Subj: Duck Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 09817,16,cf,md2,12)
Accent on Animation
Also see ACCIDENTS2 - 'Guys
w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting'
BAR2 file - 'Bar With Genie'
BARANIMALS - 'Guy W/Three Ducks Goes To Bar'
......................- 'Duck Goes To A Bar'
BIRDS file - 'Crow Desperate For Sex'
BIRDS-SUPP - 'Goose Parade In Belgium!' - Movie
CARTOON file - 'Duck Tales 045 - Lost Crown of Genghis Khan' - Movie
......................- 'Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse'
DOG1 file - 'Sick Dog Goes To Vet'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Don't Hit The Duck'
GENIE file - 'Minnesota Fishing Genie'
PLANE2 file - 'Instrument Flying...'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Circumnavigating The Globe'
The Duck And The Dog (S596d)
on 6/19/2008 and 2/9/2010
In this cute video, a duck follows
a puppy everywhere. The
background music is what makes this video great. It is
'I Will Follow Him' by Little Peggy March from April 1963.
Click 'HERE' to view it.
Subj: Ducks Covered With Crap (S393, DU)
From: JokesUncut on 8/7/2004
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck,
all covered with crap, crossed
her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse
and whipped the duck
clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be
careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck,
with crap all over it, crossed
Again, she took out a Kleenex
and cleaned the little duck. She
warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she
encountered a third duck with the same problem and for the third
time she tended the duck, Muttering, "What have you all been
She continued to walk when suddenly
she heard a voice from
the bushes. "Hey, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.
"Yes?" she replied.
He asked. "Do you have a Kleenex?"
"No, not anymore," she answered.
He said, "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."
Subj: Taking Ducks To The Zoo (S308)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2002
A man is driving a pick-up truck
down the road with a bunch
of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over
the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then
asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks.
The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore.
The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there
and that's where you should be taking them. That will take
care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and
drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once
again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the
ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The
officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I
told you to take them to the zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver,
"but now they want to go to
Daisy The Goose (S533)
From: darrell94590 on 4/5/2007
Small picture from TrekNature.com
The movie, "Daisy the Goose" is no longer available on the web.
Subj: Cock Fighting In Louisiana (S293b)
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
The Louisiana State Police received
reports of illegal
cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and
duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to
investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently,
"De Aggies, de Cajuns, and
Puzzled, the sergeant asked,
"How did you find that out in
"Well," was the reply, "I went
down and done seed dat cock
fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was
entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy
that. But what about the
Desmoreaux intoned knowingly,
"Well, I knowed de Cajuns
were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant,
"And how did you deduce the
Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
Subj: Two Men Fight Over Duck (S220b)
From: gheckman on 2/9/2001
A big-city California lawyer
went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field
on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The
litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This
is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I
am one of the best trial
attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck,
I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know
how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements
like this with theTexas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked,
"What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first
I kick you three times and
then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought
about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed
down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his
belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit
of his will and managed to
get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck."
Two Men Fight Over Duck II (S641c,d)
When Buddy Hackett appeared on
the Johnny Carson Show,
he told a joke about a hunter, a farmer and a duck.
Click on the above source, or
for my file copy,
to see Buddy Hackett tell these funny, old classic jokes.
Subj: The Laws Of Ducks (S129)
From: smiles on 7/13/99
Duck Law No. 1
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a
duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.
Restatement: All things are known by their attirbutes.
Duck Law No. 2
Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how
noble or well-intentioned, can be an eagle.
Restatement: All things must be what they are.
Duck Law No. 3
A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of
Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely
proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all
Duck Law No 4
No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed
feet and bill for talons and a beak.
Restatement: All things remain as they are until the
attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and
only then, can they evolve.
Duck Law No. 5
Ducks are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized
in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles.
Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what
they are honestly, even if they are different from you.
Duck Law No. 6
The greatest duck that ever was cannot cannot fly as
high as even a modest eagle.
Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim
Duck Law No. 7
Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never
Restatement: Choose company wisely.
Duck Law No. 8
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer.
Subj: Five Doctors Go Duck Hunting (DU)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
Five doctors went duck shooting
one day. Included in the
group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon
and a pathologist, After a time, a bird came winging overhead.
The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but
then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said,
"I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of
course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the
sky there after. This time
the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was
unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides,
it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more
investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good
Next to spy a bird flying was
the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know
it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow
wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past
and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside
him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?
Duck Feeds Fish (S684d)
From: Wimp.com on 2/22/2010
In this short video, a baby duck
feeds koi in a pond.
Click 'HERE' to see this heart-warming story.
Subj: Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting (S66, S529b)
From: Anaise on 98-05-03
(Also see 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in ACCIDENTS)
From a radio program, a true
report of a happening in
Michigan, USA. A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee
for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the
guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for
the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order
to make a hole large enough to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to
take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of
the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now these two Rocket Scientists
do take into consideration
that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a
location far from where they are standing (and the new
Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to
light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember
in the first paragraphs when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained
Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by
the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it
hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and
wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs
the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues
on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused of course and scared. Thinking
these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes
off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning
on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.
BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown
to bits and sink to the
bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two
candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
The insurance company says that
sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had
yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
This is an urban legend as reported
in Snopes.com at
Subj: Duck And The Feed Store (S121, S589b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com ON 5/27/99
A duck walks into a feed store
and asks, "Got any duck
feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market
for it it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay"
The next day, the duck walks
in to the feed store and
asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and
the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in,
and asks, "Got any duck
feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't
have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never
will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your
feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks
in and asks the clerk, "Got
"Got any duck feed?"
Bad Parenting (S394)
From: Imogenelumen 8/17/2004
The three JPG pictures,
Subj: A Duck Walks Into A Drugstore 1st. Vers.
(Also see 'Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse' in CARTOON)
A duck walks into a drug store
and asks the pharmacist if you
can get AIDS from oral sex. "Yes," the pharmacist says,
"statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex
than straight sex. You should still use a condom." "OK, I'll
take one." "Will that be cash, check, or charge?"
"Just put it on my bill."
A duck walks into a drugstore and ask for some chapstick.
"Will that be cash or charge" inquires the clerk,
to which the duck replies "just put it on my bill".
From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-04
A duck walks into a drug store. He goes to the counter and
asks for a box of condoms.
The pharmacist says, "OK, that will be $5.95. Would you
like me to just put them on your bill?"
The duck says "Hey listen pal, I'm not that kind of duck!"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #26
A duck walks (OK, waddles) into a drug store and buys a
package of condoms.
The Pharmacist says, "Cash or would you like them on your
bill?" The duck says, "My bill? I'm going to put them on
The Pharmacist then says, "That will be $9.99 plus tax".
To which the duck responds, "Tacks? I though they stayed
on by themselves!"
Subj: Duck Hunter And The Game Warden (S88, S384)
From: Joke of the Day on 07/13/97
and From: Imogenelumen on 6/6/2004
A man shot two ducks in Victoria,
Australia. As he was
walking through the swamp to pick them up, a wildlife
ranger came up to him and said, "Duck hunting season is
over in Victoria, and those ducks that you shot were
"Bullshit!" said the man, "How
do you know they are
The ranger picked up a duck and
stuck his finger up the
duck's ass and then sniffed he's finger. "That is a
Victorian duck." he said.
"How do you know said the man."
Trust me said the ranger I'm
an expert. He picked up
the other duck and did the same thing. "Ok," he said,
"this one is from New South Wales, you can have this one.
I am going to have to write you a ticket for the other one.
What's your name?"
"Bill Smith," said the man.
"And where do you live?" asked the ranger.
"Richmond," he replied.
"Richmond, Victoria or New South Wales?" asked the ranger.
The man dropped he pants bent
over and said, "You're the
bloody expert you tell me!"
Mother Duck vs. Hyena (S817d)
"Animals Are Beautiful People"
is a ninety minute nature
documentary about the wildlife in Southern Africa made
in 1974. Click on either of the top two sources, or
'HERE' for my copy, to see an amazing scene from the film.
Subj: Two Ducks At A Restaurant (S589)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #81
A Duck took his girlfriend out
for dinner to a top class
restaurant. After finishing the excellent meal the waiter
came over with coffee. As the waiter was leaving the duck
caught his attention. The waiter bent down and the duck
whispered, "Do you sell condoms in this establishment?"
quietly into his ear. "We certainly do." replied the waiter.
"In that case I'll have a pack of three." said the duck.
"Would you like me to put those on your bill?" asked the
The duck, looking very offended,
replied, "Hey, what do you
think I am, some kind of pervert!".
Subj: Duck Word Riddle (S589c)
From: Laugh-A-Lot on 7/30/01
(Also see 'Redneck Reading Test' in REDNECK3)
What does this say:
OSAR, CDETBT wings?
LIB! MR Ducks!
Click here for the answer.
Subj: Short Duck Jokes
Agnes Comic Strip (S692b)
by Tony Cochran
From: Creators.com on 4/20/2010
Amazing Duck Story (S605)
From: darrellvip and gayleheckman
Photo Of A very Pretty Duck (S604c)
The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck (S592c,d)
From: Lasrever on 5/24/2008
Photo from LiveLeak.com
Officer Stops Traffic For Ducks (S592b)
on 5/24/2008 (in Police-Supp)
Unbelievable Scam!!!! (S541b)
The attached picture taken from
CTV operating in the inner city
shows the Gang in operation can be viewed on my web site by
Stay Close To Your Family.... (S456b)
There He Stood (S447)
From: From: LABLaughsClean
Ducks Fly South (S391)
Subj: Duck With A Limp (S270b)
From: jerry on 1/22/2002
A duck in a pond in Leatherhead, Surrey in the UK has
learned to fake a limp because it gets it more bread
than the other ducks when limping.
UK Sunday People 13-Jan-02
Subj: Popsicle Stick Riddle (S804)
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/16/2001
"I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced
by whether or not I have bread." -- Mitch Hedberg
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Q: Why don't ducks fly upsidedown?
A: They're afraid they'll quackup.
Subj: Answer for Duck Word Riddle (from above)
(MUST be read in Southern drawl!)
"I'll be! See the (de) iddy biddy
"'Em are not ducks!"
"Oh 'es 'ey (they) are! See de iddy biddy wings?"
"'Ell (with a silent "w" NOT an "h"!) I be! "Em ARE ducks!"
...........................Duck from Smiley_Central.