.
. .
Subj:.....Work Policy (S217)
          From: flovilla on 3/24/2001
 
Cartoon from SwapMeetDave.com...
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to
keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room.  In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an
alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:

Item           Amount

Gross pay     $1,212.02
Income tax      $244.40
Outgo tax        $45.21
State tax        $11.61
Interstate tax   $61.10
County tax        $6.11
City tax         $12.22
Rural tax         $4.44
Back tax          $1.91
Front tax         $1.16
Side tax          $1.61
Up tax            $2.24
Tic-Tacs          $2.98
Thumbtacks        $3.93
Carpet tacks      $1.98
Stadium tax       $2.69
Flat tax          $8.32
Surtax            $3.46
Corporate tax     $2.60
Parking fee       $7.00
FICA             $81.88
TGIF Fund         $9.95
Life insurance    $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance  $5.50
Mental insurance  $5.33
Disability        $3.50
Ability           $1.25
Liability         $3.41
Unreliability    $10.99
Coffee           $16.85
Coffee Cups      $66.51
Floor rental     $16.85
Chair rental      $1.32
Desk rental      $14.32
Union dues       $25.85
Union don'ts      $3.77
Cash advance      $0.69
Cash retreats   $121.35
Overtime          $1.26
Undertime        $54.83
Eastern time      $9.00
Central time      $8.00
Mountain time     $7.00
Pacific time      $6.00
Time Out         $12.21
Oxygen           $10.02
Water            $16.54
Heat             $51.42
Cool air         $26.83
Hot air          $28.13
Miscellaneous   $113.29
Sundry           $14.09
Various           $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience.  All questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/24/2002

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They
are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year.  The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1,
July 4, and Dec. 25

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30
minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their
average figure.  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
.
.
.