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Subj:     Four Funny Commercials
          From: aldavito on 1/28/2008

 You can view these four funny commercials by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g_to_m/movies_etc-supp2-comm.html

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Subj:     Woman Fights Robber, Cops Have to Rescue Him!
          From: rfslick on 1/29/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSPQKwEJcn4

 A lady grocery store clerk beats an armed robber to 
 the draw.  You can view the movie at the source above, 
 or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/p_files/pol-supp-robber.html

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Subj:     Baby Boomers Gone Wild
          Made by: Walt Handelsman  
          From: aldavito on 1/29/2008
 Source: http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion
........./ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

 This SWF, cartoon movie takes the song "Born to be Wild" 
 and rewrites it for the baby boomers in retirement.  Click 
 on the source above to play it, or below for the version 
 on my site.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/f_eld/e1s-boomers.html

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Subj:     Chelsea Meets A Soldier
          From: AFine963 on 1/29/2008

 Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with 
 a U.S. soldier.  Click below to read about their meeting.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/polit/polit-supp-chelsea.html

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Subj:     Clean You Monitor Screen
          From: tom on 2/1/2008
 Source: http://www.linein.org/media/screenclean.swf

 You can view this cute program at the source above, 
 or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/comp/cs-cleaner.html

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Subj:     Row of Five Scottish Fold Kittens
          From: ginafm on 2/2/2008
 Source: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/575478/5_scottish_fold_litter/

 You can view this cute, short movie at the source above, or 
 on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/a_to_c/cats1-row.html

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Subj:     Kids' Instructions On Life
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-01-27 

 Never trust a dog to watch your food. 
    -Patrick, Age 10 

 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. 
    -Matthew, Age 12 

 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. 
    -Andrew, Age 9 

 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. 
    -Rocky, Age 9 

 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. 
    -Stephanie, Age 8 

 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
    -Rosemary, Age 7 

 Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. 
    -Lamar, Age 10 

 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars 
    when your parents are doing taxes. -Carrol, Age 9 

 Never bug a pregnant mom. 
    -Nicholas, Age 11 

 Don't ever be too full for dessert. 
    -Kelly, Age 10 

 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" 
    don't answer him. -Heather, Age 16 

 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. 
    -Michael, Age 14 

 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. 
    -Joel, Age 12 

 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom 
    when she's on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13 

 Never try to baptize a cat. 
    -Laura, Age 13 

 Never spit when on a roller coaster. 
    -Scott, Age 11 

 Never do pranks at a police station. 
    -Sam, Age 10 

 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. 
    -Rob, Age 10 

 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do 
    what your mom told you to do. -Hank, Age 12 

 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. 
    -Molly, Age 11 

 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. 
    -Chelsey, Age 7 

 Stay away from prunes. 
    -Randy, Age 9 

 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. 
    -Phillip, Age 13 

 Forget the cake. Go for the icing! 
    -Cynthia, Age 8 

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Subj:     Great Athletic Quotes
          From: RFSlick on 3/14/99

 Senior basketball player at the University of  Pittsburgh 
 "You guys line up alphabetically by height." 

 Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: 
 "I've won at every level, except college and pro." 

 1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his 
 team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home.  We can't win 
 on the road.  As general manager, I just can't figure out 
 where else to play." 

 1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, 
 explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at 
 practice:  "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if 
 I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." 

 1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: 
 "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or 
 apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " 

 "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"  -- Leon Wood, 
 New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator. 

From: RFSlick on 5/31/99 
 Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon 
 during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the 
 names of the clubs that we went to." 

 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 
 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the 
 road.  As general manager, I just can't figure out where 
 else to play." (1992) 
  

 A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be 
 remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the 
 L.A. Times: 

 In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by 
 Bobby Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. 
 When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was a lot of fun 
 playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play 
 them again." 

 "He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college 
 basketball player in a interview with his coach.  "But's 
 how's his scholastic work?" 
 "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. 
 "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. 
 "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked." 

 No, but they gave one to me anyway.  - L.A. Lakers rookie 
 Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson 
 University 

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01 
 * Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than 
   all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 

From: ossama on 3/22/99
 Of course, the big story continues to be that bizarre 
 creature with the purple jumpsuit, carries a purse, the 
 weird head gear... some say he's gay... some say he's 
 straight... you know who I'm talking about... Dennis Rodman. 
 At his news conference announcing his joining the Lakers... 
 was he crying? There's no crying in basketball!  THERE'S NO 
 CRYING IN BASKETBALL!!! (Leno) 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/11/2002 
 The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They 
 don't want their team to be associated with crime. From 
 now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets. 
   -- Jay Leno 

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002
 Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't 
 like it - you can see it all over their faces." 

 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of 
 my body."  -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky 
 basketball forward. 

 "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." 
   -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks. 

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/6/2005
 My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth 
 certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra 
 fifty cents that the adults had to pay. 
   -- KareemAbdul-Jabbar

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Subj:     Beer Contains Female Genes
          From bassmen on 98/10/12 
      and From: AFine963 on 1/29/2008

 Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released 
 the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of 
 female hormones in beer. 

 Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. 

 The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain 
 phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn 
 into women. 

 To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within 
 a 1 hour period. 

 It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 
    1. Argued over nothing. 
    2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 
    3. Gained weight. 
    4. Talked excessively without making sense. 
    5. Became overly emotional. 
    6. Couldn't drive. 
    7. Failed to think rationally. 
    8. Had to sit down while urinating. 
 No further testing was considered necessary.

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Subj:     Math Prob. - Brothers And Sisters
          From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 1/31/2008 
 Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/01-31-08.html

 "I have as many brothers as sisters, but my brothers have 
 twice the number of sisters as brothers.  How many of us 
 are there?" 

 The solution can be found on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m_files/m4bS2-brothers.html

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Calvin and Hobbes from GIFMania