Subj: Doctor2 Jokes
(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 22779,3,cf)
Doctor Thinks
from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: Doctor2 Jokes (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 22779,3,cf) |
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Doctor Thinks from Accent on Animation |
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Subj: Doctors
And Computers-Picture (S386b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/10/2004
Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200405/018.htm
How to tell if your doctor is
spending
too much time on the computer.
 |
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Subj: Woman
Runs Screaming From New Doctor (S304)
From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 11/29/2002
A woman went to the doctor's
office. Where she was seen by
one of the new doctors, but
after about 4 minutes in the
examination room, she burst
out, screaming as she ran down
the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and
asked what the problem was,
and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her
sit down and relax in another
room.
The older doctor marched down
the hallway back to where
the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown
children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was
pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write
on his clipboard and
without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?
\\\//
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Subj: A Visit
To Doctor Clueless... (S301b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/3/2002
"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Well, we're not feeling so well
today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.
"If it doesn't clear up in a
week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe
it will go away by itself.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid
your
last bill before
spending anymore time with you.
"Well, now, we have some good
news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going
to buy that new BMW. The
bad news is, you're going to
pay for it.
"This should be taken care of
right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to
fix it before it cures itself.
"Let me schedule you for some
lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest
in the lab.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something
that really needs to be cured.
"I'd like to prescribe a new
drug."
I'm writing a paper and would
like to use you for
a guinea pig.
"That's quite a nasty looking
wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients almost
bit off their tongues.
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe
this stuff. Hope it works...
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that
new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong.
Maybe the kid
in the lab can solve this one.
\\\//
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Subj: Guy
Sees Doctor About His Asshole (S270d)
From: dogbyte on 3/25/2002
A fellow went to his doctor complaining
that his asshole
was feeling terribly sore.
The doctor asked him to drop
his drawers and bend over so
he could take a look.
"It's amazing!" the doctor said,
as he pulled a $20 bill
from the fellow's anus.
Another $20 bill appeared behind
the first one, so the doctor
pulled it out, too.
And then another! And another! And many more.
Finally, the doctor had pulled
the whole pile of $20 bills
from the fellow's ass, and began
to count it. (I sure hope
that the doctor doesn't lick
his thumb when he counts money)
The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"
And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
\\\//
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Subj: 72 Year
Old Woman Wants Birth-Control Pills (S268)
From: thebartend on 3/19/2002
An elderly woman went into the
doctor`s office. When the
doctor asked why she was there,
she replied, "I`d like to
have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought
for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but
you`re 72 years old. What
possible use could you have
for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more
and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills
help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put
them in my granddaughter`s
orange juice every morning and
I sleep better at night."
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
Has Face Lift (S266c, S612b)
From: BennoRo on 3/5/2002
and
From: virv on 10/23/2011
A woman in her forties went to
a plastic surgeon for a face
lift. The doctor told
her of a new procedure called "The
Knob." A small knob is
planted on the back of woman's head,
and it can be turned to tighten
up the skin to produce the
effect of a brand new facelift
whenever the previous one
starts to sag. Of course,
the woman chose to get "The Knob."
Over the course of the years,
the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful,
the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman
returned to the surgeon with
two problems. 'All these
years, everything has been working
just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've
always loved the results.
But, now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I
have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get
rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely
and said, "Those aren't bags;
those are your breasts."
"Oh," she replied, " well, I guess that explains the goatee."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Gives Man Suppositories (S258)
From: dogbyte on 1/6/2002
A man with a bad stomach complaint
goes to his doctor and
asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness
is quite serious but can be
cured by inserting a suppository
up his anal passage. The
man agrees, and so the doctor warns
him of the pain, tells him to
bend over and shoves the thing
way up his behind. The
doctor then hands him a second dose
and tells him to do the same
thing in six hours.
The man goes home and later that
evening tries to get the
second suppository inserted,
but he finds that he cannot
reach himself properly to obtain
the required depth. He
calls his wife over and tells
her what to do. The wife nods,
puts one hand on his shoulder
to steady him and with the
other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams,
"DAMN!" "What's the matter?"
asked the wife, "Did I hurt
you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I
just realized that when the
doctor did that, he had BOTH
hands on my shoulder."
\\\//
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Subj: Kiss
Me, Doctor! (S246)
From: dogbyte on 10/13/2001
A woman is in her doctor's office,
and suddenly shouts out
"Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says
"It's against the code of
ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman
again shouts out "Doctor,
please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically,
and says "As a doctor I
simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass,
and the woman pleads with
her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor,
please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry.
I just CANNOT kiss you. In
fact, I probably shouldn't even
be screwing you right now."
\\\//
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Subj: Older
Gent At Urologist's Office (S240b, S510)
From: dogbyte on 9/6/2001
An older gent had an appointment
to see a urologist who
shared an office with several
other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist
desk. The receptionist
was a large imposing woman who
looked like a wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a VERY LOUD VOICE the
receptionist said, "YES, I SEE
YOUR NAME HERE... YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting
room snapped their
head around to look at the very
embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though,
and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE
ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION.... AND I'D LIKE THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
\\\//
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Subj: 2 Drops
Every 4 Hours (S240)
From: dogbyte on 9/1/2001
My family physician told me of
an incident that actually
happened to him back in the
early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby
to see him, and he
determined right away that the
baby had an earache.
He wrote a prescription for
ear drops. In the directions
he wrote, "Put two drops in
right ear every four hours"
and he abbreviated "right" as
an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the
woman returned with her baby,
complaining that the baby still
had an earache, and his
little behind was getting really
greasy with all those
drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle
of ear drops and sure
enough, the pharmacist had typed
the following
instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Leaves Stethoscope On Car Seat (S129)
From: RWTmpkns on 7/17/99
On the way to preschool, the
doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began
playing with it. "Be still,
my heart," thought the doctor,
"my daughter wants to follow
in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the
instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take
your order?"
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Examines A Four Year Old (S129)
From: RFSlick on 6/20/99
A four year old was at the pediatrician
for a check up. As
the doctor looked down her ears
with an otoscope, he asked,
"Do you think I'll find Big
Bird in here?" The little girl
stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue
depressor and looked down
her throat. He asked,
"Do you think I'll find the Cookie
Monster down there?" Again,
the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope
to her chest. As he
listened to her heart beat,
he asked, "Do you think I'll
hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied.
"Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Invents Pain Transfer Machine (S237b)
From: auntieg on 99-01-01
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/15/2001
A married couple went to the
hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their
arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They
were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10
percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably
more pain than the father
had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine, so he asked
the doctor to go ahead and
bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to
20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at how well he was
doing. At this, they decided
to try for fifty percent.
The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out his wife
considerably, he encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She
and her husband were ecstatic.
However, when they got home,
they found the mailman was dead
on their porch.
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor's
Sign: (S270d)
From: RFSlick on 98-11-26
and
From: dogbyte on 4/4/2002
A young doctor had moved into
town and was setting up a
newpractice. He had a
new sign painted and hung in front
of his office, proclaiming his
specialties: "Homosexuals
and Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with
the sign and asked him
please to change it. The
Doctor was eager to please, so
he put up a new sign: "Queers
and Rears."
The town fathers were really
fuming about that one, so
they demanded that the Doctor
come up with a decent sign
that would not offendthe townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an
acceptable sign: "Odds and
Ends."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor Gets
Nurse Pregnant (S92, S597c)
From: RFSlick on 98-11-03
and From:
philsam on 6/28/2008
A doctor started having an affair
with his nurse. Shortly
after this started, she announced
that she had become
pregnant. Not wanting
his wife to find out, he gave her a
large amount of money and asked
her to go out of the country,
to Germany, to wait out the
pregnancy and have the baby over
there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "after you've
had the baby, just send me a
postcard and write 'sauerkraut'
on the back."
Not knowing what else to do,
she took the money and went
off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one
day the doctor's wife called
him at his office. "Dear,
you received a very strange
postcard in the mail today,"
she explained. "I don't
understand what it means!"
"Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening the Doctor
came home, read the postcard,
fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed
him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the
wife. He asked what trauma
had precipitated the cardiac
arrest. So the wife picked
up the card and read "Sauerkraut,
Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut:
Two with wieners, One without!"
\\\//
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Subj: New
Schick Super II Spoiler Blade
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated on 5/22/1997
A lady accidentally swallowed
one of the new Schick Super
II Blades. She was experiencing
some discomfort, and upon
investigation, her doctor found
that in one week's time,
she had not only given herself
a tonsillectomy, an
appendectomy, and a complete
hysterectomy, but had also
castrated her husband, circumcised
her lover, severed two
fingers off of a casual acquaintance
she met at a cocktail
party, given her minister a
hare-lip, cut off the tip of
her boss' tongue, BUT the Schick
Company found that the
most wonderful news of all was
that there were still twelve
good shaves left in the blade.
\\\//
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Subj: Medical
Terms (S106)
From: auntieg on 99-02-03
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D ? C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting
sick at the Bus
Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
\\\//
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Subj: Understanding
Medical Terminology (S79, S474)
From: smiles on 98-07-31
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/15/2006
(What doctors say, and what they're really thinking :)
"This should be taken care of
right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix
it before it cures itself.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid
your last bill
before spending anymore time
with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment
later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon,
and this a waste of time.
---or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging
you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some
bad news."
The good news is, I'm going
to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going
to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some
tests."
I have a forty percent interest
in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate
look at you."
He's going through a messy
divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new
drug."
I'm writing a paper and would
like to use you for a guinea pig.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit
off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well
today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who
are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that
new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong.
Maybe the kid
in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress
could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse
rat. Now, if I can only
find a shrink who'll split
fees with me ...
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/15/2006
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
I have no clue? would you mind
giving me a clue.
"There is a lot of that going
around."
Wow, that's the third one this
week. I'd better learn
something about this.
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor's
Advice For Premature Ejaculation (S267b)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-23
and
From: CatScratch on 3/13/2002
A man was having problems with
premature ejaculation so
he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what
could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor
said, "When you feel like you
are getting ready to ejaculate
try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to
the store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All
excited to try this suggestion out
he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked
and waiting on her
husband. As the two begin,
they find themselves in the
'69' position. The man,
moments later, feels the sudden
urge to come and fires the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back
to the doctor. The doctor
asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well..when
I fired the pistol
my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and
my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the
air!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Swallows His Glass Eye (S74)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #157 on 98-06-28
A few days before his proctological
exam, a one eyed man
accidentally swallowed his glass
eye.
He was worried for a while, but
there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office,
the man followed
instructions, undressed, and
bent over.
The first thing the proctologist
saw when he looked up the
man's rectum was the eye staring
right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor,
"you really have to learn to
trust me."
\\\//
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Subj: Man's
First Visit To Proctologist (S45, S422b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #270 on 97-12-08
and
From: DoctorDebt on 2/21/2005
I went into my proctologist's
office for my first rectal
exam. His new nurse, Elaine,
took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed
and have a seat until the
doctor could see me. She
said that he would only be a few
minutes.
After putting on the gown that
she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that
there were three items on a
stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly; -- a
rubber glove; -- and a can of
beer.
When the doctor came in, the
man said, "Look Doc, this is
my first exam... I know what
the K-Y is for... and I know
what the glove is for... but
what's the BEER for?" At
this instant, the doctor became
noticeably outraged and
stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and
yelled to his nurse,
"Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT
LIGHT!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Patient's
Ball Turns Blue
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #251 on 98-06-01
"I think I have a problem, Doc."
says the patient, "One of
my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly
and concludes the
patient dies if he doesn't have
his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the
patient, "How could I let you
do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor
retorically, and the
patient has to agree to have
his testicle removed.
But, two weeks after the operation,
he comes back. "Doc, I
don't know how to say this,
but the other ball has turned
blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if
he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too,
and, again, the man is very
reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?", asks
the doc, and the patient has
to agree with the operation.
But, about two weeks after
he is testicleless, he returns
to the doctor. "I think
something is very wrong with
me. My penis is now completely
blue."
After briefly examining the patient,
the doc gives him the
bad news: if he wants to live,
his penis has to go. Of
course, he does not want to
hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe,
and there will be no problem."
So, he has his penis removed,
and, a while after the operation,
the unfortunate man enters,
again, the doctor's office. He is
very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"
So, the doctor examines the patient
more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know, could it
be the jeans?"
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Hagar Comic Strip (S634c)
by Chris Browne From: WashingtonPost.com on 2/27/2009 |
In this comic strip Hagar discusses
his new diet.
Click 'HERE'
to view it.
\\\//
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Subj: Proctologist
Studies In Morgue (S69, S651b)
From: RFSlick on 98-05-22
and
From: SamHutkins on 6/26/2009
There was a guy who wanted to
be a proctologist, and he
wants to be a really good proctologist,
so he decides to
go down to the morgue after
class and practice a little.
(don't ask)
Well, he uncovers the first guy
and there is a cork in his
ass. He thinks it's quite
strange, so he pulls it out and
music starts playing! "...On
the road again, just can't
wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out!
He runs and gets the Medical
Examiner and drags him back
to the table. "Look!" he says,
and pulls the cork out and it
starts playing. "...On the
road again..."
The Medical Examiner is totally
unimpressed..."So what?"
he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing
thing you've ever seen?" the
guy asked. "Are you kidding?"
says the Medical Examiner.
"Any asshole can sing country
music!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Visits Doctor's Office For His Dick (S312b, S779)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
and
From: From: jcary on 12/18/2011
A man walked into a crowded doctor's
office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist
asked, "Yes sir,
may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated
and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded
office and say things
like that."
"Why not? You asked me
what was wrong and I told
you." he said.
"We do not use language like
that here," she said.
"Please go outside and come
back in and say that
there's something wrong with
your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several
minutes and
reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and
asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with
my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is
wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
\\\//
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Subj: Surgeon
Consults Patient After Operation (S61)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28
When the surgeon came to see
his young patient on the day
after her operation, she was
slightly embarrassed.
So the dctor she asked. "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarassing
for me, but just how long
will it be before I can resume
my normal sex life?"
"Uh..." stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought
about it." replied the stunned
surgeon. "You're the first
patient to ever ask me that
after a tonsillectomy."
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Subj: Bed
Wetting Woman Sees Doctor (S51)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07
(See 'Husband
Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex' in MARRIAGE2)
A young woman visited her doctor
complaining of a bed wetting
problem. The doctors asked
her the usual questions and then
asked her to go behind the screen
and remove her clothes.
She was a bit shocked but went
ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked
her to stand on her hands in
front of and facing a full length
mirror. The young woman
was even more shocked but if
it would help solve her problem
she thought she had better do
what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position
the doctor asked her to open
her legs and when she did he
put his head between them and
rested his chin right on her
private parts. After a few
moments and some very positive
'yes, yes' type noises the
doctor instructed her to get
dressed again.
After she had the doctor sat
her down and informed her that
the main cause of her problem
was just that she was drinking
far too much liquid before going
to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
"Well," said the doctor, "my
wife is right, a beard would
suit me."
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Subj: Woman
Goes On Anal Diet (S37)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #214 on 97-10-05
This woman goes to the doctor
wanting to lose a bunch
of weight...so he says to her,
"Well, we have a lot of
diets, but they are really expensive,
but we DO have this
new experimental diet that seems
to work...the only thing
is...every thing you eat, you
have to ingest ANALLY."
So...the woman tries it....about
6 weeks later, she comes
back in to the office...she
is walkin' sort of bent over,
and she is swayin' her butt
WAAAYYY to the left, and
WAAYYY to the right...she walks
this way down the hall
and into his office....
The Doctor says to her, "Can
I help you?" and she says,
"DOC! IT'S ME!!" He said, "OH
MY GOD!! YOU LOOK WONDERFUL!!"
and she says, "I LOST 150 lbs.!!"
So he tells her, "THAT'S
GREAT! Now...wait here a minute...I
wanna go prescribe
something for that limp you
have."
And she says, "LIMP HELL? I'M CHEWIN' GUM!!!"
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Subj: Doctor
Prescribes A Diet (S293)
From: DR SWITZER on 98-02-24
and
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
Miss Horn was grotesquely overweight,
so her doctor prescribed
a strict regiment, telling her
it was the only way to avoid
serious health problems in the
future.
"I want you to eat normally for
two days, then skip a day and
drink only water. Repeat
this three times, and by the time I
see you next Thursday you'll
have lost at least 6 pounds."
The patient promised to obey,
and indeed, when she showed up
for her next appointment the
next week, she was almost 15
pounds lighter. "Excellent
progress, Miss Horn!" the doctor
said. "And you lost all
this weight simply by following my
instructions?"
Miss Horn nodded. "It wasn't
easy, though, Doctor." She
admitted. "On the third
day I felt like I was about to die!"
"From hunger, huh?"
"No, no," she replied, "from skipping."
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Subj: Country
Doctor And The Gossip
From: bawdymom on 98-02-18
The country doctor was just returning
from a delivery at an
outlying ranch, when he crossed
paths with the town gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis."
"Oh my goodness!!"
"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."
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Subj: Sol's
Heart Condition
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg
to the hospital in the middle
of the night, apparently with
a heart attack. In a couple
of days Mr. Steinberg's physician
comes into his room and
says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell
you that you are completely
well. You have the heart
function that you did when you
were a fifteen-year-old lad.
We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have
to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr.Steinberg goes home
and that evening is talking
with his wife: "Doris, you'll
never believe it: I'm completely
well. I have no worries
with my heart. Tonight,
Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never
had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it! Doris
thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart
conditions. I don't want
it to be on my head if you croak
while we are making love.
Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor
wrote a note to me saying that
everything was OK... maybe I
would have such sex with you..."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected,
but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor
tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol,
no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a
patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old
lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time
that he so desires, signed,
Dr. Aaron Katz.......
Now, I'll just address this...
By the way, Sol, what's your
wife's first name?"
Oh, just make it out to. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN.
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Subj: A Code
Of Ethical Behavior For Patients (S51)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #7 on 98-01-07
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR
TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement
with the patient's suffering might cause
him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and
trying life
and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance
he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE
FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING
TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional
reputation
to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT
FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must
believe that your doctor has achieved a deep
insight into
the true nature of your illness, which
transcends
any mere permanent disability you may have
experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO
EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR
WHY HE IS
DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that
such profound
matters could be explained in terms that
you would
understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL
TREATMENT READILY. Though
the surgery
may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research
paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY
AND WILLINGLY. You
should consider
it a privilege to contribute, however
modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other
humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS
THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It
is sheer
arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond
your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS
THAT HAVE COME TO
LIGHT IN
THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The
patient-doctor
relationship is a privileged one, and you
have a sacred
duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S
PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS
DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless
inconvenience
and embarrassment.
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Subj: Frequently
Asked Questions About Health Care (S46, S335)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #278 on 97-12-15
and
From: szalay on 6/26/2003
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation
of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"
Its roots go back
to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe
Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to
forget about the
pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes.
Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with
hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail
and referral slips,
but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures
require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you
need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO.
How difficult will it be to
choose the doctor
I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult
than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will
provide you with a book listing all
the doctors who
were participating in the plan at the
time the information
was gathered. These doctors
basically fall
into two categories -- those who are no
longer accepting
new patients, and those who will see
you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don't worry
-- the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients
has an office just a half day's
drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by
the grammatically challenged
when they want
to talk about existing conditions.
Unfortunately,
we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for
my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they
don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to
try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative
forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers
generic drugs, but I need
the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it
gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with
a $200 deductible and a $2,000
yearly cap.
My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-
patient surgery,
but I'd already paid my bill. What
should I do?
A. You have two choices.
Your doctor can sign the reim-
bursement check
over to you, or you can ask him to invest
the money for you
in one of those great offers that only
doctors and dentists
hear about, like windmill farms or
frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get
sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different
part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away
from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
You'll have a hard time
seeing your primary
care physician. It's best to wait
until you return,
and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist,
but my doctor insists
he can handle my
problem. Can a general practitioner
really perform
a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering
that all you're risking is
the $10 co-payment,
there's no harm giving him a shot at
it.
Q. What accounts for the largest
portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup
their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different
in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right
now, you might get an
appointment by
then.
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| Subj:
Bizarro Cartoon (S654)
By Dan Piraro From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/18/2009 |
 |
Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.
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 |
Another Smiley the Doctor from
Smiley_Central |