>>>
Subj:     Job3 Jokes
                 (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 01981,7,cf,vYT2,5)
 

          Click "Here" for Jobs-Supp


Big Shoes to Fill from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  ABC News - The All American Home - Video (S783)
.........................Selling Assholes (S722 in Supp)
.........................The Monkey Market (S610 - in Supp)
.........................Hung Chow Too Sick To Work (S336 in Supp)
.........................Door-To-Door Vacuum Salesman (S276b in Supp)
.........................Eddie Obeng Motivational Business Speaker - Vids (S823-Sup)
.........................Office Hacky Sack - Video (S610 in Supp)
.........................Whom to Lay Off?? (S619b in Supp)
.........................Picking A New CEO (S538c in Supp)
.........................Job Marker 2009 - Video (S584b in Supp)
.........................Coming To Work Late (S537 in Supp)
.........................Differences Between You and Your Boss (S490b in Supp)
.........................Flowchart For Problem Resolution (S387 in Supp)
.........................Tater People (S317b in Supp)
.........................You Know It's Your Last Day At Work (S314b in Supp)
.........................The Simple Truths of Service -Vodep (S564b in Supp)
.........................Job S.H.I.T. (S287 - in Supp)
.........................CEOs Make a Break For Border (S286c in Supp)
.........................Calling Employees By Name (S276c in Supp)
.........................
.........................Carlson Political Cartoon (S633b)
.........................Woman Returns Toaster (S157, S477)
.........................Virtual Work WMV Video (S550b, S803)
.........................New Manager And Three Envelopes (S177, S444b)
.........................Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (S221)
.........................Work Policy - Web Page (S217)
.........................Why I Got Fired........ (S197, S446b)
.........................Forced Retirement Of Older Employees (S182, S365)
.........................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S981)
.........................Job Interviews (S233b)
.........................Resumes And Cover Letters (S290)
.........................Typical Work Week - Cartoon (S407)
.........................Resume Bloopers (S257b)
.........................Job Evaluations (S169, S540b)
.........................Excuses For Job Termination: Snow White And
............................the 7 Dwarfs (S165)
.........................Boss w/No Ears Needs New Employee (S164)
.........................Coping With Stress (S160)
.........................Bill Gates' Message on Life (S153, S343)
.........................Bill Gates' Message Is Not Bill's (S343, S684)
.........................Pack It In! Happy New Year! (S151)
.........................Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed (S140)
                         Short Job Jokes
..............................Dilbert Sunday Comic Strip (S781 in Supp)
..............................Hagar Comic Strip (S733 in Supp)
..............................What's Your Name? (S684b in Supp)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S656b in Supp)
..............................Store Clerk Makes A Mistake (S288)
..............................Six Phases Of Working - GIF (S649 in Supp)
..............................Day Off To Help The Wife (S270e - in Supp)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip II (S919 in Supp)
..............................Definition-Mission Statement (S347b - in Supp)
..............................How Big Is Wal-Mart (S620b in Supp)
..............................Four People To Do One Job (S305b in Supp)
..............................Employee Of The Month (S501c in Supp)
..............................Committees (S433 - in Supp)
..............................Not Burger King (S447b in Supp)
..............................
..............................Worker's Favorite Sports (S106, S568)
..............................Variations On Murphy's Law (S158)
..............................Short Human Relationship Training (S265b)
..............................Boss And Secretary On A Train (S253)
..............................Security Bulletin (S248)
..............................Confused Owner Seeks Math Help (S247, S641a)
..............................The Shredder (S162, S803)
..............................Bank President Explains Success (S152)
..............................Woman Asks About A Job (S147)
..............................The Aim Of Every Employee (S133)
..............................Secretary Tells Boss Bad News (S127)
..............................Life After Death (S227)
..............................Office Prayer: (S86)
..............................Real Short Job Jokes (in Supp)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Carlson Political Cartoon (S633b)
          By Stuart Carlson on 2/23/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/stuartcarlson/2009/02/23
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Top
Subj:     Woman Returns Toaster (S157, S477)
          From: collins2 on 01/30/2000
      and From: thebartend on 3/7/2006

 A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a
 refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
 The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because
 she bought it on special.  All of a sudden, the woman throws
 her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my
 breasts!  Grab my breasts!"

 The clerk, not knowing what to do, went to get the store
 manager.  The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he
 can help her.  She explains that she would like a refund
 because the toaster she bought doesn't work.

 He replies by telling her that he can't give her a refund
 because she bought it on special.  Once again, the woman
 throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab
 my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

 The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?"

 The woman replies "Because I like to have my breasts
 grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Top
Subj:     Virtual Work (S550b, S803dwmv)
          From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007
 Source: http://jokelibrary.net/occup
.........ations/b_to_l/jobs3-virtual.wmv
 This Intel commercial about virtual work is very cute.
 You can view this WMV video by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     New Manager And Three Envelopes (S177, S444b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/21/00 and 7/21/2005

 A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager
 he is replacing.  On the last day the departing manager tells
 him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.
 Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

 Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything
 goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
 threatened by it all.  He remembers the parting words of his
 predecessor and opens the first envelope.  The message inside
 says "Blame your predecessor!"  He does this and gets off the
 hook.

 About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in
 sales, combined with serious product problems.  The manager
 quickly opens the second envelope.  The message read,
 "Reorganize!"  This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

 Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third
 envelope.  The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (S221)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 4/21/2001

 The top 10 reasons to go to work naked

 10. No one ever steals your chair.
  9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
  8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also
        came to work drunk.
  7. People stop stealing your pens after
        they've seen where you keep them.
  6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
  5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from
        looking down your blouse.
  4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
  3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person
        in Human Resources.
  2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation
        to work on your tan.

 And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked.

  1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here
        by 8:00!" ever again....

Top
Subj:     Work Policy (S217)
          From: flovilla on 3/24/2001
Cartoon from SwapMeetDave.com

 The article 'Work Policy' is so long that I made it a
 seperate file.  You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Why I Got Fired........ (S197, S446b)
          From: tadams96 on 11/10/2000
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/6/2005

 My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
 got canned... couldn't concentrate.

 Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
 couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

 After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
 for it.  Mainly because it was a so-so job.

 Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

 I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

 Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little
 spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

 Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I
 sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

 My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I
 wasn't noteworthy.

 I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
 any patients.

 Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
 fit in.

 I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
 couldn't live on my net income.

 Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

 I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
 company, but the work was just too draining.

 I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because
 I wasn't up to it.

 So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but
 they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work
 was shocking.

 After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a
 job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

 My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit
 because it was always the same old grind.

 SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Top
Subj:     Forced Retirement Of Older Employees (S182, S365)
          From: gheckman on 7/27/00
      and From: Imogenelumen on 1/25/2004

 (See 'Job S.H.I.T.' in JOBS-SUPP)

 As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department
 areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
 Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
 retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people
 who represent our future.  Therefore, a program to phase out
 older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via
 retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.  This
 program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).

 Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
 for jobs outside the company.  A SLAPPED employee can request a
 review of their employment records before actual retirement
 takes place.  This phase of the operation is called SCREW
 (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

 An employee who has been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal
 with upper management.  This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
 Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new
 policy, an employee  may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
 may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

 If an employee follows the above procedures, he will be entitled
 to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
 Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless
 he already has AIDS(Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

 As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who
 has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
 by the company.  Management wishes to assure the younger employees
 who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to
 train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
 This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
 receive.  We have given our employees more SHIT than any company
 in this area.  If any employee feels they do not receive enough
 SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S981)
          By Wiley Miller on 9/20/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/09/20
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........Click 'HERE' to see this full Sunday comic strip.
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Top
Subj:     Job Interviews (S233b)
..........From: flovilla on 7/13/2001

 (See 'Job Interview' in COLLEGE-GRAD)

 We've all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we've all spent
 most of those interviews thinking about what not to do.
 Don't bite your nails.  Don't fidget.  Don't interrupt.
 Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd
 disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants
 go light years beyond this.  We surveyed top personnel
 executives of l00 major American corporations and asked
 for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

 The lowlights:

  l.  ".....stretched out on the floor to fill out the
      job application."

  2.  "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to
      me and the music at the same time."

  3.  "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself.
      Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing
      a hairpiece."

  4.  ".....asked to see interviewer's resume to see if
      the personnel executive was qualified to judge
      the candidate."

  5.  "...announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded
      to eat a hamburger and french fries in the
      interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her
      sleeve."

  6.  "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate
      his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on
      his forearm."

  7.  "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on
      answering specific interview questions."

  8.  "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up
      and started tap dancing around my office."

  9.  "At the end of the interview, while I stood there
      dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a
      brush, brushed his hair, and left."

 l0. "....pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
     picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone
     who interviewed him."

 ll. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid
     too much."

 l2. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the
     applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked
     through the photos only, stopped longest at the
     centerfold."

 l3. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from
     the candidate's brief case.  He took it out, shut it
     off, apologized and said he had to leave for another
     interview."

 l4. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It
     was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went
     like this:  "Which company? When do I start?  What's
     the salary?"  I said, "I assume you're not interested
     in conducting the interview any further."  He promptly
     responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more."  I
     didn't hire him, but later found out there was no
     other job offer.  It was a scam to get a higher offer.

 l5. "His attache (case) opened when he picked it up and the
     contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and
     assorted makeup and perfume."

 l6. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job,
     but the unemployment office needed proof that he was
     looking for one."

 l7. "....asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the
     picture on my desk.  When I said it was my wife, he
     asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number.
     I called security."

 l8. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office,
     he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go
     off.  Disbelieving, I began to state why he would
     never be hired and that I was going to call the police.
     He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
     ran.  No one was injured, but I did need to get a new
     desk."

Top
Subj:     Resumes And Cover Letters (S290)
          From: janeenmarie on 8/21/2002

 These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and
 were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

  1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and
     spreadsheet pogroms."
  2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
     details."
  3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
     institutions."
  5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  7. "It's best for employers that I not work with
     people."
  8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my
     experience."
  9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
 10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
     Uninvolved. No commitments."
 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am
     not a horse."
 12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please
     feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
 13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I
     possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should
     try stock brokerage."
 14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
 15. "Personal interests: Donating blood.  Fourteen gallons
     so far."
 16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
     Midwest chainstore."
 17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
     'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
 18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
 19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my
     three previous employers."
 20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
 21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction
     behind me."

Top
Subj:     Typical Work Week (S407)
          From: DafterLafter on 11/04/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Resume Bloopers (S257b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/28/2001

 These are from actual resumes:

 Personal:
 "I'm married with 9 children.  I don't require
  prescription drugs."

 "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please
  don't let them know of my immediate availability."

 Qualifications:
 "I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
  act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

 "I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made
  money and lost money.  I've been rich and I've been poor.
  I prefer being rich."

 "Number of dependents: 40."

 Marital Status:
 "Often. Children: Various."

 "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

 REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

 "Responsibility makes me nervous."

 "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
  every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

 "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as
  well as cockroaches."

 "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
 

 JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

 "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment,
 I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
 least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed here-
 tofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
 lead to the application of more rarefied facets of
 financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

 "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

 SPECIAL REQUESTS ? JOB OBJECTIVES:

 "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
 my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
 

 PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

 "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

Top
Subj:     Job Evaluations (S169, S540b)
          From: collins2 on 4/22/00
      and From: AFine963 on 5/18/2007

 Great lines from job evaluations:

  1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
  2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
     more definitely a won't be.
  3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
     like a rat in a trap.
  4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change
     whichever foot was previously there.
  5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently
     fails to achieve them.
  8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
     idiot.
  9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts,
     the better.
 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
 12. A room temperature IQ.
 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
     it together.
 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
     ignoramus.
 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
 16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
 17. Bright as Alaska in December.
 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
 20. Fell out of the family tree.
 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't
     coming.
 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for
     it.
 23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
 24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
     a week.
 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get
     change.
 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
 29. One neuron short of a synapse.
 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only
     gargled.
 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
     bottom and has started to dig.
 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
     curiosity.

Top
Subj:     Excuses For Job Termination: Snow White And the 7 Dwarfs (S165)
          By Jim Gum, who works for the main office in Colorado
             of Young Life, a national Christian youth ministry
          From: smiles on 3/13/00

 Every month we get a Human Resouces report on terminations. When
 they are asked to put a reason why they were terminated, the
 reasons vary from resigned, got a better job, getting married,
 moving, sexual misconduct, etc. What I've found is that there
 isn't a standard list.  So, I decided to come up with one based
 on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just
 seven reasons for termination:

 Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone.  Too much time
    spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

 Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

 Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

 Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player.  Trouble
    with early mornings.

 Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company
    money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

 Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the
    employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

 Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls.  Too
    often let workplace disagreements simmer.

 OTHERS
 Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with
    organizational policies.

 Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while
    under some kind of trance.

 Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day.
    Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Top
Subj:     Boss w/No Ears Needs New Employee (S164)
          From: RFSlick on 3/18/00

 (Also see 'Having No Ears' in EYES and EARS)

 John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager.
 He had set up three interviews.

 The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to know
 and was very  interesting.  At the end of the interview, John
 asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"
 came the reply.

 John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

 The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
 than the first guy.  He asked her the same question: "Do you
 notice anything different about me?"

 "Well," she said, "you have no ears."  John again got upset and
 tossed her out.

 The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch.  He
 was a young man who had recently earned his MBA.  He was smart.
 He was handsome.  He seemed to be a better businessman that the
 first two put together.

 John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
 question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes.  You wear
 contact lenses."

 John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant
 person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

 The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
 "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears !"

Top
Subj:     Coping With Stress (S160)
          From: KMacinty on 01/18/2000

 Last week I went to a seminar called  *Stress and Disease by
 Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.  He gave an
 example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like
 to share with you.

 When you have had  one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT
 days, try this.

 On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to
 the section where they have thermometers.  You will need to
 purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip.  Be very sure
 that you get this brand.  When you get home, lock your doors,
 draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not
 be disturbed during your therapy.

 Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and
 lie down on your bed.  Open the package containing the ther-
 mometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on
 the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
 Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
 as you read it you will notice in small print the statement
 that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
 tested.

 Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so
 glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip
 Company."

Top
Subj:     Bill Gates' Message on Life (S153, S684)
          From: RFSlick on 01/01/2000 and 8/25/2003
      and From: tom on 2/22/2010
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/language/document/liferule.asp

 (Also see '12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School' in SCHOOL2)

 (See 'Bill Of No Rights' in POLITICAL1
  and 'Bill Gates' Message Is Not Bill's' in JOBS3)

 This list was NOT written by Bill Gates.  It is the work of
 Charles J. Sykes, in his 2007 book 50 Rules Kids Won't Learn
 School.  But it still is a great message on life.

 RULE 1......Life is not fair; get used to it.

 RULE 2......The world won't care about your self-esteem.  The
             world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
             you feel good about yourself.

 RULE 3......You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right
             out of high school.  You won't be a vice president
             with a car phone, until you earn both.

 RULE 4......If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get
             a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

 RULE 5......Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your
             grandparents had a different word for burger flipping;
             they called it opportunity.

 RULE 6......If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
             whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

 RULE 7......Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
             as they are now.  They got that way from paying your
             bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk
             about how cool you are.  So before you save the rain
             forest from the parasites of your parents' generation,
             try "delousing" the closet in your own room.

 RULE 8......Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
             but life has not.  In some schools they have abolished
             failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you
             want to get the right answer.  This doesn't bear the
             slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

 RULE 9......Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
             summers off and very few employers are interested in
             helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

 RULE 10.....Television is NOT real life.  In real life people
             actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

 RULE 11.....Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up working
             for one.

Top
Subj:     Bill Gates' Message Is Not Bill's (S343, S684)

 Researching this on snopes.com yielded the following at
 http://www.snopes.com/language/document/liferule.htm

 This list is the work of Charles J. Sykes, in his 2007 book
 50 Rules Kids Won't Learn School.  Many versions of this
 list omit the last three rules:

 Rule No. 12:   Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes
 you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-
 year-old with a butt in his mouth.  That's what you look like
 to anyone over 20.  Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple
 hair and/or pierced body parts.

 Rule No. 13:   You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you
 are under the impression that living fast, dying young and
 leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't
 seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

 Rule No. 14:   Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a
 pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday
 you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid.  Maybe you
 should start now. You're welcome.

Top
Subj:     Pack It In! Happy New Year! (S151)
          From: Anaise on 12/20/1999

 Pack It In!
     By Geoff Nunberg
     Language Commentary, "Fresh Air,"
     December 20, 1999

 Before we start on the carousin'
 On the eve of year two thousan',
 Let's clean out our linguistic closets
 Of their detritus and deposits,

 The babble, balderdash, and bugs
 That rankle underneath the rugs
 With solecisms, slang, and slag,
 And sweep it all into a bag.

 Then, as the afternoon gets late,
 Let's gather on the Golden Gate,
 And with one stroke, bold and defiant,
 Make English Y2K compliant.

 Let's clear out our congested cargo
 Of business cant and corporate argot.
 We'll ditch proactive for a starter,
 And "We don't work harder, just work smarter"

 Lose sight of visions, goals and missions,
 And pitch out value propositions.
 Synergistic or synergetic? --
 Either one gives me a headache,

 And the concept of convergence
 Is in need of some submergence.
 Consign restructure to the void,
 And downsize should be redeployed.

 At least, the next time we get canned,
 We'll know exactly where we stand.
 Let's lose "win-win," that favorite phrase
 Of all the Harvard MBA's,

 And cast on the outgoing tide
 The box they like to think outside,
 In hopes that in the coming age,
 We'll all be on a different page.

 It wasn't very long ago
 The Internet was comme il faut,
 And only the most avant-garde
 Had @-signs on their business card.

 But now that even aunt Estelle
 Has got herself a url,
 And Vinnie at the barber shop
 Made millions on his first-day pop,

 We've reached the point where talking geekish
 Is starting to sound so last weekish.
 Emoticon and digerati
 Aren't worth a wooden zloty.

 To portal we can give the gate,
 Mindshare will do for tuna bait,
 And since you asked, IMHO,
 Those email acronyms should go.

 And ere the sun sets, let us jettison
 Newbie, netiquette, and netizen,
 Nor should we miss this opportunity
 To deep-six "virtual community,"

 e-this, i-that, and without qualm,
 Let's unplug everything.com.
 On literary critics' patois
 I think we must declare a fatwah;

 It's hard to part with hegemonic,
 But in the end you'll find it tonic.
 Think how much groovier texts are rendered
 When they're just sexed instead of gendered,

 And curling up at bedtime, who wants
 To be holding something nuanced?
 Of that chic expression "pomo,"
 I'd just as soon that we heard no mo',

 Nor any others of the host
 Of vocables prefixed with post-.
 We seem to be, for all our fears,
 Still modern after all these years.

 I'm sure that ages hence will honor us
 If we stop cooking up new genres,
 Let's spare the coming centuries
 Prequels and rockumentaries,

 And pause not even for a comma
 Before discarding "docudrama."
 And ere the clock chimes, let us vow
 That critics twenty years from now

 Will earn themselves an instant wedgie
 Whenever they use "taut" or "edgy."
 Before we can put on our nightcaps,
 We've other words to feed the whitecaps:

 Let's leave off calling rumors "buzz,"
 And blow off anyone who does.
 "Wake up call" has gotten thin --
 Next year we'll all be sleeping in.

 And anything you feel like sharing
 Kindly offer to the herring.
 And as we're chucking out the dross,
 Make sure we don't neglect to toss

 Those interjections, coy and clever --
 Like "Let's not go there," and "whatever!"
 (And while we're at it, do I gotta
 Even mention "yadda yadda"?)

 Arrivederci to "ExCUSE me";
 You simply no longer amuse me.
 Farewell to "Duh!," and, apropos,
 Let's say buh-bye now to "hellO?"

 Now as we watch the century go out,
 There's only one more thing to throw out:
 Let's cast onto the coastal shelf
 The word millennium itself

 (I'm glad to bid that one adieu --
 The fact is that I never knew
 If it should have one n or two.)
 And as night falls on the Presidio,
 Let's all go home and watch a video,
 To pass the century's final hour
 (That is, assuming we've got power).

 -- From  freshair.com

Top
Subj:     Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed (S140)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/07/1999

 (Also see 'Whose Father Is Fastest?' in KIDS2)

 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
 fathers are.  The first one says: "Well, my father runs the
 fastest.  He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you,
 he gets there before the arrow".

 The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast!  My father is
 a hunter.  He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

 The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He
 then says: "You two know nothing about fast.  My father is a
 civil servant.  He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!


Subj:     Short Job Jokes

Top
Subj:     Worker's Favorite Sports (S106, S568)
          From: ipkis on 97-10-11
 To view this cute web page, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Short Human Relationship Training (S265b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/24/2002
 Here you have the shorter Human Relationship training
 for anybody.  Just need to practice this:

 6 most important words:
 I admit I made a mistake.

 5 most important words:
 You've made a great job.

 4 most important words:
 What do you think?.

 3 most important words:
 Do you mind if...

 2 most important words:
 Thank You.

 ...and the MOST important word of all:

 WE
 

Top
Subj:     Boss And Secretary On A Train (S253)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/2/2001
 Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris.  They
 are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has
 the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a
 little cold, could I borrow your blanket?  The man says
 how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile?  The
 secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of
 bed.  Then he replies, "Good, then you can get your own
 damn blanket."
 

Top
Subj:     Security Bulletin (S248)
          From: coreymac on 10/30/2001
 Building Security has notified us that there have been 4
 suspected terrorists working at our office.  Three of
 the four have been apprehended.

 Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken
 into custody.  Security advised us that they could find
 no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member,
 Bin Workin, in the office.

 Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin
 Workin will be very easy to spot.
 

Top
Subj:     Confused Owner Seeks Math Help (S247, S641a)
        From: drribeiro on 10/26/2001
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/21/2009
 The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about
 paying an invoice, he decided to ask his secretary for
 some mathematical help. He called her into his office
 and said "You graduated from the University of Florida.
 If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
 you take off?"

 The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything
 but my earrings."
 

Top
Subj:     The Shredder (S162, S803)
          From: KMacinty on 2/28/00
..........Source: (Removed from careerdfw.org)
  Click 'HERE' to read and see this funny joke.
 

Top
Subj:     Bank President Explains Success (S152)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 12/29/1999
 "Sir, what is the secret of your success?" a reporter
     asked a bank president.
 "Two words"
 "And, Sir,what are they?"
 "Right decisions."
 "And how do you make right decisions?"
 "One word."
 "And,sir, What is that?"
 "Experience."
 "And how do you get Experience?"
 "Two words"
 "And, Sir,what are they?"
 "Wrong decisions"
 

Top
Subj:     Woman Asks About A Job (S147)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/25/1999
 A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
 "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

 "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

 "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
 

Top
Subj:     The Aim Of Every Employee (S133)
          From: smiles on 8/17/99
 It should be the aim of every good employee
 To keep an eye open to problems that may arise,
 To consider what must be done,
 And to take whatever action is necessary
 To prevent or correct these problems.

 But, when you are up to your Ass in alligators,
 It's hard to remember that you are there to
 Drain the swamp.
 

Top
Subj:     Secretary Tells Boss Bad News (S127)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/3/99
 A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid
 I've got some bad news for you."  "Why do you always have to give
 me bad news?" he complained.  "Tell me some good news for once."
 "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.  "You're
 not sterile."
 

Top
Subj:     Life After Death (S227)
         From: RFSlick on 98-05-20
 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one
  of his employees.

 "Yes, sir,"  the clerk replied.

 "That's good," the boss said.  "After you left early
  yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
  stopped in to see you."
 

Top
Subj:     Office Prayer: (S86)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #216 on 98-09-13
     Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
         The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
         And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
           I had to kill today because they pissed me off
     And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
 As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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............................From Smiley_Central
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