Subj:     School3 Jokes
                 (Includes 84 jokes and articles, 30 1006,3,cf,wYT4a,2)

          Click "Here" for School-Supp

Hilighters from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Pre-School Test (S463 in Supp)
.........................Teacher Reads Chicken Little Story (S477 in Supp)
.........................Neighbor Follows Tim To School (S364b in Supp)
.........................Did You Know - Video (S526b in Supp)
.........................Shakespear In Elementary School (S507 in Supp)
.........................Interview With A Teaching Prospect (S410 in Supp)
.........................Man Meets Perky Young Lady (S401b in Supp)
.........................Blonde Waves In Supermarket (S464 in Supp)
.........................Harry Wants To Jump To 3rd Grade (S341 in Supp)
.........................The Sneeze (S341b in Supp)
.........................First Grade Teacher Explains Politics (S312 in Supp)
.........................Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S310 in Supp)
.........................Little Johnny Learns About Electricity (S435b in Supp)
.........................Little Johnny Uses 'Fascinate' (S408b in Supp)
.........................Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating (S382 in Supp)
.........................Little Johnny Has A Substitute (S308 in Supp)
.........................Classroom Computer Crashes (S300 in Supp)
.........................The New School Prayer (S297 in Supp)
.........................The Blueberry Story (S276b in Supp)
.........................The Sister's 'List Of Names' Assignment (S92 in Supp)
.........................Mother Goose & Grimm (S1006)
.........................Presents 'To The Teacher' (S232, S642a)
.........................Palisades High School Answering Machine (S471)
.........................Teacher Gets To Know Kids (S270b, S468)
.........................Teacher Gets To Know Kids II - Video (S357, S569c)
.........................Night Before School Starts (S239, DU)
.........................New School Prayer (S169, S468b)
.........................Man Dies And Goes To Heaven (S166, S337)
.........................Indian Student's First Day (S161, S661b)
.........................Female Teacher Kicks Three Boys Out of Class (S151, S529c)
.........................What A Teacher Does (S129b, S648)
.........................Homework Policy (S119, DU)
.........................PUZZLE - Calculating Teacher's Age (S119)
.........................Class Learns Stories With Morals (S116, S773)
.........................Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School (S111, S671)
.........................Teacher's Salaries (S105, S325)
                         Short School Jokes (S91)
..............................Public Schools - Definition (S397b in Supp)
..............................Teacher's Salaries (S394 in Supp)
..............................Teacher Questionaire (S391b in Supp)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke (S351b in Supp)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke2 (S383 in Supp)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke3 (S390b in Supp)
..............................Teacher-Pupil Joke4 (S390b in Supp)
..............................School Board Cancels Advanced English (S334 in Supp)
..............................Letter To The First Grade Teacher (S300 in supp)
..............................Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511)
..............................Nursery Students Learn Of Freedom (S285b)
..............................Boys Vs Girls In School (S254b)
..............................Teaching German (S251)
..............................A Test Of Courage In School (S248)
..............................Teacher Arrested (S244)
..............................Illinois Teacher Tests (S241)
..............................Teacher Discusses Blood Circulation (S216, S451)
..............................Note Sent Home From The Teacher (S206)
..............................Marine Teacher's Discipline Solution (S186, S806)
..............................Stand Up If You're Stupid (S135)
..............................Teaching Vincent Math (S130)
..............................Columbine Jokes (S129)
..............................Kindergarteners See Flag (S120)
..............................How Long Should This Report Be? (DU)
..............................Mother Wakes Son For School (S91)
..............................Little Johnny In A Spelling Bee (S46)

SCHOOL1 and 2 contains jokes
SCHOOL3 contains jokes and short jokes
Subj:     Mother Goose & Grimm (S1006)
          By Mike Peters on 4/30/2016
Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
Subj:     Presents 'To The Teacher' (S232, S642a)
          From: BennoRo on 7/5/2001
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 It was the first day of school and the first grade teacher
 arrived to find her students seated in class talking with
 one another.  She noticed that on the blackboard someone
 had written " T T T l A ."

 This was unusual...  The teacher asked "Children, who
 wrote this on the board?"

 Little Johnny raised his hand, "I did teacher."  So she
 asked, "What does it mean?"

 He said, "To the teacher, one apple."  He went up and
 gave her an apple.  She said, "Thank You."

 The next morning she arrived to find another cryptic note
 on the blackboard:  " T T T l O "

 "Children, who wrote this on the board?" the teacher asked.

 Bobby raised his hand and said "I did teacher."  She
 asked, "Well Bobby, what does that mean?"

 He said, "To the teacher, one orange," and he gave her
 an orange.  "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You."

 The following day when she got to class she noticed
 another note:  " F U C K l T ."

 This was disappointing.  The teacher roared "WHO WROTE
 THAT ON THE BOARD?!"  Little Pepito raised his hand,
 "I did teacher."  "Well what does this mean, Pepito?"

 "It means:  From us Chicano kids, one tamale."

Subj:     Palisades High School Answering Machine
          From: jtgalvan on 1/23/2006 (S471d)
from Palsisades Charter
High School Symbol
 To listen and read about the fictional answering machine
 message from Palisades Charter High School, click 'HERE'.

Subj:     Teacher Gets To Know Kids (S270b, S468, DU)
          From: gheckman on 3/31/2002
      and From: hellgunner50 on 1/8/2006

 It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher
 thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their
 name and what their father does for a living.

 The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy
 is a postman."

 The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

 Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father
 is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

 The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but
 later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy
 privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad
 dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,

 "No,"  the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National
 Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hilary
 Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in  front of
 the other kids."

Subj:     Teacher Gets To Know Kids II (S357, S569c)
          Made by Talking Tom
          From: Steven Sanfilippo on Facebook
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/gqxTjJ5hIqk
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=969543446396423
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when
the teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.  Click 'HERE' to
listen to this Talking Tom's joke of Little
Johnny's fathers occupation.
Subj:     Night Before School Starts (S239, DU)
          From: tnkr on 8/24/2001

 Actually, I think this applies more to our teacher nightmares
 than the thoughts of our kids.....which, while I think about
 it, it says a LOT for us as their teachers.

                      Look Out!!!
                               by Max Fatchan

             The witches mumble horrid chants,
           You're scolded by five thousand ants,

             A martian pulls a fearsome face
             And hurls you into Outer Space,

         You're tied in front of whistling trains,
            A tomahawk has sliced your brains,

           The tigers snarl, the giants roar,
               You're sat on by a dinosaur.

       In vain you're shouting ''Help'' and ''Stop''
            The walls are spinning like a top,

             The earth is melting in the sun
             And all the horror's just begun.

         And, oh, the screams, the thumping hearts
           That awful night before school starts.

Subj:     New School Prayer (S169, S468b)
          From: TAdams on 4/18/00
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/10/2006

 Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are
 not allowed in most public schools anymore because the
 word "God" is mentioned.... a teen in Bagdad, Arizona
 wrote the New School Prayer.

 Now I sit me down in school
 Where praying is against the rule
 For this great nation under God
 Finds mention of Him very odd.
 If Scripture now the class recites,
 It violates the Bill of Rights.
 And anytime my head I bow
 Becomes a Federal matter now.
 Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
 That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
 The law is specific, the law is precise.
 Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
 For praying in a public hall
 Might offend someone with no faith at all.
 In silence alone we must meditate,
 God's name is prohibited by the state.
 We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
 And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
 They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
 To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
 We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
 And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
 It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
 We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
 We can get our condoms and birth controls,
 Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
 But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
 It's scary here I must confess,
 When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
 So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
 Should I be shot;
 My soul please take!


Subj:     Man Dies And Goes To Heaven (S166, S337)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 04/02/2000
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003

      Moved to

      'Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates'

      in HEAVEN2

Subj:     Indian Student's First Day (S161, S661b)
          From: RFSlick on 2/26/00
      and From: tom on 9/12/2009

 It was the first day of  school in the USA and a new Indian
 student named Chandrasekhar Patel entered the fourth grade.

 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
 History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

 She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who
 had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

 'Very good!'

 Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
 People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

 Again, no one responded except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham
 Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

 The teacher snapped at the class, you should be ashamed.
 Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about
 its history than you do.

 She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 'General Custer, 1862.'

 At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

 The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said

 Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese
 Prime Minister, 1991.

 Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

 Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
 shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,

 Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little
 shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against
 him, 2004.'

 'The teacher fainted.

 And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
 someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

 And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "Illinois Governor Rod
 Blagojevich, December 9, 2008."

Subj:  Female Teacher Kicks Three Boys Out of Class
       (S151, S529c)
       From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 12/21/1999
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

 A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
 Grade 6 class one day.  It was a large assignment so she
 started writing high up on the chalkboard.  Suddenly there
 was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.  She
 quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

 "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

 "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
 you for three days."

 The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.  Realizing she
 had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the
 very top of the chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even
 louder giggle from another male student.  She quickly turns
 and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"

 "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

 Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"  This time the
 punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for
 three weeks."

 Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
 turns around again.  So she bends over to pick it up.  This
 time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
 She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 "Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

 "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Subj:     What A Teacher Does (S129b, S648)
          From: smiles on 6/22/99
      and From: gattica30 on 6/5/2009

 This is from a brand new teacher ......

 Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into
 that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking
 moment with a love for learning.

 Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their
 ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and
 observe them for signs of abuse.

 I am to fight racism, patriotism, the war on drugs and
 sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for
 guns and raise their self-esteem.

 I'm to teach them good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair
 play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a
 checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask
 if they are in this country illegally.

 I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a
 safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial
 behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for
 student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for
 the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always
 making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent
 of my attention.

 I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time
 (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards
 additional certification, advanced certification and a
 master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the
 sophomore class (my choice) and after school.

 I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and
 participate in staff development training to maintain my
 current certification and employment status.

 I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that
 my very presence  will awe my students into being obedient
 and respectful of authority.

 I am to purchase supplies, room decorations, bulletin board
 supplies, supplies for children who can't afford them, and
 luxury items such as scissors, glue, scotch tape, paper
 clips, note book paper, red pens, and markers with my own
 money as there is no money in the budget for these  items.

 I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few
 books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that
 qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

 Is that all? Work like you don't need the money, Love like
 you've never been hurt before, and Dance like no one is

Subj:     Homework Policy (S119, DU)
          From: Anaise on 5/10/99

 Here is an explanation of our homework policy :

 Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night.
 The time should  be budgeted in the following manner:

 --15  minutes looking for assignment
 --11  minues calling a friend for the assignment
 --23  minutes explaining to parents why the teacher is mean
       and just does not like children
 ---8  minutes in the bathroom
 --10  minutes getting a snack
 ---7  minutes checking the TV Guide
 ---6  minutes telling parents that the teacher
       never explained the homework
 --10  minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting
       for Mom to do the assignment


 These are given the night before they are due. This explains
 the name "long term".  It is a long term commitment to time
 that begins at 9:30PM and ends at 11:50PM.  It is important
 that the whole family is involved in the project.  It is
 imperative that at least one family member race to Walmart
 for posterboard, and that one family member ends up in tears
 (does not have to be the student).

 One parent needs to stay up and complete the project.  The
 other parent needs to call the school and leave a message
 that the student is out sick.

 It is not necessary to have the student's name on the

Subj:     PUZZLE - Calculating Teacher's Age (S119)
          From: collins2 on 5/11/99

 Mrs. Porter's students were singing "happy birthday" to her
 when playfully they warbled, "How old are you?"

 "It's not polite to ask a lady about her age, but there is
 a way in which you can figure it out for yourselves...by
 doing a little math."

 With that, the instructor presented the following mind-
 stretchers to her curious scholars.

 "Some months have 30 days; others have 3l.  But how many
 have 28?

 "If a basket's filled with 20 apples and you take away
 seven of them, how many do you have?

 A farmer has 80 head of cattle and all but 30 are sold.
 How many does he have left?

 "How many animals of each gender did Moses take on the Ark?

 "How many birthdays does the average person have?"

 Smiling, Mrs. Porter directed, "Now, all that you have to
 do is take the answers to each of the five questions and
 add them together.  The figure you come up with will tell
 you which birthday I'm celebrating today."

 By our calculations, the answers are:
 l2 (every month has at least 28 days).
 7 (you took them).
 30 (the cattle that weren't sold).
 0 (Noah, not Moses, captained the Ark).
 l (you are only born once).

 With a little addition, it's elementary, the teacher
 turned 50.

Subj:     Class Learns Stories With Morals (S116, S773)
          From: Tom_Adams on 4/14/99 and 11/5/2011
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

 The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get
 their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
 of it.  The next day the kids came back and one by one began
 to tell their stories.

 Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-
 laying hens.  One time we were taking our eggs to market in
 a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump
 in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
 a mess"

 "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

 "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

 "Our family are farmers too.  But we raise chickens for the
 meat market.   We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they
 hatched we only got ten live chicks.  And the moral to this
 story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

 "That was a fine story Lucy.  Johnny do you have a story to

 "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob.
 Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit.  He
 had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a
 bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.  He drank
 the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
 he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.  He
 killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran
 out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete
 till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with
 his bare hands."

 "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of
 moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

 "Don't f*** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Subj:     Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School
          From: RFSlick on 99-03-13  (S111, S671)
 (See 'Fourteen Year Old Has First Sex' on Sex1
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
  and 'Having Sex With Your English Teacher' in Sex2)

 Little Johnny returns from school and upon being greeted by
 his mother is immediately asked, "What did you learn today
 in school Johnny?"  He answers that he learned about sex
 today in class.  His mother asked him just what was taught.
 Johnny said he learned about vaginas, penises, Coitus, human
 anatomy and fondling genitalia including masturbation.  His
 mother became enraged and sent him to his room telling him
 to await the arrival of his father from work.

 In the interim she called her sister on the phone and
 explained the tragedy to her.  Her sister being a few years
 her junior and a little more current with the times, persuaded
 her that this is the twenty-first century and that sex is now
 being taught in school.

 Mother went to Johnny's room, and entering without first
 knocking, walks in on him, and catches him masturbating.
 She immediately says to him, "When you get done with your
 homework, you can watch T. V."

Subj:     Teacher's Salaries (S105, S325)
          From: RFSlick on 4/24/2003
          Typed by AJSwitzer

 I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary schedules.
 What we need is a little perspective.  If I had my way, I'd
 pay these teachers myself.  I'd pay them babysitting wages.
 That's right-instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd
 give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket.  And I'm only
 going to pay them for 5 hours, not for any coffee breaks.

 That would be $15.00 a day-each parent should pay $15.00 a
 day for these teachers to babysit their child.  Even if they
 have more than one child, it's still a lot cheaper than
 private daycare.

 Now, how many children do they teach a day-maybe 20?  That's
 $15.00 times 20 equals $300.00.  But remember, they only work
 180 days a year!  I'm not going to pay them for all these
 vacations.  $300.00 times 180 equals $54,000 (Hold on a minute,
 I think my calculator isn't working right.)

 I know teachers will ask what about those teachers who have
 10 or more years of experience and a Master's degree?  Well,
 maybe (to be fair) they could get minimum wage, and instead
 of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story or
 something.  We could round that off to $5.00 an hour, times
 20 children.  That's $500.00 a day times 180 days.  That's

 Huh?  Wait a minute, let's get a perspective here.  Baby-
 sitting wages are too good for these teachers.  Where did
 we put that salary schedule?

Subj:     Short School Jokes

Subj:     Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511wma)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006 (in Contractor)
Drawing from Ginny Prior Media Services

 This 1,500 KB radio broadcast is a call by a young Irish
 girl to a demolition company.  She asks them to destroy
 her school.  You can listen to the funny recording by
 clicking 'HERE'.  Down loads a file to your computer
 when running Google-Chrome.

Subj:     Nursery Students Learn Of Freedom (S285b)
          From: morinhome on 7/17/2002
 For the Fourth of July a nursery school teacher took the
 opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

 "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the
 things we should be happy is that, in this country, we
 are all free."

 One little boy came walking up to her from the back of
 the room.  He stood with his hands on his hips and said:
 "I'm not free.  I'm four."

Subj:     Boys Vs Girls In School (S254b)
          From: jerry on 12/10/2001
 Why a man needs a woman.

 A University of Hong Kong study claims that while girls
 perform better academically in all-girl schools, boys'
 academic results suffer in all-boy schools.

 Even in co-educational classes girls outperformed boys
 in most subjects.

 Specifically girls did much better in science without
 boys around and boys did particularly badly in the arts
 without girls being around.

 While kind of on the subject, reading this reminded me
 of something Red Skeleton once said:  "We all make
 mistakes, but married men find out about theirs sooner."

 South China Morning Post 1-Dec-01

Subj:     Teaching German (S251)
          From: jerry on 11/19/2001
 Newt Gingrich, for his attempt to explain how teachers
 should and should not be selected:

 "You can now get a certificate to teach German by sitting
 through enough classes, but if you speak German, you can't
 teach German, you can't teach German if you don't have a
 certificate.  So you can have a German teacher who can't
 speak German but they have the certificate so they can
 teach, even though they can't teach.

 If you can speak it, you can't teach it, even if you could
 teach it.  Are you with me so far?"

Subj:     A Test Of Courage In School (S248)
          From: jerry on 10/30/2001
 Schools who don't keep their students busy enough.

 Bonehead award two goes to three teenagers in Mount
 Vision, New York from the Morris Central School who,
 as a test of courage, or more accurately a testament
 to their stupidity, shot each other in the leg with a
 .22 caliber rifle.

 They've been charged with second-degree assault.  They
 will recover from their physical wounds.

 Associated Press via Newsday (Long Island, NY) 27-Oct-01

Subj:     Teacher Arrested (S244)
          From: jerry on 10/1/2001
 Bonehead award four, a ''stupidest excuse in the world
 bonehead award'' goes to a Milwaukee Public School High
 School teacher who, after being arrested for possession
 of child pornography, after asking the school librarian
 to make a copy of a video showing two of the students
 having sex, explained that he wanted a copy because,
 among other things, he wanted to strengthen his student/
 teacher relationship with the young man.

 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 14-Sep-01

Subj:     Illinois Teacher Tests (S241)
          From: bonehead on 9/10/2001
 According to the Chicago Sun-Times, 5,243 Illinois teachers
 failed 24 out of 25 teacher competency tests, many of the
 tests being at the eighth and ninth grade level.

 Chicago Sun-Times 6-Sep-01

Subj:     Teacher Discusses Blood Circulation (S216, S451)
          From: RFSlick on 3/18/2001
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 9/7/2005 (S451b - political2)
 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
 blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
 class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
 would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

 "Yes" the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
 standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood
 doesn't run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted,
 "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Subj:     Note Sent Home From The Teacher (S206)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com ON 1/5/2001
 Joey's teacher send a note home to his mother saying, "Joey
 seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his
 time thinking about sex and girls."

 Joey's mother wrote back the very next day, "If you find a
 solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his

Subj:     Marine Teacher's Discipline Solution (S186, S806)
          From: rlr29 on 8/22/00
      and From: virv on 6/22/2012
 A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as
 a high school teacher.  Just before the school year
 started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear
 a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
 Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't

 On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
 the toughest students in the school.  The smart alack
 punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
 Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be
 testing his discipline in the classroom.  Walking
 confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
 opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When
 a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a
 stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

 Dead silence from the class.  Discipline was not a
 problem from that day forth!

Subj:     Stand Up If You're Stupid (S135)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/27/99
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
 courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who
 thinks they're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds,
 Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think
 you're stupid, Little Johnny?

 Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
 standing there all by yourself."

Subj:     Teaching Vincent Math (S130)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99
 Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father
          for another, how many dollars would you have?
 Vincent: One dollar.
 Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
 Vincent: You don't know my father.

Subj:     Columbine Jokes (S129)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #308 on 6/21/99
 2 Black Trench coats: $140
 2 Semi Automatic Rifles: $1200
 2 Ski Masks: $10
 2 Ammunition Magazines: $19.

 The look on your classmates' faces: Priceless.
 Some things money can't buy. For everything else,
    there's MasterCard

 Q: What is the difference between The Trench Coat Mafia
    and NATO in Kosovo?
 A: About a year of meticulous planning....

Subj:     Kindergarteners See Flag (S120)
          From: mbucher on 5/20/99
 The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyc-
 lopedia page picturing several national flags.  She
 pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

 A little girl called out, That's the flag of our country."
 "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our
 country?"  'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

Subj:     How Long Should This Report Be? (DU)
          From: Joke-of-the-day on Friday, April 9,1999
 Source: http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/
 Student: "How long do you want this report to be?"

 Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper
 much like a lady's dress - long enough to cover the
 subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting."

Subj:     Mother Wakes Son For School (S91)
         From: icohen on 98-09-22
 Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

 "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

 "But why, Mom?  I don't want to go."

 "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

 "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers
  hate me, too!"

 "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.  Come on
  now and get ready."

 "Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

 "Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
  And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Subj:     Little Johnny In A Spelling Bee (S46)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #270 on 97-12-08
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class.  He had to
 spell the word and use it in a sentence.  The teacher asked
 him to please spell the word "ear".

 Little Johnny stood up and proudly said "E-A-R".  Then to
 use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a
 joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of
 smoke he pretended to pass the joint to Little Suzy and
 said, "Ear."

 In 1900 one in ten US adults couldn't read or write.  Only
 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

 A teacher asked Lil' Suzy, "Please punctuate the following
 sentence: 'Fun fun fun worry worry worry.'"

 Lil' Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's
 see 'Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!'"

 Never let your schooling interfere with your education. (S11)

 Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others
 just gargle. (S11)

 If there were no schools to take the children away from
 home, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers.
   -- Edgar Watson Howe (S11)

 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and
   laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. (S11)

 One advantage of being an elementary school teacher as
   opposed to working as a high school teacher is that it's
   easier to get a parking space every morning. (S11)

 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 - Derek Bok, president of Harvard (S11)

Quotes from Famous Economist:
   Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting
      has to Agriculture.
   Sports makes higher education palatable for students who
   do not belong.  -- Veblen

 A school board in Maine that had 'Black Beauty' pulled from
   the shelves in the mistaken belief that it had something
   to do with sexy females of African ancestry.

 Strikebound L.A. teachers rejected the school districts
   latest offer saying it was copied from a previous offer,
   contained too many erasures and misspellings, and was
   turned in late.

From the L.A. Times:  70% of big city schools now have metal
   detectors.  This is a great idea.  Now they can tell if a
   student has really been shot or if they're just faking it
   to get out of a test.

 Clarence Notree, a Chicago gym teacher, reacted to a gunman
   shooting at his students by herding the stunned children
   out a door to safety, but was himself hit in the hand.
   After a hearing, the Illinois Industrial Commission awarded
   the 19-year veteran $13,447 in Worker's Compensation for
   his injury.  But the Chicago Board of Education appealed
   the ruling, saying that saving the children's lives was
   not part of a physical education teacher's job.  After an
   outcry, the Board agreed to approve the claim.

 A student questioned his 0 on a test.  "But these are the
   same answers as Tran, and he got hundred percent." "Tran
   had a different test."

 Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

From: ipkis on 97-12-06 (S46)
 Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a
   lesson on science.  She had explained about magnets and
   showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of
   iron.  Now it was question time and she asked, "My name
   begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.  What
   am I?"  A little boy on the front row said, "You're a

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer
   in public schools.

 Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills
   all its students!

From: RFSlick on 98-05-08
 "It's our our job to prepare kids for what they will be
    using tomorrow, not what people are using today ..."
      --- Houston K-12 teacher

From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
 i souport publik edekashun.

From: auntieg on 98-05-20
 My kid had sex with your honor student.

From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider
   requiring all students to do some "volunteer work"
   as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 3/13/00 (S165)
 "Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
     -- Donna Maria G, age 9

From: mombear1 on 7/22/2001 (S234)
 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
 up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
 What is the logic?  Do tall people burn slower?"
   -- Warren Hutcherson

From: KMACINTY on 8/2/2001 (S237)
 "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in
 a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with
 clue musk and did the clue mating dance." - Edward Flaherty

 (It's perfect for students who don't do their homework and
 wonder why their grades are falling.)  -- Kirsten

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/7/2002 (S258)
 "I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own
 coroner.  We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going
 to be If I Grow Up.'"  -- Lenny Bruce

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/17/2002 (S264, S473)
 "The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those
  who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn,
  unlearn, and relearn."  -- Alvin Toffler

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/5/2002 (S266c)
 "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with
  an open one."  -- Malcolm S. Forbes

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/28/2002 (S269c)
 Human history becomes more and more a race between
 education and catastrophe. -- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

From: Newsweek, October 2,2000, Page 42 (S191)
 "By the time students graduate from high school, they've
  spent a full year being taught by substitutes,...

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
 "There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented
  by a good teacher."  -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2002 (S275)
 "Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and
  three-fourths theater."  -- Gail Godwin

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2003 (S339)
 A teacher affects eternity: he can never tell where his
 influence stops.  -- Henry [Brooks] Adams (1838 - 1918)

 It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in
   creative expression and knowledge.  -- Albert Einstein

 Teaching should be such that what is offered is preceived
   as a valuable gift and not as a hard duty."  -- Albert Einstein

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/17/2002 (S294b)
 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
   -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

From: Anon. Junior on 4/13/2006 (S482c)
 In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for practice.
 Then he made school boards.  -- Mark Twain.

  It is noble to teach oneself, it is still nobler to teach others.
   -- Mark Twain (in Quotes2)

From: LABLaughsClean on 1/7/2008 (S573b)
 "Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned."
    -- Mark Twain

From the book "Teacher Laughs" by Allen Klein (S582b)
               Gramercy Books, New York
 When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name,
 it means trouble.  -- Mark Twain

 For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2002 (S279b)
 Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
   -- Will Durant

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/30/2002 (S287b)
 Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the
 21st century.  -- Perelman

From: dogbyte on 9/6/2002 (S292b)
 I suhport publik edukashun

 Q: Why is a diploma like a condom?
 A: It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot
    of effort, it's worthless the next day.

 Q: Why did the doctor bring his eyechart into the classroom?
 A: Because he wanted to test the pupils!

 Q: Did you hear about the teacher who was fired
    for being cross-eyed?
 A: She couldn't control her pupils.

Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke For 2/9/97
 Q: Did you hear about the new sex ed film on VD
    that they're showing to first graders?
 A: It's called See Dick Run.

From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
 Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
 A: A private tutor.

                           -(o o)-
...........................From Smiley_Central.