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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #576
         Date: 2/17/2008
 

"He who laughs, lasts."
    -- Mary Pettibone Poole
 
 

The best jokes I receive each week are from you folks.
If you get a good joke please pass it on to me, I enjoy
a good laugh and it cut down the work.  If you don't get
you Sunday Laughs, or want a back issue, drop me a note.
 
 

Go to http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html
to read the great jokes you have sent me through the years.
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Subj:     Vince Mira Sings Ring Of Fire
          From: rfslick on 1/21/2008
Source: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2007/12/vince_mira_the_next_johnny_cas.php

 Discovered singing on a Seattle street, Vince Mira, 15, 
 is a somewhat shy kid who looks uncomfortable during a TV 
 interview.  But when he steps up to the microphone to sing 
 Johnny Cash's classic "Ring of Fire," the result is downright 
 spooky. You can listen to Vince at the above source.

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Subj:     Quotations About Dogs III
          From: AFine963 on 1/24/2008

 These quotes about dogs are done with pictures and music 
 in a PowerPoint Slide Show.  Click below to view it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/dog3.html#quotes

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Subj:     Two Faced Kitten
          From: WeWin.com on 1/22/2008
 Source: http://www.wewin.com/Two-Headed-Kitten.aspx

 You can see this short movie of a two-faced kitten at 
 the source above, or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/a_to_c/cats2-two_faced.html

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Subj:     Bathroom Time Monitored
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/10/2008
 Source: http://www.redtractor-usa.com/Bathroom_Time_Monitored.htm

 Companies monitor bathroom time with new electronic hand dryer. 
 You can read this amazing intrusion into our private lives at 
 the source above, or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/b-room/b-supp-monitor.html

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Subj:     Taking Your Child In The Stall
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/11/2008 

 My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.  He loves to 
 communicate and does it quite well.  He talks to people 
 constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery 
 store or at a drive-thru window.  People often comment on 
 how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old.  And 
 you never have to ask him to turn up the volume.  It's 
 always fully cranked. 

 Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? 
 Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! 

 Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? 

 Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!  Oh ... Mommy!  I'm trying 
 to see in dere. 

 Oh! I see dem.  Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.  You are 
 gonna get some candy! 

 "I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on 
 either side of me.  Where is a screaming newborn when you 
 need her?  Good grief.  This was really getting embarrassing. 
 I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. 

 "Mommy!  Would you get off the potty, now?  I want you to be 
 done going stinkies!   Get up!  Get up!" 

 He grunted as he tried to pull me off.  Now I could hear full- 
 blown laughter.  I bent down to count the feet outside my door. 

 "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?   You wooking under da 
 door?   What were you wooking at, Mommy?  You wooking at the 
 wady's feet? " 

 More laughter.  I stood inside the locked door and tried to 
 assess the situation. 

 "Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.  We have to go out 
 now, Mommy." 

 He started pounding on the door. 

 "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?   I want to go out!!" 

 I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling.  I sheepishly 
 opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty 
 to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and 
 starting to applaud. 

 My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 
 "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I 
 signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?" 

 But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he 
 rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, 
 I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this 
 little fellow. 

 (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. 
 She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where 
 she no longer uses public restrooms 

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Subj:     Rogue Male Test
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #229 on 97-10-22 
      and From: pns on 4/8/2003 

 ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON, ROGUE MALE OR A 
 DELIVERY BOY OF THE NEW MALE ORDER?  ARE YOU A MAN OR 
 A LOUSE?  FIND OUT BELOW. 

 1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy.." in your ear. 
    She is obviously: 
    a) Short sighted. 
    b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through 
       meaningless sexual gratification. 
    c) Begging for it. 
    d) A recording. 

 2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be 
    referred to as: 
    a) Sex. 
    b) Fucking. 
    c) Enclosure. 
    d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town. 

 3. You should make love to a woman for the first time 
    only after you've both shared: 
    a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual 
       relationship. 
    b) Your Blood-test results. 
    c) A cab. 
    d) Five tequila slammers. 

 4. You time your orgasm so that: 
    a) Your partner climaxes first. 
    b) You both climax simultaneously. 
    c) The director can set up for a close-up. 
    d) You don't miss Sportsnight. 

 5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: 
    a) Strictly for cats. 
    b) Healthy, creative love-play. 
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would 
       agree to. 
    d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need 
       ever find out about. 

 6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just 
    had sex with is: 
    a) The best part of the experience. 
    b) The second best part of the experience. 
    c) A loathsome chore. 
    d) $100 extra. 

 7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight 
    in the last month.  You tell her that it is: 
    a) No concern of yours. 
    b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend. 
    c) No problem - she can join your gym. 
    d) A conservative estimate. 

 8. Today's sensitive, caring man is: 
    a) An ideal to which you aspire. 
    b) A myth. 
    c) An oxymoron. 
    d) A moron. 

 9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you: 
    a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is 
       the happiest day of my life..." 
    b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung 
       for a sheep as a lamb..." 
    c) Take her to the abortion clinic. 
    d) Take her phone number and tell her 
       you'll get back to her. 

 10. A prostitute is: 
    a) A victim of male dominated society and 
       social oppression. 
    b) Someone who provides an essential service. 
    c) A cheap date. 
    d) A valued employee. 

 11. A wife is: 
    a) A victim of male dominated society and 
       social oppression. 
    b) Someone who provides an essential service. 
    c) A cheap date. 
    d) A valued employee. 

 12. Masturbation is: 
    a) Sex with someone you love. 
    b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones. 
    c) A team sport. 
    d) A cheap date. 

 13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm? 
    a) When she drops her nail file. 
    b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd's home strip 
       (or a Chicago Bulls uniform). 
    c) When the Earth moves. 
    d) Who cares? 

 14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you: 
    a) Call her. 
    b) Call your lawyer. 
    c) Call your doctor. 
    d) Call your wife. 

 15. Which of the following lines best fits into your 
     ideal role-playing sexual fantasy: 
    a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..." 
    b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..." 
    c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...." 
    d) "Another consonant please, Carol...." 

 16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes 
     to $300.  Do you expect: 
    a) An overdraft. 
    b) A blow job. 
    c) Her to pay next time. 
    d) A thank-you letter. 

 17. You call your penis: 
    a) John Thomas. 
    b) Terry-Thomas. 
    c) Massive. 
    d) On its birthday. 

 18. Foreplay is to sex as: 
    a) Priming is to painting. 
    b) Appetiser is to entree. 
    c) Trailer is to feature. 
    d) A queue is to an amusement park ride. 

 19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is: 
    a) Free Lorena Bobbitt. 
    b) Free Mike Tyson. 
    c) Free Willy. 
    d) Free condom with this survey. 

 20. During sex you: 
    a) Haggle. 
    b) Talk dirty. 
    c) Talk of love. 
    d) Talk on the phone. 

 21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid 
     sex scandal. You are: 
    a) Outraged. 
    b) Implicated. 
    c) Jealous. 
    d) A Labour voter anyway. 

 22. A woman who consents to having sex with you 
     when she is drunk is: 
    a) Easier. 
    b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. 
    c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. 
    d) A tricky defence in court. 

 23. Which of the following are you most likely to find 
     yourself saying at the end of a relationship? 
    a) "I hope we can still be friends." 
    b) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you." 
    c) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message 
       after the tone...." 
    d) "Keep the change." 

 24. At what point do you put on the condom?: 
    a) Before you go out. 
    b) Before you pass out. 
    c) As a party trick. 
    d) Never. 

 25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis 
     in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you: 
    a) Talk through her anger. 
    b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it. 
    c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon. 
    d) Ask her to put down the knife. 

 26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: 
    a) Is uptight and a waste of time. 
    b) Probably needs a little more time before she 
       can cope with that sort of intimacy. 
    c) May need glasses. 
    d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the 
       first place. 

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Subj:     Puzzle - Missing Number
          From: Daily Brain Teasers/Puzzles on 1/21/08 
 Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/brainteasercontest.html
 

 THIS WEEKS CONTEST TEASER "Puzzle #66" 

 Go to my web site below and look at the circle.
 What is the missing number in the circle?

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/math4b-supp2.html#pz-missing_number

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