Subj: Scottish Jokes
(Includes 41 jokes and articles, 27 1003,13,cf,wXT3,10)
Also see BALLS file - 'Woman
Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
CANADIAN - 'American, Scot And Canadian Die'
DENTIST file - 'Scotsman Goes To The Dentist'
ENGLISHMN-SUP- 'Chewin The Fat - Ladder Accident' - Video
GOLF2 file - 'Three Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
GOLF-SUPP - 'Robin William Jokes About Golf'
IRISH file - 'Englishman, Scotsman, And An Irishman In A Bar'
......................- 'An Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
ITALIAN file - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
NUNS1 file - 'Two Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog'
PENIS2 file - 'Cutting Off A Husband's Dick'
TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Peter Pan Proposes To Wendy' - Video
Subj: Johnnie Walker Story (S1003)
From: AFine963 on 3/25/2016
..........Click 'HERE' to learn about the man
.................who walked around the world.
Subj: Scotsman's Frugality (S188)
A Scotsman was arguing with a
conductor as to whether the
fare was 75 or 85 cents. Finally the disgusted conductor
picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the
train, just as they passed over a bridge.
The suitcase landed with a splash.
"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman,
"isn't it enough that you
try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my
Billy Connolly on Christians and Christian Rock (S873d)
From: YouTube.com on 9/27/2013
This video is from 'Was it Something
I Said' concert film,
live from Australia. Click 'HERE' to see and hear Billy's
thoughts on Christians.
Subj: Going To College In England (S119)
From: smiles on 5/14/99
Donald MacDonald from the Isle
of Skye went to study at an
English university and was living in the hall of residence
with all the other students there. After he had been there
a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're
such terrible, noisy people.
The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and
won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams
"Oh Donald! How do you
manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing.
I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
*P.S. If you ever heard someone
who CANT play the bagpipes,
then you will understand that joke!
The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics (S825d)
From: kgilmour2000 on 10/27/2012
The Drunken Scotsman song by
The Irish Rovers is similar to
an old favorite joke. Click 'HERE' to hear this song. It
will put a smile on your face.
Subj: A Penny For Your Thoughts (S272b, S719)
From: thebartend on 4/15/2002
A young Scottish lad and lass
were sitting on a low stone
wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several
minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps
it's aboot time for a
The girl blushed, then leaned
over and kissed him lightly
on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again
to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps
its noo aboot time for
a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned
over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she
again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps
its aboot time you let
me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took
his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
The young man glanced down with
a furled brow. "Well, noo,"
he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this
"Really?" said the girl in a
whisper, filled with
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in
shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think
it's aboot time ye paid me
the first three pennies?"
The Graham Norton Show - Kilt Roulette (S843d)
From: darrelldre on 3/9/2013
This video clip is from The Graham
Norton Show on BBC One.
The award-winning host brings the year to an end in Season
6 of his anarchic talk show. A lady named Sandra in the
audience is cured of her fear of men in kilts. Click on
'HERE' to see this very funny act you will never see on
north American TV.
Subj: Scotsman Washed Ashore On A Island (S69)
From: thebartend on 98-05-21
(Also see 'Golfer stranded on island' in GOLF1)
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and
finally washed ashore on a
small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he
sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She
asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och,
lassie, I havna' ittin a
bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods
and quickly comes back with
a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down,
she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made
me verra hungry and I wad
verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again
and returns with a bottle
of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is
beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad
nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Kilted Scotsman - Video (S494b,d)
From: darrell94590 on 7/13/2006
A funny, off-color 'Just For
Laughs' UK video. View it
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Illegal Scottish Drivers (S489c)
From: jerry on 6/6/2006
The "Serious Organised Crime
and Police Act 2005" in Scotland
gives police the authority to seize and crush the cars of
people driving without insurance or without a driver's license.
"The region's top police officer
said yesterday a "clear
message" is being sent to would-be offenders."
"Unlicensed and uninsured drivers
are a threat to all road
users, and we aim to remove that threat by removing their
means of transport," said Mr Vine.
"In other words, if they have
no licence, no insurance, then
soon they will have no car."
A brief pilot will be carried
out in Angus, but the chief
constable said, "There will be no period of grace. The law
is the law.
The Courier (Scotland) 6-Jun-06
Subj: Scottish Man Moves To America (S407b)
From: RickyDWyman on Nov. 16,2004
A Scottish man decides to move
away from home so he packs
up his possessions and bagpipe and immigrates to America.
In America he finds a nice apartment and settles down.
One day his mom calls and asks how he likes his new home.
He admits, "The neighbors are kind of strange. The man to
my left sits there and bangs his head against the wall all
day." His mom finds this strange and inquires further.
"Well, the woman to my right sits there and pulls at her
hair day break to sun set..." His mom is somewhat disturbed
and decides to change the subject.
"So, dear, what do you do?"
"Well, just the norm, I sit on
my Porch and play my bagpipe
Selling Toyota's In Scotland (S540d, S865)
From: darrell94590 on 5/18/2007
You can view this cute, commercial by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Scotsman And Jew In The Bathroom (S403b)
From: DafterLafter on 6/30/2004
Two friends, a Scotsman and a
Jew, are out drinking one
night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the
head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says
that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall.
The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my
pants up, I dropped a dime
into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in
the stall to look at the sad
sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the
Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into
"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.
And the Scotsman sez, "Och, Ya
donna think I'll stick my
hand in there for a mere dime?"
Scottish Breathaliser (S631c,d)
From: darrellvip on 2/6/2009
Click 'HERE' to see this dumb, cute video.
Subj: The Gleam In Your Eye (S259b)
From: thebartend on 1/17/2002
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows.
The girl looked at the guy and
shyly asked, "Would you like
to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further
and the girl said, "Would you
like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they
sat on a stump, the girl
looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all
the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp)
Yes! But how did you
know? By the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."
*Bartend note: After living in
Scotland for many years,
I can yell ya, after a few pints the Kilt hides nothing! *G*
Subj: Sewing On A Button (S187)
From: thebartend on 08/28/2000
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes
to the little lady of the house
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats
come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands
in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's
a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody
nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him
and says "My god, what in hells
name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her
to sew on the wee button an she
did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite
off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
Scottish Colonoscopy (S646, S797d)
From: rfslick on 5/22/2009
Billy Connolly describing the
prep for a colonoscopy.
Click 'HERE' to see the funniest thing ever. It's
middle school type humor, but very funny.
Subj: Scottish Boy's First Kilts (S165, S364b)
From: thebartend on 2/23/00 and 1/15/2004
In Scotland, the most important
time for a young lad is when
he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his
A couple of weeks before his
important birthday, a young lad
went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for
his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said,
"I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and,
if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching
underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material
and promised to call the
young lad when the order was completed. A few days later
the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye
matching underwear, and here's
five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take
it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his
order, threw the material in
his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided
to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered
the door, he pointed to his kilt
and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll
really like what's underneath,"
he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't
have his underwear on he
exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got
five more yards of it at home!"
Subj: The Picture 'The Scottish Piper' (S379b)
From: jbcary1 on 5/3/2004
Subj: Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy (S111, S791)
From: JCary on 99-03-11
and From: virv on 3/12/2012
His name was Fleming, and he
was a poor Scottish farmer.
One day, while trying to eke out a living for his family,
he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He
dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his
waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the
lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage
pulled up to the Scotsman's
sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped
out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer
Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman.
"You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for
what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the
At that moment, the farmer's
own son came to the door of
the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal . Let me
take him and give him a
good education. If the lad is anything like his father,
he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."
And that he did. In time,
Farmer Fleming's son graduated
from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and
went on to become known throughout the world as the noted
Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the nobleman's
son was stricken with
pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman?
Lord Randolph Churchill. His
son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said what goes around
comes around. When
you help someone else you are bringing joy into your life
The above wonderful story is
just an urban legend as verified
by Snopes.com at http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp
Subj: Scotsman Attends Baseball Game (S329b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
and From: auntiegah on 5/21/2003
(Also see 'Queen Of England Watches Baseball' in BASEBALL)
A recent Scottish immigrant attends
his first baseball
game in his new country and after a base hit he hears
the fans roaring, "Run.....run!"
The next batter connects heavily
with the ball and the
Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick
accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run, will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and
again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams,
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-r-run, will ya!"
The next batter held his swing
at 3 and 2 and as the ump
calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling, "R-r-run ya
All the surrounding fans giggle
quietly and he sits down
confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment
whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got 4 balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman
stands up in disbelief
and screams, "Walk with pr-r-r-ide, ya lucky lad!"
Scottish Voice Operated Lift (S752d)
From: darrellvip on 6/14/2011
Burnistoun is a sketch show for
BBC Scotland by the Scottish
comedians Iain Connell and Robert Florence. It looks at what
might happen if computers don't understand us? Could we get
caught inside an elevator? Click 'HERE' to see BBC Scotland's
brand of comedic hijinks.
Subj: On The Road To Inverness (DU)
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
One misty Scottish morning a
man was driving through the
hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-
haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The
man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe.
He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and
near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and
a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands
a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion ...
heart-stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged
from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and
drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate".
"But ... " stammers the driver...
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you!"
So the driver turns his back
on the girl, drops his trousers
and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the
roadside this only takes a few seconds.
"Right," says the highlander "Do it again!"
"But ..." says the driver.
So the driver does it again.
"Do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The driver has cramps
in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the
mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap
on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore - you'll
just have to kill me,"
whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at
the pathetic heap slumped on
"All right," he says, "NOW you
can give my daughter a lift
Subj: The Story Of Scotland (S186)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
In the beginning when God was
creating the world, He was
sitting on a cloud, telling his pal, the Arch Angel Gabriel,
what he planned for Scotland.
"Gabby," says He, "I'm going
to give this place high majestic
mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with
salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured
nectar can be made, green lush, spectacular golf courses, coal
in the ground, oil under the sea......."
"Hold up! Hold up!" interjected
the bold Gabriel. "Are'nt you
being too generous to these Scots?"
Back came the Almighty's reply,
"Not really. Wait until you
see the fucking neighbours I'm giving them!"
Subj: Short Scottish Jokes
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S853)
By Dan Piraro on 7/3/2008
Irishman And Scotsman Difference (S525b)
From: LablaughsClean on 2/1/2007
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Cute American Visits Scotland (S381b)
From: mrx on 5/18/2004
A cute American tourist was in Scotland for the first time
in her young life, and saw her first Scotsman in a kilt.
Being a very self-assured young
woman, she approached him
and said "I've always wondered. What does a Scotsman wear
under his kilt?"
He replied solumnly "A'm a mon
o' few werrds, lassie. Gi' me
The Water Wheel - PPS (S584 in Engineering1)
From: ginafm on 3/29/2008
A Scotsman goes into a pub and
orders a mineral water. He
drinks it, and goes into the restroom, jacking off. Coming
back he revels "What a great life - champaigne and women."
From: ipkis on 97-07-24
Two Scottish lasses are having their picture taken with an
old tripod camera with the drape hood behind it.
The photographer goes under the hood to set up the camera,
and the one lass asks the other: 'What's he doin' under there?'.
The other lass answers: 'He's goin' to focus...'
To which the lass replies: 'You mean the both of us!'
From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
Following the "American Heritage" parade in Columbia Maryland,
there was a reception for all the participants. This young
Yuppette went up to one of the men who had marched in full
Scottish regalia and said, "Excuse my bluntness, but I've
just got to know, is anything worn under your kilt ?"
"Nay, lassie," he replied with
a wide grin, "It's as good
as it ever was.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26
My mother, who is Scottish born and bred, loves torturing
Americans [ed. note: don't we all? :-)]
Invariably, when she speaks,
they ALWAYS say, "Ooh, I love
the way you roll your R's."
To which she replies tartly, "Thanks, it's my high heels."
Most of them just smile and have no clue.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28
A Scot and an Englishman are removing wall paper.
What processes are they involved in?
The Englishman is renovating...the Scot is moving.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/5/2005
(S440b - golf3)
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
Q: What do the Rolling Stones and a Scottsman
have in common? (S06)
A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
The Scottsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."
from BEN'S JOKE PAGE
Q: Why do Scotsmen have thin
A: Because they are such tight fisted wankers.
Q: Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile off.
Q: What's the difference between
a scottish woman and a sheep
A: The scottish woman is fuzzier, but the sheep get laid more.
Q: What is the ice-cream of choice
in Scottish schools ?
A: A Magnum.
Q: What's the definition of a
A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
Q: Hear about the two Scottish
A: Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis
..............................Bagpipes from Smiley_Central.