| >>>
Subj: MATH6 - lymerics, short jokes, stories, and Q-A. (Includes 134 jokes and articles, 23854,11,cf,md4,8) |
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Abacus from Best Animation |
The MATH1file
are nonmathematical math jokes
MATH2
file are mathematical jokes
Math3
file contains tests, and formulas
Math4
file contains problems
Math5
file contains quotes
MATH6
file contains lymerics, short jokes-stories, and Q/A.
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Pi Rap Song And Video (S459d)
by Hard 'n Phirm At: http://www.hardnphirm.com/ |
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You can view this great video
at either source, or on
my site by clicking 'HERE'.
.
.
Hard 'n Phirm are both able and anxious to display their comedy wares for an 18-34 year old audience with a hilarity. This is a smoothie of stand-up, music and multimedia slide presentations. They currently reside in Los Angeles and are nice. ----- and here is Pi's lyrics -----
When ink and pen in hands of men
3.1415926535897932384
forever constant homily says
yeah i know this pi shit backwards
and forwards—check it out
5 of the chicks wore 6 inch heels
3.141592653589793238462643383279502
|
Top
Here's a limerick I picked up off the
net a few years back.
Looks better on paper.
3_
Which, of course, translates to:
\/3
Integral z-squared dz
/
from 1 to the cube root of 3
| 2
3 x pi 3_
times the cosine
| z dz x cos( ----------)
= ln (\/e ) of three pi over 9 equals
|
9
log of the cube root of 'e'.
/
And it's correct, too.
1
--Doug Walker, SAS Institute
------------------------------------------------------------Top
Subj: An Egg-Head
Limerick: (S11, S585b)
This poem was written by John Saxon
(an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144
+ 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with
the poem:
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square
root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times
eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero,
no more.
------------------------------------------------------------Top
Subj: Other
Limericks
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix
it at 3
For it's
simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
("The Lure of the Limerick"
by W.S. Baring-Gould,
p.5. Attributed to Harvey L.
Carter).
-----------------------------------------|------------------------------
|
If inside a circle a line
| If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Hits the center and goes spine
to spine | Is raised to the power of 1
And the line's length is "d"
| Over x, you will find
the circumference will be
| Here's the value defined:
d times 3.14159
| 2.718281...
|
-----------------------------------------|------------------------------
Cheers done phonetically:
|
| e to the u, du/dx
ee to the ex dee ex,
| e to the x dx
ee to the why dee why,
| cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
sine x, cosine x,
| 3.14159
natural log of y,
| integral, radical, u dv,
derivative on the left
| slipstick, slide rule, MIT!
derivative on the right
|
integrate, integrate,
|-------------------------------
fight! fight! fight!
|
| Geometry keeps you in shape.
-----------------------------------------|
Decimals make a point.
| Einstein was ahead of his time.
One and one make two,
| Lobachevski was out of line.
But if one and one should marry,
|
Isn't it queer-
|-------------------------------
Within a year
|
There's two and one to carry.
|
Top
Subj: Absent
Minded Professor
From: Science Jokes on 7/18/01
at http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner
were both the subject of many
dotty professor stories.
Von Neumann supposedly had the
habit of simply writing answers
to homework assignments on
the board (the method of solution
being, of course, obvious)
when he was asked how to solve
problems. One time one of his
students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if
there was another way to solve
the problem. Von Neumann
looked blank for a moment, thought,
and then answered, "Yes.".
Weiner was in fact very absent
minded. The following story
is told about him: When they
moved from Cambridge to Newton
his wife, knowing that he would
be absolutely useless on the
move, packed him off to MIT
while she directed the move.
Since she was certain that he
would forget that they had
moved and where they had moved
to, she wrote down the new
address on a piece of paper,
and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an
insight occurred to him. He
reached in his pocket, found
a piece of paper on which he
furiously scribbled some notes,
thought it over, decided
there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of
paper away. At the end
of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of
course).
When he got there he realized
that they had moved, that he
had no idea where they had moved
to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long
gone. Fortunately
inspiration struck. There
was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of
asking her where he had moved
to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps
you know me. I'm Norbert
Weiner and we've just moved.
Would you know where we've
moved to?" To which the
young girl replied, "Yes daddy,
mommy thought you would forget."
The capper to the story is that
I asked his daughter (the
girl in the story) about the
truth of the story, many
years later. She said
that it wasn't quite true -- that
he never forgot who his children
were! The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to
what actually happened.
-- Richard Harter, Computer
Corp. of America, Cambridge, MA
Top
Subj: A Fermi
Story
Another "true" story, kinda like
the aforementioned urban
legend:
Enrico Fermi, while studying
in college, was bored by his
math classes. He walked
up to the professor and said, "My
classes are too easy!"
The professor looked at him, and
said, "Well, I'm sure you'll
find this interesting." Then
the professor copied 9 problems
from a book to a paper and
gave the paper to Fermi.
A month later, the professor ran
into Fermi, "So how are you
doing with the problems I gave
you?" "Oh, they are very
hard. I only managed to solve 6
of them." The professor
was visibly shocked, "What!? But
those are unsolved problems!"
Top
Subj: Gauss
In 10th Grade
Shortly after his seventh birthday
Gauss entered his first
school, a squalid relic of the
Middle Ages run by a virile
brute, one Buettner, whose idea
of teaching the hundred or
so boys in his charge was to
trash them into such a state
of terrified stupidity that
the forgot their own names.
..... In his tenth year
Gauss was admitted to the class
in arithmetic. As it was
the beginning class none of the
boys had ever heard of an arithmetical
progression. It
was easy then for the heroic
Buettner to give out a long
problem in addition whose answer
he could find by a formula
in a few seconds. The
problem was of the following sort,
81297 + 81495 + 81693 + ...
+ 100899, where the step from
one number to the next is the
same all along (here 198),
and a given number of terms
(here 100) are to be added.
It was the custom of the school
for the boy who first got
the answer to lay his slate
on the table; the next laid
his slate on top of the first,
and so on. Buettner had
barely finished stating the
problem when Gauss flung his
slate on the table.
"There it lies", he said.
Then, for the ensuing hour,
while the other boys toiled,
he sat with his hands folded,
favored now and then by a sarcastic
glance from Buettner,
who imagined the youngest pupil
in the class was just
another blockhead. At
the end of the period Buettner
looked over the slates.
On Gauss' slate there appeared
but a single number. To
the end of his days Gauss loved
to tell how the one number he
had written was the correct
answer and how all the others
were wrong.
Gauss had not been shown the
trick for doing such problems
rapidly. It is very ordinary
once it is known, but for a
boy of ten to find it instantaneously
by himself is not so
ordinary. This opened
the door through wich Gauss passed
on to immortality. Buettner
was so astonished at what the
boy had done without instruction
that he promptly redeemed
himself and to at least one
of his pupils became a humane
teacher.
-- Eric Temple Bell,
"The prince of mathematicians" in
James R. Neuman "The
world of mathematics" part I page 293-294.
Top
Subj: Calc
Final At Ohio State (S585b)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
The setting is Ohio State University
about six or seven
years ago in a huge lecture
hall (approximately 1000
students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular
calculus teacher wasn't very
well liked. He was one of
those guys who would stand at
the front of the class and
yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a
test, a real charmer.
Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure
that nobody cheated and that
everyone was aware of how much
time they had left before
their failure on the test was
complete, he had the students
stack the completed tests on
the huge podium at the front
of the room. This made
for quite a mess, remember there
were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular
final, one guy entered the
test needing a decent grade
to pass the class. His only
problem with Calculus was that
he did poorly when rushed,
and this ass standing in the
front of the room barking out
how much time was left before
the tests had to be handed
in didn't help him at all.
He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so
he hardly flinched when the
professor said "pencils down
and submit your scantron
sheets and work to piles at
the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten,
ten into twenty, twenty into
fourty... almost an hour after
the test was "officially
over", our friend finally put
down his pencil, gathered up
his work, and headed to the
front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time,
the professor sat at the front
of the room, strangely waiting
for the student to complete
his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?"
the professor asked as
the student stood in front of
him about to put down his
exam on one of the neatly stacked
piles of exams (the
professor had plenty of time
to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was
clear that the professor
had waited only to give the
student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you," the professor
gloated, "Your exam is an hour
late. You've FAILED it
and, consequently, I'll see
you next term when you repeat
my course."
The student smiled slyly and
asked the professor "Do you
know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor
gruffly, annoyed that the
student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question
mockingly, "Do you
know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor
dead in the eyes and
said slowly, "I didn't think
so", as he lifted up one
of the stacks half way, shoved
his test neatly into the
center of the stack, let the
stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around,
and walked casually
out of the huge lecture hall.
Top
Subj: Short
Math Jokes
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Subj:
9's Clock! (S854d)
From: Triple Nine Society on 5/23/2013 Source: http://www.cafepress.com/+wall_clock,2445706 . |
| Subj:
Agnes Comic Strip (S770)
by Tony Cochran From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/12/2011 |
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|
|
Subj:
Bizarro Cartoons (DU)
By Dan Piraro From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/9/2011 |
| Subj:
B.C. Comic Strip (747)
By Mastroianni and Hart From: Creators.com on 5/11/2011 |
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Subj:
Frank And Ernest On Pi (S597b)
By Bob Thaves From: FrankAndErnest.com on 6/25/2008 |
Top
Subj: Math
Comics (S334b)
From AJSwitzer
I have collected math comics
for the last twenty years.
I took my ten favorites and
put them on my joke web site.
To see them go to click 'Here'.
| Subj:
Frank And Ernest On The Numbers Zero
By Bob Thaves (S594b) From: WashingtonPost.com on 5/1/2008 |
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Top
Subj: Oakland
Teacher Arrested (S331)
From: janeenmarie on 6/4/2003
(Also see 'US
Arrests Iraqi School Teacher' in MIDDLEEAST
and 'The
Full Story-Weapons Of Math Instruction' in MATH1)
An Oakland teacher was arrested
yesterday evening
while attempting to board an
American Airlines plane
with a compass and protractor
in his luggage. He
is suspected of being a member
of the Al-Gi-Bra
terrorists organization and
will be charged with
transporting weapons of math
instruction.
Top
Subj: Fractions
Bumper Sticker (S487b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19960416
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Top
Subj: Polygons
(S129)
From: chrish on 7/13/99
My geometry tutor told me "A
six-sided polygon is called
a hexagon, a five-sided ones
are called pentagons."
"What about two sided ones?" I asked.
"They don't exist." was his response.
"I beg to differ! I think
we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
Top
Subj: Why
Is Six Afraid Of Seven? (S431)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 4/29/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050122
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Top
Subj: Circle
Riddle (S239b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/27/2001
How many sides does a circle
have?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
Answer:
The inside and the outside.
![]() |
Subj:
Frank And Ernest On Teaching Math (S647b)
By Bob Thaves From: FrankAndErnest.com on 6/1/2009 |
If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you
have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand
An engineer thinks that his equations
are an approximation
to reality.
A physicist thinks reality
is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't
care.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them
that this...
|?---------------------->|
is 12 inches.
There are only three laws of
nature, and one exception.
1) F=ma; 2) E=m(c
squared); 3) You can't push a rope
From these three
laws all others can be derived.
Except those explained
by CHAOS THEORY.
How is math like sex.
Add the bed, subtract the clothes,
divide the legs, and MULTIPLY.
A second version
One attractive young businesswoman
to another, over lunch:
"My life is all
math. I am trying to add to my
income, subtract
from my weight, divide my time,
and avoid
multiplying."
We use epsilons and deltas in
mathematics
because mathematicians tend
to make errors.
My geometry teacher was sometimes
acute,
and sometimes obtuse, but always,
he was right.
The limit as n goes to infinity
of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator
and denominator.
Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight
tails. A cat has one tail more
than no cat. Therefore,
a cat has nine tails.
-- Arndt Jonasson
A centipede is an inchworm that
has switched
to the metric system.
From: gibbz on 5/4/2003 (S328)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
Try multiplying 12345679 by any
two digit number
that adds to nine. It's
interesting.
Then there's every parent's scream
when their child
walks into the room dazed and
staggering: OH NO...
YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!
MADD = Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving
Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"
Old mathematicians never die;
they just lose some
of their functions.
Boy's Life, May 1973:
Ralph: Dad, will you do
my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son,
it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could
try.
Three mathematicians and a physicist
walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would
have ducked. (Ha,
that quack's me up!)
UR 2 Good
2 Me
2 Be
4 Got
==
10 "You are too
good to me to be forgotten"
Complete the next two terms of
this sequence:
O T T F F S S E .. ..
(A. N T - Nine Ten)
Likewise here:
3 3 5 4 4 3 5 5
(A. 4 3 -number of letters in
the words "nine" and "ten").
If you have three quarters, four
dimes, and four pennies,
you have $1.19. You also
have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able
to make change for a dollar.
(This would make a GREAT math
brain teaser!)
If you toss a penny 10000 times,
it will not be heads
5000 times, but more
like 4950. The heads picture weighs
more, so it ends up on
the bottom.
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
What keeps a square from moving
? why, square roots of course.
How many square roots does it
have ? why, 2 obviously.
16/64=1/4 by cancelling the 6's.
Here the result is true,
but the method is not. Do the
ends justify the means?
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think the're physical
chemists.
Physical Chemists think they're
physicists.
Physicists think they're God.
God thinks he is a mathematician
There is no way of falsifying "Unicorns exist."
There are three kinds of people
in the world.
Those who can count. And those
who can't. -- T.Blase
Did you know that five out of
three people
have trouble with fractions?
-- RugRat
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
When she told me I was average
she was just being mean.
"DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey,
from Saturday Night Live
From: humorlist-digest V2 #18 on 98-01-20
Instead of having "answers"
on a math test, they should
just call them "impressions,"
and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
Think of the biggest number you
can. Now add five. Then,
imagine if you had that many
Twinkies. Wow, that's five
more than the biggest number
you could come up with!
Rene Descartes came up with the
theory of coordinate geometry
by looking at a fly walk across
a tiled ceiling.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
A man who says marriage is a
50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women,
2 - Fractions
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Lottery: A tax on people
who are bad at math.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #133 on 98-05-28
Back the Metric System every
inch of the way!
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30 (S70)
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #185 on 98-07-24
Murphy's Law of the Day
"The sum of the intelligence
of the planet is constant;
the population is growing."
From: ossama on 98-08-12
I don't get even, I get odder.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #202 on 98-08-30
I believe five out of four people
have trouble with fractions.
From: smiles on 98-09-29 (S99)
.....................A SLICE OF PI
******************
3.14159265358979
1640628620899
23172535940
881097566
5432664
09171
036
5
From: Taven on 99-02-06 (S105)
God is real, unless previously
declared an integer
From: Anagram file in NonJokes
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus
one
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/27/99
(S135)
There are only 3 types of people
in the world.
Those who can count, and those
who can't.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/23/2001
(S216)
What did the number 0 say to
the number 8?
"Hey, nice belt!"
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001 (S231b)
If God had intended for man
to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten
disciples!
From: FrankRoesch on 2/10/2002 (S263)
Without geometry, life is pointless.
From: pns on 2/14/2003 (S319)
When you are dissatisfied and
would like
to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/9/2003
(S328b)
The shortest distance between
two points is always
under construction. --
Noelie Alite
Top
Subj: Geometry
Jokes (S205)
From: http://www.csun.edu/~hcmth014/comics/geojokes.html
1. What do you call a man who
spent all summer at the beach?
Tangent
2. What do you say when you
see an empty parrot cage?
Polygon
3. What do you call a crushed
angle?
A Rectangle
4. What did the Italian say
when when the witch doctor
removed the
curse?
Hexagon
5. What did the little acorn
say when he grew up?
Geometry
6. What do you call an angle
which is adorable?
acute angle
7. What do you use to tie up
a package?
A Chord
8. What do you call a fierce
beast?
A Line
9. What do you call more than
one L?
A Parallel
10. What do you call people
who are in favor of tractors?
Protractors
11. What should you do when
it rains?
Coincide
Top
Subj: Popsicle
Stick Riddle (S804)
From: Unilever
................Englewood
Cliffs, NJ 07632
Source: www.Popsicle.com
.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Question
and Answers
Q: Hear about the geometer who
went to the beach to
catch the rays?
A: He (or she) cane home a tangent?
Q: If one man can wash one stack
of dishes in one hour,
how many stacks
of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
A: None. They'll all sit
down together and watch
football on television.
Q: Did you hear about the constipated
mathematician?
A: He worked it out with logs!!
Q: Did you hear about the constipated
math teacher?
A: She worked it out with a
pencil.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross
the road?
A: Because he was already there!
Q: Do you know what the square
root of 69 is?
A: Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....)
Actually, it`s
8.3066238629269696969696969696969696969...
Q: What's the square root of
-69?
A: ...i 8 something...
Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty
Joke For 3/7/97
Q: What's 96?
A: 69 for dyslexics.
Q: What goes in thirteen twice?
A: Roman Polanski.
Q: What is 69 squared?
A: Dinner for 4.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What's the speed limit on
sex?
A1: 68. At 69 she'll blow a
rod.
A2: 68, at 69 you have to turn
around.
Q: What is the meaning of 6.9
for a woman?
A: 69 interrupted by a period!
(ouch..gross!)
Q: Why don't Klu Klux Klan members
study Calculus?
A: Klan members don't practice
Integration.
Q: "If a feight train is moving
along a level piece of track,
with a 20 knot
head wind, and a momentum force of 5x10 to
the power of eight
Kilo-Newtons, how many feminists does
it take to stop
the train?"
A: "As many as you can fit on
the track in front of it."
Q: What do you call the parts
of women's underware that have
set on the bottom
of a swimming pool for a month?
A: Algebra (Algy bra).
Q: What did the acorn say when
it grew up?
A: Geometry (Gee I'm a tree).
Q: What did the math mermaid
wear?
A: An algebra.
Q: How much dirt can you get
out of a 4 Cubic foot hole?
A: NONE , It's a hole .
Q: Why is the number ten afraid
of seven?
A: because seven ate nine.
Q: How many mathematicians does
it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to
the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many topologists does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really doesn't matter,
since they'd rather knot.
Q: Why do computer scientists
confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Q: What goes "Pieces of seven!
Pieces of seven!"?
A: A parroty error!!
Q: What did the circle say to
the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"
Q: Why did the mathematician
name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue
at every pole.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy
you demand from an
interpolation function,
the more expensive it becomes
to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline
Demand.
Q: What do you call a teapot
of boiling water on top
of mount everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
Q: What do you call a broken
record?
A: A Decca-gone
Q: What do you get when you cross
50 female pigs and
50 male deer?
A: One hundred sows-and-bucks
Q: Why did the chicken cross
the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er,
um ...
From: tadams96 on 12/31/2004 (S414b)
Q: Why did the chicken cross
the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: What do you get if you cross
an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.
Q: What do you get if you cross
an elephant with a
mountain climber.
A: You can't do that.
A mountain climber is a scalar.
Q: What do you get when you cross
an elephant
with a banana?
A: Elephant banana sine theta
in a direction mutually
perpendicular to
the two as determined by the right
hand rule.
Q: To what question is the answer
"9W."
A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell
your name with a V?"
Q: What's non-orientable and
lives in the sea?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: How do you know if an Asian
broke into your house?
A: The cats missing and the
math homework is done!
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
Q: What do you get if you divide
the circumference of
a pumpkin by its
diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
Q: What is the difference between
a English actuary
and a Sicilian
actuary?
A: An English actuary can tell
you how many people
are going to die
next year. A Sicilian actuary
can give you their
names......
From: grs on 97-12-04 (S636b)
and
From: Reese Witherspoon on the Tonight
Show on 3/18/09
Q: What did the "0" say to the
"8"?
A: "Nice Belt!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: What do you call a missing
parrot?
A: A polygon.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/16/2004
(S407b)
Q: Why was 6 mad at 7?
A: Because 7-8-9
From: igiggle on 4/10/2005 (S428b)
Q: What kind of geometric shape
keeps falling apart?
A: A wrecktangle.
From: igiggle on 12/1/2005 (S462b)
Q: Why is a math book always
cranky?
A: Because it has lots of problems.
From: igiggle on 12/8/2005 (S462b)
Q: Which English king is responsible
for fractions?
A: Henry 1/8.
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.Sure
smiley from GIFs
Rubrik:Neon Smiley.
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.