.
 
Subj: MATH2 File-mathematical Jokes
          (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 31855,13,cf.md4v,11)

Pencil from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28 - Video (S765)
.........................Pregnant Indian Math Problem (S309b)
.........................Ma and Pa Kettle Teach Kentucky Math - Video (S566)
.........................Top 10 Reasons To Convert To Metric System (S218)
.........................Dr Quantum Visits Flatland - Video (S675b)
.........................The Flagpole (S448)
.........................The Numbers - PPS (S664b)
.........................Math, Engineer, And Applied Math Differences
.........................Four Mobius Benchs (S481c)
.........................Two Math Professors In A Bar (S326)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S658)
.........................Polynomials (Polly Nomial has sex) (S34)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S503c)
.........................Pythagorean's Theorem
.........................B.C. Comic Strip (S855)
.........................Polish Scientists Steal A Plane
.........................One Big Happy Comic Strip (S640c)
.........................A Very Smart Horse
.........................Mathematician, Engineer, And Physicist At A Fire
.........................The Numbers "i" and "Pi" - Cartoon (S634)
.........................The Mathematician, And The Physicist At A Fire
.........................Mathematician, and Physicist At A Burning House
.........................Luann Comic Strip (S629b)
.........................A Mathematician, Biologist, And Physicist Count People
.........................Two Men In A Hot Air Balloon
.........................6 Frazz Comic Strips (S621c)
.........................A Topologist Goes In A Bar
.........................Noah And Two Snakes (S73)
.........................Crazy Math - Video (S683b)

The MATH1 file are nonmathematical math jokes
    MATH2 file are mathematical jokes
    Math3 file contains tests, and formulas
    Math4 file contains problems
    Math5 file contains quotes
    MATH6 file contains lymerics, short jokes, stories, and QA

============================================================Top
Subj:     Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28 (S765d)
          From: Wimp.com
          on 9/8/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLprXHbn19I
 Source2: http://www.dump.com/2011/09/05/7-times-13-equals-28-video/
 Source3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Giant
 (See "Who's On First" in BASEBALL
  and 'Abbot Teaches Costello About Computers' in QUOTES-COMED)

 In the 1946 movie, A Little Giant, Costello proves to Abbott
 that 13 times 7 is 28. Click on either of the top two sources,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very funny, classic video.

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Indian Math Problem (S309b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/30/2002

 An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
 The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he
 built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the
 second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy.
 He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife
 gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details
 a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of
 a hippopotamus hide.

 At this point, the chief then challenged the tribe to guess
 what had just occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
 Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had
 given birth to twin boys.

 "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

 The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the
 squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
 squaws of the other two hides."

Top
Subj:     Ma and Pa Kettle Teach Kentucky Math
          From: tom on 11/22/2007 (S566d)
 In this wonderful video, Ma and Pa Kettle teach Kentucky
 math to a city slicker.  Clicking 'HERE'. to see this
 classic Ma and Pa Kettle routine.

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Reasons To Convert To Metric System (S218)
          From: America's Aversion to the Metric System
          at http://xocxoc.home.att.net/math/metrics.htm

 10. People will finally understand my joke about driving
     attoparsecs per nanocenturies.
  9. Gas will seem cheaper at 50 cents a liter.
  8. Being 22 kilos overweight does not sound as bad as 50 lbs.
  7. Defense will be easier if the offense has to drive 10
     meters for a first down.
  6. Arizona summers will not seem as bad when its only 40
     degrees outside.
  5. Its not "metric", its "Digital"!
  4. Imagine all the exciting math you will do converting
     your favorite recipes to milliliters.
  3. Less fractions to deal with like, "Do I need a five
     eighths socket or a nine sixteenths to loosen this nut?"
  2. The boy band 98? will not be as popular calling
     themselves 36.7?.
  1. Half a liter is more than a pint, which means, MORE
     BEER FOR EVERYBODY!

Top
Subj:     Dr Quantum Visits Flatland (S675b,d)
          From: GILBERT.HENDERSON.JR
          on 12/23/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWyTxCsIXE4

 The video, Dr. Quantum Visits Flatland, is based on the
 book Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott from Dover Publications,
 Inc., 1992, which was first published in 1884.

 It discusses what would happen if a two-dimensional
 world was visited by a three-dimensional being.
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to see this cute video.

Top
Subj:     The Flagpole (S448)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
      and From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005

 A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the
 height of a flag pole using a long tape measure.  The
 mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag
 pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he
 slips and falls down.

 The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes.
 He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only
 half way up.  He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up
 from there, but he also slips and falls.

 While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an
 engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist
 tell him their problem.  The engineer notices a crank at
 the base of the flag pole.  He turns the crank, and the
 flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground.  The
 engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole
 back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist:
 'It is 15 meters.'

 As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathe-
 matician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that
 just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and
 he gives you the length.'

Top
Subj:     The Numbers - PPS (S664b)
          From: lubin100 on 9/25/2009

 This PowerPoint Show explains why numbers are shaped the
 way are.  I do NOT believe this PPS is correct.  Click
 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     Math, Engineer, And Applied Math Differences
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

 A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person.
 He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer,
 or an applied mathematician.  As it happened, all the
 applicants were male. The businessman devised a test.

 The mathematician came first.  Miss How, the administrative
 assistant took him into the hall.  At the end of the hall,
 lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman.  Miss How said,
 "You may only go half the distance at a time.  When you reach
 the end, you may kiss our model."

 The mathmatician explained how he would never get there in a
 finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
 Then came the engineer.  He quickly bounded halfway down the
 hall, then halfway again, and so on.  Soon he declared he was
 well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful
 woman and kissed her.

 Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn.  Miss How
 explained the rules.  The applied mathematician listened
 politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch.
 "What was that about?" she cried.  "Well, you see I'm an
 applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change
 it!"

Top
Subj:     Four Mobius Benches (S481c)
          From: Science News on 4/10/2006
          At: http://blog.sciencenews.org/
 Mobius bench from Wasserman Real Estate Capital, LLC

 To view these four mobius benches on my web site, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Two Math Professors In A Bar (S326)
          From: banghar4
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 4/11/2003

 Two math professors are in a bar.  "Isn't it disgusting",
 the first one complains, "how little the general public
 knows about mathematics.  The average person does not
 know any math beyond high school."

 "Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too
 pessimistic."

 "I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I
 have to go to the washroom now."

 He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this
 opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a
 sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over and says,
 "When you bring our drinks, I'm going to ask you a mathe-
 matical question.  I want you to answer, 'One third x
 cubed.'  Can you do that?"

 The waitress says, "I don't know if I can remember that.
 One thurr...um..."

 "One third x cubed," says the prof.

 "One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.

 "One"

 "One"

 "Third"

 "Third"

 "X"

 "X"

 "Cubed"

 "Cubed"

 "One third X cubed"

 "One third X cubed"

 The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back.
 They resume their conversation until a few minutes later
 when the waitress brings their drinks.

 The professor says to the waitress, "Say, do you mind if
 I ask you something?"

 "Not at all"

 "Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"

 The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."

 The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his
 colleage grins smugly.  As the waitress walks away,
 she stops, turns, and adds, "Plus a constant!"

Top
(S628)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 8/14/2009
 Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/ripleys/index.html
 
Click on the button below

     to learn which 

       is larger.
 

.......

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Top
Subj:     Polynomials (Polly Nomial has sex) (S34)

 Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was
 strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the
 edge of a singularly large matrix.

 Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an
 absolute condition that she must never enter such an array
 without her brackets on.  Polly, however, who had changed
 her variables that morning and was feeling particularly
 badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that
 it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex
 elements.

 Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides.  Tangents
 approached her surface.  She became tensor and tensor.
 Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
 point.  She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction,
 and went completely divergent.  As she reached a turning point
 she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the
 erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient.  When she
 was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently
 alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

 She was being watched, however.  That smooth operator, Curly
 Pi, was lurking inner product.  As he numerically analyzed
 her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a
 singular expression crossed his face.  Was she still
 convergent, he wondered.  He decided to integrate improperly
 at once.

 Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw
 Curly approaching her with his power series expanding.  She
 could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.

 "What a symmetric little polynomial you are," he said.  "I
 can see that your angles have lots of secs."

 "Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me.  I haven't got
 my brackets on."

 "Calm yourself, my dear", said our suave operator.  "Your
 fears are purely imaginary."

 "I, i," she thought.  "Perhaps he's homogeneous."

 "What order are you?" the brute demanded.

 "Seventeen," replied Polly.

 "I suppose you've never been operated on?"

 "Of course not," Polly cried indignantly.  "I'm absolutely
 convergent."

 "Come, come," said Curly.  "Let's go off to a decimal place,
 and I'll take you to the limit!"

 "Never," gasped Polly.

 "Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.  His
 patience was gone.  Coshing her over the coefficient with
 a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discon-
 tinuities.  He stared at her significant places, and began
 smoothing out her points of inflection.  Poor Polly.  The
 algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his
 hand tending to her asymptotic limit.  Her convergence
 would soon be gone forever.

 There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.
 Curly's radius squared itself.  Polly's loci quivered.  He
 integrated by parts.  He integrated by partial fractions.
 After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her.  The
 complex beast even went all the way around and did a
 contour integration.  Curly went on operating until he
 satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became
 completely orthogonal.

 When Polly got home that night her mother noticed that she
 was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
 in several places.  As the months went by, Polly's
 denominator increased monotonically.  Finally she went to
 l'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function
 which left little surds all over the place and drove Polly
 to deviation.

 The moral of the story is, "If you want to keep your
 expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree
 of freedom."

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S503c)
          From: The Handley Math Page
         on 9/13/2006
 Source: http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester
........./jhhs/math/lessons/trig/joesine.html

 You can view this cute math cartoon at the source above, or
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Pythagorean's Theorem

 A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their
 woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket.
 Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide,
 while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide.  This
 tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a
 very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her
 blanket.  This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus
 hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from
 which her blanket was made.

 Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling
 tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or
 female.  As the men of the tribe admired her strength and
 power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe
 extremely jealous.  One year, two of the squaws petitioned
 the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a
 wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopot-
 amus hide as a team.  In this way, they hoped to see that
 she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.

 As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who
 were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and
 championship round of the wrestling contest.  As the match
 began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an
 opponent that was her equal.  The two sons wrestled and
 struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing
 with the powerful squaw.  Their match lasted for hours
 without a clear victor.

 Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the
 interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the
 match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.

 The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great
 struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult
 to decide a winner.  While the two young men had clearly
 outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the
 squaw to relinquish her tribal championship.  After all, it
 had taken two young men to finally provide her with a
 decent match.  Finally, after much deliberation, the chief
 came out from his teepee, and announced his decision.  He
 said...

 "The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons
 of the squaws of the other two hides"

Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (S855)
          By Mastroianni and Hart
          From: Creators.com on 5/23/2013
 Source: http://www.creators.com/comics/bc.html
.
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Top
Subj:     Polish Scientists Steal A Plane

 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive
 government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to
 fly them to a western country.  They drove to the airport,
 forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found
 there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the
 sirens got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested
 that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the
 aircraft.

 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.
 The sirens got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the
 jet.  The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please
 take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!"

 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just
 a simple pole in a complex plane."

Top
Subj:     One Big Happy Comic Strip (S640c)
          by Rick Detorie
          From: Creators.com on 4/16/2009
 Source: http://www.creators.com/today-comics.html

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute comic strip about milk,
 beer, and math.

Top
Subj:     A Very Smart Horse

 There was once a very smart horse.  Anything that was shown
 it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried
 to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't
 understand them.  All the horse's acquaintances and friends
 tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't.  Then
 a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at
 the problem and said,

 "Of course he can't do it.  Why, you're putting Descartes
 before the horse!"

Top
Subj:     Mathematician, Engineer, And Physicist At A Fire

 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in a hotel
 when a fire starts.  Quickly, the engineer smothers the
 flames in his room with a towel.  The physicist takes out
 his calculator and punches a few buttons.

 He fills his glass with exactly 3.7 oz of water and pours
 it slowly over the flames, quenching them.

 The mathematician goes to the sink, turns on the water and
 exclaims "I've proven it!  There is a solution!".

Top
Subj:     The Numbers "i" and "Pi" (S634)
          From MightyWombat.com on 2/24/2009
 Source: http://www.mightywombat.com/toons/numbers.gif
 

Top
Subj:     The Mathematician, And The Physicist At A Fire

 A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
 Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire.  The physicist
 grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket
 with water and puts out the fire.

 The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge.  Again,
 the coffee machine catches on fire.  This time, the mathe-
 matician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
 physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved
 one.

Top
Subj:     Mathematician, And Physicist At A Burning House

 A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

    Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
    a hose not connected to the hydrant.  What would you do?

 P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water,
    and put out the fire.

 M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water,
    and put out the fire.

 Then they were asked this question:

    Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
    a hydrant.  What would you do?

 P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

 M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the
    house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously
    solved form.

Top
Subj:     Luann Comic Strip (S629b)
          By Greg Evans
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/25/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/luann/

 This comic strip discusses math homework.  Click 'HERE'
 to see it.

Top
Subj:     A Mathematician, Biologist And Physicist Count People

 A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in
 a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the
 house on the other side of the street.

 First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
 After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

 The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
 The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
 The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house
    then it will beempty again."

Top
Subj:     Two Men In A Hot Air Balloon
..........(Also see 'Lost pilot Askes Directions' in PILOT file)

 Two men are in a hot air balloon floating over the countryside.
 They are lost.  They see a man far below them and scream down
 to him "where are we?"  After about a minute and a half, the
 man shouts back" You're in a hot air balloon!"

 One of the men in the balloon tells his friend "that must be a
 mathematician."

 "How do you know?" , the other asks.  "Three reasons:
 1) He took a while to answer.
 2) He was absolutely correct
 3) His answer didn't help me in the least!"

Top
Subj:     6 Frazz Comic Strips (S621c)
          by Jeff Mallett 
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/1/2007
 Source: http://comics.com/frazz/

 In these episodes janitor Edwin Frazier and a student
 discuss hard math problems.  Click 'HERE' to see these
 comic strips.

Top
Subj:     A Topologist Goes In A Bar

 A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The
 bartender, being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but
 we don't serve topologists here."

 The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an
 idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself.  She walks
 into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize
 her since she is now a different manifold, serves her a
 drink.  However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar,
 or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that
 topologist that just came in here?"

 To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Top
Subj:     Noah And Two Snakes (S73)
          From: Anaise on 98-06-23

 After the Great Flood was over, Noah gently eased the Ark
 down on top of a Turkish mountain range.  Once everything
 was secured, he got off and personally supervised the
 release of the animals on board. As each pair was released
 from the hold to go hopping, crawling and fluttering away,
 Noah said to them "Go forth and multiply!"

 At one point, a pair of snakes came slithering down the
 ramp together.  Noah addressed them as he had all the
 others: "Go forth and multiply!"  The snakes looked at one
 another in embarassment, and then replied "We can't.  We're
 adders."

 Well, this set Noah to thinking.  He bid the snakes to wait
 there for a little while.  Then he went down to the hold,
 gathered up his carpentry tools (left over from the big
 Ark-building endeavor 40 days and nights ago, I suppose),
 and then set off into the forest.  He returned later
 dragging along a bunch of fallen logs.

 Then there was furious activity: Noah was sawing, planing,
 hammering away at the logs.  When he was finished, he
 presented to the snakes a newly built, rough-hewn table.
 Then he said to them again, "Go forth and multiply!"

 "But we're adders!" the snakes moaned.  Noah said, "Yes,
 but even adder can multiply using log tables!"

Top
Subj:     Crazy Math (S683b,d)
          From: Wimp.com
          on 2/13/2010
 Source: http://www.wimp.com/crazymath/

 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
 this video prove that 64 = 65.

                            \\\//
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.........................From GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley
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