college2

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Subj: College2 Jokes
(Includes 56 jokes and articles, 16783,2,cf)

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Subj:     College Graduation Prank (S550b)
          From: SCOTCOB on 7/31/2007
          From: StrangeCosmos.com on 7/31/2007

Source: http://www.strangecosmos.com

You can view this cute picture on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     College Dorm Pranks (S521b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/12/07

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was
ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the
door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the
pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy
guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then he realized it...... we'd removed the drainpipe
beneath the sink.

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Subj:     Do You Know Who I Am? (S226, S655b)
          From: thebartend on 5/31/2001
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 7/23/2009
(Also see "Student Vs Professor" in College-Prof.)

It was the final examination for an introductory English
course at the local university. Like many such freshman
courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having
over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were
provided. The professor was very strict and told the class
that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours
would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour
into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the pro-
fessor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time
to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he
handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the
student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the
students filed up and handed them in. All except the late
student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class.

He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets
already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO
I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the pro-
fessor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and
I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack
of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked
out of the room.

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Subj:     The Class Of 2005 (S318b)
          From: gheckman on 2/18/2003

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try
to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1983.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.

They are too young to remember the Challenger space
shuttle blowing up.

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record"
means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and
have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact
Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but
they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up"
commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them
as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
(The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile
for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,
not bands.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to
some other 20 old fogies... but don't send it back to me,
I feel old enough.

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Subj:     Frazz Comic Strip (S639c)
          By Jef Mallett
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 4/6/2009

Source: http://comics.com/frazz/

This Frazz comic strip discusses today's college freshmen
born in the 1990s. Click 'HERE' to read this cute strip.

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Subj:     Freshman Entering College in l999 (S155)
          From: collins2 on 01/17/2000
          (Also see 'Stop The Timeline...I Want Off' in FACTS2)

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming
freshmen.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not
remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression
you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never to have played Pac Man and have
never heard of Video Ping-Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact
Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor
have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced
by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII
and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walked a mile
for a Camel", nor "de plane, de plane."

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew
where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,
not musical groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies.

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Subj:     Cakes And Ale During Exams (S154)
          From: KMacinty on 01/13/2000

This is purported to be a true story someone found regarding
exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an
examination, a bright young student popped up and asked the
proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog
ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require
that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four-
hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and
still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which
read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations
may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers
were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there,
writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not
wearing a sword to the examination.

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Subj:     Artie Schmitz's Guide To Studying In College (S137)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/1/99

Artie Schmitz attended Harvard for a year before professors
realized he wasn't enrolled in the school. Since then, he
has transferred from one college to another. Currently, he
is an eighth-year junior at Florida's renowned Dade County
Community College. From there he writes to us, giving fuzzy,
unsound advice on how to succeed in college if you absolutely
don't want to succeed. So, here it goes:

1. The secret to taking good notes is taking them from
     someone who goes to class.
2. Cliff Notes do not give you the same experience of
     reading the book, which is why you should read
     Cliff Notes.
3. Cheaters never win, but if they copy from the right
     people they could tie with the best.
4. Just because they call them Work/Study Jobs, doesn't
     mean you have to do either one.
5. Never wait to the last minute to start a paper - get
     an extension.
6. If you're going to cram the night before the test,
     make sure you cram everything onto a piece of paper
     you can fit into your sleeve.
7. Never judge a book by its cover. Save your opinion
     until you read the back of the book.
8. In case you need an excuse for missing an important
     exam, explain that you didn't know about the, "Beer
     before liquor," rule.
9. On essay questions, write long and sloppy. Professors
     have many papers to grade, and tons of jibberish will
     always get a passing grade.
10. Don't be concerned about failing. The only people
     concerned about your GPA are employers.

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Subj:     Speech By Charlton Heston at Harvard (S112)
          From: Tom_Adams on 3/15/99

"Winning The Cultural War" by Charlton Heston
Harvard Law School Forum on Tuesday, 16 February 1999

I remember my son when he was five, explaining to his
kindergarten class what his father did for a living.
"My Daddy," he said, "pretends to be people."

There have been quite a few of them. Prophets from the
Old and New Testaments, a couple of Christian saints,
generals of various nationalities and different centuries,
several kings, three American presidents, a French cardinal
and two geniuses, including Michelangelo. If you want the
ceiling re-painted I'll do my best. There always seem
to be a lot of different fellows up here. I'm never sure
which one of them gets to talk. Right now, I guess I'm the
guy.

As I pondered our visit tonight it struck me: If my Creator
gave me the gift to connect you with the hearts and minds of
those great men, then I want to use that same gift now to
re-connect you with your own sense of liberty ... your own
freedom of thought ... your own compass for what is right.
Dedicating the memorial at Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln said
of America, "We are now engaged in a great Civil War, testing
whether this nation or any nation so conceived and so
dedicated can long endure."

Those words are true again. I believe that we are again
engaged in a great civil war, a cultural war that's about to
hijack your birthright to think and say what resides in your
heart. I fear you no longer trust the pulsing lifeblood of
liberty inside you ... the stuff that made this country rise
from wilderness into the miracle that it is.

Let me back up. About a year ago I became president of the
National Rifle Association, which protects the right to keep
and bear arms. I ran for office, I was elected, and now I
serve ... I serve as a moving target for the media who've
called me everything from "ridiculous" and "duped" to a
"brain-injured, senile, crazy old man." I know ... I'm
pretty old...but I sure Lord ain't senile.

As I have stood in the crosshairs of those who target
Second Amendment freedoms, I've realized that firearms are
not the only issues. No, it's much, much bigger than that.
I've come to understand that a cultural war is raging across
our Land, in which, with Orwellian fervor, certain
acceptable thoughts and speech are mandated.

For example, I marched for civil rights with Dr. King in
1963 --Long before Hollywood found it fashionable. But
when I told an audience last year that white pride is just
as valid as black pride or red pride or anyone else's pride,
they called me a racist. I've worked with brilliantly
talented homosexuals all my life. But when I told an
audience that gay rights should extend no further than your
rights or my rights, I was called a homophobe. I served in
World War II against the Axis powers. But during a speech,
when I drew an analogy between singling out innocent Jews
and singling out innocent gun owners, I was called an anti-
Semite.

Everyone I know knows I would never raise a closed fist
against my country. But when I asked an audience to oppose
this cultural persecution, I was compared to Timothy McVeigh.

From Time magazine to friends and colleagues, they're
essentially saying, "Chuck, how dare you speak your mind.
You are using language not authorized for public consumption!"

But I am not afraid. If Americans believed in political
correctness, we'd still be King George's boys-subjects bound
to the British crown. In his book, "The End of Sanity,"
Martin Gross writes that "Blatantly irrational behavior is
rapidly being established as the norm in almost every area
of human endeavor. There seem to be new customs, new rules,
and new anti-intellectual theories regularly foisted on us
from every direction. Underneath, the nation is roiling.
Americans know something without a name is undermining the
nation, turning the mind mushy when it comes to separating
truth from falsehood and right from wrong. And they don't
like it."

Let me read a few examples.

At Antioch college in Ohio, young men seeking intimacy with
a coed must get verbal permission at each step of the
process from kissing to petting to final copulation ... all
clearly spelled out in a printed college directive.

In New Jersey, despite the death of several patients
nationwide who had been infected by dentists who had
concealed their AIDs --- the state commissioner announced
that health providers who are HIV-positive need not... need
not... tell their patients that they are infected.

At William and Mary, students tried to change the name of
the school team "The Tribe" because it was supposedly
insulting to local Indians, only to learn that authentic
Virginia chiefs truly like the name.

In San Francisco, city fathers passed an ordinance protecting
the rights of transvestites to cross-dress on the job, and
for transsexuals to have separate toilet facilities while
undergoing sex change surgery.

In New York City, kids who don't speak a word of Spanish
have been placed in bilingual classes to learn their three
R's in Spanish solely because their last names sound Hispanic.

At the University of Pennsylvania, in a state where thousands
died at Gettysburg opposing slavery, the president of that
college officially set up segregated dormitory space for
black students.

Yeah, I know ... that's out of bounds now. Dr. King said
"Negroes." Jimmy Baldwin and most of us on the March said,
"black." But it's a no-no now. For me, hyphenated
identities are awkward ... particularly "Native-American."
I'm a Native American, for God's sake. I also happen to
be a blood-initiated brother of the Miniconjou Sioux. On
my wife's side, my grandson is a thirteenth generation
native American... with a capital letter on "American."

Finally, just last month... David Howard, head of the
Washington D.C. Office of Public Advocate, used the word
"niggardly" while talking to colleagues about budgetary
matters. Of course, "niggardly" means stingy or scanty.
But within days Howard was forced to publicly apologize
and resign. As columnist Tony Snow wrote: "David Howard
got fired because some people in public employ were
morons who (a) didn't know the meaning of niggardly,' (b)
didn't know how to use a dictionary to discover the
meaning, and (c) actually demanded that he apologize for
their ignorance."

What does all of this mean? It means that telling us
what to think has evolved into telling us what to say,
so telling us what to do can't be far behind. Before
you claim to be a champion of free thought, tell me:
Why did political correctness originate on America's
campuses? And why do you continue to tolerate it? Why
do you, who're supposed to debate ideas, surrender to
their suppression? Let's be honest. Who here thinks
your professors can say what they really believe? It
scares me to death, and should scare you too, that the
superstition of political correctness rules the halls
of reason.

You are the best and the brightest. You, here in the
fertile cradle of American academia, here in the castle
of learning on the Charles River, you are the cream.
But I submit that you, and your counterparts across
the land, are the most socially conformed and politically
silenced generation since Concord Bridge. And as long as
you validate that... and abide it... you are - by your
grandfathers' standards - cowards.

Here's another example. Right now at more than one major
university, Second Amendment scholars and researchers are
being told to shut up about their findings or they'll
lose their jobs. Why? Because their research findings
would undermine big-city mayor's pending lawsuits that
seek to extort hundreds of millions of dollars from
firearm manufacturers. I don't care what you think about
guns. But if you are not shocked at that, I am shocked at
you. Who will guard the raw material of unfettered ideas,
if not you? Who will defend the core value of academia,
if you supposed soldiers of free thought and expression
lay down your arms and plead, "Don't shoot me."?

If you talk about race, it does not make you a racist. If
you see distinctions between the genders, it does not make
you a sexist. If you think critically about a denomination,
it does not make you anti-religion. If you accept but don't
celebrate homosexuality, it does not make you a homophobe.
Don't let America's universities continue to serve as
incubators for this rampant epidemic of new McCarthyism.

But what can you do? How can anyone prevail against such
pervasive social subjugation? The answer's been here all
along. I learned it 36 years ago, on the steps of the
Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., standing with Dr.
Martin Luther King and two hundred thousand people.

You simply ... disobey. Peaceably, yes. Respectfully, of
course. Nonviolently, absolutely. But when told how to
think or what to say or howto behave, we don't. We
disobey social protocol that stifles and stigmatizes
personal freedom. I learned the awesome power of
disobedience from Dr. King... who learned it from Gandhi,
and Thoreau, and Jesus, and every other great man who
led those in the right against those with the might.
Disobedience is in our DNA. We feel innate kinship with
that Disobedient spirit that tossed tea into Boston Harbor,
that sent Thoreau to jail, that refused to sit in the
back of the bus, that protested a war in Vietnam. In that
same spirit, I am asking you to disavow cultural correct-
ness with massive disobedience of rogue authority, social
directives and onerous law that weaken personal freedom.

But be careful ... it hurts. Disobedience demands that you
put yourself at risk. Dr. King stood on lots of balconies.
You must be willing to be humiliated... to endure the
modern-day equivalent of the police dogs at Montgomery and
the water cannons at Selma. You must be willing to
experience discomfort. I'm not complaining, but my own
decades of social activism have taken their toll on me.

Let me tell you a story. A few years back I heard about
a rapper named Ice-T who was selling a CD called "Cop
Killer" celebrating ambushing and murdering police
officers. It was being marketed by none other than
Time/Warner, the biggest entertainment conglomerate
in the world. Police across the country were outraged.
Rightfully so - at least one had been murdered. But
Time/Warner was stonewalling because the CD was a cash
cow for them, and the media were tiptoeing around it
because the rapper was black. I heard Time/Warner had
a stockholders meeting scheduled in Beverly Hills. I
owned some shares at the time, so I decided to attend.
What I did there was against the advice of my family and
colleagues I asked for the floor. To a hushed room of a
thousand average American stockholders, I simply read
the full lyrics of "Cop Killer" - every vicious, vulgar,
instructional word.
"I GOT MY 12 GAUGE SAWED OFF
I GOT MY HEADLIGHTS TURNED OFF
I'M ABOUT TO BUST SOME SHOTS OFF
I'M ABOUT TO DUST SOME COPS OFF..."

It got worse, a lot worse. I won't read the rest of it
to you. But trust me, the room was a sea of shocked,
frozen, blanched faces. The Time/Warner executives
squirmed in their chairs and stared at their shoes. They
hated me for that. Then I delivered another volley of
sick lyric brimming with racist filth, where Ice-T
fantasizes about sodomizing two 12-year old nieces of
Al and Tipper Gore. "SHE PUSHED HER BUTT AGAINST MY ... ."

Well, I won't do to you here what I did to them. Let's
just say I left the room in echoing silence. When I read
the lyrics to the waiting press corps, one of them said
"We can't print that." "I know," I replied, "but
Time/Warner's selling it." Two months later, Time/Warner
terminated Ice-T's contract. I'll never be offered
another film by Warners, or get a good review from Time
magazine. But disobedience means you must be willing to
act, not just talk.

When a mugger sues his elderly victim for defending
herself... jam the switchboard of the district attorney's
office. When your university is pressured to lower
standards until 80% of the students graduate with honors...
choke the halls of the board of regents. When an 8-year-
old boy pecks a girl's cheek on the playground and gets
hauled into court for sexual harassment... march on that
school and block its doorways.

When someone you elected is seduced by political power and
betrays you... petition them, oust them, banish them.
When Time magazine's cover portrays millennium nuts as
deranged, Crazy Christians holding a cross as it did last
month... boycott their magazine and the products it
advertises.

So that this nation may long endure, I urge you to follow
in the hallowed footsteps of the great disobedience's of
history that freed exiles, founded religions, defeated
tyrants, and yes, in the hands of an aroused rabble in
arms and a few great men, by God's grace, built this
country. If Dr. King were here, I think he would agree.
Thank you

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Subj:     College Biology Class (S90, S570b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-19
          (Also see 'JC Biology Class' SCHOOL1)

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you
please name the organ of the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I
don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure
you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr.
Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson. "Two, you have a
dirty mind. "And three, you will some day be faced with
a dreadful disappointment."

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Subj:     Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President (S87)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-27

The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people
and it cost him dearly. A lady in a faded gingham dress and
her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped
off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an
appointment into the president's outer office. The secretary
could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had
no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be
in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president,"
the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary
snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the
secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally
become discouraged and go away. They didn't. The secretary
grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president,
even thought it was a chore she always regretted to do.
"Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave,"
she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to
spend with them. He detested gingham dresses and homespun
suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-
faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady
told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year.
He loved Harvard. He was happy here. About a year ago, he
was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to
erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president
wasn't touched he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly,
"We can't put up a statue for every person who attended
Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a
cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't
want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a
building to Harvard. The president rolled his eyes. He
glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then
exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how
much a building costs? We have over seven and a half
million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was
pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady
turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all is
costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our
own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted
in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland
Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California
where they established the University that bears their
name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared
about.

The above story is an Urban Legend as reported at
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/stanford.asp

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Subj:     Universal Grade Change Form
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should
be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade
than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade
than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and
        I won't get into:
        ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
        ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
        ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:
_______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and
my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I
used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted
every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but
your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:
        ____Males
        ____Jews
        ____Blacks
        ____Females
        ____Catholics
        ____Whites
        ____Protestants
        ____Muslems
        ____Minorities
        ____Chicanos
        ____People
        ____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will
disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course
       because of the following illness:
       ____mono
       ____broken baby finger
       ____acute alcoholism
       ____pregnancy
       ____VD
       ____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us
exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:
        ____too detailed to pick out important points
        ____not explained in sufficient detail
        ____too boring
        ____all jokes and not enough material
        ____all of the above

__17. This course was:
        ____too early, I was not awake.
        ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
        ____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on)
my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________

                            \\\//
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Subj:     If College Students Wrote The Bible...: (S132, S330)
          From: Anaise on 98-04-09
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 5/25/2003

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if
it were written by college students:

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning
        - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five,
        double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten
     because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail
     to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs:
     Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for
        40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and
        look like Freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and
        resting on the seventh, He would have put it off
        until the night before it was due and then pulled
        an all-nighter.

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Subj:     Short College Jokes And Quotes

Top
Subj: Computer Science Majors In College (S440b)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_jokes.php?id=20050624
More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are
opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry,
it's just that they want to spend a few more years in
America before having to move to India.

Top
Subj: Business Student Earns A 'C' (S390)
From: igiggle on 7/16/2004
A Yale professor explaining the poor grade he gave business
student Fred Smith in 1966 for his research paper proposing
an overnight delivery system: "The concept is interesting
and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C the
idea must be feasible."

After college, Smith founded Federal Express.

Top
Subj: Asking Idiots To Stand Up (S354b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/13/2003
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please
stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long
silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister,
why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
lecturer with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said
the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there
all by yours.

Top
Subj: Blonde Takes College Final (S293)
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for
Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the
rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my
answers."

Top
Subj: College Students' Prayer (S201)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/8/2000
My father/mother/or gender-nuetral appellation, who art in
Heaven unless you believe my Intro to Philosophy Professor,
hallowed by thy name. Though I walk through the valley of
the Shadow of Debt, please deliver me from student loan
creditors. And if I should die before I wake, it was
probably the food from the cafeteria.

Top
Subj: Prayer Before Finals (S319)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2003

Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do,
Don't Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake,
That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.

Top
Subj:     The College Graduate (S225)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
      and From: BennoRo on 5/23/2001
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
    "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
    "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
    "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
    "Do you want fries with that?"

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard

Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting
of a flame. -- Yeates

Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.

One can pity the father with three kids in college.
He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

A student who changes the course of history is
probably taking an exam.

Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

A university is what a college becomes when the
faculty loses interest in students.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make
more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four
more years.]

College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes
to drink.

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge,
others just gargle.

Why do some people go to college?
To wear togas and get Internet access.

If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and
laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard

Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. (S11)

A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
Hire college students, while they still know everything. (S11)

Did you hear that they won't let *insert scool name* play
football at *insert natural turf arena* any more? They can't
seem to stop the cheerleaders from grazing in the infield.

Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today.
Please get out quietly not to wake up the other classes.

College is like a woman. You try real hard to get in;
then nine months later, you wish you had never come.

Academy: School where football is taught.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies,
"Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

This course is like a mini-skirt, short enough to keep your
attention but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

This guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The
instructor was going through various thing in the Kinsey
report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read
out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single
session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who
was *HE*?"

From: gheckman on 1/28/2001 (S209)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -
to steal from many is research.

Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University.

Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New
York City, after the Catholic Church.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building. (But you'd think that all the light-
weights and airheads that "study" there would balance that
out.)

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is
"a meaningless existential hell."

From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b)
An anxious mother was questioning Princeton University
president, Woodrow Wilson, closely about what Princeton
could do for her son. "Madam," the exasperated Wilson
replied, "we guarantee satisfaction or you will get
your son back."

From: igiggle on 11/17/2005 (S460b)
College: a fountain of knowledge where we all go to drink.
-- Henny Youngman

From: igiggle on 11/18/2005 (S460b)
Does college pay? Of course. If you're a halfback or a
basketball player they pay you very well. College athletes
are always saying to me, "When should I turn pro?" And I
say, "Not until you've earned all you can in college."
-- Will Rogers

Q: How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: Why is a diploma like a condom?
A: It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort,
it's worthless the next day.

Q: How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.

Q: What does the University grad ask the Tech school grad?
A: May I take your order, Sir?

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College lecture from
Smiley_Central

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