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Subj:     Farmer1 Jokes
                 (Includes 29 jokes and articles, 26 1023n,7,cf,wXT2a,5)

Barn from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Scarecrow Cartoon (S399)
.........................World's Biggest Dairy Farm - Video (S657)
.........................Reporter Interviews Alabama Farmer (S611c)
.........................Blonde City Girl And The Colorado Rancher (S535b, S843)
.........................Farmer Sells The Farm (S295)
.........................The Farmer Sutra - dirty Cartoon (S493c)
.........................The Farmer And The Gub'ment Official (S534c)
.........................Selling Peaches Door To Door (S501b)
.........................You Might Be a Farmer If... (S468b)
.........................Growing Award Winning Corn - Web Page (S977)
.........................Pretty Blonde Spends Night In Farm House (S25, DU)
.........................Farmer Wants A Divorce (S08, S712)
.........................Johnny Kicks The Animals (S183, S539c)
.........................Pig Fucking (DU)
.........................Farmer And His Three Daughters (S188)
.........................Farmer And His Three Daughters II - Video (S615b)
.........................Three Aggie Students Ask Favor Of Farmer (DU)
.........................Farmer And The Kid (S186)
.........................Farmer And East Indian (S187)
.........................Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House (S129, S398)
.........................Flat Tire Near Farm (DU)
.........................Farmer Tries To Inseminate Pigs (S159, S321)
.........................Mating Pigs (S618)
.........................The Argyle Sweater - Cartoon (S906)
.........................Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law (S45, S572b)
.........................Joke From President Lincoln (S190)
.........................Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow
.........................Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident (S31, S769)
.........................Courting On The Porch And Watching The Cows
.........................Farm Boy, His Gal And His Rope
.........................A Christmas To Remember - Web Page (S569)

Also see ANAGRAM file - 'Box Lunch Auction w/Anagram'
         BAR2 file    - 'Two Triple Martinis At A Bar'
         BATHROOM file- 'Boy Pushes Over Outhouse'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'The House Behind The House - Poem'
         BIRDS file   - 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure'
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'City Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
......................- 'Rooster Race'
......................- 'Randy The Love Crazed Rooster'
......................- 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Two Men Fight Over Duck'
         BIRDS-PARROT - 'Farmer's Parrot Screws Turkeys'
         BLONDE file  - 'Two Sisters Buy A Bull'
         CAR1 file    - 'Man Paints Porch'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Technology For Country Folk'
         COWBOY file  - 'Ventriloquist Cowboy And The Rancher'
         COWS-Sheep   - 'Stud Bulls At The State Fair'
......................- 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
......................- 'Cross-Eyed Cow'
......................- 'Farmer Delivers A Baby Calf'
......................- 'Farmer Buys A Milking Machine'
......................- 'Farmer's Family And Cow Die'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Repairing Farm Truck'
         DOGS file    - 'Two Farmers And A Dog Who Can Count'
         DWARF file   - 'Midget Cowboy's Balls Ache'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Carrying Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens, and a Goose'
         FART file    - 'Ole Buys Cow In Nordakota'
.........FISHING1 file- 'Ole Won A Fishing Boat'
         FOOTBALL     - 'Bubba Catches The Baby'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Farmer, Lawyer And A Used Car'
         HELL file    - 'Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It'
         HOOKER file  - 'The Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming'
......................- 'Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel'
         HORSE file   - 'The SWF Movie - Farmer And The Donkey'
......................- 'Farmer's Donkey Stuck In A Well'
......................- 'Cajun Buys Dead Donkey'
......................- 'Man Checks Horses Before Buying'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Couple Argue Near Farm'
         MATH4 file   - 'MATH PROB - Farmer Gives Away Eggs'
.........MATH4-SUPP2  -.'LOGIC PROB. - Dog, Chicken, And Rice At River'
         MUSIC file   - 'Britney Spears Scares Wild Boars'
         NATIVES file - 'Picking Fruit' (this version not farmer)
         NUDIST file  - 'Drivers Kill Farmer's Chickens'
......................- 'India Women Plough Fields In Nude'
......................- 'Women Grows Red Tomatoes'
         OTHER_ANIMALS- 'The Goat And The Railroad Tie'
         OTHER-NATNLTS- 'How Yodeling Was Invented'
         PIG file     - 'Squeaky The Ranch Hand'
......................- 'City Slicker Buys A Pig'
......................- 'Three Legged Pig Saves Farmer'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Clinton's Driver Runs Over A Pig'
         PILOT file   - 'A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot'
         POLICE2 file - 'Trooper Stops Farmer'
         PREGNANT file- 'Pregnant Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus'
         PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Lena Is Pregnant With Ole's Child'
         RAT-MICE     - 'Mouse Story'
         REDNECK1     -  (the whole file)
         REDNECK2     -  (the whole file)
         REDNECK3     -  (the whole file)
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Cletus And Billy Bob (and a John Deere)
         RIDDLR file  - 'Farmer Cuts Field Riddle'
......................- 'Tractor That Can't Turn Right Riddle'
         SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'Daddy Sleeps Naked'
         SEX1 file    - 'A Taste Of Life'
         SEX2 file    - 'Sex In The Corn Field'
         SHIP-SUPP    - 'Paul Harvey's Story About A Barn' - Video
         TEAR-JERKER2 - 'Puppies For Sale'
         VASELINE file- 'Vaseline Salesman And The Farmer'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'Widow Farmer And Two Skiers'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Scarecrow Cartoon (S399)
          From: DafterLafter on 9/7/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Subj:     World's Biggest Dairy Farm (S657d)
          From: tom on 8/4/2009
Photo from Fair Oaks Farms
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/JJRy82i8e5Q

 In this video, the TV series "America's Heartland" visited
 Fair Oaks Farms south of Chicago.  This 25,000 acre farm
 is the "Disneyland of Dairy".  Thousands of visitors each
 day see how a modern dairy farm operates.  They start at
 the visitor's center, take bus tours, visit the birthing
 center, and the carousels of milking.

 Click 'HERE' to see this amazing place.

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Subj:     Reporter Interviews Alabama Farmer (S611c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/24/2008

 A young man graduated from University of Alabama with a
 degree in journalism.  His first assignment for the
 newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest
 story.

 Being from Alabama, he went back to the country to do his
 research.  He went to an old farmer's house way back in
 the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded
 to explain to him why he was there.  The young man asked,
 "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
 happy?"

 The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep!  One time
 one of my neighbor's sheep got lost.  We formed a posse
 and found it.  We all screwed it and took it back home."

 "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you
 think of anything else that happened that made you or a
 lot of other people happy?"

 After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
 neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost.  We
 formed a big posse that time and found her.  After we all
 screwed her, we took her back home."

 Again, the young man said "I can't print that either.  Has
 anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

 The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and
 after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man
 and said, "I got lost once."

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Subj:     Blonde City Girl And The Colorado Rancher (S535b)
          From: drgolfmd on 4/21/2007
      and From: rfslick on 3/9/2013

 Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

 One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the
 rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming
 over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a
 nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
 barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here,
 OK?"

 Then the rancher leaves for the fields.

 After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives
 and knocks on the front door.

 Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the
 row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
 "This is the one...right here."

 Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just
 might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me
 lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

 "That's simple.  By the nail over its stall."  Amy
 explains very confidently.

 Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

 She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence,
 says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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Subj:     Farmer Sells The Farm (S295)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86

 Now that their children are all grown and have started lives
 of their own, the farmer and his wife decide to sell the
 homestead and move to Florida.  A real estate developer,
 interested in purchasing the property and building condo-
 miniums and a golf course on the land meets with the farmer
 to settle the deal.

 "Now son, I'm giving you a very fair price for the land, but
 I have two requests to make," said the farmer.

 "OK, shoot."

 "Well, my family has owned this land for over 100 years, and
 some things carry a lot of sentimental value.  It would mean
 a lot to me to be able to come back here for a visit before
 I die and be able to reminisce a little bit."

 "What do you mean?" said the developer.

 "First off, do you see that tree over there, fifty yards from
 the fence?  As part of the deal, you have to promise not to
 move or cut it down."

 "Why is that?"

 "Well, I got my first piece of ass under that tree."

 "Oh, sure, I understand (wink, wink).  No problem.  What is
 your second request?"

 "Do ya' see that tree about 25 feet south of the first one?
 That one has to stay, too."

 "Well, OK, how come?"

 "Well, that's where her mother stood on that special day."

 "Her MOTHER was THERE? That's incredible! What did she say?"

 "Baaaah!"

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Subj:     The Farmer Sutra (S493c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/3/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 You can view this dirty cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Farmer And The Gub'ment Official (S534c)
          From: hellgunner50 on 4/12/2007

 A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at
 a farm and talked with an old farmer.  He told the farmer,
 "I need to inspect your farm."  The old farmer said "OK,
 but don't go in that field right over yonder."

 The Agriculture representative said, "Mr. I have the
 authority of the U.S. Government with me.  See this card?
 This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish on any
 agricultural land....no questions asked or answered!  Do
 you understand?"

 The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
 Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of
 Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was
 the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.  The bull was madder
 than a nest full of hornets.  The bull was gaining on the
 Rep at every step.

 The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!  Show him
 your card!!"

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Subj:     Selling Peaches Door To Door (S501b)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/28/2006

 A gentlemanly Florida rancher named Sut was selling his peaches
 door to door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something
 lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.  He
 raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would
 you like to buy some peaches?"

 She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; "Are
 they as firm as this?"

 He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear
 ran from his eye.

 Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are
 they nice and pink like this?"

 The farmer said "Yes" and another tear came from the other eye.

 Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
 "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

 He again said, "Yes" and broke down crying.

 The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

 Drying his eyes Sut replied, "The drought got my corn, the
 flood got my soy beans, a hurricane leveled my barn and now I'm
 gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

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Subj:     You Might Be a Farmer If... (S468b)
          From: joke-of-the-day-Mail.com on 1/9/2006

 Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

 You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip
    for equipment parts is a vacation.

 You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden
    hose before your wife would let you in the house.

 You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

 You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

 You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

 You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population,
    herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years
    ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

 You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased
    a piece of equipment.

 You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

 You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors
    crops.

Top
Subj:     Growing Award Winning Corn (S977d)
          From: Hilda Baumgarner on Facebook on 10/4/2015
 Source: https://plus.google.com/+ToddKarlen/posts/SZYvCfVfnVf
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......Click 'HERE' to learn how to grow the best corn.
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Top
Subj:     Pretty Blonde Spends Night In Farm House (S25, DU)
          From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97

 A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her
 new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and
 it breaks down.  Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
 She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

 When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday
 night and my carbroke down! I don't know what to do!  Can
 I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get
 some help?

 "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't
 want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."  She looks
 through the screen door and sees two men standing behind
 the farmer.  She judges them to be in the early twenties.

 "Okay", she says.

 After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins
 to get a little hot just thinking about the two boys in the
 room next to her.  So she quietly goes into their room and
 says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways
 of the world?"

 They say, "Huh?"

 She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant,
 so you have to wear these rubbers."  She puts them on the
 boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

 *****Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front
 porch, rocking bak and forth.

 Jed says, "Luke?"

 Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

 Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here
 about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

 "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

 "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

 "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

 "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

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Subj:     Farmer Wants A Divorce (S08, S712)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/11/1999

 (Also see 'Polack Wants A Divorce' in POLISH)

 A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file
 for a divorce.  The attorney asked, "May I help you?"  The
 Farmer said, "Yea, I want one those dayvorce's."  The
 Attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

 The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

 The Attorney said, "No you don't understand, do you have
 a case?"

 The Farmer said, "No I don't have a Case, but I have a
 John Deere."

 The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do
 you have a grudge."  The Farmer said, "Yea, I got a
 grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

 The Attorney said, "No do you have a suit?"

 The Farmer said "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to
 Church on Sundays."

 The Attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you
 up or anything?"

 The Farmer said, "No sire, we both get up about 4:30."

 The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

 The Farmer said, "No she's a little white gal, but our
 last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

Top
Subj:     Johnny Kicks The Animals (S183, S539c)
          From: auntiegah on 7/31/2002
      and From: rfslick on 5/11/2007
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

 (See 'Mother Nature And The Golfers' in GOLF3)

 Little Johnny has had a really bad day at school, having
 flunked two out of three tests.  He is really pissed off,
 as he approaches the gate to the farm, his mom watches
 through the kitchen window.  As he walks toward the house
 a cow crosses his path, Johnny kicks the cow in the udders.
 He walks a little further and a pig is standing on the path
 toward the house, so Johnny winds up and boots the hell out
 of the pig.  His mother really upset at Johnny's actions.
 As Johnny steps up on the porch, he drop-kicks a chicken
 across the length of the porch.

 When he gets in the house his mother grabs him by his arm
 and tells him, his actions are cruel and for kicking the
 cow he will not get any milk for a week, and for kicking
 the pig he will not get any bacon for a week, and for
 kicking the chicken he will not get any eggs for a week.

 About this time Johnny's dad walks in all pissed off from
 a shity day at work.  As he crosses the kitchen, he plants
 his shoe halfway up their cats(pussy's) ass.  Little Johnny
 looks at mom and says "are you gonna tell him or am I?"

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Subj:     Pig Fucking (DU)

 A man goes to visit a friend who owns a farm.  After a few
 days the man asks the friend what they do around the place
 for fun.  "Why, we fuck the pigs," replies the farmer.  The
 man is disgusted but doesn't say anything.  That night the
 farmer asks the man if he'd like to join him while he fucks
 a pig.

 The man says no but he does consent to go and watch.  They
 enter the barn and the farmer immediately jumps into the
 pig pen and starts running around trying to catch a pig.
 Finally, he catches one and proceeds to fuck it.  After
 he's done he gets out of the pen and says, "man, that was
 great, you really ought to try it."

 The man refuses but after much coaxing he finally decides
 to give it a try.  He jumps into the pen and starts chasing
 pigs around.  After much grabbing and squealing he manages
 to catch a pig and fuck it.

 When he is done he walks over to the farmer who asks, "well,
 how was it."

 "To be perfectly honest," the man says, "it really wasn't
 as great as you made out it was going to be."

 "Well, what did you expect," says the farmer, "you picked
 the ugliest one."

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Subj:     Farmer And His Three Daughters (S188)
          from TNKRTEACH on 04/04/97

 A small town farmer had three daughters.  Being a single
 father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his
 daughters.  When gentlemen came to take his daughters out
 on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure
 they knew who was boss.

 One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

 The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered
 the door. A gentleman said,

    Hi, I'm Joe,
    I'm here for Flo,
    We're goin' to the show,
    Is she ready to go?

 The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

 The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and
 answered the door. A gentleman said,

    Hi, I'm Eddie,
    I'm here for Betty,
    We gettin' spaghetti,
    Is she ready?

 The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

 The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and
 answered the door. A gentleman said,

    Hi, I'm Chuck,

 And the farmer shot him.

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Subj:     Farmer And His Three Daughters II (S615b,d)
          Animated by Doogtoons
          From: darrellvip on 10/20/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/QjsPFDOIp04

 To see this animated cartoon of an old classic joke,
 click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:   Three Aggie Students Ask Favor Of Farmer (DU)

 There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving
 along this old farm road one day when they saw this farm,
 pulled in, and knocked on the farmer's door.  The farmer
 answered the door and the three students introduced them-
 selves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your
 field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and
 get us a bucket full of butter?"

 The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't
 gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than
 welcome to try."

 About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer,
 and drove off with their bucket full of butter.  The farmer
 once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his
 breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about his
 business.

 About three months later, the same three students came up to
 the farm, knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he
 remembered them.  He chuckled and asked what he could do for
 them this time?

 One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to
 see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering
 if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk?"

 Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched
 it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get
 your milk from my milkweeds."

 Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with
 their bucket overflowing with fresh milk and drove off.  This
 time, the farmer was really confused, but just a little less
 skeptical.

 It was about three or four months later when the three
 agricultural students came back and again knocked on the
 farmer's door, this time saying that they were driving by
 and saw the field full of pussywillows.  Needless to say,
 the farmer went with them this time on their excursion.

Top
Second version
Subj:     Farmer And The Kid (S186)
          From: V-lewis on 97-05-03

 A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot
 summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying
 a big bundle of wire.
 "Hey kid!"  the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"
 "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire,
 this here's chicken wire.  I'm fixin' to catch me some
 chickens!"
 "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  says the farmer.
 "Sure I can!"  the kid says, and takes off down the road.
 The kid comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's
 got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

 The farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same
 kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
 "Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?"
 "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this
 here's duck tape.  I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
 "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer.
 "Sure I can!"  the kid says, and takes off down the road.
 The kid comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer
 can't believe his eyes.  The kid has a whole bunch of ducks
 all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

 The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the
 kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
 "Hey kid!"  the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"
 "Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this
 here's pussy willow."
 "Hang on," yells the farmer, "I'll get my hat."

Top
Subj:     Farmer And East Indian (S187)

 A farmer puts a old bull up for sale.  An East Indian gentleman
 approaches the farmer and asks "How much?"  The farmer ask if
 the indian is a farmer as well. He says "No, I want him as a
 house pet."

 The farmer replies, "You're going to keep him in the house?
 What about the smell and all the shit?"

 The East Indian replies, "Oh, the bull will just have to get
 used to it!"

Top
Subj:     Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House (S129, S398)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/18/99
      and From: DafterLafter on 8/26/2004

 A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a lawyer were traveling from
 Chicago to Los Angeles when their car broke down late one
 night in Kansas.  They walked to the nearest farm house and
 explained their situation to the farmer who answered the door.
 "Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the
 farmer said. "The only problem is I only have room for two.
 One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

 "No problem,"chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the
 desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the
 barn for an evening."  With that he departed to the barn
 and the others bedded down for the night.

 Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer
 opened the door. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

 "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

 He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the
 barn. There is a pig in the barn it's not kosher for me, my
 faith believes that is an unclean animal."

 His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few
 minutes later the same scene. There is a knock on the door.

 "What's wrong?" the farmer asks.

 The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your
 helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my
 country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep with the
 sacred cow!"

 Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He
 grumbled and  complained, but went out to the barn. Moments
 later there was another knock on the farmers door.

 Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there
 stood the pig and the cow.

Top
Subj:     Flat Tire Near Farm (DU)

 Man's car breaks down on rural country road.  It's raining
 cats and dogs.  He gets out and discovers he has a flat
 spare.  He sees a farmhouse on a hill.  He begins to walk.
 The rain keeps pelting down.  He walks up to the door and
 knocks.  No answer.  The lights are on someone seems home.
 He walks around the back to see if there is another door.
 He suddenly sees shadows flickering in one of the windows.
 He moves closer and peers through the window.

 In the corner of the room stands a large plump naked woman.
 She is squeezing both large breasts firmly.  His gaze
 follows hers.  In the other corner is another naked form.
 It's a man , holding an unbrella and masturbating with vigour.

 The traveller decides to leave this little happening uninter-
 upted and trudges back down the road to his stranded car.
 The lights of an approaching car suddenly appear and he flags
 it down.  Assistance at last.  The driver of the car is a
 local and proceeds to help him with his flat.

 The traveller's mind is still dwelling on the farmhouse on
 the hill. He decides to tell of his trip.

 "You know I knocked on the door and no answer, walked
 around the back, looked in the window and saw two naked
 people, the woman squeezing her breasts and some dude
 masturbating under an umbrella"

 "Ahh!" says the local "That'll be farmer Jones and his wife",
 their both deaf.  She's telling him it's time to milk the
 cows, and he's telling her to go get fucked because it's
 raining !

Top
Subj:     Farmer Tries To Inseminate Pigs (S159, S321)
          From: mbucher on 02/14/2000
      and From: BennoRo on 3/26/2003

 A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham,
 bacon, etc.  After several weeks, he notices that none of
 the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help.

 The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
 insemination.  The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea
 what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
 only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
 pregnant.

 The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
 will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they
 are pregnant.

 The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.  He comes
 to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he
 has to impregnate the pigs.  So, he loads the pigs into
 his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with
 them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

 Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.  Seeing
 that they are all still standing around, he concludes
 that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them
 into the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods,
 bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back
 and goes to bed.

 Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
 standing around.  "One more try," he tells himself, and
 proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
 He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
 home, falls listlessly into bed.

 The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the
 bed to look at the pigs.  He asks his wife to look out
 and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

 "No," she says, "they are all in the truck and one of
 them is honking the horn."

Second cleaner version

Subj:     Mating Pigs (S618)
          From: ginafm on 11/13/2008

 A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he
 had determined to take them to the county fair and sell
 them.  While at the fair he met another farmer who owned
 five male pigs.  After talking a bit, they decided to mate
 the pigs and split everything 50/50.

 Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another,
 so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field
 in which to mate their pigs.

 The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up
 at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon
 (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty
 miles.

 While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
 "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

 The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing
 in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're
 rolling in the mud, then they're not."

 The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed
 them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into
 the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

 The following morning, in the mud again!  And the next
 morning, MUD again!  This continued all week until the
 farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

 He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
 tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing."

 The wife looked out the window and then yelled back,
 "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is
 honking the horn."

Top
Subj:     The Argyle Sweater (S906d)
          Created by Scott Hilburn
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2014/05/29
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Click.
 to see an enlargement.
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Top
Subj:     Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law (S45, S572b)
          From: grs on 97-12-04
      and From: tom on 1/3/2008

 A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
 who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.  The
 Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-
 in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
 relationship.  To no avail, she kept nagging them at every
 opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and
 making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

 While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
 suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
 killing her instantly.

 At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood
 near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.  The
 pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper some-
 thing to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
 something.  Whenever a man walked by and whispered to
 the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble
 a reply.

 Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later
 asked The farmer what that was all about.  The farmer replied,
 "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
 nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'  The men would ask, 'Can
 I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say,
 'Can't.  It's all booked up for a year.'

Top
Subj:     Joke From President Lincoln (S190)

 A travelling preacher comes to a prairie family home, trying
 to sell the lady of the house a bible.  "Wait here a minute"
 she says, and scurries back to the outhouse.  Soon she returns
 and says "not today thank you, we haven't used up the last
 one yet."

Top
Subj:     Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow (S313)
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/27/2003

 At times, we are not as smart as we think.  For instance,
 this big city lawyer was called in on a case between a
 farmer and a large railroad company.

 A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the
 field through which the railroad passed.  He filed suit
 against the railroad company for the value of the cow.
 The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace
 in the back room of the general store.  The attorney
 immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to
 settle out of court.  The lawyer did his best selling
 job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what
 he was claiming to settle the case.  After the farmer
 signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer
 couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.  He
 said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this
 but I put one over on you in there.  I couldn't have won
 the case.  The engineer was asleep and the fireman was
 in the caboose when the train went through your farm that
 morning.  I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

 The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller,
 I was a little worried about winning that case myself
 because that durned cow came home this morning!"

Top
Subj:     Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident (S31, S769)
          From: samhutkins on 6/21/2007
      and From: ginafm on 10/1/2011

 Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
 serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible
 for the accident) to court.  In court the trucking
 companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

 Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,"
 said the lawyer.  Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell
 you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
 Bessie into the......."

 "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
 "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene
 of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

 Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the
 trailer and I was driving down the road..."

 The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
 trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
 accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
 scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after
 the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe
 he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the
 question."

 By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
 Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
 what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

 Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
 saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
 into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
 when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
 and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown
 into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I
 was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However,
 I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew
 she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

 Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on
 the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
 so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took
 out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
 his hand and looked at me.  He said, "How are you feeling?"

Top
Subj:     Courting On The Porch And Watching The Cows
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #226 on 97-10-18

 YOUNG Claude was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining
 farm out west in cattle country.  One evening, as they were
 sitting on Claude's porch watching the sun go down over the
 hills, Claude spied his prize bull doing the business on one
 of his cows.  He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural
 scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the
 hard word on Mabel.

 He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd
 sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

 "Well heck Claude, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It
 is YOUR cow."

Top
Subj:     Farm Boy, His Gal And His Rope
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07

 There was a Gal who wanted to marry a farmer boy.  One day
 she went to his parents' house for dinner.  When they got
 done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through
 the pasture.  While they were walking they came upon these
 2 horses that were mating.

 She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen any-
 thing like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they
 doing?"

 He says "They're making love."

 "Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.

 "Oh, uh, thats his rope." he answered.

 "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?"
 she ask.

 He says "Those are his knots."

 She says "Oh, ok I got it."

 As they continue their stroll, They come to a barn and go in.

 She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me
 the way those animals were."

 Surprised and excited he agrees.  While their getting at
 all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

 "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.

 She replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

Top
Subj:    A Christmas To Remember (S569)
         From: rfslick on 12/12/2007 (in Christmas4)
Picture from Art.com...
 This is a wonderful story of a poor farm boy who wanted
 a rifle for Christmas.  Click 'HERE' to read the story.

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...........................From Smiley_Central
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