Subj:     College2 Jokes
                 (Includes 56 jokes and articles, 09 1082,5,cL2f,vYT2a6a,1)

          Click "Here" for College-Supp

Liquid from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  First Day Of School Cartoon (S867 in Supp)
.........................Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President (S87 in Supp)
.........................College Graduation Prank - Photo (S550b)
.........................College Dorm Pranks (S521b)
.........................Do You Know Who I Am? (S226, S655b)
.........................Frazz Comic Strip (S639c)
.........................College Biology Class (S90, S570b)
.........................The Class Of 2005 (S318b)
.........................Jeff Stahler Cartoons (S981)
.........................Cakes And Ale During Exams (S154)
.........................Artie Schmitz's Guide To Studying In College (S137)
.........................Buffalo's Son Goes To College - Drawing (S1009)
.........................Speech By Charlton Heston at Harvard (S112)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comics (S1082)
.........................Universal Grade Change Form
.........................If College Students Wrote The Bible...: (S132, S330)
                         Short College Jokes And Quotes
..............................Goats On The Cal Poly Campus (S783 in Supp)
..............................Computer Science Majors In College (S440b)
..............................Business Student Earns A 'C' (S390)
..............................Asking Idiots To Stand Up (S354b)
..............................Blonde Takes College Final (S293)
..............................College Students' Prayer (S201)
..............................Prayer Before Finals (S319)
..............................The College Graduate (S225)

Subj:     College Graduation Prank (S550b)
          From: SCOTCOB on 7/31/2007
 Source: (Removed from strangecosmos.com)
Subj:     College Dorm Pranks (S521b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/12/07

 When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
 was water fights.  Dousing and bombarding one another with
 water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
 Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
 The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

 Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was
 ajar.  Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the
 door's edge, ready to fall on him.  As he took down the
 pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy
 guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

 It was then he realized it...... we'd removed the drainpipe
 beneath the sink.

Subj:     Do You Know Who I Am? (S226, S655b)
          From: thebartend on 5/31/2001

 (Also see "Student Vs Professor" in College-Prof.)

 It was the final examination for an introductory English
 course at the local university.  Like many such freshman
 courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having
 over 700 students in the class!

 The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were
 provided.  The professor was very strict and told the class
 that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours
 would not be accepted and the student would fail.  1/2 hour
 into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the pro-
 fessor for an exam booklet.  "You're not going to have time
 to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he
 handed the student a booklet.  "Yes I will," replied the
 student.  He then took a seat and began writing.

 After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the
 students filed up and handed them in.  All except the late
 student, who continued writing.  1/2 hour later, the last
 student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
 preparing for his next class.

 He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets
 already there.

 "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that.  It's late."
 The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO
 I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the pro-
 fessor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

 "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and
 I don't care." replied the professor with an air of

 "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack
 of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked
 out of the room.

Subj:     Frazz Comic Strip (S639c)
          By Jef Mallett on 4/6/2009
 Source: www.gocomics.com/frazz/2009/04/06
Subj:     College Biology Class (S90, S570b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-19

 (Also see 'JC Biology Class' SCHOOL1)

 Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
 junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you
 please name the organ of the human body, which under the
 appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
 and define the conditions."

 Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I
 don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure
 you my parents will hear of this."  With that she sat down

 Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked
 the same question.  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
 "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr.

 "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
 "One, you have not studied your lesson.  "Two, you have a
 dirty mind.  "And three, you will some day be faced with
 a dreadful disappointment."

Subj:     The Class Of 2005 (S318b)
          From: gheckman on 2/18/2003

 (Also see 'Stop The Timeline...I Want Off' in FACTS2)

 Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this
 will certainly change things.  Each year the staff at
 Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try
 to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
 incoming freshman.

 Here is this year's list:

 The people who are starting college this fall across the
 nation were born in 1983.

 They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
 and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

 They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

 There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

 They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
 do not remember the Cold War.

 They are too young to remember the Challenger space
 shuttle blowing up.

 Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

 Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

 The statement "You sound like a broken record"
 means nothing to them.

 They have never owned a record player.

 They have likely never played Pac Man and
 have never heard of Pong.

 They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact
 Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

 They have always had an answering machine.

 Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
 nor have they seen a black and white TV.

 They have always had cable.

 There have always been VCRs, but
 they have no idea what BETA was.

 They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
 about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up"

 Feeling old Yet? There's more:

 They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

 Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

 Michael Jackson has always been white.

 Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

 Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 They have never seen Larry Bird play.

 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

 The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them
 as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.

 They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
 in Iran.

 They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
 (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

 They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile
 for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

 They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
 who J.R. was.

 Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,
 not bands.

 There has always been MTV.

 They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 Do you feel old yet?  If you do, then pass this on to
 some other 20 old fogies... but don't send it back to me,
 I feel old enough.

Subj:     Jeff Stahler Cartoons (S981)
          Drawn by Jeff Stahler on 1/16/2014
          From: Debbie Fulton on 10/28/2015
 Source: www.gocomics.com/moderately-confused/2014/01/16
Subj:     Cakes And Ale During Exams (S154)
          From: KMacinty on 01/13/2000

 This is purported to be a true story someone found regarding
 exams at Cambridge University.  It seems that during an
 examination, a bright young student popped up and asked the
 proctor to bring him Cakes  and Ale.  The following dialog

 Proctor: I beg your pardon?

 Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

 Proctor: Sorry, no.

 Student: Sir, I really must insist.  I request and require
 that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

 At this point, the student produced a copy of the four-
 hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and
 still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which
 read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations
 may request and require Cakes and Ale."  Pepsi and hamburgers
 were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there,
 writing his examination and happily slurping away.

 Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not
 wearing a sword to the examination.

Subj:     Artie Schmitz's Guide To Studying In College (S137)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/1/99

 Artie Schmitz attended Harvard for a year before professors
 realized he wasn't enrolled in the school.  Since then, he
 has transferred from one college to another.  Currently, he
 is an eighth-year junior at Florida's renowned Dade County
 Community College.  From there he writes to us, giving fuzzy,
 unsound advice on how to succeed in college if you absolutely
 don't want to succeed. So, here it goes:

  1. The secret to taking good notes is taking them from
     someone who goes to class.
  2. Cliff Notes do not give you the same experience of
     reading the book, which is why you should read
     Cliff Notes.
  3. Cheaters never win, but if they copy from the right
     people they could tie with the best.
  4. Just because they call them Work/Study Jobs, doesn't
     mean you have to do either one.
  5. Never wait to the last minute to start a paper - get
     an extension.
  6. If you're going to cram the night before the test,
     make sure you cram everything onto a piece of paper
     you can fit into your sleeve.
  7. Never judge a book by its cover.  Save your opinion
     until you read the back of the book.
  8. In case you need an excuse for missing an important
     exam, explain that you didn't know about the, "Beer
     before liquor," rule.
  9. On essay questions, write long and sloppy.  Professors
     have many papers to grade, and tons of jibberish will
     always get a passing grade.
 10. Don't be concerned about failing.  The only people
     concerned about your GPA are employers.

Subj:     Buffalo's Son Goes To College (S1009 in Word-Supp)
          From: Sam Perkins on 4/27/2016
 Source: www.memes.com/img/478081
Subj:     Speech By Charlton Heston at Harvard (S112)
          From: Tom_Adams on 3/15/99

 "Winning The Cultural War" by Charlton Heston
 Harvard Law School Forum on Tuesday, 16 February 1999

 I remember my son when he was five, explaining to his
 kindergarten class what his father did for a living.
 "My Daddy," he said, "pretends to be people."

 There have been quite a few of them.  Prophets from the
 Old and New Testaments, a couple of Christian saints,
 generals of various nationalities and different centuries,
 several kings, three American presidents, a French cardinal
 and two geniuses, including Michelangelo.  If you want the
 ceiling re-painted I'll do my best.  There always seem
 to be a lot of different fellows up here.  I'm never sure
 which one of them gets to talk. Right now, I guess I'm the

 As I pondered our visit tonight it struck me: If my Creator
 gave me the gift to connect you with the hearts and minds of
 those great men, then I want to use that same gift now to
 re-connect you with your own sense of liberty ... your own
 freedom of thought ... your own compass for what is right.
 Dedicating the memorial at Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln said
 of America, "We are now engaged in a great Civil War, testing
 whether this nation or any nation so conceived and so
 dedicated can long endure."

 Those words are true again.  I believe that we are again
 engaged in a great civil war, a cultural war that's about to
 hijack your birthright to think and say what resides in your
 heart.  I fear you no longer trust the pulsing lifeblood of
 liberty inside you ... the stuff that made this country rise
 from wilderness into the miracle that it is.

 Let me back up.  About a year ago I became president of the
 National Rifle Association, which protects the right to keep
 and bear arms.  I ran for office, I was elected, and now I
 serve ... I serve as a moving target for the media who've
 called me everything from "ridiculous" and "duped" to a
 "brain-injured, senile, crazy old man." I know ... I'm
 pretty old...but I sure Lord ain't senile.

 As I have stood in the crosshairs of those who target
 Second Amendment freedoms, I've realized that firearms are
 not the only issues.  No, it's much, much bigger than that.
 I've come to understand that a cultural war is raging across
 our Land, in which, with Orwellian fervor, certain
 acceptable thoughts and speech are mandated.

 For example, I marched for civil rights with Dr. King in
 1963 --Long before Hollywood found it fashionable.  But
 when I told an audience last year that white pride is just
 as valid as black pride or red pride or anyone else's pride,
 they called me a racist.  I've worked with brilliantly
 talented homosexuals all my life.  But when I told an
 audience that gay rights should extend no further than your
 rights or my rights, I was called a homophobe.  I served in
 World War II against the Axis powers.  But during a speech,
 when I drew an analogy between singling out innocent Jews
 and singling out innocent gun owners, I was called an anti-

 Everyone I know knows I would never raise a closed fist
 against my country.  But when I asked an audience to oppose
 this cultural persecution, I was compared to Timothy McVeigh.

 From Time magazine to friends and colleagues, they're
 essentially saying, "Chuck, how dare you speak your mind.
 You are using language not authorized for public consumption!"

 But I am not afraid.  If Americans believed in political
 correctness, we'd still be King George's boys-subjects bound
 to the British crown.  In his book, "The End of Sanity,"
 Martin Gross writes that "Blatantly irrational behavior is
 rapidly being established as the norm in almost every area
 of human endeavor.  There seem to be new customs, new rules,
 and new anti-intellectual theories regularly foisted on us
 from every direction.  Underneath, the nation is roiling.
 Americans know something without a name is undermining the
 nation, turning the mind mushy when it comes to separating
 truth from falsehood and right from wrong.  And they don't
 like it."

 Let me read a few examples.

 At Antioch college in Ohio, young men seeking intimacy with
 a coed must get verbal permission at each step of the
 process from kissing to petting to final copulation ... all
 clearly spelled out in a printed college directive.

 In New Jersey, despite the death of several patients
 nationwide who had been infected by dentists who had
 concealed their AIDs --- the state commissioner announced
 that health providers who are HIV-positive need not... need
 not... tell their patients that they are infected.

 At William and Mary, students tried to change the name of
 the school team "The Tribe" because it was supposedly
 insulting to local Indians, only to learn that authentic
 Virginia chiefs truly like the name.

 In San Francisco, city fathers passed an ordinance protecting
 the rights of transvestites to cross-dress on the job, and
 for transsexuals to have separate toilet facilities while
 undergoing sex change surgery.

 In New York City, kids who don't speak a word of Spanish
 have been placed in bilingual classes to learn their three
 R's in Spanish solely because their last names sound Hispanic.

 At the University of Pennsylvania, in a state where thousands
 died at Gettysburg opposing slavery, the president of that
 college officially set up segregated dormitory space for
 black students.

 Yeah, I know ... that's out of bounds now.  Dr. King said
 "Negroes."  Jimmy Baldwin and most of us on the March said,
 "black."  But it's a no-no now.  For me, hyphenated
 identities are awkward ... particularly "Native-American."
 I'm a Native American, for God's sake.  I also happen to
 be a blood-initiated brother of the Miniconjou Sioux.  On
 my wife's side, my grandson is a thirteenth generation
 native American... with a capital letter on "American."

 Finally, just last month... David Howard, head of the
 Washington D.C. Office of Public Advocate, used the word
 "niggardly" while talking to colleagues about budgetary
 matters.  Of course, "niggardly" means stingy or scanty.
 But within days Howard was forced to publicly apologize
 and resign.  As columnist Tony Snow wrote: "David Howard
 got fired because some people in public employ were
 morons who (a) didn't know the meaning of niggardly,' (b)
 didn't know how to use a dictionary to discover the
 meaning, and (c) actually demanded that he apologize for
 their ignorance."

 What does all of this mean?  It means that telling us
 what to think has evolved into telling us what to say,
 so telling us what to do can't be far behind.  Before
 you claim to be a champion of free thought, tell me:
 Why did political correctness originate on America's
 campuses?  And why do you continue to tolerate it?   Why
 do you, who're supposed to debate ideas, surrender to
 their suppression?   Let's be honest.   Who here thinks
 your professors can say what they really believe?  It
 scares me to death, and should scare you too, that the
 superstition of political correctness rules the halls
 of reason.

 You are the best and the brightest.  You, here in the
 fertile cradle of American academia, here in the castle
 of learning on the Charles River, you are the cream.
 But I submit that you, and your counterparts across
 the land, are the most socially conformed and politically
 silenced generation since Concord Bridge.  And as long as
 you validate that... and abide it... you are - by your
 grandfathers' standards - cowards.

 Here's another example.  Right now at more than one major
 university, Second Amendment scholars and researchers are
 being told to shut up about their findings or they'll
 lose their jobs.  Why?  Because their research findings
 would undermine big-city mayor's pending lawsuits that
 seek to extort hundreds of millions of dollars from
 firearm manufacturers.  I don't care what you think about
 guns.  But if you are not shocked at that, I am shocked at
 you.  Who will guard the raw material of unfettered ideas,
 if not you?  Who will defend the core value of academia,
 if you supposed soldiers of free thought and expression
 lay down your arms and plead, "Don't shoot me."?

 If you talk about race, it does not make you a racist.  If
 you see distinctions between the genders, it does not make
 you a sexist.  If you think critically about a denomination,
 it does not make you anti-religion.  If you accept but don't
 celebrate homosexuality, it does not make you a homophobe.
 Don't let America's universities continue to serve as
 incubators for this rampant epidemic of new McCarthyism.

 But what can you do? How can anyone prevail against such
 pervasive social subjugation?  The answer's been here all
 along.  I learned it 36 years ago, on the steps of the
 Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., standing with Dr.
 Martin Luther King and two hundred thousand people.

 You simply ... disobey.  Peaceably, yes. Respectfully, of
 course.  Nonviolently, absolutely.  But when told how to
 think or what to say or howto behave, we don't.  We
 disobey social protocol that stifles and stigmatizes
 personal freedom.  I learned the awesome power of
 disobedience from Dr. King... who learned it from Gandhi,
 and Thoreau, and Jesus, and every other great man who
 led those in the right against those with the might.
 Disobedience is in our DNA.  We feel innate kinship with
 that Disobedient spirit that tossed tea into Boston Harbor,
 that sent Thoreau to jail, that refused to sit in the
 back of the bus, that protested a war in Vietnam.  In that
 same spirit, I am asking you to disavow cultural correct-
 ness with massive disobedience of rogue authority, social
 directives and onerous law that weaken personal freedom.

 But be careful ... it hurts. Disobedience demands that you
 put yourself at risk.  Dr. King stood on lots of balconies.
 You must be willing to be humiliated... to endure the
 modern-day equivalent of the police dogs at Montgomery and
 the water cannons at Selma.  You must be willing to
 experience discomfort.  I'm not complaining, but my own
 decades of social activism have taken their toll on me.

 Let me tell you a story.  A few years back I heard about
 a rapper named Ice-T who was selling a CD called "Cop
 Killer" celebrating ambushing and murdering police
 officers.  It was being marketed by none other than
 Time/Warner, the biggest entertainment conglomerate
 in the world.  Police across the country were outraged.
 Rightfully so - at least one had been murdered.  But
 Time/Warner was stonewalling because the CD was a cash
 cow for them, and the media were tiptoeing around it
 because the rapper was black.  I heard Time/Warner had
 a stockholders meeting scheduled in Beverly Hills.  I
 owned some shares at the time, so I decided to attend.
 What I did there was against the advice of my family and
 colleagues I asked for the floor.  To a hushed room of a
 thousand average American stockholders, I simply read
 the full lyrics of "Cop Killer" - every vicious, vulgar,
 instructional word.

 It got worse, a lot worse.  I won't read the rest of it
 to you.  But trust me, the room was a sea of shocked,
 frozen, blanched faces.  The Time/Warner executives
 squirmed in their chairs and stared at their shoes.  They
 hated me for that.  Then I delivered another volley of
 sick lyric brimming with racist filth, where Ice-T
 fantasizes about sodomizing two 12-year old nieces of
 Al and Tipper Gore. "SHE PUSHED HER BUTT AGAINST MY ... ."

 Well, I won't do to you here what I did to them.  Let's
 just say I left the room in echoing silence.  When I read
 the lyrics to the waiting press corps, one of them said
 "We can't print that." "I know," I replied, "but
 Time/Warner's selling it."  Two months later, Time/Warner
 terminated Ice-T's contract.  I'll never be offered
 another film by Warners, or get a good review from Time
 magazine.  But disobedience means you must be willing to
 act, not just talk.

 When a mugger sues his elderly victim for defending
 herself... jam the switchboard of the district attorney's
 office.  When your university is pressured to lower
 standards until 80% of the students graduate with honors...
 choke the halls of the board of regents.  When an 8-year-
 old boy pecks a girl's cheek on the playground and gets
 hauled into court for sexual harassment... march on that
 school and block its doorways.

 When someone you elected is seduced by political power and
 betrays you... petition them, oust them, banish them.
 When Time magazine's cover portrays millennium nuts as
 deranged, Crazy Christians holding a cross as it did last
 month... boycott their magazine and the products it

 So that this nation may long endure, I urge you to follow
 in the hallowed footsteps of the great disobedience's of
 history that freed exiles, founded religions, defeated
 tyrants, and yes, in the hands of an aroused rabble in
 arms and a few great men, by God's grace, built this
 country.  If Dr. King were here, I think he would agree.
 Thank you

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comics (S1082)
          By Stephan Pastis on 10/1/2017
 Source: www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2017/10/01
..........Click 'HERE' to see this cute Sunday Comics.
Subj:     Universal Grade Change Form
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

  University:  ______________________
  To: Professor____________________

  I think my grade in your course,___________________, should
  be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

  __1.  The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade
        than I did.

  __2.  The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade
        than I did.

  __3.  This course will lower my Grade Point Average and
        I won't get into:
        ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
        ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
        ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

  __4.  I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:

  __5.  I'll lose my scholarship.

  __6.  I'm on a varsity sports team and
        my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

  __7.  I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I
        used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

  __8.  I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted
        every little fact.

  __9.  I learned all the facts and definitions but
        your exams asked about general principles.

 __10.  You are prejudiced  against:

 __11.  If I flunk out of school my father will
        disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

 __12. I was unable to do well in this course
       because of the following illness:
       ____broken baby finger
       ____acute alcoholism

 __13.  You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us
        exactly how you wanted that done.

 __14.  I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

 __15.  I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

 __16.  The lectures were:
        ____too detailed to pick out important points
        ____not explained in sufficient detail
        ____too boring
        ____all jokes and not enough material
        ____all of the above

 __17.  This course was:
        ____too early, I was not awake.
        ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
        ____too late, I was tired

 __18.  My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on)
        my  (book, notes, paper) for this course.

 __19.  Other__________________________________

Subj:     If College Students Wrote The Bible...: (S132, S330)
          From: Anaise on 98-04-09

 Top ten ways the Bible would be different if
     it were written by college students:

 10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning
        - cold.
  9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five,
        double-spaced, and written in a large font.
  8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
  7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten
     because it wasn't cafeteria food.
  6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail
     to abuse@romans.gov.
  5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
  4. The place where the end of the world occurs:
     Finals, not Armageddon.
  3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
  2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for
        40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and
        look like Freshmen.
  1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and
        resting on the seventh, He would have put it off
        until the night before it was due and then pulled
        an all-nighter.

Subj:     Short College Jokes And Quotes

Subj:     Computer Science Majors In College (S440b)
          From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are
 opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

 Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry,
 it's just that they want to spend a few more years in
 America before having to move to India.

Subj:     Business Student Earns A 'C' (S390)
          From: igiggle on 7/16/2004
 A Yale professor explaining the poor grade he gave business
 student Fred Smith in 1966 for his research paper proposing
 an overnight delivery system:  "The concept is interesting
 and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C the
 idea must be feasible."

 After college, Smith founded Federal Express.

Subj:     Asking Idiots To Stand Up (S354b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 11/13/2003
 "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please
 stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.  After a long
 silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister,
 why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
 lecturer with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said
 the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there
 all by yours.

Subj:     Blonde Takes College Final (S293)
          From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
 The blonde reported for her university final examination
 that consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes her
 seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
 for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
 her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
 and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for
 Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the
 rest of the class is sweating it out.

 During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
 throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.  The moderator,
 alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
 finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my

Subj:     College Students' Prayer (S201)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/8/2000
 My father/mother/or gender-nuetral appellation, who art in
 Heaven unless you believe my Intro to Philosophy Professor,
 hallowed by thy name.  Though I walk through the valley of
 the Shadow of Debt, please deliver me from student loan
 creditors.  And if I should die before I wake, it was
 probably the food from the cafeteria.

Subj:     Prayer Before Finals (S319)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2003

 Now I Lay Me
 Down to Study,
 I Pray the Lord I
 Won't Go Nutty.

 If I Should Fail to
 Learn this Junk,
 I Pray the Lord
 I Will Not Flunk.

 But If I Do,
 Don't Pity Me at All,
 Just Lay My Bones
 In the Study Hall.

 Tell My Prof
 I Did My Best,
 Then Pile My
 Books upon My Chest.

 Now I Lay Me
 Down to Rest,
 And Pray I'll Pass
 Tomorrow's Test.

 If I Should Die Before I Wake,
 That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.

Subj:     The College Graduate (S225)
          From: BennoRo on 5/23/2001
 The graduate with a Science degree asks,
    "Why does it work?"
 The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
    "How does it work?"
 The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
    "How much will it cost?"
 The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
    "Do you want fries with that?"

 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
    -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard

 Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting
 of a flame.  -- Yeates

 Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.

 One can pity the father with three kids in college.
 He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

 A student who changes the course of history is
 probably taking an exam.

 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.

 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

 A university is what a college becomes when the
 faculty loses interest in students.

 About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make
 more money.  [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four
 more years.]

 College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes
 to drink.

 Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge,
 others just gargle.

 Why do some people go to college?
 To wear togas and get Internet access.

 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and
 laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
    -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard

 Getting an education at the University of California is like
 having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. (S11)

 A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
 Hire college students, while they still know everything. (S11)

 Did you hear that they won't let *insert scool name* play
 football at *insert natural turf arena* any more?  They can't
 seem to stop the cheerleaders from grazing in the infield.

 Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today.
 Please get out quietly not to wake up the other classes.

 College is like a woman.  You try real hard to get in;
 then nine months later, you wish you had never come.

 Academy:  School where football is taught.
 Institute:  An archaic school where football is not taught.

 The child comes home from his first day at school.
 Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"  The kid replies,
 "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

 This course is like a mini-skirt, short enough to keep your
 attention but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

 This guy was taking a course in human sexuality.  The
 instructor was going through various thing in the Kinsey
 report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read
 out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single
 session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".
 A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who
 was *HE*?"

From: gheckman on 1/28/2001 (S209)
 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -
 to steal from many  is research.

 Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University.

 Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New
 York City, after the Catholic Church.

 The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
 Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
 where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
 driving under an airplane.

 The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
 every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
 take into account the weight of all the books that would
 occupy the building.  (But you'd think that all the light-
 weights and airheads that "study" there would balance that

 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is
     "a meaningless existential hell."

From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b)
 An anxious mother was questioning Princeton University
 president, Woodrow Wilson, closely about what Princeton
 could do for her son.  "Madam," the exasperated Wilson
 replied, "we guarantee satisfaction or you will get
 your son back."

From: igiggle on 11/17/2005 (S460b)
 College: a fountain of knowledge where we all go to drink.
   -- Henny Youngman

From: igiggle on 11/18/2005 (S460b)
 Does college pay?  Of course.  If you're a halfback or a
 basketball player they pay you very well.  College athletes
 are always saying to me, "When should I turn pro?"  And I
 say, "Not until you've earned all you can in college."
   -- Will Rogers

 Q: How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
 A: Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

 Q: Why is a diploma like a condom?
 A: It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort,
    it's worthless the next day.

 Q: How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A: One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.

 Q: What does the University grad ask the Tech school grad?
 A: May I take your order, Sir?

                           -(o o)-
.......................From Smiley_Central