(Includes 73 jokes and articles, 09795,5,cf)
Irish flaf from
Subj: Shawn And Paddy Make A Death Pact (S757)
From: email@example.com on 7/3/2011
There once were two Irishmen,
named Shawn and Paddy, who
were the best of friends. During one particular night of
revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other
would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine,
Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and
recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn
would be the first to
pass. Paddy, hearing of his friend's illness, came to
visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Paddy,
"can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Paddy started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Paddy," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that
I was to pour the contents
of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we
have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Paddy.
"Yes Paddy, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Paddy.
"And what are you gettin' at Paddy?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the
whiskey over your grave,
would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
No One As Irish As Barack OBama (S621)
Written by Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/20/2008
A SONG trumpeting US president-elect
ancestral Irish roots has become a surprise hit on the
YouTube video-sharing website. "There's no one as Irish
as Barack Obama," has had more than 600,000 hits on YouTube,
many added since the Democrat became the first black
candidate to be voted US president last week.
The song, which creatively rhymes
Obama with O'Hara, is
the work of Irish band Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys from
Limerick in south-west Ireland who describe themselves as
"a rag taggle bunch of dropouts and misfits".
You can hear this wonderful song
at the above source, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Above comments are from News.com
Barack Obama is IRISH! (S621)
Written by Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys
From: YouTube on 12/1/2008
Permission to add additional
verses given to Shay Black by
the Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys. The added verses are
wonderful and now the song is longer.
You can hear this longer, excellent
song at the above
source, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Drunk Irishman Staggers Home (S529b)
From: allenbergman on 3/9/2007
Flynn staggered home very late
after another evening with
his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid
waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could
toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung
up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt
cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find
a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty
Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up
with searing pain in both
his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could
be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it
could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Subj: Paddy's Lorry Is Stuck On A Bridge (S426, S605)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/17/2005
Paddy was driving his lorry when
he saw a bridge with a
sign saying 10 foot max. clearance. He slowed down wondering
if he could drive under it or not. “A shure I'll give it a
go”, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck under-
neath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of
tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time
later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened,
“what do you think you are doing?”, asked the policeman in a
sharp tone, “Sure I'm having me tea break”, replied Paddy,
“And what do you work at?” asked the policeman, “Agh shure
I deliver bridges”, smiled Paddy!
Irish Women Never Say "Yes" Or "No" (S742)
My friend Sharon is Irish.
No matter how hard I try
to trick her, she stubbornly refuses to say yes or no.
(We made this in one take as Sharon wanted to throw up).
Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this cute video.
Subj: Three English Taunt An Irish (S317b, S600b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/18/2003
An Irish man is sittin in a pub
one night when 3 Englishmen
walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how
they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch
this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says,
"Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
The Irishman just replies, "Oh,
is that so now?" The
Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his
friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he
goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your
St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only
replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman,
frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
When the 3rd Englishman jumps
up and says, "Well, now, I
gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the
Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were
Subj: Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded (S286b, S692b)
From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
and From: CKButch4Femme on 4/22/2010
(Also see 'Redneck Calls FBI About Marijuana' in REDNECK3
and see 'The Lettuce Patch' in PRISON)
An old man lived alone in Ireland.
He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,
who would have helped him, was in Long Prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a
dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another
note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant
your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do at this time."
Subj: Irish Girl Brings Money Home For Mom (S450)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/28/2005
A young girl from Donegal leaves
home to find work among
the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months
later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink
"Begorrah, Coleen," says her
mother. "Tis a lovely soft
coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I
won it at the bingo. Don't
they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen
returns to the bright
lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months
later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's
wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond
Same exchange with Mom............same
"Won it at bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back
again. And this time
she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace
with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her
mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in
bingo. Then she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she
need to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while
Colleen gets undressed in
her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's
only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen,
a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot
water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,
"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's
only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin"
replies her Mom. "But we
don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Subj: Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents (S269d, S644c)
From: thebartend on 3/26/2002
and From: gattica30 on 5/11/2009
An Irish girl went to London
to work as a secretary and
began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After
a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as
her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home
in a Rolls Royce and
stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into
the house her father said 'Hmmm they seem to be paying
secretaries awfully well in London.'
The girl took his hands and said
'Dad - I've been meaning
to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put
it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've
become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand
on his heart and keeled
over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly
lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest
was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme
Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing,
the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my
own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me; his daughter
sobbed, "I only wanted to
have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money
and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the
old man sat bolt upright in
bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close
one - I thought you said Protestant."
Subj: Irish Toast Masters' Club (S265c, S795)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 2/25/2002
and From: kgilmour2000 on 4/8/2012
(Also see 'Minister Gives A Talk About Sex' in Preacher)
John O'Riley was a member of
an Irish Toast Masters' Club.
One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a
contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest with the following verse:
"Here's to the best years o'
me life, spent between the legs
me wife." When John O'Riley arrived home, his beautiful
wife asked him how the Toast Masters' meeting went and he
said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what
his toast was, and he said,
"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi'
His wife then said, "Why John,
that's so nice of you to
include me in your toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley
was downtown shopping and
ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at
the Toast Masters meeting with her husband. He said,
"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your
husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.
He won first prize."
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs.
O'Riley, "but he wasn't
quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice,
the first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had
to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Subj: Saddam And Paddy (S200, S585b)
From: BartendJOTD-owner on 11/29/2000
and From: AFine963 on 4/7/2008
Saddam Hussein was sitting in
his office wondering whom
to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily
accented voice said. "This
is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied,
"this is indeed important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said
Paddy after a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next
door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from
the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you
Paddy that I have a million
men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy
rang back. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters,
a bulldozer and
Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I
have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured
personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two
million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again
the next day. "Right Mr.
Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call
off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said
Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've had
a look at the Geneva Convention,
all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million
Subj: Paddy's Fingers (S665b)
From: ginafm on 10/7/2009
Paddy was working at the fish
plant in Cork when he
accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went
to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and
said, 'Lets be avin' da
fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got
da fingers? Lord
Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery
and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have
put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya
bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
Subj: Irish Toasts And Blessings (S163, S574)
From: smiles on 3/16/00
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.
Used at Patricia Maureen Duvall's
on June 5,2002 (S279)
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!
May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.
Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.
May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.
May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!
May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.
May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Here's to your coffin!
May your coffin have six handles of finest silver!
May your coffin be carried by six fair young maids!
And may your coffin be made of finest wood
from a 100-year-old tree,
that I'll go plant tomorrow!
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/11/08 (S576b)
"May you never forget what is worth remembering,
nor ever remember what is best forgotten."
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/23/10 (S684b)
"May your troubles be less,
your blessings more
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door."
Friendship Wish (S320, S574)
From: RFSlick on 3/17/2003
May there always be work for
your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Irish Puns from the Stan Kegel collection:
The Deaf Mule
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked,
bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but
was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled,
"Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing. Asked how
the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There
was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here
was me singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid,
they've heard nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"
Their constant conflicts must
some day lead the Irish to
see.... the Eire of their ways.
Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with
her husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist
hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled
to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the
next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier
on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was
beginning to fade. Not having anything scheduled after
lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a
secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit.
Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high
attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than
at sea level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke,
feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she
limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the
damages and the prospects for the morrow. After one look
he delivered his verdict:
...."Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."
The Irish .... An English-piquing people.
An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete
his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member
of a very unusual species called the Rarie. The animal
looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom.
However, the collector did not know much about this
creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew.
As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at
an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be
enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too soon, the
size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount
of food consumed was straining the collector's budget.
Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in
a dump truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea
that he would drop it over the edge. Just as the collector
was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the
animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked,
"Whatcha gonna do now?" The collector explained how he
could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping it
over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such
an expensive liability.
The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its
eye, it said, .... "It's a long way to tip a Rarie."
During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag
15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On
this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant
Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the
bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the
siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We
were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German
replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell ....
when Irish spies are filing."
Editor's Note: Be Irish for a day.
I raise my glass and toast thee...
May the saddest day of
your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.
Subj: Irish Toast From County Cork (S386, S604)
From: Pat Mahar on June 25,2004
An Irish Toast from Skibbereen, County Cork, Ireland
Here's to the best years of my life,
Spent in the arms of another man's wife,
Subj: St. Patrick's Day Quotes
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/15/2002
Here are some quotes to share for this glorious day!
"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted
a day to begin transforming
winter's dreams into summer's magic."
~~By Adrienne Cook.~~
"Ireland is rich in literature
that understands a soul's yearnings,
and dancing that understands a happy heart."
~~By Margaret Jackson.~~
"Only Irish coffee provides in
a single glass
all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
~~By Alex Levine.~~
"Maybe it's bred in the bone,
but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven
to some of us."
~~By Nancy O'Keeefe.~~
"In Ireland the inevitable never
and the unexpected constantly occurs."
~~By Sir John Pentland Mahaffy.~~
Subj: Short Irish Jokes
Subj: U2 Concert In Ireland (S542c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2007
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks
the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly
clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total
silence, he says into the
microphone "I want you to think about something. Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the
audience yells out....
"Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"
Gotta Love the Irish
Irish Yoga (S511b)
Subj: Irish Reads His Own Obituary (466b)
From: DoctorDebt on 12/26/2005
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly
phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?"
asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it! !" replied Finney.
"Where are ye callin' from?"
Subj: Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud (S319b, DU)
(Also see 'Potatoes' in Word Jokes2
and See 'Tater People' in Jobs-Supp)
"One time an Irish potatoe came to America. He married an
Idaho Potatoe. They had a little child. When the baby
grew up his dad ask him "what he wanted to be". He told
his father a "sports announcer." His father told him, he
did not want to be a sports announcer. He son ask him
"why not?" His father replied "Son you'd just be a COMMON
Irish Weather Forecasting Stone (S510)
Subj: Irish Prayer (S319, S608)
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
From: janeenmarie on 3/9/2003
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in
his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let
it be blood!!"
Subj: Irish Looses Luggage In Airport (S319, S606b)
From: janeenmarie on 3/9/2003
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Subj: Two Irish At Bar (S164, S609b)
From: collins2 on 3/22/00
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick
bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this
town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
Subj: Two Irish At The Sawmill (S164, DU)
From: collins on 3/22/00
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just
before the morning break, Pat yelled, "Mick, I've lost me
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning
thing here like this...damn! There goes another one!"
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day
on 07/05/97 (518c)
Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had
been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As
they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and
across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it
up and held it for Mick to see.
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance,
but Murphy was taller than that."
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish
invented them and gave them
to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes,
but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants
in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
From: Tom_Adams on 3/24/99
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/13/2002 (S263
Need teaches a plan. -- Irish Proverb
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/20/2005
The most beautiful music of all is the music of
what happens. -- Irish proverb
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/4/2007
(S537b in Slogans)
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best,
but his mother the longest. -- Irish Proverb
(For clarification, a knacker
is an Irish term for an itinerant)
Q: How do you tell a knacker woman is having a period?
A: She's only got one sock on.
Q: Did you hear about the two
A: William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam
Q: Did you hear about the queer
A: He preferred women to wiskey.
Q: What do you call an Irish
A: A gaelic.
Q: What's an Irish seven-course
A: A potato and a six pack.
Q: How do you scare an Irish
A: Stand behind him and go "Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock"
Q: What's Irish and stays out
A: Paddy 'O Furniture. -- Mike Webb
From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
Q: What is the difference between an irish wedding
and an irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134, S322b)
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
From: kgilmour2000 on 3/13/2012 (S792)
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
A: They were riverdancing.
.........................Smiley does Irish Dancing from Smiley_Central