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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #580b
         Date: 3/16/2008

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Subj:     Math, Poker, And Life
          By Brian Townsend
          From: gayleheckman on 2/25/2008

 This article from Card Player Magazine compares 
 mathematics to real life in an interesting way.  The 
 author is a young man who has made millions of dollars 
 playing poker professionally.  Click below to read it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g2/townsend.html

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Subj:     Tattoos Of Love
          From: gattica30 on 2/28/2008
 Source: http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

 Click on the source above, or below for the version on 
 my web site.  Then do the following:

 1. Wait till the girl is uploaded, can take awhile. 
 2. Type your name on the first line. (Seu Nome:) 
 3. Type your surname on the second line. (Nome Do Amigo Zoado:) 
 You don't need to type your e-mail address. 
 4. Press on VISUALIZAR. 
 This is real cool.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/tatt-love.html

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Subj:     The Man Song
          From: tom on 2/25/2008

 This muppet type movie of the Man Song comes from the 
 Milt Show.  Click below to view the movie.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/f_men/m4-song.html

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Subj:     King Arthur And What Women Want
          From: mbucher on 8/27/99 
      and From: RFSlick on 4/29/2004 

 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch 
 of a neighboring kingdom.  The monarch could have killed him, 
 but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.  He offered Arthur 
 his freedom, if he could answer a very difficult question. 
 Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a 
 year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.  The question 
 was:  What do women really want? 

 Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man. 
 To young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.  Since it was 
 better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to 
 have an answer by year's end.  He returned to his kingdom and 
 began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the 
 priests, the wise men, the court jester.  In all, he spoke with 
 everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

 What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as 
 only she would know the answer.  The price would be high, since 
 the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant 
 prices she charged.  The last day of the year arrived and Arthur 
 had no alternative but to talk to the witch. 

 She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her 
 price first:  The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most 
 noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest 
 friend!  Young Arthur was horrified:  she was hunchbacked and 
 awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, 
 often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a 
 repugnant creature. 

 He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure 
 such a burden.  Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke 
 with Arthur.  He told him that nothing was too big of a 
 sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the 
 Round Table.  Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the 
 witch answered Arthur's question:  What a woman really wants is 
 to be able to be in charge of her own life. 

 Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth 
 and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it went.  The 
 neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total 
 freedom. 

 What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!  Arthur was torn 
 between relief and anguish.  Gawain was proper as always, gentle 
 and courteous.  The old witch put her worst manners on display. 
 She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone 
 uncomfortable.  The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling 
 himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.  What a sight 
 awaited!  The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! 
 Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.  The beauty 
 replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been 
 a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, 
 and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. 

 Which would he want her to be during the day and which during 
 the night?  What a cruel question?  Gawain began to think of his 
 predicament:  During the day a beautiful woman to show off to 
 his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old 
 spooky witch?  Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, 
 but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? 
 What would you do?  What Gawain chose follows below, but don't 
 read  until you've made your own choice. 
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 Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. 
 Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful 
 all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be 
 in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story? 
 THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY 
 OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.

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Subj:     George Carlin's New Rules For 2008
          From: tom on 2/29/2008 

 New Rule: No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be 
 just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and 
 graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff "you" want 
 and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, 
 it's the white people version of looting. 

 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! 
 There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. 
 Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I 
 already know what the captain of the football team is doing 
 these days --- mowing my lawn. 

 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a 
 window unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all 
 shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's 
 chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect 
 it to contain?  Lobster? 
 
 New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with 
 their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have 
 a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' 

 New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how 
 much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? 
 Good, we're done. 

 New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's 
 a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, 
 without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is 
 called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some 
 scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water. 
 
 New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.  Target is 
 introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a 
 bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the 
 time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in 
 the morgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the 
 Social Security crisis. 

 New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the 
 bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order 
 a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, 
 double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, 
 with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're 
 a huge asshole. 

 New Rule: I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from 
 sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,' 
 verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, 
 and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be 
 ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. 
 
 New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters 
 in it doesn't make you Spiritual.  It's right above the 
 crack of your ass.  And it translates to 'beef with 
 broccoli.'  The last time you did anything spiritual, you 
 were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not 
 spiritual.  You're just high. 

 New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of 
 the seven deadly sins.  ESPN Recently televised the U.S. 
 Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes 
 at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's 
 next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing 
 that.  It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' 

 New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms.  If I'm extra 
 hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. 

 New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based 
 on crappy old television shows, then you have to give 
 everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's 
 playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reason 
 something was a television show in the first place is that 
 the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. 
 
 New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need 
 to hear '27 months.'  'He's two' will do just fine.  He's 
 not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place. 

 New Rule: If you ever hope to b e a credible adult and want 
 a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's 
 sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. 
 If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want 
 fries with that?' 

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Subj:     Woman See Psychic To Talk To Grandma
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/20/00 

 A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her 
 dearly departed grandmother.  The psychic's eyelids begin 
 fluttering and she begins moaning.  Eventually, a voice 
 comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" 

 The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?" 

 "Yes granddaughter, it's me." 

 "It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats. 

 "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." 

 The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question 
 for you." 

 "Anything, my child." 

 "When did you learn to speak English?"

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Worm from Animated Image © Kitty Roach

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