Subj: Statistics and Accounting
(Includes 57 jokes and articles, 14792,8,cf)
Accountant and Books from
Also see COLLEGE PROF - 'The
Economics Professor And Socialism'
COWBOY2 file - 'Three Men At The Urinals'
HOOKER file - 'The Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming'
HEAVEN2 file - 'An Accountant Goes To Heaven'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Accountant Leaves Wife For Secretary'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Election 2000 Statistics'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids'
SEX3 file - 'Statistical Findings On Sex:'
Economic Chart (S630c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/3/2009
Click on the above source, or
for my file version,
of this economic chart of our present problems.
Subj: Bread (S103)
From: mbucher on 99-01-17
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children
who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when
virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high;
many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent
crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to
be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway"
food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and
even cold cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to
absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
bread could lead to your body being taken over by this
absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures
as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
than one minute.
10. Most American bread eaters
are utterly unable to
distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling.
Subj: A Drunk Stats Major At The Final (DU)
A stats major was completely
hung over the day of his final
exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a
coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the
student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...
writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the
final except for the one student. The professor walks up
to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you
did not study for this
statisticts test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are
just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so
The student replies bitterly
(as he is still flipping the
coin): "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
Frank & Ernie's On Economists (S554c)
You can see Frank and Ernie's
comic strip on Economists
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Marrying A Statistician (DU)
"You haven't told me yet," said
Lady Nuttal, "what it is
your fiance does for a living."
"He's a statistician," replied
Lamia, with an annoying
sense of being on the defensive.
Lady Nuttal was obviously taken
aback. It had not occurred
to her that statisticians entered into normal social
relationships. The species, she would have surmised, was
perpetuated in some collateral manner, like mules.
"But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting
"I don't doubt it," said her
aunt, who obviously doubted
it very much. "To express anything important in mere
figures is so plainly impossible that there must be
endless scope for well-paid advice on the how to do it.
But don't you think that life with a statistician would
be rather, shall we say, humdrum?" Lamia was silent. She
felt reluctant to discuss the surprising depth of emotional
possibility which she had discovered below Edward's
"It's not the figures themselves,"
she said finally. "It's
what you do with them that matters." (K.A.C. Manderville,
The undoing of Lamia Gurdleneck)
Subj: An Engineer, A Physicist And A Statistician Answer (DU)
Three people answered an add
for an open job - an engineer,
a physicist and a statistician. When the engineer went in,
he was asked:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
When the physisict went in, he
was asked the same question:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
The statistician went in next.
When the question was posed
to him, he looked around furtively, shut the door and drew
the blinds closed. His response: "What do you want it to be?"
The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S657b)
by Glenn and Gary McCoy
From: GoComics.com on 8/5/2009
Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon about financial advisers.
Subj: Statistician Won't Fly In A Plane (DU)
A famous statistician would never
travel by airplane, because
he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of
there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million,
and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at
a conference far from home.
"How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if
the odds of one bomb are
1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x
(1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability,
which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
Subj: The Ten Commandments Of Statistical Inference (DU)
1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical
inference with a shotgun.
2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference
without an experimental design.
3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence
of a model.
4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain
6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from
Subj: Statistics Quotes (DU)
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
In earlier times, they had no
and so they had to fall back on lies.
Statistics is the art of never
having to say you're wrong.
Variance is what any two staticticians are at.
(Not that I particularly dislike
I hate all mathematicians!!) [sorry mum!]
97.3% of all statistics are made up.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
I could prove God statistically.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain
A statistician is a person who
draws a mathematically
precise line from an unwarranted asumption to a foregone
A statistician can have his head
in an oven and his
feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he
(Excerpted from "Quotes, Damned
Quotes" by John Bibby)
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong,
then nine times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News,
"I gather, young man, that you
wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is,
when I call for statistics about the rate of infant
mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died
when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was
Prime Minister. That is a political statistic."
-- Winston Churchill
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by
definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
Statisticians probably do it
Algebraists do it in groups.
-- Al Sethuraman, Calma Company, San Diego
Subj: Short Statistics Jokes
Herman Comics On Accountants (S595c)
Dilbert's Comic Strip On Statistics (S590)
By Scott Adams on 5/8/2009
The Sudoku Accounting Method (S584)
From: Unknown source
Frank & Ernie's On Economists II (S628b)
Subj: Teaching Statistic (S221)
From: TAdams on 4/23/2001
Here?s an eye-opener: Classroom teachers make up only 52
percent of the public education work force in the United
States and 12 states have more non-teachers than teachers,
according to the Education Intelligence Agency.
The 30-page report, "Tribute
for a Light: Public Education
Spending and Staffing," compiles the latest education
information from the Education Department, the Census
Bureau, the National Education Association and the American
Federation of Teachers.
Did you know that the great majority
of people have more
than the average number of legs? [It's obvious really;
amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are
probably 5,000 people who have only got one leg.
Therefore the average number of legs is
(5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)
----------------------------- = 1.9999123......
Since most people have 2 legs.......
Statisticians do it continuously
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians probably do it.
Probabilists do it on random walks.
Probabilists do it stochastically.
Statisticians do all the standard deviations.
"Give us a copper Guv" said the
beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square.
"I haven't eaten for three days."
"Ah," said the statistician, "and how does that compare
with the same period last year?" -- Russell Lewis
A topologist is a man who doesn't
know the difference
between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in
ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
It's like the tale of the roadside
merchant who was asked
to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap.
"Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in
too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."
Did you hear the one about the
97.3% of all statistics are made
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Did you hear about the Statistician
that couldn't get laid?
He decided a simulation was good enough.
"She was only the statistician's
but she knew all the standard deviations."
All probabilities are 50% ...
either something happens,
or it doesn't!
From: ossama on 98-05-12
Statistics show that America has the highest rate of
deaths from firearms. This proves that guns don't
kill people, keeping statistics.
From: igiggle on 4/26/2003 (S326b)
Economists have forecast nine out of the last five recessions.
From: kgilmour2000 on 3/13/2012 (S792)
Two economists were sitting at a nudist colony.
The one said, "Have you read Marx?"
The other says, "It's these wicker chairs."
Q: What is the definition of
A: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.
Q: How many statisticians does
it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
From: dogbyte on 3/27/2002 (S269c)
Q: What do accountants do when they get constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.
|Smiley accountant from