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Subj:     Judge-Supp Jokes
                 (Includes 15 jokes and articles, 23 1002,7,cf,vXT2a3,5)

Raccoon Crook  from
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  Judge Judy (S601)
.........................It Only Went "Click!" (S784)
.........................A Can of Peaches (S1002)
.........................Philip Howard: Fixing The Legal System - video (S685b)
.........................Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail (S507c)
.........................The World's Worst Juror (S494b)
.........................Testifying In A Murder Trial (S411)
.........................Young Man Molests Old Woman (324b, S753)
.........................Man Charged With Two Murders (S309b)
.........................Short Judge-Supp Jokes
..............................Courtroom Yawner Jailed for Six Months (S662)
..............................Man Eats Underwear (S656)
..............................Judge's Words For Teenagers (S838)
..............................Maxine's Living Will (S588)
..............................Jury Duty Scam (S560)

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Subj:     Judge Judy (S601)
          From: darrellvip on 7/14/2008
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Judge to prostitute,
   'So when did you realize you were raped?' 

Prostitute, wiping away tears:
   'When the check bounced.' 

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Subj:     It Only Went "Click!" (S784)
          From: tom on 1/22/2012
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/click.asp

 THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER
 IN HOUSTON, TEXAS
 March 5th, 2009

 Last Thursday night round midnight, a woman in Houston,
 Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter
 for shooting a man times in the back as he was running
 away with her purse.

 The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front
 of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain
 her actions.

 The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop
 for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home
 after work.  I am a waitress at a local cafe.  I was there
 alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my
 purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.

 "All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left.
 As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me
 with my purse.

 I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers
 were wrapped tightly around my pistol.  The next thing I
 remember is saying out loud, 'No way punk!  Your not
 stealing my pay check and tips.'  I raised my right hand,
 pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my
 purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol six times!"

 When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did You shoot
 the man six times?" the woman replied under oath, "Because,
 when I pulled the trigger of my pistol the seventh time,
 it only went click."

 The woman was acquitted of all charges.  And she was back
 at work, at the cafe, the next day!

 This great story is an urban legend as verified by Snopes.com.
 The defining point of the "gun went click" tale echoes an
 actual 2006 incident in which a suspect was shot 68 times;
 when asked why, said the sheriff, "Because that's all the
 bullets we had."  See Snopes.com for details at
 http://www.snopes.com/crime/cops/judd.asp

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Subj:     A Can of Peaches (S1002)
          From: bill7808

 A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a
 grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the
 store manager to the security guard to the arresting
 officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing
 throughout the process.

 When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what
 she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied,
 "Just a stupid can of peaches."

 The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied,
 "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

 The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She
 replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

 The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going
 to give you nine days in jail.  One day for each peach."

 As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-
 suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

 The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

 The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of
 peas."

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Subj:     Philip Howard: Fixing The Legal System
          From: Wimp.com on 2/24/2010 (DU,d)
 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/legalsystem/
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/IWdzrZdRa38

 The land of the free has become a legal minefield, says
 Philip K. Howard -- especially for teachers and doctors,
 whose work has been paralyzed by fear of suits.  What's
 the answer?  A lawyer himself, Howard has four propos-
 itions for simplifying US law.  Click 'HERE' to see this
 thoughtful, eighteen minute video.

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Subj:     Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail (S507c)
          From: lerman on 10/8/2006

 A 22-year-old New York State woman, the mother of a 3-year-old
 child, has been arrested for filing a child support lawsuit
 against the child's father and now faces a possible 7-year
 prison term.

 How did this happen?  She should have paid attention in math
 class.

 Kimberly A. Baker of New York State filed the lawsuit against
 the 16-year-old father and in the process provided the court
 with sworn statements that she did indeed have sex with him
 4 years ago.  Police quickly realized that she had to be 18
 when she became pregnant which means the father had to have
 been 13 at the time. She was charged with statutory rape, a
 felony.

 North County Gazette 5-Oct-06

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Subj:     The World's Worst Juror (S494b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/11/2006

 It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court
 on an unusually warm and sultry day.  One of the jurors fell
 asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the
 prosecuting counsel.  "Would you," he asked, "tell the court
 precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"

 "No, I would not," she said.  "It was far too crude and
 shocking."

 "Would you be prepared to write it down?" And she did, with
 every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking, a promise
 that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with
 what the rapist planned to do to his victim), and the paper
 was passed to the judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the
 court, and the jury.  In the second row, our hero slumbered
 on until he was suddenly woken by a sharp nudge from the
 smiling brunette next to him.  She passed the note to him.
 He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour,
 read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in
 his pocket.  When the judge demanded the note back, the juror
 refused.  It was, he said, a private matter.

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Subj:     Testifying In A Murder Trial (S411)
          From: cookpat.geo on 12/4/2004
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/sohelpme.asp

 This is not a joke.

 This is by a daughter of a murdered couple in Raytown who
 had a Bible and Bookstore on 63rd street.

 When I had to testify at the murder trial of my parents a
 week ago, I was asked to raise my right hand.  The bailiff
 started out "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
 and nothing but the truth?"

 I stood there and waited but she said nothing.  She said "Do
 you?"  I was so stunned I blurted out "What happened to 'so
 help me God'?"  She came back with "Do you?"  I replied yes,
 but I was perplexed.  Then the judge said "you can say that
 if you want to."  I stopped, raised my right hand, and finished
 with "So help me God!"  I told my son and daughter that when it
 came time for them to testify, they should do the same.  It's
 no wonder we have so many problems in this country.  If I'd
 had my wits about me I'd have told them that taking God out of
 the courtroom is only going to result in more criminals and
 murderers like him being in there!  I don't know what can be
 done about it, but it's time we stepped up and did something.

 CNBC this morning had a poll on this question.  They had the
 highest number of responses that they have ever had for one
 of their polls and the percentage was the same as this:  86%
 to keep the words, 14% against.  That is a pretty commanding
 public response.

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Subj:     Young Man Molests Old Woman (324b, S753)
          From: Grampsboyd on 4/12/2003

 Court

 Defense Attorney: What is your age?

 Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

 Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
    what happened to you?

 Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing
    on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
    young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
    down beside me.

 Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

 Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

 Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

 Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

 Defense Attorney: Why not?

 Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that
    since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

 Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 Little old Woman He began to rub my breasts.

 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

 Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

 Defense Attorney: Why not?

 Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me
    feel all alive and excited.  I haven't felt that
    good in years!

 Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I
    just laid down and said to him... "Take me ...
    young man ... Take me!"

 Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
    ... And that's when I shot the little bastard.

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Subj:     Man Charged With Two Murders (S309b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/28/2002

 A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are
 charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'

 Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

 Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged with
 beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'

 Again the voice at the back of the court says,
 'you bastard.'

 The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these
 outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt,
 now what is the problem?'

 Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years
 I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to
 borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'


Subj:     Short Judge-Supp Jokes

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Subj:     Courtroom Yawner Jailed for Six Months (S662)
          From: AOL News on 9/18/2009
Photo from AOL.com
 Source: (Removed from news.aol.com)
 Clifton Williams sat in the courtroom in Joliet, Ill.,
 awaiting his cousin's sentencing on drug charges.
 Williams yawned, an act that earned him six months
 in jail on contempt charges.  Click on the above
 source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to read this amazing
 article.
 

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Subj:     Man Eats Underwear (S656)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/29/2009
 Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
 Click 'HERE' to read about a man who ate his underwear
 to beat a breathalyzer test.
 

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Subj:     Judge's Words For Teenagers (S838)
          From: Valorie Calton on Faceboon on 1/28/2013
 Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/14/words-
.........for-teenagers-judge-advice_n_1776337.html
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This article was written in 1959 in New Zealand
School Newsletter that then went viral.
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Subj:     Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Hospital1)
          From: ginafm on 4/25/2008
 I've grown tired of most of Maxine's 'Pearls of Wisdom',
 but this one is great.  You can view by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Jury Duty Scam (S560)
          From: darrellvip on 10/9/2007
Photo from FBI...
 Source1: http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
 Source2: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm
 The caller claims to be a jury coordinator.  You protest
 that you never received a summons for jury duty.  Read
 about this scam by clicking 'HERE'.
 

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/21/2005 (S417b)
 Q: What has 18 legs and 2 breasts?
 A: The Supreme Court

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/23/2007 (S545b)
 Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
 A: They both hand out long sentences.

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...........................Justice from Smiley_Central
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