.
Subj:     Englishman Jokes
                 (Includes 48 jokes and articles, 26 1023n,22,cf,wYT2c,15)

          Click "Here" for Englishman-Supp
 


UK flag from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Liverpool Giant Puppets - Video (S959 in Supp)
.........................Tea And Sexual Consent (S1003 in Supp)
.........................Mrs Brown's Sticky Situation - Video (S886 in Supp)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip (771 in Supp)
.........................A MINI Performance - Video (S948 in Supp)
.........................Britain's Got Talent - Shadow Act - Video (S850 in Supp)
.........................Magician Jamie Raven On BGT 2015 - Video (S968 in Supp)
.........................Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding - Video (S797 in Supp)
.........................Britain's Got Talent 2011: Edward Reid - Vid (S784 - Supp)
.........................Faryl Smith Sings On Britain's Got Talent (S750 in Supp)
.........................America Britain Competition - Sign (S1016 in Supp)
.........................Building The Seed Cathedral - Video (S749 in Supp)
.........................Britain's Got Talent: Matrix Dance - Video (S745 in Supp)
.........................Giant Puppet Dog Xolo In Liverpool - 2 Videos (S913-Supp)
.........................
.........................Queen Elizabeth WWII Mechanic (S935)
.........................The T-Mobile Royal Wedding - Video (S741)
.........................Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch - Video (S742)
.........................The London Eye - Videos/PPS (S729)
.........................Elderly Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
.........................Hollie Steel On Britain's Got Talent - Video (S673b)
.........................A Well Planned Retirement!!! (S652b)
.........................Susan Boyle On Britains Got Talent - Video (S640)
.........................Prince Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! II (S664)
.........................Earthquake in Albania (S360)
.........................Paul Potts Sings Opera - Video (S550)
.........................British Soldiers Return From Falkland (608b)
.........................The British Dry Cleaners - Video (S477b)
.........................American Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
.........................The British Speak About Election 2000 (S198, DU)
.........................The Red Sparrows - Video (S665b)
.........................The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
.........................Royalty On Safari (S27, DU)
.........................Britains Got Talent Striptease - Video (S665)
.........................Why British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
.........................Granny Stops Car Thieves - Video (S699)
.........................Learning English In England (S388b)
.........................Learning English In England-Supp (S388b)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S628b)
                         Short Englishman Jokes
..............................Chewin The Fat - Ladder Accident - Video (S765 - Supp)
..............................Britain's Radio Program Hold Your Plums (S767 in Supp)
..............................Queen Elizabeth's 23rd Wax Figure (S802 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Church Signs In England (S679b)
..............................One Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents (S673b)
..............................The Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
..............................European Heaven And Hell (S129, S494c)
..............................Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault' (S602)
..............................An American In London (S129, S494c)
..............................Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)

Also see ARAB file    - 'Two English At A Native Restraunt'
         ARTIST file  - 'British Art'
         BALLS file   - 'Mr. Bean Is Kicked In The Balls' - Video
         BASEBALL     - 'Queen of England Watches Baseball'
         BIOLOGY file - 'What a Wonderful World w/David Attenborough' - BBC Video
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'FAA Test'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Mr. Bean Christmas'
         DATING3 file - 'Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'UK Brain Surgeon Suspended'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Talking Dog Wendy On Britain's Got Talent' - Video
......................- '3 Soda Water Dogs At An English Pub' - Video
......................- 'Gin The Dog'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Urban Legend Exposed'
......................- 'The Origin Of The Middle Finger'
......................- 'Dubious Achievement Awards -- British Division'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Some Abortions Illegal'
         FAIRYTALE-SUPP- 'The Three Little Pigs - News Video'
         FOURTH ofJULY- 'Letter To Thomas Jefferson '
         GENIE file   - 'Prince Charles Kills Mom's Dog'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Three Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
.........HORSES file  - 'The Sketch Show UK - Irish Jockey' - Video
......................- 'The Sketch Show Fox - Irish Jockey' - Video
         IRISH file   - 'God Creates Earth'
......................- 'Englishman, Irishman, And Scotsman In A Bar'
......................- 'An Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Three English Taunt An Irish'
         ITALIAN file - 'Fucking Nude Woman On Beach'
         JEWISH1 file - 'A Jew Is Knighted'
         JUDGE file   - 'UK Wife Files For Divorce'
......................- 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
         MEN1 file    - 'Indian, African And Englishman Levitate Wives'
         NATIONAL file- 'Are You An American? (British Test)'
......................- 'Cultural Differences Explained'
         NATIONAL2    - 'British Mirror On September 11'
.........NATIVES file - 'Cannibals Capture French,English,?New Yorker'
         OTH-OCCUP-SUP- 'Ventriloquost Nina Conti Live At The Apollo' - Video
         OTH-OCUP-SUP2- 'Darcy Oake's Dove Illusions - Britain's Got Talent 2014'
         PENIS3 file  - 'Penis Research'
......................- 'The "First" Wive's Penis Names'
......................- 'Englishman Shoots Self In Groin'
         PHONE file   - 'Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call' - Video
         PIG file     - 'Going To Jail Over Pig Toys'
.........PLANE-SUPP2  - 'Cheap Flights With Subtitles' - Video
.........POLITICAL2   - 'Winston Churchill Quotes And Facts'
         POLISH file  - 'Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
......................- 'British, American, And Pollack In Burning Building'
.........POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush Meets The Queen'
......................- 'The Presidential Test'
         PREGNANT file- 'British Child Support Forms'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Brit, French And Russian View Painting'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy'
......................- 'Going To College In England'
......................- 'The Story Of Scotland'
         SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists f/Three Countries Dig'
         SHIP-SUPP    - 'Paul Harvey's Story About A Barn' - Video
         SKIING file  - 'Eddie The Eagle' - Movie Trailer
         SOLDIER file - 'The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'British vs French Uniforms'
......................- 'British Forces Test Fire Weapons'
         WEDDING-SUPP - 'British Wedding Photographer' - Video

============================================================Top
Subj:     Queen Elizabeth WWII Mechanic (S935)
          From: tom on 12/3/2014
 Source1: http://all-that-is-interesting.com/
..........queen-elizabeth-ii-mechanic-photo
 Source2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II
.
..........
.
..........In February 1945, Elizabeth II joined the Women's
..........Auxiliary Territorial Service, as an honorary 
..........Second Subaltern with the service number of 230873.
..........She trained as a driver and mechanic, drove a
..........military truck, and was promoted to honorary
..........Junior Commander five months later.  She is the
..........last surviving head of state who served in uniform
..........during the Second World War.
.
.
Top
Subj:     The T-Mobile Royal Wedding (S741d)
          From: T-Mobile on 4/16/2011
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Kav0FEhtLug

 T-Mobile's Royal Wedding Dance celebrates the marriage of
 William and Kate with the help of a host of royal look
 alikes and music from East 17!  Click 'HERE' to see this
 very cute, festive video.

Top
Subj:     Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch
          From: Wimp.com on 3/23/2011 (S742d)
 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/namesir/
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/hNoS2BU6bbQ

 Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie perform a hilarious short
 comedy sketch in a police station.  A man making a
 statement has a surname that is pretty hard to pronounce!
 Watch this classic moment from the ground-breaking comedy
 sketch show 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' for free with BBC
 Worldwide.  Click 'HERE' to see this very cute comedy
 sketch from Hugh Laurie's early days on British TV.

Top
Subj:     The London Eye (S729d)
          From: darrellvip on 1/3/2011
..........At: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/London_Eye

 The Merlin Entertainments London Eye (commonly the London
 Eye, or Millennium Wheel, formerly the British Airways
 London Eye) is a giant 135-metre (443 ft) tall Ferris wheel
 situated on the banks of the River Thames in the British capital.

 It is the tallest Ferris wheel in Europe, and the most popular
 paid tourist attraction in the United Kingdom, visited by over
 3.5 million people annually.  When erected in 1999, it was the
 tallest Ferris wheel in the world.
. .
Subj:     A Look from the London Eye 
  Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rVg2XVeUIFM

  Click 'HERE' for a video view of a trip around

  London's famous sightseeing platform.
.
...
Subj:     London Fireworks on New Year's Day 2010 (S830)
  Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/zdU-YUSzkUI

  Click 'HERE' for a video of London's spectacular

  midnight fireworks display, welcoming in 2010.
.
...
Subj:     London's Eye In A PowerPoint Show
  Source: http://www.landiss.com/share/Scenics_Cute/LondonEye.pps

  Click 'HERE' for a great PowerPoint tour

  and explanation of the Eye.
.
Top
Subj:     Elderly Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-06-01

 An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
 admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
 spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over
 his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze
 spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and
 continued to watch, remembering good times.

 Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!
 Ze  woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as
 he could  to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.  He
 came, out of  breath, to the police station and shouted,
 "Jean...Jean zere is  zis man, zis woman ... naked in
 farmer Gaston's field making love."

 The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you
 are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze
 air,  ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

 "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
 Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of
 the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
 confirmed  Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-
 stop to call  the doctor:  "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
 Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple
 naked 'aving sex "

 To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science.  You
 must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!
 Zis is very natural."  Jean, still out of breath, grasped in
 reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

 Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black
 medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and
 other  tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down
 to Gaston's field.  After carefully examining the participants
 he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at
 the station.  He got there, went inside, smiled patiently,
 and said,  "Ah, mes amis, do not worry.  Ze woman, she is not
 dead, she is British"

Top
Subj:     Hollie Steel On Britain's Got Talent
          From: darrellvip on 12/4/2009 (S673d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/bOeWz2k4tTI

 Britain's Got Talent - Show 3: 10-year-old Hollie looks
 like any other little girl wanting to be a ballerina...
 that is until she opens her mouth and you hear Julie Andrews.

 Click 'HERE' to listen to this extraordinary voice.

Top
Subj:     A Well Planned Retirement!!! (S652b)
          From: darrellvip on 7/6/2009
          From The London Times: May 15, 2009
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp

 Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot
 for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.  It was manned by
 a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging
 cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches were charged at £5
 (about $7).

 This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
 years.  Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for
 work.

 "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone
 up the City Council and get them to send a new parking
 attendant..."  "No", said the Council, when contacted, "....
 that parking lot is totally your responsibility."  "No, it
 isn't", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the parking attendant
 was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"  "NO!  He was
 NOT" insisted the Council.

 So, sitting in his lovely villa somewhere on the South Coast
 of Spain, is a happy bloke who had been taking the parking
 lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol
 Zoo for the last 25 years.

 Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6
 million ($7 million)!  And no one even knows his name!!

 »¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«

 This great story is just an Urban Legend according to
 Snopes.com at http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp

Top
Subj:     Susan Boyle On Britains Got Talent (S640d)
          From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 4/15/2009
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/RxPZh4AnWyk

 Watch the shots of the audience as this woman, Susan Boyle,
 is introduced.  Her physical appearance and somewhat awkward
 responses got reactions from the judges and members of the
 audience that should make us all rethink the next time we
 prejudge anyone on first appearances.  Click 'HERE' to see
 the outcome!

Top
Subj:     Prince Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2005

 Prince Charles is having a shower. Although he is in a
 loving relationship he occasionally feels the need to empty
 his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just
 as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a
 picture of the Royal seed flying through the air.

 "Hold on a minute" says the Prince. "You can't do that.
 You'll destroy the reputation of the Monarchy. And my
 mother will have another fit!"

 "This picture is my lottery win" says the photographer.
 "I'll be financially secure for life."

 So the Prince offers to buy the camera off the photographer,
 and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a
 figure of two million quid.

 The Prince then dries himself off, and heads off with his
 new Camera.

 He meets one of his many housekeepers, who spots the camera.

 "That looks like a really good camera, Charles" she says,
 "how much did it cost you?"

 "Two million quid" replies Charles.

 "TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have
 seen you coming..."

Top
(S684)
     by John Graziano on 2/23/2010
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2010/02/23
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Top
Subj:     Earthquake in Albania (S360)
          From: thejokelibrary.com on 12/26/03

 A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has
 hit Albania this morning.  350,000 Albanians are missing,
 and over a million have been reported injured.  The country
 is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
 start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock.

 Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
 The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
 France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
 Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
 The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.

Top
Subj:     Paul Potts Sings Opera (S550d)
          From: samhutkins on 8/5/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/1k08yxu57NA

 Paul Potts, a mobile phone salesman from South Wales,
 sings Nessun dorma on UK talent show "Britain's got
 Talent" featuring Simon Cowell as a judge.  You can
 view it 'HERE' to hear this amazing singer.

Top
Subj:     British Soldiers Return From Falkland (608b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-01
      and From: ron33333 on 9/4/2008

 A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for
 their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

 Upon returning to England from the South American island,
 three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle
 were summoned to the General's office.  "Since we weren't
 actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any
 medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your
 efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let
 each of you choose two points on your body.  You will be
 given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between
 those parts.  We'll start on the left, boys,  so what'll it
 be?"

 Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
 General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to
 140 pounds"

 Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstreched hand to
 the tip of the other, sir!"
 General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to
 144 pounds"

 Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
 General: "That's a strange request, but drop trou, son!

 As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where
 are your balls?"
 Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

Top
Subj:     The British Dry Cleaners (S477b,dwmv)
          From: darrell94590
          on 3/7/2006 (in Other-Occup)
 At http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/s_to_z/z_oth-cleaners.wmv

 A cute British film.  You can view this WMV vide on my
 site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     American Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
          From: woneye on 8/4/2003

 An American tourist in London found himself needing to take
 a leak something terrible.  After a long search he just
 couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself.  So
 he went down one of the side streets to take care of
 business.  Just as he was unzipping, a London police
 officer showed up.

 "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

 "I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

 "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

 The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
 grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
 policeman, "whiz away."

 The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
 pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief.  Then turning
 toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you.  Is this
 British courtesy?"

 "No," said the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Top
Subj:     The British Speak About Election 2000 (S198, DU)
          From: rlr29 on 11/16/2000

 To the citizens of the United States of America,

 In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA
 and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
 revocation of your independence, effective today.

 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
 duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
 Except Utah, which she does not fancy.  Your new prime minister
 (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
 until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
 will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
 elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A
 questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
 any of you noticed.

 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
 following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
 Dictionary.  Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronun-
 ciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
 have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise your
 vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary".  Using
 the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
 such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
 form of communication.  Look up "interspersed".

 2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft
 know on your behalf.

 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
 accents.  It really isn't that hard.

 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
 actors as the good guys.

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
 The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would
 not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only
 one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football"
 is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that
 there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
 one else plays "American" football.  You will no longer be
 allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
 Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It
 is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time,
 be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "foot-
 ball", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We
 are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
 by 2005.

 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
 weapons if they give you any merde.  The 97.85% of you who
 were not aware that there is a world outside your borders
 should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been
 the bad guys.  "Merde" is French for "shit".

 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will
 be a new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be
 called "Indecisive Day".

 9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it
 is for your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will
 understand what we mean.

 10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

 Thank you for your cooperation.

Top
Subj:     The Red Sparrows (S665b,d)
          From: rfslick on 10/1/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/f_lXqMmevog

 The Red Sparrows is a bunch of English Firemen in little
 planes performing death defying stunts with less than
 realistic props, what a laugh!  Click 'HERE' to see
 this cute, strange video.

Top
Subj:     The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-03-17

 The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
 beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
 The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth
 "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person
 in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

 The Pope says "No way.  You can't do that."  The Queen
 says, "Watch this".  So the Queen waves her hand and
 every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving
 their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
 basically going ballistic.

 So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I
 going to do?  I never thought she'd be able to do it."

 So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns
 to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH
 person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the
 rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

 The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

 So the Pope headbutts her.

Top
Subj:     Royalty On Safari (S27, DU)
          From: ipkis 97-07-24

 Queen Elizabeth and Princess Diana were on an African safari.
 While riding in a Range Rover, they were ambushed by a group
 of bandits.

 Being well-read thugs, they immediately recognized the royal
 ladies. "I know you," the bandit chief said to the Queen,
 "You're the richest woman in the world.  Hand over all your
 money and be quick about it."

 "I am terrible sorry," Her Majesty replied.  "It is true that
 I am very wealthy, but I never carry cash on my person.  You
 can search me if you like, but I have nothing to give you."

 Frustrated, the robber turned to the Princess.  "You never
 go anywhere without dripping with jewelry," he growled.
 "Hand over all the jewelry before I kill you both."

 "I am so sorry," said Her Highness, "But this is a safari.
 It would have been in dreadful taste for me to wear any
 jewels.  You can search me also, but I have nothing to
 give you either."

 Growling with frustration and rage, the bandit chief
 ordered them out of the Rover, loaded it up with his
 men, and drove off in cloud of dust.  After a little
 while, Princess Diana turned to the Queen by the side
 of the road and said, "By the way, I happen to know that
 you always carry a large sum of money with you.  How did
 you save it?"

 Primly, Queen Elizabeth replied, "Well, I saw the
 miscreants ahead on the road, and took the opportunity
 to hid my money in... ahem... a woman's private place,
 you know." Reaching down she pulled out a roll of
 banknotes.

 The Queen continued, "But what about you, my dear?  With
 my own eyes I saw the diamond set you had on this morning.
 How did you happen to save it?"

 Blushing a little, Diana confessed "Well, I too saw the
 robbers lying in wait, and had enough warning to hide my
 jewelry in ...umm ... a woman's private place."  Reaching
 down, she pulled out a handful of sparkling gemstones,
 and fastened them back in place.

 The two ladies stood in silence for a few moments.  Then
 the Queen remarked, "Pity Fergie isn't here.  We might
 have saved the Rover."

Top
Subj:     Britains Got Talent Striptease (S665d) 
          From: tom on 10/4/2009
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/76wj1VY0mQw

 This striptease on Britains Got Talent is very funny.
 Click 'HERE' to see cute routine.

Top
Subj:     Why British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
          From: Anaise on 98-08-13

 In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian
 John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are
 superior to Americans:

 1. They speak English.
 2. When they host a world championship they invite other
    countries.
 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go
    down on one knee.

Top
Subj:     Granny Stops Car Thieves (S699d)
          From: tom on 6/4/2010 (in Cars2)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Q1wrCR_Gq0g

 This British ad for free eye tests at St. Johns Eye
 Care Center is a very cute video.  Click 'HERE'
 to see this great ad.

Top
Subj:     Learning English In England (S388b)
          From: jerry on 6/21/2004

 If any of you Americans believe you might be heading out to
 the "other side of the big pond" sometime, i.e., to England,
 you may want to bone up on a few unfamiliar phrases for if
 you don't and perchance you arrive at the airport without
 your bags arriving with you and you are told to go to the
 "left luggage room" you may find yourself walking up and
 down the same corridor looking for a room called the "luggage
 room" that is supposed to be on your left and feeling awfully
 frustrated.  The "left luggage room" is what we call the
 "Lost and Found."  Oh, and never ask someone where the nearest
 subway is because the subway is not the underground train
 system but something beneath a pedestrian overpass.

 So here's the key to communicating with a Brit:

sleeping room=bedsitter
truck=lorry
big truck (tractor/trailer)=articulated lorry
vacation=holiday
holiday= [I dunno]
cookies=biscuits
biscuits=[I dunno]
crackers=crispbread
waiting in line=queuing
private hospital=nursing home
nursing home=[I dunno]
whole wheat=wholemeal
oatmeal=porridge
french fries or freedom fries = chips
chips=potato crisps
hard candies=boiled sweets
divided highway=dual carriageway
barricade=crush barrier
cashier=cashpoint
camping trailer=caravan
caravan=[I dunno]
trailer park=caravan park
Archie Bunker=Alf Garnett
baked potato=jacket potato
rummage sale=jumble sale
tear gas=CS gas
LP gas=Calor gas
Loudspeaker=tannoy

Top
Subj:     Learning English In England-Supp (S388b)
          From: jerry on 6/29/2004

 My boyfriend was visiting the other side of the big pond
 during a stint back in the 70's for the USAF, he was
 awakened very early after a particularly long night out by
 a beautiful 'chesty' girl who told him, in a perfect
 English accent "I knocked you up to tell you that you have
 t*its in your milk".

 He was so confused until he realized that the milk delivery
 had been left on the stoop and the milk had been invaded by
 little sparrow like birds (t*its) and that being knocked up,
 in England, is akin to having your door being knocked on and
 woken up in East Texas!!

 --Donna Jackson

Top
(S628b)
     by John Graziano on 1/20/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/01/20
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Subj:     Short Englishman Jokes

Top
Subj:     Church Signs In England (S679b)
          From: samhutkins on 1/18/2010 (in Signs-Supp)
 The English have always had away with words!  Click
 'HERE' to see fourteen, funny, English church signs.
 

Top
Subj:     One Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents (S673b)
          From: Wimp.com on 12/1/2009
 Source: (Removed from dump.com)
 This set of pictures of Queen Elisabeth and eleven
 U.S.Presidents is quite nice.  Click 'HERE' to see it.
 

Top
Subj:     The Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
          From: tom on 9/8/2008
 You can view this cute photo of the Queen of England
 posing with a set of soldiers by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     European Heaven And Hell (S129, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
 Euro-Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are
 French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's
 all organized by the Swiss.

 Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
 French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all
 organized by the Italians.
 

Top
Subj:     Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault' (S602)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward@yahoogroups.com
          on 7/24/2008
 Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1036728
........./Photographing-thugs-assault-police-tell-householder-
.........snapping-proof-anti-social-behaviour.html?ITO=1490#
 A UK man, harassed for months by rock throwing youths,
 takes a picture of his tormentors.  Police arrive to warn
 him that taking pictures of teens is considered "assault".
 You can read this bizarre story by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     An American In London (S129, S494c)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
 An American was waiting on a London street corner.  An
 attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind
 blew her dress above her waist.

 "A bit airy..." remarked the American.

 Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell
 yes!  What did you expect - feathers?!"
 

Top
Subj:     Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/27/2006
 This web page contains nine pictures of Moslems who
 marched throughout the streets of London during their
 recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration".  Please take
 a minute to read the signs.  Click 'HERE' to view.
 

 Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the
 Church of England.

 Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They
 were seventh cousins.

 Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
 same airplane just in case there is a crash.

 In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was
 burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

 Where was Winston Churchill born? (bonus question: during
 what event?)
 Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

 Margaret Thatcher is out dining with her cabinet.
 The waiter says, "What will you have?"
 Thatcher says, "I'll have lamb."
 "And the vegetables?"
 "They can order for themselves."

 In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

 Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but
 only in tropical fish stores.  (of course!!)
 

From: RFSlick on 98-02-15
 On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
 telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
 compartment.  "You English are too stuffy.  You set
 yourselves apart too much.  Look at me...in me, I have
 Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and
 some Swedish blood.
 What do you say to that?"
 The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day for 03 Mar 98
 The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the
 Royal Stables when a stallion farted very loudly.
 "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."
 "That's okay" said the archbishop, "I thought it was
 the horse."

Seen in a gents room in London recently:
   "Doctor, I think my wife's dead."
   "Oh, really?  What makes you think that?"
   "Well, the sex is great, but my dirty washing's piling up."

From: ossama on 98-12-01
 "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
 someone in the Royal family fucked someone in the Royal
 family?"  -- Robin Williams

From: janeenmarie on 7/3/2006 (S492b)
 "The greatest good you can do for another is not just
  to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."
    -- Benjamin Disraeli 1804-1881, Former British Prime Minister

From: Michael Cain on The Tonight Show (S638b)
 An English bobby came home from work early and found
 his wife in bed with three men.  He looked down and
 said "Hello, hello, hello."
 His wife looked up indignantly and said "Aren't you
 going to say 'Hello' to me too."

 Q: What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when
    she wakes up after a night of lovemaking?
 A: "Get off!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 on 98-04-15
 Q: Why is there so little call for appendectomies in Britain?
 A: The British have a fondness for useless appendages.

From: tnkr on 3/2/2002 (S266)
 Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?
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 A: Princess Margaret
 

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