.
.
Subj:     Cats1 Jokes
                 (Includes 28 jokes and articles, 01 1020,16,cf,wXT2a4,9)

Cats on Fence from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit - Photo (S916)
.........................Cat Herding - Video (S566)
.........................Cat Man Do - Simon's Cat - Video (S918)
.........................Taking The Cat To The Vet (S539)
.........................Cat That Loves Boxing - Video (S592c)
.........................The Dillard's Thief (S503)
.........................The Cat And The Fan Of Terror - Video (S467b)
.........................Jerry Brings Home Presents Each Night To His Wife
........................."Cats Are Like?" (S84, S617)
.........................Find A Cat Among Owls - Drawing (S990)
.........................Dead Cat With Legs Pointing Up
.........................Cat Washing Machine (S531)
.........................Cat Ranching
.........................Pinkie The Cat - Video (S417)
.........................Cat And The Cockerel Cross The Stream
.........................Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz On Cats (S670b)
.........................Cat And The Saucer (S309, S711)
.........................Oscar The Death Cat - Article/Video (S682)
.........................Fire Dept to the Rescue! (S59)
.........................The Aristocats Animated GIF (S1020)
.........................Here kitty, kitty...kitty (S41, S870)
.........................16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day (S589)
.........................Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
.........................How To Bathe A Cat (S138, S403)
.........................Feline Physics (S377b)
.........................Cat Equation - Excel (S564a)
.........................Cats In A Basket Riddle (S425b)
.........................Cat Gets In Suitcase Before Flight (S576c)
.........................All I Need To Know About Life,I Learned From My Cat
.........................Legalize Catnip (S905)

Also see ACCIDENT1    - 'Rudy The Cat And The Kitchen Sink'
......................- 'Stuck In A Cat Door'
         ASCII ART I  - 'Cat Emoticons'
......................- 'Cat'
         ASCII ART III- 'Cat'
         BALLS file   - 'Cat Prevents A House Fire' - Painting
         BIG CATS file-  (see whole file)
         BIRDS file   - 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure'
......................- 'Two Robins Eat Worms'
......................- 'The End Of The Raven'
         BIRDS-SUPP   - 'Crow Raises A Kitten' - Video
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Simon's Cat In "Fowl Play"' - Video
         COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'Screen Grab - Simon's Cat' - Video
         DOG1 file    - 'Sick Dog Goes To Vet'
......................- 'God Created Cats And Dogs'
         DOG2 file    - 'Our Best Friends?'
         DOG3 file    - 'The Secret Life Of Pets Trailer'
......................- 'Cat's Letter To God'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Garfield Comic Strip'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Cinderella At 75' (Three Wishes And A Cat)
         FARMER1 file - 'Johnny Kicks The Animals'
         FUNERAL file - 'Little Tommy's Fish Dies'
         GAMES file   - 'Feeding Husband Cat Food'
         GAMES2-SUPP  - 'Circle The Cat' - Game
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Shoe Comic Strip'
         HALLOWEEN    - '30 Halloween Costumes On Pets'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Cat And Mice Go To Heaven'
         JOBS-SUPP    - 'Six Phases Of Working'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Teenagers Are like Cats:'
         KIDS5 file   - 'The Babysitter' - PPS
         LETTERS2 file- 'Dog And Cat Diaries'
         LOVE file    - 'Forbidden Love'
......................- 'Forbidden Love II'
         MIDD_EAST-SUP- 'What Does A Muslim Pussy Look Like'
         MOTHERS file - 'Why My Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day'
         OTHER-ANIM-SU- 'What Pets Do When We're At Work'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Instrument Flying...'
         PREACHER file- 'The Pastor's Cat'
         PRIESTS3 file- 'The Priest And Turpentine'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'How To Hire A Programmer'
         PUSSY file   - 'Strangers Have Sex On Beach'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'How You See Yourself - Picture'
         SANTA file   - 'Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats' - Video
         THOUGHTS-LRN1- 'The GIF - Dog On The Highway'
         THOUGHTS-Slly- 'Contest Of Theories'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit (S916)
          From: Michael Dyess on Facebook
 Source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/455215474807170635/
.
.....
.
Top
Subj:     Cat Herding (S566d)
          From: ginafm on 11/18/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pk7yqlTMvp8

 This EDS commercial is very funny.  You can view it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Cat Man Do - Simon's Cat (S918d)
          Produced by Simon's Cat
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/w0ffwDYo00Q
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=489836944495221

 A hungry cat resorts to increasingly desperate measures to
 wake its sleeping owner.  Click 'HERE' to see this cute
 Simon The Cat animation.

Top
Subj:     Taking The Cat To The Vet (S539)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2007

 One day we found an old straggly cat at our door.  She was
 a sorry sight.  Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny
 and hair all matted down.  We felt sorry for her, put her
 in a carrier and took her to the vet.  We didn't know what
 to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

 The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.  He said he
 would let us know when we could come and get her.

 My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to
 wash her, she stinks."  He reminded the vet that it was his
 WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

 My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.  The vet calls
 my  husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet
 'El-Charge-O'.  They love to hate each other and constantly
 snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last
 word on this particular occasion.

 The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
 who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
 The waiting room was full of people waiting to see the
 doctor.

 A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
 seen my husband arrive.  He looked straight at my husband
 and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink
 any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now
 smells like a rose.  Oh, and, by the way, I think she's
 pregnant.  God only knows who the father is!"  Then he
 closed the door.

 Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Top
Subj:     Cat That Loves Boxing (S592c,d in Boxing)
          From: rfslick on 5/25/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/si4go3Hraq8

 You can view this cute, short video by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     The Dillard's Thief (S503)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 9/6/2006

 The Dillard's Thief In San Antonio, Texas.

 Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully
 gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot.  Obviously
 a recent hit - no flies, no smell.

 What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured
 Ellen.

 "Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already
 grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put
 my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue."  She
 dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue
 paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
 Dillard's bag and cover it.

 They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing
 their goods in the trunk.  But it occurred to both of them
 that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by
 the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon
 lose that new-car smell.

 They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they
 headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.  After they cleared the
 serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view
 of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.

 BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired
 woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look
 quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag
 without breaking stride.

 She quickly walked out of their line of vision.  Kay and
 Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.  It all
 happened so fast that neither of them could think how to
 respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen.

 "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but
 inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the
 grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.

 Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin,
 she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the
 serving line.  Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a
 shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE
 Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her
 tray toward the cashier.

 Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing
 the register, the woman settled at a table across from
 theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
 After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she
 casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her
 treasure.  Looking from side to side, but not far enough
 to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled
 out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.  Her eyes
 widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
 The noise grew.

 The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
 wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage
 cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble
 and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered
 the Heimlich maneuver.

 A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and
 Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole
 minutes until the ambulance arrived.

 In a matter of minutes the curly haired woman emerged
 from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a
 gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her
 to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her
 belongings.  The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar,
 she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's
 bag perched on her stomach.

 My Mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't
 touch it, guess she didn't have a wise Mom like I do. Serves
 her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!

Top
Subj:     The Cat And The Fan Of Terror (S467b,d)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles  on 12/30/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/HaEbpndntsU

 In this cute, short video, a cat gets caught in a ceiling
 fan.  Click 'HERE' to see this silly, home video.

Top
Subj:     Jerry Brings Home Presents Each Night To His Wife
          From: RFSlick on 98-07-15

 One night, Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
 "How lovely, dear," she said, "what's the occasion?"

 "I want to make love to you." he said simply.

 "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

 The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates
 and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

 "I'm awfully tired, honey." said his wife. "Not tonight."

 Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but
 each time his wife's answer was no.  Finally he came home
 with six black kittens with little red bows around their
 necks and handed them to his wife.

 "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

 "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

Top
Subj:     "Cats Are Like?" (S84, S617)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #204 on 98-09-01

 (See 'Our Best Friends?' in DOGS2)

  1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  4. They whine when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  8. They're moody.
  9. They leave their hair everywhere.
 10. They drive you nuts.

 Conclusion: Cats are like little, tiny women
             in cheap fur coats.

Top
Subj:     Find A Cat Among Owls (S990)
          Drawn by Gergely Dudas
 Source: http://wncn.com/2015/12/24/hungarian-
.........artist-at-it-again-can-you-spot-the-cat/
 (See 'Find A Panda Among Snowmen' in Christmas1
  and 'Find The Four-Leaf Clover' in Pig
  and 'Can You Solve It?' - Puzzle in Math4)
.
.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Dead Cat With Legs Pointing Up
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #165 on 98-07-04

 Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
 lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the
 air.  She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing
 the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles
 is dead, Lucy."

 "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
 asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

 At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
 legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
 easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a
 leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

 Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
 However, two days later when her father came home from work,
 Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
 morning."

 Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
 girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

 "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this
 morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the
 air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!  I'm coming, I'm coming!"
 and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she
 would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Top
Subj:.....Cat Washing Machine (S531d)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/23/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/_VfSl0iGAus

 This is an actual pet spa machine found at a big box pet
 food store.  If you find this cruel, go to your local pet
 food store and make sure they don't have one or if they
 do ask them to remove it!  Click 'HERE' to see this video.
 

Top
Subj:     Cat Ranching
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #239 on 98-04-11

 Dear Shawn:
 I don't know if you would be interested in this, but I thought
 I would mention it to you because it could be a real "sleeper"
 in making a lot of money with very little investment.

 A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch
 near Hermosillo, Mexico.  It is our intention to start rather
 small with about one million cats.  Each cat averages about
 twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty
 cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black.
 This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell
 at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue
 about $3 million a year.  This averages out to about $10
 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.

 A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at
 a wage of $3.15 a day.  It will take only 633 men to operate
 the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

 Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply
 four times faster than cats.  We would start a rat ranch
 adjacent to our cat ranch.  If we started with a million
 rats, we will have four rats per cat per day.  The rats will
 be fed on the carcasses of the cats we skin.  This will give
 each rat a quarter of cat per day.  You can see by this that
 the business is a clean operation, self-supporting, and really
 automatic throughout.  The cats will eat the rats, and the
 rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

 Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes
 because snakes skin themselves twice a year.  This will save
 the labor costs of skinning the cats as well as giving us two
 skins per cat.

 Let me know if you are interested.  As you can imagine, I'm
 rather particular whom I want in this deal.  And I want the
 fewest investors possible.

 May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.

 Very truly yours,

 Ray Waters

Top
Subj:     Pinkie The Cat (S417 in Movie)
          From: agrief on 1/19/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/dR_LHlFwlhk

 This is a cat adoption video.  It is cute.  You can see
 it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Cat And The Cockerel Cross The Stream

 (Also see 'The Hunter And The Fly' in HUNTER-CAMPING)

 The farmer was very busy because it was harvest time.  He
 left the gate open one day and the cat and the cockerel
 decide to take a walk down the lane towards the cornfields
 and the stream.  As they reach the stream, they see a field
 of ripe corn on the far side.  The cat says "Where there is
 corn there will I find mice," and the cockerel says "That
 corn is ripe and looks oh! so tasty."

 They decide to cross the stream and get to the riches on the
 far side.  But as they look, they realise the stream is too
 wide for them to cross.  The bird cannot fly that far and the
 cat cannot jump that far.  So they decide to practice their
 flying and jumping.  After much flapping and leaping they
 reckon they will just about make it.

 The cockerel and the cat draw back from the stream just a
 few paces and make a run for it.  With an enormous effort
 and flapping of wings, the cockerel lands happily on the
 far side and starts eating his fill of golden corn.  Mean-
 while the cat having made the best jump ever of her life,
 still only lands a few inches short of the far bank and
 tumbles into the water.  She has to drag herself out onto
 dry land before starting her hunt for mice.

 And the moral of this story?  Where there is a contented
 cock there too is a wet pussy.

Top
Subj:     Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz On Cats (S670b)
          From: KingFeatures on 11/11/2009
Drawing from KingFeatures.com
 Source: (Removed from superquiz.king-online.com)

 This Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz on cats is to identifly nine
 cats and/or why they are famous. (e.g., This cat's very first
 words were "thufferin' thuccotash." Answer: Sylvester.) Click
 'HERE' to test your knowledge.
.
.
 To see other Asimov quizes click on .
.
.
Top
Subj:     Cat And The Saucer (S309, S711)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/4/2003

 An antiques collector noticed a cat drinking milk from what
 looked like an old and valuable saucer outside a small shop.
 He asked the shop keeper if he would sell the cat.

 "I'm sorry," said the owner, "but the cat is not for sale."

 "Please," urged the man, "I need a cat around the house to
 catch mice I'll give you $20 for the cat."

 "Its a deal," said the shopkeeper

 "May I take that old dish," asked the man, "the cat seems
 really fond of it. I'd like him to be happy."

 "Sorry," the shopkeeper answered, "but that dish brings me
 luck!  Why, just this week alone, I've sold more than 50
 cats to people with mice."

Top
Subj:     Oscar The Death Cat (S682,cf,md4,2)
          From: ginafm on 2/1/2010
 Source1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_(cat)
 Source2: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail
........../article-1248539/Meet-Oscar-cat-knows-.html

 Oscar (born 2005) is a therapy cat in a Rhode Island nursing
 home, Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, who was
 featured in an article in the New England Journal of Medicine
 in July 2007-by David Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant
 professor at Brown University-for his purported ability to
 predict the impending death of terminally ill patients.
 Explanations for this ability include that the cat can smell
 ketones, the biochemicals released by dying cells, or the
 lack of movement in near-terminal patients.

 Oscar became the subject of a book by Dosa in 2010, Making
 Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat.

 Click 'HERE' to read this interesting article and to see the
 House TV Series season 5 episode 18 promo - Here Kitty.

Top
Subj:     Fire Dept To The Rescue! (S59)
          From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14

 This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's.
 My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since,
 at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction
 the incident occurred.

 There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city
 of Niagara Falls, NY.  One evening, a resident of the town
 called the local volunteer fire department to request
 assistance in removing their cat from a tree.  Since this
 was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher
 called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
 The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was
 early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers
 to respond.

 The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had
 an extension ladder.  The tree, however, was too tall and
 willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder.
 Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the
 aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
 an alternate course of action.  Two of the firefighters
 supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to
 tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.

 The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on
 a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward,
 forcing the tree to bend over.  One firefighter was poised
 to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.

 The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

 The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the
 city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

 This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".

Top
Subj:     The Aristocats Animated GIF (S1020)
          From: Roger Ford on 7/30/2016
 Source: https://www.tumblr.com/search/scat%20cat%20band
.
......
.
.
Top
Subj:     Here Kitty, Kitty...Kitty (S41, S870)
          From: Don_Hatch on 97-11-05
      and From: RFSlick on 5/15/2003

 Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because
 no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my
 boss thinks I am lying.

 On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway
 because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.

 I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
 and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
 By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
 on my crown.

 In this case, the truth hurt.  I mean it really hurt in
 the place men feel the most pain.  The accident occurred
 mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a
 cute little kitty.

 As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower
 after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
 me from the kitchen.  "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage
 disposal is dead.  Come reset it."

 "You know where the button is."  I protested through the
 shower (pitter-patter).  "Reset it yourself!"

 "I am scared!"  She pleaded.  "What if it starts going
 and sucks me in?"...  Pause...  "C'mon, it'll only take
 a second."

 No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start
 itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from
 "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by
 watching too many Stephen King movies.

 It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling
 Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed.  And if a
 poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she
 was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the
 rest of my life.

 So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to
 make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was
 not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

 I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
 find the button.  It is the last action I remember
 performing.  It struck without warning, without respect
 to my circumstances.  Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal,
 drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.  It was our
 new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects
 she spied between my legs.

 She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around
 the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
 sink.  At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,
 she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
 them with her needle-like claws.

 Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere
 close to their masculine region, they lose all rational
 thought to control orderly bodily movements.  Instinctively,
 their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while
 rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

 Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his
 groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify
 the situation in a step-by-step procedure.  Wild animals
 are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome;
 men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

 Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels
 when it is alarmed.  It was a dismal irony.  But, whereas
 cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far.
 The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact
 knocked me out cold.

 When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
 Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted
 as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their
 hysterical laughter.  My wife told me I should be flattered.

 At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out
 of me.  I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
 "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

 If they had only known.

Top
Subj:     16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day (S589)
          From: rfslick on 4/27/2008

 These sixteen cat pictures and sayings are quite cute.
 You can view them by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
          By Bud Herron
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say
 cats lick themselves clean.  They say cats have a special
 enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New,
 Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
 whisks it away.  I've spent most of my life believing
 this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able
 to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty
 odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
 smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
 The time comes, however, when a man must face reality;
 when he must look squarely in the face of massive public
 sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells
 like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

 When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine,
 I have some advice you might consider as you place your
 feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

 -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of
 quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have
 the advantage of strength.  Capitalize on that advantage
 by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in
 an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick
 a very small bathroom.  If your bathroom is more than
 four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub
 with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
 you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
 curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-
 ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
 shift positions.)

 -- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
 remove all the skin from your body.  Your advantage
 here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
 protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls tucked
 into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
 gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-
 sleeve flak jacket.

 -- Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to
 go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole
 in your flak jacket.  Draw the water.  Make sure the
 bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.
 Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
 lying on your back in the water.

 -- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
 nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper
 dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.
 They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
 If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you
 are taking part in a product-testing experiment for
 J.C. Penney.)

 -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential
 to survival.  In a single liquid motion, shut the
 bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the
 glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
 him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest
 45 seconds of your life.  Cats have no handles.  Add
 the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem
 is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to
 him for more that two or three seconds at a time.

 When you have him, however, you must remember to give
 him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.  He
 wll then spring free and fall back into the water,
 thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is
 -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too
 much.)

 -- Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers
 always assume this part will be the most difficult,
 for humans generally are worn out at this point
 and the cat is just getting really determined.  In
 fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have
 just been through.  That's because by now the cat is
 semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You
 simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for
 your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat
 will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
 If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
 shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
 After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a
 simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

 In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed
 from your leg.  He will usually have nothing to say
 for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time
 sitting with his back to you.  He might even become
 psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
 figurine.  You will be tempted to assume he is angry.
 This isn't usually the case.  As a rule he is simply
 plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
 you for life the next time you decide to give him a
 bath.  But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Top
Subj:     How to Bathe A Cat (S138, S403)
          From: RFSlick on 09/17/1999
      and From: Imogenelumen 9/27/2004

 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
    and have both lids lifted.

 3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards
    the bathroom.

 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
    close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so
    that it cannot escape).  CAUTION: Do not get any part
    of your body too close to the edge, as it's paws will
    be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
.
.........
.
 5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power
    wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
    there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
    both lids.

 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
    outside where it will dry itself.
 
   JOB WELL DONE.  NOTE: SOMETIMES
   YOU GET LUCKY AND THE CAT GETS
   FLUSHED DOWN THE THE TOILET.
   YOU CAN THEN SKIP STEPS 6, 7, ? 8.

   Sincerely,
   The Dog

Top
Subj:     Feline Physics (S377b)
          From: ossama on 98-09-03
      and From: tadams96 on 4/20/2004

 Law of Cat Inertia
   A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
   upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat
   food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
 Law of Cat Motion
   A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
   really good reason to change direction.
 Law of Cat Magnetism
   All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
   direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
 Law of Cat Thermodynamics
   Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
   case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
 Law of Cat Stretching
   A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the
   length of the nap just taken.
 Law of Cat Sleeping
   All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
   position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and
   as comfortable as possible for the cat.
 Law of Cat Elongation
   A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
   counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
 Law of Cat Obstruction
   A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct
   the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
 Law of Cat Acceleration
   A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets
   good and ready to stop.
 Law of Dinner Table Attendance
   Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
 Law of Rug Configuration
   No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
 Law of Obedience Resistance
   A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
   desire for her to do something.
 First Law of Energy Conservation
   Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
   and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
 Second Law of Energy Conservation
   Cats also know that energy can only be stored by
   a lot of napping.
 Law of Refrigerator Observation
   If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
   come along and take out something good to eat.
 Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
   Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed
   at the speed of light.
 Law of Random Comfort Seeking
   A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
   comfortable spot in any given room.
 Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
   All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
   within the earliest possible nanosecond.
 Law of Cat Embarrassment
   A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
   embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
 Law of Milk Consumption
   A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to
   show you he can.
 Law of Furniture Replacement
   A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
   proportional to the cost of the furniture.
 Law of Cat Landing
   A cat will always land in the softest place possible;
   often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
 Law of Fluid Displacement
   A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume,
   minus the amount of milk consumed.
 Law of Cat Disinterest
   A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion
   to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to
   interest him.
 Law of Pill Rejection
   Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to
   reach escape velocity.
 Law of Cat Composition
   A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter +
   It Doesn't Matter.

Top
Subj:     Cat Equation -Excel (S564a)
          From: edapsmas on 11/15/2007
Bus drawing from FlickR

 There are 7 girls in the bus.
 Each girl has 7 bags.
 Each bag has 7 big cats.
 Each big cat has 7 kittens.
 Each cat has 4 legs.

 Q: How many legs are in the bus?

 The quantity of legs is the password for the below database.
 If you answer right, add your name to the list on the right
 and forward it to a friend.

 http://jokelibrary.net/animals/a_to_c/cats1-equation.xls

 There really is a right answer that will open the Excel page.

Top
Subj:     Cats In A Basket Riddle (S425b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/15/2005

 If you have six men and they each had six baskets. Each
 basket has six cats inside and each cat has six kittens.
 Assuming all are whole and healthy, how many legs are there?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

 6,060. There are six men who each have six baskets. This
 equals 36 baskets. Each basket has six cats which equals
 216 cats. Each cat has six kittens which equals 1,296
 kittens.  Therefore the kittens represent 5,184 legs. The
 cats represent 864 legs. The men represent 12 legs.  The
 sum total is 6,060 legs.

Top
Subj:     Cat Gets In Suitcase Before Flight
          From: ginafm on 1/24/2008 (S576c)
Suitcase drawing from Peter's Illustrations Gallery...
 Source: http://www.dailybreeze.com//ci_8061051?IADID=
.........Search-www.dailybreeze.com-www.dailybreeze.com

 A kitten got into his owner's suitcase before a plane flight.
 You can read about what happened by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From My Cat

 Life is hard, and then you nap.
 Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
 When in doubt, cop an attitude.
 Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people;
    the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
 Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
 Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
 Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed
    tells them, "I care".
 When you go out into the world, always remember,
    being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
 Make love loudly and have your babies quietly.

Top
Subj:     Legalize Catnip (S905)
          From: Patricia Dillow on Facebook
 Source: http://sophlylaughing.blogspot.com/
.........2013/02/legalize-catnip.html
.
..........
.
                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
...............................Cheshire cat from Kindergarden-Workshop
.
.
.