Subj: Doctor-Supp Jokes (d3b)
(Includes 29 jokes and articles)
Doctor Studies Reflexes
WingSpan Fun Stuff
Prescription Pills (S520)
This 1,600 KB movie is a musical
about prescription pills.
It probablyn isn't worth a trip to the internet. You can
see it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Having Green Spots On Your Thighs (S534b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/14/2007
A woman goes to her doctor's
office, afraid of the strange
development, a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem
to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to
the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until
the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's
phone rings. Much to her
relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know
what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly
problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Subj: Laughter Is The Best Medicine (S448b)
From: LABLaughsClean20050819 on 8/19/2005
Anything that's become a cliche
can't possibly be a
groundbreaking medical secret. Such is the case with the
old saw, "Laughter is the best medicine." Everybody knows
this one, right? Of course, but it's still interesting when
science backs up the old sayings.
And according to an ABCNews.com
report from this past spring,
a new study has elevated the old laughter-as-medicine another
rung on the credibility ladder. Conducted by the University
of Maryland, the new research focused on the physiological
reactions of a group of test subjects to movies of various
The study group who watched a
funny movie experienced an
increase in blood flow in 95% of cases, while exactly the
opposite was true for those forced to watch a sobering or
sad movie - 74% of these experienced diminished blood flow.
In the "comedy" group, the circulatory benefits lasted 12
to 24 hours.
None of this surprises me, and
it shouldn't surprise you.
Think about it: When you laugh really hard at a something,
don't your cheeks get a little rosy? Most people's do.
That's all the evidence anyone should need that laughing
boosts circulation. It's literally written all over your
Presented at this past spring's
meeting of the American
College of Cardiology, the study points to a strong
correlation between laughter and circulatory/cardiovascular
health. Past studies have focused on laughter's
stress-relieving capabilities as a mechanism behind its
heart-healthy benefits. It all makes sense. Laughter does
all sorts of good things to us: It both reduces killer
stress AND improves blood flow. It also releases powerful,
painkilling endorphins into our blood.
Besides this, there's evidence
that laughing boosts immunity,
too. A 2000 study of medical students showed an increase in
T-cell (viral killers) activity in the blood while watching
humorous videotapes. Other research showed laughter to be
beneficial against heart arrhythmias.
The punch line is this: Whether
there's evidence proving it
or not, common sense tells us that laughing is good for us
on many levels. Do it long and often and you'll live longer
and healthier for it.
William Campbell Douglass II, MD
Subj: Eye Exam (S448)
From Comedy Central on 8/14/2005
A guy goes to his eye doctor
for an examination. They start
talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of
their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're
upsetting the other patients
in the waiting room."
Subj: Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes (S448)
From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005
Two medical students were walking
along the street when they
saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of
the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No,
I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned
Since they couldn't agree they
decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice
the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell
you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
The other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought
it was a fart...........
but I was wrong."
Subj: Having One Leg Shorter Than The Other (S440b)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
I have this friend who always
seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he
see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he
refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally
went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg
was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic
surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the
same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You
didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your
leg." He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."
Subj: Surgeon Checks On Blonde After Operation (S420b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/10/2005
A surgeon went to check on his
blonde patient after an
operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it
be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one
has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Subj: A Rushed Visit To The Gynecologist (S418)
From: jbcary1 on 1/27/2005
I was due for an appointment
with the gynecologist later
in the week. Early on Monday morning, I received a call
from his office to tell me that my appointment had been
rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 AM.
I had just packed everyone off
to work and school, and it
was already around 8:45 AM. Since the trip to his office
would take about 35 minutes, I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take
a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs,
threw off my pajamas, wet the wash-
cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least
I then threw the washcloth in
the hamper, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for
only a few minutes when I was
called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I
hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away.
I was a little surprised when
the doctor said, "My, we've
made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't
After the exam, I heaved a sigh
of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning,
cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter
was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy,
where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from
She replied, "No, I need the
one that was here by the sink,
it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Subj: Two Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse (S403b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
Two doctors were in a hospital
hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does every-
thing absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last
week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet
every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a
patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24
enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling
scream from down
the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just
realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Subj: Three Ill Men See The Doctor (S402)
From: DafterLafter on 7/23/2004
Three desperately ill men met
with their doctor one day to
discuss their options. There was an Alcoholic, one was a
Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three
of them, said, "If any of
you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely
die." The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that
he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway
for their return trip to
the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the
loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into
the bar, where he had a
shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass
on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken,
left the bar, realising
how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came
upon a cigarette butt lying
on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the
Chain-Smoker and said, "You
know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Subj: Little Bag Sees Doctor (S396b)
From: JokesUncut on 8/24/2004
A little paper bag was feeling
unwell, so he took himself
off to the doctor's.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said
the Doctor, "but I'll do a
blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in
a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no
better when he got back for
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the
little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that
- I'm just a little paper
"Well have you been sharing needles
with other intravenous
drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that
- I'm just a little paper
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently
and required a jab or
a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are
you in a homosexual
"NO! I told you I can't do things
like that, I'm just a
little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation."
said the doctor
"Your mother must have been a carrier..."
Subj: Man Wants To Live Longer (S394)
From: JokesUncut on 8/12/2004
A man goes to the doctor and
says, "Doc, I would like to
live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision,"
the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just
a bit of wine with my
meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on
a very strict diet.
You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no
dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried.
"Doc, is all this
"Do you want to live long?"
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary.
even think of breaking the diet." The man is
quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do
you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so...,
only with my wife!"
he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here
you are going to
buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc...
Are you sure I'm
going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever
you live, I assure
you is going to seem like an eternity!"
Subj: Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband (S388b)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/2/2004
(See 'Three Couples Seek Church Membership' in CHURCH
and see 'Sex at the freezer' in Marriage2)
An Irish woman "of a certain
age", visited her physician to
ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the
doctor. "Drop it into his coffee.
He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later, but what
she rang up the doctor, who
directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh,
faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?
The effect was almost immediate.
He jumped hisself straight up,
with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent
the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love
to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?", asked the
doctor. "Do you mean the sex was
"No, no, no, Doctor. The
sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best
sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again!"
Subj: UK Brain Surgeon Suspended (S386)
From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 6/14/2004
UK's National Health Services
(NHS), already struggling with
unreasonably long delays in providing necessary neurosurgery to
patients owing to a critical lack of available doctors, suspended
one of Britain's leading brain surgeons, Dr. Terence Hope, for
three days, pending a full investigation, because he took extra
croutons with his soup while in the hospital cafeteria.
Writes the London Telegraph "...every
so often a tale crops up
of such flaring, dazzling idiocy that the entire nation is
rendered quite breathless by it."
The NHS defends their action
saying that they treat doctors like
everyone else. But as the London Telegraph writes, "But, as most
members of the public easily understand, hospital doctors are not
just like anyone else: they work long and often inconvenient hours,
in testing circumstances, and if a doctor is regularly working
while exhausted or hungry it will have a more dramatic impact on
the general public than if, say, young Harriet at the Tesco's meat
counter is feeling a bit headachy after a night on the tiles."
[night on the tiles??]
He's been reinstated. Three surgeries were forced to be cancelled.
Daily Telegraph (UK) 28-Mar-04
Subj: Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating (S376)
From: thebartend on 4/12/2004
The mother of a 17-year-old girl
was concerned that her
daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might
become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the
whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk
to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter
was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and
handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and
reached over to hug her
mother, saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about
that! I'm dating Susan!"
Subj: Asking The Doctor If You'll Live To 80 (S342b, S521c)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
and From: allenbergmant on 1/12/07
I recently picked a new primary
care physician. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in
the sun, like playing golf?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive
fast cars, or
fool around with sexy women?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then
why do you give a shit
if you live to be 80?"
Subj: Three Texas Surgeons Brag (S318)
From: gomilpitas on 3/1/2003
Three Texas surgeons were playing
golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them
said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and
8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's
nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattched
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You
guys are amateurs. Several
years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode
a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a
cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
Subj: Patient Comments During Colonoscopies (S315, S511c)
From: pns on 2/8/2003
and From: JBCARY1 on 11/3/2006
A physician claims these are
actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where
no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left
hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that
my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Subj: The Mechanic And The Doctor (S315b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/8/2003
Jerry was removing some engine
valves from a car on the lift
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service
Jerry, who was somewhat of a
loud mouth, shouted across the
garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,
walked over to where
Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that
all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor,
look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put
in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr
like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you
and me are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed,
shook his head and replied in
a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine
Subj: More Short Doctor Jokes
Ophthalmology Cartoons (S558b)
From: jbcary1 on 9/25/2007
and From: WashingtonPost on 10/03/2007
Elderly See Doctor (S514b)
Subj: Abnormal Symptoms (S544c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2007
A successful businessman goes to the doctor to ask about
some abnormal symptoms. The doctor asks him, "What problems
are you experiencing ?"
The businessman tells the doctor,
"I'm terrified of driving
in dark places or with other people in the car."
The doctor thinks for a minute,
then states, "That's easy to
solve ... You have car-pool-tunnel syndrome."
Subj: Jewish Man Has Son Do Operation (S397)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting
surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your
best and just remember, if it
doesn't go well, if something happens to me. Your mother is
going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Subj: Lethal Injections (S395b)
From:igiggle on 8/18/2004
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to
give their patients a lethal injection. But they also
went on to say that the patient would have to be really,
really behind on payments.
Subj: Doctoring A Doctor (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/6/2003
Does a doctor doctor a doctor according to the doctored
doctor's doctrine of doctoring, or does the doctor doing
the doctoring doctor the other doctor according to his
own doctoring doctrine?
on 3/19/2003 (S321b)
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors
were wearing masks. -- James H. Boren
From: pns on 7/30/2003 (S341b)
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who
never owned a car. -- Carrie Snow
From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b)
An American surgeon lecturing medical students in Bristol,
England, was asked if he considered the operation he was
describing a valuable one. "Valuable?" demanded the surgeon,
a little taken aback. "I raised five kids on it."
|Smiley in a Syringe from