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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #609
         Date: 10/5/2008
 

"Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what
 they think laughable." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

The best jokes I receive each week are from you folks.
If you get a good joke please pass it on to me, I enjoy
a good laugh and it cut down the work.  If you don't get
you Sunday Laughs, or want a back issue, drop me a note.
 

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I uploaded the 399 new jokes you sent me during the last 
three months to my web site.  You can view these new 
jokes plus all the other jokes you have sent me through 
the years at http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html

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Subj:     National Do NOT Call Registry
          From: gibbz on 6/7/2003
      and From: gattica30 on 9/8/2008
Drawing from
National Do NOT Call Registry
 Source: www.donotcall.gov

 Register your home phone and cell phones at the "National 
 Do NOT Call Registry" at the above source to prevent 
 telemarketers from having access to your numbers. 

 It will only take a minute of your time to blocks your 
 numbers for five (5) years. You can call 888-382-1222 to 
 block you cell phone number.  You cannot call from a 
 different phone number to block a cell phone number. 

 This National Registry was verified by Snopes.com at 
 http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/pending/donotcall.asp

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Subj:     Tennis Elbow
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97 
      and From: agrief on 6/2/00

 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike 
 behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see 
 a doctor." "Listen, save your money," Mike replies, "there's 
 a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it 
 a urine sample. The computer tells you what's wrong and 
 what to do about it. It takes 10 seconds and costs $10, it's 
 a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." 

 So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it 
 to the drugstore. He deposits $10, and the computer lights 
 up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the 
 slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a 
 printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm 
 water and avoid heavy activity. It'll improve in two weeks." 

 That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology 
 was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. 
 He combined some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, 
 urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated 
 into the mixture for good measure. Hurrying back to the 
 drugstore, Jack eagerly deposits $10, pours in his 
 concoction, and awaits the results. 

 The computer prints the following: 

 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog 
 has ring worm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your 
 daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. Your wife 
 is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
 And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will 
 never get better.

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Subj:     How Beer Works
          From: tom
          on 9/6/2008

 You can view this cute animated SWF on my web site by 
 clicking below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/drinking/beer-supp-works.html

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Subj:     Pickle Factory Worker Fired
          From: CKButch4Femme on 9/11/2008 
 Source: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/14/2000 

 Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed 
 there for a number of years when he came home one day to 
 confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 
 He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. 
 His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk 
 about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. 
 He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

 One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. 
 His wife could see at once that something was seriously 
 wrong.  "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 

 "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous 
 urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?" 

 "Oh, Bill, you didn't." 

 "Yes, I did." 

 The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what 
 damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a 
 sigh of relief.  "So what happened?" 

 "I got fired." 

 "What happened with the pickle slicer?" 

 "Oh,..... she got fired too." 

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Subj:     Cajun Math Test
          From: darrell94590t on 3/4/2006
      and From: tom on 9/12/2008 

 To see the Cajun Math Test, click below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m_files/m1-tree.html
 

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Subj:     Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk

 A guy gets his penis severed in a car accident.  When he
 wakes up in the hospital, he rings for the doctor.  The
 doctor comes in and tells him what happened.  "So what
 are my options?" the patient asks.

 "You have two options: we can sew your penis back on, but
 it will cost you about a million dollars.  Or...we can
 sew on a baby elephant's trunk.  It will look a bit
 different, but it will feel the same and that will only
 cost about a thousand dollars."

 The guy says, "Well, I'm low on cash so I'll have to go
 with the elephant trunk."

 About two weeks later the guy is out to dinner with some
 friends, when all of a sudden the trunk comes up from
 under the table, grabs a biscuit, then returns back
 under the table.  The guy thinks, "Shit, I hope nobody
 saw that!"  About five minutes later, the trunk comes up
 and grabs another biscuit.  This time the guy's friends
 see it.

 "Holy shit!  What the fuck was that?" his friends ask.
 So the guy tells them the story of the accident and the
 surgery.  "Wow, that's awesome!  Can you do that again?"
 they ask.

 The guy says, "Well, I probably could, but I don't think
 my ass could take another biscuit!"

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Subj:     The New Dollar Bill
          From: ginafm on 10/2/2008

 With the economy these days, the Treasury department has
 issued a new dollar bill.  Click below to view it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/banking_pictures/supp-one.html

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Subj:     Doctor And The Voluptuous Woman
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26 

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. 
 The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his 
 professionalism goes out the window.  Right away he 
 tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins 
 to stroke her thigh.  As he does this he says to the 
 woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 

 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or 
 dermatological abnormalities." 

 "That is right," says the doctor.  He then begins to 
 fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" 
 he says. 

 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps 
 or breast cancer." 

 "Correct," replies the doctor.  He then begins to have 
 sexual intercourse with the woman.  He says to her, 
 "Do you know what I'm doing now?" 

 "Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes, which is why 
 I came here in the first place.." 

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Subj:     Puzzle - Adjacent Letters
          by Philip J. Carter and Kenneth A. Russell 
         From the book "IQ Test" on 9/9/2008
             Published by Sterling Pub.Co., Inc.,2008
             387 Park Avenue South, New York, N.Y.
             Test #5, Problem #20, Page 92

 Rearrange the nine tiles so that every two adjacent letters 
 form a word and two related words can be read around the 
 outer edge.  Click below to see the drawing, and solution.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS-letters.html

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Subj:     Math Prob. - Free Acres
          From the book
            "Mathematical Puzzles of Sam Loyd"
          Edited by Martin Gardner
          From: Dover Publications in 1959

 How can you enclose as many acres of land as there are 
 twelve-foot rails to a fence?  You can view this problem, 
 it's drawing, and solution on my web site by clicking
 below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS-acres.html

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Calvin and Hobbes from
Bozeman Public Schools

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