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Subj:     Polish and East European Jokes
                 (Includes 29 jokes and articles, 30977,8,cf,vXT2,2)

Poland flag from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Tightrope Walker On Ukraine's Got Talent - Video (S977)
.........................The Moz'ART Group From Poland - Video (S750)
.........................Man Wants To Buy Polish Sausage (S333, S581b)
.........................Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar (S139, S793)
.........................Terrible Disaster (S62, S583c)
.........................Strength In Poland - Video (S579b)
.........................Polack Wants A Divorce (S367b, S545c)
.........................Pro USA Editorial f/Romanian Newspaper (S354b, DU)
.........................Irishman And Polack Out Hunting (S583)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S645b)
.........................Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch (DU)
.........................German, American, And Pollack Sentenced To Guillotine (S583b)
.........................Telling Polish Jokes In A Bar (S179, S583c)
.........................The Pastels - Video (S867)
.........................Polack Bar Joke (S241b, S474b)
.........................British, American, And Pollack In Burning Building (DU)
.........................Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk (S85, S632c)
                         Short Polish Jokes
..............................Man Buys Polish Sausage (S127, DU)
..............................Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma (S549c)
..............................Ukraine Politician Walks Dog (S294, DU)
..............................Polish Barbershop (S581c)
..............................Czechoslovakian Elections (S280, DU)
..............................Polish Terrorist (S250, DU)
..............................An Austrian Prison (S602b)
..............................Czechoslovakian Has Eye Test (S486, DU)

Also see CLOTHING file- 'Three Guys Get Army Uniforms'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Polish Virus'
         BEARS file   - 'Two Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Polish Man Killed'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Hungarian Railroad Accident'
         DATING1 file - 'Picking Up Girls With Potatoes'
         DOCTORS1 file- 'Two Bosnian Doctors'
         DOGS3 file   - 'Polish Proverb'
.........ENGLISH-SUPP - 'Bush Deploys Vowels To Bosnia'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Polish Dating Agency'
......................- 'Anton's Polish Nose'
         FOOTBALL file- 'Al Davis Finds A Quarterback'
         MATH2 file   - 'Polish Scientists Steal A Plane'
         OTHER-NATNLTS- 'How Yodeling Was Invented'
         OTHER_SPORTS - 'Romanian Football Moat'
         PHONE file   - 'Romanian Phone Sex'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Polish Terrorist'
         POPE file    - 'American Has Audience With Pope'
         PREGNANT file- 'Couple Couldn't Have Baby'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'The Great Escape - Tunnel Revealed'
         TESTS1 file  - 'The Polish Intelligence Test'
         WEDDING file - 'The Groom Who Drooled'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Tightrope Walker On Ukraine's Got Talent (S977d)
          Published by Got Talent Global
          From: tom on 9/29/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/krm34mHrcL4
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..........
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..........Click 'HERE' to see Tatyana Kundik dances
................on the rope on Ukraine's Got Talent.
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Top
Subj:     The Moz'ART Group From Poland (S750d in Music2)
          From: darrellvip on 5/26/2011
 Source1: http://www.mozartgroup.org/video.htm
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/elgwDpz4Lwk

 The musicians of the Moz'ART GROUP have been playing together
 since 1995.  At the beginning, they presented short musical
 jokes on Canal Plus Television.  They gave their first debut
 in 1997 at the PAKA - competition of young Polish cabarets in
 Krakow.  In the same year, they presented their first cabaret
 program entitled "Mozart's Still Alive" and since then, they
 have given concerts in Poland, Japan, China, the United States,
 Belgium, France and Switzerland.

 The Moz'ART Group is the most popular string quartet in
 Poland.  They play classical music in an unusual and funny
 way.  They take a classical composition as canvas, analyze
 its structure and theme, surround it with musical associations,
 brilliant, unbelievable ideas.  While listening to the final
 product the listener is constantly surprised, amazed, laughing
 and moved to tears.

 Click 'HERE' to listen and see this phenomenal group.

Top
Subj:     Man Wants To Buy Polish Sausage (S333, S581b)
          From: Grampsboyd on 5/28/2003
      and From: gordonschuk on 3/2/2008

 A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like
 some Polish sausage."

 The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

 The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But
 let me ask you something "If I had asked for Italian
 sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I
 had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
 was German?  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would
 you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or if I had asked for a
 taco would you ask if I was Mexican?  Would ya, huh?
 Would ya?"

 The clerk says, "Well, no."

 With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
 "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
 just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

 The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

 Rosie and I often buy Polish hot dogs at Costco.  There
 is a hot hamburger stand at Home Depot.  I'm going to
 check it out.

Top
Subj:     Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar (S139, S793)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/21/2007

 (See 'Gas Station's 'Free Sex' Contest' in Redneck3)

 An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.
 They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
 is a nice place.

 Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but
 where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
 At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink,
 and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

 The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

 Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
 where I come from, there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn,
 there's this place, Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
 Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys
 you anudda drink."

 Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

 Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where
 I come from,  there's this place called Warshowski's.  At
 Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
 your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then,
 they take you in the back and get you laid!"

 "Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that
 actually happen to you?"

 "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Top
Subj:     Terrible Disaster (S62, S583c)
          From: mbucher on 98-04-02
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-17

 Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-
 seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this
 afternoon in central Poland.

 Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies
 so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues
 into the evening.

Top
Subj:     Strength In Poland (S579b,d in Other-Sports)
          From: ginafm on 2/25/2008
      and From: tom on 4/13/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/BPGT7UPyzTI

 This video is a very impressive demonstration of strength.
 You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Polack Wants A Divorce (S367b, S545c)
          From: Imogenelumen on 2/3/2004
      and From: darrell94590 on 6/24/2007

 (Also see 'Farmer Wants A Divorce' in FARMER1)

 A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in
 Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from
 perfect, they got on very well.  Until one day he rushed
 into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
 divorce for him-"very quick".

 The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would
 depend on the circumstances and asked him the following
 questions:

 LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

 POLE:   JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home
 with 3 bedrooms.

 LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 Pole:  "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he
 responded.

 LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

 POLE:   "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and
         have never really needed one."

 LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

 POLE:  "All my relations are in Poland."

 LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 POLE:  "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set ?DVD player
        with 6.1 sound.  We don't necessarily like the
        music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

 LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

 POLE:   NO, I'm always up before her.

 LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

 POLE:   NO, she white.

 LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

 POLE:   SHE going to kill me.

 LAWYER: What makes you think that?

 POLE:   I got proof.

 LAWYER: What kind of proof?

 POLE:   She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at the
         drug store and put on shelf  in bathroom.  I can
         read - it says, "Polish Remover".

Top
Subj:     Pro USA Editorial f/Romanian Newspaper (S354b, DU)
          From: Imogenelumen on 11/8/2003

 We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial
 about the USA.  Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper
 The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and
 published under the title "C"ntarea Americii meaning
 "Ode To America") on September 24, 2002 in the Romanian
 newspaper Evenimentulzilei ("The Daily Event" or "News of
 the Day")

 "An Ode to America"

 Why are Americans so united?  They would not resemble one
 another even if you painted them all one color!  They speak
 all the languages of the world and form an astonishing
 mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.  Still, the
 American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a
 hand put on the heart.  Nobody rushed to accuse the White
 House, the army, and the secret services that they are only
 a bunch of losers.  Nobody rushed to empty their bank
 accounts.  Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape
 about.  The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to
 give a helping hand.

 After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag
 over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties
 in the colors of the national flag.  They placed flags on
 buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car
 a government official or the president was passing.

 On every occasion, they started singing their traditional
 song: "God Bless America!"  I watched the live broadcast
 and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of
 the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in
 a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the
 Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting
 with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting
 a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands
 of people.

 How on earth were they able to respond united as one human
 being?  Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note,
 the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic
 heroes.  And with every phone call, millions and millions
 of dollars were put in a collection aimed at rewarding not
 a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.

 What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way?  Their
 land?  Their galloping history?  Their economic Power?
 Money?  I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs
 and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.

 I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion...
 Only freedom can work such miracles.

 True story as checked by Snope.com
 http://www.snopes.com/rumors/romania.htm

Top
Subj:     Irishman And Polack Out Hunting (S583)

 An Irishman and Polack were out hunting.  From yonder
 thicket emerges a fine looking Irish lass.  Taken aback,
 the Irishman and Polack are momentarily nonplussed.

 However, quickly recovering his aplomb, the Irishman speaks:

 He:  Hey lass, are you game?

 She: (with a wink) Aye!...

 And with that, the Polack shot her.

Top
(S645b)
     by John Graziano on 5/20/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/05/20
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Top
Subj:     Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch (DU)
          From: DR SWITZER on 98-02-24

 There were three construction workers, one was Mexican, one
 was English, and the other was Polish.  They were on the
 high scaffolding of the building they were building, and
 they were eating lunch.

 The Mexican looked in his lunch, and said, "A taco, if I
 get a taco one more time I'm going to jump off this
 building!"

 The English guy looked in his lunch, and said, "Crumpets,
 if I get crumpets one more time I'm going to jump off this
 building!"

 Then the Polish guy looked in his lunch and said, "Polish
 sausage, if I get this sausage one more time I'm going to
 jump off of this building!"

 The next day they all got the same lunch, and they all
 jumped off the building, and died.  At the funeral the
 Mexican's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't
 want tacos I would have made him something different."

 Then the English guy's wife said, "If he would have told
 me he didn't want crumpets I would have made him something
 else."

 Then the Polish guy's wife said, "I don't understand, he
 made his own lunch."

Top
Subj:     German, American, And A Pollack Sentenced To Guillotine (S583b)

 Once upon a time there was a German, American and Pollack.
 All three had been overseas to some third world country.
 While at this third world country, they all had managed to
 be suspects for the murder of one of the high government
 officials of this dreaded land.  The community had gotten
 together to decide what should be done to have justice
 served.

 They ran into a problem, however.  No one could decide who
 the guilty man was.  From the back of the room where the
 community meeting was held, a voice cried out.  It said
 "guillotine 'em all!"  This was the decision agreed upon
 by all.  This judgement was to be carried out the following
 morning.  When morning came they were all informed that
 they would each get a last request.  Each man was led
 through the town square to be decapitated.

 The German was to be first.  He was asked if he had a last
 request.  The German responded "Yes, would you please see
 to it that my wife is taken care of?"  He was told that
 this would happen and was lowered under the mighty blade.
 The lever was released and the blade fell short of reaching
 his head by about 2 inches.  The people of the land decided
 that this was an act of God saying that he was not guilty,
 so they lethim go free.

 Next up was the American.  He was asked if he had a last
 request.  The American responded "Yes, may I please smoke
 just one last cigarette?"  The answer was yes and was
 allowed to light up. After he was finished he was lowered
 under the mighty blade.  The lever was released and the
 blade fell short of reaching his head by about 2 inches.
 The people of the land decided that this was an act of God
 saying that he was not guilty, so they let him go free.

 Finally the pollack was to meet his death under the mighty
 blade and was asked if he had a last request. The pollack
 stood there for about two minutes with a dumbfounded look
 on his face trying to think of a last request.  Then his
 eyes lit up and said yes.  He responded by saying "Look,
 there is a kink in the chain!"

Top
Subj:     Telling Polish Jokes In A Bar (S179, S583c)
          From: collins2 on 7/3/00

 A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling
 all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast!  Anyway, I
 ducked into the restroom .  While I was in there, this big
 guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't
 like you telling all those Polish jokes!"  So I said, "Well,
 they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."

 "My mother is in Poland!"  He screams, and pulls out a razor.

 Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he
 had found a place to plug it in!

Top
Subj:     The Pastels (S867d)

 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/danceflashmob/
 Source2: http://www.ledstripstudio.com/
..........en/ourprojects/pastels

 Source3: http://www.youtube.com/embed/DVt2OwMKiM8

 Slovak dance group The Pastels performing the Tron Dance
 light show for Red Bull at the CENTRAL Mall in Bratislava,
 Slovakia.  Powered by our custom modified LED Strips and
 Led Strip Studio software.

 Click 'HERE' to see this great, dancing, light show.

Top
Subj:     Polack Bar Joke (S241b, S474b)
          From: thebartend on 9/14/2001
      and From: Darrell Ellis 2/16/2005

 A little guy was sitting next to a big guy in a bar and
 said, "Hey, wanna hear a good Polack joke?"   The big
 guy frowned and answered, "I just happened to be Polish.
 You see those 2 big guys at the end of the bar?   Polish.
 That mean looking S.O.B. bartender, he's Polish too.  Do
 you still want to tell your Polish joke?"

 The little guy looked around and said, "Nope."

 "What's the matter?" asked the big guy.   "Are you afraid
 that we'll beat the crap out of you?"

 The little guy looked up at him and said, "No, I just don't
 want to have to explain the punch line four times."

Top
Subj:     British, American, And Pollack In Burning Building (DU)
          From: RBishop707 on 97-11-03

 A 10-story building was burning.  Three people found their
 way to the roof top in order to be rescued.  One fellow was
 British, the second American, and the third was a Pollack.

 The fire department had arrived and set up a net at the base
 of the building.  They motioned the British man to jump. As
 the British chap was just about to hit the net, the firemen
 pulled the net away; splat.

 The firemen then motioned the American to jump.  Again, as
 the American was about to hit the net, the firemen pulled
 the net away; splat.

 The firemen then motioned for the Pollack to jump. "No way!",
 he said.  "I saw what you did to my two buddies.  I'll jump
 under one condition.  Lay the net down on the ground and
 back off.

Top
Subj:     Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk (S85, S632c)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #211 on 97-11-23
      and From: JOELFALLON on 98-09-15

 A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped
 giving milk.  The townspeople did a little research and
 discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles
 but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
 So they got the cow from Minsk.

 It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and
 everybody loved this cow.  The people decided they would
 mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never
 have to worry about their milk supply again.  So they got a
 bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.  When
 the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow
 moved to the left.  When the bull moved in to mount the cow
 from the left, the cow moved to the right.  This went on all
 day.

 Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the
 Rabbi what to do.  After all he was very wise.  They told
 him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
 When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left
 and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to
 the right. What do we do?"

 The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy
 this cow from Minsk?"

 "Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise.  We never said we
 bought the cow from Minsk.  How did you know that?"

 The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04
 "The little town has a very specific name.  It is the
 town of Chelm.  Just as Americans make fun of Poles (or
 Italians), the Canadians make fun of Newfies, the French
 make fun of Belgiques, and so on, the Jews have always made
 fun of the residents of the town of Chelm.  They are
 usually ironically refered to as "the wise men of Chelm"
 and the stories usually involve some sort of amazing (or
 brillliant) insight that is immediately misapplied.  This
 is a classic Chelm story."


Subj:     Short Polish Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Man Buys Polish Sausage (S127, DU)
          From: FrankRoesc on 7/1/99
 A Guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like
 some Polish Sausage."

 The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you polish?"  The
 guy says, "Well, yes I am.  If I had asked for Italian
 sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had
 asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was
 German?  Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if
 I was Mexican?"

 The clerk says "Well, no."

 The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish
 just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

 The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
 

Top
Subj:     Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma (S549c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/23/07 (in Hospital1)
 Source: (thatsweird.net/news37.shtml has a virus)
Photo from
ThatsWeird.net
 Jan Grzebski woke up after being asleep for 19 years, to
 find that his world had changed beyond all recognition.
 The Polish railway worker lost consciousness in 1988 after
 being struck by a train.  He didn't come out of his coma
 until Sunday June 3 2007.  You can read the story by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Ukrane Politician Walks Dog (S294, DU)
          From: jerry on 9/17/2002
 An Eastern Ukrainei politician, out for a walk with his
 dog, got into an altercation with some people and so he
 hung back and tossed a grenade at them.

 But dogs will be dogs and his dog was thinking "fetch"
 and so ran over, grabbed the grenade, and happily returned
 it to our award winner.  Unfortunately the dog died as
 well when the grenade went off.

 Sounds like a familiar urban legend but the newspaper
 traces it back to a local TV news report.

 Gazeta (Russia) 1-Aug-02
 

Top
Subj:     Polish Barbershop (S581c in Barbershop)
          From: tom on 3/6/2008
 These five photos of a Polish barbershop could inspire me
 to get a lot more haircuts.  Click 'HERE' to view them.
 

Top
Subj:     Czechoslovakian Elections (S280, DU)
          From: jerryon 6/10/2002
 Czech voters, soon to vote in general elections, are being
 wooed by the Christian Democrats on one side, who are
 handing out free shots of plum brandy to gain attention,
 and by the Communist party on the other side who are using
 five topless women to hand out campaign literature.

 The communists have a slight lead.

 Reuters via Stuff.co.nz (New Zealand) (11-Jun-02)
 

Top
Subj:     Polish Terrorist (S250, DU)
          From: pns on 11/15/2001
 In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist
 named Stanley Bin Ladinsky hijacked a Goodyear Blimp.

 So far, he has bounced off 5 buildings.
 

Top
Subj:     An Austrian Prison (S602b in Prison)
          From: ginafm on 7/22/2008
 Source1: http://www.mimoa.eu/projects/Austria
........../Leoben/Justice%20and%20Detention%20Centre
 Source2: http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/prison.asp
 These fifteen photos show the Justice and Detention Centre
 in Leoben, Austria.  Click 'HERE' to view one beautiful jail.
 

Top
Subj:     Czechoslovakian Has Eye Test (S486, DU)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-10
 A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing
 steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an
 optometrist.  The doctor started with some simple
 testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with
 letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY

 'Can you read this?' the doctor asked.

 'Read it?' the Czech answered. 'Doc, I know him!'
 

 A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when
 halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't
 you know I'm Polish?"

 "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to
 start over and talk slower?"
 

 Q: What's the difference between a hockey player
    and Polish woman?
 A: At least the hockey player changes his pads
    after 3 periods.

 Q: Do you know why the new football stadium
    they built in Warsaw could not be used?
 A: No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
 Q: Did you hear about the Polish gay guy?
 A: He sleeps with women.

From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
 Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
 A: Spits out the feathers.

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
 Q: What do you call a Pole with 1500 girlfriends?
 A: A shepherd.

 Q: How do you break a Pole's finger?
 A: Hit him in the nose.

 Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
 A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

 Q: Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian?
 A: She loved men.

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............................From Animated Gif Archive.
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