.
.
>>>
Subj:     Farmer2 Jokes
                 (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 18992n,7,cf,vYT3,5)

          Click "Here" for Farmer-Supp
 


Fertilizer from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Fat - Farm Animals - Video (S844 in Supp)
.........................Bud Light And The Farmer's Daughter - Video (S630 in Supp)
.........................Bruno Barn Move - Video (S793 in Supp)
.........................Farmer And His Wife Discuss Orgasms (S616 in Supp)
.........................
.........................So God Made A Farmer - Video (S840)
.........................The Farmer's Daughter - Song/Video (S589c)
.........................The Half-Wit (S537)
.........................Farm Boy Overturns Wagon (S522c, S745)
.........................Farmer Buys A Milking Machine II (S441)
.........................Farm Boy Answers A Knock At The Door (S410, S754)
.........................Kenny Roger's Lucille (S595b)
.........................Settling The Will Of A Missouri Farmer (S405b)
.........................Farmer Explains Mad Cow Disease (S364)
.........................Rural Wisdom From The Seat Of An Old Tractor (S346, S629c)
.........................Poem About Farmer's Troubles (S325)
.........................Carnation Milk Contest (S312b, S576c)
.........................Rich Visit Poor Farm (S306)
.........................Farmer Not Raising Hogs (S286b)
.........................Insured Barn Burns Down (S183)
.........................Farmer Buys Too Much Stuff (S166)
.........................Small Town
.........................The Widow Farmer And The Gay Ranch Hand (S157, S871)
.........................Handsome Man Wants To Marry (S149, S552b)
.........................City Boy Visits The Farm (S118)
.........................Farmer And Young Bride Can't Get Enough Sex (S110, S400)
.........................Farmer's Horse Won't Breed (S357)
.........................Farmer Gets Help For Impotent Bull (S76, S871)
.........................Farmer Serves On A Jury (S50, S361)
                         Short Farmer Jokes
..............................The Rancher And The Deer (S581b)
..............................Farmer Has Fertilizer For Strawberries (S334b
..............................The Weathered Old Barns (S450)
..............................The Salesman And The Farmer
..............................Sketch Of A Farmer (S440b))
..............................Farmer's Wife Asked About Sex (S182)
..............................Cripes (S119)

============================================================Top
Subj:     So God Made A Farmer (S840d)
          Poetry by Paul Harvey
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=S87BhEJX_bg&vq=large
 Source2: http://www.coolestone.com/media/5298/So-God-Made-A-Farmer/
.
.......
.
.......This is a Ram Trucks' Super Bowl Commercial called
......."Farmer" made for  the 2013 Super Bowl.  In it
.......Paul Harvey waxes poetic about the hard work and
.......sacrifice of America's farmers.  Click 'HERE' to
.......see this wonderful tribute to the American farmer.

Top
Subj:     The Farmer's Daughter Song (S589c,d)
          Written by Vito Petroccitto
          From: tom on 4/26/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/lFnw0W3VKPY

 You can watch this cute, dirty video clip of drawings
 and a song by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     The Half-Wit (S537)
          From: SCOTCOB on 5/6/2007

 A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico.  An agent of the
 New Mexico Wage ? Hour Board dropped by, on a routine check
 to see if he was paying proper wages to his help. 'I need a
 list of your employees and how much you pay them,' said the
 agent.

 'Well,' replied the rancher, 'There's my ranch hand who's
 been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $600 a week plus free
 room and board.  Then there's the cook.  She's been here
 for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room
 and board.'

 'Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day
 and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes
 about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
 him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

 'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

 'That would be me.' replied the rancher.

Top
Subj:     Farm Boy Overturns Wagon (S522c, S745)
          From: drgolfmd on 1/19/2007

 A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the
 road.  A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to
 have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped
 wagon.  "Hey Willie," the farmer said.  "Forget your
 troubles for a spell, its late, come have dinner with us.
 I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

 "That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie
 replied.

 "Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

 "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

 After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a
 lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

 "Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

 "Under the wagon."

Top
Subj:     Farmer Buys A Milking Machine II (S441)
          From: JokeCentral.com on July5,2005
 Source: http://www.jokecenter.com/jokes/Misc/6362.htm

 (See 'Farmer Buys A Milking Machine' in COWS AND SHEEP)

 A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

 Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town,
 he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his
 penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . .
 everything else was automatic!

 Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as
 much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though,
 he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument
 from his penis.

 He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.
 He tried every button on the instrument, but still without
 success.

 Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer
 Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine
 from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it
 from the cow's udder?"

 "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the
 machine was programmed to release automatically once it's
 collected two gallons of milk."

Top
Subj:     Farm Boy Answers A Knock At The Door (S410, S754)
          From: ginafm on 3/10/2009
      and From: sam.hutkins on 6/23/2011

 A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and
 knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the door.

 "Is your Dad home?"

 "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

 "Well, is your Mother here?"

 "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

 "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"

 "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

 The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
 foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

 "Is there anything I can do for you?  I know where all the
 tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a
 message."

 "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to
 talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my
 daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

 The boy thought for a moment.  "You would have to talk to
 Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50
 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Top
Subj:     Kenny Roger's Lucille
          From: YouTube.com on 6/18/2008 (S595b,d in Mus-supp2)
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/1GVr1l7Xbko

 I went to a bridge tournament in Sonoma in June of 2008
 and played against a feisty, old lady name Lucille.  For
 two days this Kenny Roger's song has been rolling around
 in my head.  Hope you enjoy this page as much as I do.

 You can see and hear Kenny's sing Lucille live in Branson MO,
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Settling The Will Of A Missouri Farmer (S405b)
          From: DafterLafter on 10/21/2004

 A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
 sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
 boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
 youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
 of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

 Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
 drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
 making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
 second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
 one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
 having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
 home.

Top
Subj:     Farmer Explains Mad Cow Disease (S364)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/16/2004

 A female TV reporter interviewed a farmer living just outside
 Dubuque, Iowa to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.
 It went something like this.

 The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information
 on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.  Can you offer any
 reason for this disease?

 The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:  Do you know that
 a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

 The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):  Well, sir, that's
 a new piece of information, but what's the relation between
 this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

 The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice
 a day?

 The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but
 what about getting to the point?

 The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam.  Just imagine,
 if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing
 you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

Top
Subj:     Rural Wisdom From The Seat Of An Old Tractor (S346, S726)
          From: RFSlick on 9/15/2003
      and From: tom on 12/10/2010
.
..........
..
 Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

 Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight,
    and bull strong.

 Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb,
    but how well you bounce.

 Keep skunks, insurance salesmen, lawyers and bankers
    at a distance.

 Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

 A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

 Trouble with a milk cow is, she won't stay milked.

 Don't skinny dip in the cow pond with snapping turtles.

 Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

 Meanness doesn't happen overnight.

 To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns,
    not their houses.

 Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal,
    it just ain't helpful.

 Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

 Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds.

 Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

 Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

 Don't chase anything meaner than yourself into a corner.

 You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar,
    that is assuming that you want to catch flies.

 Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things
    as flowers or weeds.

 It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

 You can't unsay a cruel statement.

 Every path has some puddles.

 Never wallow in the pigpen with the pigs. You'll just get
    dirty, and the pigs like it.

 The best sermons are lived, not preached.

 Most of the stuff people worry about, never happens anyway.

 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
 

From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005

 Don't judge folks by their relatives.

 Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
   and think back,  you'll enjoy it a second time.

 Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
   you none.

 Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

 Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to
   deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

 Always drink upstream from the herd.

 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
   than puttin' it back in.

 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
   influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak
   kindly.  Leave the rest to God.
.
.
..
Top
Subj:     Poem About Farmer's Troubles (S325)
          From: DafterLafter on 4/21/03

 My wife just left, and the well went dry.
 My horse is sick and about to die.
 Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
 and the road washed out on the way to town.
 Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
 and they both died soon after that.
 Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
 so I can't even sit and read and smoke.
 A tree fell on the chicken shed,
 and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
 Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
 and this old shack is about to fall.
 Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
 and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
 Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
 and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.
 And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place,
 and my cow disappeared without a trace.
 They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
 and I lost my job and a whole lot more.
 I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
 as things keep going from bad to worse.
 And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
 to top off the worst - my wife's coming back!

Top
Subj:     Carnation Milk Contest (S312b, S576c)
          From: gheckman on 1/21/2003
      and From: tom on 1/21/2008

 A woman had been married to a farmer all of her life.
 They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew
 a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market.

 While shopping at the local grocery store for a few
 items that she and her husband did not raise or grow
 for themselves, she came across a contest form while
 in the store.

 So she completed the jingle and mailed it off to the
 Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize
 which had been offered for the best entry regarding
 those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves.

 Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle
 with these words: "I like Carnation best of all ..."
 and the submitter had only to complete the remainder
 of the jingle on their entry form.  Each contestant
 could only use 50 words or less.

 A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when
 a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and
 told her that her entry was the best one submitted.
 However it was unfortunate that the company could not
 publish it.

 In lieu of that later fact, they had decided that her
 entry was worth at least a consolation award and
 provided her with company check in the amount of
 $1,000 for her creativity.

 Here is her entry:

 "I like Carnation best of all,
  No tits to pull, no shit to haul
  No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
  Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch."

Top
Subj:     Rich Visit Poor Farm (S306)
          From: ICohen on 12/9/2002

 One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on
 a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his
 son how poor people can be.  They spent a couple of days
 and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very
 poor family.

 On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,
 "How was the trip?"

 "It was great, Dad."

 "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

 "Oh Yeah" said the son.

 "So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

 The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they
 had four.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of
 our garden and they have a creek that has no end.  We have
 imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
 night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have
 the whole horizon.  We have a small piece of land to live
 on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.  We have
 servants who serve us, but they serve others.  We buy our
 food, but they grow theirs.  We have walls around our
 property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

 With this the boy's father was speechless.  Then his son
 added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."

 Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on
 what we don't have.  What is one person's worthless object
 is another's prize possession.  It is all based on one's
 perspective.  Makes you wonder what would happen if we all
 gave thanks for all the bounty we have, instead of worrying
 about wanting more.  Take joy in all you have, especially
 your family and friends.

Top
Subj:     Farmer Not Raising Hogs (S286b)
..........From: dogbyte on 7/19/2002

 TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
     Washington, D.C.

     Dear Sir;

 My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a
 check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
 So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
 year.

 What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
 kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
 breed of hogs not to raise?  I want to be sure that I
 approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
 policies.  I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but
 if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just
 as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

 As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
 keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
 raised.

 My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of
 the business.  He has been raising hogs for twenty years
 or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968,
 until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
 raising hogs.

 If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000
 for not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small
 scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs
 not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
 Then I can afford an airplane.

 Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not
 eat 100,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also
 pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I
 qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not
 to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

 Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business,
 so send me any information you have on that too.

 In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
 be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
 and food stamps.

 Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

                                   Patriotically Yours,
                                   Dogbyte

 P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to
 distribute more free cheese.

Top
Subj:     Insured Barn Burns Down (S183)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/31/00

 Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the
 insurance company.

 Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured
 for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

 The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance
 doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
 what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable
 worth."

 There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like
 to cancel the policy on my husband."

Top
Subj:     Farmer Buys Too Much Stuff (S166)
          From: thebartend on 04/04/2000

 (Also see 'Carrying Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens,
...........and a Goose' in Elderly2-Supp

 One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his
 farm.  He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket
 and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a
 couple of chickens and a goose.  Now he had a problem: how to
 carry all of his purchases home.  The livestock dealer said,
 "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket
 in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
 in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off
 he went.

 While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large
 beautiful breasts.  She told him she was lost, and asked,
 "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"  The
 farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit
 my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.

 Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.  We'll save
 half the time to get there".  The fair young lady said,
 "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't
 hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish
 me?"

 The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
 chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly
 hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket
 over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and
 I'll hold the chickens.

Top
Subj:     Small Town
          From: RFSlick on 2/18/00

 You know you are from a small town if...

 ** You can name everyone you graduated with.
 ** You know what 4-H is.
 ** You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the
    middle of a dirt road
 ** You used to drag "main."
 ** You said the 'f' word and your parents knew
    within the hour.
 ** You schedule parties around the schedule of different
    police officers, since you know which ones would bust
    you and which ones wouldn't-same goes with the game
    warden.
 ** You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting
 ** School gets canceled for state events.
 ** You could never buy cigarettes because all the store
    clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd
    tell your parents anyhow).
 ** When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to
    buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country
    and drive on back roads to smoke them.
 ** You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
 ** You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
 ** It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
 ** You had senior skip day.
 ** The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
 ** You don't give directions by street names or directions
    by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east
    Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
 ** The cc golf course had only 9 holes
 ** You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend
 ** Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you
    will never own a dark vehicle for this reason
 ** You think kids that ride skateboards are weird
 ** The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty",
    but is actually just like your town
 ** Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise
 ** You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the
    "rich people"
 ** The people in the city dress funny, then you pick- up on
    the trend two years later
 ** You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your
    truck for your birthday
 ** Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or
    the feed store
 ** You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor
    through town
 ** Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the
    summer to get stronger
 ** Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference
 ** The city council meets at the coffee shop
 ** Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday
 ** You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school
    on a daily basis
 ** Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart
 ** Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
 ** You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and
    5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride
 ** Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names
 ** Your teachers remember when they taught your parents
 ** You can charge at all the local stores
 ** The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away
 ** So is the closest mall
 ** It is normal to see an old man riding through town
    on a riding lawn mower
 ** You laugh your butt off reading this because you know
    they're all true and forward it to everyone who lives
    in your town! (because you know them all!)

Top
Subj:     The Widow Farmer And The Gay Ranch Hand (S157, S871)
          From: RFSlick on 11/8/2003
      and From: tom on 9/14/2013

 (Also see 'Butler's Night Off' in BUTLER-MAID file)

 There once was a successful rancher who died and left every-
 thing to his devoted wife.  She was determined to keep the
 ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about
 ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for
 ranch hands.  Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
 other a drunk.  She thought long and hard about it, and when
 no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
 it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours
 every day and knew a lot about ranching.  For weeks the two of
 them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.  Then one day
 the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a
 really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks.
 The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and
 going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and
 I think you should do the same.  "The hired hand agreed readily,
 and Saturday night each went to town.

 The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends,
 and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting
 home about midnight.  The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she
 decided to wait up for him.  One o'clock and no hired hand yet.
 Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.

 At two-thirty in came the hired hand.

 The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him
 over by her.  "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do
 what I tell you, right?"

 "Well, yes," he answered.

 "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 He did as she asked.

 "Now take off my shoes."

 He did.

 "Now take off my stockings."

 He did.

 "Now take off my skirt."

 He did.

 "Now take off my bra."

 Again he did as she asked.

 "Now take off my panties."

 And again he did what she told him.

 Then she looked at him and said; "Don't ever wear my clothes
 to town again."

Top
Subj:     Handsome Man Wants To Marry (S149, S552b)
          From: thebartend on 12/06/1999
      and From: rfslick on 8/17/2007

 An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
 responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
 children beyond comparison.

 With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
 woman.  After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the
 east coast, he started to head west.  Shortly thereafter he met
 a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that
 positively took his breath away.

 So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission
 to marry one of them.

 The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
 so you came to the right place.  Look them over and select the
 one you want."

 The man dated the first daughter.  The next day the farmer asked
 for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a
 weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

 The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
 girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

 The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"
 the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
 hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he
 date the third girl to see if things might be better.  So he
 did.

 The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,  "She's
 perfect, just perfect!  She's the one I want to marry!"  So
 they were wed right away.

 Months later the baby was born.  When the man visited nursery
 he was horrified.  The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic
 human you can imagine.

 He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
 happen considering the parents.

 "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not
 that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Top
Subj:     City Boy Visits The Farm (S118)
          From: thebartend on 5/7/99

 A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
 For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual
 things- chickens, cows, crops, etc.  After three days,
 however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored,
 and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

 Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun,
 take the dogs, and go shooting?"  This seemed to cheer the
 nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

 After a few hours, the nephew returned.

 "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

 "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

Top
Subj:     Farmer And Young Bride Can't Get Enough Sex (S110, S400)
          From: thebartend on 99-03-09

 A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't
 seem to get enough lovin'.  Just before leaving the house
 for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband
 returned home at evening they had another go.

 Both before and after supper, and then again a few more times
 during the night.  The problems only happened during the day.
 The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost
 half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon.
 Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor,
 about what to do.

 "Easiest thing in the world, Homer"  said the doctor. "You
 take your rifle out with you every day don't you?  Well, when
 you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a
 shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come
 out to you.  That way you won't lose any workin' time."

 Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty
 well for a while.  One day though, the doctor stopped by the
 house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside
 looking very somber.

 "What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work?   Where's your
 wife?"

 "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired
 off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'.  We'd find
 a secluded place and make love.  Then Beckie'd go back home."

 "So what's the problem?"

 "Well I think I over did it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of
 Beckie since hunting season got started..."

Top
Subj:     Farmer's Horse Won't Breed (S357)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 11/13/2003

 A farmer was having trouble getting his horses to breed.  He
 had tried everything and was at his wits end.  Finally one
 day he called the local Vet.  The Vet told him to rub the
 male nose into the female horse...  He would get the scent
 of her and breed.  Sure enough the farmer rubbed the male
 horses nose into the female and he hopped right on.

 That evening the farmer was thinking about his own trouble
 in the sex department.  So that night after him and his wife
 were laying in bed, he reached down underneath the covers
 and rubbed on his wife and then rubbed his nose.  To his
 amazement he got his first hard-on in years.

 He yelled out to his wife..."honey look!!! look!!!"  His
 wife turned on the light disgusted and said "You woke me
 up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"

Top
Subj:     Farmer Gets Help For Impotent Bull (S76, S871)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #259 on 98-07-14
      and From: tom on 9/12/2013

 A rancher in Argentina, way before the existence of Viagra,
 had a prize Charolais bull that stopped performing.  The
 rancher when to a local veterinarian, who gave him some
 pills to give to the bull.

 Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted
 every receptive cow he could find, and several times a
 day.  After four months, the bull again stopped breeding.
 Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher
 when to a new vet.

 He tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the
 brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?",
 asked the vet.

 "No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds...."

Top
Subj:     Farmer Serves On A Jury (S50, S361)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07

 (Also see 'Farmer Buys A Milking Machine' in COWS)

 A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the
 questioning of prospective jurers the prosecuting attorney
 asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circum-
 stantial evidence.

 The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!"

 The attornery asked why he was so adamant in his answer.
 He replied that he once had a very bad experience with
 circumstantial evidence.  The attorney asked him to explain.

 "Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking
 ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked
 over the milk pail with her right front foot.  The milk
 soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed
 them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry.

 "Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the
 floor.  I sat back down and starting milking again and the
 silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot.  So
 I tied that one down to the floor as well.  She then proceeded
 to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied
 both of them to the floor...

 "Well, I thought I things under control until she whipped her
 tail around and slapped me right in the face.  Very annoyed
 at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it,
 and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the
 rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and boots and my
 wife walked into the barn!!

 "No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!


Subj:     Short Farmer Jokes

Top
Subj:     The Rancher And The Deer (S581b)
          From: gordonschuk (in Other-Animals)
          on 3/2/2008
 This is a very cute story which is so long that it needs
 to be a seperate file.  Click 'HERE' to read the story.
 

Top
Subj:     Farmer Has Fertilizer For Strawberries (S334b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/22/2003
 A farmer was driving along the road with a load of
 fertilizer.

 A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him
 and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

 "Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

 "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

 "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

 "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him.
 "We put sugar and cream on ours."
 

Top
Subj:     The Weathered Old Barns (S450)
          From: Dickschu
          on 8/26/2005
 To view the story and pictures titles 'The Weathered Old
 Barn' click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     The Salesman And The Farmer
..........From: ossama on 98-07-24
 A tired salesman is driving down a country road and comes
 upon a farm house.  He decides to go and ask the farmer
 if he can spend the night.  The farmer says sure you can
 spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my
 son.  The salseman decides to leave and says I'm in the
 wrong joke.
 

Top
Subj:     Sketch Of A Farmer (S440b)
          From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
  Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 When I saw this drawing of a farmer, I had to add it to my
 site.  It captures so many elements of their life, I loved
 it.  You can view by clicking 'Here'.
 

Top
Subj:     Farmer's Wife Asked About Sex (S182)
          From: thebartend on 7/28/00
 A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door.
 When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how
 to have sex.  Not amused, she slammed the door.  Again, the
 man knocked, and again asked the same question.

 Again, not amused, she screamed, "Get the hell away!".  Later,
 she told her husband of the incident.  He said he would stay
 home the following day just in case.

 Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.  The husband
 hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.  When she
 was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said, "Yes".

 The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next
 time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my
 wife!!!"

Top
Subj:     Cripes (S119)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #300 on 5/15/99
 My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there.  Very
 wholesome.  They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake.
 Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?  The son of 'Gosh?' of
 the church of 'Holy Moly'.  I'm not making fun of it.  You
 think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
 
 

 From LAWS file.

 In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's
 hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard
 animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a
 harmonious farm life."

 One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton
 growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw
 it as competition.  It is not chemically addictive as is
 nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
 

 There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new zealand farm, and
 in a back paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing
 a sheep.  The farmer says "Hey mate - in our country we
 shear our sheep" and the New Zealander replies "get Stuffed
 - I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone.

 The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286
 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence,
 but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911
 words.

From: grs on 98-04-05
 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/29/2006 (S472b - church-supp)
 On Saturday night most virile young men go out to
    sow their wild oats.
And then go to Church the next day to pray for
    a crop failure !!.
 

Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke For 3/4/97
 Q: Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?
 A: He heard that sometimes the ref blows fouls.

From: LABLaughsClean on 12/16/2004 (S412b)
 Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked
    in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
 A: Prom.

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