Subj: JEWISH-Rabbi Jokes
(Includes 15 jokes and articles, 15766,0,cf)
Jewish Rabbi from
Ask A Rabbi.com
Also see BAR-SUPP
- 'Rabbi, Priest, And
Preacher Go Into A Bar'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Handyman Quits Synagogue'
FARNER1 file - 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
ITALIAN file - 'Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
JEWISH1 file - 'When Life Begins'
......................- 'Sons Convert To Christianity'
JEWISH2 file - 'Older Jewish Man Has Young Wife'
......................- 'Dog Goes To Jewish Service'
JEWISH3 file - 'The Taylor' - Movie
PHONE file - 'The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
PRIEST1 file - 'Priest And The Rabbi Hear Confession'
PRIEST2 file - 'Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House'
PRIEST3 file - 'Rabbi, Lawyer, And Priest On A Ship'
......................- 'Short Priest Jokes'
POLISH file - 'Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk'
TAXES file - 'Tax Official Visits Synagogue'
Subj: The Rabbi's Visit (S720)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 11/2/2010
A pious man, who had reached
the age of 105, suddenly stopped
going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after
so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked,
"How come after all these years we don't see you at services
The old man lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered, "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any
day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I
figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me,
and I don't want to remind Him!"
Subj: A Priest And A Rabbi At A Picnic (S602b)
From: tom on 7/24/2008
(See 'Priest And Rabbi On A Train' in this file)
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic
Priest met at the town's
annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their
usual banter. 'This baked ham is really delicious,' the
priest teased the rabbi.
'You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your
religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food
should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.
You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized
Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to
break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest
with a big grin, and said,
'At your wedding.'
Subj: Converting a Bear (S490, S766)
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006
and From: virv on 9/8/2011
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher
and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
in Marquette. They would get together two or three times
a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment
that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all
together to discuss the
Father Flannery, who has his
arm in a sling, is on crutches,
and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him
I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so
I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion and
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, with
an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best
fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you
KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a
bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
But that bear wanted nothing
to do with me. So I took HOLD
of him and we began to wrestle. We wre stled down one hill,
UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became
as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision
may not have been the best way to start."
Subj: Synagogue Parking Problem (S414, S711b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/28/2004
A few years ago, there was a
news story on the radio about a
Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down
the street. Some Jews were unable to find a parking space
in their own parking lot because members of a nearby Baptist
church, which met earlier on Saturday morning for revival
meetings, got there first.
So, the Jewish synagogue had
a problem. What should they do???
Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they
could have patrolled their lot on Saturday mornings. Or they
could have written a letter to the offending church members,
imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't. Instead,
they had bumper stickers printed.
One Saturday morning they stuck
a bumper sticker to every car
in their lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:
"I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !!!"
No more parking lot problems!
Subj: Man Tells Rabbi 'He's being poisoned' (S351)
From: pns on 10/18/2003
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi
asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is
poisoning me." The Rabbi, very
surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling
you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can
find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls
the man and says, "Well, I
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi
replied, "Take the poison."
Subj: Sex...Work Or Play? (S294)
From: thebartend on 9/17/2002
A man wonders if having sex on
the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a
priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the
priest says, "My son, after
an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a
priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and
receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not
for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of
thousands of year's tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi
ponders the question, then states," My son, sex is
The man replies, "Rabbi, how
can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My
son, if sex were work, my
wife would have the maid do it."
Subj: Priest And Rabbi Buy A CAR (S185)
From: RateJoke on 08/15/2000
A priest and a rabbi operated
a church and a synagogue across
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove
it home and parked it on the
street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi
looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so
he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm
blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment,
then went back inside the
synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked
over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the
Subj: Four Rabbis Argue (S94)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
So it seems that these four rabbis
had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know
in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
As soon as the rabbi finished
his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm
right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing
out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh,
God, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of
lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried
the rabbi, but his friends
insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to
ask for a *very big* sign,
but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch
black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned,
The rabbi put his hands on his
hips, turned to the other
three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Subj: Priest, Rabbi, Witchdoctor And A Fly
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
A Priest a Rabbi and a Witchdoctor
are sitting together on
a train. A fly comes and lands on the priest who waves his
arms and shoos it away. So, the fly lands on the Rabbi who
shoos it toward the Witchdoctor. The Witchdoctor follows
it with his eyes for a moment and suddenly reaches out grabs
the fly in his fist and eats it. The other two look on with
disgust but say nothing.
When another fly comes near the
priest he again shoos it
away. Once again the fly comes to the Rabbi, who with one
quick motion reaches into the air, turns to the witchdoctor
and says, "Want to buy a fly?"
Subj: Priest, Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98
There's a priest, a vicar and
a rabbi having a beer
discussing how they decide how much of the weekly service
collection to keep. So, says the priest, I draw a circle
on the floor throw the collection in the air, anyting that
lands in the circle I keep, the rest I give to God.
The vicar says I do the same
thing but I draw a square.
They both turn to the rabbi. Me, I draw a star of David
on the floor throw the money up, what He catches He keeps.
Subj: Rabbi And Priest Have Car Accident (S664b)
From: ft.apache on 9/23/2009
A rabbi and a priest get into
a car accident and it's a
bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly,
neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the
rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest.
I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left
but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God."
God must have meant that we should
meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days." And the
priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a
sign from God. And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here
is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
He handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he
agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all,
put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest.
The priest asked, "Aren't you going to have any?"
The rabbi replied, "No....I think
I'll just wait for the
Subj: Priest And Rabbi On A Train (S231b, S638)
From: mombear1 on 7/2/2001
and From: tom on 3/29/2009
(See 'A Priest And A Rabbi At A Picnic' in this file)
An Irish priest and a rabbi found
themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened
a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion,
you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever
tasted it? "
The rabbi said, "I must tell
the truth. Yes, I have, on
the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your
religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate.
The priest replied, "Yes, I know
what you're going to ask.
I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
The rabbi peeped around the
newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't
Subj: Short Rabbi Jokes
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178 (S277b)
and From: ezines.twistedhumor.com on 5/20/2002
A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they
see a small boy eating an ice cream.
The priest says to the rabbi "Hey, want to screw that kid?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Out
From: GSP4LIFE on 10/25/1999 (S143)
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, "What's this? A joke?"
From: JBCARY1 on 7/16/2002 (S285b)
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
|Another Jewish Smiley from