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Subj:     Doctor1 Jokes
                 (Includes 28 jokes and articles, 18979n,5,cf,wXT2,1)

Doctor w/Chart
from
Animated Cliparts
Includes the following:  Herman Cartoon (S754)
.........................The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song - Video (S580c, S870)
.........................Gynecologist Trains To Be Auto Mechanic (S296, S480c)
.........................Two Doctors Open Small Town Practice (S295b, S743)
.........................Doctor Is Cross-Examined In Court (S37, DU)
.........................Two Bosnian Doctors (S19)
.........................John Asks To Be Castrated (S345b, DU)
.........................Man Is Castrated (S16, S725)
.........................Why Doctors Shouldn't Strike - Drawing (S964)
.........................Doctor's Advice For Migraine Headaches (S12, S606)
.........................Urine Sample (DU)
.........................Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream (DU)
.........................Doctor And The Voluptuous Woman (S10, S609)
.........................Doctor, Buxom Lass And The Baby (S253, S532b)
.........................Two Doctors Operate On Owl While Hunting (S617c)
.........................Proctology Examination (Picture) (S385)
.........................Hong Kong Dong (S395b, S692)
.........................Doctor And Granny
.........................A Doctor And His Wife Fight (S211)
.........................Five Surgeons Talk (S200, S548c)
.........................Man Changes His Sex (DU)
.........................Teamster Sees The Doctor (S30, DU)
.........................The Doctor And The Plumber (DU)
.........................Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life (S242b)
.........................Man Has Tapeworm (S105)
.........................Man Needs Brain Transplant (S339)
.........................Guilty Doctor (S477c)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S651b)

Also see ANIMALS-OTHRS- 'Snake Sees Doctor For Glasses'
         ACCIDENTS1   - 'Bizarre Forensic Case'
......................- 'Horace Wells' Death'
         ARTIST file  - 'Artist's Paintings Sell'
         BALLS file   - 'Two Men Have Vasectomies'
......................- 'Man Arrested For Sexual Assault'
         BAR2 file    - 'Gynecologist Invents Drink'
         BATHROOM file- 'Husband Paints Toilet'
......................- 'Toilet Doctor'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'Transfusions Of Chicken Blood'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Five Doctors Go Duck Hunting'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Hurt Woman At The Doctor'
         BODY PARTS   - 'Medical Animation - Heal' - Video
......................- 'Blonde Sees Eye Doctor'
         BREAST file  - 'The Boob Poem About Mammograms'
         BROTHERS file- 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         BUGS_ETC file- 'Licking Envelopes'
         CLINTON-SCDL1- 'Clinton Has A Red Rash'
......................- 'Lewinsky Has An Operation'
         COLLEGE1 file- 'School Letters'
         COLLEGE-GRAD - 'Vet School Students Learn Lesson'
         COMPUTERS_SUP- 'Your Computer Could Be Killing You'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Popsicle Stick Riddle'
         DATING2 file - 'Couple Has Sex In A Van'
         DENTIST file - 'How To Make Surgical Gloves'
         DWARF file   - 'Midget Cowboy's Balls Ache'
         ELEPHANT     - 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Elderly Couple Has Check-Up'
......................- 'Second Elderly Couple Has Check-Up Joke'
......................- 'Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering'
.........ELDERLY1-SUPP- 'Elderly Couple Has Sex In Front Of Doctor'
......................- '83 Year Old Lady Has Physical'
.........ELDERLY2     - '90-Year-Old Geezer Has Baby'
......................- 'Man Has Face Lift'
......................- 'Suicidel 83 Year Old Woman'
......................- '60 Year Old Man Discusses Family w/Doctor'
         ELDERLY3     - 'Being Diagnosed With AAADD'
         ELDERLY4     - 'Old Man Has Physical With Wife'
......................- 'Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Doctor Gets Speeding Ticket'
         FARMER2 file - 'Farmer And Young Bride Can't Get Enough Sex'
         FART file    - 'Woman Explodes During Operation'
......................- 'Old Lady See Doctor About Farting'
         FOOD-SUPP    - 'Parents Worry About Son's Small Penis'
......................- 'Doctor Gives Lecture On Dangerous Foods'
         FROG file    - 'Kermit Gets An X-Ray'
         FUNERAL file - 'Heart Specialist Doctor's Funeral'
......................- 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him'
         GAMES file   - 'Doctor Called For Poker Game'
         GAMES-SUPP   - 'Longevity Game'
.........GAYS file    - 'Liberace Goes To The Doctor'
......................- 'Guy Wakes Up With Two Rings'
         GOLF2 file   - 'The Blind Play Golf'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Quasimodo Goes To The Doctor'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy'
......................- 'Professor Lectures Medical Students'
......................- 'Wife Dying In Hospital'
......................- 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident'
......................- 'The Sunburn'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'True Hospital Stories'
         HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Archie Bunker And The Doctor' - Video
         HOW MANY...  - 'How Many Surgeons To Change Light Bulb?'
         HUNTING file - 'Hunter Shoots Himself In The Arm'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Dying Irishman Goes To Bar'
         KIDS5 file   - 'It's Not Contagious, I Swear...'
......................- 'Child Talks To Elderly in Wheelchair'
         LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer Astronaut'
......................- 'Lawyer And A Dying Friend'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Has Operation'
......................- 'Doctor Meets Lawyer On Riviera'
......................- 'Lawyer, Doctor, and Diogenes'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Wife Meets Wasp'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband To Die Tonight'
......................- 'Marrying A Younger Woman'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Doctor Examines Wifes Breasts'
         MATH1 file   - 'Merits Of A Wife Or A Mistress'
         MONKEY file  - 'College Girl Buys Monkey'
         NUNS2 file   - 'Dr. Lombardi Treated Mother Teresa' - Video
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'How To End The Careers Of Professionals'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Penis Keeps Growing'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Self-Examination'
......................- 'Doctor Helps Man Get Erections'
......................- 'Orange Penis'
......................- 'Man In Accident Looses Penis'
......................- 'Stuttering Problem'
         PENIS-SUPP   - 'US Medical School Entrance Exam'
         PHONE file   - 'Veterinarian Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'iDoctor - Smartphone, The Future Of Medicine' - Video
         PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves Lives!'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Doctor And Minister On A Plane'
         POLICE1 file - 'CHP Stops Fred'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Donald Trump And Ben Carson - Tonight Show Skit'
         PREGNANT file- 'Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting'
......................- 'Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question'
......................- 'Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant'
         PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Bill Cosby - Where Babies Come From' - Video
......................- 'Don't Go To The Doctor In June/July' - Video
         PRIEST1 file - 'The Priest Has A Baby'
         PUSSY file   - 'Trip To The OB/GYN'
......................- 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help'
         PUSSY-SUPP   - 'Doctor Finds A Growth' - Porn Video
         RELIGION1    - 'PMS In The Bible'
         SCOTTISH file- 'Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy'
         SEX3 file    - 'Different Types Of Sex - LOUD SEX:'
         SEX-SUPP     - 'Medical Warning'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'ER Doctors Discusses Vets'
         SPERM file   - 'Harold And Sperm Specimen'
         STAR TREK ETC- 'NASA Interviews Mars Astronauts'
         STORIES file - 'Little Girl Buys A Miracle'
         STRANDED     - 'Jewish Doctor Stranded On Island'
         TREE file    - 'Lady Slides Down Tree And Sees Doctor'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon'
.........WORD-JOKES2  - 'Doctor's Word Riddle'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Herman Cartoon (S754)
          By Jim Unger on 6/22/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/herman/2011/06/22
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Top
Subj:     The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song
          By Bowser and Blue (S580c, S870d)
          From: cappucinid on 2/28/2008
      and From: tom on 9/8/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

 (See 'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy' in Hospital1,
      'Scottish Colonoscopy' in Socttish,
......'Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam' in Quotes-Comed-Supp,
  and 'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in Doctor-supp)

 "Bowser and Blue were a tremendous hit at our convention"
 The American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons.  This
 song is very funny.  Click 'HERE' to listen to these
 Canadian comedy legends.

Top
Subj:     Gynecologist Trains To Be Auto Mechanic (S296, S480c)
          From: auntiegah on 10/3/2002
      and From: flovilla on 4/2/2006

 A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
 and was on the verge of being burned out.  Hoping to try
 another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
 decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

 He found out from the local technical college what was
 involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
 and learned all he could.  When the time for the practical
 exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
 weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 When the results came back, he was surprised to find that
 he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he
 called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear
 ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered
 if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

 The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
 apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
 You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
 also worth 50% of the mark.

 The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%
 because you did all of it through the muffler."

Top
Subj:     Two Doctors Open Small Town Practice (S295b, S743)
..........From: gheckman on 9/21/2002
      and From: gattica30 on 4/9/2011

 Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time
 and decided that, in spite of two different specialties,
 they would open a practice together to share office space
 and personnel.  The doctors opened an office in a small town
 and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry
 and Proctology."

 The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the
 doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".  This
 was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
 council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
 No go.

 Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."  Thumbs down
 again.  Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives."
 Still not good.  How about "Minds and Behinds"?  Unacceptable
 again.

 Becoming distraught, they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
 Still no go.  Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts,"  "Nuts and
 Butts,"  "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.

 Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a
 business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council,
 "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ................... Odds and Ends."
 Approved.

Top
Subj:     Doctor Is Cross-Examined In Court (S37)
          From: Playboy February 1997

  Moved to 'Defence Attorney vs Doctor' in LAWYER1)
 

Top
Subj:     Two Bosnian Doctors (S19)

 (Also see 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady' in COWBOYS)

 Two Bosnian Doctors were having lunch at a fine Restaurant
 while visiting abroad.  A man at a nearby table keels over
 while clutching his throat.  The two foreign doctors stand
 up and announce to the dining room: "Everyone stand back,
 we're doctors and we know what to do!"

 Doctor number one drops his pants and underwear, bends over,
 exposing a fat and hairy ass.  Doctor number two firmly
 grasps his patner's buttocks and proceeds to *lick* the
 exposed area between his cheeks...  Meanwhile, the near-dead
 choking victim becomes so grossed out by the sight of this
 man licking that fat and hairy ass, he began to wretch and
 gag, and expelled the piece of meat that was stuck in his
 throat.

 As the two MD's finished zipping up, one of them says to the
 other in a proud and knowing voice: "You see, the HINDLICK
 Maneuver, it never fails!"

Top
Subj:     John Asks To Be Castrated (S345b, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 4/10/2003

 John says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

 "Why on earth would you want to do that?" asks the doctor
 in amazement.

 "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time
 and I want to have it done" replies John.

 "But have you thought this through?" asks the doctor, "It's
 a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
 going back.  It will change your life forever!"

 "I'm aware of that," says John, "and you're not going to
 change my mind-- either you book me in to be castrated or
 I'll simply go to another doctor."

 "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better
 judgment!"

 So John has his operation, and the next day he is up and
 walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor.
 Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking
 exactly the same way.

 "Hi there," says John, "It looks as if you've just had the
 same operation as me."

 "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years
 of life that I would like to be circumcised."

 John stared at him in horror and screamed, "Darn it!, I
 KNEW that's what it's called!"

Top
Subj:     Man Is Castrated (S16, S725)
          From: vcarlew on 97-11-20
      and From: tom on 11/28/2010

 Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got
 older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
 When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
 he sought medical help.  After being referred from one
 specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
 who solved the problem.  "The good news is I can cure your
 headaches. . .

 The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have
 a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
 up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates
 one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the
 pressure is to remove the testicles."  Joe was shocked and
 depressed.  He wondered if he has anything to live for.  He
 couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
 had no choice but to go under the knife.

 When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt
 like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he
 walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
 different person.  He could make a new beginning and live
 a new life.  He walked past a men's clothing store and
 thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."  He entered the
 shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .
 size 44 long."

 Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

 As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
 "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
 said, "Sure .."

 The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve
 and . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's
 right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe
 adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
 "How about new shoes?"

 Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

 The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9
 and a half. . wide."

 Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

 Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
 asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe
 said, "Sure ... "

 The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."

 Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

 The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the
 salesman asked, "How about a new jockstrap?" Joe
 thought for a second and said, "Sure ... "

 The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
 "Let's see. . you wear a 36 large jockstrap."  Joe laughed,
 "No, I've worn a 32 small since I was 18 years old."

 The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a 32 small.
 It would press your testicles up against the base of
 your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Top
Subj:     Why Doctors Shouldn't Strike (S964)
          From: Billie Barbier on Facebook
 Source: http://www.funelf.net/tag/strike/
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Top
Subj:     Doctor's Advice For Migraine Headaches (S12, S606)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-21

 (Also see 'Hung Chow Too Sick To Work' in JOBS-SUPP)

 A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
 headaches.  When the doctor does his history and physical,
 he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every
 therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
 improvement.

 "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the
 advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I
 learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've
 gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine,
 I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
 while.  Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
 hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.
 This helps a little.  Then I get out of the tub, take
 her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me,
 I force myself to have sex with her.  Almost always, the
 headache is immediately gone.  Now, give it a try, and
 come back and see me in six weeks."

 Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
 "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS!
 I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST
 time anyone has ever helped me!"

 "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

 "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY
 nice house."

Top
Subj:     Urine Sample (DU)

 (Also see 'Tennis Elbow' in TENNIS)

 A guy walks into the doctors office, his arm is killing him.
 Guy: "Doc my arm is killing me"
 Doc: "Ok, just give me urine sample and we'll see whats wrong"

 Guy: "A urine sample?! How the hell are you going to find out
      whats wrong with my arm from a urine sample?"
 Doc: "Its the latest in Technology, just give me a sample..."

 So the guy gives the doctor a sample. The doctor pours it into
 this machine. The machine goes "beep beep beep beep", the printer
 goes "tick tick tick tick tick tick", "riiiiiiiiip" the paper is
 torn out by the doctor who reads the analysis to the guy.
 Doc: "Says here,Mr. Johnson, that what you got is tennis elbow."

 Guy: "Well I'll be!"
 Doc: "Here is another jar, come back in two weeks with another
      sample and we'll see how your getting along"

 The guy takes this jar home and decides to really fuck this
 doctor up good.  He pisses into the bottle. He also gets his
 teenage daughter to piss in the bottle. He has his wife piss in
 the bottle too.  He goes out to the garage, scrapes a little oil
 off the floor, and puts that in the bottle.  Finally he jacks
 off into the bottle. Goes back to the doctor.

 The doctor pours the bottle into the machine. It takes about
 five minutes this time.  The machine goes "beep beep beep
 beep", the printer goes "tick tick tick tick tick tick",
 "riiiiiiiiip" the paper is torn out by the doctor who reads
 the analysis to the guy.

 Doc: "Hmm, says here that your wife is pregnent, your daughter
 is fucking everyone in the neighborhood, the volvo needs a
 tune-up, and if you don't stop jacking off, your never going
 to get rid of that tennis elbow!"

Top
Subj:     Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream (DU)

 (Also see 'Offended Woman At A Bar' in BAR1)

 A middle aged woman went to see her doctor about a problem
 she had with her pussy.  The doctor called her into his room
 and asked her to undress, and lie on the bed.

 He walked over to her and said: "I'm gonna fill your snatch
 with ice cream, and eat every little bit out of it".

 The lady, horrified at the doctors suggestion, jumped to
 her feet and ran to her husband who was waiting outside in
 the car.  She told him what had happened inside and said:
 "Are you gonna do anything about that sicko in there or what?"

 "No my dear, any man who can eat that much ice-cream is
 surely too big for me to handle!"

Top
Subj:     Doctor And The Voluptuous Woman (S10, S609)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
 The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his
 professionalism goes out the window.  Right away he
 tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins
 to stroke her thigh.  As he does this he says to the
 woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
 dermatological abnormalities."

 "That is right," says the doctor.  He then begins to
 fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
 he says.

 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps
 or breast cancer."

 "Correct," replies the doctor.  He then begins to have
 sexual intercourse with the woman.  He says to her,
 "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 "Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes, which is why
 I came here in the first place.."
 

Top
Subj:     Doctor, Buxom Lass And The Baby (S253, S532b)
          From: KMACINTY on 12/3/2001
      and From: SCOTCOB on 3/30/2007

 A rather buxom and attractive young lass walks into a doctor's
 office with a baby in her arms.  When asked by the doctor as
 to the nature of the problem, she replied that the baby seemed
 under nourished, and always acted as if he were hungry even
 after he was fed.

 The doctor carried out an extensive examination of the baby
 and could find nothing wrong, so he asked if the baby was
 bottle or breast fed. "Breast fed," came the response from
 the young lady.

 "Then I'd best check you out too.  Strip to the waist please,"
 said the doctor.  The young lady, though embarrassed, did as
 requested, revealing a perfect set of breasts.

 The doctor weighed each one gently with his hand, gave the
 nipples a soft pinch and a tug and announced, "There's the
 problem, your not producing any milk."

 "And it's well that I am not..." she purred with a wink....
 "I'm the baby's aunt."

Top
Subj:     Two Doctors Operate On Owl While Hunting (S617c)
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #5

 An ear/nose/throat specialist and an urologists were out
 hunting.  As was their custom, they each had a hip flask
 filled with their favorite spirits.  Near the end of the
 day, the flasks were lighter, and both physicians were
 somewhat inebriated.  As they passed under a tree, they
 noticed an old owl up in a high branch.

 The ENT man said, "I bet you I can climb up the tree,
 whip out that owl's tonsils, and be back down here with-
 out him noticing." Disbelieving, the urologist made the
 bet. The ENT man shimmied up the tree, grabbed the owl,
 whipped out his tonsils, and was back on the ground with-
 out the bird even waking up.  The urologist, not to be
 outdone, said, "Well, I bet I can go up the tree, grab
 that owl, and circumcise him without him waking up."

 Naturally, the bet was taken.  The urologist shimmied
 up the tree, grabbed the owl, performed the circumcision,
 and was back down on the ground without the owl even
 noticing.  The two men went on about their way.

 Several days later, the old owl was flying over the same
 forest with a younger owl.  The young owl, noticing an
 old tree with an inviting high branch, said, "Let's go
 down and take a nap on that high branch."

 The old owl said, "nothing doing!  Last week I took a
 nap on that same branch, and ever since then I haven't
 been able to hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot."

Top
Subj:     Proctology Examination (Picture) (S385)
          From: Zeebarf toons 1999 on 6/12/2004
 Source: http://www.zeebarf.com/1999/doctor.htm
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Top
Subj:     Hong Kong Dong (S395b, S692)
          From: hellgunner50 on 8/21/2004
      and From: tom on 4/25/2010

 A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is
 developing a bend in the middle.  So the doctor ran a series
 of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the
 results.

 "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last
  year or so?"

 "Why, yes," replied the man.

 "And did you have sex while over there?"

 The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

 The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what
 I was afraid of.  You have a new disease that's just starting
 to spread in this country.  It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

 The man gulped. "What do you do for it?  Is there a cure?"

 "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease,
 but you must have an operation."

 "An operation? What kind of operation?"

 "We cut off your penis."

 "Wow!  Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

 The doctor replied, "Of course not.  In something of such a
 serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and
 a third opinion!"

 The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the
 same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
 He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor
 to recommend another doctor for his third opinion.  The
 urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in
 the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors
  might know more about it.

 Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong
 Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that
 Crown Colony's most eminent physician.  After a series of
 tests, he awaited the verdict.  The doctor entered the
 examining room.

 "Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

 "Yes."

 "And is it really incurable?"

 "Yes, there is no known cure."

 The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I
 going to have an operation?  Will they have to cut off my
 penis?"

 At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into
 laughter.

 "What's so funny, Doc?  You mean I don't have to have
 surgery?"

 As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to
 choke out, "Oh, those American doctors!  Cut, clamp, sew!
 Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

 "I don't have to have my penis cut off?"  The man was
 overjoyed.

 "Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll
 fall off by itself!"

Top
Subj:     Doctor And Granny

 Johnnie's grandmother was dating a doctor. Grannie was
 visiting her sweetheart one morning when the phone rang.
 It was her daughter, frantic!!  "Johnnie has swallowed a
 penny!!!  I need to bring him in to see the doctor right
 away!!!"

 Grannie rushed to the doctor to explain and asked, "Should
 she take him to the emergency room???"

 The doctor calmy replied, "Oh, no... That's not necessary.
 Just be sure to watch him closely for any change."

Top
Subj:     A Doctor And His Wife Fight (S211)
          From: thebartend on 2/12/2001

 A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
 "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed
 off to work.  By midmorning, he decided he'd better make
 amends and phoned home.  After many rings, his wife picked
 up the phone.

 "What took you so long to answer?"

 "I was in bed."

 "What were you doing in bed this late?"

 "Getting a second opinion."

Top
Subj:     Five Surgeons Talk (S200, S548c)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-30
      and From: redcatt on 7/11/2007

 Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.  They are discussing
 who makes the best patients to operate on.

 1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on
 because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best.  Everything
 inside them is in alphabetical order."

 3rd responds: "Try electricians, man!  Everything inside
 THEM is color-coded."

 4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand
 when you have a few parts left over at the end."

 To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to
 the conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers.  They're heart-
 less, spineless, gut-less and their heads and their butts
 are interchangeable."

Top
Subj:     Man Changes His Sex (DU)

 I man goes to the doctor and begs to become a woman, after
 all the preliminary psych tests, it is found that he should
 have the operation.  Well after the operation the woman goes
 back to see the doctor for the post-operative councilling.

 The doctor asks: "Are you happy with being a woman?"

 Woman:  "Yes very happy I feel like this really is the real
 me, only one problem though, I wish I could fucking remember
 how to reverse park!"

Top
Subj:     Teamster Sees The Doctor (S30, DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH o n 97-08-22

 A Teamster went to his doctor this week.  He had excruciating
 chest pains, about which he was very worried.  As good fortune
 would have it, the doctor was currently not on a slow-down,
 strike, work-to-rules or other labor action.

 After a thorough examination, the doctor told the man he had
 some good news and some bad news.

 The Teamster asked to hear the good news first.  "The only
 problem is that the battery in your pacemaker is low," the
 doctor informed the man.

 "Well then, what can the bad news be?," asked the Teamster.

 "The batteries are coming via UPS."

Top
Subj:     The Doctor And The Plumber (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #212 on 97-10-01

 Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a
 plumber.

 The plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes.

 The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for
 $275.00.

 The outraged doctor stammers "I'm a Neuro-surgeon,not
 some damn dumb plumber, and I dont even make that much
 for 5 minutes work!"

 The plumber smiles and says "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that
 much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either"

Top
Subj:     Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life (S242b)
          From: The Bartenders on 10/16/1997
      and From: dogbyte on 8/30/2001

 A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the
 joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a
 case if he felt he could not help them.  The Smiths came to
 see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
 psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
 "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

 "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store
 and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.  Go home, take off
 your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the
 floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.
 Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a
 leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

 "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from
 across the room, toss them at your husband until you make
 a ringer around his love pole.  Then like a lioness, you
 must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

 The couple went home and their sex life became more and
 more wonderful.

 They told their friends, Mr. ? Mrs. Green that they should
 see the good doctor.  The doctor greeted the Greens and
 said he would not take the case unless he felt that he
 could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and
 the same battery of tests.

 Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you,
 so I will not take your money.  I believe your sex life
 is as good as it will ever be.  I cannot help.

 "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our
 friends the Smiths, now please, please help us."

 "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from
 the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples
 and a box of Cheerios..."

Top
Subj:     Man Has Tapeworm (S105)
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-12

 A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that
 he thought he might have a tapeworm.  The doctor examined
 the patient and listened to the symptoms.  He concurred
 with the self-diagnosis.

 "I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment.
 And bring a banana and a cookie with you," said the
 doctor.

 Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied, and
 returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.  The
 doctor said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over.
 This is going to hurt a bit."  Although leery about the
 turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent
 over.

 The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion
 rammed it up the guy's ass.

 The doctor consulted his watch as our hero danced around
 the room shouting at the physician.

 "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the
 second part of the treatment if your truly want to get
 rid of this tapeworm," advised doctor.  Despite the pain,
 the patient did want to be cured, so complied with the
 order to bend over again.  The doctor took the cookie
 and rammed IT up the patient's ass.

 "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time,
 and bring another banana and a cookie," ordered the doctor.
 The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes,
 nodded his head.

 The following day, the same routine ensued.  First the
 doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then
 rammed up a cookie.

 And the next day, and the next day and the next!!  Every
 day UP went a banana, and then after one minute, UP went
 a cookie.

 After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally said,
 "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments.  I want you
 to bring in a banana and a hammer."

 "Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying
 to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.  "Nope,
 a hammer," confirmed the doctor.

 The last day the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine."
 So the man drops his pants and bends over.  UP goes the
 banana.  The doctor looked at his watch and picked up the
 hammer.

 One minute passed.  Then two minutes.  Three.  Four minutes
 pass.

 Suddenly a little head poked out of the patient's ass,
 "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!"

 **WHAM**

Top
Subj:     Man Needs Brain Transplant (S339)
          From: The Bartenders on 1/12/1997
      and From: DoctorDebt on 7/10/2003

 A man went to the doctor's.  The doctor came in and said,
 "well, I've got some good news and some bad news.  The bad
 news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.  The good
 news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
 transplants and there has been an accident right out front
 and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever
 brain you'd like.

 The  man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain
 costs $30,000.00."

 The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference
 between  the male and the female brain?"

 The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

Top
Subj:     Guilty Doctor (S477c)
         From: ipkis on 97-11-20
      and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006

 Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt
 guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
 about it, he couldn't.

 The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every
 once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
 his head that said:

 "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
 practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
 won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

 But invariably another voice in his head would bring him
 back to reality, whispering... Dave.............
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 .....................you're a Vet !!!

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S651b)
          By Dan Piraro on 6/29/2009
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/june-29-2009/
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...............To read about this disease,
...............click on the word below.
...............pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism.
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..............................Doctor from Smiley_Central
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