Subj: Bear Jokes
(Includes 46 jokes and articles, 30855,27,cf,md6,24)
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
Also see ASCII ART I - 'Teddy
BAR_ANIMALS - 'Panda Goes To A Bar'
Dating3 file - 'Teddy Bears And Sex'
ELDERLY2 - '90-Year-Old Geezer Has Baby'
GAMES file - 'Internet Teddy Bears'
GENIE file - 'Three Wishes From A Genie III'
HUNTING file - 'Two Guys Go Bear Hunting'
......................- 'The Hunter And The Fly'
......................- 'Hunter And Bear Pray'
JEWISH-RABBI - 'Converting a Bear'
LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend'
MATH4 file - 'PUZZLE - Two Hunters Shoot A Bear'
MONKEY file - 'Gorilla In A Tree'
PLANE-SUPP2 - 'Duct Taping A Plane In Alaska'
POPE file - 'The Pope's Alaskan Vacation'
A Very Talented Russian Bear (S855d6)
From: Mel's Video on 5/29/2013
Photo from YouTube.com...
This unbelievably talented and
cute Russian bear can roll over,
play the trumpet, sit on a lawn chair, use a hoola hoop, you
name it. Leave it to a random Russian guy to train such an
awesome bear. Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see this wonderful, happy video.
Subj: Two Guys Chased By A Bear
From: auntieg on 98-05-12
Two guys are out hiking. All
of a sudden, a bear starts
chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts
climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his
sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are
you doing?" He says,
"I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down
and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you
crazy? You can't outrun
The first guy says, "I don't
have to outrun the *bear*... I
only have to outrun *you*."
Bear Cub Tagging (S717d)
Watch this reporter snuggle with
three bear cubs while
tagging their mom. Click on the above source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this very cute video.
Subj: Bear And Rabbit Take A Shit (S01, S515)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/11/2003
A bear is walking through the
forest. He comes to a meadow
which is absolutely perfect. There are butterflies, and
bees and a gorgeous old oak tree in the middle. Under the
oak is a rabbit taking a dump.
The scene is a perfect inspiration
for the old bear. He
saunters over to the rabbit, haunches down, and takes a dump
The bear looks down at the rabbit
and says "do you have the
problem of shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit looks up at the bear and replies "No, never!"
The bear leans over grabs the
rabbit and wipes his ass and
Huge Bear Surprises Crew on
.............EcoBubble Photo Shoot in BC (S836d6)
From: Mel's Video of the Day on 1/24/2013
Check out what happened to this
crew on a photoshoot for
the EcoBubble washing machine commercial. They were near
Manning Park, BC. As far as I can tell no one was hurt...
Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this
very cute, original, funny video.
Subj: Family Goes Camping And Meets Bear (S191)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com 9/27/00
Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's
mother-in-law went camping
over the 4th of July weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that
her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a
gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear
squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said
to her husband, in a frantic
voice, "Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there’s gonna be
blood shed fer sure!"
Dewayne calmly said, "Now look,
honey, the bear got himself
Pandas After China's Earthquake (S597d)
From: darrellvip on 6/25/2008
and From: Reuter.com
This movie, story, and photos
will tell you the fate of the
pandas after China's devastating quake. Click 'HERE' to view.
Subj: Wanna Be A Bear??? (S275c)
From: spyda on 11/27/2001
(Also see the picture 'GonnaBeABear' in Animals2)
If you're a bear, you get to
hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you
hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I
could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your
children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone
knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS
you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.
I want to be a bear.
A Sign Of Global Warming (S558c,d)
From: gordonschuk on 9/24/2007
Drawing from AdamGrimm.com...
You can view thia cute movie on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Two Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys (S170, S417)
From: zeise on 5/3/00
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian
scientist had spent
their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they
petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to
Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was
granted, and they immediately flew out to Yellowstone.
They reported to the ranger station
and were told that it was
the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out
and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only
chance and finally the rangers relented.
The Russian and the Czech were
given portable phones and told
to report in every day. For several days they called in, and
then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers
mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged
with no sign of the missing scientists.
They followed the trail of a
male and a female bear. They
found the female and decided they must kill the animal to
find out if she had eaten the scientist because they feared
an international incident.
They killed the female animal
and opened the stomach to find
the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other
and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of
course, the Czech is in the
Subj: Pandamonium (S169, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/24/00
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial
for entering a New York
City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun,
and shooting out the windows and doors.
The judge looked at Chin-Chin's
lawyer and proclaimed,
"Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot
up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the
entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence
your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor,"
said the lawyer, "My client may
be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He could
not help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word
'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he
had his secretary bring his
dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found;
"PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and
Panda Escape (S593d)
From: ginafm on 6/4/2008
After seeing this video, it is
clear Pandas must be 90% fluff.
You can view the movie at the above source, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Polar Bear Walks Into A Bar (S158)
From: KMacinty on 02/07/2000
A Polar bear walks into a bar
and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I've always had them."
The Atheist And The Bear (S139, S610b)
From: gheckman on 3/24/2001
and From: rfslick on 9/20/2008
Don Hawkins Woodworking
You can read this cute story
with pictures by clicking
Subj: Camping Alert (S63, S400b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #89 on 98-04-11
and From: LABLaughsClean on 8/23/2004
In light of the rising frequency
of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear
noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't
expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
"It is also a good idea to watch
out for fresh signs
of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear shit.
Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries
and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has little bells
in it and smells like pepper."
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 1/24/2009
Subj: Bear Goes To A Bar (S174, S349b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-22
and From: JBCARY1 on 10/7/2003
A bear walks into a bar in Billings,
Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and
says, "We don't serve beer to
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands
again that he be served a
The bartender tells him again,
more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The Bear says, "Bartender, see
that broad at the end of the
"You mean the beautiful babe
with the big boobs in the blue
"Yeah, now bring me a beer or that broad'll be my brunch!"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve beers
to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
So the Bear walks down the bar,
creeps up behind the woman,
and [*CHOMP*] eats her whole. "Now," says the Bear, "bring
me my beer!"
The bartender states, "Sorry,
we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears that are on drugs in bars in Billings."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
*Insert Big Groan Here*
Subj: Hunter Hunts Bear, Bear Fucks Hunter (S252b, S462)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #26
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/2/2005
A man goes bear hunting.
He gets up at the crack of dawn
and is looking over the bear trail and sure enough, the sun
comes up and he sees this bear. He squeezes off a round.
Dirt flies. A twig falls off a tree and stuff like that.
He goes running down the hill, looking all over the place,
but he can not find the bear anywhere. Next thing he knows,
he feels a tap on his shoulder and behind him is the bear.
The bear looks at him and says "You're new here, aren't you
pal? We have some rules here. One of them is that if you
shoot at me and miss, I get to make love to you." The guy
bends over and the bear has his way with the hunter.
The man wants revenge.
He goes to a gun shop and gets the
biggest gun he can buy and a clip of bullets and goes back
to the hill and sees the bear the next morning. He shoots
- boom, boom, boom. Small trees are falling over the place.
Little boulders are flying. He walks down to the bottom of
the hill, but he can't see the bear. He feels a tap on his
shoulder and it's the bear. The bear says, You know the
routine. Bear does it to him again.
The man is red with rage.
That night he goes to the army-
navy store to buy an anti-aircraft gun. He spends all
night up on the hill, mounting that sucker down. Sure
enough, at the crack of dawn, the bear comes down the hill
and he lets it fly. Boulders are shooting 150 feet in the
air. Trees are falling over. Dust is flying everywhere.
The guy tiptoes down the hill to look for the bear. He
can't find the bear anywhere. The bear taps him on the
shoulder and says, "Hey, pal, are you sure you're here for
Bear Vs Cougar (S646d, S818d)
by Jean-Jacques Annaud
From: darrellvip on 5/20/2009
This will get your attention.
Where was the cameraman?!
Be sure to watch for the surprise ending! Click on the
above source, or 'HERE' for my file copy, to see this
Subj: Three Bears Go To Court (S155, S425)
From: ipkis on 97-11-20
and From: RFSlick on 01/20/2000
The three bears had been having
some trouble recently and had
ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting
up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
The judge wanted to talk to baby
bear to see what he thought
about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby
bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't
live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you
want to live with your mother,
right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than
Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused
by this, and didn't quite know
what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there
any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my
aunt Bertha bear who lives in
"You're sure she will treat you
well and won't beat you?" asked
"Oh definitely," said baby bear,
"the Chicago Bears don't
Subj: Three Bears Come Down For Breakfast (S189, S452)
From: JOELFALLON on 09/13/2000
and From: darrell94590 on 9/4/2005
It's a sunny morning in the Big
Forest and the Bear family
is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in
his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table
and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through
the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we
have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night
and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into
the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was
Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the
cat, out cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water ?
food dishes. And now that you've decided to come downstairs
and grace me with your presence -- listen good, because I'm
only going to say this one more time -- I haven't made the
fucking porridge yet!!
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 10/17/2009
Subj: Short Bear Jokes
A Dinner Date (S817d)
From: hilary.miller05 on 9/1/2012
Drawing from ChrisFlack...
Count The Bears (S800d)
From RDobry on 5/12/2012
Photo from ConservationNW.org
A Bear Waves (S782d)
Montana Bear Tragedy (S743)
From: ft.apache on 4/6/2011
Drawing from BobGlover.com
The Grizzly Bear - PPS (S717)
23 Baby Panda Pictures (S632b,d)
Ever See A Baby Panda Bear Grow? (S599d)
Subj: How Do You Catch a Bear? (S154)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/14/2000
Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes.
Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and
when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash
Camping Alert II And III (S501, S604)
From: danschu63 on 8/22/2006
and From: tom on 7/31/2008
A Wild Polar Bear (S591b,d)
The Bear And The Bridge (S579)
Polar Bear Attack (S564b)
16 Chinese Baby Pandas (S525c)
Subj: The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S827 in Hunting-Supp)
by Scott Hilburn
From: AFine963 on 11/13/2012
Baby Polar Bear At Berlin Zoo (S538b)
The Polar Bear Blessing (S532b)
The REAL Cause Of Global Warming (S531b)
From: FrankRoesc on 5/10/99
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
From: igiggle on 1/12/2006 (S469b)
If you're goin' to be a bear... be a grizzly! -- Gene Sturlin
Polar bears are left handed.
Q: Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey
Bear have any children?
A: Every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head
with a shovel and throws dirt on her.
Q: Why did God make only one
A: When he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo. -- Bob M.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
Q: What does a girl from a trailer park and a bear have in common?
A: They both lick their paws.
From: Today's Joke of the Day on 2/8/2012
Q: What's a bear called without teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
............................Bear from Smiley_Central.