Subj:     Jewish3 Jokes
                 (Includes 68 jokes and articles, 24 1028,2,cf,vXT4b,2)

Menorah from
Includes the following:  The Taylor - Movie (S753)
.........................A Jewish Widow On The Beach (S722)
.........................The Jewish Widow And The Butcher (S592)
.........................Bette Midler Pretty Legs And Soph Jokes - Video (S1028)
.........................Christmas Vs. Chanukah (DU)
.........................Two Jews On A Bus (S341, S642a)
.........................Haiku's For Jews (S212, S669b)
.........................Remarkable Quotes From Remarkable Jews (164)
.........................Passover (S113)
.........................The Night Before Chanukah
.........................Second The Night Before Chanukah
.........................Jewish Test (S91)
                         Short Jewish Jokes
..............................Jewish Women And Chinese Food (S504b)
..............................Jewish Cartoons (S384b)
..............................Jewish View on When Life Begins (S352)
..............................Grandma Gives Elbow Direct. To Grandson (S205, S861)

Subj:     The Taylor (S753d)
          From: AFine963 on 6/16/2011
 Source: (Removed from youtube.com)
 (Also see "Two Priests Buy Overcoats" in Priest1)
 The Tailor is a six minute film presented by the San Francisco
 Jewish Film Festival.  In the film two Talmudic students buy
 new suits from Marcus Pincus, the taylor.  Culture and
 confusion meet on a Brooklyn street, in this hilariously
 charming tale of similarities amid diversity.  The film is
 directed by Gordon Grinberg.

 Click 'HERE' to see this very cute film.

Subj:     A Jewish Widow On The Beach (S722)
          From: tom on 11/17/2010
 (Also see "Strangers Have Sex On Beach" in Pussy)

 A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing
 on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida.  She looked up
 and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
 walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and
 began reading a book.  Smiling, she attempted to strike up
 a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

 "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

 "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

 "First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he
 replied and turned back to his book.

 "I'm sorry to hear that.  My husband passed away three
 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you
 live around here?" she asked.

 "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs," he answered and again
 he resumed reading.

 Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted.
 "Do you like pussy cats?"

 With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her
 blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most
 passionate lovemaking of her life.

 When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and
 asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

 The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Subj:     The Jewish Widow And The Butcher (S592)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/22/2008

 In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His
 widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the
 people of the town decided that she ought to get
 married again.

 But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor
 was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat
 dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the
 butcher had no great formal education. However, she was
 lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

 After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah
 (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she
 went home to prepare to light the candles.

 The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana,
 told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
 candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

 She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My
 father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles
 it's good to have sex." So they did.

 They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they
 awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said
 that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have
 sex." So they did.

 After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again
 he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says
 after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

 On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend
 who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

 She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from
 a wonderful family...

Subj:     Bette Midler Pretty Legs And Soph Jokes (S1028)
          From: Bette Midler-Fansite
..........on Facebook on 9/23/2016
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/BetteMidlerFansite/
 Click 'HERE' to see Bette Midler sing "Pretty Legs"
 and tell sophmore jokes.
Subj:     Christmas Vs. Chanukah (DU)
          From: pns on 12/7/2003

 Christmas Vs.  Chanukah (Special Florida Calendar Edition)

 Jews love Dec. 25th.  It's another paid day off work.  We
 go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing.
 Chanukah is eight days.  It starts the evening of the 24th
 of Kislev, whenever that falls.  No one is ever sure.  Jews
 never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah
 starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look
 like idiots.  We all have the same calendar, provided free
 with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the
 kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially
 in Florida).
 * Christmas is a major holiday.
 * Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most
   Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived,
   let's eat!!!
 * Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry,
   perfume, stereos...
 * Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or
   a the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive
   on the bookshelf.
 * There is only one way to spell Christmas.
 * No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka,
   Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.
 * Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
   boyfriends.  Their partners expect special gifts.
 * Jewish men are relieved of that burden.  No one expects
   a diamond ring on Chanukah.
 * Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
 * Candles are used for Chanukah.  Not only are we spared
   enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about
   not contributing to the energy crisis.
 * Christmas carols are beautiful.  Silent Night,
   Come o Ye Faithful.....
 * Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about
   having a party and dancing the Hora.  Of course, we are
   secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were
   composed and written by our tribal brethren.  And don't
   Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
 * A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.  The
   sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking.  Happy people
   are gathered around in festive moods.
 * A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes
   and onions.  The home, as always, is full of loud people
   all talking at once.
 * Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
 * Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating
   potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah.  Another
   reminder of our suffering through the ages.
 * Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.
 * Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift
   any of the eight nights.
 * The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
   names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.
 * The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah,
   Maccabee, and Matta-whatever.  No one can spell it or
   pronounce it.  On the plus side, we can tell our friends
   anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in
   our history.
 * Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
 * Jews think, "Joseph, bubela.  Snap out of it.  Your woman
   is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want
   to blame God.  Here's the number of my shrink."
 * In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
 * The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a
   minor holiday.  It makes sense.  How could we market a
   major holiday such as Yom Kippur?  Forget about
   celebrating.  Think observing.  Come to synagogue, starve
   yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated
   soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed
   good time for you and your family.  Tickets a mere $200
   per person.

Subj:     Two Jews On A Bus (S341, S642a)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/5/2003

 A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

 The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

 The old Jew doesn't answer.

 "Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time
 is it?"

 The old Jew still doesn't answer.

 "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I
 really want to know what time it is. Why won't you
 answer me?"

 The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this
 route.  I don't know you, so you must be a stranger.  If I
 answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must
 invite you to my home.

 You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter.  You will
 both fall in love and you'll want to get married.  And tell
 me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a

Subj:     Haiku's For Jews (S212, S669b)
          From: pns on 2/24/2001

  Hey! Get back indoors!
  Whatever you were doing
  could put an eye out.

  Testing the warm milk
  on her wrist, she beams -- nice, but
  her son is forty.

  Lovely nose ring --
  excuse me while I put my
  head in the oven.

  After the warm rain,
  the sweet scent of camellias.
  Did you wipe your feet?

  Wet moss on the old
  stone path -- flat on my back, I
  ponder whom to sue.

  The long pilgrimage
  to the venerable shrine -
  Leonard's of Great Neck.

  In the ice sculpture
  reflected bar-mitzvah guests
  nosh on chopped liver.

  Beyond Valium,
  the peace of knowing one's child
  is an internist.

  The same kimono
  the top geishas are wearing-
  got it at Loehmann's.

  Jewish triathlon-
  gin rummy, then contract bridge,
  followed by a nap.

  Scrabble anarchy
  after 'putzhead' is placed on
  a triple-word score.

  Hava nagila,
  hava nagila, hava-
  enough already.

  Would-be convert lost-
  thawed Lender's Bagels made a
  bad first impression.

  Today, mild shvitzing.
  Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
  Five-day forecast-feh

  The shivah visit-
  So sorry for your loss. Now
  back to my problems.

  Now that Koreans
  are the "New Jews", the "old Jews"
  can leave for Boca.

  Yom Kippur-forgive
  me, God, for the Mercedes
  and all the lobsters.

  Lonely mantra of
  Jewish mother, "They never
  call, they never write."

Subj:     Remarkable Quotes From Remarkable Jews (164)
          From: FrankRoesch on 03/23/2000

 My father never lived to see his dream come true of an
 all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.  -- David Steinberg

 I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . .
 they have no holidays.  -- Henny Youngman

 Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be
 intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their Breasts,
 God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters.
 By the time I was five I knew I was that one.  -- Mel Brooks

 The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and
 skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
 course, the man is Jewish.  -- Jules Farber

 Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're
 Jewish.  If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be
 goyish even if you are Jewish.  -- Lenny Bruce

 My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
   -- Benjamin Disraeali

 It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to
 say and then don't say it.  -- Sam Levenson

 God will pardon me. It's His business. -- Heinrich Heine

 I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and In
 fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.  -- Joe E. Lewis

 A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
   -- Sam Goldwyn

 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want
 to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen

 A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when
 he comes to it.  -- Oscar Levant

 Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel
 they deserve everything they've stolen.  -- Mort Sahl

 Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
   -- Ernie Kovacs

 When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
   -- Henry Kissinger

Subj:     Passover (S113)
          From: smiles on 3/31/99

   Passover is the the Jewish holiday celebrating the Jews
   freedom from Egyptian enslavement thousands of years ago..
   want to see the movie? Look for the Ten Commandments
   starring Charlton Heston.. or the Rugrats cartoon special
   and hear Tommy (playing Moses) say those immortal words
   "Let My Babies Go"

Stan Kegel explains:
 Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish
 child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah,
 and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other
 plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this over-
 wealming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah refused to
 let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the
 first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home,
 passing over the Jewish homes.  Only after this tragedy
 did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and
 Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

 This has been known for generations.  What has not been
 known is why the Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming
 evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first
 nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth
 Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find
 the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years
 studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer.
 And once found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still
 in de Nile.

 Q: Why did it take the Israelites 40 years to get out
    of the desert?
 A: Because none of the men would stop to ask for directions.

 The Jewish community in Spain goes into a panic before
 Passover.  Due to  a beet crop failure there won't be any
 beets for chrain for the seders this year.  Upon learning
 of the plight of the Spanish Jews, the Israeli rabbinate
 arranges for an emergency shipment of beets to be flown
 into Spain in time for the holiday.  All goes well and
 the plane lands in Madrid without incident.  However, a
 labor strike in Spain prevents the cargo handlers from
 unloading the cargo.  Passover finds the beets rotting on
 the runway in the cargo hold. What do we learn from this?
 Answer:  The chrain in Spain stays mainly on the plane.

 I thought you might enjoy excerpts from:

      Uncle Eli's, Special-for-Kids, Most Fun Ever
          Under-the-Table  Passover Haggadah
         1986, 1990, 1995 by Eliezer Lorne Segal
         (more can be found at this web page)

           A Present from Uncle Eli (1st stanza)

   The house had gone crazy, all turned upside-down,
      with everyone busily,  running around.
   Mommy was screaming , "Get out of the way!
      You can't keep on , lying around here all day!
   Tomorrow is Passover. You don't look ready.
      We have to remove , everything that is bready.
   Pack up the old dishes , and pull out the new.
      Prepare for the seder!   There's too much to do!"

           The Ten Plagues

        When Pharaoh got nasty
              and mean and deceiving
        and wouldn't agree
              to the Israelites' leaving,
        God sent him ten plagues
               so he might change his mind,
        and the Jews could leave
               terrible Egypt behind.

        There was
        blood in the gutters
        and frogs in the butter,
        and lice on their heads
        and beasts in their beds,
        disease in the cattle
        and big boils in the saddle.
        Hail started showering
        and locusts devouring.
        It turned dark as a pit.
        Then the first-born were hit.

                Rabban Gamaliel Omer...

        Rabban Gamaliel
               has something to tell,
         so we'd better all listen
               to him very well.

         He says that each person
               must mention these three
         if he wants his whole seder
               to go perfectly.
        Tonight these three things
               might be found in your parlor--
         They are: Pesah and Matzah and Maror.

         Pesah, the lamb
               that the Jews would prepare
         at the time that the Temple
               was still standing there,
         to remind us of how
               our ancestors were saved,
       how they marched out of Egypt
               and stopped being slaves.
         It wasn't a soup
               and it wasn't a stew.
         It was more like roast lamb
               in a big Bar-B-Q.
         We try to remember
               that lamb, if we're able,
         by keeping a bone of some sort
               on the table.

         Matzah, this strange flat
               and hard, crunchy bread
         was the food that our forefathers ate
               when they fled.
         They didn't have time
               to make something more tasty
         like chocolate cake
               or cherry-cream pastry,
         because their departure was
               ever so hasty.
         The trip out of Egypt was
               all so haphazard,
         they left mountains of matzah-crumbs
               all through the desert.
         Manny, our matzah-dog,
               eats it by tons.
         He'll have two hundred matzahs
               before the night's done.

         The third thing is Maror.
               These herbs are so bitter!
         Let's give some to Marvin,
               our mean baby-sitter!

 Here's one last joke for telling someone while
 the matzah digests:

 A Jewish man boards the train heading for Texas. On
 the third day the train is stopped in the middle of
 the desert and big Texan men board the train and
 bellow out,
      "Are there any Jews on this train?"
 The man crunches down in his seat and again the huge voice:
      "Any Jews on this train?"
 He shrinks deep into the seat.  This great big Texan
 wearing two pistols is now standing over him and roars,
      "Any Jews on this train?"
 The man gains his courage, sits up straight and says,
      "Ich bin a Yid" (I'm a Jew!)
 And the Texan replies, "Good! We need a tenth man for
 the Minyan."

 (to hold Jewish prayer services there has to be at least
 ten Jewish men.)

Subj:     The Night Before Chanukah
          From: smiles on 98-12-03

 (See 'A Boca Christmas Poem' in Christmas3-Supp)


  'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
     And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
   He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
     For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
   The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
     Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
   But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
     Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
   Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
     But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
   So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
     To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
   The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
     And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
   Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
     Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
   The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
     So come in the den and please have a bite
   If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
     But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
   A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
     Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
   Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
     A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
   And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
     Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
   "A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
     On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
   On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
     And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
   Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
     And he took a menorah to light for eight days
   And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
     For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
   He beamed and he chuckled  and said "Kine-ahaora,
     I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
   To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
     I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
   Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
     And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
   "Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
     Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
   And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
     "MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."

Very Rough Translations of yiddish:
 zeckel= bag    *  maidlach = girl   * peckel = coin
 meichel = meal * beichel = stomach  * kinder = children
 balbusta = lady of the house (usually
    a very nice description)
 mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament
    attached to right side of the door jam
 zeit = life    *  nosh = snack      * flanken = flank steak
 stuffed derma = cow intestines
 blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with
    fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
 bissel = a little piece             *  lox = smoked salmon (fish)
 bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels  *  chaleh = bread
 gatkes = guts  *  latkes = potato pancakes
 dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the
    side, used for a game at Chanukah
 menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
 mazel = luck
 gelt = coins
 schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone
    who always takes, but never gives anything back

Subj:     Second The Night Before Chanukah
          From: smiles on 98-12-03

And here's another enjoyable version chock full of yiddish:
Sent in by EliseMF:

 'Twas the night before Chanukah, Boichecks and Maidels,
    Not a sound could be heard.  Not even the dreidels.
  The Menorah was set by the chimney alight,
    In the kitchen, the Bubbie was choppin' a bite.
  Salami, pastrami, a glassele tay.
    nd Zozereh  pickles with bagels
  ----oy vay', Gesundt and geshmack , the kindelach felt,
    While dreaming of taglach and Chanukah Gelt.
  The alarm clock was sitting, a klappen and ticken,
    and Bubbie was carving a shtikele chicken.
  A tummel arose like a thousand Beruches,
    Someone had fallen and broken his tuchas
  I put on my slippers---- ains,Zvei, drei.
    While Bubbie was enjoying her herring and rye,
  I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkies,
    and Bubbie was just devouring the latkes.
  To the window I ran and to my surprise,
    A little red yamalke greeted my eyes.
  When he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
    "Yiddishe Kinder," he said "Kenahorah".
  "I thought I was in a strange hoise."
    "As long as I 'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
  "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
    A gupel, a leffel a shtikel fish."
  With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
    Chopped liver and Knadlach and kreplach gegessen.
  Along with his meals. he had a few schnappes,
    when it came to eating, this boy was tops.
  He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
    But they were so hot he yelled 'oy gevalt".
  He buttoned his hoysen and ran from the tish,
    "your Koshereh meals are simply delish."
  As he went through the door, he said "See you-all later,
     I'll be back next Pesach in time for th Seder."
  More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
     As he  whistled and shouted and called them by name.
  "Now Izzie--now Morris-- Now Louis--and Sammy--
     `on Irving and Maxie--  and Hymie and Manny".
  He gave a geshrey as he drove out of sight.
      "A GOOD  YONTIFF to all and to all a good night"

Subj:     Jewish Test (S91)
          humorlist-digest V2 #224 on 98-09-22

  1. There are no Jews living in:
     a. sin
     b. El Paso
     c. trailer parks

  2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
     a. do windows
     b. make latkes
     c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

  3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
     a. gentle
     b. housebroken
     c. stuffed

  4. Jews spend their vacations:
     a. sightseeing
     b. sunbathing
     c. discussing where they spent their last vacation
        and where they'll spend the next

  5. A Jewish mouth never
     a. lies
     b. closes
     c. contains gold teeth

  6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
     a. up on the newest styles
     b. entitled to free haircuts
     c. not Jewish

  7. Wilderness means
     a. no running water
     b. no electricity
     c. no hot and sour soup

  8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
     a. jogging
     b. tennis
     c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

  9. Jews never drive
     a. unsafely
     b. on Saturdays
     c. eighteen wheelers

 10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
     a. Easter lilies
     b. a crucifix
     c. a Zippo lighter

 11. A Jewish skydiver is
     a. careful
     b. insured
     c. an apparition

 12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
     a. aren't kosher
     b. cost too much
     c. have paintings for sale

 13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
     a. become a prostitute
     b. deface a synagogue
     c. remove the back of a TV set

 14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
     a. black belt
     b. obscene caller
     c. toll collector

 15. Jews never sing
     a. off-key
     b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
     c. around a piano bar

 16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
     a. horse
     b. backhoe
     c. toot

 17. Jews are ambivalent about
     a. vegetarianism
     b. Jesse Jackson
     c. absolutely nothing

 Scoring:  Take 1 point for each "a" answer,
           2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

 39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've
 studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire
 for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions,
 or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic.  Just
 remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot
 more butter than you're used to.

 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder.  Or consider getting a
 divorce and buying a Nathan's franchise.

Subj:     Short Jewish jokes

Subj:     Jewish Women And Chinese Food (S504b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/7/2006
 The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
 women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that
 this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is
 Not Now.

Subj:     Jewish Cartoons (S384b)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/3/2004
 The four pictures titled 'Jewish Cartoons can be seen
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Jewish View on When Life Begins (S352)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #70 on 98-03-20
 There is a big controversy these days concerning when life
 begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered
 a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

Subj:     Grandma Gives Elbow Directions To Grandson (S205. S861)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/1/2001
      and From: AFine963 on 7/10/2013

 Also titled Hannukkah Guilt

 A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson
 who was coming to visit with his wife:

 "You come to the front door of the apartments.  I am in
 apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.
 With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.
 Come inside and the elevator is on the right.  Get in,
 and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.  When you get out,
 I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

 "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all
 these buttons with my elbow?"

 "What? . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?!"

 It is better to know nothing than to learn nothing.
   -- Hebrew Proverb

From: igiggle on 1/15/2005 (S416b - slogans)
 One mother teaches more than a hundred teachers.
   -- Jewish Proverb

From: LABLaughsClean on 11/6/2007 (S563b in Mothers-supp)
 "God could not be everywhere, so He created mothers."
    -- Jewish Proverb

 The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99 (S122)
 Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took
 us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the
 only place in the Middle East that has no oil!  -- Golda Meir

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/8/2002 (S288b)
 Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
   -- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

 If you could choose.... Look Irish... Dress British...
 Think Yiddish.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #189
 Did ya hear about the Jewish American Princess and her
 husband who made love "doggie style"?
 He sat up and begged; she rolled over and played dead.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #186 on 97-08-28
 Sam Shwatrz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by
 a Policeman.  Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says,
 "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies,
 "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #138 on 98-06-04
 Is that a mezuzzah in your pocket or are you just
 happy to see me?

From: humorlist-digest V3 #18 on 99-01-21 (S104)
 All the major Jewish holidays really have one basic reason
 for celebration.  "They tried to kill us, we survived,
 let's eat."

 Q: How can you tell that Jesus was Jewish?
 A: He lived at home until he was thirty, worked for
    his dad and his mother thaught he was god.

 Q: What's the difference between the yiddish
    and the British?
 A: The British leave without saying goodbye, while
    the yiddish say goodbye without leaving.

 Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
 A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven.

 Q: What is a real Jewish delema?
 A: Free Ham

 Q: What is a Jewish pervert's favorite pickup line?
 A: Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?

 Q: What's the difference between a circumcision
    and Crusifixian?
 A: With crusifixian they throw away the whole Jew.

 Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?
 A: Air is free.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86
 Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife
    and a Jewish wife?
 A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #186 on 97-08-28
 Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
 A: Under the Vacuum cleaner.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #193
 Q: What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?
 A: A canoe tips.....

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
 Q: How does a Jewish couple do it "doggie style?"
 A: He sits up & begs; she lays down and plays dead.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #260 - Quickies! on 98-07-18 (S77)
 Q: What happens when a Jew walks into a wall
    with a fully erect penis?
 A: He breaks his nose.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #201 on 98-08-29
 Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother
    and a Rottweiler?
 A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
 Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess
    and an bowl of Jell-O?
 A: The Jell-O moves when you eat it.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/24/2005 (S425b - gay)
 Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
 A: A He-blew

From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/7/2006 (S504b)
 Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to
    change a light bulb?
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
    I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

From: pns on 10/30/2003 (S352b in how_many)
 Q: How many sons does it take to change a light bulb
    for one Jewish mother?
 A: None. Don't worry about your mother. You go have a
    good time.  I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone.

 Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw
    in a light bulb?
 A: What? And wreck my nails?
 A: Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and
    the other to call Daddy.

                           -(o o)-
.........................From Smiley_Central