.
 
Subj:     Dog1 Jokes
                 (Includes 29 jokes and articles, 22 1032n,15,cf,wXT2c4,4)
.

Dog and Fly from
AGAG Animation Gallery
Includes the following:  Conan O'Brien's Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog - Videos
.........................Boy Sees Two Dogs Mate (S328, S841)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm Comic Strip (S891)
.........................Grandma Explains Dogs Mating (S282)
.........................Power Of Puppies - Video (S1027)
.........................God Created Cats And Dogs (S116, S602c)
.........................Three Dogs At The Vets (S159, S806)
.........................Tundra Comics (DU)
.........................Dog Applies For Job (S287b)
.........................Dog Has Bath With Detergent (S66)
.........................A Dog Named Skidboot - Video (S509, S780)
.........................Mass For A Dead Dog
.........................Dog Goes To The Butcher Shop (S181)
.........................Cartoon - The Grim Sweeper (S386)
.........................Sick Dog Goes To Vet (S107, S659b)
.........................Who's Dog Is Better (S148, S483b)
.........................Lost Puppy (S476b)
.........................Dog Named MyPenis (S317b)
.........................A Dog Named Sex (S100, S800)
.........................Talking Dog For Sale (S294b, S681b)
.........................U.S. Mail Vs Dogs - Video (S675)
.........................Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar
.........................Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar II (S313)
.........................Two Dogs Stuck Mating (S779)
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S887)
.........................Two Dogs Talking
.........................Dog Pulls A Wagon
.........................A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant (S167, S543c)
.........................Aussie Beer Commercial - Video (S650)
.........................'Beware of Dog' Sign
.........................Dog Brings Home A Rabbit (S42)
.........................Two Farmers And A Dog Who Can Count
.........................How To Draw A Dog - GIF (S453)

Also see ACCIDENT2    - 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in NonJokes
         ALIEN file   - 'Minions - Alien Puppy' - Short Film
         ASCII ART I  - 'Dog'
         BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
         BAR_ANIMALS  - 'Three Dogs In A Bar'
......................- 'Man Discusses Dead Dog At Bar'
......................- 'Dog Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey'
         BAR2 file    - 'Blowing Chunks'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'St. Bernard's Boy's Bathroom'
......................- 'Tundra Comics'
.........BEER-SUPP    - 'Bud Light And Fergus The Dog'
         BIRD-PARROTS - 'Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar'
         BIRD-DUCKS   - 'The Duck And The Dog'
......................- 'Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting'
         BIG CATS file- 'The Dog And The Leopard'
         BUTCHER file - 'Butcher Sees Lawyer About A Dog'
         CARS2 file   - 'An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace'
         CAT2 file    - 'The Difference Between Dogs And Cats'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Drabble Comic Strip'
         CLINTON file - 'The President And The Puppies'
......................- 'Bill Gets A Dog'
         CLOTHING-SUPP- 'Cloths On The Floor' - GIF
         COMPUTERS1   - 'Dogs On Line - Cartoon'
         COWS-SHEEP   - 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
         DATING1 file - 'Personal Ad'
         DATING3 file - 'Asking Your Date To Marry You'
         EAST EUROPEAN- 'Ukraine Politician Walks Dog'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Mother Goose On Grandfathers'
         ELEPHANT file- 'Elephant and Dog - Bubbles and Bella, Best Friends' - Video
         ENGINEER1    - 'When An Engineer Owns A Dog' - Video
......................- 'When An Engineer Owns A Dog II' - Video
         ENGLSHMAN-SUP- 'Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding' - Video
         FACTS4 file  - 'Bondage Game And Their Dog, Rudy'
         FART file    - 'Farting Dog Harmonics'
         FIREMEN file - 'The Little Fireman'
......................- 'Fire Truck w/Dog Passes Van w/Kids'
......................- 'Why Dalmatians Are Firehouse Mascots'
         FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'Purina Diet'
         FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'The Best Pepsi Commercial Ever'
         FUNERAL file - 'The Funeral Line'
.........GOD2 file    - 'God Created Donkeys, Dogs, Monkeys, And Men'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golf Pro Teaches Sweet Young Thing'
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'Mother Goose And Grimm' - Cartoon
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Blind Man And His Dog In A Store'
         HALLOWEEN    - '30 Halloween Costumes On Pets'
         HALLOWEEN SUP- 'Dogs And Their Pumpkins'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Pepsi Commercial - Just Lunch'
         HEADLINE-SUP2- 'GEICO's Family Ad' - Video
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Dogs And Heaven'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Two Similar Patients'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Tundra Comics'
......................- 'Emergency Room Stories'
         HOTEL file   - 'Bringing Your Dog To A Hotel'
         HOWTO file   - 'How To Make A Balloon Puppy'
         HUNTING file - 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Tundra Comics' w/Ducks And Dogs'
         JESUS file   - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Dog Goes To Jewish Service'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Little Things Are Cute'
         KIDS5 file   - 'The Babysitter' - PPS
......................- 'Baby Picture - Learning To Walk'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Dog And Cat Diaries'
         LOVE file    - 'Forbidden Love'
......................- 'Forbidden Love II'
         LOVE-SUPP    - 'Do you Remember Love'
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'Doggie Heaven'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Whyatt Cartoons'
         MENQUESTIONS - 'Who Needs A Man'
         MONKEY file  - 'Gorilla In A Tree'
         MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing Your Trumpet In A Movie'
         NEW_YORKER   - 'New York Pointer'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Two Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog'
         OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Animals Rescue People'
......................- 'Best Friends'
......................- 'Dangers Of Being A Flasher'
         OTHER_ANIM-SU- 'What Pets Do When We're At Work'
         PHONE file   - 'Elderly Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring'
         PIG file     - 'Blind Dog Meets Blind Pig'
         PILOT file   - 'Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Police Dog On A Commercial Flight'
         POETRY-SUPP  - 'Jimmy Stewart Reads a Poem On Johnny Carson' - Video
         POLICE1 file - 'K-9 Unit Responds To Burglary'
......................- 'Demonstration Of Police Dog Work'
         POLICE2 file - 'K-9 Unit And The Kid'
         POLIT-SUPP3  - 'I Think My Dog's A Democrat' - Video
         PREACHER file- 'Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing'
         PREGNANY file- 'Pregnant Lady Shot Three Times'
         PSYCHOLOGIST - 'A Kid, A Dog, And A Psychologist'
         RELIGION1    - 'And We Pray'
         SANTA file   - 'Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats' - Video
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Presents For The Teacher'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating'
         SEX2 file    - 'Sex Doggy Style II'
         SEX3 file    - 'Sex Doggy Style'
         SHIT file    - 'Calvin Obeys Mom'
         SOUTHERNER   - 'Man Saves Boy And Kills Dog'
         STRANDED file- 'Man Stranded With His Dog'
         TEAR-JERKER2 - 'Puppies For Sale'
         THANKSGIVING - 'Dog Gives Thanks' - Cartoon
         THOUGHTS-LRN1- 'The GIF - Dog On The Highway'
         THOUGHTS-Slly- 'If You Can...'
         THO-WARM-SUPP- 'A Little Boy, A Dog, and A Puddle' - Video
         Y_A_F-SUPP   - 'How Hot Is It In Texas'

DOG1 and DOG3 file contains jokes
DOG2 file contains oddities
============================================================Top
Subj: Conan O'Brien's Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog

I am starting to gather video clips of
Triumph's comic routines and will list
them here.
 
Star Wars Premier In New York City
.
Bon Jovi And The Insult Comic Dog

.
  Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog, At The Tonys
..
  Triumph Gives The Hawaii Weather Report
.
Top
Subj:     Boy Sees Two Dogs Mate (S328, S841)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/14/2003

 One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on
 their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating
 in the brush.

 "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring
 intently at the scene before them.

 "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father,
 as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.  A few
 nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his
 bed to go to the bathroom.

 As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises
 coming from within.  He opened the door and was surprised to
 see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange
 way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both
 mother and father froze.  As the boy's mother grabbed for
 the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and
 hustled his son out of the bedroom.

 "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who
 still wasn't sure what he saw.  "Your mother and I were,
 well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe
 a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now
 confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.

 "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute.
 "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her
 over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

Top
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm Comic Strip (S891)
          By Mike Peters on 2/7/2014
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
.

..
Top
Subj:     Grandma Explains Dogs Mating (S282)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10
      and From: dogbyte on 6/23/2002

 A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came
 across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

 "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

 The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on
 top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
 him to the doctor."

 "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the
 little one.

 "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

 "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and
 they screw you everytime!"

Top
Subj:     Power Of Puppies (S1027d)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 9/18/2016

 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/SJoE_lNQdHU

 Click 'HERE' to see a preschool, retirement home, and
 gym be transformed from an ordinary day with puppies.

Top
Subj:     God Created Cats And Dogs (S116, S602c)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004
      and From: darrellvip on 7/25/2008

 It is reported that the following edition of the Book of
 Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic,
 it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

 And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
 with me everyday.  Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lone-
 some here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
 love me."

 And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
 that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
 my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when
 you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish and childish
 and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
 as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

 And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And
 it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

 And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
 his tail.  And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all
 the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken
 and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

 And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new
 animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will
 be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

 And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
 him.  And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog
 was content and wagged his tail.

 After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
 came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled
 with pride.  He struts and preens like a peacock and he
 believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught
 him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

 And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
 companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
 as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations,
 so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

 And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat
 would not obey Adam.

 And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that
 he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

 And God was pleased.

 And Adam was greatly improved.

 And Dog was happy.

 And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Top
Subj:     Three Dogs At The Vets (S159, S806)
          From: icohen on 02/15/2000
      and From: AFine963 on 6/20/2012

 (See 'Woman Complains To Vet About Dog' in Dog3)

 Three dogs - a Great Dane, a Boxer, and a Labrador - are
 sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they
 strike up a conversation.  The Great Dane turns to the
 Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"

 The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser.  I piss on everything -
 the sofa, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was
 last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 The Great Dane says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

 "Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.

 The Great Dane then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why
 are you here?"

 The Lab says, "I'm a digger.  I dig under fences, dig up
 flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it.
 When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.  But I crossed the
 line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
 couch."

 "So, what are they going to do to you?" the Great Dane
 inquires.

 "Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.

 The Labrador then turns to the Great Dane and asks what
 he's at the vet's office for.

 "I'm a humper," the Great Dane says. "I'll hump anything.
 I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
 whatever.  I want to hump everything I see.  Yesterday,
 my owner, a beautiful runway model, had just gotten out
 of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and
 I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and
 started humping away."

 The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and ask, "So,
 lethal injection for you too, huh?"

 The Great Dane says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Top
Subj:     Tundra Comics (DU)
          Created by Chad Carpenter
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/tundracomics
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.................
.
.
Top
Subj:     Dog Applies For Job (S287b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #105 on 98-04-30
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/29/2002

 A local business was looking for office help.  They put a
 sign in the window, stating the following:  "HELP WANTED.
 Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
 be bilingual.  We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

 A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window,
 saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist
 and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at
 it and whined.

 Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
 The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to
 say the least.  However, the dog looked determined, so he
 lead him into the office.  Inside, the dog jumped up on the
 chair and stared at the manager.

 The manager said "I can't hire you.  The sign says you have
 to be able to type."  The dog jumped down, went to the type-
 writer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.  He took
 out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to
 him, then jumped back on the chair.

 The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign
 says you have to be good with a computer."  The dog jumped
 down again and went to the computer.  The dog proceeded to
 enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly
 the first time.

 By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!  He
 looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
 intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.  How-
 ever, I *still* can't give you the job."

 The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put
 his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal
 Opportunity Employer.  The manager said "yes, but the sign
 *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

 The dog looked at the manager calmly and said,  "Meow!"

Top
Subj:     Dog Has Bath With Detergent (S66)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-30

 A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
 and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
 laundry detergent.  The grocer walked over, and, trying to
 be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

 "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
 "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very
 powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
 In fact, it might even kill him."

 But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
 to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
 tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

 About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
 candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

 "Oh, he died," the  boy said.

 The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
 sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
 use that detergent on your dog."

 "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
 that killed him."

 "Oh?  What was it then?"

 "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Top
Subj:     A Dog Named Skidboot (S509d, S780)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/19/2006 and 12/26/2011
 Source1: http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Sk.html
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/P2BfzUIBy9A

 The amazing Skidboot is the smartest dog you'll ever see.
 He gained worldwide fame with his tricks.  After winning
 the Pet Star's National Competition, and appearing on Leno,
 Letterman, and Oprah, he had to give up performing once
 he started going blind.  Click 'HERE' to see the most
 amazing dog ever.

Top
Subj:     Mass For A Dead Dog
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #77 on 98-03-27

 A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
 with a pet dog he doted on.  The dog finally died and Muldoon
 went to the parish priest and asked,  "Father, the dog is dead.
 Could you  be saying a mass for the creature?"

 Father Patrick replied,  "No, we cannot have services for an
 animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
 the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
 something for the animal."

 Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is
 enough to donate for the service?"

 Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
 Catholic?"

Top
Subj:     Dog Goes To The Butcher Shop (S181)
         From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day for 04 Feb 98
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/20/00

 A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around
 his neck.  He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there
 until it's his turn to be waited on.

 A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
 and noticed the dog.  The butcher leaned over the counter and
 asked the dog what it wanted today.  The dog put its paw on the
 glass case in front of  the ground beef, and the butcher said,
 "How many pounds?"  The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a
 package of two pounds ground beef.  He then said, "Anything else?"
 The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How
 many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a
 package of four pork chops.

 The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher
 could get at the purse.  The butcher took out the appropriate
 amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's
 neck.

 The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow
 the dog.  It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a
 house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.  As the
 owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a
 really smart dog you have there."

 The owner said, "He's not really all that smart.  This is the
 second time this week he forgot his key."

Top
Subj:     Cartoon - The Grim Sweeper (S386)
          From: cookpat on 6/21/2004
      and From: Doctor Fun Comics
.
.........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Sick Dog Goes To Vet (S107, S659b)
          From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-08
      and From: ginafm on 8/24/2009

 A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming
 for help.  The vet rushes him back to an examination room
 and has him put his dog down on the examination table.  The
 vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
 tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

 The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
 demands a second opinion.  The vet goes into the back room
 and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the
 dog's body.  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail
 poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the
 vet and meows.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry,
 but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

 The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
 The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body,
 walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
 The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab
 thinks your dog is dead too."

 The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
 asks how much he owes.  The vet answers, "$650."

 "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

 "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for
 my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 was for the cat scan
 and lab tests."

Top
Subj:     Who's Dog Is Better (S148, S483b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/30/1999
      and From: flovilla on 4/23/2006

 Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.  One
 was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third
 was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

 To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do
 your stuff!"  T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some
 paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and
 triangle.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.  But, the accountant
 said his dog could do better.  He called to his dog and said,
 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the
 kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.  He then divided
 them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

 Everyone agreed that was good.  But the chemist said his dog
 could do better.  He called to his dog and said, "Measure,
 do your stuff."  Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
 took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cup-
 board and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.  The three men
 turned to the government worker and said, "What can your
 dog do?"  The government worker called to his dog and said,
 "Coffee Break, do your stuff."  Coffee Break jumped to his
 feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the
 paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured
 his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
 working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and
 then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

 They ALL agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!

Top
Subj:     Lost Puppy (S476b in Fat)
          From: darrell94590 on 2/28/2006
.
 Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua.  Your help would be
 greatly appreciated.  You can view the particulars bu
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Dog Named MyPenis (S317b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/21/2003

 Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if
 your dog's name was 'Mypenis'?

 Mypenis ate my homework.

 Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

 I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep
 Mypenis  on a leash.

 I love giving Mypenis a bath.

 Mypenis needs to get more exercise.
 He weighs over fifty pounds.

 Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

 Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

 I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

 Help! I can't find Mypenis!

 Sorry to be driving so slow, officer,
 but I was looking for Mypenis.

 Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

 Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

 Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

 When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

 Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

Top
Subj:     A Dog Named Sex (S100, S800)
          From: ossama on 98-12-31
      and From: ginafm on 9/9/2007 and 5/10/2012
.
..
.
 Everybody has a dog called Rover or Boy. I call my dog "Sex".
 When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I
 wanted a licence for Sex.  He said "I'd like one too."

 I said "This is a dog."  He said he didn't care what she
 looked like.  I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since
 I was nine years old."  He said "You must have been quite a
 kid."

 When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I
 would like to have Sex at the wedding.  He told me to wait
 until after the wedding was over.  I said, "But Sex has
 played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
 around Sex."  He said he didn't want to hear about my
 personal life and would not marry us in his church.  I told
 him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.  The
 next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.  My
 family is barred from the church from then on.

 When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
 with me.  I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
 wife, me and a special room for Sex.  He said that every room
 in the place was for sex.  I said, "You don't understand Sex
 keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said "Me too."

 One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
 began, the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I
 was just standing there looking around.  I told him I had
 planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me that I should
 have sold my own tickets.  "But you don't understand," I said.
 I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.

 When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for
 custody of the dog.  I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I
 was married."  The judge said "Me too."  Then I told him that
 after I was married Sex left.  He said "Me too."

 Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around
 town for him.  A cop came over to me and asked "What are you
 doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"  I said I'm
 looking for Sex.  My case comes up Friday.

 Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more
 damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.  Why just the
 other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist,
 she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"  I replied, "Sex
 has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for
 ever.  I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor
 said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's
 best friend so get yourself a dog."

Top
Subj:     Talking Dog For Sale (S294b, S681b)
          From: gattica30 on 4/28/2006
      and From: ginafm on 1/26/2010

 This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for
 Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
 is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and
 sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?", he asks.

 "Yep," the mutt replies.

 "So, what's your story?"

 The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift
 pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I
 told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
 jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
 spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would
 be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies
 eight years running.  The jetting around really tired me
 out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted
 to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport
 to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
 near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered
 some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
 medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
 retired."

 The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner
 what he wants for the dog.

 The owner says "Ten dollars."

 The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog
 is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him?"

 The owner replies, "He's such a liar.  He never did any
 of that shit."

Top
Subj:     U.S. Mail Vs Dogs (S675d in Mailman)
          From: Wimp.com on 12/17/2009
          At: http://www.wimp.com/emailinvented/

 Click 'HERE' to see this very, cute video done with
 Christmas music.

Top
Subj:     Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar
          From: THE GAG ROOM on 03/16/97

 A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the
 dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that
 he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

 The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at
 the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building
 which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

 The dog answers "ROOF."

 Guy asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"

 Dog says, "Rough!"

 The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

 The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll
 ask him something else".

 The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and
 asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

 The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

 With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them
 out the door.  As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks
 at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

Top
Subj:     Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar II (S313)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/28/2003

 A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes
 a seat at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next
 to him.  "Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender.
 Then he turns to his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

 "You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like
 mine very cold, please."

 The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard.
 "A talking dog?" he asks.

 "Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing
 special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just
 started talking."

 "What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender
 thinks to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give
 you $50 for him."

 "No," says the ventriloquist.  "The little fellow loves me
 very much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

 "I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

 "No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

 "OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

 The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says,
 "OK, he's yours."

 The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to
 the ventriloquist.  In the door, the ventriloquist turns to
 the dog and says with great sadness in his voice, "So long,
 old friend."

 "Old friend, my foot!" the dog says.  "Is this the way humans
 pay for love and fidelity?  I'll never say another word!"

 With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.

Top
Subj:     Two Dogs Stuck Mating (S779)
          From: darrelldre on 12/13/2011

 A dog lover whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to
 look after her neighbor's male dog and house while they
 were away on vacation.  She had a large house and believed
 that she could keep the dogs apart.

 However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful
 howling and moaning sounds.  She rushed downstairs and found
 the dogs locked together and unable to disengage as frequently
 happens when dogs mate.

 She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late,
 she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up
 the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.  I will then
 call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
 lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

 "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me,"  he replied.

Top
Subj:     Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S887d)
          By Brian Crane on 01/05/2014
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2014/01/05
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Top
Subj:     Two Dogs Talking
          From: Playboy February 1997

 Two dogs were walking through the park when one told the
 other that his humans had thrown him out of the house.

 "What for?" his companion asked.

 "For pissing on the rug."

 "Big deal.  They piss in your water bowl, don't they?"

Top
Subj:     Dog Pulls A Wagon

 These two kids are sitting in a wagon pulled by their dog.
 A policeman happens by and sees this, and comes over to
 talk to the kids.  He says, "You can't make your dog pull
 you in the wagon.  That's cruelty to animals."

 Then he looks a little closer at the dog and sees that it
 has a piece of string wrapped around its balls, and that
 one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end.  "Hey,
 you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says.
 "That's not humane."

 One of the little kids leans over to his friend, "What are
 testicles?"

 "Dunno.  I think he's talking about the passing gear!"

Top
Subj:     A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant (S167, S543c)
          From: thebartend on 4/13/00
      and From: rfslick on 6/14/2007

 2 guys are out walking their dogs on a Sunday afternoon.  After
 a while Tom says to Dave "wouldn't a beer taste good right about
 now?"  To which, of course, Dave responds, "Yeah, it would be
 good, but we've got the dogs with us"

 Tom thinks for a minute and says "Follow me".  He puts on his
 sunglasses  and walks into the bar.  The bartender stops him
 and says "Hey pal, you can't come in here with that dog!"

 Tom replies "This is my seeing eye dog!"  The bartender says "A
 Doberman?!"  Tom says "Yeah, they're great---they protect you
 and help you get around"

 The bartender tells him to sit down And relax.  Dave follows
 Tom in with his sunglasses on.

 The bartender stops him "Hey pal, you can't bring your dog in
 here"

 Dave replies "This is my seeing eye dog."  The bartender says "A
 chihuahua?!!" and starts laughing.

 Dave replied "Oh man, they gave me a friggin' chihuahua?!!"

Top
Subj:     Aussie Beer Commercial (S650d)
          From: tom on 6/18/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/JbjkeCkGbXo

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute Australian beer ad.

Top
Subj:     'Beware Of Dog' Sign
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-22

 Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed
 a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass
 door.  Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
 the floor besides the cash register.  He asked the store
 manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

 "Yep, that's him," he replied.

 The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
 doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world
 would you post that sign?"

 "Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,
 people kept tripping over him."

Top
Subj:     Two Farmers And A Dog Who Can Count
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03

 Two farmers are shooting the shit out in the fields.  The
 first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count.
 The second farmer, not believing this, says, "Prove it."

 So the first farmer says, "Ok Rex, go count the ducks in
 the pond."  So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute
 later and barks four times.  The first farmer says, "Four
 ducks in the pond."

 So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough,
 four ducks are in the pond.  He goes back to the fields and
 says, "That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!"

 The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy."
 So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he
 barks ten times.  The second farmer goes back down to the
 pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks.

 "Shit!" said the farmer.  However, he still was not convinced.
 So, he goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more
 time."  So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond.

 Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously fuck the
 first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick
 and begins shaking it like hell.  The second farmer gloats,
 "See, that fuckin dog can't count.  He's gone fuckin mad!!"

 The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him.
 He's saying, "There are more fucking ducks down there than
 you can shake a stick at!"

Top
Subj:     How To Draw A Dog (S453)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/18/2005
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 You can learn how to draw a dog by clicking 'HERE'.

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...........................From Smiley_Central.
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