(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 12848n,14,cf)
Cats on Fence from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Cat1 Jokes
(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 12848n,14,cf) |
|
Cats on Fence from Animation Factory |
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'Rudy The Cat And The Kitchen
Sink'
......................-
'Stuck
In A Cat Door'
ASCII ART I - 'Cat Emoticons'
......................-
'Cat'
ASCII ART III- 'Cat'
BIG CATS file- (see whole file)
BIRDS file - 'Blue Bird
Sings Inside Manure'
......................-
'Two
Robins Eat Worms'
......................-
'The
End Of The Raven'
BIRDS-SUPP - 'Crow Raises
A Kitten' - Movie
CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Simon's
Cat In "Fowl Play"' - Movie
COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'Screen Grab
- Simon's Cat' - Movie
DOG1 file - 'Sick
Dog Goes To Vet'
......................-
'God
Created Cats And Dogs'
DOG2 file - 'Our
Best Friends?'
DOG3 file - 'Cat's
Letter To God'
DOG-SUPP - 'Garfield
Comic Strip'
FAIRY TALES - 'Cinderella
At 75' (Three Wishes And A Cat)
FARMER1 file - 'Johnny
Kicks The Animals'
FUNERAL file - 'Little
Tommy's Fish Dies'
GAMES file - 'Feeding
Husband Cat Food'
GAMES2-SUPP - 'Circle The
Cat' - Game
HALLOWEEN - '30
Halloween Costumes On Pets'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Cat
And Mice Go To Heaven'
JOBS-SUPP - 'Six
Phases Of Working'
KIDS2 file - 'Teenagers
Are like Cats:'
KIDS5 file - 'The
Babysitter' - PPS
LETTERS2 file- 'Dog
And Cat Diaries'
LOVE file - 'Forbidden
Love'
......................-
'Forbidden
Love II'
MIDD_EAST-SUP- 'What
Does A Muslim Pussy Look Like'
MOTHERS file - 'Why My
Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day'
OTHER-ANIM-SU- 'What Pets Do When
We're At Work'
PLANE2 file - 'Instrument
Flying...'
PREACHER file- 'The
Pastor's Cat'
PRIESTS3 file- 'The Priest
And Turpentine'
PROGRAMMER - 'How
To Hire A Programmer'
PUSSY file - 'Strangers
Have Sex On Beach'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'How
You See Yourself - Picture'
THOUGHTS-LRN1- 'The
GIF - Dog On The Highway'
THOUGHTS-Slly- 'Contest
Of Theories'
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| Subj:
Cat Herding (S566)
From: ginafm on 11/18/2007 |
 |
This 3,800 KB commercial is very
funny. You can view it
at the source, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Taking
The Cat To The Vet (S539)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2007
One day we found an old straggly
cat at our door. She was
a sorry sight. Starving,
dirty, smelled terrible, skinny
and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her
in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what
to call her, so we named her
"Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for
a day or so. He said he
would let us know when we could
come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said,
"OK, but don't forget to
wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his
WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty
cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see
eye to eye. The vet calls
my husband 'El-Cheap-O',
and my husband calls the vet
'El-Charge-O'. They love
to hate each other and constantly
snipe at one another, with my
husband getting in the last
word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an
appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building,
next door to the vet.
The waiting room was full of
people waiting to see the
doctor.
A side door opened and the vet
leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband
and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink
any more and it's finally clean
and shaved, so she now
smells like a rose. Oh,
and, by the way, I think she's
pregnant. God only knows
who the father is!" Then he
closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
\\\//
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Subj:
Cat That Loves Boxing (S592c in Boxing)
From: rfslick on 5/25/2008 |
You can view this cute, short movie by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: The
Dillard's Thief (S503)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/6/2006
The Dillard's Thief In San Antonio, Texas.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping
bags, Ellen and Kay woefully
gazed down at a dead cat in
the mall parking lot. Obviously
a recent hit - no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor
kitty have had here?" murmured
Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."
But Ellen had already
grabbed her shopping bag and
was explaining, "I'll just put
my things in your bag, and then
I'll take the tissue." She
dumped her purchases into Kay's
bag and then used the tissue
paper to cradle and lower the
former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek
to the car in silence, stashing
their goods in the trunk.
But it occurred to both of them
that if they left Ellen's burial
bag in the trunk, warmed by
the Texas sunshine while they
ate, Kay's Lumina would soon
lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag
on top of the trunk, and they
headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the
serving line and sat down at
a window table, they had a view
of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's
bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate,
they noticed a black-haired
woman in a red gingham shirt
stroll by their car, look
quickly this way and that, and
then hook the Dillard's bag
without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their
line of vision. Kay and
Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed
look of amazement. It all
happened so fast that neither
of them could think how to
respond. "Can you imagine?"
finally sputtered Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay
sympathized with Ellen, but
inwardly a laugh was building
as she thought about the
grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have
to giggle into her napkin,
she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze
in the direction of the
serving line. Following
her gaze, Kay recognized with a
shock the black-haired woman
with the Dillard's bag, THE
Dillard's bag, hanging from
her arm, brazenly pushing her
tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene
unfold: After clearing
the register, the woman settled
at a table across from
theirs, put the bag on an empty
chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish
and green beans, she
casually lifted the bag into
her lap to survey her
treasure. Looking from
side to side, but not far enough
to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled
out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag. Her eyes
widened, and she began to make
a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as
she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper
chest. The beverage
cart attendant quickly recognized
a customer in trouble
and sent the busboy to call
911, while she administered
the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that
did not include Ellen and
Kay, who remained riveted to
their chairs for seven whole
minutes until the ambulance
arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly
haired woman emerged
from the crowd, still gasping,
strapped securely on a
gurney. Two well-trained EMS
volunteers steered her
to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her
belongings. The last they
saw of the distressed cat-burglar,
she disappeared behind the ambulance
doors, the Dillard's
bag perched on her stomach.
My Mom always taught me if it
doesn't belong to you don't
touch it, guess she didn't have
a wise Mom like I do. Serves
her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
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| Subj:
The Cat And The Fan Of Terror (S467b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/30/2005 |
 |
You can view this cute, short,
MPED movie at either source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: Jerry
Brings Home Presents Each Night To His Wife
From: RFSlick on 98-07-15
One night, Jerry brought home
a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said,
"what's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you." he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home
with a big box of chocolates
and explained that he wanted
to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey." said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry
brought home something, but
each time his wife's answer
was no. Finally he came home
with six black kittens with
little red bows around their
necks and handed them to his
wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
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Subj:
Row of Five Scottish Fold Kittens (S577b)
From: ginafm on 2/2/2008 |
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Subj: "Cats
Are Like?" (S84, S617)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #204 on 98-09-01
(See 'Our Best Friends?' in DOGS2)
1. Cats do what they want, when
they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are
not happy.
5. When you want to play they
want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone,
they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater
to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are like little,
tiny women
in cheap fur coats.
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| Subj:
Pinkie The Cat (S417 in Movie)
From: agrief on 1/19/2005 Source1: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pinky.html |
 |
This is a cat adoption video.
It is cute. You can see
it at either source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Dead
Cat With Legs Pointing Up
From: humorlist-digest V2 #165 on 98-07-04
Little Lucy went out into the
garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its
eyes shut and its legs in the
air. She fetched her Dad
to look at Piddles, and on seeing
the cat he said, as gently as
he could, "I'm afraid Piddles
is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking
up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back
the tears.
At a loss for something to say
the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up
in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down
from heaven above and grab a
leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her
Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when
her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."
Fearing something terrible had
happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you
mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after
you left for work this
morning I saw mommy lying on
the floor with her legs in the
air and she was shouting, "Oh
Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!"
and if it hadn't been for the
milkman holding her down she
would definitely have gone,
Daddy".
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Subj:.....Cat
Washing Machine (S531)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/23/2007 |
This movie is no longer available at WeWin.com.
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Subj: Cat
Ranching
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #239 on 98-04-11
Dear Shawn:
I don't know if you would be
interested in this, but I thought
I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper"
in making a lot of money with
very little investment.
A group of us is considering
investing in a large cat ranch
near Hermosillo, Mexico.
It is our intention to start rather
small with about one million
cats. Each cat averages about
twelve kittens each year; skins
can be sold for about twenty
cents for the white ones and
up to forty cents for the black.
This will give us twelve million
cat skins per year to sell
at an average price of around
thirty-two cents, making revenue
about $3 million a year.
This averages out to about $10
thousand a day excluding Sundays
and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin
about fifty cats per day at
a wage of $3.15 a day.
It will take only 633 men to operate
the ranch, so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.
Now, the cats would be fed on
rats exclusively. Rats multiply
four times faster than cats.
We would start a rat ranch
adjacent to our cat ranch.
If we started with a million
rats, we will have four rats
per cat per day. The rats will
be fed on the carcasses of the
cats we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of cat per
day. You can see by this that
the business is a clean operation,
self-supporting, and really
automatic throughout.
The cats will eat the rats, and the
rats will eat the cats, and
we will get the skins.
Eventually, it is my hope to
cross the cats with snakes
because snakes skin themselves
twice a year. This will save
the labor costs of skinning
the cats as well as giving us two
skins per cat.
Let me know if you are interested.
As you can imagine, I'm
rather particular whom I want
in this deal. And I want the
fewest investors possible.
May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.
Very truly yours,
Ray Waters
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| Subj:
22 Short Kitten Films (S536)
From: edapsmas on 4/25/2007 . |
 |
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Subj: Cat
And The Cockerel Cross The Stream
(Also see 'The Hunter
And The Fly' in HUNTER-CAMPING)
The farmer was very busy because
it was harvest time. He
left the gate open one day and
the cat and the cockerel
decide to take a walk down the
lane towards the cornfields
and the stream. As they
reach the stream, they see a field
of ripe corn on the far side.
The cat says "Where there is
corn there will I find mice,"
and the cockerel says "That
corn is ripe and looks oh! so
tasty."
They decide to cross the stream
and get to the riches on the
far side. But as they
look, they realise the stream is too
wide for them to cross.
The bird cannot fly that far and the
cat cannot jump that far.
So they decide to practice their
flying and jumping. After
much flapping and leaping they
reckon they will just about
make it.
The cockerel and the cat draw
back from the stream just a
few paces and make a run for
it. With an enormous effort
and flapping of wings, the cockerel
lands happily on the
far side and starts eating his
fill of golden corn. Mean-
while the cat having made the
best jump ever of her life,
still only lands a few inches
short of the far bank and
tumbles into the water.
She has to drag herself out onto
dry land before starting her
hunt for mice.
And the moral of this story?
Where there is a contented
cock there too is a wet pussy.
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Subj:
Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz On Cats (S670b)
From: KingFeatures on 11/11/2009 Drawing from KingFeatures.com |
This Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz
on cats is to identifly nine
cats and/or why they are famous.
(e.g., This cat's very first
words were "thufferin' thuccotash."
Answer: Sylvester.) Click
'HERE'
to test your knowledge.
.
.
| To see other Asimov quizes click on |  . |
An antiques collector noticed
a cat drinking milk from what
looked like an old and valuable
saucer outside a small shop.
He asked the shop keeper if
he would sell the cat.
"I'm sorry," said the owner, "but the cat is not for sale."
"Please," urged the man, "I need
a cat around the house to
catch mice I'll give you $20
for the cat."
"Its a deal," said the shopkeeper
"May I take that old dish," asked
the man, "the cat seems
really fond of it. I'd like
him to be happy."
"Sorry," the shopkeeper answered,
"but that dish brings me
luck! Why, just this week
alone, I've sold more than 50
cats to people with mice."
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| Subj:
Oscar The Death Cat (S682)
From: ginafm on 2/1/2010 Source1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_(cat) |
 |
Oscar (born 2005) is a therapy
cat in a Rhode Island nursing
home, Steere House Nursing and
Rehabilitation Center, who was
featured in an article in the
New England Journal of Medicine
in July 2007—by David Dosa,
a geriatrician and assistant
professor at Brown University—for
his purported ability to
predict the impending death
of
terminally ill patients.
Explanations for this ability
include that the cat can smell
ketones,
the biochemicals released by dying cells, or the
lack of movement in near-terminal
patients.
Oscar became the subject of a
book by Dosa in 2010, Making
Rounds
With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat.
Click 'HERE'
to read this interesting article and to see the
House TV Series season 5 episode
18 promo - Here Kitty.
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Subj: All
I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From My Cat
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything
except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life.
One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy
them, and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's
why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world,
or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird
or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I
care".
When you go out into the world,
always remember,
being placed on
a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
Make love loudly and have your
babies quietly.
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Subj: Fire
Dept To The Rescue! (S59)
From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14
This is a true story which happened
during the late 1970's.
My wife has firsthand knowledge
of the circumstances since,
at the time, she was a police
officer in whose jurisdiction
the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town,
somewhat northeast to the city
of Niagara Falls, NY.
One evening, a resident of the town
called the local volunteer fire
department to request
assistance in removing their
cat from a tree. Since this
was a "questionable" call, the
fire control dispatcher
called the fire chief at home
to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out
the department, since it was
early evening and it shouldn't
be a problem for the volunteers
to respond.
The fire department responded
with a rescue truck which had
an extension ladder. The
tree, however, was too tall and
willowy to support the weight
of the extension ladder.
Rather than send men back to
the fire hall to bring the
aerial ladder truck, one of
the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action.
Two of the firefighters
supported the ladder while a
third climbed high enough to
tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.
The other end of the rope was
tied to a trailer hitch on
a pickup truck, with the truck
slowly driven forward,
forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised
to grab the cat as soon as it
was within his reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne
heading south toward the
city of Niagara Falls, and was
never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
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Subj: Why
The Dog Left (S399b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/11/2004
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Subj: Here
Kitty, Kitty...Kitty (S41, S597c)
From: Don_Hatch on 97-11-05
and
From: RFSlick on 5/15/2003
Calling in sick to work makes
me uncomfortable because
no matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my
boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid
reason but lied anyway
because the truth was too humiliating
to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel up
to coming in the next day.
By then, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage
on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt.
I mean it really hurt in
the place men feel the most
pain. The accident occurred
mainly because I conceded to
my wife's wishes to adopt a
cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes,
I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to
me from the kitchen. "Ed!"
she hearkened, "The garbage
disposal is dead. Come
reset it."
"You know where the button is."
I protested through the
shower (pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded.
"What if it starts going
and sucks me in?"... Pause...
"C'mon, it'll only take
a second."
No logical assurance about how
a disposal can't start
itself will calm the fears of
a person who suffers from
"Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,"
a condition brought on by
watching too many Stephen King
movies.
It is futile to argue or explain,
kind of like telling
Lloyd Bentsen Americans are
over-taxed. And if a
poltergeist did, in fact, possess
the disposal, and she
was ground into round, I'd have
to live with that the
rest of my life.
So out I came, dripping wet and
buck naked, hoping to
make a statement about how her
cowardly behavior was
not without consequence but
it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my
head under the sink to
find the button. It is
the last action I remember
performing. It struck
without warning, without respect
to my circumstances. Nay,
it wasn't a hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, clawing playfully
at the dangling objects
she spied between my legs.
She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater")
had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as
I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even
sense danger anywhere
close to their masculine region,
they lose all rational
thought to control orderly bodily
movements. Instinctively,
their nerves compel the body
to contort inwardly, while
rising upwardly at a violent
rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk
could calmly stand with his
groin supporting the full weight
of a kitten and rectify
the situation in a step-by-step
procedure. Wild animals
are sometimes faced with a "fight
or flight" syndrome;
men, in this predicament, choose
only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at
that moment how a cat feels
when it is alarmed. It
was a dismal irony. But, whereas
cats seek great heights to escape,
I never made it that far.
The sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me.
Having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics snorted
as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing their
hysterical laughter. My
wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried
to coax an explanation out
of me. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got
your tongue?"
If they had only known.
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Subj:
16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day (S589)
From: rfslick on 4/27/2008 |
These sixteen cat pictures and
sayings are quite cute.
You can view them on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Cat
Bathing As A Martial Art
By Bud Herron
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
Some people say cats never have
to be bathed. They say
cats lick themselves clean.
They say cats have a special
enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like New,
Improved Wisk - dislodging the
dirt where it hides and
whisks it away. I've spent
most of my life believing
this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able
to discount all the facts to
the contrary - the kitty
odors that lurk in the corners
of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw
rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when
a man must face reality;
when he must look squarely in
the face of massive public
sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells
like a port-a-potty on a hot
day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your
house, as it has in mine,
I have some advice you might
consider as you place your
feline friend under you arm
and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat
has the advantage of
quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have
the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage
by selecting the battlefield.
Don't try to bathe him in
an open area where he can force
you to chase him. Pick
a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than
four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding-glass
doors as if
you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower
curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-
ply rubber shower curtain quicker
than a politician can
shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws
and will not hesitate to
remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage
here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots,
a pair of steel-mesh
gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face mask and a long-
sleeve flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance.
There is no time to
go out for a towel when you
have a cat digging a hole
in your flak jacket. Draw
the water. Make sure the
bottle of kitty shampoo is inside
the glass enclosure.
Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are
lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise.
Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper
dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.
They have little or no interest
in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you
are taking part in a product-testing
experiment for
J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom,
speed is essential
to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the
bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the
glass door shut, dip the cat
in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest
45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add
the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem
is radically compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to
him for more that two or three
seconds at a time.
When you have him, however, you
must remember to give
him another squirt of shampoo
and rub like crazy. He
wll then spring free and fall
back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off.
(The national record is
-- for cats -- three latherings,
so don't expect too
much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried.
Novice cat bathers
always assume this part will
be the most difficult,
for humans generally are worn
out at this point
and the cat is just getting
really determined. In
fact, the drying is simple compared
to what you have
just been through. That's
because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your
right leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for
your towel and wait. (Occasionally,
however, the cat
will end up clinging to the
top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing
you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage
him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained
from the tub, it is a
simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax
enough to be removed
from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say
for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time
sitting with his back to you.
He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the
fixed stare of a plaster
figurine. You will be
tempted to assume he is angry.
This isn't usually the case.
As a rule he is simply
plotting ways to get through
your defenses and injure
you for life the next time you
decide to give him a
bath. But, at least now
he smells a lot better.
\\\//
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Subj: How
to Bathe A Cat (S138, S403)
From: RFSlick on 09/17/1999
and
From: Imogenelumen 9/27/2004
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of
shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe
it while you carry it towards
the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put
the cat in the toilet and
close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so
that it cannot
escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part
of your body too
close to the edge, as it's paws will
be reaching out
for any purchase they can find.
 |
5. Flush the toilet three or
four times. This provides a "power
wash and rinse"
which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door
to the outside and ensure that
there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as
far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket
out of the toilet, and run
outside where it
will dry itself.
| JOB WELL
DONE. NOTE: SOMETIMES
YOU GET LUCKY AND THE CAT GETS FLUSHED DOWN THE THE TOILET. YOU CAN THEN SKIP STEPS 6, 7, ? 8. Sincerely,
|
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Feline
Physics (S377b)
From: ossama on 98-09-03
and
From: tadams96 on 4/20/2004
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend
to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a
straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to
change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and
black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer
to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, in which
case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to
a distance proportional to the
length of the nap just
taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with
people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable
for the people involved, and
as comfortable as possible
for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body
long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has
anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the
floor in such a position to obstruct
the maximum amount of
human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate
at a constant rate, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all
meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in
its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies
in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do
something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy
can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy
can only be stored by
a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator
long enough, someone will
come along and take out
something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket
and a cat will jump into bed
at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek,
and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any
given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in
a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible
nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises
in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his
weight in milk, squared, just to
show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch
furniture is directly
proportional to the cost
of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land
in the softest place possible;
often the mid-section
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk
will displace her own volume,
minus the amount of milk
consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level
will vary in inverse proportion
to the amount of effort
a human expends in trying to
interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to
reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of
Matter + Anti-Matter +
It Doesn't Matter.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
 |
Subj:
Cat Equation (S564a)
From: edapsmas on 11/15/2007 Bus drawing from FlickR |
There are 7 girls in the bus.
Each girl has 7 bags.
Each bag has 7 big cats.
Each big cat has 7 kittens.
Each cat has 4 legs.
Q: How many legs are in the bus?
The quantity of legs is the password
for the below database.
If you answer right, add your
name to the list on the right
and forward it to a friend.
http://jokelibrary.net/animals/a_to_c/cats1-equation.xls
There really is a right answer that will open it.
\\\//
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Subj: Cats
In A Basket Riddle (S425b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/15/2005
If you have six men and they
each had six baskets. Each
basket has six cats inside and
each cat has six kittens.
Assuming all are whole and healthy,
how many legs are there?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
6,060. There are six men who
each have six baskets. This
equals 36 baskets. Each basket
has six cats which equals
216 cats. Each cat has six kittens
which equals 1,296
kittens. Therefore the
kittens represent 5,184 legs. The
cats represent 864 legs. The
men represent 12 legs. The
sum total is 6,060 legs.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Cat Gets In Suitcase Before Flight
From: ginafm on 1/24/2008 (S576c) Suitcase
drawing from Peter's
Illustrations Gallery...
|
 |
A kitten got into his owner's
suitcase before a plane flight.
You can read about what happened
at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Cheshire cat from
Kindergarden-Workshop |