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Subj:     Job2 Jokes
                 (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 01981n,12,cf,wXT2,7)

Jackhammer Man
from
AGAG Animation Gallery
Includes the following:  Mother Goose And Grimm Cartoon (DU)
.........................Richard Branson: Advice For Entrepreneurs - Video (S838)
.........................Government Road Workers (S271, S481c)
.........................The Drugstore Clerk (S262c)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm Sunday Comic Strip (S613b)
.........................Three Men Apply For CEO Job (S307b)
.........................New CEO Fires Slacker (S225, S803)
.........................Why It's Better To Be The Boss! - Drawing (S482b)
.........................The Benefits Of Shopping Globally (S216, S465b)
.........................Worker Dead At Desk (S212)
.........................5 Dilbert Comic Strips (S611c)
.........................Advertising Exec Died (S187)
.........................Business Signs
.........................Time Sheets - Web Page (S93)
.........................Corporate Lessons (S134, S797)
.........................Ensuring Success In Job Placement: (S117)
.........................Unemployed Man w/Sign - Photo (S613b)
.........................You Know You Work In Corp America In 90's If (S106)
.........................You Know You Work In Corp America II (S273d)
.........................OSHA Bulletin - Sign (S398b)
.........................Funny Virus Alert (S133)
.........................Mergers To Watch For In 06 (S103, S474c)
.........................Dilbert Comic Strip II (S629b)
.........................Rules For Work (S103)
.........................Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall (S96)
.........................The Flying McCoys - Cartoon (S632c)
.........................Clarification Of Corporate Lingo (S105)
.........................Latest Terms In Office Vocabulary: (S94, S471c)
.........................Working With Idiots Can Kill You - Newspaper Aerticle (S479b)
.........................Tickle-Me-Elmo Modification (S306)
.........................Dilbert's Laws Of Work (S32, S50)
.........................Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip (S906)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm Cartoon (DU)
          By Mike Peters on 3/11/2015
Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
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Top
Subj:     Richard Branson: Advice For Entrepreneurs
          Made by BigThink.com
          From: Wimp.com on 1/27/2013 (S838d)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch_
..........popup?v=VH35Iz9veM0&vq=large
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/adviceentrepreneurs/

 Since Branson founded Virgin in 1970, the company has
 grown from a small record outlet to a global powerhouse.
 Can the brand continue its success without him?  Click
 'HERE' to listen to Branson's advice to entrepreneurs.

Top
Subj:     Government Road Workers (S271, S481c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 and 4/7/2006

 A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his
 tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.  He stood by
 his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working
 along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three
 feet deep and then move on.  The other man came along behind
 him and filled in the hole.  While one was digging a new hole,
 the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.  The men
 worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
 down the road.

 "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a
 trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
 "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.  "Can you tell me
 what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
 "Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our
 job," one of the men said.

 "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it
 up. You're not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting
 the taxpayers' money?"

 "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said,
 leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

 "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig
 the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts
 the dirt back.  Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't
 mean that Leroy and me can't work."

Top
Subj:     The Drugstore Clerk (S262c)
          From: thebartend on 2/7/2002

 John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much
 of a salesman.  He could never find the item the customer
 wanted.  Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned
 John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

 Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their
 best cough syrup.  Try as he might John could not find the
 cough syrup.  Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a
 box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.  The
 customer did as John said and then walked outside and
 leaned against a lamp post.

 Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what
 had transpired.

 "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the
 cough syrup.  I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it
 all at once," John explained.

 "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

 "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on
 the lamp post.  "Look at him.  He's afraid to cough!"

Top
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm Sunday Comic Strip (S613b)
          by Mike Peters on 10/5/2008
..........Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php

 You can read this cute comic strip on our energy crisis
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Three Men Apply For CEO Job (S307b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/17/2002

 A engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being inter-
 viewed for a position as chief executive officer of a
 large corporation.

 The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long
 list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
 The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
 measurements and calculations before returning to the
 board room and announcing, "Four."

 The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the
 same questions.  Again, the last question was, "How much
 is two plus two?"  Before answering the last question,
 he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
 great deal of research.  After a consultation with the
 United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations,
 he also announced, "Four."

 The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final
 question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew
 all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if
 anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening
 devices, and finally whispered, "How much do you want it
 to be?"

Top
Subj:     New CEO Fires Slacker (S225, S803)
          From: edbabcock on 10/20/2006
      and From: tom on 5/28/2012

 Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
 hired a new CEO.  The new boss was determined to rid the
 company of all slackers.

 On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
 against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted
 to let them know that he meant business.  He asked the guy,
 "How much money do you make a week?"

 A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
 "I make $400 a week. Why?"

 The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his
 office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600
 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.  Now GET OUT and
 don't come back."

 Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around
 the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
 goof-ball did here?"

 From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from
 Domino's."

Top
Subj:     Why It's Better To Be The Boss! (S482b)
          From: RFSlick on 3/19/2002 (in Other-Draw)
      and From: darrell94590 on 4/20/2006

 You can view this cute drawing by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     The Benefits Of Shopping Globally (S216, S465b)
          From: scott_pryor on 3/20/2001

 (See 'A Canadian Complains' in CANADA)

 Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock
 (made in Japan) for 6:00 a.m.  While his coffee pot (made in
 China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made
 in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka),
 designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made
 in Korea).

 After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made
 in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico),
 to see how much he could spend today.  After setting his
 watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India) he got
 in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a
 good-paying American job.

 At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
 Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
 (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in
 France), turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and
 wondered why he couldn't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.

Top
Subj:     Worker Dead At Desk (S212)
          From: gheckman on 2/9/2001
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fivedays.asp

 (Also see 'Dead Man Works For A Week' in Job-Stuff-Supp)

 So sad that we can get so caught up in the rat race...

 In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan  2001). Worker
 dead at desk for 5 days Bosses of a publishing firm are
 trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their
 employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE
 DAYS before anyone asked if  he was feeling okay.

 George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-
 reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack
 in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
 He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until
 Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was
 still working during the weekend.

 His boss Elliot Wachiaski said  "George was always the
 first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night,
 so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position
 all that time and  didn't say anything.  He was always
 absorbed in his work and kept much to  himself."

 A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead
 for five days after suffering a coronary.  Ironically, George
 was  proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

 You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

 Good story, but it is an Urban Legend.  See the above source.

Top
Subj:     Dilbert Comic Strips (S611c)
          by Scott Adams on 10/16/2008
 Source: http://dribibu.xs4all.nl/index.php/comics?pic=dilbert20130404

 Click 'HERE' to read five Dogbert comic strips on
 how the CEO cheats, lies, and raises his stock's
 value using his computer and other ruthless schemes.

Top
Subj:     Advertising Exec Died (S187)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/28/2000

 Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The
 young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has
 Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while."

 The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went
 to that great ad agency in the sky."

 "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me,
 right?  What did he have?"

 "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small tooth-
 paste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing
 much worth going after."

Top
Subj:     Business Signs
          From: WSelwa on 09/17/1999

 Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these...
 What's Your Business  Sign?

 1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid.  You chose a
 marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
 concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which
 is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
 Least compatible with Sales.

 2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as
 "marketing without a degree."  You are also self centered
 and paranoid.  Unless someone calls you and begs you to
 take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
 so you can "concentrate on the big picture."  You seek
 admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

 3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal
 life, you are instead content to completely control every-
 thing that happens at your workplace.  Often even YOU don't
 understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
 It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

 4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied
 in school.  It is said that ninety percent of all Personal
 Ads are placed by engineers.  You can be happy with yourself;
 your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
 However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
 tunnel syndrome."

 5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school.
 You are mostly immune from office politics.  You are the
 most feared person in the organization; combined with your
 extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
 concerning you say that you are completely insane.

 6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confi-
 dential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within
 the organization.  Possibly the only other person that does
 less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
 today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then
 mail a letter.

 7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet
 completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
 current job for the rest of your life.  Unable to make a
 single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number
 of meetings you can schedule for yourself.  Best suited to
 marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social
 circle is a "Middle Manager."

 8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above-Same sign, different title)

 9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
 fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life.  As children
 very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
 your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
 "Customer Service."  Continually passed over for promotions,
 your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

 10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use
 acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience.
 You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand
 and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
 organization in a heartbeat.  You will spend an eternity
 contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking
 direct action.

 11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits
 from the success of others, you are disdained by most people
 who actually work for a living.  Paid on commission and
 susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
 attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
 market.

 12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky.
 Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax
 machine suggest the latter.

 13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government
 workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new
 Holidays.  They usually suffer from deep depression or
 anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job,
 thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Top
Subj:     Time Sheets (S93)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-13
Photo from LPI Racing...

 You can read this long joke by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Corporate Lessons (S134, S797)
..........From: KMacinty on 8/24/99
      and From: JBCARY1 on 3/8/2004

 (See 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure' in BIRDS)
  and 'Organizational Theory' in MONKEY)

 Lesson number one: The Crow and the Rabbit

 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small
 rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
 and do nothing all day long?"  The crow answered: "Sure, why
 not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
 rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
 and ate it.

 Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing,
 you must be sitting very, very high up.


 Lesson number two: The Turkey and the Bull (S797)

 A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to
 get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
 got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
 droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."
 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
 gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
 The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
 branch.  Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
 at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
 who shot the turkey out of the tree.

 Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
 but it won't keep you there.

Subj:     Lesson number three: Who's The Boss (S349)
          From: KMacintyre on 8/24/99 and 10/6/2003

 This joke was moved to 'Who's In Charge?' in JOBS1

Top
Subj:     Ensuring Success In Job Placement: (S117)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99

 What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle
 with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs?  Here
 is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:

 Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
 put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.  Leave
 them alone for two hours, without any instruction.  At the
 end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

 If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them
 in Engineering.

 If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them
 to Finance.

 If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them
 to Manufacturing.

 If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good
 spot for them.

 If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

 If they are writing up the experience, send them to
 Technical Publications.

 If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
 assign them to Security.

 If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
 send them to Marketing.

 And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

Top
Subj:     Unemployed Man w/Sign (S613b)
          From: darrellvip on 10/8/2008

 This photo, whether real or not, is quite touching.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     You Know You Work In Corp America In The 90's If ... (S106)
          From: ossama on 99-02-05

 - You sat at the same desk for 4 years and
   worked for three different companies

 - Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

 - Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

 - Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

 - When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

 - You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

 - You learn about your layoff on CNN

 - Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose
   your best jokes

 - Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher
   than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined

 - You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

 - Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

 - Communication is something your group is having problems with

 - You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

 - Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

 - Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital

 - Art involves a white board

 - You're already late on the assignment you just got

 - Your relatives and family describe your job as "works
   with computers"

 - You read this entire list and understood it.

Top
Subj:     You Know You Work In Corp America II (S273d)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/25/2002

 You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly
 say "Oh wow, thanks!".

 Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by
 your co-workers only.

 Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes"
 or "when you're freed up."

 Other favorite lines of your boss are "this isn't exactly
 what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have
 changed."

 Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try
 to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because
 otherwise will lose it, or you get a check for it every January.

 Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
 computers."

 Change is the norm.

 Nepotism is encouraged.

 The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is
 because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

 You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

 You understood this entire list.

Top
Subj:     OSHA Bulletin (S398b)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Funny Virus Alert (S133)
          From: TA989287 on 8/20/99

 There is a new virus going around, called "work."   If you
 receive any  sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet
 or simply handed to you  by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

 This has been circulating around our building for months and
 those who  have been tempted to open "work" or even look at
 "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their
 brain ceases to function properly.

 If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any
 "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your
 boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap...  I'm off
 to the pub."

 The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If
 you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the
 document and drag the "work" to your garbage can.  Put on your
 hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and
 order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times,
 you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to
 you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

 Send this message to everyone in your address book.  If you do
 NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work"
 virus has already corrupted your life.

Top
Subj:     Mergers To Watch For In 06 (S103, S474c)
          From: mbucher on 99-01-17

 Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive
    organs.

 Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company:
    Fairwell Honeychild.

 Polygram Records, Warner Bros and Keebler: New company will
    be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

 W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and
    Hale Business Systems: New company will be called
    Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

 3M and Goodyear: mmmGood

 John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

 Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

 Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine

 3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera

 Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants

 Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization of Women:
    Knott NOW!

 Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
    Zip Audi Do-Da

 Netscape and Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo

 FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
    become: FedUP.

 And finally

 Victoria's Secret and Smith ? Wesson will merge under the
    new name: Ti**y Ti**y Bang Bang

Top
Subj:     Dilbert Comic Strip II (S629b)
          by Scott Adams on 1/28/2009
 Source: http://dribibu.xs4all.nl/index.php/comics?pic=dilbert20090128
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Top
Subj:     Rules For Work (S103)
          From: dmswitzer on 99-01-18

  1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until
     4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a
     deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
     every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That
     helps.  Or even better, hover behind
     me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
     It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks
     where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
     don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to
     function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms
     is good training in case I should ever be injured and
     lose all use of my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
     which is the priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
     really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no
     life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that
     gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my
     name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be
     whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
     them down.  In fact, save them until the job is almost
     done.  No use confusing me with useful information.
 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
     right to know anything. In the corporate food  chain, I
     am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd
     deductions will identify them.
 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
     really change your life and send you straight to manager's
     hell.
 12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any
     and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I
     especially like the story about having to pay so much
     taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a
     good manager.
 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
     goals SHOULD have been.  Give me a mediocre performance
     rating with a cost of living increase.  I'm not here
     for the money anyway.

Top
Subj:     Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall (S96)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #273 on 98-11-21

 George, Bob and Fred are working on a very high scaffolding.
 Suddenly, George falls off.  He is killed instantaneously.
 After the ambulance leaves with George's body, Bob and Fred
 realize they'll have to inform his wife.

 Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
 volunteers to do the job.

 After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So
 did you tell her?" asks Fred.

 "Yep", replies Bob.

 "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

 Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

 "WHAT??" exclaims Fred, "you just told her, her husband died
 and she gave you a six-pack??"

 "Sure," Bob says.

 "WHY?" asks Fred.

 "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked
 her, 'are you George's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no,
 you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you
 a six-pack you ARE!'"

Top
Subj:     The Flying McCoys (S632c)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 2/11/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theflyingmccoys/2009/02/11
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Top
Subj:     Clarification Of Corporate Lingo (S105)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #23 99-01-26

 Employer's Lingo:

 "COMPETITIVE SALARY"
 We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

 "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
 We have no time to train you.

 "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
 We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
    well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
 You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

 "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
 Some time each night and some time each weekend.

 "DUTIES WILL VARY"
 Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
 We have no quality control.

 "CAREER-MINDED"
 Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

 "APPLY IN PERSON"
 If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told
    the position has been filled.

 "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
 We've filled the job; our call for resumes
    is just a legal formality.

 "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
 You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

 "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
 You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

 "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
 You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
    without the pay or respect.

 "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
 Management communicates, you listen,
    figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo:

 "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
 I've used Microsoft Office.

 "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
 I pilfer office supplies.

 "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
 I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

 "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
 I blame others for my mistakes.

 "I'M PERSONABLE"
 I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

 "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
 I carry a Day-Timer.

 "I AM ADAPTABLE"
 I've changed jobs a lot.

 "I AM ON THE GO"
 I'm never at my desk.

 "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
 The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Top
Subj:     Latest Terms In Office Vocabulary: (S94, S471c)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2006

 * Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb
      success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

 * Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
      deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
      responsible.

 * Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
      noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

 * Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.

 * Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day
      swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 * Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
      the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

 * CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe
      ill-advised activity.  Trashing your boss while he or she
      is within earshot is a serious CLM.

 * Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot
      because of how much money one might spend.  Electronics
      geeks experience Shackophobia.

 * Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
      just above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from
      the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
      irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 * Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
      Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-
      hell comic strip character.  "I've been dilberted
      again.  The old man revised the specs for the fourth
      time this week."

 * Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
      of planning to leave the company or department soon.

 * 404 - Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web
      error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the
      requested document could not be located.  "Don't
      bother asking him...he's 404, man."

 * Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
      exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast
      food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions.  Used as in
      "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city
      we were in."

 * Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
      found on computer keyboards.

 * Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
      realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

 * Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap
      out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 * Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
      loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles)
      and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see
      what's going on.

  * Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget)
       that has seven digits.

  * Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a
       concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
       my...um...friend."

  * Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out
       of ATMs everywhere.  Often used when trying to split
       the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all
       anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/23/2006

  * CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

  * MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer
       to the couch potato.

  * SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
       Mortgage.  What Yuppies turn into when they have
       children and one of them stops working to stay
       home with the kids.

  * STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being
       stressed out and whiny.

  * SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered
       useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
       extensive use.

  * XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies
       from one's workplace.

  * IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that
       are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
       watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not)
       was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

  * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the
       crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
       again.

  * WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

  * CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing
       through a Cube Farm.

Top
Subj:     Working With Idiots Can Kill You
          From: LABLaughs on 3/23/2006 (S479b)
 To read this interesting article, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Tickle-Me-Elmo Modification (S306)
          From: auntieg on 98-12-24
      and From: tnkr on 11/10/2002

 A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin.
 The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains
 to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
 The woman answers that she really needs work and will
 take almost anything.  The Personal Manager hums and
 haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on
 the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.  The woman
 happily excepts.  He takes her down to the line and
 explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00
 AM the next day.

 The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal
 Manager's door.  The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager
 comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.
 After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed
 up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested
 he show him the problem.

 Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos
 are backed up from here to kingdom come.  Right at the
 end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled
 over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a
 big bag of marbles.  They both watch as she cuts a little
 piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing
 them between Elmo's legs.

 The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and
 finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
 together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm
 sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  What I wanted
 you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Top
Subj:     Dilbert's Laws Of Work (S50, S32)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #191 on 97-09-05
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #7 on 98-01-07

 (See 'Quotes From The Workplace' in QUOTES3)

 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours,
 work nights.

 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
 in the butt.

 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you
 can't be promoted.

 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters
 what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

 After any salary raise, you will have less money
 at the end of the month than you did before.

 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you
 are going to get.

 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and
 carry a clipboard.

 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning
 and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

 When the bosses talk about improving productivity,
 they are never talking about themselves..

 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
 No use being a damn fool about it.

 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor
 of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from
 the office.

 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning
 of a cocktail hour.

 To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

 Anyone can do any amount of work provided
 it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

 Important letters that contain no errors will
 develop errors in the mail.

 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
 If you are really good, you will get out of it.

 You are always doing something marginal when the
 boss drops by your desk.

 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional
 to the number of pens that person is carrying.

 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

 Following the rules will not get the job done.

 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

 When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
 Ranger handle this?"

 No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

 The last person that quit or was fired will be held
 responsible for everything that goes wrong.

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/16/2002 (S302b)
 A mission statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence
 that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
 All good companies have one.  -- From The Dilbert Principle, 1996

Top
Subj:     Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip (S906d)
          By Garry Trudeau
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 5/25/2014
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/doonesbury/2014/05/25

 This Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip deals with loosing
 jobs to automation, nose hairs, and insomnia.  Click
 'HERE' to see this thoughtful comic strip.
 

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