(Includes 15 jokes and articles, 23 1002,7,cf,vXT2a3,5)
Raccoon Crook from
Accent on Animation
Judge Judy (S601)
From: darrellvip on 7/14/2008
Judge to prostitute,
'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears:
Subj: It Only Went "Click!" (S784)
From: tom on 1/22/2012
THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER
IN HOUSTON, TEXAS
March 5th, 2009
Last Thursday night round midnight,
a woman in Houston,
Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter
for shooting a man times in the back as he was running
away with her purse.
The following Monday morning,
the woman was called in front
of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain
The woman replied, "I was standing
at the corner bus stop
for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home
after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe. I was there
alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my
purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.
"All of a sudden I was being
spun around hard to my left.
As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me
with my purse.
I looked down at my right hand
and I saw that my fingers
were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I
remember is saying out loud, 'No way punk! Your not
stealing my pay check and tips.' I raised my right hand,
pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my
purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol six times!"
When asked by the arraignment
judge, "Why did You shoot
the man six times?" the woman replied under oath, "Because,
when I pulled the trigger of my pistol the seventh time,
it only went click."
The woman was acquitted of all
charges. And she was back
at work, at the cafe, the next day!
This great story is an urban
legend as verified by Snopes.com.
The defining point of the "gun went click" tale echoes an
actual 2006 incident in which a suspect was shot 68 times;
when asked why, said the sheriff, "Because that's all the
bullets we had." See Snopes.com for details at
Subj: A Can of Peaches (S1002)
A very cranky old woman was arrested
for shoplifting at a
grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the
store manager to the security guard to the arresting
officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing
throughout the process.
When she appeared before the
judge, the judge asked what
she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied,
"Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she
had done it. She replied,
"I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches
were in the can. She
replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well,
ma'am, because I'm going
to give you nine days in jail. One day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop
his gavel, the lady's long-
suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor,
she also stole a can of
Philip Howard: Fixing The Legal System
From: Wimp.com on 2/24/2010 (DU,d)
The land of the free has become
a legal minefield, says
Philip K. Howard -- especially for teachers and doctors,
whose work has been paralyzed by fear of suits. What's
the answer? A lawyer himself, Howard has four propos-
itions for simplifying US law. Click 'HERE' to see this
thoughtful, eighteen minute video.
Subj: Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail (S507c)
From: lerman on 10/8/2006
A 22-year-old New York State
woman, the mother of a 3-year-old
child, has been arrested for filing a child support lawsuit
against the child's father and now faces a possible 7-year
How did this happen? She
should have paid attention in math
Kimberly A. Baker of New York
State filed the lawsuit against
the 16-year-old father and in the process provided the court
with sworn statements that she did indeed have sex with him
4 years ago. Police quickly realized that she had to be 18
when she became pregnant which means the father had to have
been 13 at the time. She was charged with statutory rape, a
North County Gazette 5-Oct-06
Subj: The World's Worst Juror (S494b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/11/2006
It happened at a rape trial in
Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court
on an unusually warm and sultry day. One of the jurors fell
asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the
prosecuting counsel. "Would you," he asked, "tell the court
precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"
"No, I would not," she said.
"It was far too crude and
"Would you be prepared to write
it down?" And she did, with
every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking, a promise
that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with
what the rapist planned to do to his victim), and the paper
was passed to the judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the
court, and the jury. In the second row, our hero slumbered
on until he was suddenly woken by a sharp nudge from the
smiling brunette next to him. She passed the note to him.
He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour,
read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in
his pocket. When the judge demanded the note back, the juror
refused. It was, he said, a private matter.
Subj: Testifying In A Murder Trial (S411)
From: cookpat.geo on 12/4/2004
This is not a joke.
This is by a daughter of a murdered
couple in Raytown who
had a Bible and Bookstore on 63rd street.
When I had to testify at the
murder trial of my parents a
week ago, I was asked to raise my right hand. The bailiff
started out "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?"
I stood there and waited but
she said nothing. She said "Do
you?" I was so stunned I blurted out "What happened to 'so
help me God'?" She came back with "Do you?" I replied yes,
but I was perplexed. Then the judge said "you can say that
if you want to." I stopped, raised my right hand, and finished
with "So help me God!" I told my son and daughter that when it
came time for them to testify, they should do the same. It's
no wonder we have so many problems in this country. If I'd
had my wits about me I'd have told them that taking God out of
the courtroom is only going to result in more criminals and
murderers like him being in there! I don't know what can be
done about it, but it's time we stepped up and did something.
CNBC this morning had a poll
on this question. They had the
highest number of responses that they have ever had for one
of their polls and the percentage was the same as this: 86%
to keep the words, 14% against. That is a pretty commanding
Subj: Young Man Molests Old Woman (324b, S753)
From: Grampsboyd on 4/12/2003
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell
us, in your own words,
what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was,
sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good.
Nobody had done that
since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor,
his rubbing made me
feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was
feeling so spicy that I
just laid down and said to him... "Take me ...
young man ... Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He
just yelled, "April Fool!"
... And that's when I shot the little bastard.
Subj: Man Charged With Two Murders (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/28/2002
A man is in court for murder
and the judge says 'You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
Then the judge continues, 'you
are also charged with
beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of
the court says,
The judge says, 'now we cannot
have any more of these
outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt,
now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the
court says, 'fifteen years
I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'
Subj: Short Judge-Supp Jokes
Courtroom Yawner Jailed for Six Months (S662)
From: AOL News on 9/18/2009
Photo from AOL.com
Man Eats Underwear (S656)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/29/2009
Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
Subj: Judge's Words For Teenagers (S838)
From: Valorie Calton on Faceboon on 1/28/2013
This article was written in 1959 in New Zealand
School Newsletter that then went viral.
Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Hospital1)
From: ginafm on 4/25/2008
Jury Duty Scam (S560)
From: darrellvip on 10/9/2007
Photo from FBI...
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/21/2005 (S417b)
Q: What has 18 legs and 2 breasts?
A: The Supreme Court
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/23/2007 (S545b)
Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.
...........................Justice from Smiley_Central