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Subj:     Judge Jokes
                 (Includes 39 jokes and articles, 22 1002,3,cf,vXT2,1)

          Click "Here" for Judge-Supp


Gavel from
Deitz ? Associates

Includes the following:  Judge Judy (S601 in Supp)
.........................It Only Went "Click!" (S784 in Supp)
.........................A Can of Peaches (S1002 in Supp)
.........................Philip Howard: Fixing The Legal System - Video (S685b in Supp)
.........................Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail (S507c in Supp)
.........................The World's Worst Juror (S494b in Supp)
.........................Testifying In A Murder Trial (S411 in Supp)
.........................Young Man Molests Old Woman (324b in Supp)
.........................Man Charged With Two Murders (S309b in Supp)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S977)
.........................Young Driver Sues (S243b)
.........................Supreme Court's KKK Ruling (S228)
.........................Couple Fight For Custody Of Child (S210)
.........................Youth Assaults Old Woman (S208)
.........................Judge Sentences School Teacher (S187)
.........................Man Goes To Court For Traffic Ticket (S180)
.........................Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal (S177)
.........................Judge Sees Woman About Divorce (S166)
.........................Bizarro Cartoons (DU)
.........................Man Bribes Judge With Cigars (S140, S491c)
.........................Man Collects For Insured Cigars (S79, S757)
.........................Two Amazing Court Transcripts (S74)
.........................Exchanges From Transcripts (S267, S430)
.........................Prosecutor's First Witness (S62, S583b)
.........................Laughing Man Goes On Trial (S273d, S867)
.........................Judge Gives Second Chance
.........................Four Boys Make Trouble At Zoo
.........................Carl Sagan Sues
                         Short Judge Jokes
..............................Courtroom Yawner Jailed for Six Months (S662 in Supp)
..............................Man Eats Underwear (S656 in Supp)
..............................Judge's Words For Teenagers (S838 in Supp)
..............................Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Supp)
..............................Jury Duty Scam (S560 in Supp)
..............................Andy Rooney On The Supreme Court (S470)
..............................Knock, Knock Peterson Joke (375)
..............................Murder Responsibility? (S308)
..............................Nativity In Washington DC (S296)
..............................UK Wife Files For Divorce (S291b)
..............................Circumcision Lawsuit (S288b)
..............................Judge Releases Man From Jail (S279)
..............................Woman Arrested For Christmas Lights(S262b)
..............................Man Jailed For 15 Years for Bullet (S262c)
..............................Court Orders Husband Better In Bed (S248)
..............................Judge Earns Bonehead Award (S236)
..............................Two Judges Fight (S216)
..............................Man Sued For 'Pig' Statement (S192)
..............................Court's In Session

Also see ARKANSAS file- 'Man Arrested For Sex w/Dog'
         BASKETBALL   - 'Father Sues High School Basketball Coach'
         BEAR file    - 'Three Bears Go To Court'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde And Roe Vs Wade'
         BIRDS file   - 'Man Tried For Killing Bald Eagle'
         CANADIAN file- 'Identity Thieves Steal House'
         CARTOON file - 'Mickey And Minnie In Divorce Court'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Bar Sues Church'
         DRINKINGBEER1- 'Hydrogen Beer'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Max And Wally Met In The Park'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Crimewatch Cup:'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Outrageous Recent Court Cases'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow'
......................- 'Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
         FIREMAN file - 'Short Firefighter'
         FROG file    - 'Golfer And Talking Frog'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Irish Wife Wants A Divorce'
         ITALIAN file - 'Fathers Must Support Adult Kids'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish Couple Get A Divorce'
         LAWYER1 file - 'Defence Attorney Vs Doctor'
......................- 'Lawyer Questions Drug Witness'
......................- 'Murder Trial'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Should I Lie In Court?'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'British Wife's Revenge On Husband'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Canadian Sex Criminals'
         PIG file     - 'Going To Jail Over Pig Toys'
         PHONE file   - 'Suing Telemarketers'
         POLICE2 file - 'Lawyer Cross-Examins Cop'
         POLICE-SUPP  - 'Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy'
         PREGNANT file- 'Baby Sues Over Pregnancy'
         SEX2 file    - 'Sex Laws'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Arrested'
         TRAINS file  - 'Boy Sues Rail Authority'
         WAITER-Waitrs- 'Shoe Shop Next To French Restaurant'
......................- 'Waitress Sued Hooters Restaurant'
         WEDDING file - 'Irish Wedding Turns Into A Fight'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S977)
          By Stephan Pastis on 10/1/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/10/01
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Top
Subj:     Young Driver Sues (S243b)
          From: jerry on 9/26/2001

 An 18-year-old driver who fell asleep at the wheel of his
 Chevrolet S-10 Blazer SUV, who had a blood alcohol level
 illegal for his age, who was travelling at 70 MPH when the
 SUV crashed and rolled over, and who admitted responsibility
 for the accident, was never the less awarded $18 million on
 his claim that GM should make car roofs which can withstand
 a 70 MPH crash and roll by inebriated teenagers when his
 attorney convinced the court to exclude his blood alcohol
 level as evidence for use by the defendant on the grounds
 that the boy admitted his responsibility. For those of you
 who prefer to use the phrase ''system of justice'' when
 talking about the U.S. legal system.

 ATLA Law Reporter, (May)

Top
Subj:     Supreme Court's KKK Ruling (S228)
          From: KMACINTY on 6/6/2001

 I love passing on great pieces of news.  (This, I'm told,
 comes from the Durham Herald-Sun, columnist Carl Daniels-
 Kinney.)  The case is Yarnell vs. Cuffley.  The Supreme
 Court denied certiorari, which means they would not hear
 Missouri's appeal, letting a lower court decision stand.
 Therefore, no opinion was issued, nothing was put into
 writing, and there was no dissent.

 Interestingly, the ACLU joined with the KKK in the same
 side on the case.  28 other states joined Missouri's side.
 The ruling was that the state of Missouri cannot discriminate
 against the Ku Klux Klan when it comes to groups that want to
 participate in the adopt-a-highway program.  Of course, while
 the name of the Klan is aesthetically disgusting, this
 decision is considered a victory for free speech and equal
 protection under the law (which is why the ACLU approved of
 the decision).

 Well, the Dept of Transportation in Missouri has gotten
 their revenge, and boy is it sweet.  Sure, they can't remove
 the KKK's adopt-the-highway sign, but few would dispute the
 state's ability to name the highway itself.

 The KKK is now cleaning up a stretch of the newly christened
 Rosa Parks Freeway!  Don't you just love it!

Top
Subj:     Couple Fight For Custody Of Child (S210)
          From: RFSlick on 2/3/2001

 The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section
 of West Virginia.  An old mountaineer and his young wife
 were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of
 the children was a problem.  The mother jumped to her feet
 and protested to the judge that since she had brought the
 children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
 The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

 The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long
 moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair
 and said, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine
 and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the
 machine?"

Top
Subj:     Youth Assaults Old Woman (S208)
          From: RFSlick on 1/23/2001

 You're Never too Old

 Defense Attorney: What is your age?
 Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

 Defense Attorney: On the first day of April last year, will
     you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
 Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on
     my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young
     man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
 Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

 Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
 Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
 Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

 Defense Attorney: Why not?
 Little Old Woman: It felt good.  Nobody had done that since
     my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

 Defense Attorney: What happened next?
 Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
 Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

 Defense Attorney: Why not?
 Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel
     all alive and excited.  I haven't felt that good in years!

 Defense Attorney: What happened next?
 Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
     spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man,
     Take me!"

 Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
 Little Old Woman: Hell, no.  That's when he yelled, "April
     Fool!"  And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"

Top
Subj:     Judge Sentences School Teacher (S187)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/25/2000

 In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young
 lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket
 given her for driving through a red light.  She explained
 to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested
 an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the
 school on time.

 A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a school
 teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong
 ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this
 court.  Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not
 drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Top
Subj:     Man Goes To Court For Traffic Ticket (S180)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/13/00

 A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
 for a minor traffic summons.   He grew increasingly restless as
 he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

 When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
 the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next
 day and he would have to return.

 "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

 His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query,
 roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!"

 Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said,
 "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

 The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for
 two more words!"

Top
Subj:     Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal (S177)
          From: Anaise on 6/18/00
 Source: (Removed from topfive.com)

 20> Your Honor, all of our arguments have been posted on
     www.judgeswifenaked.com.

 19> But I appeared in a commercial wearing a sweater!  Would
     an evil overlord of an industry-crippling monopoly appear
     on TV wearing a *sweater*?

 18> Okay, let me get this straight:  You're saying you want
     us to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!?

 17> Her first name ain't Baby, it's Janet -- Miss Reno if
     you're nasty!

 16> Continue with this foolishness, mortal, and I will be
     forced to unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot metal
     battle-robot, Mechasoft!

 15> This court has performed an illegal operation and will
     be shut down.   [Close]  [Details]

 14> Splitting the company would leave the whole world
     domination thing wide open for Oprah.

 13> Our reasons for appealing this judgement are myriad and
     a bit complicated to explain because you people are --
     no offense -- WAY too stupid to understand.

 12> Isn't anyone at all concerned that McDonalds sells
     breakfast AND lunch?

 11> Once we start splitting, there'll be no end to it.  We'll
     continue multiplying and dominating every market we enter.
     Beware the tribble factor!!

 10> We've got fifteen million reasons to throw out this case --
     in small, unmarked bills.

  9> Divestiture will restrict the free flow of pornography
     guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of Rights.

  8> If Windows and our applications can't work together, the
     system may become unstable and prone to crashing...  Ha!!
     Just a little humor, Your Honor!!

  7> Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's
     endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track
     all traffic to www.humongous-asses.com.  Do you catch my drift,
     gavelman778?

  6> Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!

  5> We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the
     head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other.

  4> Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr.
     Gates's blood contract with Satan.

  3> A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks
     back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy.

  2> Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus
     and cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy
     equipment at his adversaries.  In exchange, he gets to keep
     the Death Star.

  and Topfive.com's Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal...
 

  1> Two companies would mean Melinda would have to sleep with
     Bill twice each year to retain her stock options.

Top
Subj:     Judge Sees Woman About Divorce (S166)
          From: smiles on 04/03/2000

 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
 and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

 She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
 the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
 "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

 "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
 "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
 my husband's parents."

 He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 "No," she replied, "We have a large carport and have
 never really needed one."

 "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
 marriage?"

 "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
 necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions
 is 'yes'."

 "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
 than I do."

 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
 want a divorce?"

 "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never
 wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
 communicate with me."

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (DU)
          By Dan Piraro on 7/7/2009
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/july-7-2009/
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Top
Subj:     Man Bribes Judge With Cigars (S140, S491c)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/07/1999 and 6/19/2006

 A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
 saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

 "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

 "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked
 the defendant.

 "Oh no!" said the lawyer.  "This judge is a stickler for
 ethical behavior.  A stunt like that would prejudice him
 against you.  He might even find you in contempt of the
 court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

 Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
 in favor of the defendant.  As the defendant left the
 courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip
 about the cigars.  It worked."

 "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,"
 said the lawyer.

 "But I did send them," said the defendant.

 "What??  You did?"

 "Yes, That's how we won the case."

 "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

 "It's easy.  I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
 to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

Top
Subj:     Man Collects For Insured Cigars (S79, S757)
          From: tom on 98-07-29 and 7/15/2011
      and From: SCOTCOB on 5/13/2007

 A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of
 rare, very/expensive cigars, insured them against . . .
 (get this) . fire.  Within a month, having smoked his entire
 stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single
 premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against
 the insurance company.  In his claim, the man stated that he
 had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The
 insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
 that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

 The man sued . . . and won.

 In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the
 man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted
 that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it
 would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what
 it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated
 to compensate the insured for his loss.  Rather than endure
 a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
 accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the
 rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

 *** This is the funny part ***

 After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
 company, had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his
 own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
 being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted
 of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced
 to 24 consecutive one year terms.

 This is a false Urban Legend.  See the following site for
 details http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp.

Top
Subj:     Two Amazing Court Transcripts (S74)
          From: ossama on 98-07-02

  Here are two classic Court transquips.

  CLERK:
   Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
  WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
  CLERK:  "That the evidence that I give..."
  WITNESS:  That's right.
  CLERK:  Repeat it.
  WITNESS:  "Repeat it".
  CLERK:  No!  Repeat what I said.
  WITNESS:  What you said when?
  CLERK:  "That the evidence that I give..."
  WITNESS:  "That the evidence that I give."
  CLERK:  "Shall be the truth and..."
  WITNESS:  It will, and nothing but the truth!
  CLERK:  Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
  and..."
  WITNESS:  I'm not a scholar, you know.
  CLERK:  We can appreciate that.  Just repeat after me: "Shall
  be the truth and..."
  WITNESS:  "Shall be the truth and."
  CLERK:  Say: "Nothing...".
  WITNESS:  Okay.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  CLERK:  No!  Don't say nothing.  Say: "Nothing but the
  truth..."
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  CLERK:  Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  CLERK:  Well?  Do so.
  WITNESS:  You're confusing me.
  CLERK:  Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
  WITNESS:  Is that all?
  CLERK:  Yes.
  WITNESS:  Okay.  I understand.
  CLERK:  Then say it.
  WITNESS:  What?
  CLERK:  "Nothing but the truth..."
  WITNESS:  But I do!  That's just it.
  CLERK:  You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
  WITNESS:  I WILL say nothing but the truth!
  CLERK:  Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
  "The", "Truth".
  WITNESS:  What?  You mean, like, now?
  CLERK:  Yes!  Now.  Please.  Just say those four words.
  WITNESS:  "Nothing.  But.  The.  Truth."
  CLERK:  Thank you.
  WITNESS:  I'm just not a scholar.

   -----------------------------------------------------------

  LAWYER:  On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
          farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  LAWYER:  And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  LAWYER:  And did you observe anything?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  LAWYER:  Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
  WITNESS:  I saw George.
  LAWYER:  You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  LAWYER:  Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  LAWYER:  Well, would you kindly do so?
  WITNESS:  He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
  LAWYER:  His "thing"?
  WITNESS:  You know...  His thing.  His di... I mean, his penis.
  LAWYER:  You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you
           were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  LAWYER:  Did you say anything to him?
  WITNESS:  Of course I did!
  LAWYER:  What did you say to him?
  WITNESS:  "Morning, George."

Top
Subj:     Exchanges From Transcripts (S267, S430)
          From: ICohen on 3/6/2002
      and From: RFSlick on 4/21/2005

 From Disorder in the Court, the following are actual
 exchanges made among folks during court proceedings.
 These were transcribed verbatim and published by
 court reporters - who suffered the torment of
 refraining from giggling while these exchanges were
 taking place. You won't want to miss the last one!

 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.
  ====

 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  ====

 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
    something that you've forgotten?
  ====

 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.
  ====

 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    when he woke up that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.
  ====
 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
    involved in voodoo or the occult?
 A: We both do.
 Q: Voodoo?
 A: We do.
 Q: You do?
 A: Yes, voodoo.
  ====

 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
 in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
 morning?
  ====

 Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
  ====

 Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  ====

 Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And what were you doing at that time?
  ====

 Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there any girls?
  ====

 Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
 A: By death.
 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  ====

 Q: Can you describe the individual?
 A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 Q: Was this a male, or a female?
  ====

 Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ====

 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  ====

 Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
    did you go to?
 A: Oral.
  ====

 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
 A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
    was doing an autopsy.
  ====

 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  ====

 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for breathing?
 A: No.
 Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?
 A: No.
 Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
 A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and practicing law somewhere.

Top
Subj:     Prosecutor's First Witness (S62, S583b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 9/6/2004
      and From: hellgunner50 on 3/22/2008

 A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
 to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
 approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I've
 known you since you were a young boy.  Frankly, you've been
 a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife,
 you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
 You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
 brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
 than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
 pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
 know the defense attorney?"

 She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley
 since he was a youngster, too.  I used to baby-sit him for
 his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment
 to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.  The
 man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
 law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
 Yes, I know him."

 At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence
 and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet
 voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if
 she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Top
Subj:     Laughing Man Goes On Trial (S273d, S867)
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-19
      and From: ft.apache2 on 8/20/2013

 ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)

 A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a
 bus.  When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
 began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
 She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.  She
 moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
 laughing.  She had him arrested.  When the case came
 before the court, the young man was as asked why he
 acted in such a manner.  His reply was:

 When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
 she was pregnant.  She sat under an advertisement which
 read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved
 under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling".
 I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
 advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
 Then I could not control myself any longer when on the
 fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
 "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

Top
Subj:     Judge Gives Second Chance

 Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope
 and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.  The
 judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
 give you a second chance rather than jail time.  I want
 you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils
 of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.  I'll
 see you back in court Monday."

 Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to
 the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"  "Well,
 your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
 "17 people? That's wonderful.  What did you tell them?"
 "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like
 this...

         _
       /   \
      |     |    O
       \ _ /
 

 and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before
 drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
 "That's admirable," said the judge.

 "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your
 honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
 "156 people!  That's amazing!  How did you manage to do
 that!"  "Well, similarly I draws two circles.

               _
             /   \
      O     |     |
             \ _ /

 I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole
 before prison."

Top
Subj:    Four Boys Make Trouble At Zoo

 The Policeman brought four boys before the judge. "They were
 causing an awful lot of commotionn at the zoo, Your honor,"
 he said.

 "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports
 of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me
 your name and what you were doing wrong.

 "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw Peanuts
 into the elephant pen."

 "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw Peanuts
 into the elephant pen."

 "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw Peanuts
 into the elephant pen."

 "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

Top
Subj:     Carl Sagan Sues

 Apple once had a computer code-named "Carl Sagan."  When the
 Cosmos guy heard about this, rather than being flattered he
 demanded they change the code name, which they did, to "BHA."
 When Sagan learned that BHA stood for Butt-Head Astronomer,
 he sued Apple for libel.

 Judge J. Baird of the U.S. District Court for Central
 California threw out the case, writing in his opinion, "One
 does not seriously attack the expertise of a scientist using
 the undefined phrase 'butt-head'."

 Ah, the old undefined phrase trick.


Subj:     Short Judge Jokes

Top
Subj:     Andy Rooney On The Supreme Court (S470)
          From: cookpat.geo on 1/21/2006
 To view Andy Rooney's opinion of the U.S. Supreme
 Court, the founding fathers and God click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Knock, Knock Peterson Joke (375)
          From my wife Rosie 04/05/2004
 Knock, knock.
 Who's there?
 Scott Peterson.
 Scott Peterson who?
 You're on the jury.
 

Top
Subj:     Murder Responsibility? (S308)
          From: jerry on 12/15/2002
 A Palm Beach County, Florida jury which found a gun
 distributor, the original gun owner and a school board
 responsible for the shooting death of a teacher by a
 student while failing to find the student who stole
 the gun and the bullets and who pulled the trigger,
 killing the teacher, at all responsible for the murder.

WPLG Channel 10 (Florida) 15-Nov-02 via http://www.overlawyered.com
 

Top
Subj:     Nativity In Washington DC (S296)
          From: trumpetz03 on 10/3/2002
 The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity
 scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.  This isn't for any
 constitutional reason.  They simply have not been able to
 find three wise man and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
 There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill
 the stable.
 

Top
Subj:     UK Wife Files For Divorce (S291b)
          From: jerry on 8/28/2002
 "My jaw just dropped. I said, 'You dirty bastard, that's
 my Sunday lunch'.  He was calm as you like and said, 'It's
 all right - we can still eat it'. I kicked him out."

 Comment made by the wife of a UK man who caught her
 husband having sex with a frozen chicken.  She is now
 filing for divorce after a 6-month marriage due to this
 and other odd behavior.

 UK Sun 27-Aug-02
 

Top
Subj:     Circumcision Lawsuit (S288b)
          From: jerry on 8/5/2002
 North Dakota District Judge Cynthia Rotheseeger has given
 the go ahead for a lawsuit filed by a man against the
 doctor who circumcised him as an infant.

 Says an attorney for the plaintiff, "This is the latest
 in a series of warnings to doctors who still circumcise:
 proceed at your peril, because even if you get parental
 consent and do a standard job of the circumcision, the
 child can still grow up and sue you for taking away part
 of his penis.

 Men's News Daily 1-Aug-02
 

Top
Subj:     Judge Releases Man From Jail (S279)
          From: jerry on 6/6/2002
 Reynaldo Tova-Valdivia who, two years ago, was ordered
 released from a Federal prison in California by a US
 District judge, never the less continued to remain
 unnoticed in jail these past two years.  And nobody
 knows why.

 He's free now but only because he sent a letter to the
 judge asking the judge to free him again.

 Arizona Republic 3-Jun-02
 

Top
Subj:     Woman Arrested For Christmas Lights (S262b)
          From: jerry on 2/7/2002
 A woman in Peoria, Arizona, while holding her daughter in
 her arms, was suddenly approached by three police officers
 who yelled at her to put her daughter down, who then hand-
 cuffed her, arrested her and threw her in jail because her
 husband, having been injured, had not removed the Christmas
 lights around their house within the required 19 days.

 Arizona Republic 28-Jun-01
 

Top
Subj:     Man Jailed For 15 Years for Bullet (S262c)
          From: jerry on 2/7/2002
 A man in Lisbon, Iowa, who found a .22 caliber bullet, put
 the bullet in a box in his room, and left it there until
 it was found by police when they searched his home for
 things his ex-girlfriend said he had that were hers.  He
 possessed no weapon. He just had one bullet.

 Punishment?

 He will serve 15 years in jail for the crime of having a
 bullet.  The judge, while calling the sentence extreme,
 said that Federal laws tied his hands because the man was
 arrested before, even though for crimes where no weapons
 were used.

 Des Moines Register (21-Jan-02)
 

Top
Subj:     Court Orders Husband To Do Better In Bed (S248)
          From: jerry on 10/29/2001
 Some people have problems you will never have.  And some
 people experience justice you will never experience.

 A Swaziland court ordered Alfred Madola  to improve his
 performance in bed so he can satisfy both of his wives,
 thus ending the feud between the two women which the
 court believes was caused by their fighting over his
 affections.  In the words of the court, it was apparent
 that the two women were fighting over Madola's ''stick.''

 The Times of Swaziland via Ananova 24-Oct-01
 

Top
Subj:     Judge Earns Bonehead Award (S236)
          From: bonehead on 8/6/2001
 It used to be a disease.  Then it became a disability.  And
 now alcoholism is a religion, at least according to Judge
 Charles Brieant (bonehead award winner one) who overturned
 a manslaughter conviction because the killer, who killed
 two people in their home while they slept, made his
 admission at his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  The judge
 says the admission was a form of "religious communication"
 and is protected by the Constitution.

 The prosecution will appeal.

 Associated Press 1-Aug-01 via Findlaw.com
 

Top
Subj:     Two Judges Fight (S216)
          From: pns on 3/18/2001
 Two judges Steven Plotkin and Charles Jones had a fistfight
 at the courthouse in New Orleans according to WDSU-TV.  The
 results were not announced. [London Daily Telegraph, 2-1-01]
 [MSNBC-WDSU- TV, 1-31-01]
 

Top
Subj:     Man Sued For 'Pig' Statement (S192)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/6/00
 A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She
 charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found
 guilty and fined.  After the trial he asked the judge, "This
 means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

 The judge said that was true.  "Does this mean I cannot call
 a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

 The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson
 with no fear of legal action.

 The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good
 afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
 

Top
Subj:     Court's in Session
          From: mbucher on 98-03-15
 The following are actual statements made during a court cases:

 Judge: I know you, don't I?
 Defendant: Uh, yes.
 Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
 Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
 Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
 Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.
 

 A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few
 days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial
 for robbery.  At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.  She
 needed to see him, and thus had him paged.  Police
 officers recognized his name and arrested him as he
 returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over
 the lunch hour.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 You have the right to remain silent. Anything
 you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #269 on 98-08-28
 Did you hear about the two gay judges that tried each other?
 But it was ok, they got each other off.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
 Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/23/2002 (S268c)
 "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act
 responsibly, while bad people will find a way around
 the laws."  -- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

From: igiggle on 6/2/2004 (S383b)
 We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize
 it and then tax it out of business?  -- Will Rogers

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