Subj:     College1 Jokes
                 (Includes 27 jokes and articles, 01977,7,cf,vXT2,3)

Earth from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  College Admissions (S977)
.........................College Dorm Snake Game - Video (S693b)
.........................Qualifications For US President (S645a, S833)
.........................UCF Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women (S496c)
.........................College Student Talks To Her Dad (S462c)
.........................Speaking Honestly To The Dead Of College (S344)
.........................Air Force Graduation Picture (S550c)
.........................Two College Students Meet Beggar (S167)
.........................Cheek Cells Under A Microscope
.........................Logic And The Weed-Eater (S123, S847)
.........................Letter Home From College Coed (S215)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S677b)
.........................Letter Home From College Son (S136)
.........................College Freshman Women Students
.........................Lieing To The Professor (S75, S337b)
.........................Sexist Professor
.........................Masterbation In Showers At Durham (S586c)
.........................School Letters (S289b)
.........................Professor Discusses Sperm (S41, S430)
.........................Boy Beaten Up
.........................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S699)
.........................Fake Fraternities
.........................True Facts About College by DAVE BARRY (S19)
.........................Top Ten Reasons College Is Like Preschool... (S139)
.........................You KNOW You Are Out Of College (S114)
.........................High School Vs College
.........................Zits Comic Strip (S729)

Also see ASIAN-SUPP   - 'Bunker Roy: Learning From A Barefoot Movement' - Movie
         BIRDS file   - 'MIT Student Feeds Birds'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Vs Roe & Wade'
         BREAST file  - 'Four Advantages Of Breast Milk'
         COLLEGE-PROF - 'Missing The Final Because Of A Funeral'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'CS Class'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Three Men At The Urinals'
         DOG3 file    - 'Fido Goes To College'
         DRINKING_BR2 - 'Unsafe Water At Fraternity House'
         EDEN file    - 'Non Sequitur Comic Strip III'
         ENGLISH file - 'Tandem Writing'
......................- 'English Professor & Punctuation'
         FOOD-ETC     - 'How To Cook A Berkeley Student'
         FOOTBALL     - 'Two Football Players Take Final Exam'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Stop The Timeline...I Want Off'
         HOW MANY file- 'How Many SEC Students...To Change A Light Bulb?
         JOBS1 file   - 'Coffee w/Milk'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Child Decides To Run Away'
         LIBRARY file - 'B.O.O.K'
......................- 'Finding A Seat In A Crowded Library'
.........MONKEY file  - 'College Girl Buys Monkey'
         PENIS3 file  - 'Penis Research'
         PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves Lives!'
         PHYSICS2 file- 'Finding Height With A Barometer'
......................- 'Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Chelsea Returns From College'
.........PROFESSOR    - 'Poor College Student'
......................- 'Philosophy Professor Discusses God'
......................- 'Question On The Night School Test'
......................- (the whole file)
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Dumpster Experiment'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Redneck College Exam'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Going To College In England'
         SEX3 file    - 'Sex Positions Discussed In College'
         SOLDIER1 file- 'Girl Asks Colonel When He Last Had Sex'
         SPEECHES file- 'Steve Jobs' Commencement Address At Stanford'
......................- 'Anna Quindlen's Commencement Address at Villanova'
......................- 'Kurt Vonnegut's Commencement Address At MIT'
         TEST2 file   - 'SAT Test Answers'
         THOUGHTSLRND2- 'What Really Matters'
......................- 'Rose, A 87 Year Old College Student'
         THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'What If Money Were No Object' - Movie
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Thoughts On Time Management'
         TREES file   - 'Son Gives Dad A Chain Saw'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'College Paper Earns A 'C''
Subj:     College Admissions (S977)
          Created by Jim Borgman in Zits Comics
 Source: http://www.whitespace.org.uk/getting-
Subj:     College Dorm Snake Game (S693b,d)
          From: Wimp.com on 4/29/2010
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/dO3dhWHrNeM
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/snakegame/

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute college dorm stunt.

Subj:     Qualifications For US President (S645a, S833)
          From: tom on 5/15/2009
      and From: AFine963 on 12/27/2012

 In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were
 discussing the qualifications to be President of the
 United States.  It was pretty simple - the candidate must
 be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.
 However, one girl in the class immediately started in on
 how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

 In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented
 many capable individuals from becoming president.  The
 class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's
 jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by
 stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more
 qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

 Yep, these are the 18 year olds who just voted for the
 President of the United States, and she wasn't even a
 blonde!  God help us...

Subj:     UCF Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women (S496c)
          From: jerry on 7/23/2006
 Source: (Remove from local6.com/firstnews)

 A student at the University of Central Florida is accused of
 setting a fire on campus as a way to meet women, according
 to a Local 6 News report.

 Police said Matthew Damsky admitted to lighting a couch on
 fire at the Academic Village Dorms last week.  Damsky told
 officers he hoped he would be able to meet women as the
 building was being evacuated.

 He was arrested for arson and booked in to the Orange County
 Jail.  There were no injuries in connection with the fire.

Subj:     College Student Talks To Her Dad (S462c)
          From: thebartend on 4/20/2006

 A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
 Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
 very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the
 redistribution of wealth.

 She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
 Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.  Based on the
 lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional
 chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years
 harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought
 should be his.

 One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to
 higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government
 welfare programs.  The self-professed objectivity proclaimed
 by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so
 to her father.  He responded by asking how she was doing in
 school.  Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she
 had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain,
 insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and
 was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and
 party like other people she knew.  She didn't even have time
 for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends
 because she spent all her time studying.

 Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey
 doing?"  She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by.  All she
 takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has
 a 2.0 GPA.  She is so popular on campus, college for her is a
 blast.  She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of
 times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too
 hung over."

 Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
 Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and
 give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.  That way you will
 both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and
 equal distribution of GPA."

 The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion,
 angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!  I have worked
 really hard for my grades!  I've invested a lot of time, and
 a lot of hard work!  Audrey has done next to nothing toward
 her degree.  She played while I worked my tail off!"

 The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome
 to the Republican Party."

Subj:     Speaking Honestly To The Dead Of College (S344)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/16/2003

 Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what
 you REALLY think about him/her?

 Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean,
 then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get
 kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings,
 so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday
 was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
 Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with
 a ribbon).

 Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch
 what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her
 podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

 "Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could
 practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And
 then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell
 you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would
 for the last four years.

 Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in
 the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

 "In order to receive your diploma, please present this
 certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades
 have been posted!"

Subj:     Air Force Graduation Picture (S550c)
          From: StrangeCosmos.com on 7/31/2007
 Source: http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/119807.html

 This is a picture of the Air Force graduation ceremony with
 the Blue Angles and their hats flying.  You can view it by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Two College Students Meet Beggar (S167)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/11/00

 Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New
 York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for
 spare change.  Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
 Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a
 couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar
 with a smile.

 The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the
 other passengers.  Frank is outraged by his friend's act
 of generosity.

 "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know
 he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

 Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Subj:     Cheek Cells Under A Microscope
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98

 I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
 and was taking a cell biology course my freshman year.  The
 task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under
 a microscope.  We had to scrape the inside of our mouth
 with a toothpick and make a slide from it and id the
 different types of cells that were found.  One girl in the
 class (a rather well built sorority gal, which is why I sat
 next to her) was having some trouble identifing some cells.
 She called the professor over to ask him.  After a moment
 or two of peering in her scope, he looked up, and said in a
 loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

 The girl turned bright red and ran out of the room.  Need-
 less to say, she dropped the class. (Although I spent two
 weeks looking for her, I never did see her again.)  Such is

Subj:     Logic And The Weed-Eater (S123, S847)
          From: KMacinty on 6/4/99
      and From: tom on 4/5/2013

 (Also see 'Two Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish' in BAR1)

 Two guys who wanted to get a job at a computer company 'way
 up North decided they'd better get a college education so
 they could interact with intelligent people, learn to read
 books, think, and be contributing citizens of the global village.

 They enrolled in the local junior college, and the first guy
 went in to see his advisor, who said, "Randy, I want you to
 take history, math, and logic."  "What's logic?" asked Randy.

 "Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example.  Do
 you own a weed-eater?"  "Why, yes, I do," replied Randy. "OK,"
 continued the professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!"
 "Amazing," gushed the young rube.  "And," continued the professor,
 "since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house."
 "I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy.

 "And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you probably
 have a wife. And, since you have a wife, I conclude that you are a
 heterosexual."  "Gaaaa-lee!" said Randy.  "That logic is sump'n
 else!"  He goes outside, and his friend, Buck, asks him what
 classes he's going to take.  "I'm gonna take history, math, and
 logic."  "What's logic?" asks Buck.

 "OK," says Randy, "I'll give you an example: Do you own a weed-

 "Uh, no," relies Buck.

 Andy pauses a bit and says "You're QUEER, ain'tcha?"

Subj:     Letter Home From College Coed (S215)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/16/2001

 (See 'A letter to Mom...' in LETTERS1)

 Dear Mom and Dad:

 It has been six months since I left for college.  I'm sorry
 I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my
 unthoughtfulness.  I'm sure you have been worried about me.
 Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please
 sit down Ok?  Don't read any further unless you're sitting
 down.   Ok?  Good.

 I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and
 the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my
 dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are
 pretty much healed now.  I only spent two weeks in the
 hospital!  Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.
 In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
 headaches three  times a day now.

 Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and  my jump were
 witnessed by a gas station attendant who called 911.  He's
 so sweet.  He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
 had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was
 kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.

 It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.  He
 really is a good person with a kind heart.  We have fallen
 deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven't
 set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before
 I start to show.  That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant!

 I know how much you are looking forward to being grand-
 parents, and I know that you will give that baby the same
 love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was
 growing up.  We would get married now but we both failed out
 premarital blood tests because of some minor infection.  He
 told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly
 caught it anyway.  Not to worry though, the doctor said my
 daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next

 I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
 He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious
 -- just like Dad!  Also, he is of a different race and
 religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of
 teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he
 is somewhat darker than we are.  I'm sure you will love him
 as I do.

 His family background is good too!   I am told that his
 father is an important gun bearer in his native African
 village.  That's an important government position where he
 comes from.

 Well, I guess that's all!  Now you know why I wanted you to
 sit down when you this letter.

 Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let
 you know -- there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a
 concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital.
 I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and
 there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life;
 however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both
 to see this in its proper perspective.

 Your loving daughter,


 P.S.  Stanford is great...  I love it, though I miss you both
 terribly..and socks, too!
 P.S.S.  Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

     by John Graziano on 12/30/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/12/30
Subj:     Letter Home From College Son (S136)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/2/99

 Dear Dad,

 $chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and
 $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
 think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
 ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

 Your $on

 The Reply:
 Dear Son,

 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
 are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do
 NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
 task, and you can never study eNOugh.


Subj:     College Freshman Women Students

 The dean of women, addressing the freshman class at an
 exclusive upper class womens college, concluded her
 welcoming address with, "And remember, young ladies, you
 represent notonly your own honor but that of the school.
 When approached by young men, ask yourself, Is an hour's
 fun worth a lifetime of disgrace?   Now, are there any

 A pretty young thing young raised her hand instantly and
 said, "Please tell me, mam, how do you make it last an hour?"

Subj:     Lieing To The Professor (S75, S337b)
          From: HuntMcmahunt on 7/8/2003

 Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a
 zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course
 is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry."  He has been
 around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up
 with something like this.

 Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking
 Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes
 and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
 final they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident
 going into the final that the weekend before finals week
 (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to
 go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.  So
 they did this and had a great time.  However, with their
 hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
 didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
 Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to
 find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why
 they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to
 UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time
 to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back
 and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long
 time and so were late getting back to campus.  Bonk thought
 this over and then agreed that they could make up the final
 on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.

 So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the
 time that Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate
 rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them
 to begin.  They looked at the first problem, which was some-
 thing simple about molaolutions and was worth 5 points.
 "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They did
 that problem and then turned the page.  They were unprepared,
 however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

 (95 points)  Which tire?

Subj:     Sexist Professor

 (Also see 'Pilot Speaks w/Mike Open' in PLANE1
       and 'Telling Dirty Jokes At A Bridge Club' in GAMES)

 A professor at a college frequently uses sexist and degrading
 terms that refer to women in his lectures.  One day, a group
 of girls decide that the next time the professor says some-
 thing sexist or degrading they would get up and walk out of
 his lecture.

 During the next class, the professor said that there was a
 shortage of whores in France.  Hearing this, the group of
 girls got up and began to walk out of the lecture.  Seeing
 the girls leaving, the professor said, "Why are you leaving
 now, the next plane to France isn't until 7 PM."

Subj:     Masterbation In Showers At Durham (S586c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/11/2008
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 Neither Snopes.com nor Yahoo Search have any reference to
 this sign so I do not know if it is real or not.  You can
 view this ridiculous sign by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     School Letters (S289b)
          From: pns on 8/10/2002

 Last year, a doctor was giving physicals to a bunch of
 women who were getting ready to go back to college.

 The first girl he saw took off her top and the doctor
 noticed a big bruise in the shape of an 'H' on her chest.
 The doctor asked "How'd you get that bruise?"  The girl
 answered "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and likes to make
 love while wearing his letter sweater."

 The second girl he saw took off her top and the doctor
 noticed a bruise in the shape of a 'Y' on her chest.  The
 doctor asked "How'd you get that bruise?"  The girl
 answered "My boyfriend goes to Yale, and likes to make
 love while wearing his letter sweater."

 The third girl he saw took off her top and the doctor
 noticed a bruise in the shape of a 'M' on her chest.  The
 doctor asks "Does your boyfriend go to Michigan?"  "No"
 the girl says "my girlfriend goes to the University of

Subj:     Professor Discusses Sperm (S41, S430)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 07 Nov 97

 Biology Class--true story!!

 In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high
 glucose levels found in semen.  A young female (FRESHMAN)
 raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying
 there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

 "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add
 statistical info.  Raising her hand again, the girl asked,
 "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

 After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
 the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized
 exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
 she picked up her books without a word and walked out of
 class...  and never returned.

 However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's
 reply was classic...

 Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It
 doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness
 are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your

Subj:     Courage

 This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it
 as true:

 A student taking a philosophy class had a single question
 on his final: "What is courage?".  The student wrote: "This.",
 signed it, and turned it in.  I never knew what happened to
 the student, but I hope he got an A.

Subj:     Boy Beaten Up

 Someone reported to the police that a boy had been beaten
 up.  After rescueing the boy and making sure he was okay,
 the police told him that they would take him to his mother.

 The boy said, "Don't take me there; she beats me."

 "Okay, then we'll take you to your dad."

 "No.  He beats me, too."

 "Then, where would you like us to take you?"

 The boy said, "Send me to Ohio State; they don't beat anybody."]

Subj:     Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S699 in Waiter)
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 6/6/10
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2010/06/06

 Click 'HERE' to see this very cute, Sunday comic strip.

Subj:     Fake Fraternities

 Alpha Beta Soup,       Alpha Do Me,        Eta Pizza Pi,
 Eta Smegma Pi,         I Ata Pi,           I Phelta Thi,
 I Tappa Keg,           Iota Eta Theta,     Komana Wanna Laya,
 Kuppa Kappa Chino,     Mu Mu Pi,           Pi Rho,
 Psi Phi,               Rho Omega Tau (the letters somewhat look like POT),
 Sigma Tau Delta (STD), Signa Phi Nothing,  Tappa Kegga Bru

Subj:     True Facts About College by  DAVE BARRY (S19)
          From: Wyatt's Joke Page

 Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking
 about going to college.  (That is, of course, a lie.  The
 only things you young persons think seriously about are
 loud music and sex.  Trust me: these are closely related
 to college.)

 College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for
 roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things.
 The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you
 spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

 Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
 * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
   These include how to make collect telephone calls and
   get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
 * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998
   hours).  These are the things you learn in classes whose
   names end in -ology,
   -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you
   memorize these things, then write them down in little
   exam books, then forget them.  If you fail to forget
   them, you become a professor and have to stay in college
   for the rest of your life.
   It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example,
   when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask
   me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other
   than John Donne.  I have managed to forget one of them,
   but I still remember that the other two were named
   Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to
   remember something important like whether my wife told
   me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water,
   Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there
   in the supermarket.  It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

 After you've been in college for a year or so, you're
 supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend
 to memorize and forget the most things about.  Here is a
 very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major
 that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
 This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics,
 biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual
 facts.  If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're
 going to wander into class one day and the professor will
 say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhom-
 boid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five
 significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
 the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.  The same
 is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that
 carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor
 will flunk you.  He wants you to come up with the same
 answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
 Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

 So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
 psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody
 really understands what anybody else is talking about,
 and which involve virtually no actual facts.  I attended
 classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick
 overview of each:

 ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books
 you have read little snippets of just before class.  Here
 is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers:
 Never say anything about a book that anybody with any
 common sense would say.  For example, suppose you are
 studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
 would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the
 characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale
 roughly eleven thousand times.  So in *your* paper, *you*
 say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.  Your
 professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and
 never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
 enormously creative.  If you can regularly come up with
 lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should
 major in English.

 PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room
 and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then
 going to lunch.  You should major in philosophy if you
 plan to take a lot of drugs.

 PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
 Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams.  I
 once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch
 little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my
 roommate to do the same thing.  The rat learned much
 faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.  If you like rats
 or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you
 should major in psychology.

 SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology
 is far and away the number one subject.  I sat through
 hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of
 sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a
 coherent statement.  This is because sociologists want
 to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
 their time translating simple, obvious observations into
 scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in
 sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing.
 For example, suppose you have observed that children cry
 when they fall down.  You should write: "Methodological
 observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
 of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual
 relationship exists between groundward tropism and
 lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms."  If you can
 keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a
 large government grant.

Subj:     Top Ten Reasons College Is Like Preschool... (S139)
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 10.  You cry for your mother.
  9.  You cross the street without looking for cars.
  8.  Snack time is a necessity.
  7.  You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
      (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
  6.  You stay at home and play games with your friends.
  5.  You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
  4.  You wear big mittens.
  3.  Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
  2.  You take naps.
  1.  You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

Subj:     You KNOW You Are Out Of College (S114)
          From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14

 You KNOW you are out of college when.............
 You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
 Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
 College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
 Your parents charge rent.
 Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead
    of your roommate.
 The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza,
    ramen and cereal.
 It's 'getting late' at 9:30 p.m.
 Three words: School Loan Payments.
 You make thousands of dollars a year --
    and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
 You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
 Pickup football games mean that at least one person
    will be in the hospital by game's end.
 Discussions with your friends --
    THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
    NOW: IRA's, interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
 Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
 Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
 Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
 Dinner and a movie -- The whole date instead of the
    beginning of one.
 Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of
    tax deductions instead of coronaries.
 Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
 The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
 The weak single you hit in the intramural softball
    game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for
    the League Championship.
 You get your news from sources other than USA Today,
    ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.
 Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
 You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you
    even owned while taking classes.
 You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour
    Calculus exams.
 You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".
 Football "season tickets", which used to be $75 for
    the season with dozens of friends are now $750 for
    the season with the three other guys who want to
    get away from the family.
 Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
 You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
 Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
 When drinking, you say at least once per night,
    'I just can't put it down like I used to'.
 You are the only person over the age of 16
    in your neighborhood with a Sega.
 Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
    is for real work, not video games.
 You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink
    in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
 Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

From: ossama on 3/29/99
 Your potted plants stay alive..
 Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
 You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
 You carry an umbrella.
 You watch the Weather Channel.
 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
 Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
 Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
 You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
 You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
    not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
 A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
 You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
 'I just can't drink the way I used to'  replaces
    'I'm never going to drink that much again'
 Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
    is for real work.
 You don't get liquored up at home, to save money,
    before going to a bar.

Subj:     High School Vs College
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 25.  In high school, you do homework.  In college,
      you study.
 24.  No food is allowed in the hall in high school.
      In college, food
      must be provided at an event before students will come.
 23.  In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder;
      in college, on both.
 22.  In college, the professors can tell you the answer
      without looking at the teacher's guide.
 21.  In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
 20.  In high school, you have to live with your parents.
      In college, you get to live with your friends.
 19.  In college, you don't have to wait in a certain
      lunch line to be cool.
 18.  Only nerds e-mailed in high school.  (Cool kids
      hadn't heard of it.)
 17.  In high school, you're told what classes to take.  In
      college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the
      classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites
      and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
 16.  In high school, if you screw up you can usually
      sweet-talk your way out of it.  In college, you're
      lucky to ever talk with the professor.
 15.  In high school, fire drills are planned by the
      administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on
      their way home when the bars close.
 14.  In college, any test consists of a larger percentage
      of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
 13.  In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning,"
      you mumbled back.  In college, when the professor says,
      "Good morning," you write it down.
 12.  In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls.
      In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
 11.  In college, weekends start on Thursday.
 10.  In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the
      course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on,
      in order to figure out where she will be walking around
      campus and at what time to find them there.
  9.  Once you've obtained the information described in #10,
      it's much more time-consuming to run between classes
      to that place where you know he/she will be in order
      to "just happen to bump into him/her."
  8.  In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat
      pizza three meals a day.
  7.  In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
  6.  In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get
      money from Mom and Dad.
  5.  College men are cuter than high school boys.
  4.  College women are legal.
  3.  In college, when you miss a class (or two or three),
      you don't need a note from your parents saying you
      were skip....uh, sick that day.
  2.  In high school, you can't go out to lunch because
      it's not allowed.  In college, you can't go out to
      lunch because you can't afford it.
  1.  In college, you can blow off studying by writing
      lists like this.

Subj:     Zits Comic Strip (S729)
          by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman on 1/4/2011
 Source: http://comicskingdom.com/zits
                           -(o o)-
...........................From Smiley_Central.