Subj: Job Related Stuff
(Includes 20 jokes and articles, 09 1004n,4,cf,wXT2,2)
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'The Bricklayer'
BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
BANK-SUPP - 'Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die'
BATHROOM file- 'How To Poop At Work:'
BATHROOM-SUPP- 'Fortune 500's Men's Washroom'
......................- 'Trapped In A Toilet At Work'
......................- 'The Fly in the Armsterdam Urinal'
BIRDS file - 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure'
BIRDS-DUCK - 'Duck And The Feed Store'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Goes To Work After Many Years'
BUGS_ETC file- 'Teaching About Worker Ants'
CARS-SUPP - 'Toyota Vs Ford'
......................- 'Reason I'm Late For Work'
CATS1 file - 'Here Kitty, Kitty...Kitty'
CHEMISTRY - 'Scientists Discover New Element'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Three Young Men Sell Bibles'
.........CLOTHING file- 'High Heel Evidence'
......................- 'Store Sells Ugly Suit'
COLLEGE2 file- 'Business Student Earns A 'C''
CONDOM file - 'Condom Factory Tour'
......................- 'Buying A Condom From A Young Woman'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
ENGINEER3 - 'Computer Engineer Job Sign'
FARMER2 file - 'Carnation Milk Contest'
FISHIHG file - 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'The New Supermarket'
FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'Packaged Food Mascots - Memory Test'
FOOD_ETC_SUP2- 'Anti-Theft Lunch Bag'
......................- 'Popsicle Stick Riddle'
FUCK file - 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' - Video
JOBS3 file - 'Resumes And Cover Letters'
......................- 'Resume Bloopers'
KIDS2 file - 'Whose Father Is Fastest?'
......................- 'Boss Talks To Child'
HEADLINES-ADS- 'International Marketing Ads'
HEADLNS-SUPP2- '3D Posters On Vending Machines'
.........HELL file - 'Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Organ Donor Fired'
.........HOOKER2 file - 'Work For Pay'
HUNTING-SUPP - 'Dilbert Comic Strip'
......................- 'Bizarro Cartoon II'
INDIAN file - 'The Dead Horse Theory' - Drawing
ITALIAN file - 'Italian Buisness School'
......................- 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
LAWS file - 'Murphy's Laws of Work'
LETTERS1 file- 'Great Resignation Letter'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband Buys Lingerie For Wife'
MARRIAGE4 - 'Your Home'
MEXICAN file - 'Get A Yob' - Video
MONKEY file - 'Organizational Theory'
NATIVE AMERIC- 'The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional Competency Test'
OTHER_OCCUP - 'The Wal-Mart Greeter'
......................- 'Texas Pharmacy Sells Drugs At Cost'
OTH_OCC-SUPP - 'The Modern Lumberjack'
OTHER-PEOPLE - 'Dilbert Comic Strip On Robots'
PHONE-SUPP - 'Dilbert Comic Strip on Twittering'
POETRY file - 'Computer Haiku'
POLITICAL-PCS- 'Over Qualified'
QUOTES3 file - 'Quotes From The Workplace'
......................- 'More Quotes From The Workplace'
SCHOOL-SUPP3 - 'Selling Toothbrushs'
SEX3 file - 'Statistical Findings On Sex:'
THO-LEARN-SUP- 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Procrastinator's Creed'
THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Dilbert Comic Strip'
WAITER-ETC - 'Indian Carrying Shotgun And Manure Wants Coffee'
Subj: Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S869)
By Wiley Miller on 8/23/2013
Mary Poppins Quits w/Kristen Bell (S942d)
Made by: Funny Or Die
From: Randy Dismuke on Facebook
In this Funny Or Die video, Mary
Poppins (Kristen Bell)
is practically perfect in every way, except grossly
underpaid. And she wants to #RaiseTheWage.
Click 'HERE' to see this nostalgic musical video.
Subj: The Dilemma (S308)
From: gheckman on 12/27/2002
You are driving along in your
car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if
she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to
offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...
This is a moral / ethical dilemma
that was once actually
used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady,
because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first;
Or you could take the old friend because she once saved
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream
The candidate who was hired (out
of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let her
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we
are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think
Outside of the Box." However, the correct answer is to
run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have
sex with the perfect man/woman against the bus stop and
drive off with the old friend for some beers.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 8/7/2003
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against
the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some
Subj: Stock Watch (S291)
From: ICohen on 8/28/2002
Normally I avoid discussing any
advice received from our
broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and
warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be
yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you
might have in the following
stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company,
Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions,
we advise you to sit
tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of
You may be interested to know
that Northern Tissue touched
a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a
tough market out there. Be careful.
Subj: Girl Sells On The Beach (S288b)
From: RFSlick on 7/26/2002
A couple lived near the ocean
and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the
travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the
people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a
quick exchange of money and something she carried in
her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for
sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife
said, "Honey, have you
ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom
boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she
said, "Tomorrow I want
you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on
the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and
met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No,
she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he
should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?"
his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
Are you ready for this?
Now this is going to kill you.
You're gonna hate me for this....
Don't say I didn't warn you....
SHE SELLS "C" CELLS BY THE SEASHORE!!!
Subj: Tips For Working Hard (S238b)
From: JokeCenter.com on 08/24/01
Source: (Removed from jokecenter.com)
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard (Rated PG)
1. Never walk down the hall without
a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send
and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management
can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high
and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle,
bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing
stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your
phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that
the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If
your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it
can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One
way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If
that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your
callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry,
this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hard-
working employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and
annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are
6. Appear to Work Late. Always
leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but
have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails
at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are very
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not
enough to pile lots of
documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor
etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer
manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up
on some computer magazines
and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it
freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They
don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T
forward this to your boss by
Subj: Sales Methods (S235, 484c)
From: KMACINTY on 7/31/2001
and From: auntiegah on 4/29/2006
Sales methods explained in 7 easy examples.
You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch
of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm
very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous
girl. You get up and
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich.
Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous
girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and say,
"I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your
face. That's Customer Feedback !!!!!
You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her
husband. That's demand and supply gap.
You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and
before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her
face towards you ------------ she is your wife! That's
competition eating into your market share
Subj: Sales Methods II (S347)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/25/2003
WHAT IS PROMOTION AND MARKETING?
"If the circus is coming to town
and you paint a
sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground
Saturday," that's advertising.
If you put the sign on the back
of an elephant and
walk him into town, that's promotion.
If the elephant walks through
the mayor's flower bed,
If you can get the mayor to laugh
about it, that's
And if you planned the elephant's walk, that's marketing."
Subj: Ten Civil Servants (S231b)
From: coreymac on 6/26/2001
Ten civil servants standing
in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine
Nine civil servants who must
One joined the union - then there were eight.
Eight civil servants thought
they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.
Seven civil servants, their
jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.
Six civil servants trying to
One of them was privatized - then there were five.
Five civil servants ready to
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.
Four civil servants full of
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.
Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.
Two civil servants coping on
One went on stress leave - then there was one.
The last civil servant agreed
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
Subj: Complaints Department (S395b)
From: DafterLafter on 8/23/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Good Bye Mom.... (S89, S555c)
From: thebartend on 98-10-16
and From: ginafm on 9/5/2007
A young man was walking through
a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry
if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the
young man, "is there anything
I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving,
can you say 'Good bye,
Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving,
he called out, "Goodbye,
As he stepped up to the checkout
counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Subj: Getting A Salesman's Attention (S321)
..........From: DafterLafter on 3/23/2003
My husband and I had bought some
gadgets for our almost
teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we
realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to
a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the
attention of the clerk. I waited for a little while then
said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that,
I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring
a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over
several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time.
To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take
8 of those batteries over there.
Subj: Salesman Divorces His Wife (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #249 on 98-05-25
A salesman was testifying in
his divorce proceedings against
"Please describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that
first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's
"Well, I'm pretty much on the
road all week," the man
testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive
to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued,
"we were in the midst
of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't
you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
Subj: Salesman Needs A Haircut (S66)
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A traveling salesman checked
into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a
barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk
told him apologetically,
"but down the hall is a special machine that should serve
Skeptical but intrigued, the
salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best
haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine
with a sign that read,
"Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not?" thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted
his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly
The next machine had a huge sign
that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -
cost 50 cents."
The salesman was embarrassed
and looked both ways. Seeing
nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants
and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing,
the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
Subj: Wanna Buy A Fish Hook? (S29, S761)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-31
and From: virv on 8/12/2011
A young fellow from Kansas moves
to California and goes to
a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking
for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Kansas."
Well, the boss liked the kid
so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
His first day on the job was
rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down...
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our
sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably
or look for another job!
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a
small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down
at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass
Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to
be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him
down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for
The boss said, "A guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here
to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might
as well go fishing'."
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
One summer, on a Friday afternoon,
a young man was being
trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson
at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to
show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by
making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he
said and approached a man who has just entered the store.
"May I help you, sir?"
The man replied, "I just moved
into my first house and I
need some fertilizer for my lawn." So the supervisor said,
"Well, we have five and ten pound bags of fertilizer. I
recommend you go with the ten pound bag."
"Why is that?"
"The ten-pound bag will get you
through most of the summer,
but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.
"Fine," the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."
"Very good sir. And would
you like the stiff rake or the
spring-rake with that?"
"Rake? What do I need that for?"
"Well sir," said the supervisor
authoritatively, "if you
don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the
fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil."
"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake."
"Very good sir. And would you
like the fixed sprinkler or
the oscillating sprinkler with that?"
The man started to get a bit
steamed and asked harshly,
"Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertilizer.
What do I need a sprinkler for?"
Calmly, the supervisor responded,
"Well sir, if you water
your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer
will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all,
you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood."
This sounded pretty good to the
man so he picked up the
fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this."
"Very good sir. And would you
like the electric or gas
mower with that?" asked the supervisor.
Now the customer had about had
it and he all but blew up
at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I
came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've already managed
to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one
good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"
Calm as ever, the supervisor
said, "Well sir, if you get
a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming
your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too
long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be
the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale
this week only, and you're going to need it either way."
Well, the man figured that sounded
OK and he really wanted
to get out of there before he bought anything else so at
last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but
"Very good sir. I'll ring that
up for you." After the man
had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor
turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could
The trainee said that he thought
he could and the supervisor
directed him towards another customer. The trainee approached
the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?"
The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife."
Well, the trainee is totally
thrown off by this request. He
can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with
that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought
hard. Suddenly, he had it! "Very good sir. And would you
like the electric or gas mower with that?"
"Mower? What the hell is
wrong with you? I came in here
looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower,
"Well sir, " the trainee answered,
"I figure your weekend
is shot, so you might as well cut the grass."
Subj: Morris The Salesman (S246)
..........From: dogbyte on 10/18/2001
Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire
me. I can sell anyone,
"Well we have two prospects that
No One has been able to
sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours,
and returned and handed them
two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best
I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over
$20,000.00 the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go
back and get urine samples."
Morris was gone about 6 hours
and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets,
one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches
in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine,
and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's
and this one is Mr.Smith's."
"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday
Inn and they were having a
state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a
Subj: Selling Half A Grapefruit (S237, S448b)
..........Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/14/94
..........From: MEBHARKINS on 8/15/2005
A man walked into the produce
section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The
boy working in that department told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that
the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished
his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered
to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal
and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing
but whores and hockey
players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
Subj: Mad Employee Plots Revenge (S182)
This guy has been working at
the local grocery store for over
two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that
the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes
irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker
Arty start talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The
conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees
to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his
saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers head-
line read, "Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods". -- Jafo
Friday vs Monday (S459d)
From: chrisdaddyg on 11/4/2005
This short video clip uses a
penguin and a polar bear to
illustrate workers on Friday and Monday. Click on 'HERE'
to view this cute, short, video.