Subj:     College Graduate Jokes
                 (Includes 21 jokes and articles, 22 1010,2,cf,vXT3,0)

Graduate Owl from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Mallard Cartoon (S1010)
.........................Vet School Students Learn Lesson (S528, S867)
.........................Fox Gets His PHD (DU)
.........................Job Interview (S126, S575b)
.........................Graduate Students (S75, S644)
.........................Why God Never Received Tenure At The University
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
.........................Common Phrases f/Research Papers Translated (S75, DU)
.........................The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students (DU)
.........................Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Fellows; (DU)
.........................You Just Might Be A Grad Student If; (DU)
.........................Graduate Chain Letter (DU)
.........................Short College Graduate Jokes

Also see DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes'
.........HOSPITAL1    - 'Professor Lectures Medical Students'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Archaelogical Dig In Israel'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Three Take Personality Test'
......................- 'Psychology Experiment At A Bar'
Subj:     Mallard Cartoon (S1010)
          By Bruce Tinsley on 5/21/2016
Source: http://comicskingdom.com/mallard-fillmore/2016-05-21
Subj:     Vet School Students Learn Lesson (S528, S867)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/2/2007
      and From: tom on 8/16/2013
 (Also see 'Professor Lectures Medical Students' in Hospital1)

 First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving
 their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.  They all
 gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
 a white sheet.

 The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet
 Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as
 a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
 involving the animal body.  For an example, the Professor
 pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the
 dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.  "Go ahead
 and do the same thing," he told his students.

 The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.  But
 eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening
 of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told
 them "The second most important quality is observation.  I
 stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.  Now
 learn to pay attention."

Subj:     Fox Gets His PHD (DU)

 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says,
 "Hi, junior, what are you up to?"

 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes,"
 said the rabbit.

 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"

 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."

 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while
 the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

 Along comes a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"

 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how
 rabbits devour wolves."

 "Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"

 "Come with me and I'll show you." ......

 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on
 his face and this time he has a diploma in his paw.  The
 camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as every-
 body should have guessed by now, we see an enourmous  mean-
 looking lion sitting next to the bloody and furry remains
 of the wolf and the fox.

 The moral of this story is:
 It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
 it's your PhD advisor that counts.

Subj:     Job Interview (S126, S575b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
 (See 'Job Interview' in JOBS3
  and 'Black Man At Welfare Office' in BLACKS2)

 Reaching the end of the job interview, the Human Resources
 person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what
 starting salary were you looking for?".

 The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood
 of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits
 package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
 and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
 and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?"

 The graduate sat up, mouth agape and said,
 "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 And the interviewer responded, "Of course...
 but you started it!"

Subj:     Graduate Students (S75, S644)
          From: Playboy February 1997

 What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
    Why does it work?
 What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
    How does it work?
 What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
    Do you want fries with that?

Second version From: Internet Joke Archive
 The graduate with a Science degree asks,
    "Why does it work?"
 The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
    "How does it work?"
 The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
    "How much will it cost?"
 The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
    "Do you want fries with that?"

Subj:     Why God Never Received Tenure At The University

   Because He had only one major publication.
   And it was in Hebrew.
   He stated all his results without proofs.
   And it had no references.
   And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
   And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
   He made his graduate student (Mohd/Jesus) do all the work,
      but did not list him as co-author.
   He also never explained why some graduate students*,
      with low GRE scores, were working for him
      in the first place.
   He never presented his own results,
      let his graduate students do all the presentations.
   His data on creation of world in 7 days has been questioned.
   It may be true that He created the world,
      but what has He published/done since?
   His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
   The scientific community has had a very rough time
      trying to repeat His results.
   He never wrote a grant proposal.
   His research, not matter how useful, was never approved.
   He never replied to mail, phone calls, emails, etc
      when other researchers wanted technical data from him.
   He never fully explained his reasons for letting
      Dan Qualye to be born.

Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
          By Bob Thaves on 11/5/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2011/11/05

Subj:     Common Phrases From Research Papers Translated (S75, DU)
          From: Anaise on 98-07-03

 These are the real translations of some common phrases
 from research papers:

 ''It has long been known'' -- I didn't look up
 the original reference.

 ''In my experience'' -- Once.

 ''In case after case'' -- Twice.

 ''In a series of cases'' -- Thrice.

 ''Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study''
   -- The other results didn't make any sense.

 ''Typical results are shown'' -- This is the prettiest graph.

 ''These results will be in a subsequent report''
   -- I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

 ''It is believed that'' -- I think.

 ''It is generally believed that''
   -- A couple of other guys think so too.

 ''A statistically oriented projection of the significance
   of these findings'' -- A wild guess.

 ''A careful analysis of attainable data''
   -- Three pages of notes were obliterated
   when I knocked over a glass of beer.

 ''It is clear that much additional work will be required
   before a complete understanding of this phenomena occurs''
   -- I don't understand it.

 ''After additional study by my colleagues''
   -- They don't understand it either.

 ''It is hoped that this study will stimulate
   further investigation in this field'' -- I  quit.

Subj:     The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students (DU)
          (taken from the Harvard Crimson)

 10.  It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate
      is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
  9.  I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
  8.  My work has a lot of practical importance.
  7.  I would never date an undergraduate.
  6.  Your latest article was so inspiring.
  5.  I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
  4.  I just have one more book to read and
      then I'll start writing.
  3.  The department is giving me so much support.
  2.  My job prospects look really good.
  1.  No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Subj:     Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Fellows: (DU)

 5.  I'm not going to grant any extensions.
 4.  Call me any time.  I'm always available.
 3.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
 2.  Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
 1.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

Subj:     You Just Might Be A Grad Student If (DU)

 ...you can analyze the significance of appliances
    you cannot operate.
 ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
 ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to
    track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
 ...you are searching a single paper.
 ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that
    you consider "yours."
 ...you actually have a preference between microfilm
    and microfiche.
 ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the
    traffic flow at the library.
 ...you look forward to summers because you're more
    productive without the distraction of classes.
 ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
 ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
 ...professors don't really care when you turn
    in work anymore.
 ...you find the bibliographies of books more
    interesting than the actual text.
 ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized
    and are now just trying to keep them all in the same
    general area.
 ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature
    of relaxation.
 ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters
    before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt,
    not an equation.
 ...you find yourself explaining to children that you
    are in "20th grade".
 ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
 ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on
    pasta without getting scurvy
 ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
 ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
 ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking
    to yourself as "personal communication"
 ...the concept of free time scares you.
 ...you hope for more free time in which to study.
 ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
 ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation
    and actually studied.
 ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
 ...the professor doesn't show up to class & you discuss
    the readings anyway.
 ...you can identify universities by their internet domains.
 ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
 ...you include the words "paradigm" & "dialectic"
    in letters to your parents.
 ...you don't trust anything that doesn't have footnotes.
 ...you have difficulty reading anything that
    doesn't have footnotes.
 ...you understand jokes about Foucault.
 ...you understand and laugh at jokes that reference Foucault.
 ...you've travelled across two state lines specifically
    to go to a library.
 ...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which*
    twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
 ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades
    (you'll get over it).
 ...you can read course books and cook at the same time.
 ...you schedule events for academic vacations so
    your friends can come.
 ...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get
    more studying in.
 ...you've ever worn out a library card.
 ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
 ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
 ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

Subj:     Graduate Chain Letter (DU)

 Dear Fellow Scientist:
 This letter has been around the world at least seven times.
 It has been to many major conferences.  Now it has come to
 you.  It will bring you good fortune.  This is true even if
 you don't believe it.  But you must follow these instructions:

 -  include in your next journal article the citations below.
 -  remove the first citation from the list and add a
    citation to your journal article at the bottom.
 -  make ten copies and send them to colleagues.

 Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times!  This
 will amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and
 improve your sex life.  In addition, you will bring joy to
 many colleagues.  Do not break the reference loop, but send
 this letter on today.

 Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing
 it on she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.
 Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure.  In
 Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside.  His
 article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected.  He found
 the letter and passed it on, and his article was published
 that year in the New England Journal of Medicine.  In the
 Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a
 budget cutback his entire department was eliminated.  This
 could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.

 1. Miller, J. (1992).
 Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
 Journal of Cognitive  Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
 2. Johnson, S. (1991).
 Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull
 of the hydrant.  Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
 3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
 An empirical comparison of two models of human mating
 behavior.  Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
 4. David, E. (1994).
 Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
 Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with
 Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation,
 University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del
 Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).

Subj:     Short College Graduate jokes

 Passed on to me from one of our senior faculty.... (S11, S686b)

 The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching
 for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make
 its home for life.  For this task it has a rudimentary
 nervous system.  When it finds its spot and takes root,
 it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it.  It's
 rather like getting tenure.

 What I don't understand I despise, what I despise I reject.

 Since figures and pictures strike the imagination of the
 reader much better, all articles and dissertations should
 be published in cartoon form to reach a larger publicum.

 When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation,
 freeing the slaves, he forgot to include graduate students.

 Grad school is the snooze button on the clock-radio of life.
    -- John Rogers

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
 from many is research.

 Q: What is the difference between a galley slave
    and a graduate student?
 A: They occasionally fed galley slaves.

 Q: Why does a Purdue graduate put his/her diploma
    on the dashboard?
 A: So s/he can park in the handicapped spots.

 Q: What do Divine Brown and graduate students
    have in common?
 A: They both blow Grants!!

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central