>>> Subj:     Chemistry Jokes                  (Includes 67 jokes and articles, 06716n,2,cf)

Molecule from Animation Factory

Also see BIOLOGY file - 'Worms And Alcohol'
         COLLEGE1 file- 'Lieing To The Professor'
         DOG1 file    - 'Who's Dog Is Better'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Lighting Charcoal'
         FROG file    - 'Talking Frog Was Once A Chemist'
         Ig Nobel file- 'Chemistry Prize'
         PHYSICS2 file- 'Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'
         SCIENCE1 file- 'Murphy's Laws Of Research'
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Subj:     Chemistry Class (S403b)
          From: DafterLafter on 6/30/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/029.htm
 

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Subj:     Scientists Discover New Element (S117, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 4/26/99

 The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
 by physicists at Yale.  The element, tentatively named admin-
 istratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic
 number of 0.  However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant
 neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 11 assistant vice-neutrons.
 This gives it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are
 held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the
 continuous exchange of meson- like particles called morons.

 Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.  However,
 it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it
 comes in contact with.  According to the discoverers, a minute
 amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four
 days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than
 one second.

 Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years,
 at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, under-
 goes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-
 neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.  Some
 studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases
 after each reorganization.

 Research at other laboratories indicate that administratium
 occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to congregate
 at certain points such as government agencies, large
 corporations, and universities.  It can actually be found
 in the newest, best maintained buildings.

 Scientists point out that administratium is known to be
 toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy
 any productive reactions, where it is allowed to accumulate.
 Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can
 be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results
 to date are not promising.

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Subj:     The Great Joule Robbery (DU)

 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she
 turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!
 Someone has stolen my joules!"

 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your
 balance and reflux a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember
 putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."

 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one
 Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an
 arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.

 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet,
 and dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the
 Palladium.  Maybe I can catch him there."  With that, he
 jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped
 off along the reaction pathway ...
    -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

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Subj:     Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! (S23, DU)
          From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97

 The Invisible Killer

 Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and
 kills uncounted thousands of people every year.  Most of
 these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO,
 but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
 Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue
 damage.  Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
 sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling,
 nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.  For those
 who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain
 death. Dihydrogen monoxide:

 is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component
 of acid rain.

 contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

 may cause severe burns.

 contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

 accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

 may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness
    of automobile brakes.

 has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

 Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

 Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost
 every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.  But
 the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been
 found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars
 of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

 Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

 as an industrial solvent and coolant.

 in nuclear power plants.

 in the production of styrofoam.

 as a fire retardant.

 in many forms of cruel animal research.

 in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing,
    produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

 as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food
 products.  Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the
 ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this
 practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
 extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

 The Horror Must Be Stopped!

 The American government has refused to ban the production,
 distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its
 "importance to the economic health of this nation."  In
 fact, the navy and other military organizations are
 conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-
 billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during
 warfare situations. Hundreds of military research
 facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated
 underground distribution network.  Many store large
 quantities for later use.

 It's Not Too Late!

 Act NOW to prevent further contamination.  Find out more
 about this dangerous chemical.  What you don't know can
 hurt you and others throughout the world.

 Second version
 Subj:     Junior High Science Fair Project
           From: humorlist-digest V1 #259 on 97-11-25

 A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the
 Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on April 26.  He was
 attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the
 alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
 everything in our environment.  In his project he urged
 people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
 elimination of the chemicalb "dihydrogen monoxide."  And
 for plenty of good reasons, since:

 1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
 2. It is a major component in acid rain.
 3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
 4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
 5. It contributes to erosion.
 6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
 7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

 He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical
 dihydrogen monoxide.

 Results:

 Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew
 that the chemical is more commonly called "water."  The
 title of his prize winning project was "How Gullible Are
 We?"  The conclusion is obvious.

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Subj:     Man - A Chemical Analysis

 Element        : MAN
 Symbol         : Ah (short for Arsehole)
 Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
 Atomic Weight  : 180+/-100
 Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair,
                  6' 0" in length, though some isotopes
                  can be as short as 4 inches.
 Discoverer     : Eve
 Occurance      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
                  concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily
 gets bent out of shape.  Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
 Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging
 samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young,
 fresh samples. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any
 alcohol).  Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
 after reaction with Wo (Snore ...  zzzzz). Gains considerable
 mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.  Rarely found
 in pure form after 14th year.  Often damaged as a direct
 result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo
 commom ore.

 Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it
 can get.  Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
 Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a
 prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by
 saturating with alcohol.

 Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples
 are able to produce large quantities on command.

 Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly
 decomposes and begins to smell.

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Subj:     Woman - A Chemical Analysis (S382b)
          From: mrx on 5/28/2004
 

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Subj:     Woman - A Chemical Analysis (2ed vers.)

 Element: Woman
 Symbol:  Wo
 Discoverer:  Adam

 Quantitative Analysis:
 Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25
    to 60-55-60 have been identified.

 Occurrence:
 Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
    energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
    areas.

 Physical Properties:
 Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
    nothing and freezes at a moments notice.  Totally
    unpredictable.  Melts when properly treated, very bitter
    if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from
    virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted
    to money and sports cars.  In its natural shape, the
    specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed
    artificially so well that the change is indiscernible
    except to the experienced eye.

 Chemical Properties:
 Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, <gold, silver and
    copper> especially in the crystalline form.  May give
    violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great
    amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is
    initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH,(alcohol)
    and sexy aftershave lotions.  An essential catalyst is
    often required (you must say you love her at least five
    times daily).  Reaction accelerates when in the dark and
    all reaction conditions are suitable.  Extremely difficult
    to react if in the highly stable pure form.  Yields to
    pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is
    highly exothermic.

 Storage:
 Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25
    years.

 Uses:
 Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on
    lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.

 Tests:
 Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
    state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

 Caution:
 Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego).
    Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be
    used with great care if experiments are to succeed.

 NOTE:
 It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
    though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

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Subj:     Chemistry Songs And Prayers

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Subj:     The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town

 You better not weigh
 You better not heat
 You better not react
 I'm telling you now
 The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

 He's collecting data
 He's checking it twice
 He's gonna find out
 The heat of melting ice
 The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

 He sees you when you're decanting
 He knows when you titrate
 He knows when you are safe or not
 So wear goggles for goodness sake.

 Oh, you better not filter
 And drink your filtrate
 You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
 The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

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Subj:     The Graduate Student's Prayer (with apologies)
          From: grizzly

 Our professor, who art in tenure,
 Hallowed by thy grant.
 Thy method come.  They experiment be done,
 in lab as it is in textbooks.
 Give us this day, our daily enzyme.
 And forgive us our contamination,
 as we forgive our collaborators.
 And lead us not into chemistry,
 but deliver us from physics:
 For thine is the laboratory, and the method,
 and the glory, for ever.  Amen

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Subj:     Chemistry Formulas And Rules

        PhD
         |
        / \
       |   |
        \ /
         |
         PhD    Para - Doc's   (can draw ortho - doc's as well)
 

     CH3- _    _    _    _ - CH3
        /   \/   \/   \/   \
       |    |    |    |    |
        \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/        Tetramethylchickenwire
        /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
       |    |    |    |    |
   CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3
 
 

               o  o  o
H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
               |  |  |             A propyl people ether!
              / \/ \/ \
 

               Fe - Fe
              /       \
             Fe       Fe          Ferous Wheel
              \       /
               Fe - Fe
 

        PhD
  |   PhD
 / \ /
       | O |             Orthodox   (ortho - Doc's)
 \ /
 
 

      MD
       I
      / \
     | O |                         Metaphysicians
      \ /\
   MD
 

       O   O
    ---I---I-----O-C3H7            Propylpeople ether
       I   I
      /\  /\
    /    \   \
 

  4
  |
 / \
       | O |__4             Metaphor    (meta - 4)
 \ /
 
 

   O-R-NMe2
   |
   |
  / \  /\
 /   \/  \
I        O     a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
   |
 --|--
          |
  / \
 
 

 What is this:
        NaCl(aq)   NaCl(aq)
        C  C  C  C  C  C  C
 Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"

 chemical formula:
        HIJKLMNO
 What is it?  It's the formula for water.

 HiHoAg           hi ho silver!!!

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RULES OF THE LAB
  1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
  2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the
     same way each time.
  3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
  4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
  5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
  6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly
     before you start.
  7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well
     in advance.
  8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start
     at the answer and derive the question.
  9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to
     find a common middle.
 10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
 11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
 12. Team work is essential.  It allows you to blame
     someone else.
 13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely
     toxic poisons.
 14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break
     before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)

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Subj:     Chemistry Bumper Stickers

 It takes alkynes to make a world.

 Acid -- better living through chemistry.

 Remember, if you're not part of the solution,
 you're part of the precipitate!

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Subj:     Chemistry Quotes And laws

 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
 and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman

 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
   -- Mike Adams

 It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students
 we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later
 found to be untrue.
   -- quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

 Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the
 negative logaritm is linear with 1/T  -- D.L. Bunker

 Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet...
 they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom!

 Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can
 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

 Never replicate a successful experiment -Fett's law.

 Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.

 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
 Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

 Raw data is like raw sewage, it requires some processing
 before it can be spread around.  The opposite is true of
 theories.

 Murphy's law of research: Enough research will tend
 to support you theory.

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Subj:     Short Chemistry Jokes

Top
Subj:     Two Sodium Atoms (S398b, S610c)
          From: DafterLafter on 8/26/2004
      and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
 There were these two sodium atoms walking down the street,
 the other day.  They run in to each other.  One says to the
 other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are
 you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
 

Top
Subj:     Formula For Water (S345b, S645c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/30/2003
 An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his
 class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
 "Sure. That's easy," said one man.
 "What is it?"
 "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
 "What, what?" reasked the instructor.
 "H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
 

 Chemistry is really funny, there are even people
 who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide.
 (You will have to know some chemistry to understand this.

 What does one do with a dead body? Barium
 They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
 Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
 And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
 Locked up for life, in Irons.
 They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.

 Maybe their into plastic surgery.
 What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
 To large gashes?  Sodium.

 First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass
 look alike!

 Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!

 Chemicals:  Noxious substances from which modern foods
 are made.

 Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

 Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
 Like BaNa2, name IOAg.  I O Silver.

 Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
 And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.

 With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...

 Name BaNa2. banana

 Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice.
 Name it.  Paradice

 Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded
 to the uppermost carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.

 Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
 Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium
 Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
 OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
 OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes

 Little Willie was a chemist.
 Little Willie is no more.
 For what he thought was H2O,
 Was H2SO4.

 If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will
 die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die
 of oxygen deprivation.

From: cohen on 98-03-25
 The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity!

From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
 A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
 for a beer?"  The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

From: igiggle on 5/30/2004 (S383b)
 There's enough gold in the ocean to give every human 9 pounds.
 

 Q: What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?
 A: HIOAg, away!

 Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
 A:You can't make a vitamin....

 Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
 A: They're cheaper than day rates.

 Q: Where does one put the dishes?
 A: Zinc

 Q: How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
 A: None. That's what organic chemists are for!

 Q: What does one do if one can't zwim?
 A: Zinc

 Q: What is the most chaste organic compound?
 A: Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S62)
 Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
    on the outside?
 A: K9P.

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Chemistry discovery from Smiley_Central

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