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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #595
         Date: 6/29/2008
 

 "They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
 but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
 in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
 a higher grade of manure. "  -- Ernest Hemingway
 

Thanks for the great jokes you guys keep sending.  If
I haven’t sent out a certain joke for four years, I am
now sending the best ones out a second time.
 

Go to http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html
to read the great jokes you have sent me through the years.
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Subj:     Famous 1780 Warship Found
          By WILLIAM KATES,AP 
          From: ALO News on 6/14/2008
 Source: http://news.aol.com/story/_a/sunken-wreck-of-
.........famed-warship-found/20080613182509990001

 A 22-gun British warship that sank during the American 
 Revolution has been discovered at the bottom of Lake 
 Ontario, astonishingly well-preserved in the cold, deep 
 water, explorers announced Friday.  You can read the 
 article and see the five pictures at the above source, 
 or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/ships-ontario.html

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Subj:    Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer
         From: Don.Hatch on 9/26/2003 
     and From: darrellvip on 6/15/2008
 Source: http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

 Can you tell the difference between a programmer or a serial 
 killer?  Take the quiz and find out.  Go to Source above, 
 or on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/p_files/prog-killer.html

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Subj:     Stripped
          From: tom on 6/15/2008

 Only one word comes to my mind when I see this video and 
 that word is disturbing.  You can view this very strange 
 movie on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/o_files/nud-stripped.html

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Subj:     Striped Icebergs
          From: gattica30 on 6/18/2008

 You can view these twelve, amazing photos of icebergs on my 
 web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/after_m/sci2-icebergs.html

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Subj:     110 Reasons It's Great Being A Guy:
          From: Octagon999 on 98-01-11 
      and From: HuntMcmahunt on 5/26/2003 

   1. Three words: Monday Night Football 
   2. You understand why The Three Stooges are funny. 
   3. You know stuff about tanks. 
   4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
   5. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
   6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 
   7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 
   8. You can open all your own jars. 
   9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost 
      or gained weight. 
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to 
      stall at every  shot of somebody crying. 
  12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 
  13. All your orgasms are real. 
  14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to 
      the opposite sex. 
  15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you 
      (unless you smash 'em into the boards.. 
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around 
      everywhere you go. 
  17. Movie nudity is always female. 
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 
  19. Your last name stays put. 
  20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to 
      panic that everyone secretly hates you. 
  22. You can kill your own food. 
  23. The garage is all yours. 
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of 
      thoughtfulness. 
  25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 
  26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 
  27. You never have to clean a toilet. 
  28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, 
      he or she can still be your friend. 
  32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 
  34. You don't have to shave below your neck. 
  35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt 
      every night. 
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 
  38. You can write your name in the snow. 
  39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 
  40. Everything on your face gets to stay its
      original color. 
  41. Chocolate is just another snack. 
  42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.. 
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the 
      passenger's seat. 
  44. Flowers fix everything. 
  45. You never have to worry about other
      people's feelings. 
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
  48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 
  50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") 
      and not worry about what people will think. 
  51. Foreplay is optional. 
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk 
      into a room. 
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter 
      reader's coming by. 
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from
      getting laid. 
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
  58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your 
      new haircut. 
  59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours 
      without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 
  60. The world is your urinal. 
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean 
      your lover's about to leave you. 
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
  64. One mood, all the time. 
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without 
      starving yourself to look like him. 
  66. You never have to drive on to another gas station 
      because this one's just too skeevy. 
  67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 
  68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter 
      what you're wearing. 
  69. Same work...more pay! 
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 
  71. You don't have to leave the room to 
      make an emergency crotch adjustment. 
  72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 
  73. You don't care if someone's talking 
      about you behind you back. 
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double 
      the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least
      in theory. 
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
  77. The remote control is yours and yours alone. 
  78. People never glance at your chest 
      when you're talking to them. 
  79. ESPN's SportsCenter. 
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to 
      bring a little gift. 
  81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with
      your mother. 
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper 
      imagining you naked. 
  84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" 
      to go to the bathroom. 
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, 
      he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with 
      the handy phrase "Screw it." 
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same
      outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically 
      expected. 
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because 
      you're not in the mood. 
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it 
      with a hammer or throw it across the room. 
  94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays 
      and anniversaries. 
  97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude 
      having great sex with them. 
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 
      "So...notice anything different?" 
  99. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
      relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
 100. There's always a game on somewhere. 

From: agrief on 10/12/00 
 101. You are not expected to know the names 
      of more than five colors. 
 102. You don't have to stop and think of 
      which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
 103. You never have strap problems in public. 
 104. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
 105. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
 106. You don't have to shave below your neck. 
 107. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
 108. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,
      all seasons. 
 109. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife or
      your teeth. 
 110. You have freedom of choice concerning growing
      mustache. 

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Subj:     Quote By Abe Lincoln
          From:  LABLaughsClean on 6/12/2008

 "During this political season let's be reminded of these 
    wise words. 
 You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. 
 You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 
 You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. 
 You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage 
    payer down. 
 You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting 
    class hatred. 
 You cannot build character and courage by taking away 
    men's initiative and independence. 
 You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, 
    what they could and should do for themselves." 
   -- Abraham Lincoln

 This quote was verified at
 http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Abraham_Lincoln

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Subj:     LOGIC PROB. - Poker Hand
          From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 6/11/2008 
 Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/06-11-08.html

 In a game of poker, one of the hands of five cards had the 
 following features: 
    There was no card above a 10 (an ace is above a 10 in poker). 
    No two cards were of the same value. 
    All four suits were represented. 
    The total values of the odd and even cards were equal. 
    No three cards were in sequence. 
    The black cards totaled 10 in value. 
    The hearts totaled 14. 
    The lowest card was a spade. 
 What was the hand? 

 The solution can be found on my web site by clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m_files/m4c-poker_hand.html

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Subj:     Puzzle – Clickens in the Corn
          From the book 
            "Mathematical Puzzles of Sam Loyd" 
            Edited by Martin Gardner 
            From: Dover Publications in 1959

 Show the farmer and his wife how to catch the chickens.
 Click below to see the picture, the problem's description,
 and its solution.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m_files/m4c-chickens.html

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Calvin in School from
Animated GIF Finder

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