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Subj:     Monkey With A Death Wish
          From: darrellvip on 5/4/2008

 This 6,500 KB movie is cute.  Click below to view it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/monkey-tiger.html

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Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm
          By Mike Peters 
          From: Grimmy.com on May 5,2008
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php

 This cute comic strip is a takeoff on James Bond. 
 You can view it on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/dog2-grimm.html

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Subj:     Mostly Rodeo Accidents
          From: edapsmas on 5/5/2008

 You can view this shirt movie of accidents with animals 
 on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/cow/c2-accidents.html

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Subj:     Two Fellows Play Golf
          From: ginafm on 5/4/2008 

 A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole 
 when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join 
 him.  The first said that he usually played alone, but 
 agreed to the twosome. 

 They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy 
 said,  "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for 
 five bucks a hole?" 
  
 The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, 
 but agreed to the terms. 
  
 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. 
  
 As they were walking off number eighteen, and while 
 counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the 
 pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. 
  
 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. 
  
 The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to 
 return the money. 

 The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish 
 to bet with you. You keep your winnings." 
  
 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up 
 to you?" 
  
 The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday 
 and make a donation.  And, if you bring your mother and 
 father along,  I'll marry them."

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Subj:     Chili Farts
          From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008 

 I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether 
 sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the 
 previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive 
 quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t 
 yourself' chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of 
 being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me 
 that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL 
 fall off. 

 Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even 
 after two cups of Coffee (and all of you know what I mean) 
 nothing happened.  No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite 
 habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal 
 tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning 
 symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder 
 and lightning. 

 Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure 
 of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal- 
 Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty 
 tidbits. 

 Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I 
 selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items 
 in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end 
 of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh, 
 don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. 
 I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always 
 seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain 
 was different. 

 The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging 
 a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way 
 through the small intestines, forcing their way into the 
 large intestines, and before I could take one step in the 
 direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it 
 happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot. 

 There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly 
 enveloped in a Noxious cloud the likes of which has never 
 before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that 
 more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so 
 slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my 
 body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just 
 as an elderly woman turned into it. 

 I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what 
 her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that 
 refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. 
 Have you ever been torn in two different directions 
 emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you 
 at least will be able to relate. 

 I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply 
 watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently 
 indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she 
 could do before gathering her senses and running, was to 
 stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as 
 though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, 
 made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  MISTAKE! 

 Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep 
 things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each 
 new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether 
 region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later 
 told a Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that 
 someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. 

 Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and 
 I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, 
 laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make 
 it before the grand mal assplosion took place. 

 Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to 
 the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above 
 the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. 
 One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of 
 what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a 
 gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then 
 quickly left. 

 Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially 
 filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a 
 store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might 
 want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some 
 prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager 
 is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two 
 which ought to take care of the problem.' 

 That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to 
 escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back 
 pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me 
 in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off 
 returning moments later with the manager.  I was 
 unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none 
 too kindly not to return. 

 Home again without having shopped, I realized that there 
 was nothing good to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed 
 two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at 
 Albertson's.  I can't say anymore about that because we 
 are in court over the whole matter. 
  
 Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

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Smiley and eyebrows from Imogenelumen on 12/17/2003