Subj:     Irish2 Jokes
                 (Includes 76 jokes and articles, 14 1104,7,cL4f,vXT3a7a,7)

Irish flaf from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Irish Weather Forecasting Stone (S510)
.........................Puddle Fishing (S996)
.........................Shawn And Paddy Make A Death Pact (S757)
.........................Darby O' Gill Fiddles - Video (S1104)
.........................Drunk Irishman Staggers Home (S529b)
.........................Paddy's Lorry Is Stuck On A Bridge (S426, S605)
.........................No One As Irish As Barack OBama - Video/Song (S621)
.........................Barack Obama is IRISH! - Video/Song (S621)
.........................Three English Taunt An Irish (S317b, S600b)
.........................Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded (S286b, S692b)
.........................Irish Women Never Say "Yes" Or "No" - Video (S742)
.........................Irish Girl Brings Money Home For Mom (S450)
.........................Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents (S269d, S644c)
.........................Irish Toast Masters' Club (S265c, S795)
.........................Saddam And Paddy (S200, S585b)
.........................Paddy's Fingers (S665b)
.........................Irish Toasts And Blessings (S163, S574)
..............................Irish Toast From County Cork (S386, S604)
.........................St. Patrick's Day Quotes
                         Short Irish Jokes
..............................Irish Philosophy Sign (S876)
..............................U2 Concert In Ireland (S542c)
..............................Irish Yoga (S511b)
..............................Irish Reads His Own Obituary (466b)
..............................Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud (S319b, DU)
..............................Irish Prayer (S319, S608)
..............................Irish Looses Luggage In Airport (S319, S606b)
..............................Two Irish A Bar (S164, S609b)
..............................Two Irish At The Sawmill (S164, DU)

Subj:     Irish Weather Forecasting Stone (S510)
          From: grs in 2006
Subj:     Puddle Fishing (S996)
          From carfal in 2016
 Source: www.nrhatch.wordpress.com/2016/01/02/puddle-fishing/

 It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front
 of the little Irish pub.  An old man sat beside the puddle
 holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up
 and down in the water.

 A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

 "Puddle fishing," replied the old man.

 "Poor old fool," thought the gentleman, so he invited the
 old man to have a drink in the pub.

 Feeling he should start some conversation while they were
 sipping their pints, the gentleman asked :

 "And how many have you caught today?"

 "You're the seventh."
Subj:     Shawn And Paddy Make A Death Pact (S757)
          From: ezines@arcamax.com in 2011

 There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Paddy, who
 were the best of friends.  During one particular night of
 revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other
 would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine,
 Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and
 recently dead friend.

 And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to
 pass.  Paddy, hearing of his friend's illness, came to
 visit his dear friend one last time.  "Shawn," said Paddy,
 "can you hear me?"

 Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

 Bashfully, Paddy started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

 "Yes, I do Paddy," Shawn strained.

 "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents
 of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we
 have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Paddy.

 "Yes Paddy, I do," whispered Shawn.

 "It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Paddy.

 "And what are you gettin' at Paddy?" asked Shawn, briskly.

 "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave,
 would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Subj:     Darby O' Gill Fiddles (S1104)
          From: The Irish Post
..........on 3/14/2018 (d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/uIT_ov0lOXo
 Click 'HERE' to see the full fiddle scene from the 
 1959 movie Darby O'Gill and the Little People.
Subj:     Drunk Irishman Staggers Home (S529b)
          From: allenbergman in 2007

 Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with
 his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid
 waking his wife, Mary.

 He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
 to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
 As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
 swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey
 bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
 especially painful.

 Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his
 pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt
 cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find
 a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
 best he could on each place he saw blood.

 He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
 and stumbled his way to bed.

 In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both
 his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the

 She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

 Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

 "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it
 could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it
 could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
 it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
 those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Subj:     Paddy's Lorry Is Stuck On A Bridge (S426, S605)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2005

 Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a
 sign saying 10 foot max. clearance.  He slowed down wondering
 if he could drive under it or not.  "A shure I'll give it a
 go", he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck under-
 neath it.  Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of
 tea and lit a cigarette.  A policeman arrived a short time
 later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened,
 "what do you think you are doing?", asked the policeman in a
 sharp tone, "Sure I'm having me tea break", replied Paddy,
 "And what do you work at?" asked the policeman, "Agh shure
 I deliver bridges", smiled Paddy!

Subj:     No One As Irish As Barack OBama
          Written by Hardy Drew
.............and the Nancy Boys
..........in 2008 (S621d-iFrame)
 Source: www.lifeisajoke.com/videos66_no_

 A SONG trumpeting US president-elect Barack Obama's
 ancestral Irish roots has become a surprise hit on the
 YouTube video-sharing website.  "There's no one as Irish
 as Barack Obama," has had more than 600,000 hits on YouTube,
 many added since the Democrat became the first black
 candidate to be voted US president last week.

 The song, which creatively rhymes Obama with O'Hara, is
 the work of Irish band Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys from
 Limerick in south-west Ireland who describe themselves as
 "a rag taggle bunch of dropouts and misfits".

 You can hear this wonderful song by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Barack Obama is IRISH!
          Written by Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys
          in 2008 (S621d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/EADUQWKoVek

 Permission to add additional verses given to Shay Black by
 the Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys.  The added verses are
 wonderful and now the song is longer.

 You can hear this longer, excellent song by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Three English Taunt An Irish (S317b, S600b)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003

 An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen
 walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how
 they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch
 this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says,
 "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

 The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The
 Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his
 friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he
 goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your
 St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only
 replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman,
 frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

 When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I
 gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says,
 "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the
 Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were

Subj:     Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded (S286b, S692b)
          From: coreymac in 2002

 (Also see 'The Lettuce Patch' in PRISON)

 An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his
 potato garden, but it was very hard work.  His only son,
 who would have helped him, was in Long Prison.  The old
 man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

 Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
 don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

 At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
 up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

 Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
 him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

 His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
 best I could do at this time."

Subj:     Irish Women Never
.............Say "Yes" Or "No"
..........in 2011 (S742d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/hcepgXwWbjI

 My friend Sharon is Irish.  No matter how hard I try
 to trick her, she stubbornly refuses to say yes or no.
 (We made this in one take as Sharon wanted to throw up).
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.

Subj:     Irish Girl Brings Money Home For Mom (S450)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2005

 A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among
 the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months
 later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink

 "Begorrah, Coleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft
 coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive.  Where did ye
 get that?"

 Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo.  Don't
 they have wonderful prizes in London."

 When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright
 lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months
 later.  This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's
 wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond

 Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"
 Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again.

 A few months later, she's back again.  And this time
 she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace
 with matching bracelet and earrings.  She hands her
 mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in
 bingo.  Then she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she
 need to freshen up.

 Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in
 her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's
 only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.  Colleen,
 a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot
 water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,
 "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath?  There's
 only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

 "Indeed there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we
 don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

Subj:     Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents (S269d, S644c)
          From: gattica30 in 2009

 An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and
 began sending home money and gifts to her parents.  After
 a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as
 her father was getting frail and elderly.

 She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and
 stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.  As she walked into
 the house her father said 'Hmmm they seem to be paying
 secretaries awfully well in London.'

 The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning
 to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put
 it in a letter.  I can't hide it from you any longer. I've
 become a prostitute.'

 Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled
 over.  The doctor was called but the old man had clearly
 lost the will to live.  He was put to bed and the priest
 was called.  As the priest began to administer Extreme
 Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing,
 the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my
 own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

 "Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to
 have nice things!  I wanted to be able to send you money
 and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

 Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in
 bed, smiling.  "Did you say prostitute?  That was a close
 one - I thought you said Protestant."

Subj:     Irish Toast Masters' Club (S265c, S795)
          From: CHRISDADDYG in 2002

 (Also see 'Minister Gives A Talk About Sex' in Preacher)

 John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters' Club.
 One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a
 contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
 Well, John O'Riley won the contest with the following verse:

 "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs
 me wife."  When John O'Riley arrived home, his beautiful
 wife asked him how the Toast Masters' meeting went and he
 said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

 His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
 "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi'
 me wife."

 His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to
 include me in your toast."

 The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and
 ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at
 the Toast Masters meeting with her husband.  He said,
 "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your
 husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.
 He won first prize."

 "Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't
 quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice,
 the first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had
 to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Subj:     Saddam And Paddy (S200, S585b)
          From: AFine963 in 2008

 Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom
 to invade next when his telephone rang.

 "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This
 is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland.  I am ringing to
 inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

 "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important
 news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

 "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's
 calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next
 door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from
 the pub -- that makes eight!"

 Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million
 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 "Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

 Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.
 Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
 some equipment!"

 "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

 "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
 Murphy's tractor from the farm."

 Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
 have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured
 personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two
 million men since we last spoke."

 "Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

 Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.
 Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call
 off the war."

 "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
 change of heart?"

 "Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention,
 all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million

Subj:     Paddy's Fingers (S665b)
          From: ginafm in 2009

 Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
 accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.  He went
 to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

 The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da
 fingers and I'll  see what oi can do'.

 Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord
 Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!  We's got microsurgery
 and all kinds of incredible techniques.  I could have
 put dem back on and made you like new!  Why didn't ya
 bring da fingers?!?'

 And Paddy said, How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Subj:     Irish Toasts And Blessings (S163, S574)
          From: smiles in 2000

          May those who love us love us.
           And those that don't love us,
            May God turn their hearts.
        And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
            May he turn their ankles,
        So we'll know them by their limping.

            May you live as long as you want,
           And never want as long as you live.

             May your glass be ever full.
      May the roof over your head be always strong.
               And may you be in heaven
     half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

               Always remember to forget
              The things that made you sad.
              But never forget to remember
             The things that made you glad.

               Always remember to forget
             The friends that proved untrue.
              But never forget to remember
              Those that have stuck by you.

                Always remember to forget
              The troubles that passed away.
               But never forget to remember
             The blessings that come each day.

       May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

 Used at Patricia Maureen Duvall's funeral
 on June 5,2002 (S279)

                May the road rise to meet you.
             May the wind be always at your back.
            May the sun shine warm upon your face.
             And rains fall soft upon your fields.
                    And until we meet again,
          May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

                    Here's to you and yours
                     And to mine and ours.
                     And if mine and ours
              Ever come across to you and yours,
                 I hope you and yours will do
                  As much for mine and ours
                 As mine and ours have done
                      For you and yours!

             May the roof above us never fall in.
     And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

           Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!

          May you have warm words on a cold evening,
                 A full moon on a dark night,
        And the road downhill all the way to your door.

             May there be a generation of children
               On the children of your children.

              May you live to be a hundred years,
                With one extra year to repent!

               May the Lord keep you in His hand
              And never close His fist too tight.

                May your neighbors respect you,
                     Trouble neglect you,
                    The angels protect you,
                    And heaven accept you.

                When we drink, we get drunk.
              When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
            When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
            When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
          So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

                    Here's to your coffin!
      May your coffin have six handles of finest silver!
     May your coffin be carried by six fair young maids!
         And may your coffin be made of finest wood
                  from a  100-year-old tree,
                 that I'll go plant tomorrow!

From: LABLaughsClean in 2008 (S576b)
 "May you never forget what is worth remembering,
  nor ever remember what is best forgotten."

From: LABLaughsClean in 2010 (S684b)
 "May your troubles be less,
  your blessings more
  and may nothing but happiness
  come through your door."

Subj:     Irish Friendship Wish (S320, S574)
          From: RFSlick in 2003

 May there always be work for your hands to do;
 May your purse always hold a coin or two;
 May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
 May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
 May the hand of a friend always be near you;
 May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Irish Puns from the Stan Kegel collection:
The Deaf Mule
 An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked,
 bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but
 was almost totally deaf.  So, when his owner yelled,
 "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.  Asked how
 the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head.  "There
 was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here
 was me singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid,
 they've heard nothing but ....  my riled Irish whoa's!"

 Their constant conflicts must some day lead the Irish to
 see.... the Eire of their ways.

Irish Countess
 Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with
 her husband, the Count.  They were staying at an Intourist
 hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled
 to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the
 next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier
 on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was
 beginning to fade. Not having anything scheduled after
 lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a
 secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit.
 Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high
 attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than
 at sea level.  Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke,
 feeling rather uncomfortable.  Dressing gingerly, she
 limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the
 damages and the prospects for the morrow.  After one look
 he delivered his verdict:
 ...."Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."

The Irish .... An English-piquing people.

The Rarie
 An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete
 his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member
 of a very unusual species called the Rarie.  The animal
 looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom.
 However, the collector did not know much about this
 creature, especially how much it would grow.  And it grew.
 As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more.  And it grew at
 an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be
 enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged.  All too soon, the
 size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount
 of food consumed was straining the collector's budget.
 Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in
 a dump truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea
 that he would drop it over the edge.  Just as the collector
 was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the
 animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked,
 "Whatcha gonna do now?" The collector explained how he
 could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping it
 over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such
 an expensive liability.
 The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its
 eye, it said, .... "It's a long way to tip a Rarie."

Irish Prisoners
 During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag
 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break.  On
 this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant
 Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the
 bars of the East gate.  They were hard at work when the
 siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.
 As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We
 were so careful.  How did you ever catch us?"  The German
 replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell ....
 when Irish spies are filing."

Editor's Note: Be Irish for a day.  O' kay!
   I raise my glass and toast thee...

   May the saddest day of your future be no worse
         Than the happiest day of your past.

Subj:     Irish Toast From County Cork (S386, S604)
          From: Pat Mahar in 2004

 An Irish Toast from Skibbereen, County Cork, Ireland
 Here's to the best years of my life,
 Spent in the arms of another man's wife,
 My mother.

Subj:     St. Patrick's Day Quotes
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002

 Here are some quotes to share for this glorious day!

 "St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -
 a day to begin transforming
 winter's dreams into summer's magic."
   ~~By Adrienne Cook.~~

 "Ireland is rich in literature
 that understands a soul's yearnings,
 and dancing that understands a happy heart."
   ~~By Margaret Jackson.~~

 "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
 all four essential food groups:
 alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
   ~~By Alex Levine.~~

 "Maybe it's bred in the bone,
 but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven
 to some of us."
   ~~By Nancy O'Keeefe.~~

 "In Ireland the inevitable never happens
 and the unexpected constantly occurs."
   ~~By Sir John Pentland Mahaffy.~~

Subj:     Short Irish Jokes

Subj:     Irish Philosophy Sign
..........From: PubMemorabilia.com
..........in 2013 (S876)
 Source: (Removed from pubmemorabilia.com)

 You can buy this 12x8" metal sign at the
 above source for $39.00.  Click 'HERE'

 to see the sign, and read the Irish Philosophy.

Subj:     U2 Concert In Ireland (S542c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2007
 At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks
 the audience for some quiet.  Then he starts to slowly
 clap his hands.

 Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
 microphone "I want you to think about something.  Every
 time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

 A voice from the front of the audience yells out....
 "Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

 Gotta Love the Irish

Subj:     Irish Yoga
          From: drgolfmd
..........in 2006 (S511b)
 There are two basic types of Yoga.  One requires much
 practice, patience, and discipline - Yoga from India
 and then there's Irish Yoga.  You can view these to
 forms of yoga by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Irish Reads His Own Obituary (466b)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2005
 Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
 to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly
 phoned his best friend Finney.  "Did you see the paper?"
 asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

 "Yes, I saw it! !" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Subj:     Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud (S319b, DU)

  (Also see 'Potatoes' in Word Jokes2
    and See 'Tater People' in Jobs-Supp)
 "One time an Irish potatoe came to America.  He married an
 Idaho Potatoe.  They had a little child.  When the baby
 grew up his dad ask him "what he wanted to be".  He told
 his father a "sports announcer."  His father told him, he
 did not want to be a sports announcer.  He son ask him
 "why not?"  His father replied "Son you'd just be a COMMON

Subj:     Irish Prayer (S319, S608)
          From: janeenmarie in 2003
 Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in
 his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
 Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
 down his leg.

 "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Subj:     Irish Looses Luggage In Airport (S319, S606b)
          From: janeenmarie in 2003
 An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
 around the terminal with tears streaming down his
 cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was
 already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
 lost all me luggage!"
 "How'd that happen?"
 "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Subj:     Two Irish At Bar (S164, S609b)
          From: collins2 in 2000
 Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick
 bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this
 town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
 "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Subj:     Two Irish At The Sawmill (S164, DU)
          From: collins in 2000
 Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.  Just
 before the morning break, Pat yelled, "Mick, I've lost me
 "Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
 Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning
 thing here like  this...damn!  There goes another one!"


From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day in 1997 (518c)
 Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had
 been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As
 they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and
 across the pavement before them.  Paddy stooped, picked it
 up and held it for Mick to see.
 "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
 "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance,
 but Murphy was taller than that."

 Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them
 to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke

From: Daemonic Funnies Page in 1997
 When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
 atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes,
 but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants
 in whom you don't believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp

From: Tom_Adams in 1999
 God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
 -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S263 in Slogans)
 Need teaches a plan.  -- Irish Proverb

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2005 (in Slogans)
 The most beautiful music of all is the music of
 what happens.  -- Irish proverb

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2007 (S537b in Slogans)
 A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best,
 but his mother the longest.  -- Irish Proverb

 (For clarification, a knacker is an Irish term for an itinerant)
 Q: How do you tell a knacker woman is having a period?
 A: She's only got one sock on.

 Q: Did you hear about the two gay Irishman?
 A: William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam

 Q: Did you hear about the queer Irishman?
 A: He preferred women to wiskey.

 Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?
 A: A gaelic.

 Q: What's an Irish seven-course meal.
 A: A potato and a six pack.

 Q: How do you scare an Irish man?
 A: Stand behind him and go "Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock"

 Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
 A: Paddy 'O Furniture.  --  Mike Webb

From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
 Q: What is the difference between an irish wedding
    and an irish funeral?
 A: One less drunk.

From: KMacinty in 1999 (S134, S322b)
 Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
 A: A different bar.

From: kgilmour2000 in 2012 (S792)
 Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
 A: They were riverdancing.

                           -(o o)-
.........................Irish Dancing from Smiley_Central