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Subj:     Scottish Jokes
                 (Includes 41 jokes and articles, 27 1003,13,cf,wXT3,10)

Bagpiper from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Johnnie Walker Story (S1003)
.........................Scotsman's Frugality (S188)
.........................Billy Connolly on Christians and Christian Rock -Vid(S873)
.........................Going To College In England (S119)
.........................The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics - Video/Song (S825)
.........................A Penny For Your Thoughts (S272b, S719)
.........................The Graham Norton Show - Kilt Roulette - Video (S843)
.........................Scotsman Washed Ashore On A Island (S69)
.........................Kilted Scotsman - Video (S494b)
.........................Illegal Scottish Drivers (S489c)
.........................Scottish Man Moves To America (S407b)
.........................Selling Toyota's In Scotland - Video (S540, S865)
.........................Scotsman And Jew In The Bathroom (S403b)
.........................Scottish Breathaliser - Video (S631c)
.........................The Gleam In Your Eye (S259b)
.........................Sewing On A Button (S187)
.........................Scottish Colonoscopy - Video (S646, S797)
.........................Scottish Boy's First Kilts (S165, S364b)
.........................The Picture 'The Scottish Piper' (S379b
.........................Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy (S111, S791)
.........................Scotsman Attends Baseball Game (S329b)
.........................Scottish Voice Operated Lift - Video (S752)
.........................On The Road To Inverness (DU)
.........................The Story Of Scotland (S186))
.........................Short Scottish Jokes
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S853)
..............................Irishman And Scotsman Difference (S525b)
..............................Cute American Visits Scotland (S381b)
..............................The Water Wheel - PPS (S584)
..............................Rolling Stones Joke (S06)

Also see BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
         CANADIAN     - 'American, Scot And Canadian Die'
         DENTIST file - 'Scotsman Goes To The Dentist'
         ENGLISHMN-SUP- 'Chewin The Fat - Ladder Accident' - Video
         GOLF2 file   - 'Three Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'Robin William Jokes About Golf'
         IRISH file   - 'Englishman, Scotsman, And An Irishman In A Bar'
......................- 'An Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
         ITALIAN file - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Two Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Cutting Off A Husband's Dick'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Peter Pan Proposes To Wendy' - Video

============================================================Top
Subj:     Johnnie Walker Story (S1003)
          From: AFine963 on 3/25/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MnSIp76CvUI
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..........Click 'HERE' to learn about the man
.................who walked around the world.
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Top
Subj:     Scotsman's Frugality (S188)

 A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor as to whether the
 fare was 75 or 85 cents.  Finally the disgusted conductor
 picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the
 train, just as they passed over a bridge.

 The suitcase landed with a splash.

 "Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you
 try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my
 little boy!"

Top
Subj:     Billy Connolly on Christians and Christian Rock (S873d)
          From: YouTube.com on 9/27/2013
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/2-WJO0YQLOs

 This video is from 'Was it Something I Said' concert film,
 live from Australia.  Click 'HERE' to see and hear Billy's
 thoughts on Christians.

Top
Subj:     Going To College In England (S119)
          From: smiles on 5/14/99

 Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an
 English university and was living in the hall of residence
 with all the other students there. After he had been there
 a month, his mother came to visit him.

 "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

 "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.
 The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and
 won't stop.  The one on the other side screams and screams
 all night."

 "Oh Donald!  How do you manage to put up with these awful
 noisy English neighbors?"

 "Mother, I do nothing.  I just ignore them.  I just stay here
  quietly, playing my bagpipes."

 *P.S. If you ever heard someone who CANT play the bagpipes,
 then you will understand that joke!

Top
Subj:     The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics (S825d)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 10/27/2012
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/MZ35SOU9HTM
 (See 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum' in Balls)

 The Drunken Scotsman song by The Irish Rovers is similar to
 an old favorite joke.  Click 'HERE' to hear this song. It
 will put a smile on your face.

Top
Subj:     A Penny For Your Thoughts (S272b, S719)
          From: thebartend on 4/15/2002

 A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone
 wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.  For several
 minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at
 the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a
 wee kiss."

 The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly
 on the cheek.  Then he blushed.  The two turned once again
 to gaze out over the loch.  Minutes passed, then the girl
 spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for
 a wee cuddle."

 The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
 few seconds.  Then he blushed.  Then the two turned once
 again to gaze out over the loch.  After a while, she
 again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let
 me pewt ma hand on yer leg."  The girl blushed, then took
 his hand and put it on her knee.  Then he blushed.  Then
 the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
 the girl spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts,
 Angus."

 The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo,"
 he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this
 time."

 "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
 anticipation.

 "Aye," said the lad, nodding.  The girl looked away in
 shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
 of the ultimate request.

 And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me
 the first three pennies?"

Top
Subj:     The Graham Norton Show - Kilt Roulette (S843d)
          From: darrelldre on 3/9/2013
..........At: https://www.youtube.com/embed/Ops26WODvVc

 This video clip is from The Graham Norton Show on BBC One.
 The award-winning host brings the year to an end in Season
 6 of his anarchic talk show.  A lady named Sandra in the
 audience is cured of her fear of men in kilts.  Click on
 'HERE' to see this very funny act you will never see on
 north American TV.

Top
Subj:     Scotsman Washed Ashore On A Island (S69)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-21
 (Also see 'Golfer stranded on island' in GOLF1)

 A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a
 small island.  As he regains consciousness on the beach, he
 sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him.  She
 asks, "Would you like some food?"

 The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a
 bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

 She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with
 a heaping helping of haggis.  When he has choked it down,
 she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

 "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad
 verra much like a drink!"

 She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle
 of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.  The Scotsman is
 beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad
 nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

 "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

Top
Subj:     Kilted Scotsman - Video (S494b,d) 
          From: darrell94590 on 7/13/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/FUznnJSCDKc

 A funny, off-color 'Just For Laughs' UK video.  View it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Illegal Scottish Drivers (S489c)
          From: jerry on 6/6/2006

 The "Serious Organised Crime and Police Act 2005" in Scotland
 gives police the authority to seize and crush the cars of
 people driving without insurance or without a driver's license.

 "The region's top police officer said yesterday a "clear
 message" is being sent to would-be offenders."

 "Unlicensed and uninsured drivers are a threat to all road
 users, and we aim to remove that threat by removing their
 means of transport," said Mr Vine.

 "In other words, if they have no licence, no insurance, then
 soon they will have no car."

 A brief pilot will be carried out in Angus, but the chief
 constable said, "There will be no period of grace.  The law
 is the law.

 The Courier (Scotland) 6-Jun-06

Top
Subj:     Scottish Man Moves To America (S407b)
          From: RickyDWyman on Nov. 16,2004

 A Scottish man decides to move away from home so he packs
 up his possessions and bagpipe and immigrates to America.
 In America he finds a nice apartment and settles down.
 One day his mom calls and asks how he likes his new home.
 He admits, "The neighbors are kind of strange.  The man to
 my left sits there and bangs his head against the wall all
 day."  His mom finds this strange and inquires further.
 "Well, the woman to my right sits there and pulls at her
 hair day break to sun set..."  His mom is somewhat disturbed
 and decides to change the subject.

 "So, dear, what do you do?"

 "Well, just the norm, I sit on my Porch and play my bagpipe
 all day..."

Top
Subj:     Selling Toyota's In Scotland (S540d, S865)
          From: darrell94590 on 5/18/2007
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/bwNRC6hV5Vo

 You can view this cute, commercial by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Scotsman And Jew In The Bathroom (S403b)
          From: DafterLafter on 6/30/2004

 Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one
 night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the
 head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says
 that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall.
 The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew
 says "Damn!"

 "What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.

 "Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime
 into the toilet."

 The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad
 sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the
 Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into
 the toilet.

 "What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.

 And the Scotsman sez, "Och, Ya donna think I'll stick my
 hand in there for a mere dime?"

Top
Subj:     Scottish Breathaliser (S631c,d)
          From: darrellvip on 2/6/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/DNdeLiV9Jz8

  Click 'HERE' to see this dumb, cute video.

Top
Subj:     The Gleam In Your Eye (S259b)
          From: thebartend on 1/17/2002

 A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows.

 The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like
 to hold my hand?"

 "Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

 She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

 They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you
 like to kiss me?"

 "Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

 She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

 As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl
 looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all
 the way with me?"

 "Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes!  But how did you
 know? By the gleam in my eye?"

 "No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

 *Bartend note: After living in Scotland for many years,
 I can yell ya, after a few pints the Kilt hides nothing! *G*

Top
Subj:     Sewing On A Button (S187)
          From: thebartend on 08/28/2000

 Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
 exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats
 come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "

 "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
 and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

 About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
 of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
 Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody
 nose comes Angus.

 The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells
 name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

 "Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she
 did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite
 off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

Top
Subj:     Scottish Colonoscopy (S646, S797d)
          From: rfslick on 5/22/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/l1enmyAmpik
 (See 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song' in Doctor1,
      'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy' in Hospital1,
......'Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam' in Quotes-Comed-Supp,
  and 'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in Doctor-supp)

 Billy Connolly describing the prep for a colonoscopy.
 Click 'HERE' to see the funniest thing ever.  It's
 middle school type humor, but very funny.

Top
Subj:     Scottish Boy's First Kilts (S165, S364b)
          From: thebartend on 2/23/00 and 1/15/2004

 In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when
 he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his
 first kilt.

 A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad
 went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for
 his first kilt.  He took the material to the tailor and said,
 "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and,
 if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching
 underwear for it.  I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

 So the tailor took the material and promised to call the
 young lad when the order was completed.  A few days later
 the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

 "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's
 five yards of the material left over.  Ye might want to take
 it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

 So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in
 his room, and donned his kilt.  In his excitement, he decided
 to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
 Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

 When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt
 and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

 "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

 "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath,"
 he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

 "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

 Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he
 exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got
 five more yards of it at home!"

Top
Subj:     The Picture 'The Scottish Piper' (S379b)
          From: jbcary1 on 5/3/2004
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Top
Subj:     Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy (S111, S791)
          From: JCary on 99-03-11
      and From: virv on 3/12/2012

 His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.
 One day, while trying to eke out a living for his family,
 he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog.  He
 dropped his tools and ran to the bog.  There, mired to his
 waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
 struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the
 lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

 The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's
 sparse surroundings.  An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped
 out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer
 Fleming had saved.  "I want to repay you," said the nobleman.
 "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for
 what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the
 offer.

 At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of
 the family hovel.  "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
 "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

 "I'll make you a deal . Let me take him and give him a
 good education.  If the lad is anything like his father,
 he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."

 And that he did.  In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated
 from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and
 went on to become known throughout the world as the noted
 Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

 Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with
 pneumonia.  What saved him?  Penicillin.

 The name of the nobleman?  Lord Randolph Churchill.  His
 son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

 Someone once said what goes around comes around.  When
 you help someone else you are bringing joy into your life
 also.....

 The above wonderful story is just an urban legend as verified
 by Snopes.com at http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp

Top
Subj:     Scotsman Attends Baseball Game (S329b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
      and From: auntiegah on 5/21/2003
 (Also see 'Queen Of England Watches Baseball' in BASEBALL)

 A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball
 game in his new country and after a base hit he hears
 the fans roaring, "Run.....run!"

 The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the
 Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick
 accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run, will ya!"

 A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman,
 obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams,
 "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-r-run, will ya!"

 The next batter held his swing at 3 and 2 and as the ump
 calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling, "R-r-run ya
 bahstard, r-r-run"!

 All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down
 confused.  A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment
 whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got 4 balls."

 After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief
 and screams, "Walk with pr-r-r-ide, ya lucky lad!"

Top
Subj:     Scottish Voice Operated Lift (S752d)
          From: darrellvip on 6/14/2011
 Souece1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/sAz_UvnUeuU
 Source2: http://singularityhub.com/2010/04/22/hilarious-
..........video-on-the-perils-of-voice-recognition-elevators/

 Burnistoun is a sketch show for BBC Scotland by the Scottish
 comedians Iain Connell and Robert Florence.  It looks at what
 might happen if computers don't understand us?  Could we get
 caught inside an elevator?  Click 'HERE' to see BBC Scotland's
 brand of comedic hijinks.

Top
Subj:     On The Road To Inverness (DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-08-22

 One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the
 hills to Inverness.  Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-
 haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.  The
 man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe.
 He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and
 near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and
 a tweed shirt.

 At the roadside there also stands a young women.  She is
 absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion ...
 heart-stopping.  The car driver's attention is dragged
 from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and
 drags him from the seat onto the road.

 "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate".

 "But ... " stammers the driver...

 "Now ... or I'll bloody kill you!"

 So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers
 and starts to masturbate.  Thinking of the girl on the
 roadside this only takes a few seconds.

 "Right," says the highlander "Do it again!"

 "But ..." says the driver.

 "Now!"

 So the driver does it again.

 "Do it again!" demands the highlander.

 This goes on for nearly two hours.  The driver has cramps
 in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the
 mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap
 on the ground, unable to walk.

 "Do it again!" says the highlander.

 "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me,"
 whimpers the man.

 The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on
 the roadside.

 "All right," he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift
 to Inverness."

Top
Subj:     The Story Of Scotland (S186)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191

 In the beginning when God was creating the world, He was
 sitting on a cloud, telling his pal, the Arch Angel Gabriel,
 what he planned for Scotland.

 "Gabby," says He, "I'm going to give this place high majestic
 mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with
 salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured
 nectar can be made, green lush, spectacular golf courses, coal
 in the ground, oil under the sea......."

 "Hold up! Hold up!" interjected the bold Gabriel.  "Are'nt you
 being too generous to these Scots?"

 Back came the Almighty's reply, "Not really.  Wait until you
 see the fucking neighbours I'm giving them!"


Subj:     Short Scottish Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S853)
          By Dan Piraro on 7/3/2008
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/july-3-2008/
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Top
Subj:     Irishman And Scotsman Difference (S525b)
          From: LablaughsClean on 2/1/2007
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cute animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Cute American Visits Scotland (S381b)
          From: mrx on 5/18/2004
 A cute American tourist was in Scotland for the first time
 in her young life, and saw her first Scotsman in a kilt.

 Being a very self-assured young woman, she approached him
 and said "I've always wondered.  What does a Scotsman wear
 under his kilt?"

 He replied solumnly "A'm a mon o' few werrds, lassie. Gi' me
 yurr hand!"
 

Top
Subj:     The Water Wheel - PPS (S584 in Engineering1)
          From: ginafm on 3/29/2008
 This connection between two canals in Scotland is an engineering
 marvel.  You can see this PowerPoint Show by clicking 'HERE'.
 

 A Scotsman goes into a pub and orders a mineral water. He
 drinks it, and goes into the restroom, jacking off.  Coming
 back he revels "What a great life - champaigne and women."

From: ipkis on 97-07-24
 Two Scottish lasses are having their picture taken with an
 old tripod camera with the drape hood behind it.
 The photographer goes under the hood to set up the camera,
 and the one lass asks the other: 'What's he doin' under there?'.
 The other lass answers: 'He's goin' to focus...'
 To which the lass replies: 'You mean the both of us!'

From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
 Following the "American Heritage" parade in Columbia Maryland,
 there was a reception for all the participants.  This young
 Yuppette went up to one of the men who had marched in full
 Scottish regalia and said, "Excuse my bluntness, but I've
 just got to know, is anything worn under your kilt ?"

 "Nay, lassie," he replied with a wide grin, "It's as good
 as it ever was.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26
 My mother, who is Scottish born and bred, loves torturing
 Americans [ed. note: don't we all? :-)]

 Invariably, when she speaks, they ALWAYS say, "Ooh, I love
 the way you roll your R's."

 To which she replies tartly, "Thanks, it's my high heels."

 Most of them just smile and have no clue.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28
 A Scot and an Englishman are removing wall paper.
 What processes are they involved in?

 The Englishman is renovating...the Scot is moving.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/5/2005 (S440b - golf3)
 In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
 Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
 GOLF entered into the English language.
 

Top
 Q: What do the Rolling Stones and a Scottsman
    have in common? (S06)
 A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
    The Scottsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."
    from BEN'S JOKE PAGE
         bs105@york.ac.uk

 Q: Why do Scotsmen have thin long dicks?
 A: Because they are such tight fisted wankers.

 Q: Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
 A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile off.

 Q: What's the difference between a scottish woman and a sheep
 A: The scottish woman is fuzzier, but the sheep get laid more.

 Q: What is the ice-cream of choice in Scottish schools ?
 A: A Magnum.

 Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
 A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.

 Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
 A: To get away from the noise.

 Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
 A: Two bagpipers.

 Q: Hear about the two Scottish queers?
 A: Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis

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..............................Bagpipes from Smiley_Central.
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