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Subj:     Jewish1 Jokes
                 (Includes 21 jokes and articles, 10991n,4,cf,wXT4,3)

Passover Greeting
from
Animation Library
Includes the following:  Adam Sandler Sings "The Hanukkah Song" - Video (S934)
.........................Converting To Catholicism And Eating Steak (S561c)
.........................Irena Sendler - Holocaust Heroine (S616)
.........................Three Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom (S72, S473c)
.........................Hebrew Writing (S475c)
.........................A Jew Is Knighted (DU)
.........................The Yo-Yo Diet Guide To The Jewish Holidays (DU)
.........................The Essence Of Chutzpah (S674b)
.........................When Life Begins(S60, S619)
.........................A Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane (S59, S480)
.........................Jewish Boy In Public School (S75, S641c)
.........................Test Your Yiddish! - Quiz (S896)
.........................Two Men Standing At The Urnals
.........................Hebronics (S53, S867)
.........................Jewish President Invites Mom For Thanksgiving (S52, S321)
.........................Sons Convert To Christianity (S312)
.........................Jewish Wife Was Unfaithful (S22, S551b)
.........................Jewish_Fly (S104)
.........................Larry Comes To Visit Pete
.........................Mrs. Goldstein Vacations In Miami
.........................Rules Of Judaism:

Also see ANAGRAMS file- 'Jewish Women And Chinese Food'
         ARAB file    - 'Arab And Jewish Tie Salesman'
         ASIA-CHINESE - 'Chinese Jews'
.........BANKING-SUPP2- 'How To Legally Rob A Bank' - Video
         BIRD-PARROTS - 'Parrot Speaks Any Language'
         BUGS-ETC file- 'Two Bees Talk'
         CAB_DRIVER   - 'Nude Woman Hails A Jewish Cab Driver'
         CARS1 file   - 'Greenberg Brothers Invern AC'
         CATHOLIC file- 'Dying Man Asks For Priest'
         CHRIST3-SUPP - 'A Boca Christmas Poem'
         CHRISTMAS4   - 'Teacher Asks About Christmas'
         CHURCH file  - 'Moses Leads Israelies'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Handyman Quits Synagogue'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'The Start Of The Internet'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Man Given Six Months To Live'
......................- 'Jewish Man Has Son Do Operation'
         ELDERLY1 file- '50th Anniversary w/Cheap, Late Kids'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Two Old Ladies Go To Two Rest Homes'
         FARNER1 file - 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
         FOOD-ETC file- 'Dietician's Speech'
         FUNERAL file - 'Scattering Your Ashes At Bloomingdales'
......................- 'Woman Wakes Up After Funeral'
......................- 'Memorial Stone'
         FUNERAL-SUPP - 'Archie Bunker Gives A Eulogy' - Video
         GENIE file   - 'Jewish Genie'
......................- 'Three Different Races Find Genie'
         GOD2 file    - 'How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments'
         GREEK file   - 'Irish, Jew And Greek Make A Deal With St. Peter'
         HOW_MANY file- 'How Many Jew Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest, Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Wife Has Portrait Painted'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         MEN1 file    - 'Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives'
         MEXICAN file - 'Two Jews In Mexico'
         NUDIST file  - 'Policeman Breaks Up Women's Party in Israel'
         PENIS1 file  - 'How To Get Babies'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Herschel The Magnificent' - Video
......................- 'The Amazing Goldstein'
         PHONE file   - 'The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
         PILOT-SUPP   - 'Sample Reel Above and Beyond Birth of Israeli Air Force'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Two Arabs And A Jew On A Plane'
......................- 'Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
         POLISH file  - 'Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush And Sharon Have Dinner'
         POLIT-OBAMA  - 'President Obama Performs' - Video
         POPE file    - 'The Pope And Two Beggars'
......................- 'The Pope In A Contest With A Jew'
......................- 'The Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match'
         PRIESTS2     - '80 Year Old Confesses To An Affair'
......................- 'Promotions For Priests'
         PUSSY file   - 'Strangers Have Sex On Beach'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Some JEWISH JOKES From HENNY YOUNGMAN'
         QTS-COMED-SP2- 'Brad Zimmerman - My Son The Waiter' - Video
         SCOTTISH file- 'Scotsman And Jew In The Bathroom'
         SLOGANS/PROVB- 'Yiddish Proverb'
         STRANDED     - 'Jewish Doctor Stranded On Island'
         SWIMMING file- 'Morty And Saul Go Boating'
         TAXES file   - 'Man Goes To Priest With Business Problems'
......................- 'Tax Official Visits Synagogue'
......................- 'What To Wear To The IRS'
         TENNIS file  - 'Dave Cohen, "Urine Test"' - Video
         WAITER file  - 'Jewish Man Has Soup With Bread'
         WEDDING-SUPP - 'The Fork' - Short Film

===========================================================Top
Subj:     Adam Sandler Sings "The Hanukkah Song" (S934d)
          Published by: Saturday Night Live
          From: Esther Vigil-Hassard on Facebook
 Source: (Youtube.com/embed/KX5Z-HpHH9g won't play in USA)
.
.......
.
.......On Saturday Night Live, Adam Sandler sings "The
.......Hanukkah Song." It was first aired on 12/03/94.
.......Click 'HERE' to hear this very funny song.

Top
Subj:     Converting To Catholicism And Eating Steak (S561c)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98
      and From: redcatt on 10/19/2007

 A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.  Every
 Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're
 morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.
 So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.

 Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed.
 They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on
 the Jew and intones:
      ....."Born a Jew
      ......Raised a Jew
      ......Now a Catholic."

 The Catholics are ecstatic.  No more delicious, but
 maddening smells every Friday evening.  But the next
 Friday evening, neighbors sat down to eat fish and were
 disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring
 house.  They went over to talk to the new Catholic because
 he knew that he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays.
 When they saw him, he was sprinkling catchup on the beef
 saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but
 now you are a fish."

Top
Subj:     Irena Sendler - Holocaust Heroine 
          From: darrellvip on 10/25/2008 (S616d)
 Source1: http://www.holocaustforgotten.com/sendler.htm
 Source2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irena_Sendler

 Irena Sendler (in Polish also: Irena Sendlerowa) was
 born February 15, 1910 and died May 12, 2008.  She was
 a Polish Catholic social worker during World War II.
 Irena was a member of the Polish Underground and the
 Zegota Polish anti-Holocaust resistance in Warsaw.  She
 helped save 2,500 Jewish children from the Warsaw Ghetto
 by providing them with false documents and sheltering
 them in individual and group children's homes outside
 the ghetto.  You can read her amazing story by clicking
 'HERE'.

 This is a true story as verified by Snopes.com at
 http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/sendler.asp

Top
Subj:     Three Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom (S72, S473c)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #148 on 98-06-15
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/7/2006
 (Also see 'Christmas Dinner' in Parrots)

 Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad
 and prospered.  They discussed the gifts they were able to
 give their old mother.

 AVRAHAM, the first, said:  "I built a big house for our mother."
 MOISHE, the second, said:  "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
 DAVID, the youngest, said:  "You remember how our mother enjoyed
    reading the bible.  Now she can't see very well.  I sent her
    a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just
    has to name the chapter and verse."

 Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
 AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge.  I live only
 in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.   MOISHE, she
 said, I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home
 so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas  --
 he's a pain in the tuchas.   But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN
 WAS DELICIOUS!

Top
Subj:     Hebrew Writing (S475c)
          From: mbucher on 98-04-19
      and From: auntiegah on 2/20/2006
 (Also see 'Archaelogical Dig In Israel' in Jewish2)

 A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they
 came upon a cave.  Written on the wall of the cave were the
 following symbols in order of appearance.

 1.  A dog
 2.  A donkey
 3.  A shovel
 4.  A fish
 5.  A Star of David

 They decided that this was a unique find and the writings
 were at least more than three thousand years old.  They
 chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the
 museum where archaeologists from all over the world came
 to study the ancient symbols.

 They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
 discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the
 markings.  The President of their Society stood up and
 pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like
 a dog.  We can judge that this was a highly intelligent
 race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
 To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol
 resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to
 have animals help them till the soil.  The next drawing
 looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even
 had tools to help them.

 Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish
 which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth
 whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea
 for food.  The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
 which means they were evidently Hebrews."

 The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President
 smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full
 agreement with our interpretations."

 Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of
 the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation
 of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all,
 everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right,
 but from right to left......  Now, look again..... It now
 says: "'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!'"

Top
Subj:     A Jew is Knighted (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15

 During one of my many trips to London, I became friends
 with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named
 Hyman Goldfarb.  On one visit, Hy told me that because of
 his large donations to charities through the years, the
 queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it
 down.

 "That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it
 down?"

 "Because during the ceremony you have to say something
 in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying
 Latin just for that."

 "So say something in Hebrew.  The queen wouldn't know
 the difference."

 "Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

 "Remember that question the son asks the father on the
 first night of Passover?... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

 "Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.  Thank
 you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

 At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the
 other honorees went before the queen.  Finally they called
 his name.  He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her
 sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned
 for Hy to speak.

 Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

 The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this
 knight different from all the other knights?"

 Note: Happy Passover to all!  For those unfamiliar,
 Passover is a Jewish holiday, lasting eight days and
 honoring the Jews freedom (and exodus) from enslavement
 by the Egyptians thousands of years ago.  On the first
 and second nights of Passover, a festive meal called a
 sedar is held, and the story is retold during the meal.
 One part of the sedar calls for the youngest child to
 ask four questions - The first being  "Why is this
 NIGHT different from all other NIGHTS?"

Top
Subj:     The Yo-Yo Diet Guide To The Jewish Holidays (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15

 In honor of the Jewish Holiday of Passover, which begins
 Friday night at Sundown, we bring you todays jokes on
 Jewish Holiday practices.

 Rosh Hashanah         -- Feast
 Tzom Gedalia          -- Fast
 Yom Kippur            -- More fasting
 Sukkot                -- Feast
 Hoshanah Rabbah       -- More feasting
 Simchat Torah         -- Keep feasting
 Month of Heshvan      -- No feasts or fasts for a whole
                          month.  Get a grip on yourself.
 Hanukkah              -- Eat potato pancakes
 Tenth of Tevet        -- Do not eat potato pancakes
 Tu B'Shevat           -- Feast
 Fast of Esther        -- Fast
 Purim                 -- Eat pastry
 Passover              -- Do not eat pastry
 Shavuot               -- Dairy feast (cheesecake,
                          blintzes etc.)
 Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake
                          or blintzes)
 Nine days of Av       -- Don't eat meat.  Might be OK to
                          eat cheescake or blintzes.
 Tish B'Av             -- Very strict fast (don't even think
                          about cheesecake or blintzes)
 Month of Elul         -- End of cycle.
                          Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders
                          before High Holidays arrive again.

Top
Subj:     The Essence Of Chutzpah (S674b,d)
          From: lubin100 on 12/10/2009
..........At: (Removed from lissismore.com)

 Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve,
 effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance.  As Leo Rosten
 writes, there is no other word, and no other language
 that can do it justice.  Click 'HERE' to read this
 wonderful story of chutzpah.

Top
Subj:     When Life Begins (S60, S619)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #74 on 98-03-24
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 4/12/2005

 A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life
 begins.  "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe
 that life starts  when the heart starts to beat."

 "We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in
 that we believe life starts at the moment of conception."

 "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts
 when the kids move out and the dog dies."

Top
Subj:     A Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane (S59, S480)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #64 on 98-03-14
      and From: DoctorDebt on 3/31/2006

 A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy.

 After they have been flying together in silence for a
 while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've
 never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl
 Harbor."

 The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell
 are you talking about?!?!?  It was the Japanese that
 bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese.  And besides,
 I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"

 The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's
 the  difference?"

 A little while later, The Korean man says, "You know,
 I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic."

 The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are
 you talking about?  The Jews didn't have anything to
 do with that!  An iceberg sank the Titanic.

 The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg,
 what's the difference?"

Top
Subj:     Jewish Boy In Public School (S75, S641c)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-07
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 4/13/2009

 A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a
 small town.  The teacher of the one-room school decides
 to use her position to try to influence the new student.
 She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever
 lived?"

 A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington
 was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the
 Father of our country."  The teacher replies, "Well...that
 is a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking
 for."

 Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think
 Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he
 freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well,
 that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was
 looking for."

 Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think
 Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The
 teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she
 says, "that's the answer I was looking for."  She then
 brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him
 a lollipop.

 Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as
 he is licking his lollipop.  He says, "Why did you say,
 'Jesus Christ'?"

 The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know
 it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is
 business."

Top
Subj:     Test Your Yiddish! (S896)
          Published by Thirteen.org
          From: Jim Farris on Facebook
Drawing from Amazon.com...
 Source: http://www.thirteen.org/program-content/
.........how-well-do-you-know-your-yiddish/

 HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR YIDDISH?

 Verklempt is Yiddish for being overcome with emotion.  Maybe
 you don't know that word.  But more and more, Yiddish words
 are appearing in the English language. Words like Kosher,
 Futz, and Schmutz are being used by everyone.  I took this
 15 question, multiple-choice test and got 7 out of 15 right.
 Click on the above source, and see if you can do better than me.

Top
Subj:     Two Men Standing At The Urnals
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #228 on 98-02-03

 Two men standing at adjacent urinals, respectfully looking
 straight ahead at nothing in particular on the wall, were
 at it for a bit, when one says to the other, "You're Jewish,
 aren't you?"

 "Why, yes," says the other, "Why do you ask?"

 Ignoring the question, the first man continues, "And you're
 a member of Temple Sholom across town, aren't you?"

 "Why, yes! How did you know that?" asked the other man.

 "And your rabbi is Irving Goldfarb, isn't he?" continued
 the first man.

 "This is incredible!  How do you know these things?" asked
 the other man.

 "Ah! I've know Rabbi Goldfarb for a long time.  He doesn't
 have very good eyes, you know, so he cuts on a bias, and
 you're pissing on my foot!"

Top
Subj:     Hebronics (S53, S867)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #20 on 98-01-21
      and From: AFine963 on 8/15/2013

 The New York City Public Schools have officially declared
 Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language.
 Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in
 the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a
 significant attribute of American culture.  According to
 Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College
 and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of
 Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language
 patterns, as well as Yiddish.

 Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to
 any question is usually another question with a complaint
 that is either implied or stated.

 Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be,
 with my bad feet?'

 Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle
 for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.  An example is the
 repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
 "Mountains, shmountains.  Stay away.  You should want a
 nosebleed?"

 Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a
 sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
 "It's beautiful, that dress."

 Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the
 end of the sentence.  Thus the response to a remark such
 as "He's slow as a turtle," could be:  "Turtle, shmurtle!
 Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

 Shulman provided the following examples from his best-
 selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

 Question: "What time is it?"
 English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
 Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

 Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
 English answer:  "Thanks."
 Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

 Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
 English answer: "Be right there."
 Hebonic response:  "Alright already, I'm coming. What's
    with the 'hurry' business?  Is there a fire?"

 Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
 English answer: "Glad you like it."
 Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the
    other ties I gave you?"

 Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
 English answer: "Congratulations!
 Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

 Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
 English answer: "Just say when."
 Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding!  Do I look like a cowboy?"

 To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
 English answer: "Happy birthday."
 Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."

 Remark: "A beautiful day."
 English answer: "Sure is."
 Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

 Remark: "How are things?"
 English answer: Anything can happen
 Hebonic response: "It is never so bad, it can't get worse"

 Answering a phone call from a son:
 English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
 Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"

Top
Subj:     Jewish President Invites Mom For Thanksgiving (S52, S321)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 3/21/2003

 The first Jewish President of the United States calls his
 mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanks-
 giving.  She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble.
 I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate
 waiting on Queens Blvd..."

 He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab.
 I'll send a limousine for you!"

 His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my
 ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane,
 and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."

 He replies, "Mom!  I'm the President of the United States!
 I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

 To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll
 to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a
 cab...it's  really too much trouble."

 He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter
 for you!  You won't have to lift a finger."

 She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need
 a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really
 don't like the rooms..."

 Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President!  You'll
 stay at the White House!"

 She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

 The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

 Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

 Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

 Betty: "The doctor?"

 Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

Top
Subj:     Sons Convert To Christianity (S312)
          Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/16/2003

 Hymie met Abie in the street on the way to schul.  "Hello
 Abie, how's it by you?"

 "Vell, Hymie, to tell you the truth, I've a big problem
 with mine son Myron."

 Says Hymie, "So vots the problem?"

 Abie replies, "Vell, Myron vent to Israel on holiday, and
 ven he came home, I found out, he vas converted to
 Christianity.... vot should I do?"

 "Funny you should mention", says Hymie. "Mine Boychik
 Selwyn, he also vent to Israel on holiday, and guess vot?
 Ven he returned, he vos also converted to Christianity.
 I'm not sure vot to do about it".

 Abie suggests that, as they are near Schul, they should
 consult Rabbi Greenspan. Thus agreed, they tell their
 respective stories to the Rabbi.

 Rabbi Greenspan responds, "Funny you should mention it,
 but mine son, Moshe, also vent to Israel for his holidays,
 and guess vot?  He vos also converted to Christianity!!!
 I am at my wits end, I don't know vot to do!"

 By consensus, the three gentlemen decide that the only
 option they have is prayer.  As they are praying, a
 thundercloud appears in an otherwise clear blue sky.  A
 thunderbolt flickers, and a voice booms from above:
 "FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT ................"

Top
Subj:     Jewish Wife Was Unfaithful (S22, S551b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-24
      and From: ginafm on 8/10/2007
 (Also see 'Office Christmas Party' in CHRISTMAS2)

 Abie and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary
 and Abie says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have
 you ever cheated on me?"

 Becky replies, "Oh Abie, why vould you ask such a question
 now?  You don't want to ask that question..."

 "Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."

 "Well, all right, 3 times..."

 "3, hmmm, well when were they?"

 "Well, Abie, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really
 wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would
 give you a loan...

 Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over
 the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...
 Well..."

 "Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more
 than ever, to do such a thing for me....  So when was
 number 2?"

 "Well, Abie, remember when you had that last heart attack and
 you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon
 wanted to touch you...

 Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do
 the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...
 Well...."

 "Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to
 save my life...  I couldn't have a more wonderful wife...
 To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling...
 I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was
 number 3?"

 "Well, Abie, remember two years ago when you wanted to become
 president of the Golf Club and you were missing 53 votes?"

Top
Subj:     Jewish_Fly (S104)

 A man has been drinking at a bar for about a hour when a
 very beautiful young lady walks in and sits at a table.  He
 is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have
 her.  He leans over to the bartender and asks if the
 bartender has any spanish-fly in the back.  The bartender
 says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes
 later with a small packet of white powder.  The bartender
 says to the man "this is not Spanish-fly, we are all out
 of that but this is just as good.  This is Jewish-fly,
 and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty
 minutes after she takes it!"  The man forks over his $10
 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a
 champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature
 with his compliments.

 The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our
 hero rather disinterestedly but about twenty minutes later
 she slinks off her barstool.  She saunters across the room
 toward our hero in a most seductive manner, oozing
 sensuality.  Our hero is terrifically excited.  She reaches
 him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans
 in close to his ear.  He can feel her breath on his neck
 and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

Top
Subj:     Larry Comes To Visit Pete
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #241 on 97-11-04

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.  Now
they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by
telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
 "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great.  Where do you live?"

"Here's the address.  And there's plenty of parking behind the
apartment.   Park and come around to the front door, kick it
open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button
with your left elbow, then enter!  When you reach the sixth floor,
go down the hall until you see my name on the door.  Then
press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good.  But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the
front  door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right,
then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Top
Subj:     Mrs. Goldstein Vacations In Miami
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #6 on 98-01-06

 In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated
 herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar
 with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North
 Miami.

 "Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs.
 Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

 "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are
 occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

 "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."

 "Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
  No Jews allowed."

 "Jewish?  Who's Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic."

 "I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the
  Son of God?"

 "Jesus, Son of Mary."

 "Where was he born?"

 "In a stable."

 "And why was he born in a stable?"

 "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room
  in his hotel!"

Top
 Subj:     Rules Of Judaism:
           From: humorlist-digest V1 #224 on 97-10-16

  - If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  - It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
  - If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  - After the destruction of the Second Temple,
    God created Loehmann's.
  - No one looks good in a yarmulke.
  - Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  - WASPs leave and never say good-bye.  Jews say good-bye
    and never leave.
  - Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off
    is a mitzvah.
  - There's nothing like a good belch.
  - Israel is the land of milk and honey;
    Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  - Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a
    nice hors d'oeuvre.
  - The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do
    with marijuana.
  - And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
  - If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
  - Always whisper the names of diseases.
  - One mitzvah can change the world; two will just
    make you tired.
  - If you don't eat, it will kill me.
  - Anything worth saying is worth repeating
    a thousand times.
  - Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  - Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  - Next year in Jerusalem.  The year after that,
    how about a nice cruise?
  - Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  - Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
  - The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
    alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
  - A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  - Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  - Before you read the menu, read the prices.
  - There comes a time in every man's life when he must
    stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.  This
    usually happens at around age 45.
  - If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure
    it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  - No meal is complete without leftovers.
  - If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
    But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody
    what you paid.
  - The only thing more important than a good education
    is a good parking spot at the mall.
  - Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac
    and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

    From: humorlist-digest V2 #21 on 98-01-22
  - No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but
    then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
  - After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
  - The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
    sees the hole.
  - Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball
    on Yom Kippur.
  - Prune danish is an acquired taste.
  - According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish
    may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  - Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is
    marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
  - What business is a yenta in?  Yours.
  - Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything,
    but it makes you feel better.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
..........................From Smiley_Central.
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