Subj: Bird Jokes
(Includes 63 jokes and articles, 09 1030n,22,cf,wYT2c,13)
Click "Here" for Birds-Supp
AGAG Animation Gallery
Also see ASCII ART III- 'Tweedy
AUSTRALIAN - 'Air New Zealand - Meet Dave'
BLACKS2 file - 'Black Walks Into Bar W/Parrot'
CARS2 file - 'Bird Hits Car Winshield'
CAT1 file - 'Find A Cat Among Owls' - Drawing
......................- 'Cat And The Cockerel Cross The Stream'
CLINTON file - 'Clinton's Parrot Dies'
COWS-SHEP-SUP- 'How Sheep Pick Their Nose'
DOCTORS1 file- 'Two Doctors Operate On Owl Hunting'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Old Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus'
ELEPHANT - 'Bird And Elephant Have Sex'
FACTS3 file - 'Flying Cross:'
FISHING2 file- 'Seagull's Revenge'
FROG file - 'Eagle Swallows Frog'
HALLOWEEN - 'Baby Owl Sings And Dances' - Video
HUNTER file - 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex'
JEWISH1 file - 'Three Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom'
JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish Parrot'
JOBS2 file - 'Lesson number one: The Crow and the Rabbit'
......................- 'Lesson number two: The Turkey and the Bull'
......................- 'Why It's Better To Be The Boss!'
MATH4-SUPP - 'Math Prob. - Canaries And Cages'
MUSIC2 file - 'Birds On The Wires' - Music/Video
OTHER PPS - 'Extraordinary Nature Photos'
OTHER-SPORTS - 'Minnesotans Learn About New Sports'
PLANE2 file - 'Two Vulture Fly South'
POLIT-SUPP - 'The Bird Feeder'
PREACHER file- 'Bird Funeral'
TREES file - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
......................- 'Lady Slides Down Tree And See Doctor'
......................- 'Trees Argue'
......................- 'Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree'
WAITER file - 'Man And Ostrich Enter Restaurant'
WORDJOKES1 - 'Getting A Mynah Bird From Lions'
Subj: Snow White Animated GIF (S972)
From Rosemeire Moretto on Facebook pn 8/29/2015
Kitten And Bird Are Best Friends
From: ginafm on 11/18/2007 (S565d)
Source: (Removed from metacafe.com)
This video tells the story of
an abandoned kitten and the
crow that adopted it. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Red Pigeon In Phoenix (S501b)
and From: jbcary1 on 8/26/2006
(Also see 'A Tourist And The Rat Sculpture' in RATS)
The mayor of Phoenix was very
worried about a plague of
pigeons in the area. The mayor could not remove the
pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon
poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the side-
walks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to
try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall
and offered the Mayor a
proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its
plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must
promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me
five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor
considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
The next day the man climbed
to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon
circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona
sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the red pigeon. They
gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons
followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the
The next day the red pigeon returned
completely alone to
the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He
thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonder-
ful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the
pigeon had charged nothing, the
mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and
even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid
the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to
get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and
told the mayor to ask his
The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
A Man And An Eagle, A Love Story (S623)
From: darrellvip on 12/16/2008
..........Source: (Removed from dailypuppy.com)
This is a very beautiful story
of the love between a man
and an eagle. You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Gooney Bird And The TV (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/2/2003
Hymie Goldberg's wife had reached
the end of her tether
with her husband always sitting and watching the TV and
never talking to her.
In desperation, she went to a
pet shop and asked the
owner if he had a pet that would destroy the TV set.
"It so happens," replied the
owner, "that I have a
Gooney Bird. I wouldn't normally wish to part with it,
but I will for fifty dollars."
"What is so special about a Gooney
"Well," said the owner, "supposing
you want to destroy
your chair, then release the Gooney Bird from its cage
and say, 'Gooney Bird, the chair!' and the Gooney Bird
will reduce it to matchwood in less then a minute."
This sounded ideal, so Mrs Goldberg bought the Gooney
Bird and took it home.
She came into the living room
and put down the cage. As
usual, Hymie was sitting staring at the TV. Hymie said
without looking round, "What have you got there, dear?"
"A Gooney Bird," replied Mrs
Goldberg, as she opened
the cage door, about to say, "Gooney Bird, the TV."
Hymie retorted, "Gooney Bird? Gooney Bird, my ass!"
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S982)
By Dan Piraro on 2/2/2013
Subj: The Buzzard, Bat, And Bumblebee (S230)
From: mombear1 on 6/25/2001
If you put a buzzard in a pen
six or eight feet square and
entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of his ability
to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a
buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run
of ten or twelve feet. Without space to run, as is his habit,
he will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner
for life in a small jail with no top.
The ordinary bat that flies around
at night, a remarkably
nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level
place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it
can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully,
until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can
throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like
A Bumblebee if dropped into an
open tumbler, it will be
there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees
the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to
find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It
will seek a way where none exists, until it completely
In many ways, there are many
people like the buzzard, the
bat, and the bumblebee. They struggle about with all
their problems and frustrations, not realizing that the
answer is right there "above" them
This is in no way a reflection
on you...just an interesting
bit of information....
Car Wash Thief Caught (S632 in Cars-Supp)
From: gattica30 on 2/10/2009
Bill Dougherty at Magic Wand
Inc. installs and maintains
car wash machines. Bill's company installed a car wash
system in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Now, understand that
these are complete systems, including the money changer
and money taking machines. After Mr. Dougherty discovered
the Fredericksburg car wash machine was coming up several
hundred dollars short per week, he setup a surveillance
camera to catch the thieves. Click 'HERE' to read and
see the pictures of this very cute story.
Subj: Two Robins Eat Worms (S221, S458)
From: mombear on 4/25/2001
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second.
"Let's fly down and find some
lunch." They flew to the
ground and found a nice plot of freshly plowed ground full
of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they
couldn't eat anymore.
"I'm so full I don't think I
can fly back up to the tree,"
said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here
and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen
asleep, when a big, fat tom
cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his
face after his meal, he thought....
You're gonna love this one..............
"I just love baskin' robins."
Subj: Two Woodpeckers Argue (S93)
From: FrankRoesc on 98-11-10
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas
woodpecker were in Alaska
arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no
woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him
and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in
awe. The Texas woodpecker
challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas
that no woodpecker has been able topeck successfully. The
Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it.
After flying to Texas and successfully
pecking the tree in
Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas
woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan
woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time
they both came to the same
conclusion: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away
Subj: The Morning Song.... (S129b, S430)
From: gheckman on 6/22/99
and From: JokesUncut on 6/7/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/)
Subj: Man Tried For Killing Bald Eagle (S47, S344)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/27/97
and From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/25/1999
A man is caught, by a forest
ranger, sitting at a make-shift
campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle.
The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the
day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating
a bald eagle is a federal
Man : "Yes I did. But if
you let me argue my case, I'll
explain what happened."
Man : "I got lost in the woods.
I hadn't had anything to eat
for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is
a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.
I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal
the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the
fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed
the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more
disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a
recess while we analyze your
testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance
you were under and
because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court
will dismiss the charges. The Judge then leans over the
bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what
does a bald eagle taste like?"
Man : "Well, Your Honor, it's
a little difficult to explain,"
the defendant says. "The best way I can describe it is
to say that it's far more tender than a California Condor,
but the meat is quite bland compared to a Spotted Owl."
Subj: Bird Bands (DU)
From: Anaise on 98-09-11
According to the Knight-Ridder
News Service, the inscription
on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior
to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to
bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received
the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot
one of your birds. I think it
was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg
tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service".
Two Eagles And A Duck (S636b)
From: ft.apache on 3/13/2009
These ten photos of two eagles
and a duck are great.
Click 'HERE' to see them.
Subj: Carpet Layer Looses Cigarettes (S67)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
(Also see 'The Carpet Layer' in Other Occupations)
A carpet layer had just finished
installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was
a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack
of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady
came in. "Here," she said,
handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the
hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
Subj: The End of the Raven
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward
slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch
mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found
quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above
the chamber door. "Raven's very tasty," thought I, as
I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I
deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made
sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell,
or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is
crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as
he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his
two cents' worth -
While this dirge the birdbrain
kept up, oh, so silently
I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing
on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and
a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried
out, "Pussycat, it's time I
dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird
before; How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant,
valiant kitty Put an end to that damned ditty" - then I
heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
Subj: Penguin Has Engine Problems (S54, S527)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #33 on 98-02-03
A penguin is taking a road trip
when his car suddenly breaks
down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street
from a mechanic, so he pushes his car to the shop and asks
the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it
will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks
him to come back in an hour.
The penguin goes over to the
supermarket buys some fish sticks
and vanilla ice cream and spends the rest of the hour hanging
out in the frozen section. After the hour is up, he waddles
over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing him come in, the mechanic
walks over and wiping his hands on a rag says, "Looks like
you've blown a seal."
The penguin blushes, wipes his
beak with his flipper and says
"No, it's just vanilla ice cream."
You can see this joke as a very
funny video on my site
at Monkey In Bar Tells Joke in Bar Animals.
Subj: Two Owl Bushes (S920)
From: Phyllis Lazarek on Facebook
Source: (Removed from jessicacastillodesign.com)
Subj: MIT Student Feeds Birds (S353b)
A unverified legend from MIT
An MIT student spent an entire
summer going to the Harvard
football field every day wearing a black-and-white striped
shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a
whistle and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it
came time for the first Harvard
home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew
the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to
wait for the birds to get off of the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
This is an Urban Legend as comfirmed
Subj: The Penguin Game (S527c)
A Mexican newspaper reports that
bored Royal Air Force
pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised
what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that
the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered
and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten
thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching
the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and
fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and
directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go
up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently
onto their backs.
This story is NOT true, as reported
by Snopes.com at
Subj: Loose Parts Cartoons - Velcrows (S989)
Created by Dave Blazek
Subj: Crow Desperate For Sex (S370)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/17/2004
There's a crow flying around
one day who's really desperate
for sex. He flies and flies and flies, looking for anything
with wings. Finally he spots a Blue Tit. He flies down and
gets it on with this little tot. After he's done his deed,
the bird turns around to him and says, "I am a little tit,
I had a little bit, and I liked it. "
The crow is still horney, so
he jumps back in the air, and
flies around looking for another feathered friend. There
below he spots a dove. He dives down, lands next to this
dove and gets it on with her. When he's done, the dove
turns around and says, "I am a little dove, I had a little
love, and I liked it. "
This crow is a real sex maniac,
he wants even more. Without
even a thank you, he leaps into the air and begins his
search again. He spots a duck, drops down next to his third
conquest, and proceeds to have his wicked way with the duck.
When he's done, the DUCK turns around and says, "I am a
little Drake, you made a big mistake, but I liked it!"
Subj: Which Birds Deliver Babies
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind
of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!
Subj: Owl's Family - Photo (S949)
From: Lynn Stout Peterson on Facebook
Subj: Storks Delivering Babies
Two storks on a nest: a father
stork and baby stork. Baby
is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm
"Don't worry, son. Your
mother will come back. She's only
bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's fathers
turn to do the job. "Son, your
father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later. The stork
parents are desperate: their
son is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before
dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had
been all night.
Says the baby stork: "Aww, just
scaring the shit out of
Subj: Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure (S30, S768)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/4/2006
and From: AFine963 on 10/5/2011
(Also See 'Corporate
and see 'Organizational Theory' in MONKEY)
One day a little blue bird was
sitting upon a tree. Minding
his own business and all of the sudden a gust of wind came
down with such force that knocked the poor little bird clean
off the branch. Laying helplessly on the ground, the bird
called for help. "tweat tweat"
Finally a nice man came along
and picked up the little blue
bird. "My how this bird is so cold" the man thought to him-
self. So The nice man carried the cold bird in his arms
looking for the perfect place to put him, and warm him up.
The man lived on a farm you see, so when he got home, he
decided to put the little bird in a pile of manure. This
warmed the little birdy up and he was feeling FINE. The
little blue bird started to sing away. "cherp cherp"
Also on the farm lived coyotes..and
coyote Fred could hear
the littel blue bird cherp from the manure, and began to
persue his prey. Fred located little blue and stuck his
nose in the manure and ripped little blue from his blissful
warmth and devoured him.
The moral of the story is:
1. It's not always your enemies that get you into deep shit.
2. It's not always your friends that get you out of deep shit.
3. If you ever happen to be in deep shit, just shut your
mouth about it.
Subj: Short Bird Jokes
Hooters PowerPoint Show (S669b)
From: lubin100 on 11/7/2009
Hooters 2009 Calendar (S635b)
From: darrellvip on 3/7/2009
Subj: Rubes Cartoon (S634b)
By Leigh Rubin on 3/3/2009
Subj: Difference Between A Crow And A Raven (S612c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/1/2008
During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird
roosting in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what
the difference is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion
feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I
knew he didn't have a clue
what he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied. "The difference
is just a matter
of a pinion."
An Eagle Family (S575c)
From: rfslick on 1/18/2008
Sam The Seagull Turns Shoplifter (S550)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2007
Subj: Watching Students Like A Hawk (S272c)
From: jerry on 4/17/2002
Watching students like a hawk is certainly true at a primary
school in Ayrshire in the UK that has hired two hawks to
protect pupils from dive-bombing seagulls who have been
attacking them as they eat their snacks in the playground.
Has it been working?
"The sheer number [of seagulls]
was considered to be a
health and safety risk," says Roddie MacDonald, education
coordinator. "The hawks fly every morning to frighten away
the birds. The playground has become a much safer place
for the children."
The students have taken a liking
to the hawks and take
turns stroking them in the mornings.
Albino Peacock (S549c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/23/2007
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)
Feeding Hummingbirds (S507b)
From: darrell94590 on 10/8/2006
Subj: Eagles in a Storm (S208)
From: tadams96 on 1/23/2001
Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching
long before it breaks?
The eagle will fly to some high
spot and wait for the winds
to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the
wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the
storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle
does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift
it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.
When the storms of life come
upon us - and all of us will
experience them - we can rise above them. We can ride the
winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure
and disappointment in our lives and soar above the storm.
Our approach and attitude will determine if the storm will
rise above us or if we will be lifted to new heights by its
wind. Be positive, go forward, and make the metal of your
life stronger from your experiences.
|Subj: The Difference Between
Male And Female Birds
From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006 (S477b)
How Bird Flu Could Have Been Prevented (S476b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/20/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)
Subj: Police Burn Marijuana Crop (S116, S527c)
From: KMacinty on 4/9/99
The Sheriff's Department in Mendocino County came upon a
huge crop of marijuana, illegally grown in the wilds, and
determined that it should be cut down, loaded on trucks
and transported to a remote beach on the coast and burned.
This was accomplished and as the evil weed was being
consumed, great clouds of smoke rose high into the sky.
At this time a large flock of terns, on their annual
migration, passed overhead and through the billowing
clouds of smoke. No tern was left unstoned.
Crows During Hot Flashes (S436)
From: darrell94590 on 6/2/2005
To view this animated GIF, click 'HERE'.
2003 Hooters Calendar (S311)
From: RFSlick on 1/17/2003
This is a great calendar, click 'Here' to see it.
Two Birds Flying (S631c)
From: rfslick on 2/8/2009
I don't know if this picture is real or fake.
The REAL reason ostriches stick
their head in the sand
is to search for water.
Birds take off at sunrise.
On the opposite side of the
world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth
to spin on its axis.
Have you heard of that disease
that you get from kissing
birds? Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases.
I hear it's untweetable.
From: Jay Lenno Show on 7/23/2008 (S602b)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay
then they would be bagels. -- Jon Smith
If NASA sent birds into space
they would soon die;
they need gravity to swallow.
In Utah birds have the right of way on all highways...
From: grs on 97-12-04 (S527)
A goose went into a drugstore to buy a condom. The
druggist asked if he could put that on his bill, and
the goose replied, "no, I am not that kind of goose."
From: auntieg 98-05-09
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
From: ossama on 98-08-12
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the
side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on
the other side. So... the one flies over and the
other one swims through - which one gets to the
worm first? The one who swam, of course, because
"Da oily boid gets da woim."
From: pns on 3/10/2002 (S273c)
The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
get sucked into jet engines.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/15/2002
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching
the birds change color and fall from the trees."
-- David Letterman
Q: What do you call a parrot
wearing a raincoat?
A: Polly unsaturated. -- The Oregonian
Q: What bird can lift the most
A: The Crane. -- Meredith and John
Q: What does a 500 pound parrot
A: Polly wants a craker - NOW!
Q: What's the state bird of Kentucky?
A: The housefly
Q: Why do seagulls live near
A: If they lived near the bay, they would
be called bagels.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: What do you get when you put a canary in a blender?
A: Shredded tweet
Q: What do you call a missing
A: A polygon.
From: Tom_Adams on (S68)
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the
bird of true love?
A: The swallow.