Subj:     Professor Jokes
                 (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 23 1110n,10,cf,wXT1a7a,5)

..........L5 Update

Formula from
Includes the following:  Prof Butts Self-Operating Napkin - 2 Drawings (S1109)
.........................Professor Discusses Emotional Extremes (S138)
.........................Missing The Final Because Of A Funeral (S402)
.........................Student Vs Professor - Video (S673b)
.........................Professors Define A Kiss (S311b)
.........................The Evils Of Marijuana (S243)
.........................Life Is Like A Cup Of Coffee - Video (S701)
.........................Visiting Your Old Professor (S498b)
.........................Philosophy Professor's One Question Final (S406b)
.........................Philosophy Professor Discusses God (S129b)
.........................Randy Pausch's Last Lecture - Video (S580, S725)
.........................The Economics Professor And Socialism (S642b)
.........................The Professor And The Classroom Clock (S315)
.........................Involuntary Muscular Contractions - Article w/Drawing (S853)
.........................Atheist Professor Teaches About God (S519b)
.........................Question On The Night School Test (S107, S451)
.........................The Professor, A Girl Student, And Studying (S278)
.........................The Empty Pickle Jar - Video (S940)
.........................Professor At Nightspot
.........................Physics And Math Professors Examine Equation
.........................Reading Comix - Cartoon (DU)
.........................Professor Santa Claus
.........................Advice To University Staff
                         Short Professor Jokes
..............................Mallard Cartoon On College Professors (S595c)
..............................Professor Lightens Lecture (S555)
..............................Does Evil Exist - PPS (S519c)
..............................Poor College Student (S308b)
..............................Philosophy 101

Also see COLLEGE1 file- 'Logic And The Weed-Eater'
......................- 'Lieing To The Professor'
......................- 'Sexist Professor'
......................- 'Professor Discusses Sperm'
         COLLEGE2 file- 'Do You Know Who I Am?'
         ENGLISH file - 'English Professor And Punctuation'
......................- 'Double Negative'
         GHOSTS file  - 'Professor Talks About Ghosts'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Professor Lectures Medical Students'
         PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves Lives!'
         POLITICAL-SUP- 'How To Catch Wild Pigs'
         PSYCH-SUPP   - 'Mass Hysteria'
......................- 'A Glass Of Water' -  Article
.........THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Mayonnaise Jar And 2 Cups of Coffee'
.........WOMEN3 file  - 'Professor's Quote About "Woman"'

Subj:     Prof Butts Self-Operating Napkin (S1109)
          Copyright © Heirs of Rube Goldberg
 Source1: www.mentalfloss.com/article/54007/
 Source2: www.cbsnews.com/pictures/the-wacky
 To see other old Rube Goldberg cartoons 
.....and other Rube Goldberg videos click 'HERE'.
.........This Rube Goldberg cartoon even made its
..........way onto a U.S. postage stamp in 1995.
Subj:     Professor Discusses Emotional Extremes (S138)
          From: collins in 1999

 The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending
 their first class on emotional extremes.

 "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
 student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of

 "Sadness," said the UH student.

 "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
 the University of Texas.

 "Elation," said she.

 "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas AM, "how about
 the opposite of woe?

 "The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Subj:     Missing The Final Because Of A Funeral (S402)
..........From: DafterLafter in 2004

 One of my students could not take my college seminar final
 exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make
 it up the following week."

 That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to
 another funeral.

 "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.
 "I can't keep postponing it."

 "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

 By now I was suspicious.  "How can you have so many people
 you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

 "I don't know any of these people," he said.  "I'm the only
 gravedigger in town."

Subj:     Student Vs Professor
          From: Wimp.com
          in 2009 (S673b,d-On Site)
 Source: www.wimp.com/studentprofessor/

 (Also see "Do You Know Who I Am?" in College2)

 A professor refuses to accept a student's final
 examination because he turned it in late.  The student
 looks him in the eye and asks "Do you know who I am?"
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute, short video.

Subj:     Professors Define A Kiss (S311b)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003

 How the professors of different subjects define the same
 word, *kiss*, in different ways:

 **Prof. of Physics:
 Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion
 of the heart.

 **Prof. of Algebra:
 Kiss is infinity because it is two divided by nothing.

 **Prof. of Geometry:
 Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

 **Prof. of Chemistry:
 Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

 **Prof. of Zoology:
 Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

 **Prof. of Accountancy:
 Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

 **Prof. of Economics:
 Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher
 than the supply.

 **Prof. of English:
 Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction;
 it is more common than proper.

Subj:     The Evils Of Marijuana (S243)
          From: dogbyte in 2001

 A certain college professor was notorious for getting off
 the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject:
 the evils of marijuana.

 Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors:  "Used
 regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility,
 cancer and castration!"

 "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student.
 "Castration?!?  That's absurd!"

 "No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.
 "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

Subj:     Life Is Like A Cup Of Coffee
          From: Jessibel Gonzales
..........in 2010 (S701d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NgzQ9Pcsg

 (Also see 'Visiting Your Old Professor' below)

 A group of alumni, highly established in their careers,
 got together to visit their old university professor.
 The professor offered his guests a cup of coffee, and
 a wonderful lesson about their lives from the coffee.
 This video combines beautiful pictures, inspiring music,
 and a touching story to help empower people to live more
 fully.  Click 'HERE' to see this very true video.

Subj:     Visiting Your Old Professor (S498b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006

 (Also see 'Life Is Like A Cup Of Coffee' above)

 A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got
 together to visit their old university professor. Conver-
 sation soon turned  into complaints about stress in work
 and life.

 Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen
 and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of
 cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some  plain
 looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to
 help themselves to the coffee.

 All the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor
 said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups
 were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones.
 While it is but normal for you to want only the best for
 yourselves, that is the source of  your problems and stress.
 Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the
 coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases
 even hides what we drink.

 What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but
 you consciously went for the best cups...and then began
 eyeing each other's cups.

 Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and  the jobs, money
 and position in society are the cups.  They are just tools
 to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does
 not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.  Some-
 times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy
 the coffee God has provided us."

 God brews the coffee, not the cups...enjoy your coffee!

Subj:     Philosophy Professor's One Question Final (S406b)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2004

 An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
 exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
 The class was already seated and ready to go when the
 professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk
 and wrote on the board:

 "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that
 this chair does not exist."

 Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in
 furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one
 hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.  One
 member of the class however, was up and finished in less
 than a minute.

 A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the
 group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had
 barely written anything at all.

 His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Subj:     Philosophy Professor Discusses God (S129b)
          From: PGSP4LIFE in 1999

 A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion
 about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

 "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

 "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

 "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the
 third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

 One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to
 reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
 granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following
 questions of his classmates:

 "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

 "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.

 "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

 When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
 "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that
 our professor has no brain!"

Subj:     Randy Pausch's Last Lecture
          in 2008 (in Tho-lrn-sp2)
..........(S580d-iFrame, S725)
Photo from
Carnegie Mellon University
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/ji5_MqicxSo
 Source2: www.wimp.com/lastlecture/

 Randy Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University.
 After he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three
 months to live, he gave his last lecture titled "Achieving
 Your Childhood Dreams".  You can hear a shortened version
 of the lecture on the Oprah Show, or you can see the full
 amazing lecture by clicking 'HERE' .  It will change your life.

Subj:     The Economics Professor And Socialism (S642b)
          From: tom in 2009

 An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never
 failed a single student before but had, once, failed an
 entire class.  That class had insisted that socialism
 worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be
 rich, a great equalizer.

 The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in
 this class on socialism.  All grades would be averaged
 and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would
 fail and no one would receive an A.  After the first test
 the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.  The
 students who studied hard were upset and the students who
 studied little were happy.  But, as the second test
 rolled around, the students who studied little had studied
 even less and the ones who studied hard decided they
 wanted a free ride too; so they studied little..  The
 second test average was a D!  No one was happy.  When the
 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.  The scores
 never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all
 resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the
 benefit of anyone else.

 All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor
 told them that socialism would also ultimately fail
 because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed
 is great; but when government takes all the reward away;
 no one will try or want to succeed.

 "A government big enough to give you everything you want,
 is big enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson

Subj:     The Professor And The Classroom Clock (S315)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003

 The rules at a particular university were such that if the
 professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes
 past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the
 students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing
 a class.

 The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that
 "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As
 it were, these clocks were also not of the most
 sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
 discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
 erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

 It became almost daily practice for these students to take
 target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this
 particular professor was not the most punctual, and the
 students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few
 well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and
 class dismissed itself.

 Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the
 professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and
 told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

 The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from
 around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he
 had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he
 closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Subj:     Involuntary Muscular Contractions (S853)
          From: virv in 2013
 Source1: www.cafemom.com/journals/read/592625/
 Source2: www.sydney.edu.au/vetscience/about/

 Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a
 lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first
 year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the
professor decided to lighten up the mood. 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is
doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.'

.Drawing from Lining a Drawing
 He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class.
There really is a Dr. Damien Higgins, PhD Wild Animal
 Medicine & Husbandry at The University of Sydney.

Subj:     Atheist Professor Teaches About God (S519b)
          From: jbcary1 in 2007

 A United States Marine was attending some college courses
 between assignments.  He had completed missions in Iraq
 and Afghanistan.  One of the courses had a professor who
 was a vowed atheist.

 One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
 He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you
 are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
 I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

 The lecture room fell silent.  You could hear a pin drop.
 Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I
 am God.  I'm still waiting."  It got down to the last
 couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair,
 went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking
 him off  the platform. The professor was out cold.

 The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
 The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there
 looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
 noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What
 the hell is the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

 The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today
 protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your
 right to say stupid [bleep] and act like an [bleep].  So,
 He sent me."

Subj:     Question On The Night School Test (S107, S451)
          From: FrankRoesc in 1999

 During my second month of night school, our professor gave
 us a pop quiz.  I was a conscientious student and had
 breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:
 "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

 Obviously, this was some kind of joke.  I had seen the
 cleaning woman several times.  She was tall, dark-haired
 and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?  I handed
 in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

 Before class ended, one student asked if the last question
 would count toward our quiz grade.  "Absolutely," said the
 professor.  "In your lives, in your careers, you will meet
 many people. All are significant.  They deserve your
 attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say

 I've never forgotten that lesson.  I also learned her name
 was Dorothy.

Subj:     The Professor, A Girl Student, A Studying (S278)
          From: dogbyte in 2002

 A student comes to a young professor's office hours.  She
 glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
 "I would do *anything* to pass this exam."  She leans
 closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
 into his eyes.  "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would

 He returns her gaze. "Anything?"


 His voice softens. "*Anything*??"


 His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

Subj:     The Empty Pickle Jar (S940)
          Presented by: Simple Truths
          From: Sherriee Jacobsen Cole
..........in 2015 (d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/iZ6vX7fl0Yw

 (Also see 'Mayonnaise Jar And 2 Cups of Coffee' in Thoughts-Time)

 This is a short lesson by a professor to his students on
 life.  The professor beautifully uses the analogy of golf
 balls, pickle jar, pebbles, sand to give an important
 lesson on life.  Click 'HERE' to see this beautiful truth.

Subj:     Professor At Nightspot
          from: Playboy in February 1997

 A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A.
 nightspot when a miniskirted Valley Girl sashayed over
 to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my
 brains out."

 "Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

Subj:     Physics And Math Professors Examine Equation

 Physics professor is walking across campus, runs into Math
 Professor.  Physics professor has been doing an experiment,
 and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to
 explain his data, and asks the Math professor to look at it.

 A week later, they meet again, and the Math professor says
 the equation is invalid.  By then, the Physics professor
 has used his equation to predict the results of further
 experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he
 askes the Math professor to look again.

 Another week goes by, and they meet once more.  The Math
 professor tells the Physics professor the equation does
 work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are
 real and positive."

Subj:     Reading Comix (DU)
          From: Dylan Mecones
 Source: www.dylanmeconis.com/how-not-to-write-comics-criticism/
Subj:     Professor Santa Claus

 Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus
 and I had an incredible realization.  Consider the following:

 o You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
 o Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
 o Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch
   of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one
   who everybody credits with the work.
 o Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
 o Santa travels a lot.

 Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Subj:     Advice To University Staff
          From: ArmaDillow in 1997

               Advice to University Staff :

 ----------------------                  -----------------------

 Your course is too tough                I haven't been doing
                                         my homework

 Writing exams makes me nervous          I haven't been doing
                                         my homework

 You're always trying to show us         I'm embarrassed because
 how smart you are                       I'm not prepared again

 I understand the overall concept        I haven't got a clue
 of this topic                           about the current topic

 I would like to have had more time      I didn't read it
 to study the text

 I have some concerns about the theory   I hope this won't be
 upon which this lecture is based        on the exam

 There are some aspects of the           I sure as hell ain't
 chapter that I would like to            gonna read that many pages
 hear more about                         go over the highlights

 Your lectures are not strongly          You mean I have to come to
 enough linked to the text               lectures to get the notes?

 Your lecture is an interesting          I fell asleep in class
 explanation of the text material

 You've failed to discuss some of the    What do you mean
 more relevant sections of the text      -- read on my own?

 I would like you to explain...          I don't know anything
 stuff                                   about this

 Do you have a minute to answer a        Wanna listen to me
 question about the assignment?          whine for an hour?

 The exam was unfair                     I didn't study

 I need an extension                     I started this morning and just
                                         realised that I can't finish it in
                                         3 hours

 You're the worst prof I ever had        You make us work hard

 The prof I had last term was            He didn't make us work
 much better

 I'll never take another course          I've failed
 from you again

Subj:     Short Professor Jokes

Subj:     Mallard Cartoon On College Professors
          From: JewishWorldReview.com
..........in 2008 (S595c)
 Source: www.jewishworldreview.com/strip
 You view this cute comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Professor Lightens Lecture (S555)
          From: edbabcock in 2007
 A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
 Contractions" to his first year medical students.  Realizing
 that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
 decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do
 you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an

 She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

 The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with
 the class.

Subj:     Does Evil Exist - PPS
          From: drgolfmd
          in 2006 (S519c)
 This PowerPoint Show presents a series of beautiful pictures
 with a story of a college professor who wishes to cause his
 students to doubt the existance of GOD by asking the question
 "Does Evil Exist".  Click 'HERE' to view this PowerPoint Show.

Subj:     Poor College Student (S308b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2002
 A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman
 son was going to.

 "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He
 doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

 The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."

Subj:     Philosophy 101
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
 The Theology professor asked the student,
 "what is the opposite of joy?"
 "Sadness," said the student.
 "And the opposite of depression?"
 "And how about the opposite of woe?"
 "I believe that would be giddy up."


 Professor Dave Allstot, who substituted for Professor
 Ron Rohrer for a lecture in 18-220, Fundamentals of
 Electrical Engineering:
 Well, I feel a bit like Elizabeth Taylor's 7th husband
 on their first night.  I know what to do, but I'm not
 sure I can make it interesting.

 On one occasion a student burst into his office.
 "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F
 you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
 but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University
 will allow me to award."

 Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today.
 Please get out quietly not to wake up the other classes.

 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

 When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.

 A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
   -- Alfred Kahn

From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S273c)
 "There's many a bestseller that could
  have been prevented by a good teacher."
    -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

                           -(o o)-
..........................From Smiley_Central