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Subj:     Australian Jokes
                 (Includes 31 jokes, 12 1130,17,cf,wXT4a8a,9)

..........L5 Update
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Australian flag from
Animation Factory
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Includes the following:  Air New Zealand - Meet Dave  (S1030)
.........................Air New Zealand Safety Video (S927)
.........................Suicide Counselling in Australia w/Photo (S1107)
.........................Beatbox Brilliance By Tom Thum - Video (S864)
.........................Tim Mingin's Commencement Speech (S922)
.........................Copulating With Kangaroos (DU)
.........................Quokka And Her Baby - Photo (S1130)
.........................Cattle Trains In Australia - Article/Video (S803)
.........................Aussie Beer Commercial - Video (S650)
.........................The Great Aussie Love Poem (S451)
.........................Australian Bike Commercial (S512b)
.........................Australian Bushman's First Time With A Woman (S58)
.........................VB Stubby Symphony - Video (S567)
.........................Tourist Shocked In Australia (S432b)
.........................Lost Luggage - Video (S555b)
.........................Sean Connery Has Sex Three Times (S352b)
.........................Australian Kiwi Bacon Ad - Video (S634)
.........................Australian Slang translation by Ozmurt: (S130)
.........................The Front Fell Off - Video (S672)
.........................Australian Gun Control (S436b)
.........................Short Aussie Jokes
..............................Australian Tooheys Beer Commercial (S682)
..............................Muslims Out Of Australia (S561c)
..............................Australian Government's Terrorist Kit (S314)
..............................XXXX Gold Retreat On Tour - PPS (S615c)
..............................Lost Australian Sheep (S489, DU)

Also see BAR2 file    - 'American, Canadian, And An Australian In Seedy Bar'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Two Men Fight Over Duck'
         BIRDS-SUPP   - 'Birds Of Paradise Project' - Video
         CARS3 file   - 'Repairing Your Car At K-Mart'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Scared in Australia'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Doctor Gets Speeding Ticket'
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Snail Costume'
         HOOKER file  - 'Barmail Does Sex For Money'
......................- 'Cancer Victim Gets Lade'
         ITALIAN file - 'Short Italian Jokes'
         JOBS-STF-SUP2- 'Nigel Marsh - Work Life Balance' - Video
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'Letter To God At Christmas'
         NATIONAL file- 'Cultural Differences Explained'
         OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Whale Watching In Australia'
         OTH_ANIM-SUP2- 'Baby Bat Burritos at Australian Bat Clinic' - Video
         OTH-SPORT-SUP- 'Bubble Soccer With Rhys Uhlich' - Video
         PENIS2 file  - 'Wow, Your Baby Is So Small' - Drawing
         PILOT file   - 'Australian Pilot Standards'
         PILOT-SUPP   - 'This Is Why We Fly....' - Video
         SLOGAN-PROVRB- 'Australian Aboriginal Proverb'
         TRACK file   - 'Australian Olympic Questions'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Road Train Trucks' - Article/Video
         WOMEN1 file  - 'Women Empowerment
......................- 'The Ages Of Woman And Man'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Air New Zealand - Meet Dave  (S1030)
          From: Jenny Whitsed in 2016 (d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/oLTUz9qk45o
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.......
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.......Click 'HERE' to Meet Dave. He's a bird. Yet he 
.......does all of his flying with Air New Zealand. 
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Top
Subj:     Air New Zealand Safety Video (S927)
          From: Air New Zealand (d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/qOw44VFNk8Y
 Source2: www.blog.sfgate.com/cmcginnis/2014/10/22/is-
..........this-the-most-epic-airline-safety-video-ever/

 Air New Zealand says that the safety video, starring Elijah
 Wood and Sir Peter Jackson, was shot over six days across a
 number of New Zealand's Middle-earth locations.  Click 'HERE'
 to see this beautiful, well done plane safety ad.

Top
Subj:     Suicide Counselling in Australia....
          From: TLL in 2018 (S1107)
 Source: www.dave6006.wordpress.com/2017/12
........./08/effective-suicide-counseling/
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......
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.A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a 
 high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering
 by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a
 few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a
 little sex before you go?"

 She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

 He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just
 go and wait at the bottom."

 She didn't jump.
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Top
Subj:     Beatbox Brilliance By Tom Thum
          Made at TEDxSydney
..........in 2013 (S864d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/GNZBSZD16cY
 Source2: www.wimp.com/bestbeatbox/

 Armed with just a microphone, Tom Thum pushes the limits of
 the human voice to create incredible soundtracks of impossible
 beats and phenomenal sounds, with scratched vinyl, the Michael
 Jackson back-catalogue, the didgeridoo and an entire fifties
 jazz band amongst his vocal repertoire.  Click 'HERE' to see
 and hear Tom Thum in this wonderful performance at TEDxSydney.

Top
Subj:     Tim Mingin's Commencement Speech (S922d)
          Pub: universitywa (d-iFrame)
          From: Petra van Klaveren-Chini on Facebook
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/yoEezZD71sc
 Source2: www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152625573641844

 Tim Minchin shares his "9 Life Lessons" in his Commencement
 address at UWA.  Tim, a former UWA arts student described as
 "sublimely talented, witty, smart and unabashedly offensive"
 in a musical career that has taken the world by storm, is
 awarded an honorary doctorate by The University of Western
 Australia.  Click 'HERE' to see this great, funny, thoughtful
 commencement speech.

Top
Subj:     Copulating With Kangaroos (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #181

 An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in
 a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day.  While driving
 along the road, his wife asks, "Look!  What is that man
 doing with that kangaroo?"

 The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"

 Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!"
 and husband says, "Disgusting!  I shall report this when
 we get back to the hotel."

 They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one
 wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel.  The
 husband charges in and says, "Look we come here in good
 faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens?  We
 are driving down the road and we come across a drover in
 copulation with a kangaroo.  Further on, recurrence of the
 same thing.  Then we get back here only to find a man with
 one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating on your steps.  Well,
 what do you have to say about that!?"

 The manager says, "'Struth mate, you expect a man with one
 wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

Top
Subj:     Quokka And Her Baby (S1130)
          From: Animal Advocates in 2018
 Source: www.pinterest.com/pin/333970128598111517/
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..............
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............Quokkas are about the size of a cat and
............marsupials like kangaroos and wallabies.
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Top
Subj:     Cattle Trains In Australia 
          From: tom in 2012
..........(S803d-iFrame
 Source1: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_train
 Source2: www.kingsley-foreman.tripod.com/Towtruckphotos/id9.html
 Source3: www.youtube.com/embed/_tkFUIWjsH4

 (See 'Road Train Trucks' in Truck-Bus)

 A road train or roadtrain is a trucking concept used
 in remote areas of Argentina, Australia, Mexico, the
 United States and Canada to move freight efficiently.
 The term "road train" is most often used in Australia.
 In the U.S. and Canada the terms "triples," "turnpike
 doubles" and "Rocky Mountain doubles" are commonly
 used for longer combination vehicles (LCVs).  A road
 train consists of a relatively conventional tractor
 unit, but instead of pulling one trailer or semi-
 trailer, a road train pulls two, or more, of them.

 Cattle trains consist of large numbers of trucks, each
 pulling three, double-deck trailers full of cattle
 traveling across Australia together.

 Click 'HERE' to see and read about this interesting
 phenonenon.

Top
Subj:     Aussie Beer Commercial
          From: tom in 2009
..........(S650d-iFrame in Dog1)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/JbjkeCkGbXo

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute Australian beer ad.

Top
Subj:     The Great Aussie Love Poem (S451)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005

 Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
 And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word

 So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
 It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab

 So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
 So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There

 No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
 They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

 I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies
 I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

 I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met
 I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get

 No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear
 Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

Top
Subj:     Australian Bike Commercial
          From: edapsmas in 2006
..........(S512b,d-iFrame, in Bicycle)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/CN1QiEZk5tw

 You can view this cute commercial by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Australian Bushman's First Time With A Woman
..........(S58, S565c)

 A rich American lady visited Australia. Lacking entertainment,
 she asked the hotel to send her up a virgin Australian male.
 The hotel, which specialised in satisfying strange and unusual
 requests, did its best, and eventually tracked down a big
 bushie who reckoned he'd never been with a woman (or man) but
 was agreeable to the task and went up to her room.

 When he got there, he immediately started moving furniture
 around.

 "What're ya doing ?" she exclaimed in puzzlement

 "Werl, I dunno much about women" he replied, "but if they're
 anything like kangaroos, I'm gunna need a LOT of room !"

Top
Subj:     VB Stubby Symphony
          From: rfslick in 2007
..........(S567d-iFrame in Beer1)
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/CVVbrwY8kIg

 You can view this Australian, beer commercial by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Tourist Shocked In Australia (S432b)
          From: darrell94590 in 2005

 A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for
 the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a
 sheep.  Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub
 and ordered a straight Scotch.

 Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with
 one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

 "What the hell?!" the tourist cried, "What the hell's going
 on here?  I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke
 shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off
 in the bar!"

 "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "You can't expect
 a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."

Top
Subj:     Lost Luggage
          From: edbabcock
..........in 2007 (S555b,d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/AGfn9lcsCv4

 This video is about a Welsh comedian who looses his
 luggage on a trip to Sydney, Australia.  You can see
 it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Sean Connery Has Sex Three Times
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003 (S352b)

 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
 and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could
 still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who
 was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
 Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd
 love to have sex with an older man.  Let's go back to
 my place."

 So they go back to her place and have great sex.
 Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
 let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even
 better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls
 in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
 Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
 He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have
 even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was
 wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour,
 we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my
 balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right
 hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and
 complies. The results are mind blowing.

 Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit,
 Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your
 balls in my left hand and your dick in my right
 stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean
 replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a
 slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

Top
Subj:     Australian Kiwi Bacon Ad 
          From: ft.apache in 2009
..........(S634d-iFrame, in Food-Supp)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/lVD0_qNsjVY

 You can watch this cute Australian commercial
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Australian Slang translation by Ozmurt:
          From: smiles in 1999 (S130)

 This is how we talk in the land Down Under.........
 by Ozmurt

 G'day mate !  I have attempted to explain our language.
 Now if you are offended easy may I suggest you get your
 arse out of here now.  If not I hope you enjoy.

 G'day mate = Plesed to make your acquaintance.

 Aussie = Australian, dinky di aussie, true blue.

 Pommie = Englishman

 Yank = American, Septic

 You little ripper! = Words of praise, good on ya, well done.

 Go on = I'm not entirely convinced you know what your
    talking about.

 Bloody Oath = In total agreeance with you.

 Brew = Coffee

 Roo,Boomer = Kangaroo

 Arvo = Afternoon

 Fair Dinkum = True, honest, real, Is that right.

 Crust = To earn money, living, dough, job.

 Mate = Friend, cobber, pal, buddy.

 Tinny = Can of beer.

 You Drongo = An idiot, dimwitted person.

 Whadayawant = May I enquire about your needs?

 Your shout = Your turn to buy the next round of drinks.

 Cool Banana's = Great, everythings fine, cool, fantastic.

 No Worries = Everything will be okay, not a problem.

 Shelia = Girl, woman, female.

 Pissed = Drunk, blind, plastered, smashed, intoxicated.

 Hit the frog and toad = To get going, leave, hit the road.

 Brown nosing = Sucking up to the boss.

 Bob's your Uncle = No worries, she'll be right.

 Righto = No worries, yes, okay.

 Dead horse = Tomato sauce.

 Sanga = Sandwich

 Snag = Sausage

 Billy lids = Children, kids.

 Bread winner = Who earns the money in the family.

 Water the horse = Men say this when they are going
    to the toilet.

 Vegemite = A black yeast extract, spred on bread or toast.

 Drop your guts = Someone who has just farted, passed wind.

 Ridgey Didge = Speaking the truth, real, fair dinkum.

 Hooroo = Good-bye, see ya.

 Dummy = Baby pacifer or could mean being stupid, silly.

 Dunny = Toilet, loo, throne.

 Fair crack of the whip = Settle down, calm down,
    enough is enough.

 Shit the bed = When someone gets up early which is unusual
    for them, arrive early when normaly late.

 Hit the fart sack = Male say this when going to bed.

 Dad and Dave = Having a shower and a shave.

 Nackered = Stuffed, tired, buggered.

 Hair of the dog = An alcohlic drink, taken for a hangover,
    usually first thing in the morning.

 Thingamebob = An item, object, when you forget the name
    of the object.

 Spit the dummy = Throw a tantrum

 Barbie = A get together of family and friends and cook
    on the BBQ.

Top
Subj:     The Front Fell Off
          From: tom in 2009
..........(S672d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/GgrX7uOZqHI
 Source2: www.snopes.com/photos/politics/frontfell.asp

 On 21 July 1991, the Greek tanker Kirki lost its bow off
 the coast of Western Australia (WA). During the incident
 and the subsequent tow of the tanker to a safe haven
 some 17,280 tons of light crude was lost.

 This video is a a comedy sketch from the early 1990s.
 John Clarke and Brian Dawe pretend to be Senator
 Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, and
 an interviewer for Australian television in which they
 discuss this accident.

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute comedy skit.

Top
Subj:     Australian Gun Control (S436b)
          From: jbcary1on in 2005

 (See 'Anti-Gun Control Statistics' in Hunting-Supp)

 WARNING -  This is a news article and NOT a joke.

 From: Ed Chenel, A police officer in Australia

 Hi friends, I thought you all would like to see the real
 figures from Down Under.  It has now been 12 months since gun
 owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender
 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government,
 a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million
 dollars.

 The first year results are now in: Australia-wide, homicides
 are up 3.2 percent, Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent;
 Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44
 percent)!  In the state of Victoria alone, Homicides with
 firearms are now up 300 percent.  (Note that while the law-
 abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and
 criminals still possess their guns!

 While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady
 decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed
 drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals
 now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.  There has also
 been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the
 elderly.

 Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public
 safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense
 was expended in "successfully ridding Australian society of
 guns."  You won't see this on the Canadian evening news or hear
 your Member of Parliament disseminating this information.

 The Australian experience proves it.  Guns in the hands of
 honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control
 laws affect only the law-abiding citizens.  Take note Canadians,
 before it's too late!

Top
Subj:     Short Aussie Jokes

Top
Subj:     Australian Tooheys Beer Commercial
          From: ft.apache in 2010 (S682d-iFrame)
          (in Drinking_Beer-Supp)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/F0r3l8fqVbc
 Click 'HERE' to learn how tough guys open their beers down under.
 

Top
Subj:     Muslims Out Of Australia
          From: SCOTCOB
..........in 2007 (S561c)
 One month after the July 2005 London Tube bombings Prime
 Minister John Howard of Australia held a two-hour summit
 with moderate Muslim leaders in Canberra to work on a
 national strategy for addressing intolerance and the
 promotion of violence.  To read the results of this
 meeting, click 'HERE'.

 This article is true as verified by Snopes.com at
 http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/australia.asp
 

Top
Subj:     Australian Government's Terrorist Kit
          From: jerry in 2003 (S314)
 The Australian government's solution to the terrorist
 problem is to send all Australians a refrigerator magnet.
 The magnets, costing $15 million to produce and mail out,
 tells how to spot a terrorist and lists a phone number to
 call if you happen to see one.
 

Top
Subj:     XXXX Gold Retreat On Tour - PPS
          From: darrellvipin 2008
          (S615c in Drinking Beer Supp)
 A beer truck in Australia which travels with entertainment
 is amazing.  Click 'HERE' to view this impressive PowerPoint.
 

Top
Subj:     Lost Australian Sheep
          From: auntiegah
..........in 2006 (S489, DU)
 An Australian sheepherder couldn't figure out why he was
 losing so many lambs.  He installed an electric fence to keep
 out predators.  One day, not long after the fence was
 finished and turned on, there was a massive short and all the
 power on the ranch went out.  To see what happened to his
 sheep, click 'HERE'.

 Sydney Morning Herald (Australia) 3-Feb-03
 

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 Italian foreplay:  Elbowing his sleeping wife
    he says "Hey, yoy awake?"
 Australian foreplay: "Hey Sheila, you awake?"
 Tasmanian foreplay: "You awake, sis?"
 New Zealand foreplay: "You awake, fluffy?"

 There are no dress codes in Australian pubs - just a sign
    at the door saying 'Knuckles must not drag on the floor'.

 The average Australian has one testicel and one breast.

 Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
 Australian coat of arms for that reason.

From: darrell94590 in 2006 (S496b)
 The Local Area Network in Australia is called
 The LAN down under.

.

 Q: Why is an Australian hunter a good lover?
 A: He goes deep into the bush, shoots twice,
    and always eats what he shoots!

 Q: How can you tell when a sick Aussie is getting better?
 A: He tries to blow the froth off his medicine.

 Q: What do you call an Aussie sheepdog ?
 A: A pimp.

 Q: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Australia?
 A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 Q: How do Australians count their cows .....
 A: 1... 2... 3... Hi honey... 5... 6... 7...

From: RFSlick in 1999 (S117)
 Q: Did you hear they found a new use for sheep
    in Australia?
 A: Wool.

From: JBCARY1 in 2001 (S238)
 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
 A: A stick.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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..........................Great Barrier Reef from Smiley_Central.
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