Subj:     Jobs1 Jokes
                 (Includes 30 jokes and articles, 09 1004n,11,cf,wXT2,6)

Man with Chart
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Jimmy Fallon's #HowIQuit Tweets - Video (S952)
.........................The Science Of Persuasion - Video (S837)
.........................Why I'm Tired (S110)
.........................Dilbert Comic Strip (S639c)
.........................So You Want The Day Off (S110)
.........................Monster.com "Doubletake" - Super Bowl Ad - Video (S721)
.........................Firing Employees (S36, S612b)
.........................Pickle Factory Worker Fired (S280, S609)
.........................Film On Sexual Harassment - Video (S473)
.........................How Careers End: (S126b, DU)
.........................Types Of Jobs (DU)
.........................Don't Look Away When I'm Talking To You - Video (S620b)
.........................Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work (S156, S484)
.........................The Corporate Ladder (S84, DU)
.........................Our Employees - Cartoon (S494)
.........................Some Thoughts On 'The Boss' (S78, DU)
.........................Female Employee's Mother Dies (DU)
.........................Non Sequirur Comic About C.E.Os (S556c)
.........................Beating A Dead Horse (S240b, S611b)
.........................Coffee w/Milk
.........................Garfield On Work (S396)
.........................Monthly Evaluation
.........................The Plan (S273e, S472)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon II (S623c)
.........................Top 14 Rejected "Secretaries Day" Cards
.........................Who's In Charge? (S349)
.........................Blondie Comic Strip (S643)
.........................Letter Of Recommendation (S224)
.........................Job Candidate Has A Facial Tick
.........................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S667b)

Also see ACCIDENT1    - 'The Bricklayer'
         ANIMAL,OTHER - 'Professional Competency Test'
         ARAB file    - 'Arab And Jewish Tie Salesman'
         ASIAN file   - 'Banking Crisis In Japan'
         ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese Hiring Practice'
         BAR2 file    - 'Man With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar' (fax)
         BATHROOM file- 'How To Poop At Work:'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'Fortune 500's Men's Washroom'
......................- 'Trapped In A Toilet At Work'
         BIRDS file   - 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure'
.........BIRD-PARROTS - 'Three High Priced Parrots'
         BIRTHDAY     - 'My 45 Birthday'
         BLACKS2 file - 'Painting Of Three Nude Black Men'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Goes To Work After Many Years'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Boss Leaves Early'
         BUGS_ETC file- 'Teaching About Worker Ants'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Toyota Vs Ford'
......................- 'Reason I'm Late For Work'
         CATS1 file   - 'Here Kitty, Kitty...Kitty'
         CATS2 file   - 'Nude Husband Fixes Garbage Disposal'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Scientists Discover New Element'
         CHRISTMAS2   - 'Christmas Party Planning'
......................- 'Office Christmas Party'
         CLOTHING file- 'Store Sells Ugly Suit'
         COLLEGE2 file- 'Business Student Earns A 'C''
.........COLLEGEGRAD  - 'Job Interview'
         COMPUTERS2   - 'Buying A Monkey From A Pet Shop'
         COMPUTER3    - 'Man With No E-Mail'
......................- 'Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost'
         COMPUTER4    - 'Cleaning Your Computer'
         CONDOM file  - 'Condom Factory Tour'
         COWS-SHEEP   - 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Many Differences'
         DOG1 file    - 'Who's Dog Is Better'
......................- 'Dog Applies For Job'
         ELEPHANT file- 'An Elephant's Medicine'
         ENGINEERS2   - 'Five Cannibals Become Engineers'
         ENGINEER3    - 'Computer Engineer Job Sign'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Working Christmas Eve'
         FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates And Farting' (phone/fax)
         FISHING1 file- 'Mexican Fisherman Meets MBA'
......................- 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
         FOOD_ETC     - 'The Lemonade Stand'
         FOOD_ETC_SUP2- 'Anti-Theft Lunch Bag'
......................- 'Popsicle Stick Riddle'
         FOOTBALL file- 'The Stock Boy Falls In Love'
......................- 'Sex Change Girl Knows Football'
         FUCK file    - 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' - Video
         FUNERAL file - 'Sending Flowers To A New Business'
         GENIE file   - 'Three Computer People Find A Genie'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Man And His Secretary Have An Affair'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Blind Man And His Dog In A Store'
         HEADLINES-ADS- 'International Marketing Ads'
......................- 'Viagra Advertising Slogans'
         HEADLNS-SUPP2- '3D Posters On Vending Machines'
         HELL file    - 'Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell'
.........HOOKER file  - 'Cheap Hooker Arrested'
......................- 'Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar'
.........HOSPITAL2    - 'Organ Donor Fired'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Dilbert Comic Strip'
......................- 'Bizarro Cartoon II'
         INDIAN file  - 'The Dead Horse Theory' - Drawing
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Buisness School'
......................- 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
         JOB-STUFF    - 'The Dilemma'
......................- 'Sales Methods'
......................- (see whole file)
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Asking Applicants A Final Question'
......................- 'Definition Of A Committee'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Whose Father Is Fastest?'
......................- 'Boss Talks To Child'
         LABOR DAY    - 'Labor Day'
         LAWS file    - 'Murphy's Laws of Work'
         LETTERS1 file- 'Great Resignation Letter'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Would You Still Love Me?'
......................- 'Wife Stays With Man Through Bad Times'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Factory Only Hires Married Men'
         MATH3 file   - 'Formulas For Work, Knowledge And Money'
         MEXICAN file - 'Get A Yob' - Video
         MONKEY file  - 'Organizational Theory'
         MUSIC file   - 'The Day the NASDAQ Died'
         NATIVE AMERIC- 'The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional Competency Test'
         OTHER_OCCUP  - 'The Wal-Mart Greeter'
......................- 'Texas Pharmacy Sells Drugs At Cost'
         OTH_OCC-SUPP - 'The Modern Lumberjack'
         OTHER-PEOPLE - 'Dilbert Comic Strip On Robots'
.........PENIS2 file  - 'Penis Asks For Raise'
.........PHONE-SUPP   - 'Dilbert Comic Strip on Twittering'
         PRISON file  - 'Life In Prison -vs- A Full-Time Job'
         QUOTES3 file - 'Quotes From The Workplace'
......................- 'More Quotes From The Workplace'
         QUOTES-COMED - 'Who's Job Is It? (Similar to 'Who's on first')'
         RIDDFLE-SUPP - 'A What Am I Riddle #26'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids'
......................- 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids II'
         SCHOOL-SUPP3 - 'Selling Toothbrushs'
         SEX3 file    - 'Statistical Findings On Sex:'
         SHIPS file   - 'Japanese American Boat Race'
         SHIT file    - 'Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work'
         SOLDIER file - 'Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open'
         SWEDISH file - 'Sven And Ole Apply For Unemployment'
         SWIMMING file- 'Bad Day At The Office'
         TAXES file   - 'Man Goes To Priest With Business Problems'
         THOUGHTS-LRN2- 'Road To Success'
         THO-LEARN-SUP- 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln'
         THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'A Child In Need'
......................- 'We'd Like To See On Office Posters'
......................- 'Serenity'
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Thoughts On Time Management'
......................- 'More Thoughts On Time'
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Dilbert Comic Strip'
.........WAITER-ETC   - 'Indian Carrying Shotgun, And Manure, Wants Coffee'

Subj:     Jimmy Fallon's #HowIQuit Tweets (S952d)
          Made by: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
          From: Meagan Briggs on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rBYZqVeggwY
.......In honor of Zayn Malik quitting One Direction,
.......Jimmy Fallon made this week's 'Hashtag' #HowIQuit.
.......From the response, it's clear some people really
.......know how to stick it to the man on their way out
.......of a job.  Click 'HERE' to hear these funny tweets.
Subj:     The Science Of Persuasion (S837d)
          By Robert Cialdini and Steve Martin
          From: Wimp.com on 1/21/2013
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/cFdCzN7RYbw
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/persuasionscience/

 Animation describing the Universal Principles of Persuasion
 based on the research of Dr. Robert Cialdini, Professor
 Emeritus of Psychology and Marketing, Arizona State University.
 Click 'HERE' to see this interesting video.

Subj:     Why I'm Tired (S110)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-01
      and From: FrankRoesc on 99-03-13

 For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood,
 lack of vitamins, working out, and a dozen other reasons.
 But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm

 The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million
 are retired.  That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to
 do the work.

 Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
 This leaves 19 million to do the work.

 Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million
 to do the work.

 Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
 and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

 There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do
 the work.

 Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.  That leaves just
 two people to do the work.

 You and me.

 And you're sitting there reading your freakin' email.

Subj:     Dilbert Comic Strip (S639c)
          By Scott Adams on 4/9/2009
 Source: http://dribibu.xs4all.nl/index.php/comics?pic=dilbert20090409
Subj:     So You Want The Day Off (S110)
          From: unknown

 Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for :

 There are 365 days available for work.

 There are 52 weeks per year, of which you already have two
 days off each weekend, leaving 261 days available for work.
 Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, that
 accounts for 170 days. There are 91 days left available for work.

 You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks, which account for
 23 days each year, leaving 68 days available for work.

 You spend one hour a day at lunch, which accounts for another
 46 days per year, leaving 22 days available for work.

 You spend two days per year on sick leave, leaving 20 days

 You take nine holidays per year, leaving 11 days available
 for work.

 And you take 10 days vacation a year, leaving one day
 available for work.

 And--NO WAY--are you going to take that day!

Subj:     Monster.com "Doubletake" - Super Bowl Ad (S721d)
          From: darrellvip on 10/27/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/aBKiHjgq2cA

 This thirty second "I Need a New Job" ad from Monster.com
 is cute.  Click 'HERE' to view it.

Subj:     Firing Employees (S36, S612b)
         From: Daemonic Funnies Page
      and From: gattica30 on 9/28/2008

 Mr. Smith owned a small business.  He had two employees,
 Sarah and Jack.  They were both extremely good employees
 - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
 Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided
 that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees
 and he would have to lay one off.  But both Sarah and Jack
 were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair
 way to do it.  He decided that he  would watch them work
 and the first one to take a break would be the one he would
 lay off.

 He sits in his office and watches them work.  Suddenly,
 Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin.
 She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water
 cooler to get something to wash it down with.  Mr. Smith
 follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder
 and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

 Sarah replys, "Can you jack off?  I have a headache."

Subj:     Pickle Factory Worker Fired (S280, S609)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 9/11/2008
 Source: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/14/2000

 Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed
 there for a number of years when he came home one day to
 confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
 He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
 His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk
 about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
 He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

 One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen.
 His wife could see at once that something was seriously
 wrong.  "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

 "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
 urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

 "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

 "Yes, I did."

 The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what
 damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a
 sigh of relief.  "So what happened?"

 "I got fired."

 "What happened with the pickle slicer?"

 "Oh,..... she got fired too."

Subj:     Film On Sexual Harassment (S473d)
          From: auntiegah on 2/5/2006
 Source1: http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=5880#.VSbu4tzF8qM
 Source2: http://vk.com/video794441_164979594

 On April 16, 2005, Tom Brady stared in this Saturday Night
 Live black and white skit in Season 30: Episode 17.  Click
 on either source, or 'HERE' to see this very funny video
 as a WMV file.

Subj:     How Careers End: (S126b, DU)
          From: smiles on 6/27/99

  -  Lawyers are disbarred.
  -  Ministers are defrocked.
  -  Electricians are delighted.
  -  Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
  -  Drunks are distilled.
  -  Alpine climbers are dismounted.
  -  Piano tuners are unstrung.
  -  Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
  -  Artists' models are deposed.
  -  Cooks are deranged.
  -  Dressmakers are unbiased.
  -  Nudists are redressed.
  -  Office clerks are defiled.
  -  Mediums are dispirited.
  -  Programmers are decoded.
  -  Accountants are discredited.
  -  Holy people are disgraced.
  -  Pastry chefs are deserted.
  -  Perfume makers are dissented.
  -  Butterfly collectors are debugged.
  -  Students are degraded.
  -  Electricians are refused.
  -  Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
  -  Underwear models are debriefed
  -  Painters are discolored.
  -  Spinsters are dismissed.
  -  Judges are disappointed.
  -  Vegas dealers are discarded.
  -  Mathematicians are discounted.
  -  Tree surgeons disembark.

Subj:     Types Of Jobs (DU)
          From: icohen on 98-10-29

 An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything
 and the value of nothing.

 An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and
 bayonets all the wounded.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/13/2005 (S455b in Banking)
 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
 rain. (Mark Twain)

 An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the
 things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

 A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but
 lacks the personality to be an accountant.

 An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
 because that decreases the chances that there will be
 another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

 A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't
 know you had in a way you don't understand.

 A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking
 for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

 A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference
 between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

 A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document
 and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

 A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when
 a beautiful girl enters the room.

 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

 A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to
 think she liked children.

 A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your
 wrist and tells you the time.

 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
 in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Subj:     Don't Look Away When I'm Talking To You
          From: tom on 11/28/2008 (S620b,d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/pBIMpHIZmUE

 Guy gets distracted whilst his woman boss is talking to him,
 but she has a trick to teach him a lesson he will never forget.
 Click 'HERE' to see this short, cute video.

Subj:     Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work (S156, S484)
          From: RobertTompkins on 98-10-06
      and From: gattica30 on 5/3/2006

  | B u d w e i s e r | |"|"\,____.
  |___________________| |_|__|...,]

  While this may appear simply as a joke, if you read
  carefully below, the logic is actually pretty sound.

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with
     a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think,
     not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if
     you have a bad job you don't care.
 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
     come to work.
 11. It makes fellow employees look better.
 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises
     when they have had a couple of drinks
 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need
     to relax at the bar.
 17. It makes everyone more open with his or her ideas.
 18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had
     a couple of drinks.
 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
     their lunch break.
 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer
     be seen as "gross."
 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common.

Subj:     The Corporate Ladder (S84, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #204 on 98-09-01

.(Also see 'Worker's Favorite Sports' in JOBS3)

 When Development Engineers go out together on a weekend
 they talk about football.

 When Middle management gets together,
 they talk about tennis.

 When top management are in meetings,
 they discusses golf.

 The Conclusion - The higher up you are in management,
 the smaller your balls are.

Subj:     Our Employees - Cartoon (S494)
          From: LABLaughsClean  on 7/13/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Some Thoughts On 'The Boss' (S78, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #180 on 98-07-19

 Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue
 having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no
 work is getting done".

 Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault.  I
 said I was going to blame it on you."

 A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue
 until morale improves."

 A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good
 people to get the ones we hired."

 My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
 unfamiliar territory.

 My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see
 as a protective barrier.

 My Boss needs a surge protector.  That way her mouth would
 be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

 I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself.
 My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

 He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
 He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without
 the benefit of a SPINE.

 Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

 Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task
 force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever
 gave you the impression your input would have any effect on
 my decision for the outcome of this project!"

 HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer
 training.  Although that qualifies you for upper management,
 it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

 Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer
 intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates
 for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her
 summer classes.

Subj:     Female Employee's Mother Dies (DU)
          From: smiles on 98-07-17

 A woman goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.  Her
 boss concerned about all his employees well being asked
 sympathetically, "What's the matter?"  To which the woman
 replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
 my mother had passed away."

 The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the
 young girl.  "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't
 terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."  The
 woman very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here.  I
 need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
 doing that here."  The boss agrees and allows the woman to
 work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

 Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on
 the woman...he looks out over his office and sees the woman
 hysterically crying!!!!!  He rushes out to her asking" What
 is so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

 "No..." exclaims the woman, " I just received a horrible
 call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

Subj:     Non Sequirur Comic About C.E.Os (S556c)
          By Wiley Miller on 9/12/2007
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2007/09/12
Subj:     Beating A Dead Horse (S240b, S611b)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-17
      and From: mbucher on 9/5/2001

 Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are
 riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
 However, in business we often try other strategies with
 dead horses, including the following:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.

  2. Changing riders.

  3. Saying things like, "This is the way we have always
     ridden this horse."

  4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

  5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how
     they ride dead horses.

  6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

  7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

  8. Creating a training session to increase
     our riding ability.

  9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse
     is not dead."

 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for
     increased speed.

 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 14. Providing additional funding to increase the
     horse's performance.

 15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can
     ride it cheaper.

 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an
     independent variable.

 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subj:     Coffee w/Milk
          From: ossama on 98-07-13

 Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the
 campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those
 not from the East Coast of the U.S.)

 Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes,
 according to Ian, this actually happened.

 Ian is telling the story.

 Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
 Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
 Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
 Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
 Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
 Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
 Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
 Me: A coffee with milk.
 Her: Yes.

 Me: Anything else?
 Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee
      with no caffeine?
 Me: We do have decaf.
 Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without
      the caffeine.
 Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
 Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
 Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
 Her: Yes it does.
 Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
 Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it
      must have caffeine.
 Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we
     only get the decaf milk.
 No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

 Her: Do you have any bagels?
 Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry,
      ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
 Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
 Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
 Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.

 Her: Do you take credit cards?
 Me: No ma'am, cash only.
 Her: What about visa?
 He: Is that a credit card?
 Her: Well, yes.
 Vinnie: Is it cash?
 Her: No.
 Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
 Her: What about checks?
 Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
 Her: O.K.

 Her: How much is that?
 Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
 Her: Really?
 Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business,
         plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's
         hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
 Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

 Vinnie: Please leave.
 Her: Why?
 Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
 Her: But what about my coffee?
 Vinnie: Leave and never return.

 She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

Subj:     Garfield On Work (S396)
          From: DafterLafter on 8/24/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     Monthly Evaluation
          From: auntieg on 98-06-06

 Employee Name:     Date:


 Knowledge: _____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
  _____ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
   _____ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
   _____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a
    higher I.Q.


 Accuracy: _____ Does excellent work if not preoccupied
   with pussy.
   _____ Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out
   his ass.
   _____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher
   than ten.
   _____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same
   number twice.


 Reliability: _____ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
   _____ Works so hard that he might take an extra
   day off each week.
   _____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the
   _____ Totally fucking worthless.


 Appearance: _____ Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair.
   _____ Looks great on his off days.
   _____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
   _____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch.


 Performance: _____ Goes like a son of a bitch if there is
   money in it for him.
   _____ Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation
   _____ Works well after an enema.
   _____ Couldn't do less if he were in coma.


 Leadership: _____ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
   _____ Macho attitude, commands total disgust.
   _____ Dog fasted three days last time he brought
   home pork chops.
   _____ Mother Teresa told him  to get fucked.


 I understand that I have been counseled and understand my
 rights under Privacy Act of 1974.  I further acknowledge
 that I am as fucked up as a ball bat and I will make some
 attempt to correct my deficiencies.

Subj:     The Plan (S273e, S472)
          From: ossama
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/29/2006

 In the beginning was the Plan
 and then came the assumptions;
 and the assumptions were without form
 and the plan was completely without substance
 and darkness was upon the face of the workers
 and they spake unto their Supervisors
 and saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
 and the Supervisors went unto their Section Heads
 and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung,
 and none may abide the odour thereof."
 and the Section Heads went unto their Department Heads
 and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement,
 and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."
 and the Department Heads went unto their Managers,
 and sayeth unto them, "It is a vessel of fertiliser;
 and none may abide its strength."
 and the Managers went unto the Vice President
 and saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth
 and it is very strong."
 and the Vice President went unto the CEO
 and sayeth unto him, "It promoteth growth and is very
 and the CEO went unto the Board of Directors
 and sayeth unto them
     "This powerful new plan will actively promote the growth,
 and efficiency of the department and this area in particular."
 and the Board of Directors looked upon the Plan
 and saw that it was Good,
 and the Plan became Policy,
 And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon II (S623c in Math3-Supp)
          By Wiley Miller on 12/15/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2008/12/15
Subj:    Top 14 Rejected "Secretaries Day" Cards
         This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
         From: The Top Five List  at http://www.topfive.com
         From: ossama on 98-04-23

14> Lusty whispers on the phone, a quick tryst in the car.
    I love the time we spend alone, but please don't tell HR.

13> F yu cn rd ths, yu knw hw I fl whn I rd yr tpng.
    Pck up yr thngs -- Y'r frd!

12> You're privy to all of my shadiest deals,
    But God help you, sister, if you ever squeal!

11> Thanks for your smile, it's really the most,
    Even though my expenses are more than your gross.

10> You're tireless, honest, bright and efficient,
    But I'm letting you go for some young chick who isn't.

 9> No pad and no pencil, forget all that crap!
    It's time for "dictation" -- Come sit on my lap.

 8> Roses are red, violets are blue.
    If I had your job, I'd hate me too.

 7> Here are some flowers,
       some candy, and this poem.
    By the way, you've been downsized
       -- pack your things and go home.

 6> We've seen you work hard, we've seen you work long.
    Now let's see you work in this red satin thong.

 5> Since the day I hired you, I've made it my sole mission
    To get you behind my desk, in an executive position.

 4> Roses are Red,
    Violets are Blue.
    Coffee, black.
    Now, dammit!

 3> I'm sorry your job leaves you bored and unhappy,
    I'd pay you more money if your work weren't so crappy.

 2> No prior experience, no quizzes, no tests.
    The truth is I hired you just for your... smile.

    and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Message
       in a "Secretaries Day" Card...

 1> Roses are pricey.  You eat like a horse.
    This two-dollar card was my only recourse.

Subj:     Who's In Charge? (S349)
          From: abey on 98-04-20

 One day the different parts of the body were having an
 argument to see which should be in charge:

 The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
 important and I should be in charge."

 The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
 know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should
 be in charge."

 The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
 anything up or move anything.  So I'm the most important
 and I should be in charge."

 The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for
 the rest of you.  Without me, we'd starve.  So I'm the
 most important and I should be in charge."

 The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
 anywhere.  So I'm the most important and I should be in

 Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."

 All the rest of the parts said:  "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 You don't do anything!  You're not as important as we
 surely are!  You can't be in charge."

 So the rectum closed up.  After a few days, the legs
 were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands
 were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain
 was all cloudy.

 They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this
 and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

 The moral of the story?
 You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.
 Just an Asshole.

Subj:     Blondie Comic Strip (S643)
          By Dennis Young and Denis Lebrun on 5/7/2009
 Source: http://blondie.com/todays_strip/
Drawing from Blondie.com
Subj:     Letter of Recommendation (S224)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #71 on 98-03-21
      and From: ICohen on 5/14/2001

 Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
 finishes given assignments on time.  Often Bob takes extended
 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
 coffee breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
 sent away as soon as possible.
 - TLP
 Project Leader
 - ----------------------------------------------------------
 [You may have smelled a rat by this time, but can you figure
 out what's really going on before reading the follow-up memo?]
 (Later that afternoon another memo was sent...)

 Memo to the Commissioner
 Subject: Letter of Recommendation

 Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder
 as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7...)
 for my true assessment of him.

 Project Leader

Subj:     Job Candidate Has A Facial Tick
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #45 on 98-02-16

 The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was
 interviewing people for a position in sales.  One candidate
 offered excellent references and experience and was well-
 dressed and well-spoken.  The only catch was a disconcerting
 mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

 So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all
 the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire
 you - but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put
 customers off."

 "I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate,
 "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a
 couple of aspirin.  See for yourself, I've got some on me."
 And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.

 The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of
 packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones,
 multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.

 "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He
 brandished two aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough,
 the tic went away in less than a minute.

 "So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly,
 gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all
 this stuff here?  I don't want my company to be represented
 by some wild womanizer, after all."

 "No fear. I'm a happily married man."

 "So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"

 "It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store,
 winking like crazy, and ask for a packet of aspirins?"

Subj:     The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S667b)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 10/17/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theflyingmccoys/2009/10/17
                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central