Subj: Dog3 Jokes
(Includes 165 jokes and articles, 17849,19,cf)
Dog Pees from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: Dog3 Jokes (Includes 165 jokes and articles, 17849,19,cf) |
|
Dog Pees from Accent on Animation |
DOG1 & DOG3 file contains jokes
DOG2 file contains oddities
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| Subj:
Simon Says (S505)
From: auntiegah on 9/25/2006 |
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This 3,400 KB movie is too funny
to pass up. You
can enjoy it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Old
Dog Comes By For A Nap (S400b, S719)
From: DafterLafter on 9/15/2004
and
From: gattica30 on 1/18/2010
One afternoon, a woman was in
her back yard hanging the
laundry when an old, tired-looking
dog wandered into the
yard. The woman could tell from
the dog's collar and
well-fed belly that he had a
home. But when she walked into
the house, the dog followed
her, sauntered down the hall
and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the
door, and the woman let him
out.
The next day the dog was back.
He resumed his position in
the hallway and slept for an
hour. This continued for
several weeks.
Curious, the woman pinned a note
to his collar: "Every
afternoon, your dog comes to
my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with
a different note pinned to his
collar: "We have ten children.
He's trying to catch up on
his sleep."
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Subj: Fido
Goes To College (S260b, S547b)
From: dogbyte on 1/23/2002
and
From: rfslick on 7/2/2007
A young boy goes off to college,
but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly
squandered what money his
parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am
I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. "Dad,"
he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education
are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program
here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!"
his father says. "How do I
get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with
$1000," the boy says, "I'll
get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog
and the $1000. About 2/3 way
through the semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls
his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up
a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this - they've
had such good results
with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to
teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No
kidding! What do I have to
do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the
boy has a problem. When he
gets home, his father will find
out that the dog can neither
talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he gets home,
his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't
wait to hear him talk and
listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have
some grim news. This morning,
when I got out of the shower,
Fido was in the living room
kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper,
like he usually does.
He turned to me and asked, 'So, is
your daddy still messin' around
with that little redhead
who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, shit; I
hope you SHOT that lyin' son
of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
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Subj:
Bonerol (S535)
From: rfslick on 4/21/2007 |
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Subj: High
Paid Dog Catcher (S237b)
From: bonehead on 8/13/2001
Residents of San Mateo County
in California are snapping
and snarling now that they've
learned that the new ''top
dog'' dogcatcher at the Humane
Society, which is funded by
the government, will be offered
a pay package worth a
quarter million dollars a year!
Yes, a yearly compensation
package, for the chief dogcatcher,
worth $250,000 a year!
It includes a yearly salary
of $180,000, a $50,000 per year
housing allowance and a $15,000
per year auto allowance and
all the other usual benefits.
This is more than Governor Gray
Davis earns and more than
San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown
earns.
San Francisco Chronicle 28-Jul-01
http://www.sfgate.com
/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2001/07/29/MN211164.DTL
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Subj: USA
And Russia In A Dog Fight (S172, S374b)
From: collins2 on 5/18/00
and
From: DoctorDebt on 3/26/2004
The Americans and Russians at
the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued
in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed
the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's
dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and
bred them with the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and
strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which
gave him all the milk.
After five years came up with the
biggest meanest dog the world
had ever seen. Its cage needed
steel bars that were five inches
thick and nobody could get
near it.
When the day came for the dog
fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal.
It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over
towards the Russian dog. The
Russian dog snarled and leaped
out of it's cage and charged
the American dachshund.
But, when it got close enough to bite
the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and
consumed the Russian dog in
one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans
shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand
how this could have happened.
We had our best people working
for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American
replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for
five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund."
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| Subj:
If Dogs Could Talk To God (S212, S606)
From: tadams96 on 2/23/2001 and From: rfslick on 8/13/2008 |
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Subj: Dog
Haiku (S119)
From: smiles on 5/15/99
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill
us all-
Look! Look! Look!
Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill
us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look!
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle
me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss
- well,
Maybe catching cats
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the little box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why
Because it's there. Because
it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their feet.
I fart a big one.
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Subj: Quotations
About Dogs (S68, S371)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/5/2004
Don't accept your dog's admiration
as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.
-- Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in heaven,
then when I die I want
to go where they went.
-- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 5/18/2004 (S381b)
What was the motto of Will Rogers'
dog?
I never met a man I didn't lick.
There is no psychiatrist in the
world like a puppy
licking your face. --
Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth
that loves you more
than he loves himself.
-- Josh Billings
We give dogs time we can spare,
space we can spare and love
we can spare. And in return,
dogs give us their all. It's
the best deal man has ever made.
-- M.Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite
their enemies, quite
unlike people, who are incapable
of pure love and always
have to mix love and hate.
-- Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think
poodles are members of a
weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity,
perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying
down. -- Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what
soap tastes like never
washed a dog. Franklin
P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality,
it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to
heaven, and very, very few
persons. -- James Thurber
My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to
99 cents a can. That's
almost $7.00 in dog money.
-- Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what they must
think of us? I mean, here we
come back from a grocery store
with the most amazing haul-
chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest
hunters on earth!
-- Anne Tyler (Laugh Out Loud)
Women and cats will do as they
please and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean
Doberman.
-- Dave Miliman
Dogs are not our whole life,
but they make our lives whole.
-- Roger Caras
From: igiggle on 5/24/2006 (S487b)
If you don't own a dog, at least
one, there is not
necessarily anything wrong with
you, but there may
be something wrong with your
life. -- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count,
try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and
then giving Fido only two
of them. -- Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good
of a person my dog
already thinks I am. --
Unknown
Outside of a dog, books are a
man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read. -- Groucho Marx
I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't
got the guts to bite people
themselves. -- August Strindberg
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. -- Unknown
When it all boils down to the
essence of truth one must live by a
dog's rule of life: if you can't
eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog
and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference
between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favour. If it
went by merit, you would stay
out and your dog would go in."
-- Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog
in the fight, it's the size
of the fight in the dog."
-- Mark Twain
From: igiggle on 6/27/2006 (S492b)
The dog is a gentleman; I hope
to go to his heaven, not man's.
-- Mark Twain
For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.
Cat - The other white meat. -- Unknown
Whatdaya call a cow with two
legs? Lean Beef.
Whatdaya call a cow with no
legs? Ground Beef.
Whatdaya call a dog with no
legs?
Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna
come anyway...
-- John Braden
What do you do with a dog that
has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
-- Kathy Nicol
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.... -- Unknown
Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man. -- Unknown
From: ossama on 98-05-05
Did you ever walk into a room
and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend
their lives. -- Sue Murphy
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Whoever said you can't buy happiness
forgot about little
puppies. -- Gene Hill
In dog years I'm dead -- Unknown
I wonder what goes through his
mind when he sees us peeing
in his water bowl. -- Penny
Ward Moser
The dog's kennel is not the
place to keep a sausage.
-- Danish Proverb
To his dog, every man is Napoleon;
hence the constant
popularity of dogs. -- Aldous
Huxley
Did you hear about the dyslexic
agnostic insomniac who stays
up all night wondering if there
really is a Dog? -- Unknown
Some days you're the dog, some
days you're the hydrant.
-- Unknown
You enter into a certain amount
of madness when you marry
a person with pets. --
Nora Ephron
In order to keep a true perspective
of one's importance,
everyone should have a dog that
will worship him and a cat
that will ignore him. -- Dereke
Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
When a man's best friend is his
dog, that dog has a problem.
-- Edward Abbey
Cat's Motto: No matter what you've
done wrong, always try to
make it look like the dog did
it. -- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good
dog, but it won't buy the
wag of his tail. -- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special
genius of your conversation
as the dog does. -- Christopher
Morley
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person.
-- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner,
your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love,
his leader. He will be yours,
faithful and true, to
the last beat of his heart. You
owe it to him to be worthy of
such devotion -- Unknown
I care not for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not
the better for it. --
Abraham Lincoln
If there are no dogs in Heaven,
then when I die I want to go
where they went. -- Unknown
Things that upset a terrier may
pass virtually unnoticed by
a Great Dane. -- Smiley
Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes,
a quickly vanishing look of
amazed contempt, and I am convinced
that basically dogs think
humans are nuts. -- John
Steinbeck
From: RFSlick on 98-09-27
No animal should ever jump up
on the dining room
furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold
his own in the conversation.
-- Fran Lebowitz
Of all the things I miss from
veterinary practice, puppy
breath is one of the most fond
memories! -- Dr. Tom Cat
From: RFSlick on 7/14/99
If your dog is fat, you aren't
getting enough exercise --Unknown
From: pethumor.com on 6/20/2002 (S181b)
No matter how little money and
how few possessions you own,
having a pet makes you rich.
-- Louis Sabin
The greatest love is a mother’s;
then a dog’s; then a
sweetheart’s. -- Polish
Proverb
Top
Subj: Quotations
About Dogs II (S294)
From: Puneet385 on 9/15/2002
A few weeks after my surgery,
I went out to play catch with
my golden retriever. When
I bent over to pick up the ball,
my prosthesis fell out.
The dog snatched it, and I found
myself chasing him down the
road yelling "Hey, come back
here with my breast!"
-- Linda Ellerbee
If you want to be liked, get
a dog. The people you work
with are not your friends.
-- Deborah Norville
The greatest pleasure of a dog
is that you may make a fool
of yourself with him, and not
only will he not scold you,
but he will make a fool of himself,
too. -- Samuel Butler
One reason the dog has so many
friends: He wags his tail
instead of his tongue.
-- Unknown
Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches
us a lesson in humanity
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
We named the DOG Indiana!
-- Henry Jones, Sr.
(Sean Connery) Indiana
Jones and the Last Crusade
cave canum.(beware of the dog)
-- Unknown
Beware of silent dogs and still
waters.
-- Portuguese Proverb
Never trust a dog to watch your
food.
-- Patrick age 10 Advice
from Kids
Dogs need to sniff the ground;
it's how they keep abreast
of current events. The
ground is a giant dog newspaper,
containing all kinds of late-breaking
dog new items, which,
if they are especially urgent,
are often continued in the
next yard. -- Dave Berry
"Dogs feel very strongly that
they should always go with
you in the car, in case the
need should arise for them
to bark violently at nothing
right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
From: mombear1 on 7/22/2001 (S234)
You can say any foolish thing
to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My
God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'
-- Dave Barry
Artists like cats, soldiers like
dogs.
-- Desmond Morris
Its easy to understand why the
cat has eclipsed the dog
as modern America's favorite
pet. People like pets to
possess the same qualities they
do. Cats are irresponsible
and recognize no authority,
yet are completely dependent on
others for their material needs.
Cats cannot be made to do
anything useful. Cats
are mean for the fun of it.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
I like pigs. Dogs look
up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
-- Sir Winston Churchill
Cats are smarter than dogs. You
can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through the snow.
-- Jeff Valdez
Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and
get back to you later.
-- Mary Bly
When the need arises - and it
does - you must be able to
shoot your own dog. --
Robert A. Heinlein
A dog has the soul of a philosopher. -- Plato
To a dog the whole world is a smell -- Unknown
Dogs wait for us faithfully -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
Asking a writer what he thinks
about criticism is like
asking a lamppost what it feels
about dogs.
-- John Osborne
From: igiggle on 5/7/2006 (S485b)
A dog, I will maintain, is a
very tolerable judge of beauty,
as appears from the fact that
any liberally educated dog does,
in a general way, prefer a woman
to a man. ~~Frances Thompson
From: igiggle on 5/8/2006 (S485b -
cloths)
Any man who does not like dogs
and want them about does not
deserve to be in the White House.
-- Calvin Coolidge
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/3/2006
(S511b - tho-learn2)
"Happiness is a warm puppy."
-- Charles Schulz
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Subj:
Quotations About Dogs III (S576)
From: AFine963 on 1/24/2008 |
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Subj: Short
Dog Jokes
| Subj:
Dog Vs. Porcupine (S535b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/17/2007 |
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Top
Subj: Three
Legged Dog Goes In A Bar (S216)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
A three-legged dog walks into
a bar, carrying a shotgun.
He walks up to the bar and says,
"Whisky."
Bartender looks at the three-legged
dog and says, "Sure,
but what's with the shotgun?"
The three-legged dog replies,
"I'm lookin' fer the guy
who shot my pa'."
 |
Subj:
The Dog And The Pool (S533)
From: edapsmas on 4/9/2007 |
Top
Subj: Saint
Bernard Dies Outside A Bar
From: DR SWITZER on 98-07-06
A man walked into a bar and
immediately called out, "Who is
the owner of that Saint Bernard
tied up outside?" A man
replied, "It's mine. Why do
you ask?"
The first man walked up to him
and said, "I'm sorry, but my
dog just killed your dog."
The owner of the Saint Bernard
was shocked, "Are you kidding
me?! That dog is huge!
He's bigger than my car!" The
first guy explained, "Well,
he choked on my Chihuahua.
| Subj:
Several Talking Dogs (S525c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/6/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Talking
To My Dog (S212)
From: flovilla on 2/22/2001
When I talk to my dog, it seems
like he can really understand
me....like we're interacting
on the same level, as if he were
almost human. Then he
eats cat poop out of the litter box
and screws up the whole illusion.
 |
Subj:
The Dog House (S516c)
From: gordonschuk on 11/28/06 |
Top
Subj: A Dog
Named Ben Hur (S237)
From: flovilla 8/11/2001
A little boy had a dog with
the name, "Ben Hur." Asked if
he had named him, he said, "Yeah.
He used to be just plain
old Ben, but he had puppies."
| Subj:
What Having A Dog Teaches (S509c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/23/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Litter
Of Puppies Get Shots (S242)
From: flovilla on 9/18/2001
A client brought a litter of
golden retriever puppies to
my veterinary clinic for inoculations
and worming. As
the look-alike pups squirmed
over and under one another
in their box, I realized it
would be difficult to tell
the treated ones from the rest.
So, I turned on the water faucet,
wet my fingers, and
moistened each dog's head when
I had finished. After
the fourth puppy, I noticed
my talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled
the last pup's head, the
woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they
had to be baptized, too."
 |
Subj:
A Good Idea (S489c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/1/2006 |
Top
Subj: Pee
Mail... (S292)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/5/2002
My wife and I were watching
a show on The Learning
Channel titled, "A Dog's World."
One segment focused on dogs practice
of urinating
everywhere to define who they
are and whose territory
it is, among many other things.
"Basically," the
narrator said, "dogs are leaving
each other messages."
I looked at my wife and said,
"So I guess we could call
it p-mail."
| Subj:
Dogs Made From Flowers (S479c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/24/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Lady
With Dog Leaves Movie (S294)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/15/2002
A man follows a woman out of
a movie theatre. She has a
dog on a leash. He stops
her and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I couldn't help
but notice that your dog
was really into the movie.
He cried at the right spots,
he moved nervously in his seat
at the boring parts, but
most of all, he laughed like
crazy at the funny parts.
Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found
it very unusual... because
he hated the book!"
 |
Subj:
Your Dog FiFi (S476b in Chicken)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/27/2006 |
| Subj:
You Know You're A Dog Person When...
From: igiggle (S462b) on 11/28/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Woman
Complains To Vet About Dog (S317)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/26/2003
(See 'Three Dogs At The Vets'
in Dog1)
A woman complained to her veterinarian
that her dog would
start humping her everytime
he came into the house. "Is
there anything you can do?"
she asked.
The doctor said, "Well, we could
castrate him, and then he
would no longer have a sex drive."
The woman replies, "That
seems awfully harsh. Couldn`t
you just clip his nails and
do something about his breath?"
 |
Subj:
The GIF - Dog Dreams (S419)
From: Buffalo's Jokes on 02/04/05 At: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1142.htm |
| Subj:
One Sick Dog - Cartoon (S419b)
From: Buffalo Jokes On 02/01/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: A Puppy
Named Life (S382b)
From: igiggle on 5/25/2004
Marta's old dog died and she
bought a new one. Because the
pup was so full of energy she
called him Life. Unfortunately,
Marta used her old dog's things
on the new one, and while she
was out walking the puppy, its
frayed leather strap snapped
and it ran away, never to return.
Moral: It pays to get a
new leash on life.
 |
Subj:
Doggy Dating (S400b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/23/2004 |
| Subj: Virtual
Dog (S380b)
From: igiggle on 5/6/2004 Adopt a dog that doesn't shed, pee on the |
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Top
Subj: Dog
Pee Problems (S326)
From: jerry on 4/27/2003
Derbyshire in the UK is spending
about $110,000 to check
the bases on about 100,000 streetlights
for damage caused
by dogs urinating on the polls.
In a neighboring town
one person died and another
was severely injured when
lampposts with rotted basis,
fell on them.
Ananova (UK) 12-Apr-03
Top
Subj: Comic
- Dog & Refrigerator (S372b)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/5/2004
 |
You can view
this picture as an animated GIF by clicking 'HERE' |
 |
Subj:
Picture - Dog and Towel (S304b)
From: pns on 11/26/2002 |
Click 'Here'
to see the picture
Top
Subj: Part
of: A
Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats
and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off
the roof -- hence the
saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
40 people are sent to the hospital
for dog bites every
minute
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border
collie; 2) Poodle;
3) Golden retriever.
Dumbest: Afghan hound.
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day
on 07/05/97
The Factory of the future will
have two employees,
a dog and a man.
The man will be there to feed
the dog,
the dog will be there to prevent
the man from touching
the machines...
Bawdy.Net Collage #26
My whole love life has been
ruined by dogs. When I was young,
I once asked my father about
sex. Embarrassed, and not one
to communicate much, he said
to go outside, keep my eyes open,
and watch the dogs do it. I
did, and my young, innocent psyche
was greatly shocked the first
time I saw it in my own back
yard. To this day, I remain
very anxious throughout any sex
I've ever attempted. Constantly
in fear that my mother will
squirt me with a garden hose.
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the
wrong tree.
Male friend of mine come over
my house only to see my
dog licking his balls, my friend
says, "Boy, I wish I
could do that" I says, "Go ahead,
but he bites."
Favorite line from the film, "Pricilla,
Queen of the Desert":
We call the dog Herpes; if you're
lucky, it heals.
We call our dog Egypt; because
in every room, he leaves a pyramid.
Did you ever walk into a room
and forget why you walked in?
I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
All dogs will eat cat excretions
due to its Vitamin D content.
From LAWS file.
In Ventura County, California,
cats and dogs are not allowed
to have sex without a permit.
In Temperance, MS, you can’t
walk a dog without dressing
it in diapers.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #206 on 97-09-25
A father gave his teen-age daughter
an untrained pedigreed
pup for her birthday.
An hour later, while wandering through
the house, he found her looking
at a puddle in the center of
the kitchen. "My pup,"
she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
BUMPER STICKER
Does the name Pavlov ring a
bell?
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
If you get to thinkin' you're
a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's
dog around.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14 (S124)
Some days you're the dog, some
days you're the hydrant.
From: pac_navigator on 98-11-23 (S95)
If your dog is barking at the
back door and your wife is
yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least
he'll shut up after
you let him in.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #312 on 10/10/1999
(S141)
A man was out walking a dog,
and a woman stopped to
admire the animal. "What's
your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes." replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/1/2001
(S218)
Ever notice when you blow in
a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window?
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/1/2001 (s227,
S231)
"I spilled spot remover on my
dog--now he's gone."
-- Steven Wright
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/23/2001
(S243)
"A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches
you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If
you spend $12.99 for the video,
your dog is smarter than
you." -- Jay Leno
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2002 (S260)
One reason why dogs have remained
a good friend for humans
is perhaps they wag their tail
and not their tongue.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/27/2002
(S264)
Unique excuse for not going
to work.
The dog ate my car keys. We're
going to hitchhike to the vet.
From: dogbyte on 3/18/2002 (S268c)
Remember: No tree is too big
for
a short dog to lift his leg
on!
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/16/2003 (SA329b)
Lord help me to be the person
my dog thinks I am.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
From: igiggle on 6/30/2006 (S493b)
If you don't want your dog to
have bad breath, do what I do:
pour a little Lavoris in the
toilet.
Q: What is meaner than a pit
bull with AIDS?
A: Whatever gave it AIDS.
Q: What is the difference between
a rottweiler
and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your
kids back from a rotweiler!
Q: What has four legs and an
arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy
who got
himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him
to get a long, little doggie.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: They both lose their bark
when they die.
Q: Where do dogs go when they
lose their tails?
A: The retail store.
Q: What did the veterinarian
say to the dog who
kept licking his
balls?
A: Thank you.
(S238)
Q: Where do you find a dog with
no legs?
A: Where you left it.
Q: What do you do with a dog
with no legs?
A: Take it out for a drag.
Q: What do you call a dog with
no legs?
A: Nothing. He won't come
when you call him, anyway.
Q: How do you make a dog go meow?
A: Freeze it solid in the freezer,
then take a chainsaw to it.
Q: What's a dyslexic agnostic
insomniac do?
A: Someone who lies awake at
night wondering whether
there is a dog.
Q: Why have dogs been banned
from the vatican?
A: Because they pee on Poles.
Q: How do you give a dog a bone?
A: Rub it in the right place.
Q: What do you call a dog with
no hind legs, and steel balls?
A: Sparky.
Q: What is the motto of the dyslexics
beastiality club?
A: In dog we thrust
Q: What is the noisiest tree
in the forest?
A: The dogwood tree because
it barks!
Q: What do you get when an athiest
marries a dislexic ?
A: Kids that don't believe in
dogs.
Q: What is the difference between
a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S62)
Q: If there is H2O on the inside
of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
A: K9P.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 on 98-04-15
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a blender.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
Q: WHAT GOES "MARC MARC"?
A: A dog with a harelip.
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-19
Q: Why don't blind people like
to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell
out of the dog.
Q: How does a blind man know
when to pull the rip cord?
A: The dog's leash goes slack.
From: Imogenelumen on 7/10/2003 (S337b)
Q: What makes men chase women
they have no
intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes
dogs chase cars
they have no intention
of driving.
From: DafterLafter on 10/27/2004 (S406b
- preacher)
Q: What do they call pastors
in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
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