(Includes 28 jokes and articles, 21841,11,cf,md4,3)
Dog and Fly from
AGAG Animation Gallery
Also see ACCIDENT2
w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in NonJokes
ASCII ART I - 'Dog'
BALLS file - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
BAR_ANIMALS - 'Three Dogs In A Bar'
......................- 'Man Discusses Dead Dog At Bar'
......................- 'Dog Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey'
BAR2 file - 'Blowing Chunks'
BATHROOM-SUPP- 'St. Bernard's Boy's Bathroom'
.........BEER-SUPP - 'Bud Light And Fergus The Dog'
BIRD-PARROTS - 'Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar'
BIRD-DUCKS - 'The Duck And The Dog'
......................- 'Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting'
BIG CATS file- 'The Dog And The Leopard'
BUTCHER file - 'Butcher Sees Lawyer About A Dog'
CARS2 file - 'An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace'
CAT2 file - 'The Difference Between Dogs And Cats'
CLINTON file - 'The President And The Puppies'
......................- 'Bill Gets A Dog'
COMPUTERS1 - 'Dogs On Line - Cartoon'
COWS-SHEEP - 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
DATING1 file - 'Personal Ad'
DATING3 file - 'Asking Your Date To Marry You'
EAST EUROPEAN- 'Ukraine Politician Walks Dog'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Mother Goose On Grandfathers'
ENGINEER1 - 'When An Engineer Owns A Dog' - Movie
ENGLSHMAN-SUP- 'Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding' - Movie
FACTS4 file - 'Bondage Game And Their Dog, Rudy'
FART file - 'Farting Dog Harmonics'
FIREMEN file - 'The Little Fireman'
......................- 'Fire Truck w/Dog Passes Van w/Kids'
......................- 'Why Dalmatians Are Firehouse Mascots'
FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'Purina Diet'
FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'The Best Pepsi Commercial Ever'
FUNERAL file - 'The Funeral Line'
.........GOD2 file - 'God Created Donkeys, Dogs, Monkeys, And Men'
GOLF1 file - 'Golf Pro Teaches Sweet Young Thing'
HANDICAPPED - 'Blind Man And His Dog In A Store'
HALLOWEEN - '30 Halloween Costumes On Pets'
HALLOWEEN SUP- 'Dogs And Their Pumpkins'
HEADLINES/ADS- 'Pepsi Commercial - Just Lunch'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Dogs And Heaven'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Two Similar Patients'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Emergency Room Stories'
HOTEL file - 'Bringing Your Dog To A Hotel'
HOWTO file - 'How To Make A Balloon Puppy'
HUNTING file - 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex'
JEWISH2 file - 'Dog Goes To Jewish Service'
KIDS4 file - 'Little Things Are Cute'
KIDS5 file - 'The Babysitter' - PPS
......................- 'Baby Picture - Learning To Walk'
LETTERS2 file- 'Dog And Cat Diaries'
LOVE file - 'Forbidden Love'
......................- 'Forbidden Love II'
LOVE-SUPP - 'Do you Remember Love'
MAILMAN-ETC - 'Doggie Heaven'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Whyatt Cartoons'
MENQUESTIONS - 'Who Needs A Man'
MONKEY file - 'Gorilla In A Tree'
MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing Your Trumpet In A Movie'
NEW_YORKER - 'New York Pointer'
NUNS1 file - 'Two Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Animals Rescue People'
......................- 'Best Friends'
......................- 'Dangers Of Being A Flasher'
OTHER_ANIM-SU- 'What Pets Do When We're At Work'
PHONE file - 'Elderly Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring'
PIG file - 'Blind Dog Meets Blind Pig'
PILOT file - 'Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane'
PLANE2 file - 'Police Dog On A Commercial Flight'
POLICE1 file - 'K-9 Unit Responds To Burglary'
......................- 'Demonstration Of Police Dog Work'
POLICE2 file - 'K-9 Unit And The Kid'
PREACHER file- 'Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing'
PREGNANY file- 'Pregnant Lady Shot Three Times'
PSYCHOLOGIST - 'A Kid, A Dog, And A Psychologist'
RELIGION1 - 'And We Pray'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Presents For The Teacher'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating'
SEX2 file - 'Sex Doggy Style II'
SEX3 file - 'Sex Doggy Style'
SHIT file - 'Calvin Obeys Mom'
SOUTHERNER - 'Man Saves Boy And Kills Dog'
STRANDED file- 'Man Stranded With His Dog'
THOUGHTS-LRN1- 'The GIF - Dog On The Highway'
THOUGHTS-Slly- 'If You Can...'
THO-WARM-SUPP- 'A Little Boy, A Dog, and A Puddle' - Movie
Y_A_F-SUPP - 'How Hot Is It In Texas'
DOG1 and DOG3 file contains jokes
DOG2 file contains oddities
|Subj: Conan O'Brien's
Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog
I am starting to gather video clips
|Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog, At The Tonys|
|Triumph Gives The Hawaii Weather Report|
One day, a father and his son
were walking in the woods on
their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating
in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked
the small child, staring
intently at the scene before them.
"They, um, they're making a puppy"
said the boy's father,
as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few
nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his
bed to go to the bathroom.
As he walked by his parents'
room, he heard strange noises
coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to
see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange
way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both
mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for
the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and
hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom,
Dad?" asked the little boy, who
still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were,
well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe
a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now
confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking
hard for a minute.
"Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her
over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
Subj: Grandma Explains Dogs Mating (S282)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10
and From: dogbyte on 6/23/2002
A little girl was out with her
Grandmother when they came
across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed,
so she said, "The dog on
top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't
they Grandma?" said the
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand,"
said the little girl, "and
they screw you everytime!"
U.S. Mail Vs Dogs (S675 in Mailman)
From: Wimp.com on 12/17/2009
Click on the above source, or
for my copy, to see
this very, cute video done with Christmas music.
Subj: God Created Cats And Dogs (S116, S602c)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004
and From: darrellvip on 7/25/2008
It is reported that the following
edition of the Book of
Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic,
it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I
was in the garden, you walked
with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lone-
some here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
And God said, "No problem! I
will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish
and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal
to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased
to be with Adam and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem!
Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will
be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was
a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog
was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass
that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled
with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he
believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem!
I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's
eyes, he was reminded that
he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Subj: Three Dogs At The Vets (S159, S806)
From: icohen on 02/15/2000
and From: AFine963 on 6/20/2012
(See 'Woman Complains To Vet About Dog' in Dog3)
Three dogs - a Great Dane, a
Boxer, and a Labrador - are
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they
strike up a conversation. The Great Dane turns to the
Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser.
I piss on everything -
the sofa, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was
last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Great Dane says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Great Dane then turns to
the Labrador and asks, "Why
are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger.
I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the
line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
"So, what are they going to do
to you?" the Great Dane
"Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.
The Labrador then turns to the
Great Dane and asks what
he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Great Dane
says. "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday,
my owner, a beautiful runway model, had just gotten out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and
I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and
started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange
a sad glance and ask, "So,
lethal injection for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Subj: Cartoon - The Grim Sweeper (S386)
From: cookpat on 6/21/2004
and From: Doctor Fun Comics
Subj: Dog Applies For Job (S287b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #105 on 98-04-30
and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/29/2002
A local business was looking
for office help. They put a
sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog
trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at
it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist
got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to
say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he
lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the
chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire
you. The sign says you have
to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the type-
writer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took
out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to
him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but
then told the dog "the sign
says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped
down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly
the first time.
By this time the manager was
totally dumb-founded! He
looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. How-
ever, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went
to a copy of the sign and put
his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign
*also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Subj: Dog Has Bath With Detergent (S66)
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A young boy, about eight years
old, was at the corner "Mom
and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said,
"I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped
and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was
back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be
an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't
think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
A Dog Named Skidboot (S509d, S780)
on 10/19/2006 and 12/26/2011
The amazing Skidboot is the smartest
dog you'll ever see.
He gained worldwide fame with his tricks. After winning
the Pet Star's National Competition, and appearing on Leno,
Letterman, and Oprah, he had to give up performing once
he started going blind. Click on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see the most amazing dog ever.
Subj: Mass For A Dead Dog
From: humorlist-digest V2 #77 on 98-03-27
A farmer named Muldoon lived
alone in the Irish countryside
with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"No, we cannot have services for an
animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now.
Do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't
you tell me the dog was
Subj: Dog Goes To The Butcher Shop (S181)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day for 04 Feb 98
and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/20/00
A dog walks into a butcher shop
with a purse strapped around
his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there
until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the
butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and
asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the
glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said,
"How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a
package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How
many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a
package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind
the counter, so the butcher
could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate
amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's
The man, who had been watching
all of this, decided to follow
the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a
house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the
owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really
all that smart. This is the
second time this week he forgot his key."
Subj: Sick Dog Goes To Vet (S107, S659b)
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-08
and From: ginafm on 8/24/2009
A man runs into the vet's office
carrying his dog, screaming
for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room
and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The
vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room
and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the
dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail
poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the
vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry,
but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to
accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab
thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to
the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would
only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."
Subj: Who's Dog Is Better (S148, S483b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/30/1999
and From: flovilla on 4/23/2006
Four men were bragging about
how smart their dogs were. One
was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third
was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called
to his dog, "T-Square" do
your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some
paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and
Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart. But, the accountant
said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog
could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure,
do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cup-
board and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty
impressive. The three men
turned to the government worker and said, "What can your
dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his
feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the
paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and
then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They ALL agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!
Lost Puppy (S476b in Fat)
Subj: Dog Named MyPenis (S317b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/21/2003
Did you ever stop to wonder what
would happen if
your dog's name was 'Mypenis'?
Mypenis ate my homework.
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't
realize I had to keep
Mypenis on a leash.
I love giving Mypenis a bath.
Mypenis needs to get more exercise.
He weighs over fifty pounds.
Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
Help! I can't find Mypenis!
Sorry to be driving so slow,
but I was looking for Mypenis.
Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
Subj: A Dog Named Sex (S100, S800)
From: ossama on 98-12-31
and From: ginafm on 9/9/2007 and 5/10/2012
Everybody has a dog called Rover
or Boy. I call my dog "Sex".
When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I
wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too."
I said "This is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she
looked like. I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since
I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a
When I decided to get married,
I told the minister that I
would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait
until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told
him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The
next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My
family is barred from the church from then on.
When I got married and went on
my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room
in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest,
but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I
was just standing there looking around. I told him I had
planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should
have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said.
I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.
When my wife and I seperated,
we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that
after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you
doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm
looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Well now I've been thrown in
jail, been divorced and had more
damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the
other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist,
she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex
has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for
ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor
said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's
best friend so get yourself a dog."
Subj: Talking Dog For Sale (S294b, S681b)
From: gattica30 on 4/28/2006
and From: ginafm on 1/26/2010
This guy sees a sign in front
of a house, "Talking Dog for
Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and
sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?", he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well,
I discovered this gift
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I
told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted
to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
The guy is amazed. He goes
back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but
asks the owner, "This dog
is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such
a liar. He never did any
of that shit."
Subj: Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar
From: THE GAG ROOM on 03/16/97
A guy walks into a bar with a
dog under his arm, puts the
dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that
he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the
bet and the owner looks at
the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building
which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
Guy asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog says, "Rough!"
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about
double or nothing and I'll
ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the
owner turns to the dog and
asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks
them both up and throws them
out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks
at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Subj: Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar II (S313)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/28/2003
A ventriloquist goes into a tavern
in a small town, takes
a seat at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next
to him. "Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender.
Then he turns to his dog and asks, "What would you like?"
"You can bring me the same,"
the dog says. "And I'd like
mine very cold, please."
The bartender can hardly believe
what he has just heard.
"A talking dog?" he asks.
"Yes," the ventriloquist says,
acting as if it's nothing
special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just
"What a boon that would be to
my business," the bartender
thinks to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give
you $50 for him."
"No," says the ventriloquist.
"The little fellow loves me
very much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."
"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.
"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."
"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.
The ventriloquist gives it some
thought and finally says,
"OK, he's yours."
The bartender gets the money
from his safe and hands it to
the ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to
the dog and says with great sadness in his voice, "So long,
"Old friend, my foot!" the dog
says. "Is this the way humans
pay for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"
With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.
Subj: Two Dogs Stuck Mating (S779)
From: darrelldre on 12/13/2011
A dog lover whose dog was a female
and in heat, agreed to
look after her neighbor's male dog and house while they
were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed
that she could keep the dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting
off to sleep, she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found
the dogs locked together and unable to disengage as frequently
happens when dogs mate.
She was unable to separate them,
and even though it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem
to him, the vet said, "Hang up
the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied.
Subj: Two Dogs Talking
From: Playboy February 1997
Two dogs were walking through
the park when one told the
other that his humans had thrown him out of the house.
"What for?" his companion asked.
"For pissing on the rug."
"Big deal. They piss in your water bowl, don't they?"
Subj: Dog Pulls A Wagon
These two kids are sitting in
a wagon pulled by their dog.
A policeman happens by and sees this, and comes over to
talk to the kids. He says, "You can't make your dog pull
you in the wagon. That's cruelty to animals."
Then he looks a little closer
at the dog and sees that it
has a piece of string wrapped around its balls, and that
one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end. "Hey,
you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says.
"That's not humane."
One of the little kids leans
over to his friend, "What are
"Dunno. I think he's talking about the passing gear!"
Subj: Wife In Bed With Best Friend
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
Bartender looks down to the end
of the bar and sees a guy
with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a
half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"
The Guy: "Yeah,... I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Guy: "I kicked her out of
the house, sent her packing,
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic,
what did you do to
your best friend?"
The Guy: "I sat him down... tied
him up... looked him straight
in the eye... and said...Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"
Subj: A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant (S167, S543c)
From: thebartend on 4/13/00
and From: rfslick on 6/14/2007
2 guys are out walking their
dogs on a Sunday afternoon. After
a while Tom says to Dave "wouldn't a beer taste good right about
now?" To which, of course, Dave responds, "Yeah, it would be
good, but we've got the dogs with us"
Tom thinks for a minute and says
"Follow me". He puts on his
sunglasses and walks into the bar. The bartender stops him
and says "Hey pal, you can't come in here with that dog!"
Tom replies "This is my seeing
eye dog!" The bartender says "A
Doberman?!" Tom says "Yeah, they're great---they protect you
and help you get around"
The bartender tells him to sit
down And relax. Dave follows
Tom in with his sunglasses on.
The bartender stops him "Hey
pal, you can't bring your dog in
Dave replies "This is my seeing
eye dog." The bartender says "A
chihuahua?!!" and starts laughing.
Dave replied "Oh man, they gave me a friggin' chihuahua?!!"
Aussie Beer Commercial (S650d)
From: tom on 6/18/2009
Click 'HERE' to see this cute Australian beer ad.
Subj: Police Dog Applies For FBI
Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94
A police dog responds to an ad
for work with the FBI. "Well,"
says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict
requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per
minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out
80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must
pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen
finishes the course in record
time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues;
"you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at
him and says, "Meow!"
Subj: 'Beware Of Dog' Sign
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-22
Upon entering the little country
store, the stranger noticed
a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass
door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store
manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but
be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied,
"before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."
Subj: Dog Brings Home A Rabbit (S42)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 21 Oct 97
The old lady who lived next door
to my grandmother was a
known lush around town and liked to call the police if my
granny's dog was loose. One rainy day granny and I were
sitting on the porch watching the rain and waiting for the
dog to finish his "business". When he didn't come when she
called, my granny started to get worried that he had gotten
off into Nellie's yard. He soon came back with what at first
looked like a stuffed animal. "Oh my God" Granny cried, "He
is gotten into Nellie's rabbit cage and has killed her rabbit.
My grandmother washed off the mud from the lifeless rabbit
and got out her blow dryer. "What are you doing?" I asked
her. "I'm going to put this rabbit back in the cage before
Nellie gets home."
A few hours later, as I was about
to leave, the police arrived
and Nellie was screaming something about her rabbit. I walked
over to the policeman and asked him what was going on as my
grandmother peered from inside the house. "Old Nellie has
really lost it this time. She thinks that the rabbit she
buried yesterday somehow crawled back into its cage."
Subj: Two Farmers And A Dog Who Can Count
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03
Two farmers are shooting the
shit out in the fields. The
first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count.
The second farmer, not believing this, says, "Prove it."
So the first farmer says, "Ok
Rex, go count the ducks in
the pond." So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute
later and barks four times. The first farmer says, "Four
ducks in the pond."
So the second farmer walks over
to the pond and sure enough,
four ducks are in the pond. He goes back to the fields and
says, "That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!"
The first farmer looks at Rex
and says, "do it again boy."
So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he
barks ten times. The second farmer goes back down to the
pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks.
"Shit!" said the farmer.
However, he still was not convinced.
So, he goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more
time." So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond.
Moments later, Rex returns and
begins to vigorously fuck the
first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick
and begins shaking it like hell. The second farmer gloats,
"See, that fuckin dog can't count. He's gone fuckin mad!!"
The first farmer says, "No, No,
you don't understand him.
He's saying, "There are more fucking ducks down there than
you can shake a stick at!"
How To Draw A Dog (S453)
You can learn how to draw a dog on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
............................Smiley and dog from Smiley_Central.