(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 10765,12,cf)
file are nonmathematical math jokes
MATH2 file are mathematical jokes
Math3 file contains tests, and formulas
Math4 file contains problems
Math5 file contains quotes
MATH6 file contains lymerics, short jokes, stories, and Q/A.
Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28 (S765)
In the 1946 movie, A Little Giant,
Costello proves to Abbott
that 13 times 7 is 28. Click on either of the top two sources,
or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very funny, classic video.
Subj: Pregnant Indian Math Problem (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/30/2002
An Indian chief had three wives,
each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he
built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the
second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy.
He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife
gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details
a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of
a hippopotamus hide.
At this point, the chief then
challenged the tribe to guess
what had just occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had
given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary.
The value of the
squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides."
Ma and Pa Kettle Teach Kentucky Math
From: tom on 11/22/2007 (S566)
Subj: Top 10 Reasons To Convert To Metric System (S218)
From: America's Aversion to the Metric System
10. People will finally understand
my joke about driving
attoparsecs per nanocenturies.
9. Gas will seem cheaper at 50 cents a liter.
8. Being 22 kilos overweight does not sound as bad as 50 lbs.
7. Defense will be easier if the offense has to drive 10
meters for a first down.
6. Arizona summers will not seem as bad when its only 40
5. Its not "metric", its "Digital"!
4. Imagine all the exciting math you will do converting
your favorite recipes to milliliters.
3. Less fractions to deal with like, "Do I need a five
eighths socket or a nine sixteenths to loosen this nut?"
2. The boy band 98? will not be as popular calling
1. Half a liter is more than a pint, which means, MORE
BEER FOR EVERYBODY!
Dr Quantum Visits Flatland (S675b)
The video, Dr. Quantum Visits
Flatland, is based on the
book Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott from Dover Publications,
Inc., 1992, which was first published in 1884.
It discusses what would happen
if a two-dimensional
world was visited by a three-dimensional being.
Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see this cute video.
Subj: The Flagpole (S448)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
and From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005
A mathematician and a physicist
are trying to measure the
height of a flag pole using a long tape measure. The
mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag
pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he
slips and falls down.
The physicist notices a ladder
lying nearby in the bushes.
He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only
half way up. He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up
from there, but he also slips and falls.
While they sit near the pole
scratching their heads, an
engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist
tell him their problem. The engineer notices a crank at
the base of the flag pole. He turns the crank, and the
flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The
engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole
back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist:
'It is 15 meters.'
As the engineer walks off into
the distance, the mathe-
matician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that
just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and
he gives you the length.'
The Numbers (S664b)
From: lubin100 on 9/25/2009
Drawing from Valdosta State University...
This PowerPoint Show explains
why numbers are shaped the
way are. I do NOT believe this PPS is correct. Click
'HERE' to view it.
Subj: Math, Engineer, And Applied Math Differences
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
A businessman needed to employ
a quantitative type person.
He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer,
or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the
applicants were male. The businessman devised a test.
The mathematician came first.
Miss How, the administrative
assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall,
lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said,
"You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach
the end, you may kiss our model."
The mathmatician explained how
he would never get there in a
finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the
hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was
well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful
woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's
turn. Miss How
explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened
politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch.
"What was that about?" she cried. "Well, you see I'm an
applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change
Four Mobius Benches (S481c)
From: Science News on 4/10/2006
To view these four mobius benches on my web site, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Two Math Professors In A Bar (S326)
and From: LABLaughs.com on 4/11/2003
Two math professors are in a
bar. "Isn't it disgusting",
the first one complains, "how little the general public
knows about mathematics. The average person does not
know any math beyond high school."
"Well", his colleague replies,
"you're perhaps a bit too
"I don't think so", the first
one replies. "And anyhow, I
have to go to the washroom now."
He goes off, and the other professor
decides to use this
opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a
sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over and says,
"When you bring our drinks, I'm going to ask you a mathe-
matical question. I want you to answer, 'One third x
cubed.' Can you do that?"
The waitress says, "I don't know
if I can remember that.
"One third x cubed," says the prof.
"One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.
"One third X cubed"
"One third X cubed"
The waitress leaves, and the
other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation until a few minutes later
when the waitress brings their drinks.
The professor says to the waitress,
"Say, do you mind if
I ask you something?"
"Not at all"
"Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"
The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."
The other professor's mouth drops
wide open, and his
colleage grins smugly. As the waitress walks away,
she stops, turns, and adds, "Plus a constant!"
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 8/14/2009
|Click on the button below
to learn which
Subj: Polynomials (Polly Nomial has sex) (S34)
Once upon a time (1/t), pretty
little Polly Nomial was
strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the
edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and
her mother had made it an
absolute condition that she must never enter such an array
without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed
her variables that morning and was feeling particularly
badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that
it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex
Rows and columns enveloped her
on all sides. Tangents
approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction,
and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point
she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the
erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she
was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently
alone, in a non-Euclidean space.
She was being watched, however.
That smooth operator, Curly
Pi, was lurking inner product. As he numerically analyzed
her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a
singular expression crossed his face. Was she still
convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly
Hearing a common fraction behind
her, Polly rotated and saw
Curly approaching her with his power series expanding. She
could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.
"What a symmetric little polynomial
you are," he said. "I
can see that your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "keep
away from me. I haven't got
my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear", said
our suave operator. "Your
fears are purely imaginary."
"I, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
"I suppose you've never been operated on?"
"Of course not," Polly cried
indignantly. "I'm absolutely
"Come, come," said Curly.
"Let's go off to a decimal place,
and I'll take you to the limit!"
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the
vilest oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with
a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discon-
tinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The
algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his
hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence
would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly
was a heavyside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions.
After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a
contour integration. Curly went on operating until he
satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became
When Polly got home that night
her mother noticed that she
was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
in several places. As the months went by, Polly's
denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to
l'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function
which left little surds all over the place and drove Polly
The moral of the story is, "If
you want to keep your
expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree
Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S503c)
From: The Handley Math Page
You can view this cute math cartoon
at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Pythagorean's Theorem
A tribe of Native Americans generally
referred to their
woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket.
Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide,
while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This
tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a
very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her
blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus
hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from
which her blanket was made.
Year after year, this woman entered
the tribal wrestling
tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or
female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and
power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe
extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned
the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a
wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopot-
amus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that
she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.
As the luck of the draw would
have it, the two sons who
were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and
championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match
began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an
opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and
struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing
with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours
without a clear victor.
Finally the chief intervened
and declared that, in the
interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the
match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.
The chief retired to his teepee
and contemplated the great
struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult
to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly
outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the
squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it
had taken two young men to finally provide her with a
decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief
came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He
"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus
hide is equal to the sons
of the squaws of the other two hides"
Subj: Polish Scientists Steal A Plane
A bunch of Polish scientists
decided to flee their repressive
government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to
fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport,
forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found
there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the
sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested
that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the
He sat down at the controls and
tried to figure them out.
The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the
jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please
take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied,
"Have patience. I'm just
a simple pole in a complex plane."
One Big Happy Comic Strip (S640c)
by Rick Detorie
From: Creators.com on 4/16/2009
to see this cute comic strip about milk,
beer, and math.
Subj: A Very Smart Horse
There was once a very smart horse.
Anything that was shown
it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried
to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't
understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends
tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then
a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at
the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it.
Why, you're putting Descartes
before the horse!"
Subj: Mathematician, Engineer, And Physicist At A Fire
An engineer, a physicist and
a mathematician are in a hotel
when a fire starts. Quickly, the engineer smothers the
flames in his room with a towel. The physicist takes out
his calculator and punches a few buttons.
He fills his glass with exactly
3.7 oz of water and pours
it slowly over the flames, quenching them.
The mathematician goes to the
sink, turns on the water and
exclaims "I've proven it! There is a solution!".
Subj: The Numbers "i" and "Pi" (S634)
From MightyWombat.com on 2/24/2009
Subj: The Mathematician, And The Physicist At A Fire
A physicist and a mathematician
setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist
grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket
with water and puts out the fire.
The second day, the same two
sit in the same lounge. Again,
the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathe-
matician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved
Subj: Mathematician, And Physicist At A Burning House
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked
by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to
the hydrant, turn on the water,
and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to
the hydrant, turn on the water,
and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked
by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose
from the hydrant and set the
house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously
Luann Comic Strip (S629b)
By Greg Evans
From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/25/2009
This comic strip discusses math
homework. Click 'HERE'
to see it.
Subj: A Mathematician, Biologist And Physicist Count People
A Mathematician, a Biologist
and a Physicist are sitting in
a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the
house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going
into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house
then it will beempty again."
Subj: Two Men In A Hot Air Balloon
..........(Also see 'Lost pilot Askes Directions' in PILOT file)
Two men are in a hot air balloon
floating over the countryside.
They are lost. They see a man far below them and scream down
to him "where are we?" After about a minute and a half, the
man shouts back" You're in a hot air balloon!"
One of the men in the balloon
tells his friend "that must be a
"How do you know?" , the other
asks. "Three reasons:
1) He took a while to answer.
2) He was absolutely correct
3) His answer didn't help me in the least!"
Frazz Comic Strips (S621c)
by Jeff Mallett
From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/1/2007
In these episodes janitor Edwin
Frazier and a student
discuss hard math problems. Click 'HERE' to see these
Subj: A Topologist Goes In A Bar
A topologist walks into a bar
and orders a drink. The
bartender, being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but
we don't serve topologists here."
The disgruntled topologist walks
outside, but then gets an
idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks
into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize
her since she is now a different manifold, serves her a
drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar,
or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that
topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Subj: Noah And Two Snakes (S73)
From: Anaise on 98-06-23
After the Great Flood was over,
Noah gently eased the Ark
down on top of a Turkish mountain range. Once everything
was secured, he got off and personally supervised the
release of the animals on board. As each pair was released
from the hold to go hopping, crawling and fluttering away,
Noah said to them "Go forth and multiply!"
At one point, a pair of snakes
came slithering down the
ramp together. Noah addressed them as he had all the
others: "Go forth and multiply!" The snakes looked at one
another in embarassment, and then replied "We can't. We're
Well, this set Noah to thinking.
He bid the snakes to wait
there for a little while. Then he went down to the hold,
gathered up his carpentry tools (left over from the big
Ark-building endeavor 40 days and nights ago, I suppose),
and then set off into the forest. He returned later
dragging along a bunch of fallen logs.
Then there was furious activity:
Noah was sawing, planing,
hammering away at the logs. When he was finished, he
presented to the snakes a newly built, rough-hewn table.
Then he said to them again, "Go forth and multiply!"
"But we're adders!" the snakes
moaned. Noah said, "Yes,
but even adder can multiply using log tables!"
Crazy Math (S683b)
Click on the above source, or
for my copy, to see
this video prove that 64 = 65.
|Smileys on the seesaw
GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley