Subject: The
Sunday Morning Laughs #610c
Date: 9/12/2008
You can also view old ‘Sunday Morning
Laughs’ at
http://jokelibrary.net/archive/index.html
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Subj:
Knowing When To Drop Anchor
From: tom on 9/6/2008 |
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This short video is funny
and cute. Hopefully no one was
injured on the tug boat.
Click below to view it.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/ships-anchor.html
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Subj: 10
Winning Puns
From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
The ability to make and understand
PUNS is the highest
level of language development.
Most great puns most
always are accompanied with
a groan. Here are the top
10 winners in the International
Pun Contest along with
your opportunity to groan.
The first nine also appear
at other locations on my
joke site.
1. A vulture boards an airplane,
carrying two dead
raccoons.
The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm
sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete
wall. The one turns
to the
other and says, 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in
a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank,
proving
once again that you cannot have your kayak
and heat
it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I have lost my
electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first
replies,
'Yes, I am positive.'
5. Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused Novocain
during
a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and
were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out
of the office and asked them to disperse. But
why they
asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,
'I cannot
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and
gives them up for adoption. One
of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.
The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him
Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture
of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They are
twins!
If you have seen Juan, you have seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were
behind on their belfry payments,
so they
opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, a
rival florist across town thought the compet-
ition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close
down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars
to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious
thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh
beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he
would
be back if they did not close up shop. Terrified
they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist
friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you
know, walked barefoot most of
the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather
frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile
mystic
hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was
the person who sent ten
different
puns to friends, with the hope that at
least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No
pun in
ten did.
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Subj:
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
From: rfslick on 9/16/2008 |
This cute animated GIF/Movie
answers this age-old question.
Click below to view it.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/birds/chicken-why.html
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Subj: An
Old Lady's Letter To Her Bank
From: johnpatten on 9/4/2008
Shown below is an actual letter
that was sent to a bank by
an 86-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you
for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calcula-
tions, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit
of my entire pension, an arrange-
ment which, I admit, has
been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of
opportunity and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from
the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink
my er rant financial ways.
I noticed that, whereas I
personally answer your telephone
calls and letters - when
I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-
and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense
under the Postal Act for
any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact
which I require your
chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alter-
native. Please note
that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary
Public and the mandatory
details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented
proof. In due course, at
MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits, but,
again, I have modeled it
on the number of button
presses required of me to
access my account balance
on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field
even further.
When you call me, press buttons
as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,
PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment
to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call
to my living room in case
I am there.
#4. To transfer the call
to my bedroom in case
I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call
to my toilet in case
I am attending
to nature.
#6. To transfer the call
to my mobile phone if
I am not
at home.
#7. To leave a message on
my computer, a password
to access
my computer is required. Password will
be communicated
to you at a later date to that
Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main
menu and to listen to
options
1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint
or inquiry. The
contact
will then be put on hold, pending the
attention
of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder
to press* for English.
While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must
also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy,
if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written
by an 86-year-old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US
SENIOR S'!!!!!
And remember: Don't make old
ladies mad. They don't
like being old in the first
place, so it doesn't
take much to set them off.
This cute letter is an Urban
Legend as verified
by Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/takethat.asp
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Subj:
How To Pronounce Oklahoma
From: rfslick on 9/16/2008
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I guess I had been pronouncing
it correctly all along,
but I never knew the story
behind it. There is a right
way and a wrong way to pronounce
Oklahoma.
The proper way is: Okla .
. . Homa (There's a pause
between the 'a' and the 'h'.)
To see the reason, click
below.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/yNonJokes/thts/y_a_f-oklahoma.html
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Subj: Golfer
Has Operation
Four guys got together for
their weekly golfing when one of
the buddies announced that
he would have to miss the following
week's outing because of
scheduled surgery.
"Hope it's not serious," one
friend said. "Everything okay?"
"You guys may have noticed
that I never showered with you,"
the guy replied. "That's
because, through some fluke, I was
somehow born with both male
and female genitalia and I was
too embarrassed to let anyone
see. The doctor is going to
sew up the vagina."
"Are you crazy?" Have
him cut off your balls. Then you can
hit from the red tees!"
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Subj:
Hagar Comic Strip
by Chris Browne
From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/19/2008 |
Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible
Click below to view this cute
comic strip
about being stranded on an
island.
http://jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/stranded-hagar.html
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Subj: Money And Marriage
And The Gardner
I was talking to my wife about
the current financial
situation and how she would
have to make cutbacks...
Me: As a start I think you
should learn to "iron",
then we
could do without the ironing lady.
She: Well if you would learn
to do me properly we
could
do without the the gardener.
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Subj:
If Noah Built The Ark Today....
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-01
and From: jcary on 9/17/2008 |
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Drawing from DrawShop.com |
Though this joke is cute and
sadly too true, it is also
too long. If you wish
to read it on my web site you
must click below.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/ships.html#ark
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Subj: Puzzle - Form
A Circle
by Philip J. Carter and Kenneth A. Russell
From the book "IQ Test" on 9/17/2008
Published by Sterling Pub. Co., Inc., in 2008
387 Park Avenue South, New York, N.Y. 10016
Test #7, Problem #1, Page 117 |
Which four of the five pieces
can be used to construct a
perfect circle? To
see the drawing, and the solution,
click below.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS-pieces.html
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Subj:
The Redouble Bid
From: BridgeClues.com on 9/17/2008
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This wonderful web site has
daily problems if you click on
the bidding drop down menu.
Today's hand #2132 discusses
the redouble bid. Click
below to see this bridge problem.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g2/a_bridge_column66.html
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.
At Steve Gibbs suggestion I have
placed this donate button at
a few key locations on my web site.
If you are sending me
jokes each week, or find my errors,
you have already donation.
Hey, if you sent
a quarter each week, I might have some cents.
.
.
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Smiley says 'Bye' from
darrell94590 on 9/7/2005 |
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