..........(Includes 23 jokes and articles, 06986,2,cf,vXT2a,4)
Old Jewish Catskill Comics (S634)
From: tom on 2/26/2009
Drawing from Rabbisimcha.com
You may remember the old Jewish
Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days, Milton Berle, Shecky Green, Henny Youngman,
Totie Fields, Red Buttons, and others? But don't you
miss their humor?
to read twenty Vaudeville jokes, see three videos
and listen to one audio tape of old Jewish Catskill comics.
Subj: Yiddish Curses For Republican Jews (S815)
From: AFine963 on 8/27/2012
Source: (Removed from yiddishcursesforrepublicanjews)
Go to the above source and click
repeatedly on the button
to see one Yiddish curse after another. They are so funny,
witty, and cute that I clicked the button until they repeated.
Here are my favorites:
May you sell everything and retire
just as global warming makes it uninhabitable.
May you live to a hundred and
Social Security or Medicare.
May you live to a ripe old age,
and may the only
people who come visit you be Mormon missionaries.
May your son be elected President,
and may you have no
idea what you did with his goddamn birth certificate.
May your grandchildren baptize you after you're dead.
May your insurance company decide
constipation is a
May the state of Arizona expand
their definition of
"suspected illegal immigrants" to "anyone who doesn't hunt."
May you grow so rich that your
widow's second husband is
thrilled they repealed the estate tax.
May you find yourself lost and
stranded in a village of
Palestinian Muslims, and may you be treated only with
dignity, kindness and respect.
May your son the doctor introduce
you to his fiancée,
May the secretary your husband
is schtupping depend on
Planned Parenthood for her birth control.
Subj: Three Jewish Sons Marry (S655b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/16/2009
A Jewish father, Moishe, got
a call from his eldest son,
Yitzak, who told him, "Father, I am going to marry!"
Moishe actually danced with joy.
"Tell me, is she a good
Jewish girl? What's her name?"
"O'Brien," replied the son. "She's Catholic."
"Oy!" said the father. "But are you happy, my son?"
"I'm happy," said the son.
"Okay, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both."
Now the father was counting more
than ever on his remaining
sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah, to give him Jewish grandsons.
The next evening, Schlemiel called
his father. "I, too,
will soon be married, Father." Again Moishe broke out
into a dance and sang God's praises. "Pray, what is her
name?" he asked.
"Kazalopodopolous," replied the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy!" cried Moishe. "But are you happy?"
"I'm very happy, Father."
"Okay. Then you, too, have my blessing," Moishe declared.
Dejected, Moishe went to the
temple to pray. "Please, God,
let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl,
to raise nice Jewish children in Your eyes... please!"
The next day, Chutzpah came to
his father in quite a state.
"Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her name? What is her name?" his father immediately demanded.
"Goldberg!" replied Chutzpah.
Moishe was beside himself with
joy. He leapt into the air
and shouted, "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" When he
calmed down sufficiently, he asked Chutzpah, "Is she
Dr. Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Newark?"
"No," replied Chutzpah.
"Hmm. Must be Attorney General
Goldberg's daughter Rachel,
"Ah, no, Father," Chutzpah again responded.
"Well then, what is her first
name, my youngest, truest,
most beautiful son?"
"Whoopi," Chutzpah replied.
Subj: Two Jewish Women Discuss Herpes (S318, S643)
From: thebartend on 2/18/2003
Two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda)
were walking along the
street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally
getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful
girl, but ...he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have
any idea what this herpes
is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "I don't know,
but I am just so thrilled to
hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled.
As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a
very fine medical dictionary
at home-- I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it
up, and calls Ruth..., "Ruth,
keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry!
It says: Herpes is a disease of the gentiles.' "
Subj: Archaelogical Dig In Israel (S309, S856)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/28/2002
and From: AFine963 on 5/28/2013
(Also see 'Hebrew Writing' in Jewish1)
A team of archaeologists excavating
in Israel came upon a
cave. Written across the cave wall were the following
symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right:
A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to
discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society
summarized findings and pointed
at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge
that this race was family oriented and held women in high
esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next
symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to
have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools
to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence
is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth
and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which
means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Finally, a wizened little old
man stood up in the back of
the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to
left. It says, 'Holy mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'
Subj: Old Jewish Yarn Merchant (S303)
From: dogbyte on 11/20/2002
Abraham is an old Jewish guy
who is a yarn merchant. He
lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls
up Abraham and says, "Hey
Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length
must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning the Anti-Semite
is awakened at 7am by
the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see
a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping
truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front
yard. Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange
yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the
The guy starts yelling and screaming
at Abe. "What
is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told
you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose
to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What
do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm
very careful when I
deal with people like you, that's why I got a few
witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles,
so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my
penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
Subj: Old Jew Helps Wagon Train (S264b)
From: RFSlick on 2/16/2002
A long time ago when America
was being settled, a group of
people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast.
The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the
people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering
for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and
winter was fast approaching.
As the group came over a hill
they saw the first person
they had seen for days; an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet,
sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train
approached the man.
"Can you help us? We're
heading west but we're lost and
all our food is gone. We're starving."
The old man replied, "Vell you
know, I can see the future...
Vait.. I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his
brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming.
Oh yah, I see, I see....I know vut you gotado. Go up dis
here hill und down other side. Go through forest und
across the stream. Den go up next hill und down to dat
valley below. There you vill find ah bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"YA, ah bacon tree. Trust
me.. for nuttin vud I lie. I
can see the future."
The wagon train leader shrugged
and headed off. The group
followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They
went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest,
across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley
Nothing. Zip. Zilch.
Not a damned thing and especially
not a bacon tree. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came
Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one
man was killed, even he was seriously wounded.
He crawled up the hill, crawled
across the stream, crawled
through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down
into the valley. There, under the tree was that same old
Jewish man, having a glass of tea, right where they had
The injured man crawled up to
him and started shouting....
"What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths!
We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up
the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across
the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below.
NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of Indians! And
the rest of my group? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! "
The man held up his hand and
said "Oye, vait a minute,
vait a minute... I'm getting anudder vision.... Oyeeee.
Ooooh. NOW I get it....G'VALT, I make ah big mistake...
It vuz not a bacon tree...It vuz a ham bush!"
Subj: Two Jewish Widows Discuss A Date (S240)
From: RFSlick on 9/5/2001
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman
asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock. An like such a mensch he is
dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings
me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then,
he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a
beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur
and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...
Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a
show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much
I could just die from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment, and into an animal he
turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive
new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old
Subj: Israeli Stud And The Blonde (S230, S818)
From: pns on 6/24/2001
and From: tom on 4/21/2008 and 9/12/2012
This Israeli stud is out picking
up chicks in Tel Aviv one
night. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a
So they're back at his place,
and sure enough, they go at it.
Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he
forces himself to last as long as possible. He climaxes
loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks
her, "So .... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he
puts out his cigarette, rolls
back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this
time lasting even longer than the last... and this time
completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he
rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So .... you
And again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively
on his macho pride,
he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his
companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he
can muster, he barely manages to end the task, but he
does, after quite some time and energy are spent. Barely
able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ...
lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"
To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."
Subj: Samurai Contest (S207)
From: pns on 1/20/2001
Back in the time of the Samurai
there was a powerful emperor
who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration
throughout the country he was searching for one.
A year passed, and only 3 people
showed up: a Japanese Samurai,
a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the
Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be
head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out
popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee
dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed:
"That is impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese
Samurai to come in and
demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened match
box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword,
and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The
emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish
Samurai demonstrate why he
should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a
match box and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went
Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying
around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After
all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well,"
he replied, "circumcision
is not meant to kill."
Subj: Jewish Couple Get A Divorce (S446)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/16/2005
A New York judge is presiding
over the divorce proceedings
of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed
and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and
says, "Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So, the woman explains that a
Get is a religious ceremony
required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a
divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"
She replies, "Yes, very similar,
only in this case you get
rid of the entire Prick!"
Subj: Jewish Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years (S192)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/4/00
(See 'Divorce On Thanksgiving' in THANKSGIVING)
Morris calls his son in NY and
says, "Benny, I have something
to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely
telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you
ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks
his father to tell him what
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide
to divorce Mama just like that
after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about
it. I only called because
you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really
don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call
your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say
anything to her about it. I
haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've
agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to
a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day
"Dad, don't do anything rash.
I'm going to take the first
flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until
I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise.
Next week is Yom Kippur.
I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call
your sister in MA and break the news to her. I just can't
bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives
a call from his daughter
who tells him that she and her brother were able to get
tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in
Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't
want to talk about it on the
telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until
we both get there."
Morris promises. After
hanging up from his daughter, Morris
turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but
we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them
here for Passover!"
Subj: Older Jewish Man Has Young Wife (S190, S846)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/23/00
and From: AFine963 on 3/31/2013
An older Jewish gentleman marries
a younger lady and they
are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband
does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes
his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a
strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help
the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's
advice. They hire a
handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love.; But it doesn't; help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's
try it reversed. Have the
young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young
man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the
wife soon has a room-shaking orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at
the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Subj: Man Thinks Wife Is Poisoning Him (S175)
From: thebartend on 6/6/00
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi,
something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling
you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell
you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls
the man and says, "Well, I
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Subj: Jewish Parrot
From: icohen on 8/24/99
Meyer, a lonely widower, was
walking home along Delancy
Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen
into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a
squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus
macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck...
eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe
it! He stood in front of an African Grey parrot that
cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin
Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly
to the store owner. "The
parrot speaks Yiddish?"
"What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer
paid five hundred dollars and
carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he
talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America. About how
beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About
his family. About his years of working in the garment center.
About Florida. The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in
the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to
Next morning, Meyer began saying
his prayers. The parrot
demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained,
the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made
a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to
learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting
and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer
came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
He was lonely no more.
One morning, on Rosh Hashona,
Meyer rose and got dressed and
was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.
Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird but
the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the
synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite
a spectacle, and Meyer was
questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time,
swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with
Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the
parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services.
The parrot perched on Meyer's
shoulder as one prayer and song
passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to
become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under
his breath, "Pray already!"
The parrot said nothing.
"Pray...parrot, you can pray,
so pray...come on, everybody's
looking at you!"
The parrot said nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services
were concluded, Meyer found that
he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand
dollars. He marched home, mad beyond words, saying nothing.
Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing
an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped
and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost
me over four thousand dollars.
After I taught you the morning
prayers, and taught you to read
Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to
a synagogue on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot
replied. "Think of the odds
on Yom Kippur!"
Subj: Converting To Judaism, Dancing & Marraige (S131B)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 8/1/99
A couple preparing for a religious
conversion meets with
the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks
if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that
men and women don't dance
"Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty
reasons, men and women
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, what about sex?" asks the man.
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Subj: Jewish Sex Drive
From: humorlist-digest V2 #213 on 98-09-10
An elderly Jewish couple came
into the doctor's office. When
the doctor came into the exam room and asked what he could do
for them, the elderly man said, "We want as you should watch
us have sex." At which point the two disrobed, got up on the
exam table and proceeded to have sex. They finished, put on
their clothes and walked out of the office before the doctor
could even collect his thoughts.
A week later the same couple
came back to the doctor's office.
When the doctor came into the exam room, he asked what they
needed. The man said, "We want as you should watch us have
sex." They again stripped, had wild sex, finished and put
their clothes on. Before the doctor could say anything they
left the office.
A week later the doctor came
into the same exam room to find
the same elderly Jewish couple. He said, "I need to know
something. This is the third week you've come to this
office. You ask me to watch you have sex, then before I can
say anything, you leave the office. Just what am I supposed
to be doing?"
The Jewish man said, "You see,
we are both married, but not
to each other. Holiday Inn charges $100 for a room. The
office fee is $35 and Medicare pays for that."
Subj: Jewish Man Goes Out To Lunch Each Day (S70)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #137 on 98-06-03
An old Jewish man goes to a diner
every day for lunch. He
always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks
him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish
accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells
the waitress to give him
four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager
asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,"
comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells
the waitress to give him
eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the
manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more
bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day the manager
tells the waitress to give
him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal,
sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot,
but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply
The manager is now obsessed with
seeing this customer say
that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery,
and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man
comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager
cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half,
and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of
soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of
soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will
get the answer he is looking
for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the
manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY,
The old Jew replies: "It
wass goot as usual, but I see you
are back to giving only two slices of bread!"
Subj: Dog goes to Jewish Service (S65 & 348b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
and From: LABLaughs.com on 9/13/2003
While leading the Friday evening
services, the Rabbi noticed
a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St.
Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to
continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are you doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you.
You are just fooling around;
that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking
he would call Bernie's bluff),
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the
dog...The dog proceeds to
open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a
tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually
starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he
listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure,
he is so impressed
with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think
your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands
in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO
HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"