(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 10765,12,cf)
Pencil from
Animation Factory
| Subj: MATH2
File-mathematical Jokes
(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 10765,12,cf) |
|
Pencil from Animation Factory |
The MATH1
file are nonmathematical math jokes
MATH2
file are mathematical jokes
Math3
file contains tests, and formulas
Math4
file contains problems
Math5
file contains quotes
MATH6
file contains lymerics, short jokes, stories, and Q/A.
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Subj:
Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28 (S765)
From: Wimp.com on 9/8/2011 |
In the 1946 movie, A Little Giant,
Costello proves to Abbott
that 13 times 7 is 28.
Click
on either of the top two sources,
or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this very funny, classic video.
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Subj: Pregnant
Indian Math Problem (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/30/2002
An Indian chief had three wives,
each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy.
The chief was so elated he
built her a teepee made of deer
hide. A few days later, the
second gave birth, also to a
boy. The chief was very happy.
He built her a teepee made of
antelope hide. The third wife
gave birth a few days later,
but the chief kept the details
a secret. He built this one
a two story teepee, made out of
a hippopotamus hide.
At this point, the chief then
challenged the tribe to guess
what had just occurred. Many
tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared
that the third wife had
given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary.
The value of the
squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides."
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| Subj:
Ma and Pa Kettle Teach Kentucky Math
From: tom on 11/22/2007 (S566) |
 |
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Subj: Top
10 Reasons To Convert To Metric System (S218)
From: America's Aversion to the Metric System
at http://xocxoc.home.att.net/math/metrics.htm
10. People will finally understand
my joke about driving
attoparsecs
per nanocenturies.
9. Gas will seem cheaper at
50 cents a liter.
8. Being 22 kilos overweight
does not sound as bad as 50 lbs.
7. Defense will be easier if
the offense has to drive 10
meters for
a first down.
6. Arizona summers will not
seem as bad when its only 40
degrees outside.
5. Its not "metric", its "Digital"!
4. Imagine all the exciting
math you will do converting
your favorite
recipes to milliliters.
3. Less fractions to deal with
like, "Do I need a five
eighths socket
or a nine sixteenths to loosen this nut?"
2. The boy band 98? will not
be as popular calling
themselves
36.7?.
1. Half a liter is more than
a pint, which means, MORE
BEER FOR
EVERYBODY!
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Subj:
Dr Quantum Visits Flatland (S675b)
From: GILBERT.HENDERSON.JR on 12/23/2009 |
The video, Dr. Quantum Visits
Flatland, is based on the
book Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott
from Dover Publications,
Inc., 1992, which was first
published in 1884.
It discusses what would happen
if a two-dimensional
world was visited by a three-dimensional
being.
Click on the above source, or
'HERE'
for my copy,
to see this cute video.
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Subj: The
Flagpole (S448)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
and
From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005
A mathematician and a physicist
are trying to measure the
height of a flag pole using
a long tape measure. The
mathematician takes the tape
measure, walks up to the flag
pole, and begins to shinny up
the pole. A short way up, he
slips and falls down.
The physicist notices a ladder
lying nearby in the bushes.
He leans the ladder against
the pole, but it reaches only
half way up. He climbs
the ladder and tries to shinny up
from there, but he also slips
and falls.
While they sit near the pole
scratching their heads, an
engineer walks by, so the mathematician
and the physicist
tell him their problem.
The engineer notices a crank at
the base of the flag pole.
He turns the crank, and the
flag pole tilts over until it
lies on the ground. The
engineer stretches out the tape
measure, cranks the pole
back up, and tells the mathematician
and the physicist:
'It is 15 meters.'
As the engineer walks off into
the distance, the mathe-
matician looks at the physicist
and says: 'Isn't that
just like an engineer? You ask
him for the height, and
he gives you the length.'
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| Subj:
The Numbers (S664b)
From: lubin100 on 9/25/2009 Drawing
from Valdosta State
University...
|
 |
This PowerPoint Show explains
why numbers are shaped the
way are. I do NOT believe
this PPS is correct. Click
'HERE'
to view it.
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Subj: Math,
Engineer, And Applied Math Differences
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
A businessman needed to employ
a quantitative type person.
He wasn't sure if he should
get a mathematician, an engineer,
or an applied mathematician.
As it happened, all the
applicants were male. The businessman
devised a test.
The mathematician came first.
Miss How, the administrative
assistant took him into the
hall. At the end of the hall,
lounging on a couch, was a beautiful
woman. Miss How said,
"You may only go half the distance
at a time. When you reach
the end, you may kiss our model."
The mathmatician explained how
he would never get there in a
finite number of iterations
and politely excused himself.
Then came the engineer.
He quickly bounded halfway down the
hall, then halfway again, and
so on. Soon he declared he was
well within accepted error tolerance
and grabbed the beautiful
woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's
turn. Miss How
explained the rules. The
applied mathematician listened
politely, then grabbed Miss
How and gave her a big smooch.
"What was that about?" she cried.
"Well, you see I'm an
applied mathematician. If I
can't solve the problem, I change
it!"
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Subj:
Four Mobius Benches (S481c)
From: Science News on 4/10/2006 At: http://blog.sciencenews.org/ |
To view these four mobius benches on my web site, click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Two
Math Professors In A Bar (S326)
From: banghar4
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/11/2003
Two math professors are in a
bar. "Isn't it disgusting",
the first one complains, "how
little the general public
knows about mathematics.
The average person does not
know any math beyond high school."
"Well", his colleague replies,
"you're perhaps a bit too
pessimistic."
"I don't think so", the first
one replies. "And anyhow, I
have to go to the washroom now."
He goes off, and the other professor
decides to use this
opportunity to play a prank
on his colleague. He makes a
sign to the pretty, blonde waitress
to come over and says,
"When you bring our drinks,
I'm going to ask you a mathe-
matical question. I want
you to answer, 'One third x
cubed.' Can you do that?"
The waitress says, "I don't know
if I can remember that.
One thurr...um..."
"One third x cubed," says the prof.
"One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.
"One"
"One"
"Third"
"Third"
"X"
"X"
"Cubed"
"Cubed"
"One third X cubed"
"One third X cubed"
The waitress leaves, and the
other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation
until a few minutes later
when the waitress brings their
drinks.
The professor says to the waitress,
"Say, do you mind if
I ask you something?"
"Not at all"
"Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"
The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."
The other professor's mouth drops
wide open, and his
colleage grins smugly.
As the waitress walks away,
she stops, turns, and adds,
"Plus a constant!"
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(S628)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 8/14/2009 |
 |
Click on the button below
to learn which
is larger.
....... |
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Subj: Polynomials
(Polly Nomial has sex) (S34)
Once upon a time (1/t), pretty
little Polly Nomial was
strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the
edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and
her mother had made it an
absolute condition that she
must never enter such an array
without her brackets on.
Polly, however, who had changed
her variables that morning and
was feeling particularly
badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the grounds that
it was insufficient, and made
her way in amongst the complex
elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her
on all sides. Tangents
approached her surface.
She became tensor and tensor.
Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola
touched her at a single
point. She oscillated
violently, lost all sense of direction,
and went completely divergent.
As she reached a turning point
she tripped over a square root
that was protruding from the
erf, and she plunged headlong
down a steep gradient. When she
was differentiated once more,
she found herself, apparently
alone, in a non-Euclidean space.
She was being watched, however.
That smooth operator, Curly
Pi, was lurking inner product.
As he numerically analyzed
her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, and a
singular expression crossed
his face. Was she still
convergent, he wondered.
He decided to integrate improperly
at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind
her, Polly rotated and saw
Curly approaching her with his
power series expanding. She
could see by his degenerate
conic that he was up to no good.
"What a symmetric little polynomial
you are," he said. "I
can see that your angles have
lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "keep
away from me. I haven't got
my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear", said
our suave operator. "Your
fears are purely imaginary."
"I, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
"I suppose you've never been operated on?"
"Of course not," Polly cried
indignantly. "I'm absolutely
convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly.
"Let's go off to a decimal place,
and I'll take you to the limit!"
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the
vilest oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing
her over the coefficient with
a log until she was powerless,
Curly removed her discon-
tinuities. He stared at
her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of
inflection. Poor Polly. The
algorithmic method was now her
only hope. She felt his
hand tending to her asymptotic
limit. Her convergence
would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly
was a heavyside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself.
Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He
integrated by partial fractions.
After he cofactored, he performed
Runge-Kutta on her. The
complex beast even went all
the way around and did a
contour integration. Curly
went on operating until he
satisfied her hypothesis, then
he exponentiated and became
completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night
her mother noticed that she
was no longer piecewise continuous,
but had been truncated
in several places. As
the months went by, Polly's
denominator increased monotonically.
Finally she went to
l'Hospital and generated a small
but pathological function
which left little surds all
over the place and drove Polly
to deviation.
The moral of the story is, "If
you want to keep your
expressions convergent, never
allow them a single degree
of freedom."
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| Subj:
Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S503c)
From: The Handley Math Page on 9/13/2006 |
 |
You can view this cute math cartoon
at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Pythagorean's
Theorem
A tribe of Native Americans generally
referred to their
woman by the animal hide with
which they made their blanket.
Thus, one woman might be known
as Squaw of Buffalo Hide,
while another might be known
as Squaw of Deer Hide. This
tribe had a particularly large
and strong woman, with a
very unique (for North America
anyway) animal hide for her
blanket. This woman was
known as Squaw of Hippopotamus
hide, and she was as large and
powerful as the animal from
which her blanket was made.
Year after year, this woman entered
the tribal wrestling
tournament, and easily defeated
all challengers; male or
female. As the men of
the tribe admired her strength and
power, this made many of the
other woman of the tribe
extremely jealous. One
year, two of the squaws petitioned
the Chief to allow them to enter
their sons together as a
wrestling tandem in order to
wrestle Squaw of the Hippopot-
amus hide as a team. In
this way, they hoped to see that
she would no longer be champion
wrestler of the tribe.
As the luck of the draw would
have it, the two sons who
were wrestling as a tandem met
the squaw in the final and
championship round of the wrestling
contest. As the match
began, it became clear that
the squaw had finally met an
opponent that was her equal.
The two sons wrestled and
struggled vigorously and were
clearly on an equal footing
with the powerful squaw.
Their match lasted for hours
without a clear victor.
Finally the chief intervened
and declared that, in the
interests of the health and
safety of the wrestlers, the
match was to be terminated and
that he would declare a winner.
The chief retired to his teepee
and contemplated the great
struggle he had witnessed, and
found it extremely difficult
to decide a winner. While
the two young men had clearly
outmatched the squaw, he found
it difficult to force the
squaw to relinquish her tribal
championship. After all, it
had taken two young men to finally
provide her with a
decent match. Finally,
after much deliberation, the chief
came out from his teepee, and
announced his decision. He
said...
"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus
hide is equal to the sons
of the squaws of the other two
hides"
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Subj: Polish
Scientists Steal A Plane
A bunch of Polish scientists
decided to flee their repressive
government by hijacking an airliner
and forcing the pilot to
fly them to a western country.
They drove to the airport,
forced their way on board a
large passenger jet, and found
there was no pilot on board.
Terrified, they listened as the
sirens got louder. Finally,
one of the scientists suggested
that since he was an experimentalist,
he would try to fly the
aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and
tried to figure them out.
The sirens got louder and louder.
Armed men surrounded the
jet. The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please
take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied,
"Have patience. I'm just
a simple pole in a complex plane."
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Subj:
One Big Happy Comic Strip (S640c)
by Rick Detorie From: Creators.com on 4/16/2009 |
Click 'HERE'
to see this cute comic strip about milk,
beer, and math.
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Subj: A Very
Smart Horse
There was once a very smart horse.
Anything that was shown
it, it mastered easily, until
one day, its teachers tried
to teach it about rectangular
coordinates and it couldn't
understand them. All the
horse's acquaintances and friends
tried to figure out what was
the matter and couldn't. Then
a new guy (what the heck, a
computer engineer) looked at
the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it.
Why, you're putting Descartes
before the horse!"
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Subj: Mathematician,
Engineer, And Physicist At A Fire
An engineer, a physicist and
a mathematician are in a hotel
when a fire starts. Quickly,
the engineer smothers the
flames in his room with a towel.
The physicist takes out
his calculator and punches a
few buttons.
He fills his glass with exactly
3.7 oz of water and pours
it slowly over the flames, quenching
them.
The mathematician goes to the
sink, turns on the water and
exclaims "I've proven it!
There is a solution!".
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Subj: The
Numbers "i" and "Pi" (S634)
From MightyWombat.com on 2/24/2009
Source: http://www.mightywombat.com/toons/numbers.gif
 |
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Subj: The
Mathematician, And The Physicist At A Fire
A physicist and a mathematician
setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine
catches on fire. The physicist
grabs a bucket and leaps towards
the sink, fills the bucket
with water and puts out the
fire.
The second day, the same two
sit in the same lounge. Again,
the coffee machine catches on
fire. This time, the mathe-
matician stands up, gets a bucket,
hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the
problem to a previously solved
one.
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Subj: Mathematician,
And Physicist At A Burning House
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked
by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected
to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to
the hydrant, turn on the water,
and put out the
fire.
M: I would attach the hose to
the hydrant, turn on the water,
and put out the
fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked
by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant.
What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose
from the hydrant and set the
house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously
solved form.
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| Subj:
Luann Comic Strip (S629b)
By Greg Evans From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/25/2009 |
 |
This comic strip discusses math
homework. Click 'HERE'
to see it.
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Subj: A Mathematician,
Biologist And Physicist Count People
A Mathematician, a Biologist
and a Physicist are sitting in
a street cafe watching people
going in and coming out of the
house on the other side of the
street.
First they see two people going
into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three
persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement
wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They
have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly
1 person enters the house
then it will beempty
again."
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Subj: Two
Men In A Hot Air Balloon
..........(Also
see 'Lost
pilot Askes Directions' in PILOT file)
Two men are in a hot air balloon
floating over the countryside.
They are lost. They see
a man far below them and scream down
to him "where are we?"
After about a minute and a half, the
man shouts back" You're in a
hot air balloon!"
One of the men in the balloon
tells his friend "that must be a
mathematician."
"How do you know?" , the other
asks. "Three reasons:
1) He took a while to answer.
2) He was absolutely correct
3) His answer didn't help me
in the least!"
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 |
Subj:
Frazz Comic Strips (S621c)
by Jeff Mallett From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/1/2007 |
In these episodes janitor Edwin
Frazier and a student
discuss hard math problems.
Click 'HERE' to see these
comic strips.
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Subj: A Topologist
Goes In A Bar
A topologist walks into a bar
and orders a drink. The
bartender, being a number theorist,
says, "I'm sorry, but
we don't serve topologists here."
The disgruntled topologist walks
outside, but then gets an
idea and performs Dahn surgery
upon herself. She walks
into the bar, and the bartender,
who does not recognize
her since she is now a different
manifold, serves her a
drink. However, the bartender
thinks she looks familiar,
or at least locally similar,
and asks, "Aren't you that
topologist that just came in
here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Subj: Noah
And Two Snakes (S73)
From: Anaise on 98-06-23
After the Great Flood was over,
Noah gently eased the Ark
down on top of a Turkish mountain
range. Once everything
was secured, he got off and
personally supervised the
release of the animals on board.
As each pair was released
from the hold to go hopping,
crawling and fluttering away,
Noah said to them "Go forth
and multiply!"
At one point, a pair of snakes
came slithering down the
ramp together. Noah addressed
them as he had all the
others: "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes looked at one
another in embarassment, and
then replied "We can't. We're
adders."
Well, this set Noah to thinking.
He bid the snakes to wait
there for a little while.
Then he went down to the hold,
gathered up his carpentry tools
(left over from the big
Ark-building endeavor 40 days
and nights ago, I suppose),
and then set off into the forest.
He returned later
dragging along a bunch of fallen
logs.
Then there was furious activity:
Noah was sawing, planing,
hammering away at the logs.
When he was finished, he
presented to the snakes a newly
built, rough-hewn table.
Then he said to them again,
"Go forth and multiply!"
"But we're adders!" the snakes
moaned. Noah said, "Yes,
but even adder can multiply
using log tables!"
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| Subj:
Crazy Math (S683b)
From: Wimp.com on 2/13/2010 |
 |
Click on the above source, or
'HERE'
for my copy, to see
this video prove that 64 = 65.
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Smileys on the seesaw
from GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley |
