Subj: Job2 Jokes
(Includes 36 jokes and articles, 01981n,12,cf,wXT2,7)
AGAG Animation Gallery
Subj: Mother Goose And Grimm Cartoon (DU)
By Mike Peters on 3/11/2015
Richard Branson: Advice For Entrepreneurs
Made by BigThink.com
From: Wimp.com on 1/27/2013 (S838d)
Since Branson founded Virgin
in 1970, the company has
grown from a small record outlet to a global powerhouse.
Can the brand continue its success without him? Click
'HERE' to listen to Branson's advice to entrepreneurs.
Subj: Government Road Workers (S271, S481c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 and 4/7/2006
A guy stopped at a local gas
station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by
his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working
along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three
feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind
him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole,
the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men
worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the
man tossing the can into a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me
what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our
job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a
hole and the other fills it
up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister,"
one of the men said,
leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us:
me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig
the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts
the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't
mean that Leroy and me can't work."
Subj: The Drugstore Clerk (S262c)
From: thebartend on 2/7/2002
John was a clerk in a small drugstore
but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned
John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing
and he ask John for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a
box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The
customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing
and came over to ask John what
"He wanted something for his
cough but I couldn't find the
cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing
at the man leaning on
the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Mother Goose And Grimm Sunday Comic Strip (S613b)
by Mike Peters on 10/5/2008
You can read this cute comic
strip on our energy crisis
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Three Men Apply For CEO Job (S307b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/17/2002
A engineer, a physicist, and
a lawyer were being inter-
viewed for a position as chief executive officer of a
The engineer was interviewed
first, and was asked a long
list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
measurements and calculations before returning to the
board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed,
and was asked the
same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much
is two plus two?" Before answering the last question,
he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the
United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations,
he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last,
and again the final
question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew
all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if
anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening
devices, and finally whispered, "How much do you want it
Subj: New CEO Fires Slacker (S225, S803)
From: edbabcock on 10/20/2006
and From: tom on 5/28/2012
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling
it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young
man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600
in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and
don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself,
the CEO looked around
the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice
said, "Pizza delivery guy from
Why It's Better To Be The Boss! (S482b)
From: RFSlick on 3/19/2002 (in Other-Draw)
and From: darrell94590 on 4/20/2006
You can view this cute drawing by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Benefits Of Shopping Globally (S216, S465b)
From: scott_pryor on 3/20/2001
(See 'A Canadian Complains' in CANADA)
Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock
(made in Japan) for 6:00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in
China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made
in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka),
designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made
After cooking his breakfast in
his new electric skillet (made
in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico),
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India) he got
in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a
good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in
France), turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and
wondered why he couldn't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.
Subj: Worker Dead At Desk (S212)
From: gheckman on 2/9/2001
(Also see 'Dead Man Works For A Week' in Job-Stuff-Supp)
So sad that we can get so caught up in the rat race...
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury
(7th Jan 2001). Worker
dead at desk for 5 days Bosses of a publishing firm are
trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their
employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE
DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had
been employed as a proof-
reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack
in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until
Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was
still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said
"George was always the
first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night,
so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position
all that time and didn't say anything. He was always
absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed
that he had been dead
for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George
was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
Good story, but it is an Urban Legend. See the above source.
Dilbert Comic Strips (S611c)
by Scott Adams on 10/16/2008
to read five Dogbert comic strips on
how the CEO cheats, lies, and raises his stock's
value using his computer and other ruthless schemes.
Subj: Advertising Exec Died (S187)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/28/2000
Two advertising executives were
having lunch and talking. The
young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has
Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while."
The senior exec replied, "Haven't
you heard? Ben Harris went
to that great ad agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior
man, "You're kidding me,
right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the
elder exec. "A small tooth-
paste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing
much worth going after."
Subj: Business Signs
From: WSelwa on 09/17/1999
Instead of Astrological Signs,
how about these...
What's Your Business Sign?
1. MARKETING - You are ambitious
yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which
is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs,
often referred to as
"marketing without a degree." You are also self centered
and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to
take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control
anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control every-
thing that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't
understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only
two signs that actually studied
in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal
Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself;
your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other
sign that studied in school.
You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the
most feared person in the organization; combined with your
extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically,
given your access to confi-
dential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within
the organization. Possibly the only other person that does
less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then
mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
- Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number
of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social
circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above-Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright,
cheery, positive, you are a
fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any
specific knowledge, you use
acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience.
You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand
and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity
contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" -
As a "person" that profits
from the success of others, you are disdained by most people
who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO -
You are brilliant or lucky.
Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax
machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid
to take days off. Government
workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new
Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job,
thus the term "GO POSTAL".
Time Sheets (S93)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-13
Photo from LPI Racing...
You can read this long joke by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Corporate Lessons (S134, S797)
..........From: KMacinty on 8/24/99
and From: JBCARY1 on 3/8/2004
Bird Sings Inside Manure' in BIRDS)
and 'Organizational Theory' in MONKEY)
Lesson number one: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree,
doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why
not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be
sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson number two: The Turkey and the Bull (S797)
A turkey was chatting with a
bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit
might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.
number three: Who's The Boss (S349)
From: KMacintyre on 8/24/99 and 10/6/2003
This joke was moved to 'Who's In Charge?' in JOBS1
Subj: Ensuring Success In Job Placement: (S117)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99
What is a human resource? Does
your organization struggle
with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here
is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees
you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table
apart in that time, put them
If they are counting the butts
in the ashtray, assign them
If they are screaming and waving
their arms, send them
If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good
spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience,
send them to
If they don't even look up when
you enter the room,
assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's
not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
Unemployed Man w/Sign (S613b)
From: darrellvip on 10/8/2008
This photo, whether real or not,
is quite touching.
Click 'HERE' to view it.
Subj: You Know You Work In Corp America In The 90's If ... (S106)
From: ossama on 99-02-05
- You sat at the same desk for
4 years and
worked for three different companies
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
- You learn about your layoff on CNN
- Your biggest loss from a system
crash is that you lose
your best jokes
- Salaries of the members on
the Executive Board are higher
than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
- Communication is something your group is having problems with
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
- Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
- Art involves a white board
- You're already late on the assignment you just got
- Your relatives and family describe
your job as "works
- You read this entire list and understood it.
Subj: You Know You Work In Corp America II (S273d)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/25/2002
You work 200 hours for the $100
bonus check and jubilantly
say "Oh wow, thanks!".
Dilbert cartoons hang outside
every cube and are read by
your co-workers only.
Your boss' favorite lines are
"when you get a few minutes"
or "when you're freed up."
Other favorite lines of your
boss are "this isn't exactly
what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have
Vacation is something you rollover
to next year, or you try
to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because
otherwise will lose it, or you get a check for it every January.
Your relatives and family describe
your job as "works with
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize
your kids and friends is
because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You understood this entire list.
Subj: OSHA Bulletin (S398b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Funny Virus Alert (S133)
From: TA989287 on 8/20/99
There is a new virus going around,
called "work." If you
receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet
or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around
our building for months and
those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at
"work" have found that their social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via
email or are faced with any
"work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your
boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off
to the pub."
The "work" should automatically
be forgotten by your brain. If
you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the
document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your
hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and
order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times,
you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to
you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone
in your address book. If you do
NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work"
virus has already corrupted your life.
Subj: Mergers To Watch For In 06 (S103, S474c)
From: mbucher on 99-01-17
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're
going to make reproductive
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
Computers: New company:
Polygram Records, Warner Bros
and Keebler: New company will
be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush
Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and
Hale Business Systems: New company will be called
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M and Goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm and National
Organization of Women:
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco,
Zip Audi Do-Da
Netscape and Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo
FedEx is expected to join its
major competitor, UPS, and
Victoria's Secret and Smith ?
Wesson will merge under the
new name: Ti**y Ti**y Bang Bang
Subj: Dilbert Comic Strip II (S629b)
by Scott Adams on 1/28/2009
Subj: Rules For Work (S103)
From: dmswitzer on 99-01-18
1. Never give me work in the
morning. Always wait until
4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a
deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That
helps. Or even better, hover behind
me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks
where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to
function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms
is good training in case I should ever be injured and
lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no
life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my
name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost
done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I
am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I
especially like the story about having to pay so much
taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance
rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here
for the money anyway.
Subj: Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall (S96)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #273 on 98-11-21
George, Bob and Fred are working
on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, George falls off. He is killed instantaneously.
After the ambulance leaves with George's body, Bob and Fred
realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort
of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying
a six-pack of beer. "So
did you tell her?" asks Fred.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Fred, "you
just told her, her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Fred.
"Well," Bob continues, "when
she answered the door, I asked
her, 'are you George's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no,
you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you
a six-pack you ARE!'"
Subj: The Flying McCoys (S632c)
by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 2/11/2009
Subj: Clarification Of Corporate Lingo (S105)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #23 99-01-26
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told
the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes
is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE
VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER
OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Subj: Latest Terms In Office Vocabulary: (S94, S471c)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2006
* Assmosis - The process by which
some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
* Blamestorming - Sitting around
in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
* Seagull Manager - A manager
who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
* Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
* Salmon day - The experience
of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
* Chainsaw consultant - An outside
expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
* CLM - Career-limiting move
- Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she
is within earshot is a serious CLM.
* Depotphobia - Fear associated
with entering a Home Depot
because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia.
* Adminisphere - The rarefied
organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from
the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
* Dilberted - To be exploited
and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-
hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth
time this week."
* Flight Risk - Used to describe
employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.
* 404 - Someone who's clueless.
From the World Wide Web
error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the
requested document could not be located. "Don't
bother asking him...he's 404, man."
* Generica - Features of the
American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast
food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in
"We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city
we were in."
* Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting
buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.
* Ohnosecond - That minuscule
fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
* Percussive Maintenance - The
fine art of whacking the crap
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Prairie Dogging - When someone
yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles)
and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
* Telephone Number Salary -
A salary (or project budget)
that has seven digits.
* Umfriend - A sexual relation
of dubious standing or a
concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
* Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous
$20 bills spewed out
of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split
the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all
anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/23/2006
* CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
* MOUSE POTATO: The on-line,
wired generation's answer
to the couch potato.
* SITCOMs : Single Income, Two
Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
* STRESS PUPPY: A person who
seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.
* SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
* XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.
* IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment
and media spectacles that
are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not)
was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The
fine art of whacking the
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
* WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
* CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously
passing gas while passing
through a Cube Farm.
Working With Idiots Can Kill You
From: LABLaughs on 3/23/2006 (S479b)
Subj: Tickle-Me-Elmo Modification (S306)
From: auntieg on 98-12-24
and From: tnkr on 11/10/2002
A women desperately looking for
work goes into Erwin.
The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains
to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will
take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and
haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on
the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman
happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and
explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00
AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's
a knock at the Personal
Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager
comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed
up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested
he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the
line and sure enough Elmos
are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the
end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled
over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a
big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing
them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts
to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm
sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted
you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Subj: Dilbert's Laws Of Work (S50, S32)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #191 on 97-09-05
From: humorlist-digest V2 #7 on 98-01-07
(See 'Quotes From The Workplace' in QUOTES3)
If you can't get your work done
in the first 24 hours,
A pat on the back is only a few
centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you
can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do,
it only matters
what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will
have less money
at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you
are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and
carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing
in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving
they are never talking about themselves..
If at first you don't succeed,
try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans
rolling on the floor
of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting
or the beginning
of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work
it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain
no errors will
develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be
assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something
marginal when the
boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person
is inversely proportional
to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult
problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or
was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong.
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/16/2002 (S302b)
A mission statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence
that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one. -- From The Dilbert Principle, 1996
Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip (S906d)
By Garry Trudeau
From: WashingtonPost.com on 5/25/2014
This Doonesbury Sunday Comic
Strip deals with loosing
jobs to automation, nose hairs, and insomnia. Click
'HERE' to see this thoughtful comic strip.