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>>>
Subj:     Duck Jokes
                 (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 24 1036n,20,cf,wXT2a,16)

Cowboy Duck
from
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  Bizarro Cartoon (S946)
.........................The Duck And The Dog - Video (S596)
.........................Ducks Covered With Crap (S393, DU)
.........................Taking Ducks To The Zoo (S308)
.........................Little Duck Feeding The Fish - Video (S976)
.........................Cock Fighting In Louisiana (S293b)
.........................Two Men Fight Over Duck (S220b)
.........................Two Men Fight Over Duck II - Video (S641c)
.........................The Laws Of Ducks (S129)
.........................Five Doctors Go Duck Hunting (DU)
.........................Duck Feeds Fish - Video (S684)
.........................Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting (S66, S529b)
.........................Duck And The Feed Store (S121, S589b)
.........................Bad Parenting (S394)
.........................A Duck Walks Into A Drugstore
.........................Duck Hunter And The Game Warden (S88, S384)
.........................Mother Duck vs. Hyena - Video (S817d)
.........................Two Ducks At A Restaurant (S589)
.........................Duck Word Riddle (S589c)
.........................Short Duck Jokes
..............................Agnes Comic Strip (S692b)
..............................Necrophilic Mallard Ducks (S863)
..............................Baby Duck Slide - Video (S909)
..............................Amazing Duck Story (S605)
..............................Duck Story II -  Video (S902)
..............................Photo Of A very Pretty Duck (S604c)
..............................The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck - Videos (S592c)
..............................Officer Stops Traffic For Ducks - Video (S592b)
..............................Unbelievable Scam!!!! (S541b)
..............................Stay Close To Your Family.... (S456b)
..............................There He Stood (S447)
..............................Ducks Fly South (S391)
..............................Duck With A Limp (S270b)
..............................Popsicle Stick Riddle (S804)

Also see ACCIDENTS2   - 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting'
         BAR2 file    - 'Bar With Genie'
         BARANIMALS   - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
......................- 'Guy W/Three Ducks Goes To Bar'
......................- 'Duck Goes To A Bar'
         BIRDS file   - 'Crow Desperate For Sex'
         BIRDS-SUPP   - 'Goose Parade In Belgium!' - Video
         CARTOON file - 'Duck Tales 045 - Lost Crown of Genghis Khan' - Video
......................- 'Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse'
         DOG1 file    - 'Sick Dog Goes To Vet'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Don't Hit The Duck'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Tundra Comics' w/Ducks And Dogs'
......................- 'Tundra Comics II'
         GENIE file   - 'Minnesota Fishing Genie'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Instrument Flying...'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Circumnavigating The Globe'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S946)
          By Dan Piraro on 2/21/2015
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/february-21-2015/
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Subj:     The Duck And The Dog (S596dwmv)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 6/19/2008 and 2/9/2010
 Source: http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/birds/ducks-dog.wmv

 In this cute, WMV video, a duck follows a puppy everywhere.
 The background music is what makes this video great.  It is
 'I Will Follow Him' by Little Peggy March from April 1963.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.

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Subj:     Ducks Covered With Crap (S393, DU)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/7/2004

 A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

 Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with crap, crossed
 her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"

 She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck
 clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be
 careful next time!"

 She walked on and another duck, with crap all over it, crossed
 her way.

 Again, she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She
 warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she
 encountered a third duck with the same problem and for the third
 time she tended the duck, Muttering, "What have you all been
 doing?"

 She continued to walk when suddenly she heard a voice from
 the bushes. "Hey, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

 "Yes?" she replied.

 He asked. "Do you have a Kleenex?"

 "No, not anymore," she answered.

 He said, "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

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Subj:     Taking Ducks To The Zoo (S308)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2002

 A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch
 of ducks standing in the back.  A police officer pulls over
 the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then
 asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks.
 The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore.
 The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there
 and that's where you should be taking them.  That will take
 care of your problem."

 The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
 The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once
 again speeding down the road.  This time, though, all the
 ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses.  The
 officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I
 told you to take them to the zoo!"

 "I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to
 the beach!"

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Subj:     Little Duck Feeding The Fish (S976d)
          From: Claudia Rook on Facebook on 9/25/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/heD2e_Zv4-0
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........Click 'HERE' to watch a baby duck feed Carp.
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Subj:     Cock Fighting In Louisiana (S293b)
          From: coreymac on 9/10/2002

 The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal
 cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and
 duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to
 investigate.  He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

 "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

 "Good work.  Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

 Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and
 de Mafia."

 Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in
 one night?"

 "Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock
 fight.  I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was
 entered in the fight."

 The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the
 others?"

 Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns
 were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."

 "Ah," sighed the sergeant,  "And how did you deduce the
 Mafia was involved?"

 "De duck won."

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Subj:     Two Men Fight Over Duck (S220b)
          From: gheckman on 2/9/2001

 A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
 He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field
 on the other side of a fence.

 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
 up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The
 litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
 and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

 The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not
 coming over here."

 The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
 attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck,
 I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
 how we do things in Texas.  We settle small disagreements
 like this with theTexas Three-Kick Rule."  The lawyer asked,
 "What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"

 The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and
 then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
 until someone gives up."

 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
 decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed
 to abide by the local custom.

 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
 walked up to the city feller.  His first kick planted the
 toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and
 dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
 man's nose off his face.  The barrister was flat on his
 belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
 caused him to give up.

 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
 get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my
 turn."

 The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.  You can
 have the duck."

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Subj:     Two Men Fight Over Duck II (S641c,d)
..........From: mauryschu on 4/24/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/5WVTqiDdqgQ

 When Buddy Hackett appeared on the Johnny Carson Show,
 he told a joke about a hunter, a farmer and a duck.
 Click 'HERE' to see Buddy Hackett tell these funny,
 old classic jokes.

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Subj:     The Laws Of Ducks (S129)
          From: smiles on 7/13/99

   Duck Law No. 1
       If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a
       duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.

       Restatement: All things are known by their attirbutes.

   Duck Law No. 2
       Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how
       noble or well-intentioned, can be an eagle.

       Restatement: All things must be what they are.

   Duck Law No. 3
       A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of
       adversity.

       Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely
       proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all
       things.

   Duck Law No 4
       No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed
       feet and bill for talons and a beak.

       Restatement: All things remain as they are until the
       attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and
       only then, can they evolve.

   Duck Law No. 5
      Ducks are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized
       in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles.

       Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what
       they are honestly, even if they are different from you.

   Duck Law No. 6
       The greatest duck that ever was cannot cannot fly as
       high as even a modest eagle.

       Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim
       with ducks.

   Duck Law No. 7
       Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never
       mingle.

       Restatement: Choose company wisely.

   Duck Law No. 8
       A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

       Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer.

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Subj:     Five Doctors Go Duck Hunting (DU)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-21

 Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the
 group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon
 and a pathologist, After a time, a bird came winging overhead.
 The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but
 then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said,
 "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of
 course by that time, the bird was long gone.

 Another bird appeared in the sky there after.  This time
 the pediatrician drew a bead on it.  He too, however, was
 unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides,
 it might have babies.  "I'll have to do some more
 investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good
 its escape.

 Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
 Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
 prey's identity.  "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know
 it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow
 wrestled with this dilemma.

 Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
 weapon pointed skywards.  BOOM!!  The surgeon lowered his
 smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside
 him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?

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Subj:     Duck Feeds Fish (S684d)
          From: Wimp.com on 2/22/2010
          At: http://www.wimp.com/duckfish/

 In this short video, a baby duck feeds koi in a pond.
 Click 'HERE' to see this heart-warming story.

Top
Subj:     Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting (S66, S529b)
          From: Anaise on 98-05-03

 (Also see 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in ACCIDENTS)

 From a radio program, a true report of a happening in
 Michigan, USA.  A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee
 for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments.  He and a
 friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
 frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the
 guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
 They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now,
 they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for
 the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  In order
 to make a hole large enough to look like something a
 wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to
 take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.  Out of
 the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
 dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

 Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
 that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a
 location far from where they are standing (and the new
 Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the
 ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
 in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to
 light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember
 in the first paragraphs when I mentioned the vehicle, the
 beer, the guns and the dog?  Yes, the dog: A highly trained
 Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by
 the owner.  You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
 rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
 dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it
 hits the ice.  The two men yell, scream, wave arms and
 wonder what to do now.

 The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the guys grabs
 the shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is loaded
 with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
 The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues
 on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
 becomes really confused of course and scared.  Thinking
 these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.  He takes
 off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning
 on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

 BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the
 bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two
 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
 there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
 their faces.

 The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
 lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He had
 yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

 This is an urban legend as reported in Snopes.com at
 http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp

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Subj:     Duck And The Feed Store (S121, S589b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com ON 5/27/99

 A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck
 feed?"  The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market
 for it it so we don't carry it."  The duck says, "Okay"
 and leaves.

 The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and
 asks, "Got any duck feed?"  Again the clerk says no and
 the duck leaves.

 Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck
 feed?"  The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't
 have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never
 will have duck feed.  If you ask me again, I'll nail your
 feet to the floor."  The duck leaves.

 The next day, the duck walks in and asks the clerk, "Got
 any nails?"

 "No."

 "Got any duck feed?"

Top
 
Subj:     Bad Parenting (S394)
          From: Imogenelumen 8/17/2004

 The three JPG pictures,
 Bad Parenting, are cute.

 

Top
Subj:    A Duck Walks Into A Drugstore 1st. Vers.

 (Also see 'Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse' in CARTOON)

 A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you
 can get AIDS from oral sex.  "Yes," the pharmacist says,
 "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex
 than straight sex.  You should still use a condom." "OK, I'll
 take one." "Will that be cash, check, or charge?"

 "Just put it on my bill."

2ed vers.
 A duck walks into a drugstore and ask for some chapstick.
 "Will that be cash or charge" inquires the clerk,
 to which the duck replies "just put it on my bill".

3rd vers.
From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-04
 A duck walks into a drug store. He goes to the counter and
 asks for a box of condoms.
 The pharmacist says, "OK, that will be $5.95.  Would you
 like me to just put them on your bill?"
 The duck says "Hey listen pal, I'm not that kind of duck!"

4th vers.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #26
 A duck walks (OK, waddles) into a drug store and buys a
 package of condoms.
 The Pharmacist says, "Cash or would you like them on your
 bill?" The duck says, "My bill? I'm going to put them on
 my dick!"
 The Pharmacist then says, "That will be $9.99 plus tax".
 To which the duck responds, "Tacks? I though they stayed
 on by themselves!"

Top
Subj:     Duck Hunter And The Game Warden (S88, S384)
          From: Joke of the Day on 07/13/97
      and From: Imogenelumen on 6/6/2004

 A man shot two ducks in Victoria, Australia. As he was
 walking through the swamp to pick them up, a wildlife
 ranger came up to him and said, "Duck hunting season is
 over in Victoria, and those ducks that you shot were
 victorian ducks."

 "Bullshit!" said the man, "How do you know they are
 victorian ducks?"

 The ranger picked up a duck and stuck his finger up the
 duck's ass and then sniffed he's finger.  "That is a
 Victorian duck." he said.

 "How do you know said the man."

 Trust me said the ranger I'm an expert.  He picked up
 the other duck and did the same thing.  "Ok," he said,
 "this one is from New South Wales, you can have this one.
 I am going to have to write you a ticket for the other one.
 What's your name?"

 "Bill Smith," said the man.

 "And where do you live?" asked the ranger.

 "Richmond," he replied.

 "Richmond, Victoria or New South Wales?" asked the ranger.

 The man dropped he pants bent over and said, "You're the
 bloody expert you tell me!"

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Subj:     Mother Duck vs. Hyena (S817d)
          From: Wimp.com on 9/3/2012
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/z4O7ikhKa_4
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/hyenaduck/
 Source3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animals_Are_Beautiful_People

 "Animals Are Beautiful People" is a ninety minute nature
 documentary about the wildlife in Southern Africa made in
 1974.  Click 'HERE' to see an amazing scene from the film.
 

Top
Subj:     Two Ducks At A Restaurant (S589)
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #81

 A Duck took his girlfriend out for dinner to a top class
 restaurant.  After finishing the excellent meal the waiter
 came over with coffee.  As the waiter was leaving the duck
 caught his attention.  The waiter bent down and the duck
 whispered, "Do you sell condoms in this establishment?"
 quietly into his ear.  "We certainly do." replied the waiter.
 "In that case I'll have a pack of three." said the duck.
 "Would you like me to put those on your bill?" asked the
 waiter.

 The duck, looking very offended, replied, "Hey, what do you
 think I am, some kind of pervert!".

Top
Subj:     Duck Word Riddle (S589c)
          From: Laugh-A-Lot on 7/30/01
 Source: (Removed from graceweb.org)

 (Also see 'Redneck Reading Test' in REDNECK3)
 

 What does this say:

 CDETBT Ducks?
 MRNot Ducks!
 OSAR, CDETBT wings?
 LIB! MR Ducks!

 Click here for the answer.


Subj:     Short Duck Jokes

Top
Subj:     Agnes Comic Strip (S692b)
          by Tony Cochran on 10/11/2009
..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/agnes/2009/10/11
 Click 'HERE' to read Agnes' poem about feeding ducks.
 

Top
Subj:     Necrophilic Mallard Ducks (S863d)
          in Trivia Bits by Paul Paquet
          From: ContraCosta Times on 7/20/2013
Photo from Creators.com
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Subj:     Baby Duck Slide (S909d)
          Produced by Twicebaked
          From: Tessa Duncan on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/EpiGS-3PDU8
 Click 'HERE' to see baby ducks sliding down a water slide
 at the SC State Fair.
 

Top
Subj:     Amazing Duck Story (S605)
          From: darrellvip and gayleheckman on 7/30/2008
 Something really amazing happened in Downtown Spokane and I
 had to share the story with you.  A mother duck choose the
 cement awning outside a second story window as the uncanny
 place to build a nest above the sidewalk.  The mallard laid
 ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is
 perched over 10 feet in the air.  You can read her story
 and see the pictures of her adventure by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Duck Story II (S902d)
          Shown on Good Morning America, ABC News
          From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 4/24/2014
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/9hnbmml8fOY
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/moqL4a44tl8
 I suspect that this video is from the second year that
 a mallard duck made her nest on a second story window
 ledge in Downtown Spokane.  The details are slightly
 different from Duck Story I.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this heart warming story.
 

Top
Subj:     Photo Of A very Pretty Duck (S604c)
          From: ginafm on 8/3/2008
 You can see this very pretty duck by clicking 'HERE'.

 

Top
Subj:     The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck (S592c,d)
          From: Lasrever on 5/24/2008
Photo from LiveLeak.com
 Source: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=543_1196144068
 You can view these first, several Aflac commercials by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:.....Officer Stops Traffic For Ducks
          From: ginafm (S592b)
          on 5/24/2008 (in Police-Supp)
 Source: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c1c_1209428470
 Raw video: Lakewood Police Officer Dustin Carrell stopped
 traffic on westbound SR-512 Monday morning near I-5 to
 help a mother duck and her ducklings safely cross the road.
 You can view the video by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Unbelievable Scam!!!! (S541b)
          From: darrell94590 on 5/23/2007
 There is a slick routine aimed at stealing from unwary persons.
 They say that the gang usually comprises three or four members.
 While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and
 innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show
 of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang
 of criminals- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly
 rifle undetected through pockets and bags for any valuables being
 carried.

 The attached picture taken from CTV operating in the inner city
 shows the Gang in operation can be viewed by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Stay Close To Your Family.... (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/18/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To view this cute picture, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     There He Stood (S447)
          From: From: LABLaughsClean on 8/10/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To view this cute cartoon, click 'HERE' to see it.
 

Top
Subj:     Ducks Fly South (S391)
          From DafterLafter on 7/21/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
 To view this cute cartoon, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Duck With A Limp (S270b)
          From: jerry on 1/22/2002
 A duck in a pond in Leatherhead, Surrey in the UK has
 learned to fake a limp because it gets it more bread
 than the other ducks when limping.

 UK Sunday People 13-Jan-02
 

Top
Subj:     Popsicle Stick Riddle (S804)
          From: Unilever
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
 Source: www.Popsicle.com
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..........Click 'HERE' to see all 22 Popsicle riddles.
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 How do you start a book about ducks?...
 With an introducktion.   --  Geoff VanHerwaarden

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/16/2001 (S242)
 "I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced
  by whether or not I have bread."  -- Mitch Hedberg

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

 Q: Why don't ducks fly upsidedown?
 A: They're afraid they'll quackup.

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                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Answer for Duck Word Riddle (from above)

 (MUST be read in Southern drawl!)

 "I'll be! See the (de) iddy biddy ducks?"
 "'Em are not ducks!"
 "Oh 'es 'ey (they) are! See de iddy biddy wings?"
 "'Ell (with a silent "w" NOT an "h"!) I be! "Em ARE ducks!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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...........................From Smiley_Central.
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