Subj: Doctor1 Jokes
(Includes 27 jokes and articles, 28855n,3,cf,md4,2)
Also see ANIMALS-OTHRS- 'Snake
Sees Doctor For Glasses'
ACCIDENTS1 - 'Bizarre Forensic Case'
......................- 'Horace Wells' Death'
ARTIST file - 'Artist's Paintings Sell'
BALLS file - 'Two Men Have Vasectomies'
......................- 'Man Arrested For Sexual Assault'
BAR2 file - 'Gynecologist Invents Drink'
BATHROOM file- 'Husband Paints Toilet'
......................- 'Toilet Doctor'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'Transfusions Of Chicken Blood'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Five Doctors Go Duck Hunting'
BLONDE1 file - 'Hurt Woman At The Doctor'
BODY PARTS - 'Medical Animation - Heal' - Movie
......................- 'Blonde Sees Eye Doctor'
BREAST file - 'The Boob Poem About Mammograms'
BUGS_ETC file- 'Licking Envelopes'
CLINTON-SCDL1- 'Clinton Has A Red Rash'
......................- 'Lewinsky Has An Operation'
COLLEGE1 file- 'School Letters'
COLLEGE-GRAD - 'Vet School Students Learn Lesson'
COMPUTERS_SUP- 'Your Computer Could Be Killing You'
CONTRACTOR - 'Popsicle Stick Riddle'
DATING2 file - 'Couple Has Sex In A Van'
DENTIST file - 'How To Make Surgical Gloves'
DWARF file - 'Midget Cowboy's Balls Ache'
ELEPHANT - 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts'
ELDERLY1 - 'Elderly Couple Has Sex In Front Of Doctor'
......................- 'Elderly Couple Has Check-Up'
......................- 'Second Elderly Couple Has Check-Up Joke'
......................- '83 Year Old Lady Has Physical'
......................- 'Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering'
.........ELDERLY2 - '90-Year-Old Geezer Has Baby'
......................- 'Man Has Face Lift'
......................- 'Suicidel 83 Year Old Woman'
......................- '60 Year Old Man Discusses Family w/Doctor'
ELDERLY3 - 'Being Diagnosed With AAADD'
ELDERLY4 - 'Old Man Has Physical With Wife'
......................- 'Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2'
FACTS5 file - 'Doctor Gets Speeding Ticket'
FARMER2 file - 'Farmer And Young Bride Can't Get Enough Sex'
FART file - 'Woman Explodes During Operation'
......................- 'Old Lady See Doctor About Farting'
FOOD-SUPP - 'Parents Worry About Son's Small Penis'
......................- 'Doctor Gives Lecture On Dangerous Foods'
FROG file - 'Kermit Gets An X-Ray'
FUNERAL file - 'Heart Specialist Doctor's Funeral'
......................- 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him'
GAMES file - 'Doctor Called For Poker Game'
GAMES-SUPP - 'Longevity Game'
.........GAYS file - 'Liberace Goes To The Doctor'
......................- 'Guy Wakes Up With Two Rings'
GOLF2 file - 'The Blind Play Golf'
HANDICAPPED - 'Quasimodo Goes To The Doctor'
HOSPITAL1 - 'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy'
......................- 'Professor Lectures Medical Students'
......................- 'Wife Dying In Hospital'
......................- 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident'
......................- 'The Sunburn'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'True Hospital Stories'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Archie Bunker And The Doctor' - Movie
HOW MANY... - 'How Many Surgeons To Change Light Bulb?'
HUNTING file - 'Hunter Shoots Himself In The Arm'
IRISH1 file - 'Dying Irishman Goes To Bar'
KIDS5 file - 'It's Not Contagious, I Swear...'
......................- 'Child Talks To Elderly in Wheelchair'
LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer Astronaut'
......................- 'Lawyer And A Dying Friend'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Has Operation'
......................- 'Doctor Meets Lawyer On Riviera'
......................- 'Lawyer, Doctor, and Diogenes'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Wife Meets Wasp'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband To Die Tonight'
......................- 'Marrying A Younger Woman'
MARRIAGE4 - 'Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Doctor Examines Wifes Breasts'
MATH1 file - 'Merits Of A Wife Or A Mistress'
MONKEY file - 'College Girl Buys Monkey'
OTHER-OCCUP - 'How To End The Careers Of Professionals'
PENIS1 file - 'Penis Keeps Growing'
PENIS2 file - 'Self-Examination'
......................- 'Doctor Helps Man Get Erections'
......................- 'Orange Penis'
......................- 'Man In Accident Looses Penis'
......................- 'Stuttering Problem'
PENIS-SUPP - 'US Medical School Entrance Exam'
PHONE file - 'Veterinarian Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM'
PHONE-SUPP - 'iDoctor - Smartphone, The Future Of Medicine' - Movie
PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves Lives!'
PLANE1 file - 'Doctor And Minister On A Plane'
POLICE1 file - 'CHP Stops Fred'
PREGNANT file- 'Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting'
......................- 'Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question'
......................- 'Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant'
PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Bill Cosby - Where Babies Come From' - Movie
......................- 'Don't Go To The Doctor In June/July' - Movie
PRIEST1 file - 'The Priest Has A Baby'
PUSSY file - 'Trip To The OB/GYN'
......................- 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help'
PUSSY-SUPP - 'Doctor Finds A Growth' - Porn Video
RELIGION1 - 'PMS In The Bible'
SCOTTISH file- 'Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy'
SEX3 file - 'Different Types Of Sex - LOUD SEX:'
SEX-SUPP - 'Medical Warning'
SOLDIER2 file- 'ER Doctors Discusses Vets'
SPERM file - 'Harold And Sperm Specimen'
STAR TREK ETC- 'NASA Interviews Mars Astronauts'
STORIES file - 'Little Girl Buys A Miracle'
STRANDED - 'Jewish Doctor Stranded On Island'
TREE file - 'Lady Slides Down Tree And Sees Doctor'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon'
.........WORD-JOKES2 - 'Doctor's Word Riddle'
The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song (S580c,d)
By Bowser and Blue
From: cappucinid on 2/28/2008
"Bowser and Blue were a tremendous
hit at our convention"
The American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons. This
song is very funny. Click 'HERE' to listen to it.
Subj: Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart (S312, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/6/2003
A doctor tells a rich old man
that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor
to search the world for the best heart available, money is
A few days later the doctor calls
the old man and says he
has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor
that he is filthy rich and
implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged
to 22 year old marathon
runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was
in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to
the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man waving off the last
part about the cost asks
the doctor to tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year
old long- distance swimmer,
high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his
head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a
58 year-old man, smoked three
packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the
old man exclaimed, 'why so
'Well', said the doctor, 'this
heart belonged to a
lawyer... so it was never used!'
Subj: Gynecologist Trains To Be Auto Mechanic (S296, S480c)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2002
and From: flovilla on 4/2/2006
A gynecologist had become fed
up with malpractice insurance
and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try
another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical
college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he
was surprised to find that
he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he
called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered
if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During
the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark.
The instructor went on to say,
"I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."
Subj: Two Doctors Open Small Town Practice (S295b, S743)
..........From: gheckman on 9/21/2002
and From: gattica30 on 4/9/2011
Best friends graduated from medical
school at the same time
and decided that, in spite of two different specialties,
they would open a practice together to share office space
and personnel. The doctors opened an office in a small town
and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry
The town council was not too
happy with that sign, so the
doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors". This
was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
Next they tried "Catatonics and
High Colonics." Thumbs down
again. Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives."
Still not good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable
Becoming distraught, they tried
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and
Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the
doctors finally came up with a
business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council,
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ................... Odds and Ends."
Subj: Doctor Is Cross-Examined In Court (S37)
From: Playboy February 1997
Moved to 'Defence Attorney vs Doctor' in LAWYER1)
Subj: Two Bosnian Doctors (S19)
(Also see 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady' in COWBOYS)
Two Bosnian Doctors were having
lunch at a fine Restaurant
while visiting abroad. A man at a nearby table keels over
while clutching his throat. The two foreign doctors stand
up and announce to the dining room: "Everyone stand back,
we're doctors and we know what to do!"
Doctor number one drops his pants
and underwear, bends over,
exposing a fat and hairy ass. Doctor number two firmly
grasps his patner's buttocks and proceeds to *lick* the
exposed area between his cheeks... Meanwhile, the near-dead
choking victim becomes so grossed out by the sight of this
man licking that fat and hairy ass, he began to wretch and
gag, and expelled the piece of meat that was stuck in his
As the two MD's finished zipping
up, one of them says to the
other in a proud and knowing voice: "You see, the HINDLICK
Maneuver, it never fails!"
Subj: John Asks To Be Castrated (S345b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 4/10/2003
John says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
"Why on earth would you want
to do that?" asks the doctor
"It's something I've been thinking
about for a long time
and I want to have it done" replies John.
"But have you thought this through?"
asks the doctor, "It's
a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that," says John,
"and you're not going to
change my mind-- either you book me in to be castrated or
I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor,
"But it's against my better
So John has his operation, and
the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking
exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says John, "It looks
as if you've just had the
same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I
finally decided after 37 years
of life that I would like to be circumcised."
John stared at him in horror
and screamed, "Darn it!, I
KNEW that's what it's called!"
Subj: Man Is Castrated (S16, S725)
From: vcarlew on 97-11-20
and From: tom on 11/28/2010
Joe was moderately successful
in the career, but as he got
older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your
headaches. . .
The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have
a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and
depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his
mind was clear, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live
a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the
shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly
and said, "Let's see . . .
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure .."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see. . .34 sleeve
and . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's
right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it
fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet
and said, "Let's see. . .9
and a half. . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman
asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe
said, "Sure ... "
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was
feeling great, when the
salesman asked, "How about a new jockstrap?" Joe
thought for a second and said, "Sure ... "
The salesman stepped back, eyed
Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see. . you wear a 36 large jockstrap." Joe laughed,
"No, I've worn a 32 small since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head,
"You can't wear a 32 small.
It would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Subj: Doctor's Advice For Migraine Headaches (S12, S606)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-21
(Also see 'Hung Chow Too Sick To Work' in JOBS-SUPP)
A man goes to the doctor with
a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical,
he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every
therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have
migraines, too and the
advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I
learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've
gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine,
I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.
This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take
her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me,
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and
come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient
returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS!
I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST
time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient
adds, "You have a REALLY
Subj: Urine Sample (DU)
(Also see 'Tennis Elbow' in TENNIS)
A guy walks into the doctors
office, his arm is killing him.
Guy: "Doc my arm is killing me"
Doc: "Ok, just give me urine sample and we'll see whats wrong"
Guy: "A urine sample?! How the
hell are you going to find out
whats wrong with my arm from a urine sample?"
Doc: "Its the latest in Technology, just give me a sample..."
So the guy gives the doctor a
sample. The doctor pours it into
this machine. The machine goes "beep beep beep beep", the printer
goes "tick tick tick tick tick tick", "riiiiiiiiip" the paper is
torn out by the doctor who reads the analysis to the guy.
Doc: "Says here,Mr. Johnson, that what you got is tennis elbow."
Guy: "Well I'll be!"
Doc: "Here is another jar, come back in two weeks with another
sample and we'll see how your getting along"
The guy takes this jar home and
decides to really fuck this
doctor up good. He pisses into the bottle. He also gets his
teenage daughter to piss in the bottle. He has his wife piss in
the bottle too. He goes out to the garage, scrapes a little oil
off the floor, and puts that in the bottle. Finally he jacks
off into the bottle. Goes back to the doctor.
The doctor pours the bottle into
the machine. It takes about
five minutes this time. The machine goes "beep beep beep
beep", the printer goes "tick tick tick tick tick tick",
"riiiiiiiiip" the paper is torn out by the doctor who reads
the analysis to the guy.
Doc: "Hmm, says here that your
wife is pregnent, your daughter
is fucking everyone in the neighborhood, the volvo needs a
tune-up, and if you don't stop jacking off, your never going
to get rid of that tennis elbow!"
Subj: Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream (DU)
(Also see 'Offended Woman At A Bar' in BAR1)
A middle aged woman went to see
her doctor about a problem
she had with her pussy. The doctor called her into his room
and asked her to undress, and lie on the bed.
He walked over to her and said:
"I'm gonna fill your snatch
with ice cream, and eat every little bit out of it".
The lady, horrified at the doctors
suggestion, jumped to
her feet and ran to her husband who was waiting outside in
the car. She told him what had happened inside and said:
"Are you gonna do anything about that sicko in there or what?"
"No my dear, any man who can
eat that much ice-cream is
surely too big for me to handle!"
Subj: Doctor And The Voluptuous Woman (S10, S609)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26
A beautiful, voluptuous woman
goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his
professionalism goes out the window. Right away he
tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the
woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking
for any abrasions or
"That is right," says the doctor.
He then begins to
fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," says the woman, "you're
checking for any lumps
or breast cancer."
"Correct," replies the doctor.
He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her,
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're
getting herpes, which is why
I came here in the first place.."
Subj: Doctor, Buxom Lass And The Baby (S253, S532b)
From: KMACINTY on 12/3/2001
and From: SCOTCOB on 3/30/2007
A rather buxom and attractive
young lass walks into a doctor's
office with a baby in her arms. When asked by the doctor as
to the nature of the problem, she replied that the baby seemed
under nourished, and always acted as if he were hungry even
after he was fed.
The doctor carried out an extensive
examination of the baby
and could find nothing wrong, so he asked if the baby was
bottle or breast fed. "Breast fed," came the response from
the young lady.
"Then I'd best check you out
too. Strip to the waist please,"
said the doctor. The young lady, though embarrassed, did as
requested, revealing a perfect set of breasts.
The doctor weighed each one gently
with his hand, gave the
nipples a soft pinch and a tug and announced, "There's the
problem, your not producing any milk."
"And it's well that I am not..."
she purred with a wink....
"I'm the baby's aunt."
Subj: Two Doctors Operate On Owl While Hunting (S617c)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #5
An ear/nose/throat specialist
and an urologists were out
hunting. As was their custom, they each had a hip flask
filled with their favorite spirits. Near the end of the
day, the flasks were lighter, and both physicians were
somewhat inebriated. As they passed under a tree, they
noticed an old owl up in a high branch.
The ENT man said, "I bet you
I can climb up the tree,
whip out that owl's tonsils, and be back down here with-
out him noticing." Disbelieving, the urologist made the
bet. The ENT man shimmied up the tree, grabbed the owl,
whipped out his tonsils, and was back on the ground with-
out the bird even waking up. The urologist, not to be
outdone, said, "Well, I bet I can go up the tree, grab
that owl, and circumcise him without him waking up."
Naturally, the bet was taken.
The urologist shimmied
up the tree, grabbed the owl, performed the circumcision,
and was back down on the ground without the owl even
noticing. The two men went on about their way.
Several days later, the old owl
was flying over the same
forest with a younger owl. The young owl, noticing an
old tree with an inviting high branch, said, "Let's go
down and take a nap on that high branch."
The old owl said, "nothing doing!
Last week I took a
nap on that same branch, and ever since then I haven't
been able to hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot."
Subj: Proctology Examination (Picture) (S385)
From: Zeebarf toons 1999 on 6/12/2004
Subj: Hong Kong Dong (S395b, S692)
From: hellgunner50 on 8/21/2004
and From: tom on 4/25/2010
A man goes to his doctor and
complains that his penis is
developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series
of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the
"Have you been in the Far East
recently, within the last
year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave
expression on it. "That's what
I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting
to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there
is no way to cure the disease,
but you must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replied, "Of course
not. In something of such a
serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and
a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist
who told him essentially the
same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor
to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The
urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in
the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors
might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage
on an airline for Hong
Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that
Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of
tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he
fought back tears. "And am I
going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my
At that the man was astonished
to see the doctor break into
"What's so funny, Doc?
You mean I don't have to have
As the doctor regained control
of himself, he managed to
choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew!
Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis
cut off?" The man was
"Of course not! Just wait a couple
more weeks, and it'll
fall off by itself!"
Subj: Doctor And Granny
Johnnie's grandmother was dating
a doctor. Grannie was
visiting her sweetheart one morning when the phone rang.
It was her daughter, frantic!! "Johnnie has swallowed a
penny!!! I need to bring him in to see the doctor right
Grannie rushed to the doctor
to explain and asked, "Should
she take him to the emergency room???"
The doctor calmy replied, "Oh,
no... That's not necessary.
Just be sure to watch him closely for any change."
Subj: A Doctor And His Wife Fight (S211)
From: thebartend on 2/12/2001
A doctor and his wife were having
a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed
off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make
amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked
up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Subj: Five Surgeons Talk (S200, S548c)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-30
and From: redcatt on 7/11/2007
Five surgeons are taking a coffee
break. They are discussing
who makes the best patients to operate on.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants
are the best to operate on
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians
are the best. Everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians,
man! Everything inside
THEM is color-coded."
4th intercedes: "I like engineers...
they always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who
has been quietly listening to
the conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heart-
less, spineless, gut-less and their heads and their butts
Subj: Man Changes His Sex (DU)
I man goes to the doctor and
begs to become a woman, after
all the preliminary psych tests, it is found that he should
have the operation. Well after the operation the woman goes
back to see the doctor for the post-operative councilling.
The doctor asks: "Are you happy with being a woman?"
Woman: "Yes very happy
I feel like this really is the real
me, only one problem though, I wish I could fucking remember
how to reverse park!"
Subj: Teamster Sees The Doctor (S30, DU)
From: TNKRTEACH o n 97-08-22
A Teamster went to his doctor
this week. He had excruciating
chest pains, about which he was very worried. As good fortune
would have it, the doctor was currently not on a slow-down,
strike, work-to-rules or other labor action.
After a thorough examination,
the doctor told the man he had
some good news and some bad news.
The Teamster asked to hear the
good news first. "The only
problem is that the battery in your pacemaker is low," the
doctor informed the man.
"Well then, what can the bad news be?," asked the Teamster.
"The batteries are coming via UPS."
Subj: The Doctor And The Plumber (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #212 on 97-10-01
Doctor comes home and finds he
has no water so he calls a
The plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes.
The plumber turns around and
hands the doctor a bill for
The outraged doctor stammers
"I'm a Neuro-surgeon,not
some damn dumb plumber, and I dont even make that much
for 5 minutes work!"
The plumber smiles and says "Yeah,
I know, I didn't make that
much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either"
Subj: Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life (S242b)
From: The Bartenders on 10/16/1997
and From: dogbyte on 8/30/2001
A doctor had the reputation of
helping couples increase the
joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a
case if he felt he could not help them. The Smiths came to
see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
"On your way home from my office
stop at the grocery store
and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off
your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the
floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.
Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a
leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take
the doughnuts and from
across the room, toss them at your husband until you make
a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you
must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their
sex life became more and
They told their friends, Mr.
? Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and
said he would not take the case unless he felt that he
could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and
the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad
news. "I cannot help you,
so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life
is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
"The Greens pleaded with him,
and said, "You helped our
friends the Smiths, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor
said. "On your way home from
the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples
and a box of Cheerios..."
Subj: Man Has Tapeworm (S105)
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-12
A fellow walked into his doctor's
office, complaining that
he thought he might have a tapeworm. The doctor examined
the patient and listened to the symptoms. He concurred
with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow,
to start treatment.
And bring a banana and a cookie with you," said the
Despite the seemingly odd request,
our hero complied, and
returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The
doctor said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over.
This is going to hurt a bit." Although leery about the
turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent
The doctor peeled the banana
and with one deft motion
rammed it up the guy's ass.
The doctor consulted his watch
as our hero danced around
the room shouting at the physician.
"Okay, one minute is up, and
we have to complete the
second part of the treatment if your truly want to get
rid of this tapeworm," advised doctor. Despite the pain,
the patient did want to be cured, so complied with the
order to bend over again. The doctor took the cookie
and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see
you here at the same time,
and bring another banana and a cookie," ordered the doctor.
The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes,
nodded his head.
The following day, the same routine
ensued. First the
doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then
rammed up a cookie.
And the next day, and the next
day and the next!! Every
day UP went a banana, and then after one minute, UP went
After one full week of treatments,
the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you
to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very
frightened patient, trying
to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope,
a hammer," confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor said,
"Okay, you know the routine."
So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the
banana. The doctor looked at his watch and picked up the
One minute passed. Then
two minutes. Three. Four minutes
Suddenly a little head poked
out of the patient's ass,
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!"
Subj: Man Needs Brain Transplant (S339)
From: The Bartenders on 1/12/1997
and From: DoctorDebt on 7/10/2003
A man went to the doctor's.
The doctor came in and said,
"well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good
news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front
and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever
brain you'd like.
The man's brain costs $100,000.00
and the woman's brain
The patient could not help but
ask, "Why such a large difference
between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
Subj: Guilty Doctor (S477c)
From: ipkis on 97-11-20
and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006
Doctor Dave had slept with one
of his patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice
in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering... Dave.............
.....................you're a Vet !!!
Bizarro Cartoon (S651b)
By Dan Piraro
From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/29/2009
to read this cartoon about the disease
..............................Smiley the Doctor from Smiley_Central