Subj:     Russian Jokes
                 (Includes 30 jokes and articles, 03 1029,16,cf,wXT1a4,10)

Russia flag from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Fat Cat Art By Svetlana Petrova (S950)
.........................Russian Military Intelligence (S1029)
.........................Russian "Extrim Drive" Ad (S868)
.........................Russian Pees Vodka (S49, S467b)
........................."Putin on a Blitz" (SATIRE) - Video (S900d)
.........................Buying A Car In The Soviet Union (S490b)
.........................Black And White Leotards In Russia (S845)
.........................American Needed To Piss In Moscow (S158, DU)
.........................Russian Beer Ad #1 - Video (S506c)
.........................Russian Soldier Eats Bed (S244b, DU)
.........................Russian Beer Ad #2 - Video (S506c)
.........................A Weather Man Named Rudolf (S89, DU)
.........................Leningrad Cowboys-Red Army Choir-SWEET HOME ALABAMA (S586b)
.........................Diamonds In The Woodshed (DU)
.........................America's Got Talent (S631b)
.........................Brit, French And Russian View Painting (DU)
.........................Russian Fighter SU-30MK - Video (S689)
.........................Old Russian Joke (S426, DU)
.........................Politicians At Work - Russian Music Video (S797)
.........................Short Russian Jokes And Facts
............................Putin Tells Obama A Knock Knock Joke (S894)
............................Lena Pillars - Photo (S928)
............................Kalinin K-7 Russian Bomber (S640b)
............................Russian Shuttles Equipped w/Shotguns (S328, DU)
............................Russian Tunnel - Icy Driving (S534)
............................Russian Bribes (S277b, DU)
............................Only In Russia (S591b)

Alse see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Falling Cow'
         ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Mine Hires Three Workers'
         BEARS file   - 'Two Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
         BUTCHER file - 'Russian Woman Goes To The Butcher'
         CONDOM file  - 'US Sends Russia Condoms'
         DOG3 file    - 'USA And Russia In A Dog Fight'
         FACTS3 file  - 'The Astronaut Pen'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Six People Injured In Moscow'
......................- 'Russian Truck Driver Drown In Beer'
......................- 'Underwear Factory In Russia'
         MOVIES2 file - 'America's Got Talent - Russian Bar Trio' - Video
.........PENIS3 file  - 'Penis Frozen to Shed'
......................- 'The "First" Wive's Penis Names'
         RIDDLE file  - 'Nationality Riddle'
         SEX3 file    - 'Russian Tries For Sex Record'
         SLOGANS/PROVB- 'Russian Proverb'

Subj:     Fat Cat Art By Svetlana Petrova (S950)
          From: Charlene Sward McNally on Facebook
 Source: http://beautifuldecay.com/2014/06/06/svetlana-
 Russian artist Svetlana Petrova renders classic paintings,
 modified to include her very large, fat cat. In this wonderful
 painting, she has taken Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence
 of Memory' from 1931 and added three appropriate fat cats.
Subj:     Russian Military Intelligence (S1029)
          From AFine963 on 10/1/2016

 The commanding officer at the Russian military academy
 (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a
 lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy."
 At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any

 An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third
 world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

 The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

 Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

 The general replied, "All indications point to China."

 Everyone in the audience was shocked.

 A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of
 only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese.
 Can we win at all, or even survive?"

 The general answered, "Just think about this for a
 moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of
 soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's
 capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have
 had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought
 against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always

 After a small pause, yet another officer - from the
 back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

Subj:     Russian "Extrim Drive" Ad (S868d)
          From: darrelldre on 8/25/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rv7dGhj5UlA

 This is a very beautiful Russian ad featuring ice skaters
 and cars on ice. It appears to be for FACY, a free iphone
 and android app.  FACY will tell you who are the people
 around you.  Since I don't speak Russian, I may be wrong.

 Click 'HERE' to see this exquisitely lovely advertisement.

Subj:     Russian Pees Vodka (S49, S467b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-01-07
      and From: Bartend-JOTD on 12/28/2005

 A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks
 a bottle laying in the street.  Suddenly out of the bottle
 comes a Genie.  The Russian is stunned and the Genie says,
 "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

 The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
 vodka."  Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka
 whenever I want, so make me pee vodka."  The Genie grants
 him his wish.

 When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cup-
 board and pisses in it.  He looks in the glass and it's
 clear.  Looks like vodka.  He smells the liquid.  Smells
 like vodka.  So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka
 he has ever tasted.  The Russian yells to his wife,
 "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"  She comes running down
 the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the
 cupboard and pisses into it.  He tells her to drink, it is
 vodka.  Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a
 sip.  It is the best vodka she has ever tasted.  The two
 drink and party all night.

 The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
 his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.  He
 proceeds to pee in the two glasses.  The result is the
 same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until
 the sun comes up.

 Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and
 tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard
 and we will drink vodka."  His wife gets the glass from
 the cupboard and sets it on the table.  The Russian begins
 to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks
 him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris
 raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you
 drink from the bottle."

Subj:     "Putin on a Blitz" (SATIRE) (S900d)
          Written by Capitol Steps
          Posted by HerBunk
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/qE00rxNONLw

 Vladimir Putin sings about his successes in dealing with
 President Obama. 'Putin on a Blitz' was written and
 performed by the Capitol Steps.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this witty, cute video.

Subj:     Buying A Car In The Soviet Union (S490b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/9/2006

 Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to
 get a car after you paid for one.

 Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car.
 He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.

 "It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

 The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped,
 turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the
 morning or at the afternnon".

 "What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.

 "Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

Subj:     Black And White Leotards In Russia (S845d)
          From: tom on 3/21/2013
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: https://www.youtube.com/embed/LP3w-oJjH8I
 Source2: http://now.msn.com/black-and-

 Oh, Russia, where would the Internet be without you?
 This viral clip of the hypnotic moves created by these
 funny girls in black-and white tights and leotards
 shows there's no limit to the fun that can be had with
 some goofy sunglasses and an open stage. Watch and see
 for yourself the confusion that ensues. Whose leg is
 whose?! Where are all these limbs coming from?! Have
 you ever seen such a sight in your life?

 Click 'HERE' to see this stage act which confuses your mind.

Subj:     American Needed To Piss In Moscow (S158, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 02/07/2000

 An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to
 take a leak very badly.  After a long search he just
 couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself.  So he just
 went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

 Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer
 said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

 "I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

 "You can't go here.  Look, follow me," the policeman

 The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots
 of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here,"
 said the cop, "whiz away."

 The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on
 the flowers.  "Ahhh. Whew.  Thanks.  This is very nice
 of you.  Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

 "No.  This is the American Embassy."

Subj:     Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c,d)
          From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/h1c1hZio-mA

 Click 'HERE' to see this short, cute, hot Russian commercial.

Subj:     Russian Soldier Eats Bed (S244b, DU)
          From: jerry on 10/2/2001

 Bonehead award two goes to a Russian army soldier who ate
 half of his bed in the hope of getting out of the army.  A
 week after his hungry man meal he needed surgery after
 falling ill.  19 metal hooks, among other metal items,
 had to be removed from various sections of his digestive

 While he may now get out of the army, he will probably be
 charged with trying to get out of the army and for
 damaging state property.

 Pravda 27-Sep-01

Subj:     Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c,d)
          From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/-6w71XVtRj0

 Click 'HERE'. for my copy, to see this Russian Beer
 Commercial (Blonde Arm Wrestler).

Subj:     A Weather Man Named Rudolf (S89, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #245 on 98-10-13
      and From: scott_pryor on 98-12-20

 He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts
 of the Russian weather conditions.  His people loved him
 and respected him for his faultless foresight.  He was
 particularly good at predicting rain.  One night, despite
 clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00 PM news
 broadcast that a violent storm was approaching.  It would
 flood the town in which he and his wife lived.  He warned
 the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the

 After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met
 him at the door and started arguing with him that his
 weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had
 ever heard.  This time, she said, he had made a terrible
 mistake.  There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of
 the village.  As a matter of fact, that day had been the
 most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was
 quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to

 He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him.  If he
 said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN.  He had
 all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he
 was talking about.  She argued that although he came from
 a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

 They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they
 went to bed mad at each other.

 During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms
 hit the village the likes of which they had never seen.
 That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked
 out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that

 "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
 His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true.
 But I want to  know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
 To which he replied,  ...

 ... "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Subj:     Leningrad Cowboys And Red Army Choir
          Singing SWEET HOME ALABAMA (S586b, S874d)
          From: rfslick on 4/13/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Jrg0X9H6FGU

 Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the Soviet Red
 Army had an official choir composed of male soldiers and
 musicians.  It still exists.  The Red Army Choir performs
 throughout Russia to this day.

 Now consider the Finnish rock band called The Leningrad
 Cowboys.  A little while ago, they held a concert in
 Russia, in which - to the screaming applause of Russian
 teenagers - they got the Red Army Choir to join them on
 stage for a performance of  'Sweet Home Alabama.'  In
 English!  You couldn't make this up!

 You can view this amazing concert by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Diamonds In The Woodshed
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #84 on 98-04-06

 Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.

 The phone rings at KGB headquarters.


 "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State.  He
 is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."

 "This will be noted."

 The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house.
 They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break
 every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz,
 and leave.

 The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.  "Hello, Yankel!
 Did the KGB come?"


 "Did they chop your firewood?"

 "Yes, they did."

 "Okay, now it's your turn to call.  I need my vegetable
 patch plowed."

Subj:     America's Got Talent (S631b,d)
          From: tom
          on 2/5/2009 (in Movies_Etc-Supp2)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/nY4UxbG6iUA

 This 'Russian Bar Trio' is one of the most life-threatening
 acts ever performed on America's Got Talent.  Click 'HERE'
 to view it.

Subj:     Brit, French And Russian View Painting (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26

 A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
 of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

 "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They
 must be British."

 "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.  "They're naked, and
 so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

 "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they
 have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is
 paradise.  They are Russian."

Subj:     Russian Fighter SU-30MK (S689d)
          From: darrellvip on 3/30/10(in Plane-Supp)

 Russia now has best fighter plane in the world, SU-30UK
 Vectored Thrust with Canards.  As you watch this airplane,
 look at the canards moving along side of, and just below
 the canopy rail.  The "canards" are the Small wings forward
 of the main wings.  The smoke and contrails provide a sense
 of the actual flight path, sometimes in reverse direction.

 This video is of an in-flight demonstration flown by the
 Russian's 30MK fighter aircraft.  You will not believe what
 you are about to see.  The fighter can stall from high speed,
 stopping forward motion in seconds. (full stall).  Then it
 demonstrates an ability to descend tail first without causing
 a compressor stall.  It can also recover from a flat spin in
 less than a minute.  These maneuver capabilities don't exist
 in any other aircraft in the world today.  Take a look at the
 these two videos with the sound up.
Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuNd8tKm0UA
Photo from YouTube.com
 Click 'HERE' to see the first video of this amazing plane.
Source: (This YouTube account has been terminated)
Photo from EbaumsWorld.com
 No longer available.

Subj:     Old Russian Joke (S426, DU)
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-03-29

 A young couple was recently married and the wife was admiring
 the husband's very long eyelashes.  He told her that his
 mother had said that they were very long because he had cried
 so much when he was a child.

 "Better you should have peed more instead", the wife replied.

Subj:     Politicians At Work - Russian Music Video
          From: joelfallon on 4/21/2012 (S797d)
          (in Political-Supp2).........Photo from Google.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/4CYqw4s6XF8?rel=0

 I think you will laugh some but also wonder when you view
 the video.  It is a Russian production named "Deputaty"
 which translates to "Representatives."  The pictures speak
 a thousand words so you don't need to speak Russian.  Very
 little dignity among these political elites from various
 countries including ours.

 Click 'HERE' to see this all too true, political, music video.

Subj:     Short Russian Jokes And Facts

Subj:     Putin Tells Obama A Knock Knock Joke
          From: James Emerson on Facebook (S894d)
 Source: GrouchyOldCripple.com
 Click 'HERE' to see this funny, but all to real, joke.

Subj:     Lena Pillars - Russia (S928)
          From: AFine963 on 11/1/2014
 Source1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lena_Pillars
 Source2: http://russiatrek.org/blog/nature/lena-
 Lena Pillars is the name given to a natural rock formation
 along the banks of the Lena River in far eastern Siberia.
 The pillars are 150300 metres (490980 ft) high.

Subj:     Kalinin K-7 Russian Bomber (S640b,d)
          From: lubin100 on 4/13/2009
 Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalinin_K-7
In 1930s the Russian army
was obsessed with the idea
of creating huge planes.
 Photo from Wikipedia.org
 Click 'HERE' to read this fascinating article with
 pictures about this amazing plane.

Subj:     Russian Shuttles Equipped w/Shotguns (S328, DU)
          From: jerry on 5/5/2003

 Because of an apparent tendency for Russian spacecraft
 to return to earth, sometimes 2,000 miles from the
 targeted landing site, and most recently 300 miles off
 course, all Russian spacecraft since 1965 are equipped
 with sawed-off shotguns.  It's not to protect them from
 space aliens but rather to protect them from hungry
 animals that may threaten the cosmonauts while they
 wait, maybe days, to be found as happened in 1965 when
 cosmonauts were threatened by packs of hungry wolves.

 CNN 5-May-03

Subj:     Russian Tunnel - Icy Driving (S534d)
          From: jbcary1 on 4/11/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/PbMO94od8qA

 This 1,900 KB video shows a tunnel in Russia.  It is the
 longest in-city tunnel of Europe. There is a river running
 over it and water leaks at some points. When the temperature
 reaches minus 38 degrees like it did this particular winter,
 the road freezes and the result is the attached video taken
 during A SINGLE DAY with the tunnel camera.  Congratulations
 to the driving skill of the dual bus driver...Note that a
 couple of truckers were not so lucky.  This is better than
 turn 4 at Daytona.  You can view this video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Russian Bribes (S277b, DU)
          From: jerry on 5/23/2002

 The Moscow Times reports that Russians spend a staggering
 $36 billion a year in bribes and unofficial charges, which
 accounts for 12 percent of the gross domestic product.  A
 figure that is conservative according to the paper.

 The Moscow Times 22-May-02

Subj:     Only In Russia - PPS (S591b)
          From: ginafm on 5/14/2008
 This 1,400 KB PowerPoint Show is a set of pictures
 which are uniquely Russian.  Click 'HERE' to see them.

 In Russian, a worker goes to buy a new car.  The salesman
 tells him that he can pick it up in ten years.  The worker
 asks what time after ten years can he pick it up.  The
 salesman, surprised, asks "In ten years, what does it
 matter?", to which the worker responds, "I have to know,
 the plumber is coming over that morning."

 Ten percent of the Russian government's income
 comes from the sale of vodka.

From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
 The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

From: dogbyte on 5/1/2002 (S274d)
 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square.  One
 of them says, "By the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"

 "No," replies the other, "I didn't even know he'd been

 Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb.
 A: None!  They already glow in the dark.

 Q. What's the difference between a LADA (small Russian car)
    and a sheep?
 A. It's more embarrassing if you're caught getting out the
    back of a LADA.

                           -(o o)-
............................Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy f/FeebleMinds-Gifs.com