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>>>
Subj:     Job-Supplement Jokes
                 (Includes 79 jokes and articles, 27 1033,16,cf,tb,vXT4,13)

Steam Horn from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Dilbert Comic Strip (S1033)
.........................ABC News - The All American Home - Video (S783)
.........................Selling Assholes (S546b, S814)
.........................The Monkey Market (S610)
.........................Hung Chow Too Sick To Work (S336)
.........................Door-To-Door Vacuum Salesman (S276b)
.........................Prof. Eddie Obeng Motivational Business Speaker - Videos (S823)
.........................Office Hacky Sack - Video (S610, S795)
.........................Whom to Lay Off?? (S619b)
.........................Picking A New CEO (S538c)
.........................Job Marker 2009 - Video (S584b)
.........................Coming To Work Late (S537)
.........................Differences Between You and Your Boss (S490b)
.........................Flowchart For Problem Resolution (S387)
.........................Tater People (S317b)
.........................You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...(S314b)
.........................The Simple Truths of Service - Video (S564b)
.........................Job S.H.I.T. (S287)
.........................CEOs Make a Break For Border (S286c)
.........................Calling Employees By Name (S276c)
                         Short Job Jokes
..............................Dilbert Sunday Comic Strip (S781)
..............................Hagar Comic Strip (S733)
..............................What's Your Name? (S684b)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S656b)
..............................Store Clerk Makes A Mistake (S288)
..............................Six Phases Of Working - GIF (S649)
..............................Day Off To Help The Wife (S270e)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip II (S919)
..............................Definition-Mission Statement (S347b)
..............................How Big Is Wal-Mart (S620b)
..............................Four People To Do One Job (S305b)
..............................Employee Of The Month (S501c)
..............................Committees (S433)
..............................Not Burger King (S447b)
..............................Variations On Murphy's Law (S158)
..............................Real Short Job Jokes

============================================================Top
Subj:     Dilbert Comic Strip (S1033)
          By Scott Adams on 10/26/2016
 Source: http://dribibu.xs4all.nl/index.
.........php/comics?pic=dilbert20161026
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Top
Subj:     ABC News - The All American Home (S783d)
          From: ft.apache on 12/21/2011
..........At: https://www.youtube.com/embed/YkQXs_Tn7H4

 On ABC World News with Diane Sawyer, David Muir made
 the trip to Bozeman, Montana to find out about the
 All American Home.  Click 'HERE' to see this fascination
 video which is part of the ABC news series "Made In America."

Top
Subj:     Selling Assholes  (S546b, S814)
          From: tom on 11/17/2010
      and From: ft.apache on 8/16/2012

 Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in
 their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't
 ready -- only a few shelves are set up.  One says to the
 other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to
 walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
 selling."

 No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure
 enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a
 peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all
 sellin' here?"  One of the men replies, "Oh! We're
 selling assholes here."

 Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well,
 I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

Top
Subj:     The Monkey Market (S610)
          From: ginafm on 10/7/2008

 Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man
 appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy
 monkeys for $10 each.

 The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around,
 went out to the forest, and started catching them.  The man
 bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish,
 they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their
 effort.

 The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each
 one.  This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
 started catching monkeys again.  But soon the supply
 diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch,
 so people started going back to their farms and forgot about
 monkey catching.  The man increased his price to $25 each
 and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an
 effort to even see a monkey, much less catch
 one.

 The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50!
 However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
 his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

 While the man was away the assistant told the villagers.
 "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man
 has bought.  I will sell them to you at $35 each and when
 the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him
 for $50 each."

 The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all
 the monkeys.  They never saw the man nor his assistant
 again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

 Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market
 works.

Top
Subj:     Prof. Eddie Obeng Motivational
.............Business Speaker (S823d)
 Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Obeng

 Professor Edward (Eddie) David Asihene Obeng is a
 British educator, author and motivational speaker.
 He is a Professor at the School of Entrepreneurship
 and Innovation, Henley Business School; founder and
 Learning Director of Pentacle (The Virtual Business
 School) and a Council Member at the UK Design Council.
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Subj:   The Monkeys And The Ladder Example
        From: PentacleTheVBS
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/pFNXNTVNjZM
 Click 'HERE' to see the great example of our changing
 business world.
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Subj:    TED - Smart Failure For A Fast-Changing World
         From: Wimp.com on 10/18/2012
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/EjSuaeVfE9I
 The world is changing much more rapidly than most people
 realize, says business educator Eddie Obeng at TED -- and
 creative output cannot keep up.  In this spirited talk,
 he highlights three important changes we should understand
 for better productivity, and calls for a stronger culture
 of "smart failure."

 Click 'HERE' to see learn about "smart failure" and why
 you need it.

Top
Subj:     Hung Chow Too Sick To Work (S336)
          From: DoctorDebt on 7/5/2003

 (Also see 'Doctor's Advice For Migraine Headaches' in DOCTOR1)

 Hung Chow calls his boss and says "Hey Boss, I not come to
 work today, I berry sick. I dot stomach ache, headache, an
 wegs hurt. I not come work."

 The boss tells Hung Chow.... "You know Hung Chow, we are
 very busy, and really need you at work today.  When I feel
 like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.  That
 makes me feel better and then I go to work. Try that."

 Two hours later, Hung Chow calls his boss again.... "Hey
 Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon.
 You got nice house!"

Top
Subj:     Door-To-Door Vacuum Salesman (S276b)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 12/16/2000

 An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the
 first house in his new territory.  He knocks, a real mean
 and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has
 a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow
 patties all over the carpet.

 He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders
 cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

 She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want
 ketchup on that?"

 The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

 She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the
 electricity turned on yet."

Top
Subj:     Office Hacky Sacy (S610d, S795)
          From: darrellvip on 8/27/2008
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/zKzHEqnfdfI
Photo from
Yahoo! Search

 A guy at the office takes a break to play some hacky sack
 and performs a surprising finish.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this man's amazing hacky sack skills.  Don't skip this video.

Top
Subj:     Whom to Lay Off?? (S619b)
          From: ginafm on 11/16/2008

 As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I
 have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will
 be our next President, and that our taxes and government
 fees will increase in a BIG way.  To compensate for these
 increases, I figure that the clients will have to see an
 increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we
 cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state
 of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees
 instead.

 This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe
 we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will
 have to go.  So, this is what I did.  I strolled through our
 parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees'
 cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid
 off.  I can't think of a more fair way to approach this
 problem.  These folks wanted change, I gave it to them.

Top
Subj:     Picking A New CEO (S538c)
          From: auntiegah on 5/6/2007

 A successful business man was growing old and knew it was
 time to choose a successor to take over the business.

 Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children,
 he decided to do something different.  He called all the
 young executives in his company together.

 He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the
 next CEO.  I have decided to choose one of you."  The young
 executives were shocked, but the boss continued. "I am
 going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very
 special SEED.  I want you to plant the seed, water it, and
 come back here one year from today with what you have grown
 from the seed I have given you.  I will then judge the
 plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next
 CEO".

 One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the
 others, received a seed.  He went home and excitedly, told
 his wife the story.  She helped him get a pot, soil and
 compost and he planted the seed.  Everyday, he would water
 it and watch to see if it had grown.  After about three
 weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about
 their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
 Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.  Three
 weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.  By
 now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't
 have a plant and he felt like a failure.  Six months went
 by--still nothing in Jim's pot.  He just knew he had killed
 his seed.  Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he
 had nothing.  Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues,
 however.  He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil
 - He so wanted the seed to grow.

 A year finally went by and all the young executives of the
 company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.
 Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty
 pot.  But she asked him to be honest about what happened.
 Jim felt sick at his stomach, it was going to be the most
 embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was
 right.  He took his empty pot to the board room.  When Jim
 arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by
 the other executives.  They were beautiful--in all shapes
 and sizes.  Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of
 his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

 When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his
 young executives.  Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My,
 what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,"
 said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next
 CEO!"

 All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the
 room with his empty pot.  He ordered the financial director
 to bring him to the front.  Jim was terrified.  He thought,
 "The CEO knows I'm a failure!  Maybe he will have me fired!"

 When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had
 happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.

 The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim.  He looked
 at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold
 your next Chief Executive!  His name is Jim!"  Jim couldn't
 believe it.  Jim couldn't even grow his seed.  How could he
 be the new CEO the others said?

 Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in
 this room a seed.  I told you to take the seed, plant it,
 water it, and bring it back to me today.

 But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was
 not possible for them to grow.  All of you, except Jim,
 have brought me trees and plants and flowers.

 When you found that the seed would not grow, you
 substituted another seed for the one I gave you.  Jim was
 the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a
 pot with my seed in it.  Therefore, he is the one who
 will be the new Chief Executive!"

 If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

 If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

 If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

 If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

 If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

 If you plant hard work, you will reap success

 If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

 If you plant faith, you will reap a harvest

 So be careful what you plant for it will determine
 what you will reap later.

Top
Subj:     Job Marker 2009 (S584b,d)
          From: rfslick on 3/28/2008
..........At: https://www.youtube.com/embed/3XGJq8wrw5I

 In this video, a Mexican American in a pick-up pulls up
 to a bunch of workers in suits and fills is truck with
 the workers he needs.  Clicking 'HERE' to see this cute,
 silly video.

Top
Subj:     Coming To Work Late (S537)
          From: SCOTCOB on 5/5/2007

 Rick was in his early 50's, retired and starting a second
 career.  However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on
 time.  Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was an
 outstanding worker, real sharp, and loved his new job.
 So the "Boss" was in a big quandary about how to deal
 with it.  Finally, one day he called him into the office
 for a talk.

 "Rick, I have to tell you, I really like your work ethic,
 you do a bang-up job, but you being late so often is quite
 bothersome.'

 "Yes, I know, Boss, and I am really working on it."

 "Well good, you're a fine team player.  That's what I like
 to hear.  It's odd though about you coming in late.  I
 know you're retired from the Air Force.

 What did they say if you came in late there?"

 They said: "Good morning, General."

Top
Subj:     Differences Between You and Your Boss (S490b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/14/2006

 When you take a long time, you're slow.
 When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
 When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
 When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
    your authority.
 When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

 When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
 When your boss does it, he's being firm.

 When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
 When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

 When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
 When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
 When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
 When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
 When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Top
Subj:     Flowchart For Problem Resolution (S387)
          From: mrx@ezines4all.com on 6/14/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Tater People (S317b)
          From: RFSlick on 2/23/2003

 (See 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud' in IRISH2 file
  and 'http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/sweettators/')

 Some people never seem motivated to participate,
 but are  just content to watch while others do the work.
 They are called "Speck Taters".

 Some people never do anything to help,
 but are gifted at finding fault with the way
 others do the work.
 They are called "Comment Taters".

 Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do,
 but don't want to soil their own hands.
 They are called "Dick Taters".

 Some people are always looking to cause problems
 by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or
 too cold, too sour or too sweet.
 They  are called "Agie Taters".

 There are those who say they will help,
 but somehow just never get around to actually
 doing the promised help.
 They are  called "Hezzie Taters".

 Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
 someone they are not.
 They are called "Emma Taters".

 Then  there are those who love others and do
 what they say they will.  They are always prepared
 to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping
 hand.  They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
 They are called "Sweet Taters".

 If you know any "Sweet Taters", send them this!!
 By logic of reason YOU must therefore be a  "sweet tater!"

Top
Subj:     You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...(S314b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/5/2003

 You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
 "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's
 deposit in a mailbox.

 A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman
 and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's
 your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

 While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some
 confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee
 on the keyboard. It shorts out.

 You return from a week's vacation to find that you had
 scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

 You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you,
 "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

 You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked
 knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company
 Christmas party.

Top
Subj:     The Simple Truths of Service (S564b,d)
          From: gordonschuk on 10/21/07
 Source: http://www.stservicemovie.com/

 A second title to this video is 'Johnny The Grocery
 Store Bagger'.  It illustrates how it costs so little
 to positively impact someones life.  You can view it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Job S.H.I.T. (S287)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/30/2002

 (See 'Forced Retirement Of Older Employees' in JOBS3)

 TO : ALL EMPLOYEES

 FR : MANAGEMENT

 SUBJECT : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

 In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
 productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep
 all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL
 HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

 We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
 anyone else.

 If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
 on the job, please see your manager.

 You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
 list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
 that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

 DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
 Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have
 to go through EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.)

 Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted,
 they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of
 S.H.I.T. already.

 If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
 training others.  We can add your name to our BASIC
 UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

 Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.
 jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF EXTRA
 EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

 If you have any further questions, please direct them to:

 HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGHT INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.
 S.H.I.T.).

 Thank you.

 BOSS IN GENERAL
 SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
 (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Top
Subj:     CEOs Make a Break For Border (S286c)
          From: Cypriot on 7/12/2002

 Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican
 Border

 SAN ANTONIO, Texas(Reuters) - Unwilling to wait for their
 eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public
 U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
 the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along
 the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing
 expense.

 "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then
 double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las
 Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my
 daughters."

 Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives
 were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River
 near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320
 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.  By
 late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated
 Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent
 profit for the fiscal second quarter.

 This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco,
 transferred its underperforming areas to a private
 partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

 Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders
 riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

 First of all, they're very hard to find because they
 always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep
 shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every
 time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!',
 they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the
 phone all damn morning."

 "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

 The pursuers said they have had some success, however,
 by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night
 we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our
 female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S.  Border
 Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to
 a flame."

 Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered
 listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds
 of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves
 rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,
 "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was
 totally out of the loop on that.'"

 Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this
 method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's
 John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest,
 Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
 Crossing CEO since 1997.  ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal
 and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join
 the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.  So
 far, about 50 chief executives have been captured,
 including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El
 Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at
 the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

 "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping
 motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she
 could make edible snowman place settings, using the
 cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol
 officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7,
 because the morning sun really adds texture to the
 stucco walls."

 While some stragglers are believed to have successfully
 crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the
 CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

 "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,"
 she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans
 and accounting for each change as a sale."

Top
Subj:     Calling Employees By Name (S276c)
..........From: twistedhumor.com on December 29, 2000

 The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
 and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?"
 he asked the new guy.

 "John," the new guy replied.

 The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of
 a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call
 anyone by their first name.  It breeds familiarity and
 that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer to my
 employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones,
 Baker ... That's all.  I am to be referred to only as
 Mr. Robertson.  Now that we got that straight, what is
 your last name?"

 The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

 "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


Subj:     Short Job Jokes

Top
Subj:     Dilbert Sunday Comic Strip (S781)
          By Scott Adams on 1/1/2012
 Source: http://dribibu.xs4all.nl/index.php/comics?pic=dilbert20120101
 Click 'HERE' for my copy, to read this all too true
 Sunday comic strip about "The Executive Development Program."
 

Top
Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S733)
          by Chris Browne on 1/11/2009
          From: Tom on 1/22/2011
 Source: http://www.hagardunor.net/comicstrips_us.
.........php?serietype=9&colortype=1&serieno=394
 This Hagar the Horrible, Sunday comic strip explains what
 to do when your employee asks for a raise.  Click 'HERE'
 to see this cute comic strip.
 

Top
Subj:     What's Your Name? (S684b)
          From: LABLaughs on 2/23/2010
 After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the
 fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to
 speak to the manager, Ahmed.

 "Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy
 who answered the phone.

 "Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

 "This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

 "I thought you just said your name was Ed." asked my boss.

 "It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm
 saying, 'I'm Ed,' so I figured it's just easier to be Ed!"
 

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S656b)
          By Wiley Miller on 8/2/2009
..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2009/08/02
 Click 'HERE' to see this comic strip about being
 your own boss.
 

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Subj:     Store Clerk Makes A Mistake (S288)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/26/2002 (S288b - golf3)
 A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
 "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it
 doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

 Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was
 walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am.
 Of course, we'll have some soon.  In fact, we placed an
 order for it a couple of weeks ago."

 Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never,
 never, never, never say we don't have something.  If we
 don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now,
 what was it she wanted?"

 "Rain."
 

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Subj:     Six Phases Of Working (S649)
          From: gattica30 on 6/16/2009
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute animated web page.
 

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Subj:     Day Off To Help The Wife (S270e)
          From: twistedhumor.com on January 21, 2002

 Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

 "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at
 home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
 and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

 "We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't
 give you the day off."

 "Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"
 

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Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S919)
          By Wiley Miller on 8/21/2014
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2014/08/21
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Subj:     Definition-Mission Statement (S347b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/25/2003
A mission statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence
that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
 

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Subj:     How Big Is Wal-Mart (S620b)
          From: tom on 11/29/2008
 Source: (Removed from bitsandpieces.us)
 I'm not sure if these facts about Wal-Mart are true, but
 they are interesting. You can read them by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

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Subj:     Four People To Do One Job (S305b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/3/2002
 This is a story about four people named Everybody,
 Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important
 job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
 Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody
 could have done it, but Nobody did it.

 Somebody got angry about that, because it was
 Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could
 do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't
 do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
 when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
 
 

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Subj:     Employee Of The Month (S501c)
..........From: darrell94590 on 8/28/2006
 You can view this cute photo by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Committees (S433)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/9/2005
 I have to admit it, Johnson had offered a brilliant proposal
 to resolve our troublesome problem.  He suggested we form
 three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to
 study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and
 a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts
 into a workable solution.

 The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to
 change the lightbulb.
 

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Subj:.....Not Burger King (S447b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult .on 8/11/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this sign by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

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 From 'Variations On Murphy's Law' (S158) in LAWS file.

 5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
 When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room
 for the mouse.

 9. Law of Probable Dispersal
 Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 10. Law of Volunteer Labor
 People are always available for work in the past tense.

 11. Conway's Law
 In any organization there is one person who knows what
 is going on.  That person must be fired.

 12. Iron Law of Distribution
 Them that has, gets.

 15. Heeler's Law
 The first myth of management is that it exists.

 17. Main's Law
 For every action there is an equal and opposite
 government program.
 

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Subj:     Real Short Job Jokes

 In 1900 a competent accountant could expect to earn $2000
 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between
 $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about
 $5000 per year.

 A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
 record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the
 use of safety goggles on the job.  According to Industrial
 Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
 accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
 minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
 Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
 after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
 film.

 Most executives say this automatically eliminates a candidate
 from job consideration - what is it?
 A typo in their resume.

 In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
 blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.
 "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I
 had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
 

From: humorlist-digest V3 #18 on 99-01-21
 At an office:
 "This job is only a test had it been an actual job,
 you would have received raises, bonses and promotions."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted
 people without killing them used to burn their houses down
 - hence the expression "to get fired."

From: auntieg 98-05-09
 In most advertisements, including newspapers,
 the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

From: dogbyte on 11/9/2001 (S249)
 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
   -- Charles Schultz

From: dogbyte on 11/28/2001 (S252)
 Hard work may not kill you,
 but why take chances?

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/5/2002 (S262)
 The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
 you're still a rat.  -- Lily Tomlin

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/28/2002 (S264)
 Success is rare, unless the effort is enjoyable.

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/4/2002 (S270c)
 "A friendship founded on business is better than a business
  founded on friendship."  -- John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

From: RFSlick on 98-10-17 (S285b)
 I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that
 it can't be blamed on somebody else.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
 When do you care for a man's company?  When he owns it.

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
 "The secret of success is to know something nobody else
  knows."  -- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/1/2002 (S274c)
 "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be
  looking for it"  -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

From: CatScratch on 6/3/2002 (S279b)
 A bus station is where a bus stops.
 A train station is where a train stops.
 On my desk,... I have a work station.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/10/2002 (S280b)
 Most of the important things in the world have been
 accomplished by people who have kept on trying when
 there seemed to be no hope at all.  -- Dale Carnegie

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/21/2006 (S495b)
 "The best things in life are yours, if you can
  appreciate them." - Dale Carnegie

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/21/2006 (S495b)
 "Today is life - the only life you are sure of.  Make
  the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake
  yourself awake.  Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep
  through you. Live today with gusto."  - Dale Carnegie

From: LABLaughs.com on 12/21/2002 (S308b)
 Concentrate your energies, your thoughts and your
 capital.... The wise man puts all his eggs in one
 basket and watches the basket.  -- Andrew Carnegie

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2006 (S491b)
 "People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what
  they are doing."  -- Andrew Carnegie

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/30/2002 (S300b)
 You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing
 the means he uses to frighten you.  -- Eric Hoffer

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/1/2003 (S309b)
 A man should live with his superiors as he does with fire,
 not too near, lest he burns, or too far off, lest he
 freezes.

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/25/2003 (S317b)
 A man rarely succeeds at anything
 unless he has fun doing it.

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 2/23/2003 (S317b)
 More and more these days I find myself pondering how to
 reconcile my net income with my gross habits.  -- John Nelson.

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/2/2003 (S318b)
 An executive succeeds or fails not so much because of
 what he does, but because of what he is able to get
 someone else to do.

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/3/2003 (S318b)
 A man can succeed at almost anything
 for which he has unlimited enthusiasm.

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/9/2003 (S319b)
 Nothing motivates a man more than to see
 his boss putting in an honest day's work.

From: igiggle on 8/5/2003 (S340b)
 Brian:  Sir, my wife said I was to ask for a raise.
 Boss:  Good, I'll ask my wife if I may give you one.

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/26/2006 (S476b)
 "In modern business it is not the crook who is to be
  feared most, it is the honest man who doesn't know
  what he is doing."  -- William Wordsworth

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/28/2006 (S483b)
 "Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket."
    -- Robert Orben

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/13/2007 (S530b)
 I have learned that no matter how many times you changes
 jobs that it's the same circus...just different clowns.

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2008 (S622b)
 Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in
 mud.  After a while you realize that while you are
 getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2008 (S622b)
 "A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go
  further than a great idea that inspires no one."
    -- Mary Kay Ash
 

From: kmacinty on 11/25/2009 (S282b)
 Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
 A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004 (S412b)
 Q: What is a perfect secretary?
 A: One who never misses a period.

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............................From Smiley_Central.
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