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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #610c
         Date: 9/12/2008
 

You can also view old ‘Sunday Morning Laughs’ at 
http://jokelibrary.net/archive/index.html
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Subj:    Knowing When To Drop Anchor
         From: tom on 9/6/2008

 This short video is funny and cute.  Hopefully no one was 
 injured on the tug boat.  Click below to view it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/ships-anchor.html

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Subj:     10 Winning Puns
          From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008 

 The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest 
 level of language development.  Most great puns most 
 always are accompanied with a groan.  Here are the top 
 10 winners in the International Pun Contest along with 
 your opportunity to groan.  The first nine also appear 
 at other locations on my joke site. 

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead 
     raccoons.  The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm 
     sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger. 

  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns 
     to the other and says, 'Dam!' 

  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they 
     lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, 
     proving once again that you cannot have your kayak 
     and heat it, too. 

  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I have lost my 
     electron.'  The other says, 'Are you sure?'  The first 
     replies, 'Yes, I am positive.' 

  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain 
     during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental 
     medication. 

  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and 
     were standing in the lobby discussing their recent 
     tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager 
     came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  But 
     why they asked, as they moved off.  'Because,' he said, 
     'I cannot stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 

  7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One 
     of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. 
     The other goes to a family in Spain;  they name him 
     Juan.  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to 
     his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she 
     tells her husband that she wishes she also had a 
     picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They are 
     twins!  If you have seen Juan, you have seen Ahmal.' 

  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, 
     so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. 
     Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of 
     God, a rival florist across town thought the compet- 
     ition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close 
     down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the 
     friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival 
     florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most 
     vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close.  Hugh 
     beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he 
     would be back if they did not close up shop.  Terrified 
     they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent 
     florist friars. 

  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of 
     the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses 
     on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him 
     rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from 
     bad breath.  This made him a super calloused fragile 
     mystic hexed by halitosis. 

 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten 
     different puns to friends, with the hope that at 
     least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No 
     pun in ten did.

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Subj:     Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
          From: rfslick on 9/16/2008

 This cute animated GIF/Movie answers this age-old question. 
 Click below to view it.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/birds/chicken-why.html

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Subj:     An Old Lady's Letter To Her Bank
          From: johnpatten on 9/4/2008 

 Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by 
 an 86-year-old woman.  The bank manager thought it amusing 
 enough to have it published in the New York Times. 

 Dear Sir: 

 I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which 
 I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calcula- 
 tions, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his 
 presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the 
 funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the 
 automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrange- 
 ment which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. 
 You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of 
 opportunity and also for debiting my account $30 by way of 
 penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.  My 
 thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident 
 has caused me to rethink my er rant financial ways. 

 I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone 
 calls and letters - when I try to contact you, I am 
 confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, 
 faceless entity which your bank has become. 

 From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh- 
 and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan repayments will 
 therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will 
 arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and 
 confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must 
 nominate. 

 Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for 
 any other person to open such an envelope.  Please find 
 attached an Application Contact which I require your 
 chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to 
 eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him 
 or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alter- 
 native.  Please note that all copies of his or her 
 medical history must be countersigned by a Notary 
 Public and the mandatory details of his/her financial 
 situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must 
 be accompanied by documented proof.  In due course, at 
 MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN 
 number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. 

 I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, 
 again, I have modeled it on the number of button 
 presses required of me to access my account balance 
 on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation 
 is the sincerest form of flattery. 

 Let me level the playing field even further. 

 When you call me, press buttons as follows: 

 IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON 
 FOR ENGLISH 

 #1. To make an appointment to see me. 
 #2. To query a missing payment. 
 #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case 
     I am there. 
 #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case 
     I am sleeping. 
 #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case 
     I am attending to nature. 
 #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if 
     I am not at home. 
 #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password 
     to access my computer is required.  Password will 
     be communicated to you at a later date to that 
     Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. 
 #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to 
     options 1 through 7. 
 #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.  The 
     contact will then be put on hold, pending the 
     attention of my automated answering service. 
 #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. 
     While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy 
     wait, uplifting music will play for the duration 
     of the call. 

 Regrettably, but again following your example, I must 
 also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting 
 up of this new arrangement.  May I wish you a happy, 
 if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? 

 Your Humble Client 

 (Remember: This was written by an 86-year-old woman) 
 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIOR S'!!!!! 

 And remember: Don't make old ladies mad.  They don't 
 like being old in the first place, so it doesn't 
 take much to set them off. 

 This cute letter is an Urban Legend as verified
 by Snopes.com at 
 http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/takethat.asp

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Subj:     How To Pronounce Oklahoma
          From: rfslick on 9/16/2008
Photo from CVDavis.BlogSpot.com...

 I guess I had been pronouncing it correctly all along, 
 but I never knew the story behind it.  There is a right 
 way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma. 

 The proper way is: Okla . . . Homa (There's a pause 
 between the 'a' and the 'h'.) To see the reason, click
 below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/yNonJokes/thts/y_a_f-oklahoma.html

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Subj:     Golfer Has Operation

 Four guys got together for their weekly golfing when one of
 the buddies announced that he would have to miss the following
 week's outing because of scheduled surgery.

 "Hope it's not serious," one friend said.  "Everything okay?"

 "You guys may have noticed that I never showered with you,"
 the guy replied.  "That's because, through some fluke, I was
 somehow born with both male and female genitalia and I was
 too embarrassed to let anyone see.  The doctor is going to
 sew up the vagina."

 "Are you crazy?"  Have him cut off your balls.  Then you can
 hit from the red tees!"

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Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip
          by Chris Browne
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/19/2008
 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible
 

 Click below to view this cute comic strip 
 about being stranded on an island.

 http://jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/stranded-hagar.html

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Subj:   Money And Marriage And The Gardner

 I was talking to my wife about the current financial
 situation and how she would have to make cutbacks...

 Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron",
     then we could do without the ironing lady.
 She: Well if you would learn to do me properly we
     could do without the the gardener.

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Subj:     If Noah Built The Ark Today....
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-01 
      and From: jcary on 9/17/2008
Drawing from DrawShop.com

 Though this joke is cute and sadly too true, it is also
 too long.  If you wish to read it on my web site you
 must click below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/ships.html#ark

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Subj: Puzzle - Form A Circle
      by Philip J. Carter and Kenneth A. Russell 
      From the book "IQ Test" on 9/17/2008
         Published by Sterling Pub. Co., Inc., in 2008
         387 Park Avenue South, New York, N.Y. 10016
         Test #7, Problem #1, Page 117

 Which four of the five pieces can be used to construct a 
 perfect circle?  To see the drawing, and the solution, 
 click below.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS-pieces.html

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Subj:     The Redouble Bid 
          From: BridgeClues.com on 9/17/2008
Drawing from ArtZooks.com...

 This wonderful web site has daily problems if you click on 
 the bidding drop down menu.  Today's hand #2132 discusses 
 the redouble bid.  Click below to see this bridge problem.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g2/a_bridge_column66.html

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At Steve Gibbs suggestion I have placed this donate button at
a few key locations on my web site.  If you are sending me
jokes each week, or find my errors, you have already donation.
 
Hey, if you sent a quarter each week, I might have some cents.
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Smiley says 'Bye' from
darrell94590 on 9/7/2005

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