(Includes 19 jokes and articles, 05856n,2,cf,md4,2)
Passover Greeting
from
Animation Library
| Subj:
Jewish1 Jokes
(Includes 19 jokes and articles, 05856n,2,cf,md4,2) |
|
Passover Greeting from Animation Library |
Also see ANAGRAMS file- 'Jewish
Women And Chinese Food'
ARAB file - 'Arab
And Jewish Tie Salesman'
ASIA-CHINESE - 'Chinese Jews'
.........BANKING-SUPP2-
'How
To Legally Rob A Bank' - Movie
BIRD-PARROTS - 'Parrot
Speaks Any Language'
BUGS-ETC file- 'Two Bees
Talk'
CAB_DRIVER - 'Nude
Woman Hails A Jewish Cab Driver'
CARS1 file - 'Greenberg
Brothers Invern AC'
CATHOLIC file- 'Dying
Man Asks For Priest'
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Teacher
Asks About Christmas'
CHURCH file - 'Moses
Leads Israelies'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Handyman
Quits Synagogue'
COMPUTERS4 - 'The
Start Of The Internet'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Man
Given Six Months To Live'
......................-
'Jewish
Man Has Son Do Operation'
ELDERLY1 file- '50th
Anniversary w/Cheap, Late Kids'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Two
Old Ladies Go To Two Rest Homes'
FARNER1 file - 'Rabbi,
Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
FOOD-ETC file- 'Dietician's
Speech'
FUNERAL file - 'Scattering
Your Ashes At Bloomingdales'
......................-
'Woman
Wakes Up After Funeral'
......................-
'Memorial
Stone'
FUNERAL-SUPP - 'Archie
Bunker Gives A Eulogy' - Movie
GENIE file - 'Jewish
Genie'
......................-
'Three
Different Races Find Genie'
GOD2 file - 'How
The Jews Got The 10 Commandments'
GREEK file - 'Irish,
Jew And Greek Make A Deal With St. Peter'
HOW_MANY file- 'How
Many Jew Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb'
ITALIAN file - 'Italian
Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest,
Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Wife
Has Portrait Painted'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law
Dies In Jerusalem'
MEN1 file - 'Italian,
Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives'
MEXICAN file - 'Two Jews In Mexico'
NUDIST file - 'Policeman
Breaks Up Women's Party in Israel'
PENIS1 file - 'How
To Get Babies'
PENIS2 file - 'Herschel
The Magnificent' - Movie
......................-
'The
Amazing Goldstein'
PHONE file - 'The
Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
PLANE1 file - 'Two
Arabs And A Jew On A Plane'
......................-
'Man
Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
POLISH file - 'Town's
Cow Stops Giving Milk'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Bush
And Sharon Have Dinner'
POLIT-OBAMA - 'President
Obama Performs' - Movie
POPE file - 'The
Pope In A Contest With A Jew'
......................-
'The
Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match'
PRIESTS2 - '80
Year Old Confesses To An Affair'
......................-
'Promotions
For Priests'
PUSSY file - 'Strangers
Have Sex On Beach'
QUOTES2 file - 'Some
JEWISH JOKES From HENNY YOUNGMAN'
SCOTTISH file- 'Scotsman
And Jew In The Bathroom'
SLOGANS/PROVB- 'Yiddish
Proverb'
STRANDED - 'Jewish
Doctor Stranded On Island'
SWIMMING file- 'Morty
And Saul Go Boating'
TAXES file - 'Man
Goes To Priest With Business Problems'
......................-
'Tax
Official Visits Synagogue'
......................-
'What
To Wear To The IRS'
TENNIS file - 'Dave
Cohen, "Urine Test"' - Movie
WAITER file - 'Jewish
Man Has Soup With Bread'
===========================================================Top
| Subj:
Irena Sendler - Holocaust Heroine
From: darrellvip on 10/25/2008 (S616d) Photo from
Richards-Creations.net...
|
 |
Irena Sendler (in Polish also:
Irena Sendlerowa) was
born February 15, 1910 and died
May 12, 2008. She was
a Polish Catholic social worker
during World War II.
Irena was a member of the Polish
Underground and the
Zegota Polish anti-Holocaust
resistance in Warsaw. She
helped save 2,500 Jewish children
from the Warsaw Ghetto
by providing them with false
documents and sheltering
them in individual and group
children's homes outside
the ghetto. You can read
her amazing story at the
three totally different above
sources, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
This is a true story as verified
by Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/sendler.asp
Top
Subj: Three
Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom (S72, S473c)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #148 on 98-06-15
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/7/2006
(Also see 'Christmas
Dinner' in Parrots)
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama
left their homeland, went abroad
and prospered. They discussed
the gifts they were able to
give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said:
"I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said:
"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said:
"You remember how our mother enjoyed
reading the bible.
Now she can't see very well. I sent her
a remarkable parrot
that recites the whole bible -- Mama just
has to name the
chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of
thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house
you built is so huge. I live only
in one room, but I have to clean
the whole house. MOISHE, she
said, I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home
so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver has shpilkas --
he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN
WAS DELICIOUS!
Top
Subj: Hebrew
Writing (S475c)
From: mbucher on 98-04-19
and
From: auntiegah on 2/20/2006
(Also see 'Archaelogical
Dig In Israel' in Jewish2)
A team of archaeologists was
excavating in Israel when they
came upon a cave. Written
on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of
appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a
unique find and the writings
were at least more than three
thousand years old. They
chopped out the piece of stone
and had it brought to the
museum where archaeologists
from all over the world came
to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to
discuss what they could agree
was the meaning of the
markings. The President
of their Society stood up and
pointed at the first drawing
and said, "This looks like
a dog. We can judge that
this was a highly intelligent
race as they knew how to have
animals for companionship.
To prove this statement you
can see that the next symbol
resembles a donkey, so, they
were even smart enough to
have animals help them till
the soil. The next drawing
looks like a shovel of some
sort, which means they even
had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish
which means that that they had
a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn't grow,
they would take to the sea
for food. The last symbol
appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently
Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically
and the President
smiled and said, "I'm glad to
see that you are all in full
agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish
man stood up in the back of
the room and said, "I object
to every word. The explanation
of what the writings say is
quite simple. First of all,
everyone knows that Hebrews
don't read from left to right,
but from right to left......
Now, look again..... It now
says: "'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE
ASS ON THAT BITCH!'"
Top
Subj: A Jew
is Knighted (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15
During one of my many trips to
London, I became friends
with a very wealthy, yet very
modest, Jewish chap named
Hyman Goldfarb. On one
visit, Hy told me that because of
his large donations to charities
through the years, the
queen wanted to knight him,
but he was going to turn it
down.
"That's a great honor," I said.
"Why would you turn it
down?"
"Because during the ceremony
you have to say something
in Latin," he said. "And I don't
wish to bother studying
Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew.
The queen wouldn't know
the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
"Remember that question the son
asks the father on the
first night of Passover?...
Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana
ha leila hazeh. Thank
you, old sport, I shall become
a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his
turn while several of the
other honorees went before the
queen. Finally they called
his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her
sword on one shoulder and then
on the other, and motioned
for Hy to speak.
Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband
and said, "Why is this
knight different from all the
other knights?"
Note: Happy Passover to all!
For those unfamiliar,
Passover is a Jewish holiday,
lasting eight days and
honoring the Jews freedom (and
exodus) from enslavement
by the Egyptians thousands of
years ago. On the first
and second nights of Passover,
a festive meal called a
sedar is held, and the story
is retold during the meal.
One part of the sedar calls
for the youngest child to
ask four questions - The first
being "Why is this
NIGHT different from all other
NIGHTS?"
Top
Subj: The
Yo-Yo Diet Guide To The Jewish Holidays (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15
In honor of the Jewish Holiday
of Passover, which begins
Friday night at Sundown, we
bring you todays jokes on
Jewish Holiday practices.
Rosh Hashanah
-- Feast
Tzom Gedalia
-- Fast
Yom Kippur
-- More fasting
Sukkot
-- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah
-- More feasting
Simchat Torah
-- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan
-- No feasts or fasts for a whole
month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah
-- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet
-- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat
-- Feast
Fast of Esther
-- Fast
Purim
-- Eat pastry
Passover
-- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot
-- Dairy feast (cheesecake,
blintzes etc.)
Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast
(definitely no cheesecake
or blintzes)
Nine days of Av
-- Don't eat meat. Might be OK to
eat cheescake or blintzes.
Tish B'Av
-- Very strict fast (don't even think
about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul
-- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders
before High Holidays arrive again.
 |
Subj:
The Essence Of Chutzpah (S674b,d)
From: lubin100 on 12/10/2009 |
Chutzpah is a Yiddish
word meaning gall, brazen nerve,
effrontery, sheer guts plus
arrogance. As Leo Rosten
writes, there is no other word,
and no other language
that can do it justice.
Click on the above source,
or 'HERE'
to read this wonderful story of chutzpah.
Top
Subj: Converting
To Catholicism And Eating Steak (S561c)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98
and
From: redcatt on 10/19/2007
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic
neighborhood. Every
Friday the Catholics go crazy
because, while they're
morosely eating fish, the Jew
is outside barbecuing steaks.
So the Catholics work on the
Jew to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading,
the Catholics succeed.
They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on
the Jew and intones:
....."Born
a Jew
......Raised
a Jew
......Now
a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic.
No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday
evening. But the next
Friday evening, neighbors sat
down to eat fish and were
disturbed by the smell of roast
beef from the neighboring
house. They went over
to talk to the new Catholic because
he knew that he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinkling
catchup on the beef
saying, "You were born a cow,
you were raised a cow, but
now you are a fish."
Top
Subj: When
Life Begins (S60, S619)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #74 on 98-03-24
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/12/2005
A minister, a priest and a rabbi
were discussing when life
begins. "Those of my faith,"
said the minister, "believe
that life starts when
the heart starts to beat."
"We take a bit of a different
view," said the priest, "in
that we believe life starts
at the moment of conception."
"Well," said the rabbi, "it is
our belief that life starts
when the kids move out and the
dog dies."
Top
Subj: A Rabbi
And A Korean On A Plane (S59, S480)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #64 on 98-03-14
and
From: DoctorDebt on 3/31/2006
A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy.
After they have been flying together
in silence for a
while, the rabbi leans over
and says, "You know, I've
never forgiven you Chinese for
what you did at Pearl
Harbor."
The Korean looks shocked and
replies, "What the hell
are you talking about?!?!?
It was the Japanese that
bombed Pearl Harbor, not the
Chinese. And besides,
I'm not Chinese or Japanese,
I'm Korean!"
The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese,
Chinese, what's
the difference?"
A little while later, The Korean
man says, "You know,
I've never forgiven you Jews
for sinking the Titanic."
The rabbi looks confused and
mad and says, "What are
you talking about? The
Jews didn't have anything to
do with that! An iceberg
sank the Titanic.
The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg,
Goldberg, Greenberg,
what's the difference?"
Top
Subj: Jewish
Boy In Public School (S75, S641c)
From: thebartend on 98-07-07
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/13/2009
A young Jewish boy starts attending
public school in a
small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides
to use her position to try to
influence the new student.
She asks the class, "Who was
the greatest man that ever
lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says,
"I think George Washington
was the greatest man that ever
lived because he is the
Father of our country."
The teacher replies, "Well...that
is a good answer, but that's
not the answer I am looking
for."
Another young student raises
his hand and says, "I think
Abraham Lincoln was the greatest
man that lived because he
freed the slaves and helped
end the civil war." ... "Well,
that's another good answer,
but that is not the one I was
looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises
his hand and says, "I think
Jesus Christ was the greatest
man that ever lived." The
teacher's mouth drops open in
astonishment. "Yes!" she
says, "that's the answer I was
looking for." She then
brings him up to the front of
the classroom and gives him
a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another
Jewish boy approaches him as
he is licking his lollipop.
He says, "Why did you say,
'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop
and replies, "I know
it's Moses, and YOU know it's
Moses, but business is
business."
Top
Subj: Two
Men Standing At The Urnals
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #228 on 98-02-03
Two men standing at adjacent
urinals, respectfully looking
straight ahead at nothing in
particular on the wall, were
at it for a bit, when one says
to the other, "You're Jewish,
aren't you?"
"Why, yes," says the other, "Why do you ask?"
Ignoring the question, the first
man continues, "And you're
a member of Temple Sholom across
town, aren't you?"
"Why, yes! How did you know that?" asked the other man.
"And your rabbi is Irving Goldfarb,
isn't he?" continued
the first man.
"This is incredible! How
do you know these things?" asked
the other man.
"Ah! I've know Rabbi Goldfarb
for a long time. He doesn't
have very good eyes, you know,
so he cuts on a bias, and
you're pissing on my foot!"
Top
Subj: Hebronics
(S53, S540b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #20 on 98-01-21
and
From: SCOTCOB on 5/15/2007
The New York City Public Schools
have officially declared
Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics,
as a second language.
Backers of the move say the
city schools are the first in
the nation to recognize Hebonics
as a valid language and a
significant attribute of American
culture. According to
Howard Ashland, linguistics
professor at Brooklyn College
and renowned Hebonics scholar,
the sentence structure of
Hebonics derives from middle
and eastern European language
patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains, "In
Hebonics, the response to
any question is usually another
question with a complaint
that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may
be answered, 'How should I be,
with my bad feet?' Shulman
says that Hebonics is a superb
linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism.
An example is the
repetition of a word with "sh"
or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains.
Stay away. You should want a
nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving
the subject of a
sentence to the end, with its
pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."
Shulman says one also sees the
Hebonics verb moved to the
end of the sentence. Thus
the response to a remark such
as "He's slow as a turtle,"
could be: "Turtle, shmurtle!
Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Shulman provided the following
examples from his best-
selling textbook, Switched-On
Hebonics:
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't
know."
Hebonic response: "What am I,
a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out
okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should
be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright
already, I'm coming. What's
with the 'hurry'
business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave
me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like
it."
Hebonic response: "So what's
the matter; you don't like the
other ties I gave
you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!
Hebonic response: "She could
stand to lose a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to
go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding!
Do I look like a cowboy?"
To the guest of honor at a birthday
party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic response: "A year smarter
you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun
is out; what else is new?"
Remark: "How are things?"
English answer: Anything can
happen
Hebonic response: "It is never
so bad, it can't get worse"
Remark: "How do I look?"
English answer: "You're sexy"
Hebonic response: (unknown concept)
Answering a phone call from a
son:
English answer: "It's been a
while since you called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't
wonder if I'm dead already?"
Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness
will or will not come
to you regardless if you send
it to another eight people.
Mama throw me out the window a pickle.
Top
Subj: Jewish
President Invites Mom For Thanksgiving (S52, S321)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/21/2003
The first Jewish President of
the United States calls his
mother in Queens and invites
her to come down for Thanks-
giving. She says, "I'd
like to, but it's so much trouble.
I mean, I have to get a cab
to the airport, and I hate
waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President!
You won't need a cab.
I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know,
but then I'll have to get my
ticket at the airport, and try
to get a seat on the plane,
and I hate to sit in the middle...it's
just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the
President of the United States!
I'll send Air Force One for
you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well,
but then when we land, I'll
to carry my luggage through
the airport, and try to get a
cab...it's really too
much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President!
I'll send a helicopter
for you! You won't have
to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but,
you know, I still need
a hotel room, and the rooms
are so expensive, and I really
don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom!
I'm the President! You'll
stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
Top
Subj: Sons
Convert To Christianity (S312)
Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/16/2003
Hymie met Abie in the street
on the way to schul. "Hello
Abie, how's it by you?"
"Vell, Hymie, to tell you the
truth, I've a big problem
with mine son Myron."
Says Hymie, "So vots the problem?"
Abie replies, "Vell, Myron vent
to Israel on holiday, and
ven he came home, I found out,
he vas converted to
Christianity.... vot should
I do?"
"Funny you should mention", says
Hymie. "Mine Boychik
Selwyn, he also vent to Israel
on holiday, and guess vot?
Ven he returned, he vos also
converted to Christianity.
I'm not sure vot to do about
it".
Abie suggests that, as they are
near Schul, they should
consult Rabbi Greenspan. Thus
agreed, they tell their
respective stories to the Rabbi.
Rabbi Greenspan responds, "Funny
you should mention it,
but mine son, Moshe, also vent
to Israel for his holidays,
and guess vot? He vos
also converted to Christianity!!!
I am at my wits end, I don't
know vot to do!"
By consensus, the three gentlemen
decide that the only
option they have is prayer.
As they are praying, a
thundercloud appears in an otherwise
clear blue sky. A
thunderbolt flickers, and a
voice booms from above:
"FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT
................"
Top
Subj: Jewish
Wife Was Unfaithful (S22, S551b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-24
and
From: ginafm on 8/10/2007
(Also see 'Office
Christmas Party' in CHRISTMAS2)
Abie and Becky are celebrating
their 50th wedding anniversary
and Abie says to Becky, "So,
Becky, I was wondering... Have
you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Abie, why
vould you ask such a question
now? You don't want to
ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..."
"3, hmmm, well when were they?"
"Well, Abie, remember when you
were 35 yrs old and you really
wanted to start the business
on your own and no bank would
give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank
president himself came over
the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked...
Well..."
"Oh, Becky, you did that for
me! I respect you even more
than ever, to do such a thing
for me.... So when was
number 2?"
"Well, Abie, remember when you
had that last heart attack and
you were needing that very tricky
operation, and no surgeon
wanted to touch you...
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey
came all the way up here to do
the surgery himself and then
you were in good shape again...
Well...."
"Oh my god!! Becky, you
should do such a thing for me, to
save my life... I couldn't
have a more wonderful wife...
To do such a thing, oy vay,
you must really love me darling...
I couldn't be more moved...
So, all right then, when was
number 3?"
"Well, Abie, remember two years
ago when you wanted to become
president of the Golf Club and
you were missing 53 votes?"
Top
Subj: Jewish_Fly
(S104)
A man has been drinking at a
bar for about a hour when a
very beautiful young lady walks
in and sits at a table. He
is immediately lust-struck and
decides that he must have
her. He leans over to
the bartender and asks if the
bartender has any spanish-fly
in the back. The bartender
says he will check and comes
back a couple of minutes
later with a small packet of
white powder. The bartender
says to the man "this is not
Spanish-fly, we are all out
of that but this is just as
good. This is Jewish-fly,
and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty
minutes after she takes it!"
The man forks over his $10
and asks the bartender to put
the Jewish-fly into a
champagne cocktail and deliver
it to the gorgeous creature
with his compliments.
The woman drinks the champagne
cocktail and looks at our
hero rather disinterestedly
but about twenty minutes later
she slinks off her barstool.
She saunters across the room
toward our hero in a most seductive
manner, oozing
sensuality. Our hero is
terrifically excited. She reaches
him and puts one lithe arm around
his shoulders and leans
in close to his ear. He
can feel her breath on his neck
and she whispers "Hey big boy....want
to go shopping?"
Top
Subj: Larry
Comes To Visit Pete
From: humorlist-digest V1 #241 on 97-11-04
Pete and Larry had not seen each other
in many years. Now
they had a long talk trying to fill
in the gap of those years by
telling about their lives.
Finally Pete invited Larry to visit
him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids
and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's
plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come
around to the front door, kick it
open with your foot, go to the elevator
and press the button
with your left elbow, then enter!
When you reach the sixth floor,
go down the hall until you see my
name on the door. Then
press the doorbell with your right
elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is
all this business of kicking the
front door open, then pressing
elevator buttons with my right,
then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Top
Subj: Mrs.
Goldstein Vacations In Miami
From: humorlist-digest V2 #6 on 98-01-06
In the winter of 1926, Thelma
Goldstein from Chicago treated
herself to her first real vacation
in Florida. Being unfamiliar
with the area, she wandered
into a restricted hotel in North
Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the
manager. "My name is Mrs.
Goldstein, and I'd like a small
room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied,
"but all of our rooms are
occupied." Just as he said that,
a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm
sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe.
Let me ask you, who was the
Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't
let a Jew rent a room
in his hotel!"
Top
Subj:
Rules Of Judaism:
From: humorlist-digest V1 #224 on 97-10-16
- If you can't say something
nice, say it in Yiddish.
- It's not who you know, it's
who you know had a nose job.
- If it tastes good, it's probably
not kosher.
- After the destruction of
the Second Temple,
God created Loehmann's.
- No one looks good in a yarmulke.
- Why spoil a good meal with
a big tip?
- WASPs leave and never say
good-bye. Jews say good-bye
and never leave.
- Twenty percent off is a bargain;
fifty percent off
is a mitzvah.
- There's nothing like a good
belch.
- Israel is the land of milk
and honey;
Florida is the
land of milk of magnesia.
- Pork is forbidden, but a
pig in a blanket makes a
nice hors d'oeuvre.
- The High Holidays have absolutely
nothing to do
with marijuana.
- And what's so wrong with
dry turkey?
- If your name was Lipschitz,
you'd change it, too.
- Always whisper the names
of diseases.
- One mitzvah can change the
world; two will just
make you tired.
- If you don't eat, it will
kill me.
- Anything worth saying is
worth repeating
a thousand times.
- Where there's smoke, there
may be smoked salmon.
- Never take a front-row seat
at a bris.
- Next year in Jerusalem.
The year after that,
how about a nice
cruise?
- Never leave a restaurant
empty-handed.
- Spring ahead, fall back,
winter in Miami Beach.
- The important Jewish holidays
are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
- A bad matzoh ball makes a
good paperweight.
- Without Jewish mothers, who
would need therapy?
- Before you read the menu,
read the prices.
- There comes a time in every
man's life when he must
stand up and tell
his mother he's an adult. This
usually happens
at around age 45.
- If you're going to whisper
at the movies, make sure
it's loud enough
for everyone else to hear.
- No meal is complete without
leftovers.
- If you have to ask the price,
you can't afford it.
But if you can
afford it, make sure you tell everybody
what you paid.
- The only thing more important
than a good education
is a good parking
spot at the mall.
- Laugh now, but one day you'll
be driving a big Cadillac
and eating dinner
at four in the afternoon.
From: humorlist-digest
V2 #21 on 98-01-22
- No one leaves a Jewish wedding
hungry; but
then again, no
one leaves with a hangover.
- After the sixth day, God
created Loehmann's.
- The optimist sees the bagel,
the pessimist
sees the hole.
- Remember, even Sandy Koufax
didn't play ball
on Yom Kippur.
- Prune danish is an acquired
taste.
- According to Jewish dietary
law, pork and shellfish
may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.
- Tsuris is a Yiddish word
that means your child is
marrying someone
who isn't Jewish.
- What business is a yenta
in? Yours.
- Prozac is like chicken soup:
it doesn't cure anything,
but it makes you
feel better.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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..........................
Jewish
Smiley from Smiley_Central.
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