Subj: MATH6 - lymerics, short jokes,
stories, and Q-A.
(Includes 134 jokes and articles, 23854,11,cf,md4,8)
are nonmathematical math jokes
MATH2 file are mathematical jokes
Math3 file contains tests, and formulas
Math4 file contains problems
Math5 file contains quotes
MATH6 file contains lymerics, short jokes-stories, and Q/A.
Pi Rap Song And Video (S459d)
by Hard 'n Phirm
You can view this great video
at either source, or on
my site by clicking 'HERE'.
Hard 'n Phirm are both able and anxious to display their comedy wares for an 18-34 year old audience with a hilarity. This is a smoothie of stand-up, music and multimedia slide presentations. They currently reside in Los Angeles and are nice.
----- and here is Pi's lyrics -----
When ink and pen in hands of men
forever constant homily says
yeah i know this pi shit backwards
and forwards—check it out
5 of the chicks wore 6 inch heels
Here's a limerick I picked up off the
net a few years back.
Looks better on paper.
3_ Which, of course, translates to:
\/3 Integral z-squared dz
/ from 1 to the cube root of 3
| 2 3 x pi 3_ times the cosine
| z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e ) of three pi over 9 equals
| 9 log of the cube root of 'e'.
/ And it's correct, too.
1 --Doug Walker, SAS Institute
Subj: An Egg-Head Limerick: (S11, S585b)
This poem was written by John Saxon
(an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
Subj: Other Limericks
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould,
p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter).
If inside a circle a line | If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Hits the center and goes spine to spine | Is raised to the power of 1
And the line's length is "d" | Over x, you will find
the circumference will be | Here's the value defined:
d times 3.14159 | 2.718281...
Cheers done phonetically: |
| e to the u, du/dx
ee to the ex dee ex, | e to the x dx
ee to the why dee why, | cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
sine x, cosine x, | 3.14159
natural log of y, | integral, radical, u dv,
derivative on the left | slipstick, slide rule, MIT!
derivative on the right |
integrate, integrate, |-------------------------------
fight! fight! fight! |
| Geometry keeps you in shape.
-----------------------------------------| Decimals make a point.
| Einstein was ahead of his time.
One and one make two, | Lobachevski was out of line.
But if one and one should marry, |
Isn't it queer- |-------------------------------
Within a year |
There's two and one to carry. |
Subj: Absent Minded Professor
From: Science Jokes on 7/18/01
Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner
were both the subject of many
dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the
habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious)
when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his
students tried to get more helpful information by asking if
there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann
looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
Weiner was in fact very absent
minded. The following story
is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton
his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the
move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.
Since she was certain that he would forget that they had
moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new
address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he
furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided
there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of
paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of course).
When he got there he realized
that they had moved, that he
had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately
inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved
to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert
Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've
moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy,
mommy thought you would forget."
The capper to the story is that
I asked his daughter (the
girl in the story) about the truth of the story, many
years later. She said that it wasn't quite true -- that
he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to what actually happened.
-- Richard Harter, Computer Corp. of America, Cambridge, MA
Subj: A Fermi Story
Another "true" story, kinda like
the aforementioned urban
Enrico Fermi, while studying
in college, was bored by his
math classes. He walked up to the professor and said, "My
classes are too easy!" The professor looked at him, and
said, "Well, I'm sure you'll find this interesting." Then
the professor copied 9 problems from a book to a paper and
gave the paper to Fermi. A month later, the professor ran
into Fermi, "So how are you doing with the problems I gave
you?" "Oh, they are very hard. I only managed to solve 6
of them." The professor was visibly shocked, "What!? But
those are unsolved problems!"
Subj: Gauss In 10th Grade
Shortly after his seventh birthday
Gauss entered his first
school, a squalid relic of the Middle Ages run by a virile
brute, one Buettner, whose idea of teaching the hundred or
so boys in his charge was to trash them into such a state
of terrified stupidity that the forgot their own names.
..... In his tenth year Gauss was admitted to the class
in arithmetic. As it was the beginning class none of the
boys had ever heard of an arithmetical progression. It
was easy then for the heroic Buettner to give out a long
problem in addition whose answer he could find by a formula
in a few seconds. The problem was of the following sort,
81297 + 81495 + 81693 + ... + 100899, where the step from
one number to the next is the same all along (here 198),
and a given number of terms (here 100) are to be added.
It was the custom of the school for the boy who first got
the answer to lay his slate on the table; the next laid
his slate on top of the first, and so on. Buettner had
barely finished stating the problem when Gauss flung his
slate on the table.
"There it lies", he said.
Then, for the ensuing hour,
while the other boys toiled, he sat with his hands folded,
favored now and then by a sarcastic glance from Buettner,
who imagined the youngest pupil in the class was just
another blockhead. At the end of the period Buettner
looked over the slates. On Gauss' slate there appeared
but a single number. To the end of his days Gauss loved
to tell how the one number he had written was the correct
answer and how all the others were wrong.
Gauss had not been shown the
trick for doing such problems
rapidly. It is very ordinary once it is known, but for a
boy of ten to find it instantaneously by himself is not so
ordinary. This opened the door through wich Gauss passed
on to immortality. Buettner was so astonished at what the
boy had done without instruction that he promptly redeemed
himself and to at least one of his pupils became a humane
-- Eric Temple Bell, "The prince of mathematicians" in
James R. Neuman "The world of mathematics" part I page 293-294.
Subj: Calc Final At Ohio State (S585b)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
The setting is Ohio State University
about six or seven
years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000
students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular
calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of
those guys who would stand at the front of the class and
yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a
test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that
everyone was aware of how much time they had left before
their failure on the test was complete, he had the students
stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front
of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there
were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular
final, one guy entered the
test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only
problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed,
and this ass standing in the front of the room barking out
how much time was left before the tests had to be handed
in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the
professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron
sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten,
ten into twenty, twenty into
fourty... almost an hour after the test was "officially
over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up
his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front
of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete
"What do you think you're doing?"
the professor asked as
the student stood in front of him about to put down his
exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the
professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor
had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you," the professor
gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it
and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat
The student smiled slyly and
asked the professor "Do you
know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor
gruffly, annoyed that the
student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question
mockingly, "Do you
know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor
dead in the eyes and
said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one
of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the
center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually
out of the huge lecture hall.
Subj: Short Math Jokes
9's Clock! (S854d)
From: Triple Nine Society
Agnes Comic Strip (S770)
by Tony Cochran
From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/12/2011
Bizarro Cartoons (DU)
By Dan Piraro
From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/9/2011
B.C. Comic Strip (747)
By Mastroianni and Hart
From: Creators.com on 5/11/2011
Frank And Ernest On Pi (S597b)
By Bob Thaves
From: FrankAndErnest.com on 6/25/2008
Subj: Math Comics (S334b)
I have collected math comics for the last twenty years.
I took my ten favorites and put them on my joke web site.
To see them go to click 'Here'.
Frank And Ernest On The Numbers Zero
By Bob Thaves (S594b)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 5/1/2008
Subj: Oakland Teacher Arrested (S331)
From: janeenmarie on 6/4/2003
(Also see 'US Arrests Iraqi School Teacher' in MIDDLEEAST
and 'The Full Story-Weapons Of Math Instruction' in MATH1)
An Oakland teacher was arrested yesterday evening
while attempting to board an American Airlines plane
with a compass and protractor in his luggage. He
is suspected of being a member of the Al-Gi-Bra
terrorists organization and will be charged with
transporting weapons of math instruction.
Subj: Fractions Bumper Sticker (S487b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2006
Subj: Polygons (S129)
From: chrish on 7/13/99
My geometry tutor told me "A six-sided polygon is called
a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons."
"What about two sided ones?" I asked.
"They don't exist." was his response.
"I beg to differ! I think
we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
Subj: Why Is Six Afraid Of Seven? (S431)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 4/29/2005
Subj: Circle Riddle (S239b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/27/2001
How many sides does a circle have?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
The inside and the outside.
Frank And Ernest On Teaching Math (S647b)
By Bob Thaves
From: FrankAndErnest.com on 6/1/2009
If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
An engineer thinks that his equations
are an approximation
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
is 12 inches.
There are only three laws of
nature, and one exception.
1) F=ma; 2) E=m(c squared); 3) You can't push a rope
From these three laws all others can be derived.
Except those explained by CHAOS THEORY.
How is math like sex.
Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and MULTIPLY.
A second version
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my
income, subtract from my weight, divide my time,
and avoid multiplying."
We use epsilons and deltas in
because mathematicians tend to make errors.
My geometry teacher was sometimes
and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.
The limit as n goes to infinity
of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more
than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
-- Arndt Jonasson
A centipede is an inchworm that
to the metric system.
From: gibbz on 5/4/2003 (S328)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Try multiplying 12345679 by any
two digit number
that adds to nine. It's interesting.
Then there's every parent's scream
when their child
walks into the room dazed and staggering: OH NO...
YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!
MADD = Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving
Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"
Old mathematicians never die;
they just lose some
of their functions.
Boy's Life, May 1973:
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
Three mathematicians and a physicist
walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked. (Ha,
that quack's me up!)
UR 2 Good
10 "You are too good to me to be forgotten"
Complete the next two terms of
O T T F F S S E .. ..
(A. N T - Nine Ten)
3 3 5 4 4 3 5 5
(A. 4 3 -number of letters in the words "nine" and "ten").
If you have three quarters, four
dimes, and four pennies,
you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
(This would make a GREAT math brain teaser!)
If you toss a penny 10000 times,
it will not be heads
5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs
more, so it ends up on the bottom.
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
What keeps a square from moving
? why, square roots of course.
How many square roots does it have ? why, 2 obviously.
16/64=1/4 by cancelling the 6's.
Here the result is true,
but the method is not. Do the ends justify the means?
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think the're physical chemists.
Physical Chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're God.
God thinks he is a mathematician
There is no way of falsifying "Unicorns exist."
There are three kinds of people
in the world.
Those who can count. And those who can't. -- T.Blase
Did you know that five out of
have trouble with fractions? -- RugRat
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
When she told me I was average she was just being mean.
"DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live
From: humorlist-digest V2 #18 on 98-01-20
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should
just call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Think of the biggest number you
can. Now add five. Then,
imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five
more than the biggest number you could come up with!
Rene Descartes came up with the
theory of coordinate geometry
by looking at a fly walk across a tiled ceiling.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #133 on 98-05-28
Back the Metric System every inch of the way!
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30 (S70)
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #185 on 98-07-24
Murphy's Law of the Day
"The sum of the intelligence
of the planet is constant;
the population is growing."
From: ossama on 98-08-12
I don't get even, I get odder.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #202 on 98-08-30
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
From: smiles on 98-09-29 (S99)
.....................A SLICE OF PI
From: Taven on 99-02-06 (S105)
God is real, unless previously declared an integer
From: Anagram file in NonJokes
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/27/99
There are only 3 types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/23/2001
What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
"Hey, nice belt!"
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001 (S231b)
If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
From: FrankRoesch on 2/10/2002 (S263)
Without geometry, life is pointless.
From: pns on 2/14/2003 (S319)
When you are dissatisfied and would like
to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/9/2003
The shortest distance between two points is always
under construction. -- Noelie Alite
Subj: Geometry Jokes (S205)
1. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
2. What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?
3. What do you call a crushed angle?
4. What did the Italian say when when the witch doctor
removed the curse?
5. What did the little acorn say when he grew up?
6. What do you call an angle which is adorable?
7. What do you use to tie up a package?
8. What do you call a fierce beast?
9. What do you call more than one L?
10. What do you call people who are in favor of tractors?
11. What should you do when it rains?
Subj: Popsicle Stick Riddle (S804)
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
Subj: Question and Answers
Q: Hear about the geometer who
went to the beach to
catch the rays?
A: He (or she) cane home a tangent?
Q: If one man can wash one stack
of dishes in one hour,
how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
A: None. They'll all sit down together and watch
football on television.
Q: Did you hear about the constipated
A: He worked it out with logs!!
Q: Did you hear about the constipated
A: She worked it out with a pencil.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross
A: Because he was already there!
Q: Do you know what the square
root of 69 is?
A: Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....)
Actually, it`s 8.3066238629269696969696969696969696969...
Q: What's the square root of
A: ...i 8 something...
Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty
Joke For 3/7/97
Q: What's 96?
A: 69 for dyslexics.
Q: What goes in thirteen twice?
A: Roman Polanski.
Q: What is 69 squared?
A: Dinner for 4.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What's the speed limit on
A1: 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod.
A2: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What is the meaning of 6.9
for a woman?
A: 69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!)
Q: Why don't Klu Klux Klan members
A: Klan members don't practice Integration.
Q: "If a feight train is moving
along a level piece of track,
with a 20 knot head wind, and a momentum force of 5x10 to
the power of eight Kilo-Newtons, how many feminists does
it take to stop the train?"
A: "As many as you can fit on the track in front of it."
Q: What do you call the parts
of women's underware that have
set on the bottom of a swimming pool for a month?
A: Algebra (Algy bra).
Q: What did the acorn say when
it grew up?
A: Geometry (Gee I'm a tree).
Q: What did the math mermaid
A: An algebra.
Q: How much dirt can you get
out of a 4 Cubic foot hole?
A: NONE , It's a hole .
Q: Why is the number ten afraid
A: because seven ate nine.
Q: How many mathematicians does
it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many topologists does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.
Q: Why do computer scientists
confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Q: What goes "Pieces of seven!
Pieces of seven!"?
A: A parroty error!!
Q: What did the circle say to
the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"
Q: Why did the mathematician
name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy
you demand from an
interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q: What do you call a teapot
of boiling water on top
of mount everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
Q: What do you call a broken
A: A Decca-gone
Q: What do you get when you cross
50 female pigs and
50 male deer?
A: One hundred sows-and-bucks
Q: Why did the chicken cross
the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
From: tadams96 on 12/31/2004 (S414b)
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: What do you get if you cross
an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.
Q: What do you get if you cross
an elephant with a
A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.
Q: What do you get when you cross
with a banana?
A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually
perpendicular to the two as determined by the right
Q: To what question is the answer
A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"
Q: What's non-orientable and
lives in the sea?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: How do you know if an Asian
broke into your house?
A: The cats missing and the math homework is done!
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of
a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
Q: What is the difference between a English actuary
and a Sicilian actuary?
A: An English actuary can tell you how many people
are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary
can give you their names......
From: grs on 97-12-04 (S636b)
From: Reese Witherspoon on the Tonight Show on 3/18/09
Q: What did the "0" say to the "8"?
A: "Nice Belt!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: What do you call a missing parrot?
A: A polygon.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/16/2004
Q: Why was 6 mad at 7?
A: Because 7-8-9
From: igiggle on 4/10/2005 (S428b)
Q: What kind of geometric shape keeps falling apart?
A: A wrecktangle.
From: igiggle on 12/1/2005 (S462b)
Q: Why is a math book always cranky?
A: Because it has lots of problems.
From: igiggle on 12/8/2005 (S462b)
Q: Which English king is responsible for fractions?
A: Henry 1/8.
..............................Sure smiley from GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley.