Subj: Job2 Jokes
(Includes 35 jokes and articles, 31838,11,cf,md4,9)
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Subj: Job2 Jokes (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 31838,11,cf,md4,9) |
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Jackhammer Man from AGAG Animation Gallery |
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| Subj:
Richard Branson: Advice For Entrepreneurs
Made by BigThink.com From: Wimp.com on 1/27/2013 (S838d) |
 |
Since Branson founded Virgin
in 1970, the company has
grown from a small record outlet
to a global powerhouse.
Can the brand continue its success
without him? Click
on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to listen to
Branson's advice to entrepreneurs.
Top
Subj: Government
Road Workers (S271, S481c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 and 4/7/2006
A guy stopped at a local gas
station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought
a soft drink. He stood by
his car to drink his cola and
watched a couple of men working
along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole two or three
feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind
him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole,
the other was 25 feet behind
filling in the hole. The men
worked right past the guy with
the soft drink and went on
down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the
man tossing the can into a
trash container and heading
down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said
to the men. "Can you tell me
what's going on here with all
this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government
and we're just dong our
job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a
hole and the other fills it
up. You're not accomplishing
anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister,"
one of the men said,
leaning on his shovel and wiping
his brow.
"Normally there's three of us:
me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig
the hole, Elmer sticks in the
tree and Leroy, here, puts
the dirt back. Now just
because Elmer's sick, that don't
mean that Leroy and me can't
work."
Top
Subj: The
Drugstore Clerk (S262c)
From: thebartend on 2/7/2002
John was a clerk in a small drugstore
but he was not much
of a salesman. He could
never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner,
had had about enough and warned
John that the next sale he missed
would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing
and he ask John for their
best cough syrup. Try
as he might John could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a
box of Ex-Lax and told him to
take it all at once. The
customer did as John said and
then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing
and came over to ask John what
had transpired.
"He wanted something for his
cough but I couldn't find the
cough syrup. I substituted
Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing
at the man leaning on
the lamp post. "Look at
him. He's afraid to cough!"
 |
Subj:
Mother Goose And Grimm (S613b)
by MIKE PETERS From: Grimmy.com on 10/5/2008 |
You can read this cute comic
strip on our energy crisis
by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Three
Men Apply For CEO Job (S307b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/17/2002
A engineer, a physicist, and
a lawyer were being inter-
viewed for a position as chief
executive officer of a
large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed
first, and was asked a long
list of questions, ending with
"How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself,
and made a series of
measurements and calculations
before returning to the
board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed,
and was asked the
same questions. Again,
the last question was, "How much
is two plus two?" Before
answering the last question,
he excused himself, made for
the library, and did a
great deal of research.
After a consultation with the
United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations,
he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last,
and again the final
question was, "How much is two
plus two?" The lawyer drew
all the shades in the room,
looked outside to see if
anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening
devices, and finally whispered,
"How much do you want it
to be?"
Top
Subj: New
CEO Fires Slacker (S225, S803)
From: edbabcock on 10/20/2006
and
From: tom on 5/28/2012
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling
it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall. The room
was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make
a week?"
A little surprised, the young
man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes,
and handed the guy $1,600
in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and
don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself,
the CEO looked around
the room and asked, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice
said, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.”
| Subj:
Why It's Better To Be The Boss! (S482b)
From: RFSlick on 3/19/2002 (in Other-Draw) and From: darrell94590 on 4/20/2006 |
 |
You can view this cute drawing on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: The
Benefits Of Shopping Globally (S216, S465b)
From: scott_pryor on 3/20/2001
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/19/2005
(See 'A Canadian
Complains' in CANADA)
Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock
(made in Japan) for 6:00 a.m.
While his coffee pot (made in
China) was perking, he shaved
with his electric razor (made
in Hong Kong). He put on a dress
shirt (made in Sri Lanka),
designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and tennis shoes (made
in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in
his new electric skillet (made
in India), he sat down with
his calculator (made in Mexico),
to see how much he could spend
today. After setting his
watch (made in Taiwan), to the
radio (made in India) he got
in his car (made in Germany)
and continued his search for a
good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(made in Brazil), poured himself
a glass of wine (made in
France), turned on his TV (made
in Indonesia), and
wondered why he couldn't find
a good-paying job in AMERICA.
Top
Subj: Worker
Dead At Desk (S212)
From: gheckman on 2/9/2001
Source: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fivedays.asp
(Also see 'Dead
Man Works For A Week' in Job-Stuff-Supp)
So sad that we can get so caught up in the rat race...
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury
(7th
Jan 2001). Worker
dead at desk for 5 days Bosses
of a publishing firm are
trying to work out why no one
noticed that one of their
employees had been sitting dead
at his desk for FIVE
DAYS before anyone asked if
he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had
been employed as a proof-
reader at a New York firm for
30 years, had a heart attack
in the open-plan office he shared
with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday,
but nobody noticed until
Saturday morning when an office
cleaner asked why he was
still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said
"George was always the
first guy in each morning and
the last to leave at night,
so no one found it unusual that
he was in the same position
all that time and didn't
say anything. He was always
absorbed in his work and kept
much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed
that he had been dead
for five days after suffering
a coronary. Ironically, George
was proofreading manuscripts
of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
Good story, but it is an Urban Legend. See the above source.
 |
Subj:
Dilbert Comic Strips (S611c)
by Scott Adams From: Dilbert.com on 10/16/2008 |
Click 'HERE'
to read how Dogbert the CEO cheats, lies,
and raises his stock's value
using his computer and
other ruthless schemes.
Top
Subj: Advertising
Exec Died (S187)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/28/2000
Two advertising executives were
having lunch and talking. The
young exec trainee said to the
older, wiser man, "Where has
Ben Harris been hanging out?
I haven't seen him for a while."
The senior exec replied, "Haven't
you heard? Ben Harris went
to that great ad agency in the
sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior
man, "You're kidding me,
right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the
elder exec. "A small tooth-
paste account and a couple of
discount stores, but nothing
much worth going after."
Top
Subj: Business
Signs
From: WSelwa on 09/17/1999
Instead of Astrological Signs,
how about these...
What's Your Business Sign?
1. MARKETING - You are ambitious
yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking
and socializing which
is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs,
often referred to as
"marketing without a degree."
You are also self centered
and paranoid. Unless someone
calls you and begs you to
take their money, you like to
avoid contact with customers
so you can "concentrate on the
big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control
anything in your personal
life, you are instead content
to completely control every-
thing that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don't
understand what you are saying
but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall
inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only
two signs that actually studied
in school. It is said
that ninety percent of all Personal
Ads are placed by engineers.
You can be happy with yourself;
your office is full of all the
latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is
really causing your "carpal
tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other
sign that studied in school.
You are mostly immune from office
politics. You are the
most feared person in the organization;
combined with your
extreme organizational traits,
the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you
are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically,
given your access to confi-
dential information, you tend
to be the biggest gossip within
the organization. Possibly
the only other person that does
less work than marketing, you
are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get
a haircut, have lunch AND then
mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
- Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are
destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of
your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the number
of meetings you can schedule
for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers"
as everyone in you social
circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above-Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright,
cheery, positive, you are a
fifty cent cab ride from taking
your own life. As children
very few of you asked your parents
for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you
could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually
passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with
your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any
specific knowledge, you use
acronyms to avoid revealing
your utter lack of experience.
You have convinced yourself
that your "skills" are in demand
and that you could get a higher
paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat.
You will spend an eternity
contemplating these career opportunities
without ever taking
direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" -
As a "person" that profits
from the success of others,
you are disdained by most people
who actually work for a living.
Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your
ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly
with fluctuations in the stock
market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO -
You are brilliant or lucky.
Your inability to figure out
complex systems such as the fax
machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid
to take days off. Government
workers are genius inventors,
like the invention of new
Holidays. They usually
suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious
crimes while on the job,
thus the term "GO POSTAL".
| Subj:
Time Sheets (S93)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-13 Photo from
LPI
Racing...
|
 |
You can read this long joke by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Corporate
Lessons (S134, S797)
..........From:
KMacinty on 8/24/99
and
From: JBCARY1 on 3/8/2004
(See 'Blue Bird Sings Inside
Manure' in BIRDS)
and 'Organizational
Theory' in MONKEY)
Lesson number one: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree,
doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked
him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why
not." So, the rabbit sat
on the ground below the crow, and
rested. All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be
sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very
high up.
Lesson number two: The Turkey
and the Bull (S797)
A turkey was chatting with a
bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after
a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon
he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit
might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.
Subj: Lesson
number three: Who's The Boss (S349)
From: KMacintyre on 8/24/99 and 10/6/2003
This joke was moved to 'Who's In Charge?' in JOBS1
Top
Subj: Ensuring
Success In Job Placement: (S117)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99
What is a human resource? Does
your organization struggle
with the problem of properly
fitting people to jobs? Here
is a handy hint for ensuring
success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees
you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only
a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without
any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and
see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table
apart in that time, put them
in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts
in the ashtray, assign them
to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving
their arms, send them
to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good
spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience,
send them to
Technical Publications.
If they don't even look up when
you enter the room,
assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's
not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
 |
Subj:
Unemployed Man w/Sign (S613b)
From: darrellvip on 10/8/2008 |
This photo, whether real or not,
is quite touching.
Click 'HERE'
to view it.
Top
Subj: You
Know You Work In Corp America In The 90's If ... (S106)
From: ossama on 99-02-05
- You sat at the same desk for
4 years and
worked for three different
companies
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
- You learn about your layoff on CNN
- Your biggest loss from a system
crash is that you lose
your best jokes
- Salaries of the members on
the Executive Board are higher
than all the Third World
countries' annual budgets combined
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
- Communication is something your group is having problems with
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
- Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
- Art involves a white board
- You're already late on the assignment you just got
- Your relatives and family describe
your job as "works
with computers"
- You read this entire list and understood it.
Top
Subj: You
Know You Work In Corp America II (S273d)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/25/2002
You work 200 hours for the $100
bonus check and jubilantly
say "Oh wow, thanks!".
Dilbert cartoons hang outside
every cube and are read by
your co-workers only.
Your boss' favorite lines are
"when you get a few minutes"
or "when you're freed up."
Other favorite lines of your
boss are "this isn't exactly
what we need. It may be what
we asked for, but things have
changed."
Vacation is something you rollover
to next year, or you try
to use up three weeks between
Christmas and New Years because
otherwise will lose it, or you
get a check for it every January.
Your relatives and family describe
your job as "works with
computers."
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize
your kids and friends is
because their pictures are hanging
in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You understood this entire list.
Top
Subj: OSHA
Bulletin (S398b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/077.htm
 |
Top
Subj: Funny
Virus Alert (S133)
From: TA989287 on 8/20/99
There is a new virus going around,
called "work." If you
receive any sort of "work"
at all, whether via email, internet
or simply handed to you
by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around
our building for months and
those who have been tempted
to open "work" or even look at
"work" have found that their
social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via
email or are faced with any
"work" at all, then to purge
the virus, send an email to your
boss with the words "I've had
enough of your crap... I'm off
to the pub."
The "work" should automatically
be forgotten by your brain. If
you receive "work" in paper-document
form, simply lift the
document and drag the "work"
to your garbage can. Put on your
hat and coat and skip to the
nearest bar with two friends and
order three pints of beer. After
repeating this action 14 times,
you will find that "work" will
no longer be of any relevance to
you and that "Scooby Doo" was
the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone
in your address book. If you do
NOT have anyone in your address
book, then I'm afraid the "work"
virus has already corrupted
your life.
Top
Subj: Mergers
To Watch For In 06 (S103, S474c)
From: mbucher on 99-01-17
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're
going to make reproductive
organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
Computers: New company:
Fairwell Honeychild.
Polygram Records, Warner Bros
and Keebler: New company will
be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush
Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and
Hale Business Systems:
New company will be called
Hale Mary Fuller
Grace.
3M and Goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm and National
Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco,
Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da
Netscape and Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo
FedEx is expected to join its
major competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.
And finally
Victoria's Secret and Smith ?
Wesson will merge under the
new name: Ti**y
Ti**y Bang Bang
| Subj:
Dilbert Comic Strip II (S629b)
by Scott Adams From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/23/2009 |
 |
Click 'HERE' to read Dilbert's problems with being unemployed.
Top
Subj: Rules
For Work (S103)
From: dmswitzer on 99-01-18
1. Never give me work in the
morning. Always wait until
4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a
deadline
is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job,
run in and interrupt me
every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That
helps.
Or even better, hover behind
me, advising
me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling
anyone where you're going.
It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks
where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers,
boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to
function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms
is good training
in case I should ever be injured and
lose all
use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than
one job to do, don't tell me
which is
the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me
late. I adore this office and
really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no
life beyond
work.
7. If a job I do pleases you,
keep it a secret. If that
gets out,
it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work,
tell everyone. I like my
name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.
9. If you have special instructions
for a job, don't write
them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost
done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the
people you're with. I have no
right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I
am plankton.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when
the job I'm doing for you could
really change
your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.
12. Tell me all your little
problems. No one else has any
and it's
nice to know someone is less fortunate. I
especially
like the story about having to pay so much
taxes on
the bonus check you received for being such a
good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review
and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance
rating with
a cost of living increase. I'm not here
for the money
anyway.
Top
Subj: Worker
Dies In Scaffolding Fall (S96)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #273 on 98-11-21
George, Bob and Fred are working
on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, George falls off.
He is killed instantaneously.
After the ambulance leaves with
George's body, Bob and Fred
realize they'll have to inform
his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort
of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying
a six-pack of beer. "So
did you tell her?" asks Fred.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Fred, "you
just told her, her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Fred.
"Well," Bob continues, "when
she answered the door, I asked
her, 'are you George's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no,
you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you
a six-pack you ARE!'"
 |
Subj:
The Flying McCoys (S632c)
by Glenn and Gary McCoy From: GoComics.com on 2/11/2008 |
Click 'HERE' to read this caustic cartoon.
Top
Subj: Clarification
Of Corporate Lingo (S105)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #23 99-01-26
Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying
less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect
that you'll dress up;
well, a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss
you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless
(and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll
be told
the position has
been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call
for resumes
is just a legal
formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE
VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three
people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager,
without the pay
or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you
listen,
figure out what
they want and do it.
Employee's Lingo:
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER
OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND
DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE
INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about
all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job,
I'm outta there.
Top
Subj: Latest
Terms In Office Vocabulary: (S94, S471c)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2006
* Assmosis - The process by which
some people seem to absorb
success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
* Blamestorming - Sitting around
in a group discussing why a
deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
* Seagull Manager - A manager
who flies in, makes a lot of
noise,
shits over everything and then leaves.
* Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
* Salmon day - The experience
of spending an entire day
swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
* Chainsaw consultant - An outside
expert brought in to reduce
the
employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
* CLM - Career-limiting move
- Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she
is
within earshot is a serious CLM.
* Depotphobia - Fear associated
with entering a Home Depot
because
of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks
experience Shackophobia.
* Adminisphere - The rarefied
organizational layers beginning
just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from
the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant
to the problems they were designed to solve.
* Dilberted - To be exploited
and oppressed by your boss.
Derived
from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-
hell
comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
again.
The old man revised the specs for the fourth
time
this week."
* Flight Risk - Used to describe
employees who are suspected
of
planning to leave the company or department soon.
* 404 - Someone who's clueless.
From the World Wide Web
error
message "404 Not Found", meaning that the
requested
document could not be located. "Don't
bother
asking him...he's 404, man."
* Generica - Features of the
American landscape that are
exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast
food
joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in
"We
were so lost in generica that I forgot what city
we
were in."
* Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting
buildup of dirt and crud
found
on computer keyboards.
* Ohnosecond - That minuscule
fraction of time in which you
realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake.
* Percussive Maintenance - The
fine art of whacking the crap
out
of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Prairie Dogging - When someone
yells or drops something
loudly
in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles)
and
everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's
going on.
* Telephone Number Salary -
A salary (or project budget)
that has seven digits.
* Umfriend - A sexual relation
of dubious standing or a
concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."
* Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous
$20 bills spewed out
of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split
the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all
anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/23/2006
* CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
* MOUSE POTATO: The on-line,
wired generation's answer
to the couch potato.
* SITCOMs : Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
* STRESS PUPPY: A person who
seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.
* SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
extensive use.
* XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.
* IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment
and media spectacles that
are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not)
was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The
fine art of whacking the
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
* WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
* CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously
passing gas while passing
through a Cube Farm.
| Subj:
Working With Idiots Can Kill You
From: LABLaughs on 3/23/2006 (S479b) |
 |
To read this interesting article, click 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Tickle-Me-Elmo
Modification (S306)
From: auntieg on 98-12-24
and
From: tnkr on 11/10/2002
A women desperately looking for
work goes into Erwin.
The Personal Manager goes over
her resume and explains
to her that he regrets he has
nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really
needs work and will
take almost anything.
The Personal Manager hums and
haws and finally says he does
have a low skill job on
the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and
nothing else. The woman
happily excepts. He takes
her down to the line and
explains her duties and that
she should be in for 8:00
AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's
a knock at the Personal
Manager's door. The "Tickle
Me Elmo" line manager
comes in and starts ranting
about the woman just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes
about how badly backed
up the assembly line is the
Personal Manager suggested
he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the
line and sure enough Elmos
are backed up from here to kingdom
come. Right at the
end of the line is the woman
just hired, she has pulled
over a roll of the material
used for the Elmos and has a
big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little
piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sowing
them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts
to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of
rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the
new employee and says: "I'm
sorry I guess you misunderstood
me yesterday. What I wanted
you to do was give Elmo two
test tickles."
Top
Subj: Dilbert's
Laws Of Work (S50, S32)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #191 on 97-09-05
From: humorlist-digest V2 #7 on 98-01-07
(See 'Quotes
From The Workplace' in QUOTES3)
If you can't get your work done
in the first 24 hours,
work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few
centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you
can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do,
it only matters
what you say you've done and
what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will
have less money
at the end of the month than
you did before.
The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you
are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and
carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing
in the morning
and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving
productivity,
they are never talking about
themselves..
If at first you don't succeed,
try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about
it.
There will always be beer cans
rolling on the floor
of your car when the boss asks
for a ride home from
the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting
or the beginning
of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work
provided
it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain
no errors will
develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be
assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you
will get out of it.
You are always doing something
marginal when the
boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person
is inversely proportional
to the number of pens that person
is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult
problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or
was fired will be held
responsible for everything that
goes wrong.
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/16/2002 (S302b)
A mission statement is defined
as "a long awkward sentence
that demonstrates management's
inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
-- From The Dilbert Principle, 1996
 |
Subj:
Carlson Political Cartoon (S633b)
By Stuart Carlson From: WashingtonPost.com on 2/24/2009 |
This political cartoon discusses
our declining job
market. Click 'HERE'
to read this all too read cartoon.
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..Three
Smileys at Work from Smiley_Central.
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