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Subj:     School2 Jokes
                 (Includes 23 jokes and articles, 27 1023n,5,cf,vYT4a,0)

          Click "Here" for School-Supp2


Pullcart from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Frank And Ernest - Cartoon (S550c in Supp2)
.........................RSA: Changing Education Paradigms - Video (S718 in Supp2)
.........................TED - Do Schools Kill Creativity? - Video (S713 in Supp2)
.........................Daddy Sleeps Naked (S621 in Supp)
.........................TED: Sugata Mitra's Self-Teaching - Video (S713b in Supp2)
.........................Little Johnny Scares Little Mary (S583c in Supp2)
.........................Did You Know II - Video (S669 in Supp2)
.........................What The Teacher Said (S628c in Supp2)
.........................Don Blue's Radio Show - Benicia Schools (S615 in Supp2)
.........................No Child Left Behind - Football Version (S607b in Supp2)
.........................Why I Was Never Late For School - Video (S571b in Supp2)
.........................Schools 1967 vs. 2007 (S581b)
.........................Geography Quiz (S625c in Supp2)
.........................The Teacher Questions Students (S564 in Supp2)
.........................Origami Hang Gliders - Video (S700b in Supp2)
.........................Wet Pants In Third Grade (S527b in Supp2)
.........................Children's Science Exam Answers: (S704b in Supp2)
.........................The Polite Way To Pee (S526 in Supp2)
.........................2 Pickles Comic Strips (S686 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................School Accident - Picture (S508b)
.........................What Teachers Make (S465)
.........................The New Principal (S269)
.........................The Next Survivor Show (S260c)
.........................Kindergartener's Boots (S215, S740)
.........................God Visits Earth (S205)
.........................Cute Bake Sale Sign (S451)
.........................Dumbing Down Our Kids (S126)
.........................A Good Friend (S128)
.........................Little Teddy's Teacher (S85)
.........................Day On The Sesame Street Bus (S206)
.........................Little Johnny's Summer Vacation (DU)
.........................Johnny Carson Reads Letters From 3rd Graders - Video (S842)
.........................Well Known Proverbs By First Graders (S120, S807)
.........................Famous Quotations By Fourth Graders (S51)
.........................1923 Elementary School Teacher Requirements (S159)
.........................Real Teachers (S405b)
.........................Are You An Elementary School Teacher (S154)
.........................You Might Be In Education IF.....,part 1
.........................You Might Be In Education IF....., part 2
.........................12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School (S513)
.........................Excuses To Stay Home (S237, S452b)
.........................Jesus Taught The Disciples (S348)
.........................Seatbelt Sign (S510b)
.........................Short School Jokes
..............................International School Buses (S684b in Supp2)
..............................Lesson That Should Be Taught In All Schools (S680b-Sup2)
..............................Cafeteria Food (S714a in Supp2)
..............................Peanuts Comic Strips II (DU in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip V (S641b in Supp2)
..............................Little Johnny Gets Bad Grades (S641b in Supp2)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip II (S638b in Supp2)
..............................One Big Happy Comic Strip (S636 in Supp2)
..............................Little Johnny's Class Picture (S636c in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip IV (S632c in Supp2)
..............................Herman Comic Strip (S618c in Supp2)
..............................Peanuts Comic Strip (S619b in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip III (S620c in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip II (S615c in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip (S614c in Supp2)
..............................Mallard Comic Strip II (S608b in Supp2)
..............................The Old Three "R"s (S528b in Supp2)
..............................Mallard Comic Strip (S608 in Supp2)
..............................A Student Who Hated Graphing (S527 in Supp2)
..............................Opus Comic Strip (S602b in Supp2)
..............................Why Our Schools Are Failing (S604 in Supp2)
..............................Going To School In The Jungle - Video (S573c in Supp2)
..............................Zits Comics On AP Classes (S561c in Supp2)
..............................Maxine On Testing (S556 in Supp2)
..............................Non Sequitor On Math Tests (S556 in Supp2)

SCHOOL1 and 2 contains jokes
SCHOOL3 contains jokes and short jokes
=============================================================Top
Subj:     School Accident (S508b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/16/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     What Teachers Make (S465)
          From: Gmahered on 12/14/2005

 The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing
 life.  One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with
 education.

 The CEO argued, ""What's a kid going to learn from someone
 who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?""
 He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about
 teachers: ""Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.""
 To stress his point he said to another guest; ""You're a
 teacher. Be honest. What do you make?""

 Having a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, ""You
 want to know what I make?

 ""I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
 I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal
 of Honor.  I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
 in absolute silence."

 "You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder. I make
 them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize
 and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read.
 I make them show all their work in math and perfect their
 final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you
 have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever
 tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention
 because they just didn't learn.""

 I paused and continued. ""You want to know what I make?
 'I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.' What do you make?""

 THIS IS WORTH SENDING TO EVERY TEACHER YOU KNOW.
 (And everyone on your mailing list, for that matter).
 THERE IS MUCH TRUTH IN THAT STATEMENT.
 ""Teachers make every other profession possible!""

Top
Subj:     The New Principal (S269)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/25/2002

 As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over
 his school on the first day.  Passing the stockroom, he was
 startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in
 and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for
 the arrival of students the next day.

 The school where he had been a Principal the previous year
 had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate
 than that at Fort Knox.  Cautiously, he asked the school's
 long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the
 stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things
 without requisitions?"

 The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with
 the children, don't we?"

Top
Subj:     The Next Survivor Show (S260c)
          From: buddy94510 on 1/23/2002

 Have you heard about the next planned Survivor show?

 Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped
 in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks.  Each
 business person will be provided with a copy of their
 school district's curriculum, and a class  of 28 students.
 Each class will have five learning-disabled children,
 three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak
 limited English.  Three will be labeled as severe
 behavior problems.

 Each business person must complete lesson plans at least
 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum
 objectives and modify, organize, or create materials
 accordingly.

 They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct,
 implement technology, document attendance, write referrals,
 correct  homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades,
 complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate
 with parents, and arrange parent conferences.

 They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways.
 In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes,
 or shooting attacks.

 They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings,
 union meetings, and curriculum development meetings.  They
 must also tutor those students who are behind, and strive
 to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient
 enough to take the Terra Nova and EPA tests.

 If they are sick, or having a bad day, they must not let
 it show.  Each day, they must incorporate reading, writing,
 math, science, and social studies into the program.

 They must maintain discipline, and provide an educationally
 stimulating environment at all times.

 The business people will only have access to the golf
 course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will
 not be able to afford it anyway.

 There will be no access to vendors who want to take them
 out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes.

 On days when they do not have recess duty, the business
 people will be permitted to use the staff restroom, as
 long as another survival candidate is supervising their
 class.  They will be provided with two 30-minute planning
 periods per week while their students are at specials.

 If the copier is operable, they may  make copies of
 necessary materials at this time.

 The business people must continually advance their
 education on their own time, and pay for this advanced
 training themselves. This can be accomplished by moon-
 lighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

 The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.

 Pass this on to your friends who think teaching is easy
 and to the ones that think it is hard.  They will both
 benefit.

Top
Subj:     Kindergartener's Boots (S215, S740)
          From: scott_pryor on 3/10/2001

 Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
 kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help
 and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the
 boots still didn't want to go on.

 When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
 almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're
 on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were.

 It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
 putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together
 they worked to get the boots back on... this time on the
 right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She
 bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
 "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

 Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
 boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom
 made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or
 cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his
 feet again.

 She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed
 them in the toes of my boots..."

Top
Subj:     God Visits Earth (S205)
          From: gheckman on 1/2/2001

 One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the Earth
 and take a stroll.  Walking down the road, He encountered a
 man who was crying.
 The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
 The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.
 The Lord touched the man, who could then see and was happy.

 As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and
 asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
 The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.
 The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.

 Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was
 crying and asked,
 "Why are you crying, my son?"
 The man said, "Lord, I work for the school system."
 ......and the Lord sat down and cried with him.

Top
Subj:     Cute Bake Sale Sign (S451)
          From: Anon Jr. on 9/10/2005
 Source: http://www.northernsun.com/images/thumb/5729Bakesale.jpg
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Top
Subj:     Dumbing Down Our Kids (S126)
          From: Anaise on 7/2/99

    Charles Sykes is the author of Dumbing Down Our Kids. He
 volunteered the following advice to high school and college
 graduates. It is a list of eleven things kids do not learn in
 school. In his book, he talks about how the feel good
 politically correct teachings created a generation of kids
 with no concept of reality, and set them up for failure in
 the real world. It seems to me these rules have also been
 forgotten (or never learned) by many adults.

 Rule 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
 Rule 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The
          world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
          you feel good about yourself.
 Rule 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right
          out of high school.  You won't be a vice president
          with a car phone until you earn both.
 Rule 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you
          get a boss.  He doesn't have tenure.
 Rule 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
          grandparents had a different word for burger
          flipping; they called it opportunity.
 Rule 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so
          don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
 Rule 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
          as they are now. They got that way from paying your
          bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you
          talk about how cool you are. So before you save the
          rain forest from the parasites of your parents'
          generation, try delousing the closet in your own
          room.
 Rule 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and
          losers, but life has not.  In some schools they have
          abolished failing grade; they'll give you as many
          times as you want to get the right answer. This, of
          course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to
          ANYTHING in real life.
 Rule 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
          summers off, and very few employers are interested
          in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own
          time.
 Rule 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people
          actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to
          jobs.
 Rule 11 - Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up
          working for one.

Top
Subj:     A Good Friend (S128)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-12
      and From: TA989287 on 7/8/99

  1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person
     who let you have the red crayon when all that was left
     was the ugly brown one.

  2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as
     you walked through the scary halls.

  3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who helped you stand up to the class bully.

  4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on
     the bus.

  5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym
     so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty
     Nicky or Smelly Susan.

  6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who
     saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

  7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who
     went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them
     to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't
     have to be embarrassed.

  8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who
     let you copy the social studies homework from the night
     before that you had forgotten about.

  9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old
     baseball cards so that your room would be a "high
     schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you
     finished and broke out into tears.

 10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior
     so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

 11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person
     who changed their schedule so you would have someone to
     sit with at lunch.

 12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the
     person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced
     your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you
     when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a
     date to the prom.

 13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the
     person who helped you pick out a college, assured you
     that you would get into that college helped you deal with
     your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the
     idea of letting you go.

 14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person
     who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest
     smile one could give as they congratulated you.

 15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend
     was the person who gave you a reason to get out of the
     house when you just couldn't deal with your parents,
     assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan
     were back together, you could make it through anything,
     helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged
     you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of
     memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those
     last days of childhood, went out of their way to come
     over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories,
     reassurance that you would make it in college as well as
     you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent
     you off to college knowing you were loved.

 16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who
     gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand
     when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to
     take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you
     are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten,
     helps you put the past behind you but understands when
     you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you
     so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to
     make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes,
     helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for
     you when they are sad, helps you become a better person,
     and, most important, loves you!

Top
Subj:     Little Teddy's Teacher (S85)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-09-08

 There is a story many years ago of an
 elementary teacher.  Her name was Mrs.
 Thompson.  And as she stood in front of her
 5th grade class on the very first day of school,
 she told the children a lie.  Like most teachers,
 she looked at her students and said that she
 loved them all the same.  But that was
 impossible, because there in the front row,
 slumped in his seat, was a little boy named
 Teddy Stoddard.

 Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year
 before and noticed that he didn't play well with
 the other children, that his clothes were messy
 and that he constantly needed a bath.  And
 Teddy could be unpleasant.  It got to the point
 where Mrs. Thompson would actually take
 delight in marking his papers with a broad red
 pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F"
 at the top of his papers.

 At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught,
 she was required to review each child's past
 records and she put Teddy's off until last.
 However, when she reviewed his file, she was
 in for a surprise.

 Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a
 bright child with a ready laugh. He does his
 work neatly and has good manners...he is a joy
 to be around."

 His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an
 excellent student, well liked by his classmates,
 but he is troubled because his mother has a
 terminal illness and life at home must be a
 struggle."

 His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's
 death has been hard on him. He tries to do his
 best but his father doesn't show much interest
 and his home life will soon affect him if some
 steps aren't taken."

 Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is
 withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in
 school.  He doesn't have many friends and
 sometimes sleeps in class."

 By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem
 and she was ashamed of herself.   She felt
 even worse when her students brought her
 Christmas presents,  wrapped in beautiful
 ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's.
 His present which was clumsily wrapped in the
 heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery
 bag.

 Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the
 middle of the other presents.  Some of the
 children started to laugh when she found a
 rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones
 missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full
 of perfume.  But she stifled the children's
 laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the
 bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some
 of the perfume on her wrist.

 Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day
 just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson,
 today you smelled just like my Mom used to."
 After the children left she cried for at least an
 hour.

 On that very day, she quit teaching reading,
 and writing, and arithmetic.  Instead, she
 began to teach children.

 Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to
 Teddy.  As she worked with him, his mind
 seemed to come alive. The more she
 encouraged him, the faster he responded.  By
 the end of the year, Teddy had become one of
 the smartest children in the class and, despite
 her lie that she would love all the children the
 same, Teddy became one her "teacher's pets."

 A year later, she found a note under her door,
 from Teddy, telling her that she was still the
 best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

 Six years went by before she got another note
 from Teddy.  He then wrote that he had
 finished high school, third in his class, and she
 was still the best teacher he ever had in his
 whole life.

 Four years after that, she got another letter,
 saying that while things had been tough at
 times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it,
 and would soon graduate from college with the
 highest of honors.  He assured Mrs. Thompson
 that she was still the best and favorite teacher
 he ever had in his whole life.

 Then four more years passed and yet another
 letter came. This time he explained that after
 he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go
 a little further. The letter explained that she
 was still the best and favorite teacher he ever
 had.  But now his name was a little longer --
 the letter was signed,  Theodore F. Stoddard,
 M.D.

 The story doesn't end there. You see, there
 was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said
 he'd met this girl and was going to be married.
 He explained that his father had died a couple
 of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs.
 Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the
 wedding that was usually reserved for the
 mother of the groom.

 Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess
 what?   She wore that bracelet, the one with
 several rhinestones missing.  And she made
 sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy
 remembered his mother wearing on their last
 Christmas together.

 They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard
 whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you
 Mrs. Thompson for believing in me.  Thank you
 so much for making me feel important and
 showing me that I could make a difference."

 Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes,
 whispered back.  She said, "Teddy, you have it
 all wrong.  You were the one who taught me
 that I could make a difference.  I didn't know
 how to teach until I met you."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 You can easily judge the character of others by
 how they treat those who can do nothing for
 them or to them. --Malcolm Forbes
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
 Never be quick to judge.  A persons present situation does
 not necessarily dictate his future.

Top
Subj:     Day On The Sesame Street Bus (S206)
          From: Anaise on 98-02-19

 There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus
 driver for elementary school children.  He thought it would
 be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame
 Street.  So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie
 Monster and so forth.  At his first stop, there was this
 very over-weight little girl.  He opened the door and said
 "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"

 The girl said that her name was Pattie.

 Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl.
 He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver.  What is your name?"

 She said that her name was Pattie also.

 At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy.
 The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver.  What is
 your name?"

 The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my
 son."  She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want
 you to take extra good care of him."  The bus driver replied,
 "No problem."  "He can have this seat right behind me and I
 can watch him really good in the mirror."

 At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing
 there.  The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had
 no shoes or socks on his feet.  The poor little boy had
 problems walking because of bunions all over his feet.  The
 bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver.  What is your
 name?"

 The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

 Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the
 school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that
 night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the
 new job was.

 The man replied:

 Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese
 Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny's Summer Vacation (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
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Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny has been in the secound grade for about three
 years know and can't seem to graduate to third grade.  It is
 the end of the school year and Little Johnny fails again.
 The teacher tells little Johnny that if he can write a story
 of what happened over his summer vacation with out swearing
 he will go straight to the third grade.  So Johnny agrees
 and leaves for summer vacation.

 Well it's the start of the new school year and the teacher
 say that little Johnny has a story for us class.  Ok little
 Johnny tell your story.  Little Johnny get up in front of
 the class and starts his story.  Over summer vacation I went
 to my grandfathers house and he has a big barn with a big
 cock on top of it.  Where ever the cock points that is where
 the wind is blowing.  The teacher says that was a very good
 story Little Johnny but why does it have to be a cock,
 little Johnny look at his teacher and says, well if it was
 a cunt the wind would blow right through it.

Top
Subj:     Johnny Carson Reads Letters From 3rd Graders
          From: Wimp.com
          on 2/21/2013  (S842d in Letters1)
 Source1: https://www.youtube.com/embed/Eoj1iBKPmOU
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/thirdgraders/

 On "The Tonight Show" on June 20,1986, Johnny Carson read
 letters from third graders in which they finish off proverbs.
 Click 'HERE' to see Johnny read these cute proverbs from 3rd graders.

Top
Subj:     Well Known Proverbs By First Graders (S120, S807)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
      and From: tom on 6/29/2012

 Ah, the mind of a six year old...

 A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five
 students in her class.  She presented each child in her
 classroom with the first half of a well known proverb and
 asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 It's hard to believe these were actually done by first
 graders.  Their insight may surprise you.  While reading
 these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-
 olds, because the last one is classic!
 

 As you shall make your bed, so shall you... mess it up.

 Better to be safe, than............. punch a 5th grader.

 Strike while the.................... bug is close.

 It's always darkest before.......... daylight savings time.

 Never under estimate the power of... termites.

 You can lead a horse to water, but.. how?

 Don't bite the hand that............ looks dirty.

 No news is.......................... impossible.

 A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.

 You can't teach an old dog new...... math.

 If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the
                                          morning.

 Love all, trust..................... me

 The pen is mightier than the........ pigs.

 An idle mind is..................... the best way to relax.

 Where there's smoke, there's........ pollution.

 Happy the bride who................. gets all the presents!

 A penny saved is.................... not much.

 Two's company, three's.............. the Musketeers.

 Don't put off tomorrow, what........ you put on to go to bed.

 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
   cry and........................ you have to blow your nose.

 None are so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.

 Children should be seen and not..... spanked or grounded.

 If at first you don't succeed, ..... get new batteries.

 You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

 When the blind lead the blind....... get out of the way.

 There is no fool like............... Aunt Eddie.

 And my favorite...

 Better late than.................... pregnant

From: julie@shamrockgold.com on 9/8/2005
 Don't change horses................. until they stop running.

From: tom on 6/29/2012
 A bird in the hand.................. is going to poop on you.

Top
Subj:     Famous Quotations By Fourth Graders (S51)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #11 on 98-01-12

 A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a
 list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original
 endings for each one.  Here are some examples of what they
 submitted:

 The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

 A rolling stone plays the guitar.

 The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

 A bird in the hand is a real mess.

 No news is no newspaper.

 It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

 It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

 You have nothing to fear but homework.

 If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

 If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

 Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

 A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

 The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

 We have nothing to fear but our principal.

 To err is human.  To eat a muskrat is not.

 I think, therefore I get a headache.

 Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

 It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

 Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

 There is nothing new under the bed.

 The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

 Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Top
Subj:     1923 Elementary School Teacher Requirements (S159, S957)
          From: smiles on 02/16/2000
      and From: Debbie McCreery Habegger on Facebook
 Source: http://motleynews.net/2015/03/02/copy-of-a-school-
.........teachers-contract-from-1923-weve-come-a-long-way-baby/

 The following was found in the Utah County Journal; it's an
 article outlining some of the agreements in a 1923 elementary
 school teacher's contract for female teachers teaching in
 Payson City, Utah.
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Top
Subj:     Real Teachers (S405b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/15/2004

 Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

 Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

 Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials,
 in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of
 nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

 Real teachers know that sixth graders
 get hormones from  Santa at Christmas.

 Real teachers cheer when they hear that
 April 1st does not fall on a school day.

 Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids
 without straightening up the line.

 Real teachers never sit down without
 first checking the seat of the chair.

 Real teachers have disjointed necks from
 writing on boards without turning around.

 Real teachers are written up in medical journals
 for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

 Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read
 the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

 Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes
 18 seconds.  Master teachers can eat faster than that.

 Real teachers can predict exactly which
 parents show up at open house.

 Real teachers understand the importance
 of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

 Real teachers never teach the conjugations
 of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

 Thanks The Irish Warlock

Top
Subj:     Are You An Elementary School Teacher (S154)
          From: smiles on 01/11/2000

 A quiz... I kind of think this quiz can tell if you are mom
 to young kids too...

 Are You A TRUE Elementary School Teacher? Let's Find Out:

 Chapter 1 Do you ask guests if they have remembered their
   scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

 Chapter 2 Do you move your dinner partner's glass away
   from the edge of the table?

 Chapter 3 Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom
   as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

  4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

  5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?

  6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of
     you in a checkout line?

  7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic
     who repairs your car nice?

  8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the
     mechanic who fails to repair your car to your
     satisfaction?

  9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look
     up a number in the phone book?

 10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat
     everything?

 11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you
     hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

 12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something
     to share with the group?

                                ~~~

 * If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you
   are hooked on teaching.  And if you're not a teacher, you
   missed your calling.

 * If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too
   much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking
   about retirement.

 * If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you'll *always*
   be a teacher, retired or not!

Top
Subj:     You Might Be In Education IF.....
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-03-29

  1.  you believe the staff room should be equipped with a
      Valium salt lick.
  2. you find humor in other people's stupidity.
  3. you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice
     to work 8 to 3 and have your summers free."
  4. you believe chocolate is a food group.
  5. you can tell it's a full moon without ever looking
     outside.
  6. you believe "shallow gene pool" should have
     its own box on the report card.
  7. you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if
     anyone says,
     "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
  8. when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your
     fingers at a child.
  9. you have no time for a life from August throught June.
 10. putting all "As" on a report card would make your life SO
     much easier.
 11. when you mention "vegetables," you are not talking about a
     food group.
 12. you think people should be required to get
     a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
 13. you believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
 14. you encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
 15. you believe no one should be permitted to reproduce
     without having taught in a middle school for at least
     five years.
 16. you can't have children because there isn't any name
     you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
 17. you think caffeine should be available to staff in IV
     form.
 18. meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question,
     "Why is this kid like that?"
 19. your personal life comes to a screeching halt
     at report card time.

Top
Subj:     You Might Be In Education If...
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19

 * You can converse in middle schoolease.
 * Your last nerve is a distant memory...
 * Every day is a bad hair day.
 * You find humor in public parental discipline.
 * You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.
 * You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium
   salt licks.
 * You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor
   children to "Walk!"
 * Junior Highers make you feel old but
   you could not be paid to be that age again...
 * You refer to adults as "boys and girls".
 * You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good
   helper".
 * You believe chocolate is a major food group.
 * You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
 * You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box
   on the report card.
 * When you are out in public you snap your fingers at
   children who are misbehaving.
 * You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
 * You have no life from August through June.
 * Putting all A's on the report card would be so much easier.
 * You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
 * You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #166 on 98-07-05
 * When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to
   strange children and correct their behavior.
 * You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

Top
Subj:     12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School (S153)

 (Also see 'Bill Gates' Message on Life' in JOBS3
       and 'Bill Of No Rights' in POLITICAL1)

  1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.
  2. The real world won't care as much about your self esteem
     as your school does.  It'll expect you to accomplish
     something before you feel good about yourself.  This may
     come as a shock.
  3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high
     school.
  4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a
     boss.
  5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
  6. It is not your parents' fault.  If you screw up, YOU
     are responsible.
  7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as
     they are now.  They got that way paying your bills,
     cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how
     idealistic you are.
  8. Life is not divided into semesters. You won't get summers
     off.
  9. Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look
     like a moron.
 10. You are not immortal.
 11. Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.
 12. Enjoy this while you can.

Top
Subj:     Excuses To Stay Home (S237, S452b)
          From: kmacinty on 8/10/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 9/13/2005

 Excuses actually received by teachers at school via notes
 from home...from San Francisco Teacher, 1978 (including
 spelling):  The last two came from other cities.

 Lillian was absent from school because she had a going over.

 Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  he had
 (diahre)(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were
 crossed out.]

 Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.

 Please excuse Sara for being absent.  She was sick and I
 had her shot.

 My son is under a doctor's care and should not take fizacal
 ed. today.  Please execute him.

 Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I
 had her shot.

 Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

 Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

 Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday
 he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

 John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
 of face.

 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
 He was hurt in the growing part.

 Megan could not come to school today because she has been
 bothered by very close veins.

 Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

 Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.  He had
 diarrhea and his boots leak.

 Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

 Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

 Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We
 forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
 found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

 Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.  We have to
 attend her funeral.

 My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
 She spent a weekend with the Marines.

 Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had
 a cold and could not breed well.

 Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was
 in bed with gramps.

 Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

 Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
 sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was
 also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low
 grade fever and ached all over.  I wasn't the best either,
 sore throat and fever. There must be something going
 around, her father even got hot last night.

 I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
 shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

 Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school
 yesterday.  His father is gone and I could not get
 him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Top
Subj:     Jesus Taught The Disciples (S348)

 Reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter
 (CTA means 'Classroom Teacher's Association'):

 The Lesson

 Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered
 them around Him.  He taught them saying, "Blessed are the
 poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed
 are the meek.  Blessed are they that mourn.  Blessed are
 they who thirst after righteousness.  Blessed are they who
 are persecuted.  Blessed are they who suffer.  Be glad and
 rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.  Remember what
 I am telling you."

 Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"

 And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"

 And James said, "Will we be tested on it?"

 And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"

 And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."

 And the other disciples likewise.

 Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus'
 lesson plan and inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in
 the cognitive domain.

 And Jesus wept.

Top
Subj:     Seatbelt Sign (S510b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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                           -(o o)-
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..........................From Smiley_Central
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