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Subj:     Doctor2 Jokes
                 (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 22779,3,cf,md2,2)

Doctor Thinks
from
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  Doctors And Computers-Picture (S386b)
.........................Woman Runs Screaming From New Doctor (S304)
.........................A Visit To Doctor Clueless... (S301b)
.........................Guy Sees Doctor About His Asshole (S270d)
.........................72 Year Old Woman Wants Birth-Control Pills (S268)
.........................Woman Has Face Lift (S266c, S771)
.........................Doctor gives Man Suppositories (S258)
.........................Kiss Me, Doctor! (S246)
.........................Older Gent At Urologist's Office (S240b, S510)
.........................2 Drops Every 4 Hours (S240)
.........................Doctor Leaves Stethoscope On Car Seat (S129)
.........................Doctor Examines A Four Year Old (S129)
.........................Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine (S237b)
.........................Doctor's Sign: (S270d)
.........................Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant (S92, S828)
.........................New Schick Super II Spoiler Blade
.........................Medical Terms (S106)
.........................Understanding Medical Terminology (S79, S474)
.........................Doctor's Advice For Premature Ejaculation (S267b)
.........................Man Swallows His Glass Eye (S74)
.........................Man's First Visit To Proctologist (S45, S422b)
.........................Patient's Ball Turns Blue
.........................Hagar Comic Strip (S634c)
.........................Proctologist Studies In Morgue (S69, S651b)
.........................Man Visits Doctor's Office For His Dick (S312b, S779)
.........................Surgeon Consults Patient After Operation (S61)
.........................Bed Wetting Woman Sees Doctor (S51)
.........................Woman Goes On Anal Diet (S37)
.........................Doctor Prescribes A Diet (S293)
.........................Country Doctor And The Gossip
.........................Sol's Heart Condition
.........................A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients (S51)
.........................Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care (S46, S335)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S654)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Doctors And Computers-Picture (S386b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/10/2004
 Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200405/018.htm

 How to tell if your doctor is spending
 too much time on the computer.
 

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Woman Runs Screaming From New Doctor (S304)
          From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 11/29/2002

 A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by
 one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the
 examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down
 the hall.

 An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,
 and she told him her story. After listening, he had her
 sit down and relax in another room.

 The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where
 the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with
 you?  Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown
 children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
 pregnant?"

 The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
 without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     A Visit To Doctor Clueless... (S301b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/3/2002

 "Well, what have we here...?"
 He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

 "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
 I'm stalling for time.

 "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
 I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

 "Let me check your medical history."
 I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
 spending anymore time with you.

  "Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
 The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.  The
 bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

 "This should be taken care of right away."
 I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
 and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

 "Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
 I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

 "Let's see how it develops."
 Maybe in a few days it will grow into something
 that really needs to be cured.

 "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
 I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for
 a guinea pig.

 "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
 I think I'm going to throw up.

 "This may smart a little."
 Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

 "This should fix you up."
 The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe
 this stuff. Hope it works...

 "Everything seems to be normal."
 Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

 "I'd like to run some more tests."
 I can't figure out what's wrong.  Maybe the kid
 in the lab can solve this one.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Guy Sees Doctor About His Asshole (S270d)
          From: dogbyte on 3/25/2002

 A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole
 was feeling terribly sore.  The doctor asked him to drop
 his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

 "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill
 from the fellow's anus.  Another $20 bill appeared behind
 the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.

 And then another!  And another!  And many more.

 Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills
 from the fellow's ass, and began to count it.  (I sure hope
 that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)

 The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"

 And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     72 Year Old Woman Wants Birth-Control Pills (S268)
          From: thebartend on 3/19/2002

 An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office.  When the
 doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to
 have some birth-control pills."

 Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
 "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old.  What
 possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

 The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

 The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
 world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

 The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s
 orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Woman Has Face Lift (S266c, S612b)
          From: BennoRo on 3/5/2002
      and From: virv on 10/23/2011

 A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face
 lift.  The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The
 Knob."  A small knob is planted on the back of woman's head,
 and it can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the
 effect of a brand new facelift whenever the previous one
 starts to sag.  Of course, the woman chose to get "The Knob."

 Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
 and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
 looking and vibrant.

 After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
 two problems.  'All these years, everything has been working
 just fine.  I've had to turn the knob many times and I've
 always loved the results.  But, now I've developed two
 annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
 my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

 The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags;
 those are your breasts."

 "Oh," she replied, " well, I guess that explains the goatee."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor Gives Man Suppositories (S258)
          From: dogbyte on 1/6/2002

 A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and
 asks him what he can do.  The doctor replies that the illness
 is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository
 up his anal passage.  The man agrees, and so the doctor warns
 him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing
 way up his behind.  The doctor then hands him a second dose
 and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

 The man goes home and later that evening tries to get the
 second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot
 reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.  He
 calls his wife over and tells her what to do.  The wife nods,
 puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the
 other shoves the medicine home.  Suddenly the man screams,
 "DAMN!"  "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt
 you?"

 "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the
 doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Kiss Me, Doctor! (S246)
          From: dogbyte on 10/13/2001

 A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out
 "Doctor, kiss me!"

 The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of
 ethics to kiss you."

 About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor,
 please, kiss me just once!"

 Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I
 simply cannot kiss you."

 Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with
 her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

 "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you.  In
 fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Older Gent At Urologist's Office (S240b, S510)
          From: dogbyte on 9/6/2001

 An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who
 shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting
 room was filled with patients.

 He approached the receptionist desk.  The receptionist
 was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.
 He gave her his name.  In a VERY LOUD VOICE the
 receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE... YOU
 WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

 All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their
 head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

 He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
 replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
 OPERATION.... AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     2 Drops Every 4 Hours (S240)
          From: dogbyte on 9/1/2001

 My family physician told me of an incident that actually
 happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

 He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he
 determined right away that the baby had an earache.
 He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions
 he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours"
 and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

 Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby,
 complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his
 little behind was getting really greasy with all those
 drops of oil.

 The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure
 enough, the pharmacist had typed the following
 instructions on the label:

 "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor Leaves Stethoscope On Car Seat (S129)
          From: RWTmpkns on 7/17/99

 On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
 on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
 playing with it.  "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor,
 "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

 Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
 McDonald's.  May I take your order?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor Examines A Four Year Old (S129)
          From: RFSlick on 6/20/99

 A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.  As
 the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked,
 "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"  The little girl
 stayed silent.

 Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down
 her throat.  He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie
 Monster down there?"  Again, the little girl was silent.
 

 Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he
 listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll
 hear Barney in there?"

 "Oh, no!" the little girl replied.  "Jesus is in my heart.
 Barney's on my underpants."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine (S237b)
          From: auntieg on 99-01-01
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/15/2001

 A married couple went to the hospital together to have their
 baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
 invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
 mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they were
 willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

 The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining
 that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father
 had ever experienced before.  As the labor progressed, the
 husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and
 bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to
 20 percent pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.

 The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and
 was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this, they decided
 to try for fifty percent.  The husband continued to feel
 quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out his wife
 considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
 pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with
 virtually no pain.  She and her husband were ecstatic.

 However, when they got home, they found the mailman was dead
 on their porch.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor's Sign: (S270d)
          From: RFSlick on 98-11-26
      and From: dogbyte on 4/4/2002

 A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a
 newpractice.  He had a new sign painted and hung in front
 of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals
 and Hemorrhoids."

 The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him
 please to change it.  The Doctor was eager to please, so
 he put up a new sign: "Queers and Rears."

 The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so
 they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign
 that would not offendthe townspeople.

 So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds and
 Ends."

                            \\\//
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Subj:    Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant (S92, S828)
         From: RFSlick on 98-11-03
     and From: ginafm on 11/18/2012

 A doctor started having an affair with his nurse.  Shortly
 after this started, she announced that she had become
 pregnant.  Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a
 large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country,
 to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over
 there.

 "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

 "Well," he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a
 postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

 Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went
 off to Germany.

 Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
 him at his office.  "Dear, you received a very strange
 postcard in the mail today," she explained.  "I don't
 understand what it means!"

 "Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.

 Later that evening the Doctor came home, read the postcard,
 fell to the floor with a heart attack.  Paramedics rushed
 him to the ER.  The lead medic stayed back to comfort the
 wife.  He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
 arrest.  So the wife picked up the card and read "Sauerkraut,
 Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut:  Two with wieners, One without!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     New Schick Super II Spoiler Blade
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated on 5/22/1997

 A lady accidentally swallowed one of the new Schick Super
 II Blades.  She was experiencing some discomfort, and upon
 investigation, her doctor found that in one week's time,
 she had not only given herself a tonsillectomy, an
 appendectomy, and a complete hysterectomy, but had also
 castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, severed two
 fingers off of a casual acquaintance she met at a cocktail
 party, given her minister a hare-lip, cut off the tip of
 her boss' tongue, BUT the Schick Company found that the
 most wonderful news of all was that there were still twelve
 good shaves left in the blade.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Medical Terms (S106)
          From: auntieg on 99-02-03

 Benign................What you be after you be eight.

 Artery................The study of paintings.

 Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

 Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

 Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

 Catscan...............Searching for kitty.

 Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

 Colic.................A sheep dog.

 Coma..................A punctuation mark.

 D ? C.................Where Washington is.

 Dilate................To live long.

 Enema.................Not a friend.

 Fester................Quicker than someone else.

 Fibula................A small lie.

 Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

 G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

 Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

 Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

 Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

 Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

 Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

 Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

 Node..................Was aware of

 Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

 Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

 Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

 Post Operative........A letter carrier.

 Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

 Rectum................Darn near killed him.

 Secretion.............Hiding something.

 Seizure...............Roman emperor.

 Tablet................A small table.

 Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus
                       Station

 Tumor.................More than one.

 Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

 Varicose..............Near by/close by.

 Vein..................Conceited.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Understanding Medical Terminology (S79, S474)
          From: smiles on 98-07-31
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/15/2006

 (What doctors say, and what they're really thinking :)

 "This should be taken care of right away."
  I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
  profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

 "Let me check your medical history."
  I want to see if you've paid your last bill
  before spending anymore time with you.

 "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
  I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
  ---or--
  I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

 "We have some good news and some bad news."
  The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
  The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

 "Let's see how it develops."
  Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

 "Let me schedule you for some tests."
  I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

 "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
  He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

 "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
  I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

 "This may smart a little."
  Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

 "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
  I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

 "This should fix you up."
  The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

 "Everything seems to be normal."
  Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

 "I'd like to run some more tests."
  I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid
  in the lab can solve this one.

 "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
  You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only
  find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/15/2006

  "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
  I have no clue? would you mind giving me a clue.

  "There is a lot of that going around."
  Wow, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
  something about this.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Doctor's Advice For Premature Ejaculation (S267b)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-23
      and From: CatScratch on 3/13/2002

 A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so
 he decided to go to the doctor.  He asked the doctor what
 could he do to cure his problem.  In response the doctor
 said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate
 try startling yourself".

 That same day the man went to the store and bought himself
 a starter pistol.  All excited to try this suggestion out
 he runs home to his wife.

 At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her
 husband.  As the two begin, they find themselves in the
 '69' position.  The man, moments later, feels the sudden
 urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

 The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor
 asked, "How did it go?"

 The man answered, "Not that well..when I fired the pistol
 my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and
 my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the
 air!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Man Swallows His Glass Eye (S74)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #157 on 98-06-28

 A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man
 accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

 He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects,
 so he forgot about it.

 Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
 instructions, undressed, and bent over.

 The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the
 man's rectum was the eye staring right back at him.

 "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to
 trust me."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Man's First Visit To Proctologist (S45, S422b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #270 on 97-12-08
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/21/2005

 I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal
 exam.  His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
 and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the
 doctor could see me.  She said that he would only be a few
 minutes.

 After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
 While waiting I observed that there were three items on a
 stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly; -- a
 rubber glove; -- and a can of beer.

 When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is
 my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know
 what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"  At
 this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and
 stormed over to the door.

 The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse,
 "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Patient's Ball Turns Blue
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #251 on 98-06-01

 "I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of
 my balls has turned blue."

 The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the
 patient dies if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

 "Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient, "How could I let you
 do such a thing to me!"

 "You want to die?" asks the doctor retorically, and the
 patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

 But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I
 don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned
 blue, too."

 Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other
 testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very
 reluctant to the idea.

 "Hey, you want to die?", asks the doc, and the patient has
 to agree with the operation.  But, about two weeks after
 he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor. "I think
 something is very wrong with me.  My penis is now completely
 blue."

 After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the
 bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go.  Of
 course, he does not want to hear about it.

 "You want to die?" asks the doctor.

 "But... how do I pee?"

 "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
 So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation,
 the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office.  He is
 very angry.

 "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

 "What?"

 "Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

 So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
 "Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the jeans?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S634c)
          by Chris Browne
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 2/27/2009
 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/comics
........./king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible

 In this comic strip Hagar discusses his new diet.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Proctologist Studies In Morgue (S69, S651b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-05-22
      and From: SamHutkins on 6/26/2009

 There was a guy who wanted to be a proctologist, and he
 wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to
 go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.
 (don't ask)

 Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his
 ass.  He thinks it's quite strange, so he pulls it out and
 music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't
 wait to get on the road again..."

 The guy really freaks out!  He runs and gets the Medical
 Examiner and drags him back to the table. "Look!" he says,
 and pulls the cork out and it starts playing. "...On the
 road again..."

 The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed..."So what?"
 he says.

 "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the
 guy asked.  "Are you kidding?" says the Medical Examiner.
 "Any asshole can sing country music!"

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Subj:     Man Visits Doctor's Office For His Dick (S312b, S779)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
      and From: From: jcary on 12/18/2011

 A man walked into a crowded doctor's office.  As he
 approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir,
 may we help you?"

 "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You
 shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things
 like that."

 "Why not?  You asked me what was wrong and I told
 you." he said.

 "We do not use language like that here," she said.
 "Please go outside and come back in and say that
 there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."

 The man walked out, waited several minutes and
 reentered.  The receptionist smiled smugly and
 asked, "Yes?"

 "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
 The receptionist nodded approvingly.  "And what is
 wrong with your ear, sir?"

 "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

 The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

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Subj:     Surgeon Consults Patient After Operation (S61)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28

 When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day
 after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

 So the dctor she asked. "What's wrong?"

 "Well this is a bit embarassing for me, but just how long
 will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

 "Uh..." stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

 "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned
 surgeon.  "You're the first patient to ever ask me that
 after a tonsillectomy."

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Subj:     Bed Wetting Woman Sees Doctor (S51)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07
          (See 'Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex' in MARRIAGE2)

 A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting
 problem.  The doctors asked her the usual questions and then
 asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes.
 She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

 When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in
 front of and facing a full length mirror.  The young woman
 was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem
 she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

 As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open
 her legs and when she did he put his head between them and
 rested his chin right on her private parts.  After a few
 moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the
 doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

 After she had the doctor sat her down and informed her that
 the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking
 far too much liquid before going to bed.

 "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

 "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would
 suit me."

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Subj:     Woman Goes On Anal Diet (S37)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #214 on 97-10-05

 This woman goes to the doctor wanting to lose a bunch
 of weight...so he says to her, "Well, we have a lot of
 diets, but they are really expensive, but we DO have this
 new experimental diet that seems to work...the only thing
 is...every thing you eat, you have to ingest ANALLY."

 So...the woman tries it....about 6 weeks later, she comes
 back in to the office...she is walkin' sort of bent over,
 and she is swayin' her butt WAAAYYY to the left, and
 WAAYYY to the right...she walks this way down the hall
 and into his office....

 The Doctor says to her, "Can I help you?" and she says,
 "DOC! IT'S ME!!" He said, "OH MY GOD!! YOU LOOK WONDERFUL!!"
 and she says, "I LOST 150 lbs.!!"  So he tells her, "THAT'S
 GREAT! Now...wait here a minute...I wanna go prescribe
 something for that limp you have."

 And she says, "LIMP HELL? I'M CHEWIN' GUM!!!"

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Subj:     Doctor Prescribes A Diet (S293)
          From: DR SWITZER on 98-02-24
      and From: coreymac on 9/10/2002

 Miss Horn was grotesquely overweight, so her doctor prescribed
 a strict regiment, telling her it was the only way to avoid
 serious health problems in the future.

 "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day and
 drink only water.  Repeat this three times, and by the time I
 see you next Thursday you'll have lost at least 6 pounds."

 The patient promised to obey, and indeed, when she showed up
 for her next appointment the next week, she was almost 15
 pounds lighter.  "Excellent progress, Miss Horn!" the doctor
 said.  "And you lost all this weight simply by following my
 instructions?"

 Miss Horn nodded.  "It wasn't easy, though, Doctor."  She
 admitted.  "On the third day I felt like I was about to die!"

 "From hunger, huh?"

 "No, no," she replied, "from skipping."

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Subj:     Country Doctor And The Gossip
          From: bawdymom on 98-02-18

 The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an
 outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip.

 "Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"

 "Well, the child was born without a penis."

 "Oh my goodness!!"

 "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

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Subj:     Sol's Heart Condition
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle
 of the night, apparently with a heart attack.  In a couple
 of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and
 says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely
 well.  You have the heart function that you did when you
 were a fifteen-year-old lad.  We're going to send you home
 tomorrow.  You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
 physical exercise that you like."  Mr.Steinberg goes home
 and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll
 never believe it: I'm completely well.  I have no worries
 with my heart.  Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
 make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
 sex....you'll love it! Doris thinks for a minute and says,
 "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart
 conditions.  I don't want it to be on my head if you croak
 while we are making love.  Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor
 wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I
 would have such sex with you..." Mr. Steinberg was dejected,
 but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor
 tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
 Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a
 patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old
 lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time
 that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.......

 Now, I'll just address this...  By the way, Sol, what's your
 wife's first name?"

 Oh, just make it out to. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN.

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Subj:     A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients (S51)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #7 on 98-01-07

  1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
     Involvement with the patient's  suffering might cause
     him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

  2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and
     trying life and requires all the gentleness and
     reassurance he can get.

  3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING
     TREATED.  Remember that your doctor has a professional
     reputation to uphold.

  4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
     You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep
     insight into the true nature of your illness, which
     transcends any mere permanent disability you may have
     experienced.

  5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR
     WHY HE IS DOING IT.  It is presumptuous to assume that
     such profound matters could be explained in terms that
     you would understand.

  6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.  Though
     the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
     research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

  7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.  You
     should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
     modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other
     humanitarians.

  8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.  It
     is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond
     your means.

  9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO
     LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.  The
     patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you
     have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS
     DIRECT CARE.  This will only cause him needless
     inconvenience and embarrassment.

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Subj:     Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care (S46, S335)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #278 on 97-12-15
      and From: szalay on 6/26/2003

 Q. What does HMO stand for?
 A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"
    Its roots go back  to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe
    Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to
    forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
    enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the physical
    finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail
    and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
 A. No.  Only those you need.

 Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to
    choose the doctor I want?
 A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
    Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all
    the doctors who were participating in the plan at the
    time the information was gathered.  These doctors
    basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
    longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
    you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry
    -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
    accepting new patients has an office just a half day's
    drive away!

 Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
 A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged
    when they want to talk about existing conditions.
    Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

 Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
 A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
    the name brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it
    gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?
 A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
    yearly cap.  My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-
    patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill.  What
    should I do?
 A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reim-
    bursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest
    the money for you in one of those great offers that only
    doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or
    frog hatcheries.

 Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
 A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

 Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
 A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time
    seeing your primary care physician.  It's best to wait
    until you return, and then get sick.

 Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists
    he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner
    really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
 A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is
    the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at
    it.

 Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
 A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

 Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
 A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
    appointment by then.

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Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S654)
          By Dan Piraro
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/18/2009
 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_bizarro.html?name=Bizarro

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.

                            \\\//
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Another Smiley the Doctor from
Smiley_Central
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