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Subj:     Alligator Jokes
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 29998,9,cf,wXT3,5)
 
 

 

Mardigator from
AGAG Animation Gallery

Includes the following:  Alligator Selfie -  Drawing (S904)
.........................Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes (S215, S439b, DU)
.........................Alligator Shoes (S216, S612c)
.........................Ripley's - Believe It Or Not (S614b)
.........................Old Farmer's Pond (S313b, S757)
.........................Woman Stops Gator Attack w/Pistol (S865)
.........................B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S930)
.........................Two Alligators Talk (S277, DU)
.........................There's An Alligator In The Well! (DU)
.........................What Do You Call An Alligator In A Vest? - Drawing (S998)
.........................Alligator Contest (S411b, S617c, DU)
.........................Short Alligator Jokes (DU)
..............................Florida Airport Work Site (S582c)
..............................Texas Alligator (S509b)
..............................New Orlean's Danger (S452)
..............................Alligator Wake (S446b)
..............................Taking Your Alligator For A Drive (S385)
..............................Why They Lock Their Doors In Florida

Also see BARANIMALS   - 'Alligator Goes To A Bar'
         DOG3 file    - 'USA & Russia In A Dog Fight'
         OTH-ANI-SUPP2- 'The Koala And The Lizard'
         OTHER_SPORTS - 'Romanian Football Moat'

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Subj:     Alligator Selfie (S904)
          Drawing by Pol Leurs
          From: Laney Huda on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.poleurs.lu/pages_cartoons/cartoongallery4.html
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/tvrevolta/photos/a.192749844121
..........804.49307.169983389731783/748725655190884/?type=1&theater
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Subj:     Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes (S215, S439b, DU)
          From: DrTrueLove on 3/20/99
 (Also see 'Buying Cowboy Boots' in COWBOY
       and 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Boots' in ELDERLY1)

 Sam and Bessie are in their 90's and Sam always wanted an
 expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one
 day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So,
 do you notice anything different about me?"

 "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday
 and the same pants. What's different?"

 Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes
 out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So,
 Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

 "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was
 hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

 Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?
 'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!"

 Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

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Subj:     Alligator Shoes (S216, S612c)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-17
      and From: gattica30 on 9/29/2008

 An Army Officer was on holiday in the depths of Florida,
 where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.  However, he
 was not prepared to pay the high prices.  After failing to
 haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he
 ended up shouting, "I don't give too hoots for your shoes.
 I'll go out and kill my own alligator!"  To which the shop
 keeper replied, "By all means, just watch out for the two
 Marines who are doing the same thing!"

 The Army Officer went out into the swamp.  After a while
 he saw two men with spears, standing in the water.  "They
 must be the two Marines" he thought.

 Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the
 water towards one of them.  The Marine stood completely
 passive, as the gator came even closer to him.  Just as
 the beast was about to swallow the one Marine, the other
 struck home with his spear and wrestled the alligator
 up onto the beach, where several others already laid.

 Together the two Marines threw the gator onto his back,
 where-upon one exclaimed, "Damn!  This one doesn't have
 any shoes either."

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(S614b)
     by John Graziano on 10/11/2008
 Source: http://comics.com/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/
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Subj:     Old Farmer's Pond (S313b, S757)
          From: pns on 1/30/2003
      and From: sam.hutkins on 7/16/2011

 An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several
 years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
 picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
 trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
 swimming when it was built.

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
 as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.  He
 grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.  As
 he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
 with glee.

 As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
 skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of
 his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
 One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
 until you leave!"

 The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here
 to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
 pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
 feed the alligator."

 Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and
 enthusiasm every time.

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Subj:     Woman Stops Gator Attack w/Pistol (S865)
          From: darrelldre on 8/5/2013

 This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave,
 cool-headed woman with a small Beretta pistol against a
 fierce predator.  What is the smallest caliber that you
 would trust to protect yourself?

 A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

 Here is her story:

 While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below
 Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing
 property settlement and other divorce issues, we were
 surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging
 from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws
 wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because
 she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little
 Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be
 here today!

 Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all
 it took.  The gator got him easily and I was able to escape
 by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It's one of the best
 pistols in my collection!  Plus ... the amount I saved in
 lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the
 gun.

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Subj:     B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S930)
          By Mastroianni and Hart on 11/9/2014
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2014/11/09
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Subj:     Two Alligators Talk (S277, DU)
          From: mombear1 on 5/20/2002

 Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.  The
 small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand
 how you can be so much bigger than me.  We're the same age,
 we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

 "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

 "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

 "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

 "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

 "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

 "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock
 the door.  Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out
 of'em, and eat'em!"

 "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
 See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a
 lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase..."

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Subj:     There's An Alligator In The Well! (DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-10-11

 So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water
 hole to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was dipping
 the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He
 dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

 "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma
 asked him.

 "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed
 Johnny.  "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

 "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.  He's been
 there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one.  Why,
 he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

 "Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
 I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

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Subj:     What Do You Call An Alligator In A Vest? (S998)
          From: Matthew Warner on Facebook on 2/23/2016
 Source: http://arseniic.deviantart.com/art/What-do-
.........you-call-an-alligator-in-a-vest-288568405
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Subj:     Alligator Contest (S411b, S617c, DU)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/8/2004
      and From: ginafm on 11/5/2008

 A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to
 throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
 He also invited Leroy, the token black guy in the
 neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the
 backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
 time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ
 and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the
 rich white dude said, "I have a 10 ft. Man-eating gator in
 my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
 the balls to jump in."

 The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth
 when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
 and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator
 and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the
 eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
 of things like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator
 on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some
 kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.

 The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
 Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
 Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the
 bottom like a K-Mart gold fish. Leroy then slowly climbed
 out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
 disbelief.

 Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
 owe you a million dollars."

 "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you
 something. You won the bet. How about half a million
 bucks then?"

 "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.

 The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
 something. That was amazing. How about a new
 Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

 The brother said no.

 The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then
 what do you want?"

 Leroy answered, "I want the name of the muthafucka'
 who pushed me in the pool."


Subj:     Short Alligator Jokes (DU)

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Subj:     Florida Airport Work Site (S582c)
          From: tom on 3/12/2008
 Source: (Removed from community-2.webtv.net)
 Since this gator has a roll of duck tape around his mouth,
 I'll bet he is still alive.  You can view this alligator
 and the 87 rattlers by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Texas Alligator (S509b)
          From: LABLaughsClean  on 10/17/2006
..........At: (Removed by lablaughs.com)
 This alligator was found between Athens and Palestine, Texas
 near a house.  There's a whole deer in its mouth!  Never let
 it be said that we don't grow them big in Texas.

 Joe Goff, 6'5" tall, a game warden with the Texas Parks and
 Wildlife Department, walks past the 23-foot alligator that he
 shot and killed.

 You can view this amazing beast by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     New Orlean's Danger (S452)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/27/2005
 Imagine living through the hurricane, surviving the
 flood. Trying to get out of your house to higher ground
 only to be found by this thing!!!!  To view  click 'HERE'.
 
 

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Subj:     Alligator Wake (S446b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/5/2005
..........At: (Removed by lablaughs.com)
 You can this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Taking Your Alligator For A Drive (S385)
          From: jerry on 6/12/2004
 A Philadelphia woman who was pulled over by police when they
 saw her driving around Philadelphia with a 3 1/2 foot long
 alligator in her lap that had its nose poking out the window.

 Newsday (Long Island, New York) 9-Jun-04
 

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Subj:     Why They Lock Their Doors In Florida
          From: darrell94590
          on 5/27/2005 (S435 in Nat_States-Supp)
 To view the picture by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

 To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
   eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

 Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator
 while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

 A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

 The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung,
     used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/11/2002 (S289b)
 "Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed
  the river."  -- Cordel Hull

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...........................From US.BestGraph.com
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