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Subj: Statistics and Accounting
          (Includes 58 jokes and articles, 30958n,9,cf,wXT,5)

Accountant and Books from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Economic Chart - Cartoon (S630c)
.........................Bread (S103)
.........................A Drunk Stats Major At The Final (DU)
.........................Frank And Ernie's On Economists (S554c)
.........................Marrying A Statistician (DU)
.........................An Engineer, A Physicist And A Statistician Answer (DU)
.........................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S657b)
.........................Statistician Won't Fly In A Plane (DU)
.........................The Ten Commandments Of Statistical Inference (DU)
.........................The Sudoku Accounting Method (S584)
.........................Statistics Quotes (DU)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon On April 13 (DU)
                         Short Statistics Jokes
..............................Herman Cartoon On Accountants (S595c)
..............................Dilbert's Comic Strip On Statistics (S590)
..............................Caveman Accountants Cartoon
..............................Teaching Statistic (S221)
..............................Frank And Ernie's On Economists II (S628b)

Also see COLLEGE PROF - 'The Economics Professor And Socialism'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Three Men At The Urinals'
         HOOKER file  - 'The Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'An Accountant Goes To Heaven'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Accountant Leaves Wife For Secretary'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Election 2000 Statistics'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids'
         SEX3 file    - 'Statistics on Women and Sex:'
......................- 'Statistical Findings On Sex:'
......................- 'Public Sex Statistics'
......................- 'UN Statistics'

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Subj:     Economic Chart (S630c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/3/2009
 Source: (Removed from thepostmanscorner.net)

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Subj:     Bread (S103)
          From: mbucher on 99-01-17

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
     households score below average on standardized tests.

  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
     in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
     years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high;
     many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
     typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
     within 24 hours of eating bread.

  5. Bread has been proven to be addictive.  Subjects deprived
     of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
     as little as two days.

  6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
     "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and
     even cold cuts.

  7. Bread has been proven to absorb water.  Since the human
     body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
     bread could lead to your body being taken over by this
     absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
     bread-pudding person.

  8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

  9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
     Fahrenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
     than one minute.

 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
     distinguish between significant scientific fact and
     meaningless statistical babbling.

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Subj:     A Drunk Stats Major At The Final (DU)
          From: ez017842

 A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final
 exam.  It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a
 coin for the answers.  The stats professor watched the
 student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...
 writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
 At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the
 final except for the one student.  The professor walks up
 to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:

 "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this
 statisticts test, you didn't even open the exam.  If you are
 just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so
 long?

 The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the
 coin): "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

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Subj:     Frank And Ernie's On Economists (S554c)
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/26/2007
 Src: http://www.gocomics.com/frankandernest/2007/08/26

 You can see Frank and Ernie's Sunday cartoon on Economists
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Marrying A Statistician (DU)

 "You haven't told me yet," said Lady Nuttal, "what it is
 your fiance does for a living."

 "He's a statistician," replied Lamia, with an annoying
 sense of being on the defensive.

 Lady Nuttal was obviously taken aback.  It had not occurred
 to her that statisticians entered into normal social
 relationships.  The species, she would have surmised, was
 perpetuated in some collateral manner, like mules.

 "But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting profession," said
 Lamia warmly.

 "I don't doubt it," said her aunt, who obviously doubted
 it very much.  "To express anything important in mere
 figures is so plainly impossible that there must be
 endless scope for well-paid advice on the how to do it.
 But don't you think that life with a statistician would
 be rather, shall we say, humdrum?" Lamia was silent.  She
 felt reluctant to discuss the surprising depth of emotional
 possibility which she had discovered below Edward's
 numerical veneer.

 "It's not the figures themselves," she said finally.  "It's
 what you do with them that matters." (K.A.C. Manderville,
 The undoing of Lamia Gurdleneck)

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Subj:     An Engineer, A Physicist And A Statistician Answer (DU)

 Three people answered an add for an open job - an engineer,
 a physicist and a statistician.  When the engineer went in,
 he was asked:
 Q: "What is two plus two?"
 A:  "Four."

 When the physisict went in, he was asked the same question:
 Q: "What is two plus two?"
 A:  "Four."

 The statistician went in next.  When the question was posed
 to him, he looked around furtively, shut the door and drew
 the blinds closed.  His response: "What do you want it to be?"

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Subj:     The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S657b)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 8/5/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theflyingmccoys/2009/08/05
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Subj:     Statistician Won't Fly In A Plane (DU)

 A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because
 he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of
 there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million,
 and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

 One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home.
 "How did you get here, by train?"

 "No, I flew"

 "What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?"

 Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are
 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x
 (1/1,000,000).  This is a very, very small probability,
 which I can accept.  So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

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Subj:     The Ten Commandments Of Statistical Inference (DU)

  1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical inference with a shotgun.
  2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference
     without an experimental design.
  3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence
     of a model.
  4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
  5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain
     significant results.
  6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
  7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
  8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
  9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
 10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from
     statistical significance.

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Subj:     The Sudoku Accounting Method (S584)
          By Bob Thaves on 4/2/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frankandernest/2008/04/02

 You can view this cute Frank and Ernest cartoon
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Statistics Quotes (DU)

 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.

 In earlier times, they had no statistics,
 and so they had to fall back on lies.

 Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.
 Variance is what any two staticticians are at.

 (Not that I particularly dislike statisticians...
 I hate all mathematicians!!) [sorry mum!]

 97.3% of all statistics are made up.

From: joeshmoe
 Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.

 I could prove God statistically.

 43% of all statistics are worthless.

 "There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain

 A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically
 precise line from an unwarranted asumption to a foregone
 conclusion.

 A statistician can have his head in an oven and his
 feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he
 feels fine.

 (Excerpted from "Quotes, Damned Quotes" by John Bibby)
 If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong,
 then nine times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News,
 1979)

 "I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
 Parliament.  The first lesson that you must learn is,
 when I call for statistics about the rate of infant
 mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died
 when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was
 Prime Minister.  That is a political statistic."
   -- Winston Churchill

 From: goble
 You know how dumb the average guy is?  Well, by
 definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
   -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

 Statisticians probably do it
 Algebraists do it in groups.
   -- Al Sethuraman, Calma Company, San Diego

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon On April 13 (DU)
          By Wiley Miller on 4/13/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/04/13
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Subj:     Short Statistics Jokes

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Subj:     Herman Cartoon On Accountants (S595c)
          From: Comics.com on 4/2/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/herman/2008/06/18
 You can view this cute cartoon about accountants
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Dilbert's Comic Strip On Statistics (S590)
          By Scott Adams on 5/8/2009
 Source: http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2008-05-08/
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Subj:     Caveman Accountants Cartoon
          From: Unknown source on 8/10/2007
 You can view this cartoon on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Teaching Statistic (S221)
          From: TAdams on 4/23/2001
 Here's an eye-opener: Classroom teachers make up only 52
 percent of the public education work force in the United
 States and 12 states have more non-teachers than teachers,
 according to the Education Intelligence Agency.

 The 30-page report, "Tribute for a Light: Public Education
 Spending and Staffing," compiles the latest education
 information from the Education Department, the Census
 Bureau, the National Education Association and the American
 Federation of Teachers.

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Subj:     Frank And Ernie's On Economists II (S628b)
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/19/2007
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frankandernest/2009/01/19
 You can see this second Frank and Ernie's cartoon
 on the economists of our nation by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

 Did you know that the great majority of people have more
 than the average number of legs?  [It's obvious really;
 amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are
 probably 5,000 people who have only got one leg.
 Therefore the average number of legs is
 (5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)
 -----------------------------  = 1.9999123......
          57,000,000
 Since most people have 2 legs.......
 

 Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
 Statisticians do it when it counts.
 Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
 Statisticians do it with large numbers.
 Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
 Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.
 Statisticians do it.  After all, it's only normal.
 Statisticians probably do it.

From: rgep
 Probabilists do it on random walks.
 Probabilists do it stochastically.
 Statisticians do all the standard deviations.
 

 "Give us a copper Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury
 statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square.
 "I haven't eaten for three days."
 "Ah," said the statistician, "and how does that compare
 with the same period last year?"  -- Russell Lewis

 A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference
     between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
 A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in
     ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

 It's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked
 to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap.
 "Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in
 too.  But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."

 Did you hear the one about the statistician?
 Probably....

 97.3% of all statistics are made up.
 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

 Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.

 Did you hear about the Statistician that couldn't get laid?
 He decided a simulation was good enough.

 "She was only the statistician's daughter,
 but she knew all the standard deviations."

 All probabilities are 50% ... either something happens,
 or it doesn't!

From: ossama on 98-05-12
 Statistics show that America has the highest rate of
 deaths from firearms.  This proves that guns don't
 kill people, keeping statistics.

From: igiggle on 4/26/2003 (S326b)
 Economists have forecast nine out of the last five recessions.
 

From: kgilmour2000 on 3/13/2012 (S792)
 Two economists were sitting at a nudist colony.
 The one said, "Have you read Marx?"
 The other says, "It's these wicker chairs."
 
 

 Q: What is the definition of a statistician?
 A: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.

 Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
 A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).

From: dogbyte on 3/27/2002 (S269c)
 Q: What do accountants do when they get constipated?
 A: They work it out with a pencil.

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...........................From Smiley_Central
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