Subj: Job3 Jokes
(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 01981,7,cf,vYT2,5)
Click "Here" for Jobs-Supp
Big Shoes to Fill from
Subj: Carlson Political Cartoon (S633b)
By Stuart Carlson on 2/23/2009
Subj: Woman Returns Toaster (S157, S477)
From: collins2 on 01/30/2000
and From: thebartend on 3/7/2006
A woman goes into Wal-Mart and
tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because
she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws
her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my
breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to
do, went to get the store
manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he
can help her. She explains that she would like a refund
because the toaster she bought doesn't work.
He replies by telling her that
he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman
throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab
my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?"
The woman replies "Because I
like to have my breasts
grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
Virtual Work (S550b, S803dwmv)
From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007
Subj: New Manager And Three Envelopes (S177, S444b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/21/00 and 7/21/2005
A new manager spends a week at
his new office with the manager
he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells
him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.
Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there
is a major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his
predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside
says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the
About half a year later, the
company is experiencing a dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager
quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next
crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Subj: Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (S221)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 4/21/2001
The top 10 reasons to go to work naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also
came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after
they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from
looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person
in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation
to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked.
1. Your boss will never say,
"I wanna see your ass in here
by 8:00!" ever again....
Work Policy (S217)
From: flovilla on 3/24/2001
Cartoon from SwapMeetDave.com
The article 'Work Policy' is
so long that I made it a
seperate file. You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Why I Got Fired........ (S197, S446b)
From: tadams96 on 11/10/2000
and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/6/2005
My first job was working in an
orange juice factory, but I
got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as
a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited
for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef --
figured it would add a little
spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a
deli worker, but any way I
sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I
I studied a long time to become
a doctor, but I didn't have
Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working
for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding
giraffes but I was fired because
I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium
they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician
interesting, but the work
After many years of trying to
find steady work I finally got a
job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit
because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Subj: Forced Retirement Of Older Employees (S182, S365)
From: gheckman on 7/27/00
and From: Imogenelumen on 1/25/2004
(See 'Job S.H.I.T.' in JOBS-SUPP)
As a result of the reduction
of money budgeted for department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people
who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out
older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This
program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will
be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company. A SLAPPED employee can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
An employee who has been SLAPPED
or SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new
policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above
procedures, he will be entitled
to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless
he already has AIDS(Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who
has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to
train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company
in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Subj: Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S981)
By Wiley Miller on 9/20/2015
........Click 'HERE' to see this full Sunday comic strip.
Subj: Job Interviews (S233b)
..........From: flovilla on 7/13/2001
(See 'Job Interview' in COLLEGE-GRAD)
We've all been interviewed for
jobs. And, we've all spent
most of those interviews thinking about what not to do.
Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt.
Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd
disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants
go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel
executives of l00 major American corporations and asked
for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
l. ".....stretched out
on the floor to fill out the
2. "She wore a Walkman
and said she could listen to
me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate
abruptly excused himself.
Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing
4. ".....asked to see
interviewer's resume to see if
the personnel executive was qualified to judge
5. "...announced she hadn't
had lunch and proceeded
to eat a hamburger and french fries in the
interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her
6. "Stated that, if he
were hired, he would demonstrate
his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on
7. "Interrupted to phone
his therapist for advice on
answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about
his hobbies, he stood up
and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the
interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a
brush, brushed his hair, and left."
l0. "....pulled out a Polaroid
camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone
who interviewed him."
ll. "Said he wasn't interested
because the position paid
l2. "While I was on a long-distance
phone call, the
applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked
through the photos only, stopped longest at the
l3. "During the interview, an
alarm clock went off from
the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it
off, apologized and said he had to leave for another
l4. "A telephone call came in
for the job applicant. It
was from his wife. His side of the conversation went
like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's
the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested
in conducting the interview any further." He promptly
responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I
didn't hire him, but later found out there was no
other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
l5. "His attache (case) opened
when he picked it up and the
contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and
assorted makeup and perfume."
l6. "Candidate said he really
didn't want to get a job,
but the unemployment office needed proof that he was
looking for one."
l7. "....asked who the lovely
babe was, pointing to the
picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he
asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number.
I called security."
l8. "Pointing to a black case
he carried into my office,
he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go
off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would
never be hired and that I was going to call the police.
He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new
Subj: Resumes And Cover Letters (S290)
From: janeenmarie on 8/21/2002
These are taken from real Resumes
and Cover Letters, and
were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect
6.0 computor and
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am
not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please
feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I
possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should
try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my
three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction
Subj: Typical Work Week (S407)
From: DafterLafter on 11/04/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Resume Bloopers (S257b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/28/2001
These are from actual resumes:
"I'm married with 9 children. I don't require
"I am extremely loyal to my present
firm, so please
don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary
history. I've made
money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor.
I prefer being rich."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken
promises and lies, as
well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until
she decided to move."
"While I am open to the initial
nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed here-
tofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of
financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS ? JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because
I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
Subj: Job Evaluations (S169, S540b)
From: collins2 on 4/22/00
and From: AFine963 on 5/18/2007
Great lines from job evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change
whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts,
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
Subj: Excuses For Job Termination: Snow White And the 7 Dwarfs (S165)
By Jim Gum, who works for the main office in Colorado
of Young Life, a national Christian youth ministry
From: smiles on 3/13/00
Every month we get a Human Resouces
report on terminations. When
they are asked to put a reason why they were terminated, the
reasons vary from resigned, got a better job, getting married,
moving, sexual misconduct, etc. What I've found is that there
isn't a standard list. So, I decided to come up with one based
on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
In order to standardize our Human
Resources forms we now use just
seven reasons for termination:
Happy: Had trouble putting nose
to the grindstone. Too much time
spent telling jokes at the water cooler.
Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.
Grumpy: Poor attitude toward
work. Not a team player. Trouble
with early mornings.
Dopey: Made several critical
errors at work costing the company
money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.
Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness
has made it difficult for the
employee to complete work in a timely fashion.
Bashful: Lack of initiative.
Not willing to make cold calls. Too
often let workplace disagreements simmer.
Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with
Snow White: Sexual misconduct,
e.g., kissing strange men while
under some kind of trance.
Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be
cooped up in the office all day.
Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.
Subj: Boss w/No Ears Needs New Employee (S164)
From: RFSlick on 3/18/00
(Also see 'Having No Ears' in EYES and EARS)
John, who was born without ears,
needed to hire a new manager.
He had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, John
asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply.
John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with
a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question: "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no
ears." John again got upset and
tossed her out.
The third and final interviewee
was the best of the bunch. He
was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart.
He was handsome. He seemed to be a better businessman that the
first two put together.
John was anxious, but went ahead
and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young
man answered, "Yes. You wear
John was shocked and realized
this was an incredibly observant
person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair
laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears !"
Subj: Coping With Stress (S160)
From: KMacinty on 01/18/2000
Last week I went to a seminar
called *Stress and Disease by
Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an
example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like
to share with you.
When you have had one of
those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT
days, try this.
On your way home after work,
stop at your pharmacy and go to
the section where they have thermometers. You will need to
purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure
that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not
be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing,
such as a sweat suit and
lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the ther-
mometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on
the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
as you read it you will notice in small print the statement
that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
Now close your eyes and say out
loud five times, "I am so
glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip
Subj: Bill Gates' Message on Life (S153, S684)
From: RFSlick on 01/01/2000 and 8/25/2003
and From: tom on 2/22/2010
(Also see '12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School' in SCHOOL2)
Of No Rights' in POLITICAL1
and 'Bill Gates' Message Is Not Bill's' in JOBS3)
This list was NOT written by
Bill Gates. It is the work of
Charles J. Sykes, in his 2007 book 50 Rules Kids Won't Learn
School. But it still is a great message on life.
RULE 1......Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2......The world won't care
about your self-esteem. The
world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3......You will NOT make
40 thousand dollars a year right
out of high school. You won't be a vice president
with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4......If you think your
teacher is tough, wait till you get
a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5......Flipping burgers
is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping;
they called it opportunity.
RULE 6......If you mess up, it's
not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7......Before you were born,
your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your
bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk
about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parents' generation,
try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8......Your school may have
done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you
want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9......Life is not divided
into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10.....Television is NOT
real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11.....Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working
Subj: Bill Gates' Message Is Not Bill's (S343, S684)
Researching this on snopes.com
yielded the following at
This list is the work of Charles
J. Sykes, in his 2007 book
50 Rules Kids Won't Learn School. Many versions of this
list omit the last three rules:
Rule No. 12: Smoking
does not make you look cool. It makes
you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-
year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like
to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple
hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You
are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you
are under the impression that living fast, dying young and
leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't
seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy
this while you can. Sure parents are a
pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday
you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you
should start now. You're welcome.
Subj: Pack It In! Happy New Year! (S151)
From: Anaise on 12/20/1999
Pack It In!
By Geoff Nunberg
Language Commentary, "Fresh Air,"
December 20, 1999
Before we start on the carousin'
On the eve of year two thousan',
Let's clean out our linguistic closets
Of their detritus and deposits,
The babble, balderdash, and bugs
That rankle underneath the rugs
With solecisms, slang, and slag,
And sweep it all into a bag.
Then, as the afternoon gets late,
Let's gather on the Golden Gate,
And with one stroke, bold and defiant,
Make English Y2K compliant.
Let's clear out our congested
Of business cant and corporate argot.
We'll ditch proactive for a starter,
And "We don't work harder, just work smarter"
Lose sight of visions, goals
And pitch out value propositions.
Synergistic or synergetic? --
Either one gives me a headache,
And the concept of convergence
Is in need of some submergence.
Consign restructure to the void,
And downsize should be redeployed.
At least, the next time we get
We'll know exactly where we stand.
Let's lose "win-win," that favorite phrase
Of all the Harvard MBA's,
And cast on the outgoing tide
The box they like to think outside,
In hopes that in the coming age,
We'll all be on a different page.
It wasn't very long ago
The Internet was comme il faut,
And only the most avant-garde
Had @-signs on their business card.
But now that even aunt Estelle
Has got herself a url,
And Vinnie at the barber shop
Made millions on his first-day pop,
We've reached the point where
Is starting to sound so last weekish.
Emoticon and digerati
Aren't worth a wooden zloty.
To portal we can give the gate,
Mindshare will do for tuna bait,
And since you asked, IMHO,
Those email acronyms should go.
And ere the sun sets, let us
Newbie, netiquette, and netizen,
Nor should we miss this opportunity
To deep-six "virtual community,"
e-this, i-that, and without qualm,
Let's unplug everything.com.
On literary critics' patois
I think we must declare a fatwah;
It's hard to part with hegemonic,
But in the end you'll find it tonic.
Think how much groovier texts are rendered
When they're just sexed instead of gendered,
And curling up at bedtime, who
To be holding something nuanced?
Of that chic expression "pomo,"
I'd just as soon that we heard no mo',
Nor any others of the host
Of vocables prefixed with post-.
We seem to be, for all our fears,
Still modern after all these years.
I'm sure that ages hence will
If we stop cooking up new genres,
Let's spare the coming centuries
Prequels and rockumentaries,
And pause not even for a comma
Before discarding "docudrama."
And ere the clock chimes, let us vow
That critics twenty years from now
Will earn themselves an instant
Whenever they use "taut" or "edgy."
Before we can put on our nightcaps,
We've other words to feed the whitecaps:
Let's leave off calling rumors
And blow off anyone who does.
"Wake up call" has gotten thin --
Next year we'll all be sleeping in.
And anything you feel like sharing
Kindly offer to the herring.
And as we're chucking out the dross,
Make sure we don't neglect to toss
Those interjections, coy and
Like "Let's not go there," and "whatever!"
(And while we're at it, do I gotta
Even mention "yadda yadda"?)
Arrivederci to "ExCUSE me";
You simply no longer amuse me.
Farewell to "Duh!," and, apropos,
Let's say buh-bye now to "hellO?"
Now as we watch the century go
There's only one more thing to throw out:
Let's cast onto the coastal shelf
The word millennium itself
(I'm glad to bid that one adieu
The fact is that I never knew
If it should have one n or two.)
And as night falls on the Presidio,
Let's all go home and watch a video,
To pass the century's final hour
(That is, assuming we've got power).
-- From freshair.com
Subj: Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed (S140)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/07/1999
(Also see 'Whose Father Is Fastest?' in KIDS2)
Three boys are in the schoolyard
bragging of how great their
fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the
fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you,
he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You
think that's fast! My father is
a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the
other two and shakes his head. He
then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a
civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
Subj: Short Job Jokes
Worker's Favorite Sports (S106, S568)
From: ipkis on 97-10-11
To view this cute web page, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Short Human Relationship Training (S265b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/24/2002
Here you have the shorter Human Relationship training
for anybody. Just need to practice this:
6 most important words:
I admit I made a mistake.
5 most important words:
You've made a great job.
4 most important words:
What do you think?.
3 most important words:
Do you mind if...
2 most important words:
...and the MOST important word of all:
Subj: Boss And Secretary On A Train (S253)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/2/2001
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They
are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has
the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a
little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says
how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The
secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of
bed. Then he replies, "Good, then you can get your own
Subj: Security Bulletin (S248)
From: coreymac on 10/30/2001
Building Security has notified us that there have been 4
suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of
the four have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and
Bin Drinkin have been taken
into custody. Security advised us that they could find
no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member,
Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone
who looks like he's Bin
Workin will be very easy to spot.
Subj: Confused Owner Seeks Math Help (S247, S641a)
From: drribeiro on 10/26/2001
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/21/2009
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about
paying an invoice, he decided to ask his secretary for
some mathematical help. He called her into his office
and said "You graduated from the University of Florida.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment,
then replied, "Everything
but my earrings."
The Shredder (S162, S803)
From: KMacinty on 2/28/00
..........Source: (Removed from careerdfw.org)
Subj: Bank President Explains Success (S152)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 12/29/1999
"Sir, what is the secret of your success?" a reporter
asked a bank president.
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"And,sir, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
Subj: Woman Asks About A Job (S147)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/25/1999
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting
someone to wait on me?" she asked.
Subj: The Aim Of Every Employee (S133)
From: smiles on 8/17/99
It should be the aim of every good employee
To keep an eye open to problems that may arise,
To consider what must be done,
And to take whatever action is necessary
To prevent or correct these problems.
But, when you are up to your
Ass in alligators,
It's hard to remember that you are there to
Drain the swamp.
Subj: Secretary Tells Boss Bad News (S127)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/3/99
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid
I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give
me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're
Subj: Life After Death (S227)
From: RFSlick on 98-05-20
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one
of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
Subj: Office Prayer: (S86)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #216 on 98-09-13
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.