Subj: Chemistry Jokes
(Includes 69 jokes and articles, 19845,4,cf,md4,1)
Also see BIOLOGY file - 'Worms
COLLEGE1 file- 'Lieing To The Professor'
DOG1 file - 'Who's Dog Is Better'
FACTS2 file - 'Lighting Charcoal'
FROG file - 'Talking Frog Was Once A Chemist'
Ig Nobel file- 'Chemistry Prize'
PHYSICS2 file- 'Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'
SCIENCE1 file- 'Murphy's Laws Of Research'
Subj: Chemistry Class (S403b)
From: DafterLafter on 6/30/2004
Subj: Scientists Discover New Element (S117, DU)
From: RFSlick on 4/26/99
The heaviest element known to
science was recently discovered
by physicists at Yale. The element, tentatively named admin-
istratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant
neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 11 assistant vice-neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson- like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium
is inert. However,
it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it
comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute
amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four
days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than
Administratium has a normal life
of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, under-
goes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-
neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some
studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases
after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories
indicate that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to congregate
at certain points such as government agencies, large
corporations, and universities. It can actually be found
in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium
is known to be
toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy
any productive reactions, where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can
be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results
to date are not promising.
Subj: The Great Joule Robbery (DU)
Florence Flask was ... dressing
for the opera when she
turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules!
Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied
her husband, "keep your
balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen,"
cried Florence. "I remember
putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot
who turned up, one
Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an
arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a
free radical, ultraviolet,
and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the
Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he
jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped
off along the reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
Dogs Teaching Chemistry - Chemical Bonds
From RDobry on 11/14/2012 (S827d)
Photo from YouTube.com...
I am a chemist and my greatest
hobby is to train my dogs.
Why not combine the two?! Chemical bonds are what hold
atoms together. A chemical bond is an attraction between
atoms that allows the formation of chemical substances.
Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this silly, cute video.
Subj: Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! (S23, DU)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless,
odorless, tasteless, and
kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of
these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO,
but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue
damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling,
nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those
who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain
death. Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydroxl acid,
and is the major component
of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures
and decreased effectiveness
of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide
have been found in almost
every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But
the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been
found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars
of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides.
Even after washing,
produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods"
and other food
products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the
ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this
practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused
to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its
"importance to the economic health of this nation." In
fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-
billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during
warfare situations. Hundreds of military research
facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated
underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.
It's Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination.
Find out more
about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can
hurt you and others throughout the world.
Subj: Junior High Science Fair Project
From: humorlist-digest V1 #259 on 97-11-25
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior
High won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on April 26. He was
attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the
alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged
people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemicalb "dihydrogen monoxide." And
for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. It can cause excessive sweating
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported
a ban of the chemical
Forty-three said yes, six were
undecided, and only one knew
that the chemical is more commonly called "water." The
title of his prize winning project was "How Gullible Are
We?" The conclusion is obvious.
Subj: Man - A Chemical Analysis
Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight : 180+/-100
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair,
6' 0" in length, though some isotopes
can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve
Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical Properties: Solid at
room temperature but easily
gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young,
fresh samples. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any
alcohol). Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz). Gains considerable
mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found
in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct
result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo
Chemical Properties: Attempt
to bond with Wo any chance it
can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a
prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by
saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane
production. Good samples
are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo,
this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell.
Subj: Woman - A Chemical Analysis (S382b)
From: mrx on 5/28/2004
Subj: Woman - A Chemical Analysis (2ed vers.)
Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25
to 60-55-60 have been identified.
Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from
virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted
to money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the
specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed
artificially so well that the change is indiscernible
except to the experienced eye.
Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, <gold, silver and
copper> especially in the crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great
amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is
initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH,(alcohol)
and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is
often required (you must say you love her at least five
times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and
all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult
to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to
pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on
lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego).
Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be
used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
Subj: Chemistry Songs And Prayers
Subj: The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.
Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
Subj: The Graduate Student's Prayer (with apologies)
Our professor, who art in tenure,
Hallowed by thy grant.
Thy method come. They experiment be done,
in lab as it is in textbooks.
Give us this day, our daily enzyme.
And forgive us our contamination,
as we forgive our collaborators.
And lead us not into chemistry,
but deliver us from physics:
For thine is the laboratory, and the method,
and the glory, for ever. Amen
Subj: Chemistry Formulas And Rules
PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well)
_ _ _ - CH3
/ \/ \/ \/ \
| | | | |
\ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ Tetramethylchickenwire
/ \ / \ / \ / \
| | | | |
CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3
o o o
| | | A propyl people ether!
/ \/ \/ \
Fe - Fe
Fe Fe Ferous Wheel
Fe - Fe
/ \ /
| O | Orthodox (ortho - Doc's)
| O | Metaphysicians
---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether
/ \ \
| O |__4 Metaphor (meta - 4)
/ \ /\
/ \/ \
I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
What is this:
C C C C C C C
Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"
What is it? It's the formula for water.
HiHoAg hi ho silver!!!
RULES OF THE LAB
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the
same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly
before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start
at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to
find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break
before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)
Subj: Chemistry Bumper Stickers
It takes alkynes to make a world.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
Remember, if you're not part
of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate!
Subj: Chemistry Quotes And laws
All theoretical chemistry is
and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman
Organic chemistry is the chemistry
of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
It is disconcerting to reflect
on the number of students
we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later
found to be untrue.
-- quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)
Physical Chemistry is research
on everything for which the
negative logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker
Chemists are the *cleanest* people
you'll ever meet...
they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom!
Discovery: A couple of months
in the laboratory can
frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
Never replicate a successful experiment -Fett's law.
Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
A little inaccuracy sometimes
saves tons of explanation.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Raw data is like raw sewage,
it requires some processing
before it can be spread around. The opposite is true of
Murphy's law of research: Enough
research will tend
to support you theory.
Subj: Short Chemistry Jokes
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
By Bob Thaves
From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/30/2013
Subj: Two Sodium Atoms (S398b, S610c)
From: DafterLafter on 8/26/2004
and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
There were these two sodium atoms walking down the street,
the other day. They run in to each other. One says to the
other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are
you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Subj: Formula For Water (S345b, S645c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/30/2003
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his
class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Chemistry is really funny, there
are even people
who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide.
(You will have to know some chemistry to understand this.
What does one do with a dead
They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
Locked up for life, in Irons.
They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.
Maybe their into plastic surgery.
What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
To large gashes? Sodium.
First law of Laboratorics: Hot
glass and cold glass
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
Chemicals: Noxious substances
from which modern foods
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
Tooth in water glass is a one
Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver.
Rabbit like paired electrons
on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...
Name BaNa2. banana
Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene
with two dice.
Name it. Paradice
Draw benzene with a Mercedes
symbol single bonded
to the uppermost carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.
Old chemists never die, they
just fail to react.
Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium
Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
If you are locked in a completely
sealed room, you will
die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die
of oxygen deprivation.
From: cohen on 98-03-25
The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity!
From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
From: igiggle on 5/30/2004 (S383b)
There's enough gold in the ocean to give every human 9 pounds.
Q: What does what does the Lone
Ranger say to his horse?
A: HIOAg, away!
Q:What's the difference between
a hormone and a vitamin?
A:You can't make a vitamin....
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: Where does one put the dishes?
Q: How many physical chemists
does it take to wash a beaker?
A: None. That's what organic chemists are for!
Q: What does one do if one can't
Q: What is the most chaste organic
A: Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S62)
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
............................Chemistry discovery from Smiley_Central.