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Subj:     School1 Jokes
                 (Includes 27 jokes and articles, 18 1027n,7,cf,wYT2b,3)

          Click "Here" for School-Supp3
 


School Bell
from
AGAG Animation Gallery

Includes the following:..Pickles Comic Strip (S765 in Supp3)
.........................Substitute Teacher w/Key And Peele - Comedy Sketch(S893-Sup3)
.........................The Phenom Harriett Ball - Video (S944 in Supp3)
.........................Thank A Teacher - Video (S876 in Supp3)
.........................How To Escape Education's Death Valley - Video (S857 - Supp3)
.........................Rita Pierson: Every Kid Needs A Champion - Video (S852-Supp3)
.........................Wright's Law: A Unique Teacher - Video (S842 in Supp3)
.........................Norman Rockwell's "Teacher's Birthday" (S837 in Supp3)
.........................Kindergartner Suspended From School (S840 in Supp3)
.........................Passing A Note In Class - Movie (S741 in Supp3)
.........................Teacher Asks "What Do You Want To Be?" (S822 in Supp3)
.........................Salman Khan: Let's Use Video To Reinvent Education (S739-Sp3)
.........................Selling Toothbrushs (S726 in Supp3)
.........................Diana Laufenberg: How To Learn? From Mistakes - Vid(S739-Sp3)
.........................Year 2060: Education Predictions - Video (S871 in Supp3)
.........................High-Stakes Testing (S273b, DU in Supp3)
.........................
.........................Tonight Show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" (S957)
.........................Lipstick On The Mirror (S23, S689)
.........................Students Go To The Race Track (S72, S593)
.........................Marshall Ramsey Political Cartoon (S889)
.........................The Urinate Joke (S186)
.........................The Urinate Joke Vers.2 (S386, S636)
.........................Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion (S15, S604)
.........................An 8th Grade Education - Photo/Web Page (S240, S479)
.........................Teacher Motivates Class (S71, S675)
.........................Guessing What's Behind The Teacher's Back (S183, DU)
.........................Not Wanting To Go To School (S184, S617)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm - Cartoon (S590c)
.........................Little Johnny Learns Multi-Syllable Words (S228)
.........................Johnny's Oral Final Exam (S54)
.........................Third Grade Gambler (S53)
.........................Little Girl Named 'Happy Butt' (S185)
.........................Science Teachers Should Not Be In Charge Of Recess (S837)
.........................First Graders Learn Grown-Up Words (S31, S883)
.........................Tasting Lifesavers (S187, S515c)
.........................JC Biology Class (S16)
.........................Old-Fashioned Catholic Discipline (S38, S748)
.........................History Lesson - 8 Drwaings/Web Page (S503c)
.........................Presents For The Teacher (S27, S781)
.........................Unruly Class (S188)
.........................First Grade Learns Animal Names (DU)
.........................Pepito Learns To Add (S191, S440b)
.........................Hall Pass - Cartoon (S399)
.........................Short School Jokes
..............................First Day Of School Cartoon (S867 in Supp3)
..............................Mallard Comic Strip (S682 in Supp3)
..............................Student Texting Sign (S859 in Supp3)
..............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S799 in Supp3)
..............................The Modern Schoolteacher By Plante (S782 in Supp3)
..............................Bart Simpson At The Chalkboard (S775 in Supp3)
..............................Herman Cartoon (S744 in Supp3)
..............................School Bus Hits A Bump - Video (S731 in Supp3)\
..............................Jeff Parker Cartoons (S761 in Supp3)

Also see ARAB file    - '15 Schoolgirls Die In Blaze'
         BASKETBALL   - 'Teacher Is A Big Laker Fan'
         BIOLOGY file - 'Worms And Alcohol'
         BIRDS file   - 'Watching Students Like A Hawk'
         BLACKS1 file - 'Black Kid Is Better'
         BREAST file  - 'Four Advantages Of Breast Milk'
         BRAINTSRS-SUP- 'What Number Is Under The Parked Car?' - Picture
         BUGS_ETC file- 'Teaching About Worker Ants'
         CARS3 file   - 'Nursery School License Plate'
         CARS-SUPP2   - 'TRANSLOGIC 78: Minddrive' - Video
         CHRISTMAS4   - 'Teacher Asks About Christmas'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Where Is Jesus Today? (Little Johnny)
         CLINTON      - 'Clinton Asks For Example Of 'Tragedy''
         COLLEGE1 file- 'High School Vs College'
         COLLEGE2 file- 'College Biology Class'
.........COMPUTER-SUP3- 'Whale Hologram In Gym' - Video
.........COWS-SHEEP   - 'Primary School Visits Farm'
         DENTIST file - 'No Dentist Left Behind'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Old Man Bribes Junior High Kids'
......................- 'Elderly Lady Receives Radio'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Better Education Would Outlaw Stupid Crooks'
......................- 'Low Student Scores In New York'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Telling Fairy Tales To Your Kids'
         FIREMAN file - 'The Pregnant Fireman'
         FOOTBALL file- 'A 49er Fan'
         GAMES2 file  - 'Hangnun'
         GAYS file    - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven'
         HOOKER file  - 'Man Picks Ex-Teacher At Brothel'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Toughest Time Of My Life'
         HOWTO-SUPP   - 'TED - Massimo Banzi Explains Arduin
         INDIAN file  - 'The Dead Horse Theory' - Drawing
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish Boy In Public School'
         JOBS3 file   - 'The Aim Of Every Employee'
......................- 'Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed'
         JUDGE file   - 'Judge Sentences School Teacher'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Buckwheat and Darla'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Boy And Girl Eat Lunch Together'
......................- 'A Third Grade Drawing'
......................- 'Class Draws On Chalkboardn (Little Johnny)'
         KIDS3 file   - 'What Is Happening With Our Kids'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Grandparents Raising Kids'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Potential Vs Reality'
         LATIN file   - 'When Was Rome Built?'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyers As Test Rats'
         LIBRARY file - 'B.O.O.K'
.........LISTS file   - 'Lessons About Life'
.........LOVE-SUPP    - 'The Crush (2010) Oscar Winning Short Film'
.........MARRIAGE6    - 'High School Reunion'
......................- 'Matt Gets Part In School Play'
         MATH1 file   - 'Seconds In A Year'
......................- 'Little Johnny Knows His Numbers'
......................- 'Little Johnny Doesn't Pay Attention In Class'
......................- 'Little Johnny Gets An F In Math'
......................- 'Teaching Math Concept Of A 100'
......................- 'Math Problem About Birds And Ice Cream'
.........MATH4 file   - 'MATH PROB. - Sarah's Age'
         MATH6 file   - 'Oakland Teacher Arrested'
         MEN4 file    - 'New Evening Class For Men'
         MIDDLE-EAST  - 'Human Bomb Training School'
         MUSIC-SUPP   - 'The Music Teacher'
         NATIONAL file- 'What Flag Is This?'
         NAT_STATS-SUP- '50 State Capitals'
         NEW YORK file- 'New York Tragedy And Education'
         PENIS1 file  - 'The Teacher And The Penis'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Circumcision'
.........PILOT file   - 'Pilot School On Sublimation'
         POLICE1 file - 'Demonstration Of Police Dog Work'
         POLICE2 file - 'Math Teacher Stopped By Highway Patrol'
         PREACHER     - 'Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car'
         PREGNANT file- 'The Midwife Show-And-Tell'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Priest And Young Boy Talk About His Collar'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Quotes About Teaching'
         RATS-MICE    - 'Family of Mice Caught By Cat'
         RELIGION2    - 'Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip'
......................- 'Discussing Jonah And The Whale'
.........RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'A What Am I Riddle #41'
......................- 'A What Am I Riddle #32'
         SEX1 file    - 'Fourteen Year Old Has First Sex'
......................- 'You Have Flunked Sex Education If You Said...'
         SEX2 file    - 'Having Sex With Your English Teacher'
.........SHIT file    - 'Little Johnny Uses The Word Definitely'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Veteran's Day School Note'
         STATISTICS   - 'Teaching Statistic'
         STORIES-SUPP - 'The Boy Who Wouldn't Die'
         SUPERHEROES  - 'Boy Becomes Superman'
         TEAR-JERJER1 - 'One Prom, One Boy, Seven Dates'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Daddy's Pink Rose'
......................- 'Meeting Kyle In High School'
         TEST2 file   - 'SAT Test Answers'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'The Failure List'
         THOUGHTS-LRN2- 'Deep Thoughts'
......................- 'Things We Hope Our Grandkids Will Learn'
......................- 'A Columbine Student Essay'
         THO-LRN-SUPP - 'Andy Capp Comic Strip'
.........THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Frazz Comic Strip'
         THOUGHTS-QTS - 'Charles Schultz's Philosophy'
......................- 'Why Are Things The Way They Are?'
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'The Secret Powers Of Time'
         THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Seven Wonders Of The World'
......................- 'Who You Are Makes A Difference'
         THO-WARM-SUPP- 'Seven Wonders Of The World II'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'School Bus Brain Teaser'
         VASELINE file- 'Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon (Little Johnny)'

SCHOOL1 and 2 contains jokes
SCHOOL3 contains jokes and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Tonight Show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" (S957d)
          Made by The Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/YKUhS81fBtI
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.....

.....Click 'HERE' to see Jeff Foxworthy hosts a special
.....Tonight Show edition of "Are You Smarter Than A 5th
.....Grader?" with Pitbull and Jimmy Fallon.
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Top
Subj:     Lipstick On The Mirror (S23, S689)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/13/2006
      and From: Anonymous Jr. on 4/2/2010

 A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a
 few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.  When
 applying it in the bathroom they would then press their
 lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

 Before it got out of hand the principal thought of a way
 to stop it.  She gathered all the girls together that wore
 lipstick and told them she wanted to meet with them in the
 ladies room at 2 PM.  They gathered at proper time and
 found the principal and the school custodian waiting for
 them.

 "Thank you for coming," said the Principal, "You will see
 there are several lipstick prints on the mirrors in this
 washroom.  You may not understand that modern lipstick is
 cleverly designed to stay on the lips.  So these lipstick
 marks are not easy to clean from the mirrors.  We have
 therefore developed a special cleaning regimen.  My hope
 is that when you see the effort involved, you will help
 spread the word that we'd all be better off if those
 responsible for the kisses use tissue paper instead of
 the mirrors in the future."

 Some of the girls grinned at each other.  Others rolled
 their eyes, stared at the ceiling and did their best to
 look bored.

 The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on
 a handle out of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the
 nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to
 remove the lipstick marks.

 That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the
 mirror.

 Beaverton School District
 Beaverton, Oregon

Top
Subj:     Students Go To The Race Track (S72, S593)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-15
      and From: hellgunner50 on 6/2/2008

 A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
 two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track
 to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

 During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
 so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
 the boys would go with the other.

 As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
 toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
 the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting
 the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

 As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
 unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
 "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

 "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
 Thanks for the lift anyhow."

Top
Subj:     Marshall Ramsey Political Cartoon (S889d)
          Drawn by Marshall Ramsey published on 1/21/2014
 Source: OakRidgeNow.com
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Top
Subj:     The Urinate Joke (S186)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/12/2004
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Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 A teacher is instructing all her second grade pupils on three
 syllable words.  She asks for volunteers to give a three
 syllable word and use it in a sentence.  The teacher calls on
 Susy. "BEAUTIFUL. My teacher is beautiful," Susy says.
 "Very good!" says the teacher. She then calls on Melissa.
 "WONDERFUL. My teacher is wonderful," she says.
 "Excellent!" says the teacher.  She sees that Little Dirty
 Johnny has had his hand up for some time, so with no little
 amount of trepidation, she calls on him.
 "URINATE!" Johnny says.
 "JOHHNY!!!" says the teacher, shocked.
 "Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten!"

Second version (S386, S636)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-06-28
      and From: DoctorDebt on 6/12/2004

 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden,
 he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones,
 I need to take a piss!!"  The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny,
 that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The
 correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

 Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight,
 but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Top
Subj:     Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion (S15, S640)
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-06
      and From: rfslick on 7/31/2008

 A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
 final exam.  She tells the class there would be no excuse for
 not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death
 in the student's immediate family.

 A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about
 extreme sexual exhaustion?"

 The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
 snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
 sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly
 says, "Not an excuse.  You can use your other hand to write
 with."
 

Top
Subj:     An 8th Grade Education (S240, S479b)
          From: mbucher on 9/6/2001
      and From: DoctorDebt on 3/24/2006

 To view this old 8th Grade Final Exam click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Teacher Motivates Class (S71, S675)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #142 on 98-06-08
      and From: allenbergman on 12/17/2009
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

 One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to
 motivate her class.  She told them that she would read a
 quote and the first student to correctly identify who said
 it would receive the rest of the day off.  Little Johnny
 says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here.  I'm
 smart and will answer the question".

 The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years
 Ago?"  Before  Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said,
 "Abraham Lincoln".  The teacher said, "That's right Susie.
 You can go". Johnny was MAD, Susie had answered first!

 The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"  Before
 Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
 King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary.  You can go".
 Johnny was even MADDER than before.  Mary had answered first!

 The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can
 do for you'?"  Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy
 said, "John Kennedy".  The teacher said, "That's right Nancy.
 You can go".  Johnny was BOILING MAD.  Nancy answered first!

 Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish
 these bitches  would keep their mouths shut".  The teacher
 heard this comment and furiously  asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

 Johnny replied frustratedly, "Tiger Woods, can I go now?"

Top
Subj:     Guessing What's Behind The Teacher's Back
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S183, DU)
.
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 One day the teacher told her 3rd grade class. Ok class.  I
 want to test you and see how well you use your imagination.
 I going to hold something behind my back and as soon as you
 think that you know what it is, raise your hand and say what
 you think it is! Now little Johnny, who was a terrible cut-up,
 knew that he could have a lot of fun with this.  The Teacher
 said ok, I have something that is small and round "I know I
 know" Said Mary- "It's a raisin!!! "No" said the teacher-"but
 it just shows that you are thinking!"

 "OK. now I have something in my hand that fills my hand-it is
 round.." said the teacher. "I know I know" says Jimmy it's a
 grapefruit!!" "No Jimmy-But it shows that you are thinking!"

 Well this went on several more times.  Meanwhile Little Johnny
 was almost always the first to raise his hand!  The teacher
 doesn't like to call on Johnny because he is a little TOO
 street smart.  So finally, three minutes before the end of
 class, Little Johnny jumps up and says "Teacher I have one
 for you".  The Teacher thinks to herself "Oh no-now what"
 "Ok Johnny, say what you have to say" she said (dredding what
 was he going to say THIS time).

 Little Johnny reached into his pocket and moved his hand
 around and said, "Teacher what I've got in my pocket is
 round ...and long...it's pointed at the end and it's HARD!!!"

 "JOHNNY!" yelled the Teacher.  Johnny smiles devilishly and
 says "No teacher it's just a banana but it shows that you
 were thinking !!

Top
Subj:     Not Wanting To Go To School (S184, S617)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #33 on 98-02-03

 Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

 "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

 "But why, Mom?  I don't want to go."

 "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

 "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate
 me, too!"

 "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.  Come on now
 and get ready."

 "Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

 "Well, for one, you're 52 years old.  For another,
 you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Top
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm (S590c)
          By Mike Peters on May 5,2008
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
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Top
Subj:     Little Johnny Learns Multi-Syllable Words (S228)
         From: h2oman19 on 6/7/2001
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Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-
 syllable words.  She thought it would be a good idea to ask
 a few of the children examples of words with more than one
 syllable. "Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"
 After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."
 "Great Jane.  That has two syllables, Mon......day.  Does
 anyone know another word."

 "I do! I do!" replied Johnny.  Knowing Johnny's more mature
 sense of humor she picks Mike instead.  "OK Mike, what is
 your word."  "Saturday." says Mike.  "Great, that has three
 syllables." she says.

 Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four
 syllable word.  Pick me! Pick me!"

 Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the
 teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
 syllable word?"  Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

 Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
 "Wow, Johnny.  Four syllables!  That's certainly is a
 mouthful."  "No Ma'am. Your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's
 only two syllables."

Top
Subj:     Johnny's Oral final Exam (S54)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #228 on 98-02-03
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Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done
 so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the
 principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for
 the test he'd missed.

 The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office,
 explained, then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow
 have four of, that I only have two of?"

 Johnny replied, "Legs."

 The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants
 that I don't have in my pants?"

 Johnny replied, "Pockets."

 The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

 Johnny replied. "Rome."

 The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we
 pass him?"

 The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first
 two wrong!"

 Footnote:
 I saw the first two questions in the fifties as part of the
 'Turtle Club' membership card.  Other questions on the card
 were the following:

 What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
 and a dog does on three legs?  Answer backwards: Sdnah ekahs

 What word starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck'?  Answer
 backwards: Kcurterif

 What is round, firm, hairy, secrets liquid, and sticks out
 of a man's pajamas far enough to hang your hat on?  Answer
 backwards: Daeh ruoy

 If someone asked you 'Are you a member of the turtle club?',
 members had to answer 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'  We
 were young and loved it.

Top
Subj:     Third Grade Gambler (S53)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 Miss Jones, an unusually attractive and voluptuous third
 grade teacher, was at her wits end.  She had a seemingly
 insoluble problem. Her student, Tommy Smith, was perpetually
 making bets and winning all the other kids lunch money and
 allowances.  She had tried everything to get him to stop
 betting.  Nothing worked.  Parents were complaining.  Her
 principal demanded results or else.  Tommy just kept making
 bets and winning. She was desperate.

 Finally, one day after she had tried yet another unsuccessful
 tactic, Tommy commented, "Tell you what Teach, if I ever lose
 a bet I'll stop for good."  Miss Jones thought about this and,
 very much not wanting to be defeated by this ten year old,
 saw a chance accomplish the needed behavior modification.

 "OK Tommy," Miss Jones said, "Its a deal.  What do you want to
 bet on?"  Tommy then offered to bet her ten dollars that the
 color of the hair on her head was a different color than the
 hair on her pussy.  Miss Jones spluttered and blushed, but
 knowing she had him beaten because she was a natural redhead
 everywhere, agreed to this unusual wager.

 Tommy refused to take her word that he had lost.  Miss Jones,
 being willing to do almost anything to get him to stop betting,
 took him into to coatroom for verification.  The young lecher
 got an eyefull.  "Now Tommy," Miss Jones said, "a deal is a
 deal and you lost. Are you going to keep your word and stop
 betting forever?"

 Tommy grinned at his teacher and replied, "Naw, I don't think
 so.  You see my daddy bet me $500.00 I'd never get to see
 your pussy."

Top
Subj:     Little Girl Named 'Happy Butt' (S185)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 15 Jan 98

 This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time.
 A friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?"
 "Happy Butt" she says.  "Don't lie to me, that isn't your name!
 What is your name?" "Happy Butt" she says again. "I'm going to
 tell the teacher on you for lying!" he shouts.  He gets the
 teacher and says she is lying to him about her name.

 "What is your name?" asks the teacher. "Happy Butt" says the
 little girl.  "No, no," says the teacher.  "What is your real
 name?" "Happy Butt" replies the little girl.  "Shame on you for
 lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's
 office right this minute!"

 "Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl.
 "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt."
 said the little girl.  "Your name can't be Happy Butt" says
 the principal. "I'm going to call your mother right this minute
 and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about your name."

 The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little
 girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"
 "Oh, that must be Gladys," says the mother.

 "Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says
 the principal.  The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad ass,
 what's the difference?"

Top
Subj:     Why Science Teachers Should Not Be In Charge Of Recess (S837)
          From: RDobry on 1/26/2013
 Source: http://rongray.net/why-science-teachers-
.........should-not-be-in-charge-of-recess/
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Top
Subj:     First Graders Learn Grown-Up Words
         From: humorlist-digest V1 #183 on 97-08-26
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/8/2005 (S31, S883)
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Source: http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?
.........jokes=496?cn=NEW?posi=5?rategrade=9

 The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
 wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in
 kindergarten.  She told them to use grown-up words instead of
 baby words.  She then asked them to tell her what they did
 during the summer. The first little one said he went to see
 his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your
 grandmother. Use the grown-up word."

 The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
 The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train.
 That's the grown-up word."

 The teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he did
 during the summer.  He proudly stated that he read a book. The
 teacher asked what book he had read.  Johnny puffed out his
 chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

Top
Subj:     Tasting Lifesavers (S187, S515c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/16/2003
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/30/2006

 A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
 broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.  With
 their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones
 to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
 Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of
 lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

 "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
 announced the teacher.  Without difficulty, they managed to
 identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the
 teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their
 mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

 "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something
 your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

 Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
 mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Top
Subj:     JC Biology Class (S16)
          From: Internet Joke Archive

 (Also see 'College Biology Class' in COLLEGE2)

 Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
 junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you
 please name the organ of the human body , which under the
 appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
 and define the conditions."

 Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I
 don't think that is a proper question to ask me.  I assure
 you my parents will hear of this."  With that she sat down
 red-faced.  Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson
 and asked the same question.

 Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye,
 in dim light."

 "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have
 three things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your
 lesson.  Two, you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will
 some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Top
Subj:     Old-Fashioned Catholic Discipline (S38, S748)
          From: Don_Hatch on 97-05-14
      and From: rfslick on 11/17/2007

 A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math
 to be the challenge of his life.  Science?  A piece of cake.
 Geography?  No big deal.  Spelling?   Ha!  Give me a break...
 but MATH?  It was devastating!  To not only him, but his mom
 and dad, too!  And not that they weren't doing everything and
 anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance,
 CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS!  Nothing worked.  Finally,
 at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll
 their son in a private school.  Not just ANY private school,
 but a Catholic school.  Nuns.  Weekly mass.. The whole
 shootin' match.

 Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in
 his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue
 cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great
 unknown.  His mother and father were convinced they were
 doing the right thing.  They were both there waiting for
 their son when he returned home.  And when he walked in with
 a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face,
 they hoped they had made the right choice.  He walked right
 past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed
 the door.  For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -
 with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding
 floor.  He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly
 cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed
 the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
 This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the
 first quarter report card.

 After school, the boy walked into the home with his report
 card - unopened - in his hand.  Without a word, he dropped
 the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to
 his room.  His parents were petrified.  What lay inside the
 envelope?  Success?  Failure?  DOOM?!?  Patiently, cautiously
 the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw
 a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH.

 Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room,
 thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!  "Was
 it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.  The boy only
 shook his head and said, "No."

 "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked
 the mother.  Again, the boy shrugged, "No."

 "The textbooks?  The teacher?  The curriculum?", asked the
 father.

 "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the
 very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school
 meant business!"

 "How so?", asked his mom.

 "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd
 nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious!"

Top
Subj:     History Lesson (S503c)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/7/2006
 You can view this cute, dirty, series of cartoons
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Presents For The Teacher (S27, S781)
          darrell94590 on 3/19/2007
      and From: virv on 12/31/2011

 It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
 teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

 The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it, held
 it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.  Some
 flowers."

 "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

 "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

 The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.  The
 teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I
 bet I can guess what it is.  A box of sweets."

 "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

 "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

 The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
 The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
 She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and
 touched it to her tongue.  "Is it wine?" she asked.

 "No" the boy replied.  The teacher repeated the process,
 taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

 "Is it champagne?" she asked.

 "No" the boy replied.

 The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give
 up, what is it?"

 The boy replied, "A puppy!"

               ^\
     /        / /o__o
    /\       /   ___/
    \ \______\  /
     \         /
      \ \---\ \
       \_ \_  \_\_

Top
Subj:     Unruly Class (S188)

 While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board
 Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students
 were making in the next room.  Angrily, he opened the door
 and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing
 most of the talking.  He dragged the boy to the next room and
 stood him in the corner.

 A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room
 and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"

Top
Subj:     First Grade Learns Animal Names (DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-26
.
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.  She
 holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows
 what it is. No one raises his/her hand.

 The teacher says, "See it's long neck?  What animal has
 a long neck?"

 Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

 "Very good, Sally," the teacher replies.  Next she holds
 up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
 his/her hand.

 "See the stripes on this animal?  What animal has stripes?"

 Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

 "Very good, Billy," the teacher replies.  Next she holds
 up a picture of a deer.  None of the students holds up
 his/her hand.

 "See the big antlers on this animal.  What animal has horns
 like this?"

 Still no one guesses.  "Let me give you another hint: it's
 something your mother calls your father."

 Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is! It's a horny bastard."

Top
Subj:     Pepito Learns To Add (S191, S440b)
          From: Internet Joke Archive
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005

 (See 'Primary School Visits Farm' in COWS_SHEEP)

 Pepito is at home doing his Math homework.

 Pepito:  "Two plus five the son of a bitch is seven.
           Three plus six the son of a bitch is nine".

 In that moment, his mother comes in his room.

 Mother:  "But Pepito, what are you doing?!  Why are you
           saying that?!"
 Pepito:  "I'm doing my Math homework, mom".
 Mother:  "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
 Pepito:  "Yeees"

 Next day, the mother, worried about the education his son
 is receiving, goes to Pepito's school to talk to the teacher.

 Mother:  "I would like to know what you are teaching
           my son in Math?
 Teacher: "Oh, sure. We are learning addition problems."
 Mother:  "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two
           the son of a bitch is four?"
 After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
 Teacher: "No way! What I taught them was two plus two
           THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
 

Top
Subj:     Hall Pass (S399)
          From: DafterLafter on September 9,2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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............................From Smiley_Central.
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