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Subj:   Doctor-Supp Jokes
             (Includes 93 jokes, 06964,7,cf,tb,vXT2a,1+7+1)

Doctor Studies Reflexes
from
WingSpan Fun Stuff
Includes the following:  Shoe Comic Strip II (S775)
.........................Man Given Six Months To Live (S764)
.........................Doctor Asks About Intercourse (S755)
.........................Sweet Tea (S708b)
.........................Prescription Pills - Video (S520)
.........................Doctors' Opinions Of Universal Health Care (S615c)
.........................Assistant Handles The Clinic (S590c)
.........................Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal (S616b, S762)
.........................Doctor Riddle (S562)
.........................Having Green Spots On Your Thighs (S534b, S770)
.........................Laughter Is The Best Medicine (S448b)
.........................Eye Exam (S448)
.........................Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes (S448)
.........................Having One Leg Shorter Than The Other (S440b)
.........................Surgeon Checks On Blonde After Operation (S420b, S655)
.........................A Rushed Visit To The Gynecologist (S418)
.........................Two Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse (S403b)
.........................Three Ill Men See The Doctor (S402)
.........................Little Bag Sees Doctor (S396b)
.........................Man Wants To Live Longer (S394)
.........................Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband (S388b)
.........................UK Brain Surgeon Suspended (S386)
.........................Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating (S376, S649)
.........................Asking The Doctor If You'll Live To 80 (S342b, S521c)
.........................Three Texas Surgeons Brag (S318)
.........................Patient Comments During Colonoscopies (S315, S511)
.........................Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart (S312, DU)
.........................The Mechanic And The Doctor (S315b)
.........................More Short Doctor Jokes
..............................Distraught Patient Calls Doctor (S828)
..............................Having Lettuce Sticking Out of Your Ass (S667b)
..............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S708a)
..............................Giving A Four-Year-Old A Shot (S612c)
..............................Doctor Needs Work (S584b)
..............................Abnormal Symptoms (S544c)
..............................Ophthalmology Cartoons (S558b)
...................................Kissing An Optometrist (S708)
...................................German Eye Glasses Ad (S741)
...................................Finger In The Eye - Video (S744)
...................................Pickles Comic Strip (S917)
..............................Jewish Man Has Son Do Operation (S397)
..............................Elderly See Doctor - Cartoon (S514b)
..............................Lethal Injections (S395b)
..............................Doctoring A Doctor (S328b)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Shoe Comic Strip II (S775)
          By Chris Cassatt/Gary Brookins on 11/19/11
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2011/11/19
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Top
Subj:     Man Given Six Months To Live (S764)
          From: tom on 9/3/2011
 (See "Bible Study Group" in Religion1)

 At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned
 his patient into his office with a grave look on his face.
 "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said,
 "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."

 "Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white.  When the news
 had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long
 time.  Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make
 the most of my remaining months?"

 "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

 Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.

 "You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed.
 "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during
 the final illness."

 "That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred.  "And with only six
 months to live I'd better make the most of my time."

 "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor.  When
 Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

 "A Jewish girl, how come?"

 "It'll seem longer."

Top
Subj:     Doctor Asks About Intercourse (S755)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 7/5/2011

 After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual
 physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine
 shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
 still have intercourse?"

 "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

 She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled
 out loud "Henry, do we still have intercourse?"  There was
 a total hush in the room!  You could hear a pin drop.

 Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I
 told you a hundred times... What we have is.......
 Blue Cross!!"

Top
Subj:     Sweet Tea (S708b)
          From: tom on 8/11/2010

 A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

 Doctor:   "What happened?"

 Woman:   "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my
           husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 Doctor:   "I have a real good medicine for that.  When your
           husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of
           sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth.
           Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he
           goes to bed and is a sleep."

 Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
 fresh and reborn.

 Woman:   "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my
          husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.
          I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 Doctor:   "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Top
Subj:     Prescription Pills (S520d, DU)
          From: gayleheckman on 1/9/2007
 This video is a musical cartoon about prescription
 pills. It probablyn isn't worth a trip to the internet.
 You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Doctors' Opinions Of Universal Health Care (S615c)
          From: ginafm on 10/20/2008

 When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the
 proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they
 had to  say:

 The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists
 advised not to make any rash moves.

 The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
 but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot
 of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring
 under a misconception.

 The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
 Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the
 Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

 The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
 Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons
 decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

 The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
 and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
 on the matter."

 The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
 Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

 The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
 and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some
 ass in Administration.

Top
Subj:     Assistant Handles The Clinic (S590c)
          From: tom on 5/8/2008

 A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting,
 so he approaches his assistant. "Seamus, I am going
 hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he
 says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me
 patients."

 "Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

 The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks,
 "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

 Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The
 first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

 "Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

 "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox,
 sir," says Seamus.

 "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third
 one?" asks the doctor.

 "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a
 woman bursts into the room.  Quick as a wink she undresses
 herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her
 bra and her panties, and lies down on the table.  She spreads
 her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you!  It's been five
 years since I've seen a man!"

 "Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the
 doctor.

 "I put drops in her eyes."

Top
Subj:     Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal (S616b, S762d)
          From: tom on 10/31/2008
      and From: virv on 8/18/2011
Drawing from ClipArt.com
 Source: http://www.miamiherald.com/283/story/427603.html
 (See 'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy' in Hospital1,
      'Scottish Colonoscopy' in Socttish,
......'Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam' in Quotes-Comed-Supp,
  and 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song' in Doctor1)

 You can read Dave Barry's funny colonoscopy journal
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Doctor Riddle (S562)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/19/2007

 While riding in the car I saw a license plate that
 read like this:

 IXMNIZ

 What occupation did the man in the car have?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

 He was an optometrist. The license plate reads like this:

 I-XMN-IZ
 (So it reads I Examine Eyes)

Top
Subj:     Having Green Spots On Your Thighs (S534b, S770)
          From: darrell94590 on 4/14/2007 and 10/18/2011

 A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange
 development, a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
 They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem
 to be getting worse.  The doctor assures her he'll get to
 the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until
 the tests come back.

 A few days later, the woman's phone rings.  Much to her
 relief, it's the doctor.  She immediately begs to know
 what's causing the spots.

 The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no
 problem.  But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

 The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

 "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Top
Subj:     Laughter Is The Best Medicine (S448b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/19/2005

 Anything that's become a cliche can't possibly be a
 groundbreaking medical secret.  Such is the case with the
 old saw, "Laughter is the best medicine."  Everybody knows
 this one, right?  Of course, but it's still interesting when
 science backs up the old sayings.

 And according to an ABCNews.com report from this past spring,
 a new study has elevated the old laughter-as-medicine another
 rung on the credibility ladder.  Conducted by the University
 of Maryland, the new research focused on the physiological
 reactions of a group of test subjects to movies of various
 tenors.

 The study group who watched a funny movie experienced an
 increase in blood flow in 95% of cases, while exactly the
 opposite was true for those forced to watch a sobering or
 sad movie - 74% of these experienced diminished blood flow.
 In the "comedy" group, the circulatory benefits lasted 12
 to 24 hours.

 None of this surprises me, and it shouldn't surprise you.
 Think about it: When you laugh really hard at a something,
 don't your cheeks get a little rosy?  Most people's do.
 That's all the evidence anyone should need that laughing
 boosts circulation.  It's literally written all over your
 face.

 Presented at this past spring's meeting of the American
 College of Cardiology, the study points to a strong
 correlation between laughter and circulatory/cardiovascular
 health.  Past studies have focused on laughter's
 stress-relieving capabilities as a mechanism behind its
 heart-healthy benefits.  It all makes sense.  Laughter does
 all sorts of good things to us: It both reduces killer
 stress AND improves blood flow.  It also releases powerful,
 painkilling endorphins into our blood.

 Besides this, there's evidence that laughing boosts immunity,
 too.  A 2000 study of medical students showed an increase in
 T-cell (viral killers) activity in the blood while watching
 humorous videotapes.  Other research showed laughter to be
 beneficial against heart arrhythmias.

 The punch line is this: Whether there's evidence proving it
 or not, common sense tells us that laughing is good for us
 on many levels.  Do it long and often and you'll live longer
 and healthier for it.

 William Campbell Douglass II, MD

Top
Subj:     Eye Exam (S448)
          From Comedy Central on 8/14/2005

 A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.  They start
 talking as the doctor is examing his eyes.  In the middle of
 their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to
 stop masturbating."

 The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

 The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients
 in the waiting room."

Top
Subj:     Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes (S448)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005

 Two medical students were walking along the street when they
 saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.  One of
 the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
 Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 The other student says: "No, I don't think so.  The old man
 surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.  He walks just as we learned
 in class."

 Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
 They approached the old man and one of the students said
 to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice
 the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
 might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me
 what you think."

 One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

 The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

 The other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."

 So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

 And the old man said: "I thought it was a fart...........
 but I was wrong."

Top
Subj:     Having One Leg Shorter Than The Other (S440b)
          From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the
 left all the time.  It used to bother me, so I suggested he
 see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.  For years, he
 refused... told me I was crazy.  But last week, he finally
 went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg
 was 1/4" shorter than his right.  A quick bit of orthopedic
 surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the
 same length now, and he no longer leans.  "So," I said, "You
 didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your
 leg."  He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."

Top
Subj:     Surgeon Checks On Blonde After Operation (S420b, S655)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/10/2005
      and From: rfslick on 7/25/2009

 A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an
 operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

 "You'll be fine," he said.

 She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have
 a normal sex life again doctor?"

 The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

 "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

 He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.  It's just that no one
 has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Top
Subj:     A Rushed Visit To The Gynecologist (S418)
          From: jbcary1 on 1/27/2005

 I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later
 in the week.  Early on Monday morning, I received a call
 from his office to tell me that my appointment had been
 rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 AM.

 I had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it
 was already around 8:45 AM.  Since the trip to his office
 would take about 35 minutes, I didn't have any time to spare.

 As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over
 hygiene when making  such visits, but this time I wasn't
 going to be able to make the full effort.

 So, I  rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the wash-
 cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
 quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least
 presentable.

 I then threw the washcloth in the hamper, donned some
 clothes, hopped in  the car and raced to my appointment.

 I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was
 called in.  Knowing the procedure, as I'm  sure you do, I
 hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
 room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
 million miles away.

 I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we've
 made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't
 respond.

 After the exam, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
 The rest of the day  was normal... some shopping, cleaning,
 cooking, etc.  After school when my six year old daughter
 was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy,
 where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from
 the cupboard.

 She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink,
 it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Top
Subj:     Two Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse (S403b)
          From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04

 Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
 about Nurse Jenny.  "She's incredibly dumb.  She does every-
 thing absolutely backwards." said one doctor.  "Just last
 week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet
 every 10 hours.  She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
 He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,

 "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a
 patient an enema every 24 hours.  She tried to give him 24
 enemas in one hour!  The guy nearly exploded!"

 Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down
 the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just
 realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Top
Subj:     Three Ill Men See The Doctor (S402)
          From: DafterLafter on 7/23/2004

 Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to
 discuss their options. There was an Alcoholic, one was a
 Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

 The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of
 you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely
 die." The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that
 he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

 While walking toward the subway for their return trip to
 the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the
 loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

 His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a
 shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass
 on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

 His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising
 how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

 As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying
 on the ground, still burning.

 The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You
 know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Top
Subj:     Little Bag Sees Doctor (S396b)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/24/2004

 A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself
 off to the doctor's.

 "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

 "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a
 blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in
 a couple of days."

 The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for
 the results.

 "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

 "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

 "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the
 little paper bag.

 "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

 "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper
 bag!"

 "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous
 drug users?" asked the doctor.

 "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper
 bag!"

 "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or
 a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

 "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

 "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual
 relationship?"

 "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a
 little paper bag!"

 "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
 "Your mother must have been a carrier..."

Top
Subj:     Man Wants To Live Longer (S394)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/12/2004

 A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to
 live very long. What should I do?"

 "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.
 "Let's see, do you smoke?"

 "Oh.. Half a pack a day."

 "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

 The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

 "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my
 meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

 "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

 The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

 The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

 "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

 "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet.
 You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no
 dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

 The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this
 really necessary?"

 "Do you want to live long?"

 "Yes."

 "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't
 even think of breaking the diet." The man is
 quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do
 you have sex?"

 "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!"
 he adds hurriedly.

 "As soon as you get out of here you are going to
 buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

 The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm
 going to live longer this way?"

 "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure
 you is going to seem like an eternity!"

Top
Subj:     Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband (S388b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 7/2/2004

 (See 'Three Couples Seek Church Membership' in CHURCH
  and 'Sex at the freezer' in Marriage2)

 An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to
 ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

 "What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

 "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

 "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee.
 He won't even taste it.  Give it a try and call me in a week
 to let me know how things went."

 It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who
 directly inquired as to progress.

 The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

 "Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

 "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?

 The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up,
 with a twinkle in his eye!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent
 the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
 and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love
 to me on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

 "Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was
 not good?"

 "No, no, no, Doctor.  The sex was fine.  Indeed, 'twas the best
 sex I've had in 25 years.  But I'll never be able to show me
 face in Starbucks again!"

Top
Subj:     UK Brain Surgeon Suspended (S386)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 6/14/2004

 UK's National Health Services (NHS), already struggling with
 unreasonably long delays in providing necessary neurosurgery to
 patients owing to a critical lack of available doctors, suspended
 one of Britain's leading brain surgeons, Dr. Terence Hope, for
 three days, pending a full investigation, because he took extra
 croutons with his soup while in the hospital cafeteria.

 Writes the London Telegraph "...every so often a tale crops up
 of such flaring, dazzling idiocy that the entire nation is
 rendered quite breathless by it."

 The NHS defends their action saying that they treat doctors like
 everyone else.  But as the London Telegraph writes, "But, as most
 members of the public easily understand, hospital doctors are not
 just like anyone else: they work long and often inconvenient hours,
 in testing circumstances, and if a doctor is regularly working
 while exhausted or hungry it will have a more dramatic impact on
 the general public than if, say, young Harriet at the Tesco's meat
 counter is feeling a bit headachy after a night on the tiles."
 [night on the tiles??]

 He's been reinstated.  Three surgeries were forced to be cancelled.

 Daily Telegraph (UK) 28-Mar-04

Top
Subj:     Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating (S376, S649)
          From: thebartend on 4/12/2004
      and From: ginafm on 5/25/2009

 The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
 daughter was probably having sex.  Worried the girl might
 become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the
 whole family, she consulted the family doctor.

 The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
 and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
 rebellion.  He recommended that she arrange for her
 daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk
 to her and give her a box of condoms.

 That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
 the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and
 handed her a box of condoms.

 The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her
 mother, saying: "Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry about
 that!  I'm dating Susan!"

Top
Subj:     Asking The Doctor If You'll Live To 80 (S342b, S521c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
      and From: allenbergmant on 1/12/07

 I recently picked a new primary care physician.  After two
 visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
 well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I
 couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

 "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

 Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"

 I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?"
 he said.

 "No, I don't," I said.

 He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
 fool around with sexy women?"

 "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

 He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit
 if you live to be 80?"

Top
Subj:     Three Texas Surgeons Brag (S318)
          From: gomilpitas on 3/1/2003

 Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
 discussing surgeries they had performed.  One of them
 said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.  A concert pianist
 lost 7 fingers in an accident.  I reattached them, and
 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
 Queen of England."

 One of the others said, "That's nothing.  A young man
 lost both arms and legs in an accident.  I reattched
 them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
 events in the Olympics."

 The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.  Several
 years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode
 a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour.
 All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a
 cowboy hat.  Now he's president of the United States."

Top
Subj:     Patient Comments During Colonoscopies (S315, S511c)
          From: pns on 2/8/2003
      and From: JBCARY1 on 11/3/2006

 A physician claims these are actual comments from his
 patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
  1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where
      no man has gone before."
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
  5. "Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?
      Are we there yet?"
  6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
  7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left
      hand out.  You do the Hokey Pokey...."
  9. "Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that
      my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Top
Subj:     Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart (S312, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/6/2003

 A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
 doesn't get a new heart soon.  The old man tells the doctor
 to search the world for the best heart available, money is
 no object.

 A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he
 has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

 The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and
 implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon
 runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was
 in peak condition when he was hit by a bus.  No damage to
 the heart, of course.  But it costs $100,000!'

 The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks
 the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long- distance swimmer,
 high school kid. Lean and mean.  Drowned when he hit his
 head on the side of the pool.  That heart'll set you back
 $150,000!'

 'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

 'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three
 packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
 exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
 $500,000!!!'

 'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so
 expensive?'

 'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a
 lawyer... so it was never used!'

Top
Subj:     The Mechanic And The Doctor (S315b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/8/2003

 Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift
 when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser,
 who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service
 manager.

 Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the
 garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

 The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
 Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that
 all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor,
 look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put
 in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr
 like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you
 and me are doing basically the same work?"

 Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in
 a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine
 running."

Top
Subj:     More Short Doctor Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Distraught Patient Calls Doctor (S828)
          From: virv on 11/17/2012

 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
 "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
 you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

 "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

 There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
 replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is
 my condition because this prescription is marked
 'NO REFILLS'."
 

Top
Subj:     Having Lettuce Sticking Out of Your Ass (S667b)
          From: sam.hutkins on 10/22/2009
 A man goes to the doctor.  "Doctor, doctor," he says,
 "I hate to bother you, but I've got a piece of lettuce
 sticking out of my bum."

 "Let me take a look at that," says the doctor, "drop
 your trousers."

 "Is it serious, doctor?," says the man.

 "Yes," says the doctor, "Quite honestly, it's just the
 tip of the iceberg."
 

Top
Subj:     Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S708a)
          By Chris Cassatt/Gary Brookins on 8/8/2010
..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2010/08/08
  Click 'HERE' to read this cute, Sunday comic strip.
 

Top
Subj:     Giving A Four-Year-Old A Shot (S612c)
          From: tom on 9/28/2008
 Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult
 assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
 One day I entered the examining room to give four-
 year-old Lizzie her needle.

 'No, no, no!' she screamed.

 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'

 With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you!
 No, thank you!
 

Top
Subj:     Doctor Needs Work (S584b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/17/08
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can see this cute cartoon strip by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Abnormal Symptoms (S544c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2007
 A successful businessman goes to the doctor to ask about
 some abnormal symptoms. The doctor asks him, "What problems
 are you experiencing ?"

 The businessman tells the doctor, "I'm terrified of driving
 in dark places or with other people in the car."

 The doctor thinks for a minute, then states, "That's easy to
 solve ...  You have car-pool-tunnel syndrome."
 

Top
Subj:     Ophthalmology Cartoons (S558b,d,Includes 53, 51,cf,md4,1+1
          From: jbcary1 on 9/25/2007
..........Source: (Many sources, see the file)
 You can view these fifty-three cute doctor cartoons
 and jokes on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Jewish Man Has Son Do Operation (S397)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004
 An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting
 surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,
 perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia
 he asked to speak to his son.

 "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

 "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
 doesn't go well, if something happens to me.  Your mother is
 going to come and live with you and your wife...."
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly See Doctor (S514b)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/26/2006
 You can see this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:    Lethal Injections (S395b)
         From:igiggle on 8/18/2004
 Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to
 give their patients a lethal injection.  But they also
 went on to say that the patient would have to be really,
 really behind on payments.
 

Top
Subj:     Doctoring A Doctor (S328b)
          From: igiggle on 5/6/2003
 Does a doctor doctor a doctor according to the doctored
 doctor's doctrine of doctoring, or does the doctor doing
 the doctoring doctor the other doctor according to his
 own doctoring doctrine?

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 3/19/2003 (S321b)
 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors
 were wearing masks.  -- James H. Boren

From: pns on 7/30/2003 (S341b)
 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who
 never owned a car.  -- Carrie Snow

From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b)
 An American surgeon lecturing medical students in Bristol,
 England, was asked if he considered the operation he was
 describing a valuable one.  "Valuable?" demanded the surgeon,
 a little taken aback. "I raised five kids on it."

From: sam.hutkins on 5/1/2015 (S954)
 A guy has a carrot in his ear and a potato in his nose.
 He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "You haven't
 been eating right."

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............................. Syringe from Smiliemania.da
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