.
.
>>>
Subj:     School-Supp Jokes
                 (Includes 45 jokes and articles, 15849n,2,cf,vT3,1)

Dummy from
Degsworld
Includes the following:  Pre-School Test (S463)
.........................Teacher Reads Chicken Little Story (S477)
.........................Neighbor Follows Tim To School (S364b, S862)
.........................Did You Know - WMV Video (S526b)
.........................What Teachers Make (S526)
.........................Shakespear In Elementary School (S507)
.........................Interview With A Teaching Prospect (S410)
.........................Man Meets Perky Young Lady (S401b)
.........................Blonde Waves In Supermarket (S464, S616)
.........................Harry Wants To Jump To 3rd Grade (S341, S647b)
.........................The Sneeze (S341b)
.........................First Grade Teacher Explains Politics (S312, S613)
.........................Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S310)
.........................Little Johnny Learns About Electricity (S435b)
.........................Little Johnny Uses 'Fascinate' (S408b, S695b)
.........................Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating (S382)
.........................Little Johnny Has A Substitute (S308)
.........................Classroom Computer Crashes (S300)
.........................The New School Prayer (S297)
.........................The Blueberry Story (S276b)
.........................The Sister's 'List Of Names' Assignment (S92, S393b)
.........................Short School Jokes
..............................Circumnavigating The Globe (S463b)
..............................Using 'I' IN A Sentence (S423b)
..............................Public Schools - Definition (S397b)
..............................Teacher's Salaries (S394)
..............................Teacher Questionaire (S391b)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke (S351b)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke2 (S383)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke3 (S390b)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke4 (S390b)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke5 (S475c)
..............................School Board Cancels Advanced English (S334)
..............................Letter To The First Grade Teacher (S300)

SCHOOL1 and 2 contains jokes
SCHOOL3 contains jokes and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Pre-School Test (S463)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/7/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 (See 'What Number Is Under The Parked Car?' in BrainTeasers-Supp)

 Pre-school children were asked the following question:
 "In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
.
.......
.
 Look carefully at the picture.

 Do you know the answer?

 The only possible answers are "left" and "right."

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

 The pre-schoolers all answered "left."
 

 When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left
 direction?" they answered: "Because you can't see the door."

 Feel pretty silly now, don't you?

 I know .. me, too.

Top
Subj:     Teacher Reads Chicken Little Story (S477)
          From: vaterbenicia on 3/13/2006

 One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
 Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the
 story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.  She
 read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
 and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

 The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
 think that farmer said?"

 One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

 The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Top
Subj:     Neighbor Follows Tim To School (S364b, S862)
          From: gordonschuk on 6/6/2007
      and From: tom on 7/16/2013

 Timmy was a five-year-old boy.  His mother loved him very much.
 A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about
 his walking to school.  She walked him to school for a couple
 of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want
 her walking him to school every day.  He wanted to be like the
 "big boys."

 She had an idea how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor, Mrs.
 Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a
 distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to
 keep a watch on him.  Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up
 early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them
 to get some exercise as well.

 The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl Marcy
 set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy.
 She did this for the whole week.  As the boys walked and
 chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that
 a lady was following them every day all week.

 Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following
 us? Do you know her?"

 Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

 "Well, who is she?"

 "That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

 "Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she, and why is she
 following us?"

 "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the
 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much.  And the psalm
 says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days
 of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

Top
Subj:     Did You Know (S526b,d)
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/17/2007
 Source: http://www.scottmcleod.org/didyouknow.wmv
 (Also see "Did You Know II" in School-Supp2)

 This video presents an amazing amount of information so
 quickly that you feel overwhelmed, the first time you see
 it.  You can view it as a WMV video by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     What Teachers Make (S526)
          From: edapsmas on 2/20/2007

 The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing
 life, the media, and today's favorite topic, education.

 One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
 He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who
 decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

 He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about
 teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

 To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a
 teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

 Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness
 replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a
 second, then began...) "Well, I make kids work harder than
 they ever thought they could.

 I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.  I
 make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their
 parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game
 Cube or movie rental.. You want to know what I make?"

 (She paused again and looked at each and every person at
 the table.)

 I make kids wonder.  I make them question.  I make them
 criticize.  I make them apologize and mean it.  I make them
 have respect and take responsibility for their actions.  I
 teach them to write and then I make them write.  I make
 them read, read, read!  I make them show all their work in
 math.  I make my students from other countries learn every-
 thing they need to know in English while trying to preserve
 their unique cultural identity.  I make my classroom a place
 where all my students feel safe.  I make my students stand
 to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, because we live
 in the United States of America.  And I make them understand
 that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and
 follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.

 (Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

 "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I can
 hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are
 ignorant... You want to know what I make?

 I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  By the way Mark, what do you make?"

Top
Subj:     Shakespear In Elementary School (S507)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/5/2006

 Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads
 in their first school play.  It was to be Shakespearean play.
 The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have
 come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."  The
 second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol
 shot!"

 Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two
 little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats
 were going to be filled with grown-ups.  The teacher told
 them to take their places on the stage and to remember to
 speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.  The
 curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two
 boys were terrified.  They stood there frozen.  So the
 teacher whispered for them to begin.

 The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..."My
 fair maiden!. . .I have come to kiss your snatch and fill
 your hole with soap."

 The second boy screams out..."Hark! A shistol pot, a
 postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit...I never
 wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

 The audience left howling.

Top
Subj:     Interview With A Teaching Prospect (S410)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/25/2004

 After being interviewed by the school administration, the
 eager teaching prospect said:

 "Let me see if I've got this right.  "You want me to go into
 that room with all those kids and fill their every waking
 moment with a love for learning.  And I'm supposed to instill
 a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive
 behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor
 their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

 "You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
 diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction,
 and raise their self-esteem.

 "You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sports-
 manship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how
 to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

 "I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
 recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write
 letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships,
 encourage respect for their elders and future employers.

 "And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
 telephone, newsletter, and report card.

 "All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
 few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting
 salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

 "You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

Top
Subj:     Man Meets Perky Young Lady (S401b)
          From: JokesUncut - 13 July 2004

 A man exiting a grocery store was very surprised when a
 rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him
 cheerfully by saying, "Good evening!" Her face was beaming.

 At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are
 you?" look.  He couldn't remember having ever seen her
 before.  Then she obviously realized that a mistake had
 been made and apologized.  She explained, "Oh, I'm so
 sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father
 of one of my children."

 She walked on her way into the store.  The man was left
 staring dumbfounded after her.  More than a bit puzzled,
 he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an
 attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the
 father of her children look like."

 However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble
 one of her former suitors, but also hoped that nobody
 overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the
 father of one of her children.

 A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have
 forgotten a relationship?"

 "Could it be that I really fathered a child?"

 Still stunned, he walked to his car.

 He still did not realize, of course, that....

 She was a second grade teacher.

Version Two

Subj:     Blonde Waves In Supermarket (S464, S616)
          From: auntiegah on 12/12/2005
      and From: tom on 10/26/2008

 A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
 wave at him and say hello.  He's rather taken back, because
 he can't place where he knows her from.  So he asks, "Do
 you know me?"

 To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of
 my children."

 Now he thinks back to the ONLY time he's ever been unfaithful,
 and says "My GOD!  Are you the stripper from my bachelor party
 that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
 while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then
 stuck a carrot up my butt?".

 She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Top
Subj:     Harry Wants To Jump To 3rd Grade (S341, S647b)
          From: pns on 8/7/2003
      and From: tom on 5/31/2009

 A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
 one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your
 problem?"

 Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
 is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
 should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
 office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
 explained to the principal what the situation was.  The
 principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If
 he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
 to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
 him and he agreed to take the test.

 Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
 Harry: "9".
 Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
 Harry: "36".

 And so it went with every question the principal thought a
 3rd grader should know.

 The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think
 Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

 Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
 questions."

 The principal and Harry both agreed.

 Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
 only two of?"
 Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
 Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
 not have?"
 The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
 Harry replied: "Pockets."
 Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
 Harry: "Pants"
 Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
 oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
 Harry: "Coconut."
 The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
 Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
 and sticky?"
 The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
 stop the answer.
 Harry: "Bubble gum"
 Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do
 sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
 Harry: "Shake hands."
 The principal was trembling.
 Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in'K'
 that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
 Harry: "Firetruck"

 The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
 teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
 questions wrong."

Top
Subj:     The Sneeze (S341b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/2/2003

 They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students
 filing into the already crowded auditorium.  With rich
 maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked
 almost as grown up as they felt.  Dads swallowed hard
 behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears.

 This class would not pray during the commencements -----
 not by choice but because of a recent court ruling
 prohibiting it.  The principal and several students were
 careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the
 ruling.  They gave inspirational and challenging speeches,
 but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for
 blessings on the graduates or their families.

 The speeches were nice, but they were routine.......until
 the final speech received a standing ovation.  A solitary
 student walked proudly to the microphone.  He stood still
 and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his
 speech. An astounding -- SNEEZE!

 The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet,
 and in unison they said, "GOD BLESS YOU."  The audience
 exploded into applause.  The graduating class found a
 unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future
 with or without the court's approval.

Top
Subj:     First Grade Teacher Explains Politics (S312, S613)
          From: thebartend on 1/22/2003
      and From: darrellvip on 10/6/2008

 A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
 a liberal Democrat.  She then asked her students to raise
 their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.  Not
 really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting
 to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like
 fleshy fireworks.

 There was, however, one exception.  A girl named Lucy had
 not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy
 why she decided to be different.

 "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.

 The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

 "I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

 The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy
 why she was A conservative Republican?

 Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself
 and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government
 to care for me and do all of my thinking.  My dad and mom
 are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative
 Republican too."

 The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason.  What
 if your Mom and Dad were both morons?  What would you be
 then?"

 Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."

Top
Subj:     Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S310)
          From: tnkr on 1/11/2003
 (Also see 'Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost' in COMPUTERS3)

 A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced
 altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more
 and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend
 I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
 approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and
 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
 longitude."

 "You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.

 "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
 technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
 information, and the fact is I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've
 not been much help at all.  If anything, you've delayed my
 trip."

 The woman below responded, "You must be a School Administrator."

 "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
 you're going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large
 quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you've no
 idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve
 your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same
 position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
 fault."

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny Learns About Electricity (S435b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/24/2005
.
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 The teacher asked, "What is actually used as a conductor of
 electricity? Little Johnny?"

 Little Johnny stammered, "Why...er?"

 The teacher smiled and said, "Wire is right. Very good Little
 Johnny.

 Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?"

 Little Johnny asked, "The what?"

 His teacher was very pleased, saying, "That's absolutely
 correct-- the watt. Now, class, you should all take the
 time to study as diligently as Little Johnny does."

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny Uses 'Fascinate' (S408b, S695b)
          From: JokesUncut on 11/12/2004
      and From: darrellvip on 5/12/2010
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

 A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students
 to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

 Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my
 granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.  It was
 fascinating.'  The teacher said, 'That was good, but I
 wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

 Sally raised her hand.  She said, 'My family went to see
 the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated.  The teacher said,
 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
 word 'fascinate.'

 Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated
 because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.  She
 finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
 'fascinate', so she called on him.

 Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
 but her tits are so big she can only “fasten eight”

 The teacher sat down and cried.

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating (S382)
          From: mrx on 5/25/2004
.
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he
 looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the
 school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone!
 Look at that!"

 The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

 A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was
 those two dogs doing?

 The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and
 the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

 Little Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like
 life, you try to help someone out and end up getting
 screwed?"

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny Has A Substitute (S308)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/26/2002
.
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute
 in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello Class, I'm
 Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an
 "r" after the first letter."

 A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When
 Little Johnny gets to his desk, the teacher asks him what
 her name is. Johnny thinks hard and then says, "I remember
 it has an "r" after the first letter."

 "That's right." she coaxed.
 Then after a few second, Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

Top
Subj:     Classroom Computer Crashes (S300)
          From: crtoth516 on 11/1/2002

 The computer in my high school classroom recently started
 acting up.  After watching me struggle with it, one of my
 students took over.  "Your hard drive crashed," he said.

 I called the computer services office and explained, "My
 computer is down.  The hard drive crashed."

 "We can't just send people down on your say-so.  How do you
 know that's the problem?"

 "A student told me," I answered.

 "We'll send someone over right away."

Top
Subj:     The New School Prayer (S297)
          From: RFSlick on 10/12/2002

 Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are
 not allowed in most public schools anymore because the
 word "God" is mentioned.... a kid in Arizona wrote the
 attached NEW School prayer.  I liked it....

 Now I sit me down in school
 Where praying is against the rule
 For this great nation under God
 Finds mention of Him very odd.

 If Scripture now the class recites,
 It violates the Bill of Rights.
 And anytime my head I bow
 Becomes a Federal matter now.

 Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
 That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
 The law is specific, the law is precise.
 Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 For praying in a public hall
 Might offend someone with no faith at all.
 In silence alone we must meditate,
 God's name is prohibited by the state.

 We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
 And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
 They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
 To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

 We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
 And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
 It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
 We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

 We can get our condoms and birth controls,
 Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
 But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
 No word of God must reach this crowd.

 It's scary here I must confess,
 When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
 So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
 Should I be shot; My soul please take!

 Amen

Top
Subj:     The Blueberry Story (S276b)
          By: Jamie Robert Vollmer
          From: tnkr on 5/12/2002

 I stood before an auditorium filled with outraged teachers
 who were becoming angrier by the minute.  My speech had
 entirely consumed their precious 90 minutes of in-service
 training. Their initial icy glares had turned to restless
 agitation.  You could cut the hostility with a knife. I
 represented a group of business people dedicated to
 improving public schools.  I was an executive at an ice
 cream company that became famous in the middle-1980s when
 People Magazine chose its blueberry flavor as the "Best
 Ice Cream in America."

 I was convinced of two things. First, public schools
 needed to change; they were archaic selecting and sorting
 mechanisms designed for the Industrial Age and out of
 step with the needs of our emerging "knowledge society."

 Second, educators were a major part of the problem: They
 resisted change, hunkered down in their feathered nests,
 pro! tected by tenure and shielded by a bureaucratic
 monopoly.  They needed to look to business.  We knew how
 to produce quality.  Zero defects! Total Quality Management!
 Continuous improvement!  In retrospect, the speech was
 perfectly balanced-equal parts ignorance and arrogance.

 As soon as I finished, a woman's hand shot up.  She appeared
 polite, pleasant.  She was, in fact, a razor-edged, veteran
 high school English teacher who had been waiting to unload.
 She began quietly, "We are told, sir, that you manage a
 company that makes good ice cream. "I smugly replied, "Best
 ice cream in America, ma'am." "How nice," she said. "Is it
 rich and smooth?" "Sixteen percent butterfat," I crowed.
 "Premium ingredients?" she inquired. "Super-premium!
 Nothing but triple-A."  I was on a roll.  I never saw the
 next line coming.  "Mr. Vollmer," she said, leaning
 forward with a wicked eyebrow raised to the sky, "when you
 are standing on your receiving dock and you see an inferior
 shipment of blueberries arrive, what do you do?"

 In the silence of that room, I could hear the trap snap.
 I was dead meat, but I wasn't going to lie. "I send them
 back." "That's right!" she barked, "and we can never send
 back our blueberries.  We take them big, small, rich, poor,
 gifted, exceptional, abused, frightened, confident,
 homeless, rude, and brilliant.  We take them with attention
 deficit hyperactivity disorder, junior rheumatoid arthritis,
 and English as their second language.  We take them all.
 Every one.  And that, Mr. Vollmer, is why it's not a business.
 It's school."

 In an explosion, all 290 teachers, principals, bus drivers,
 aides, custodians, and secretaries jumped to their feet and
 yelled, "Yeah! Blueberries! Blueberries!"

 And so began my long transformation.  Since then, I have
 visited hundreds of schools.  I have learned that a school
 is not! a business.  Schools are unable to control the
 quality of their raw material, they are dependent upon the
 vagaries of politics for a reliable revenue stream, and
 they are constantly mauled by a howling horde of disparate,
 competing customer groups that would send the best CEO
 screaming into the night.  None of this negates the need
 for change. We must change what, when, and how we teach
 to give all children maximum opportunity to thrive in a
 postindustrial society.  But educators cannot do this
 alone; these changes can occur only with the understanding,
 trust, permission, and active support of the surrounding
 community.  For the most important thing I have learned is
 that schools reflect the attitudes, beliefs, and health of
 the communities they serve, and therefore, to improve
 public education means more than changing our schools, it
 means changing America.

Top
Subj:     The Sister's 'List Of Names' Assignment (S92, S393b)
          From: LADY97BBW on 98-10-31
      and From: Imogenelumen on 8/11/2004

 Please Note: This is a warm story and not a joke.

 He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint
 Mary's School in Morris, Minn.  All 34 of my students were
 dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million.  Very
 neat in appearance, but had that happy-to-be-alive attitude
 that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful.
 Mark talked incessantly.  I had to remind him again and
 again that talking without permission was not acceptable.
 What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response
 every time I had to correct him for misbehaving - "Thank
 you for correcting me, Sister!"  I didn't know what to make
 of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to
 hearing it many times a day.

 One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked
 once too often, and then I made a novice-teacher's mistake.
 I looked at Mark and said, "If you say one more word, I am
 going to tape your mouth shut!"  It wasn't ten seconds
 later when Chuck blurted out, "Mark is talking again."  I
 hadn't asked any of the students to help me watch Mark,
 but since I had stated the punishment in front of the
 class, I had to act on it.

 I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning.
 I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened by drawer
 and took out a roll of masking tape.  Without saying a
 word, I proceeded to Mark's desk, tore off two pieces of
 tape and made a big X with them over his mouth.  I then
 returned to the front of the room.  As I glanced at Mark
 to see how he was doing, he winked at me.

 That did it!!  I started laughing.  The class cheered as
 I walked back to Mark's desk, removed the tape, and
 shrugged my shoulders.  His first words were, "Thank you
 for correcting me, Sister."

 At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high
 math.  The years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was
 in my classroom again.  He was more handsome than ever
 and just as polite.  Since he had to listen carefully to
 my instruction in the "new math," he did not talk as much
 in ninth grade as he had in third.  One Friday, things
 just didn't feel right.  We had worked hard on a new
 concept all week, and I sensed that the students were
 frowning, frustrated with themselves - and edgy with one
 another.

 I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of hand.
 So I asked them to list the names of the other students
 in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space
 between each name.  Then I told them to think of the
 nicest thing they could say about each of their class-
 mates and write it down.  It took the remainder of the
 class period to finish their assignment, and as the
 students left the room, each one handed me the papers.
 Charlie smiled.  Mark said, "Thank you for teaching me,
 Sister.  Have a good weekend."

 That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on
 a separate sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone
 else had said about that individual.  On Monday I gave
 each student his or her list.  Before long, the entire
 class was smiling.  "Really?"  I heard whispered.  "I
 never knew that meant anything to anyone!"  "I didn't
 know others liked me so much."  No one ever mentioned
 those papers in class again.  I never knew if they
 discussed them after class or with their parents, but
 it didn't matter.  The exercise had accomplished its
 purpose.  The students were happy with themselves and
 one another again.

 That group of students moved on.  Several years later,
 after I returned from vacation, my parents met me at
 the airport.  As we were driving home, Mother asked me
 the usual questions about the trip - the weather, my
 experiences in general.  There was a lull in the
 conversation.  Mother gave Dad a side-ways glance and
 simply says, "Dad?"  My father cleared his throat as he
 usually did before something important.

 "The Eklunds called last night," he began. "Really?"  I
 said.  "I haven't heard from them in years.  I wonder
 how Mark is." Dad responded quietly.  "Mark was killed
 in Vietnam," he said. "The funeral is tomorrow, and his
 parents would like it if you could attend."  To this
 day I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where
 Dad told me about Mark.  I had never seen a serviceman
 in a military coffin before.  Mark looked so handsome,
 so mature.

 All I could think at that moment was, Mark I would give
 all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk
 to me.  The church was packed with Mark's friends.  Chuck's
 sister sang "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."  Why did it
 have to rain on the day of the funeral?  It was difficult
 enough at the graveside.  The pastor said the usual
 prayers, and the bugler played taps.  One by one those who
 loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled
 it with holy water.  I was the last one to bless the
 coffin.  As I stood there, one of the soldiers who acted
 as pallbearer came up to me.  "Were you Mark's math
 teacher?" he asked.  I nodded as I continued to stare at
 the coffin. "Mark talked about you a lot," he said.  After
 the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed to
 Chuck's farmhouse for lunch.  Mark's mother and father
 were there, obviously waiting for me.  "We want to show
 you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of
 his pocket.  "They found this on Mark when he was killed.
 We thought you might recognize it."

 Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn
 pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped,
 folded and refolded many times.  I knew without looking
 that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all
 the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about
 him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother
 said.  "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

 Mark's classmates started to gather around us.  Charlie
 smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list.
 It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."  Chuck's wife
 said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."
 "I have mine too," Marilyn said.  "It's in my diary."
 Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook,
 took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list
 to the group.  "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki
 said without batting an eyelash.  "I think we all saved
 our lists." That's when I finally sat down and cried.
 I cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never
 see him again.

 THE END

 Written by:  Sister Helen P. Mrosla
 The purpose of this letter is to encourage everyone to
 compliment the people you love and care about.  We often
 tend to forget the importance of showing our affections
 and love.  Sometimes the smallest of things, could mean
 the most to another.  The density of  people in society
 is so thick that we forget that life will end one day.
 We don't know when that one day will be.  Please, I beg
 of you, to tell the people you love and care for, that
 they are special and important.  Tell them, before it is
 too late.


Subj:     Short School Jokes

Top
Subj:     Circumnavigating The Globe (S463b)
          From: igiggle on 12/4/2005
 The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can anyone
 tell me the genus and nationality of the first animal to
 circumnavigate the globe?"

 Andrew raised his hand.  "It was that duck from Paris, I believe."

 The teacher's eyebrows arched.  "What duck from Paris?"

 Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
 

Top
Subj:     Using 'I' IN A Sentence (S423b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/8/2005
 TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
 ELLEN: I is...
 TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
 ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
        alphabet."
 

Top
Subj:     Public Schools - Definition (S397b)
          From: igiggle on 8/29/2004
 A place of detention for children placed in the care of
 teachers who are afraid of the principal, principals who
 are afraid of the school board, school boards who are
 afraid of the parents, parents who are afraid of the
 children, and children who are afraid of nobody.
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher's Salaries (S394)
          From: igiggle on 8/16/2004
 It's Charlotte Bradford's notion that schoolteachers petition
 for higher salaries at the wrong time of year.  "If they'd
 wait till the beginning of August - just past halfway in the
 kids' summer vacations - to make their plea, parents would
 give them anything they asked on the first ballot!"
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher Questionaire (S391b)
          From: igiggleon 7/25/2004
 A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire
 for the state.  One question said, "Give two reasons for
 entering the teaching profession."

 The teacher wrote, "July and August."
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher-Pupil Joke (S351b)
        From: CHRISDADDYG
          on 10/13/2003
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students:
 "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
 when people are no longer interested?"

 Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.

 "Yes, Johnny," said the teacher

 "A teacher!"
 
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher-Pupil Joke2 (S383)
          From: igiggle on 5/30/2004
 Teacher: Which is farther away, England or the Moon?
 Andrew:  England.
 Teacher: England?  What makes you say that?
 Andrew:  Cause we can see the Moon and we can't see England.
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher-Pupil Joke3 (S390b)
          From: Anonymous Jr on 7/16/2004
          Source: Joke Genie
 There was a teacher who asked her class to use the words
 green, pink and yellow in a sentence. So a little Mexican
 boy raises his hand and says "The phone goes green green,
 I pink up the phone and say yellow".
 
 

Top
Subj:     Teacher-Pupil Joke4 (S390b)
          From: igiggle on 7/16/2004
 Teacher: Andrew, how do you define ignorance?
 Andrew:  It's when you don't know something and
          somebody finds it out.

Top
Subj:     Teacher-Pupil Joke5 (S475c)
          From: auntiegahon 2/20/2006
 A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

 A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
 "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like
 my Mom always says".

 The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
 would that be?"

 The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
 garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all
 of it."

 The teacher fainted.
 
 

Top
Subj:     School Board Cancels Advanced English (S334)
          From: jerry on 6/17/2003
 The Mt. Diablo, California, school board has cancelled
 advanced English courses for high school freshman.  They
 say, the advanced English courses are unfair to those
 having trouble learning.

 Contra Costa Times (California) 6-Jun-03
 

Top
Subj:     Letter To The First Grade Teacher (S300)
          From: gheckman on 11/5/2002
 On the first day of school, a first grader handed his
 teacher a note from his mother.  The note said, "The
 opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
 those of his parents."

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/26/2002 (S304b)
 Education is the ability to meet life's situations.
   -- Dr. John G. Hibben

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/9/2003 (S322b)
 An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.
   -- Benjamin Franklin

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 12/14/2005 (S465b)
 "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember.
  Involve me and I learn."  -- Benjamin Franklin

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/6/2003 (S332b)
 Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not
 enough, we must do.  -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/17/2003 (S335b)
 Knowledge is like money: To be of value it must circulate,
 and in circulating it can increase in quantity and,
 hopefully, in value.  -- Louis L'Amour

From: RFSlick on 12/7/2003 (S358b - in BumperSticker)
 "If you can read this - THANK A TEACHER,
  If you're reading it in English - THANK A VETERAN!"

From: igiggle on 5/30/2004 (S383b)
 A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.

From: igiggle on 8/14/2004 (S394)
 Sign on a high school bulletin board in Dallas:

 Free every Monday through Friday - knowledge.
 Bring your own containers.

From: igiggle on 1/13/2005 (S416b - slogans)
 By learning you will teach; by teaching you will learn.
   -- Latin Proverb

From: igiggle on 1/15/2005 (S416b - slogans)
 One mother teaches more than a hundred teachers.
   -- Jewish Proverb

From: igiggle on 1/23/2005 (S417b)
 Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing;
 education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
   -- Will Durant

From: igiggle on 11/28/2005 (S462b)
 A teacher was asked to fill out a special quiestionnaire
 for the state.  One question said, "Give two reasons for
 entering the teaching profession."  The teacher wrote,
 "July and August."  -- Milton Berle

From: igiggle on 1/9/2006 (S468b)
 You know there is a problem with the education system when you
 realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/29/2006 (S480b - quotes-comed)
 "I can't understand why I flunked American history.
 When I was a kid there was so little of it."
   -- George Burns

From: LABLaughsClean on 1/10/2007 (S521b)
 "There are obviously two educations.  One should teach
  us how to make a living and the other how to live."
    -- James Truslow Adams

From: darrell94590 on 1/18/2007 (S522b)
 Aspire to inspire before you expire.

From the book "Teacher Laughs" by Allen Klein (S582b)
               Gramercy Books, New York
 Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't
 believe the kids should be given homework.  -- Bill Cosby

From: LABLaughsClean on 4/28/2009 (S589b)
 "The family fireside is the best of schools."
    -- Arnold Glasgow
 

From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383)
 Q: What happens to a teacher who retires?
 A: The teacher loses all his principals.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
..........................From Smiley_Central
.
.
.